Antidotes to the "Facebook Affair" | Transparency and Reality

Remember our affair-recipe from last week: Secrecy + Fantasy + Availability + Dissatisfaction = Affair? Here's how to target the first two ingredients: Secrecy and Fantasy. Doing so will help to make your relationship less vulnerable to a "Facebook Affair."

The first ingredient to target is Secrecy.

I think this is the easiest fix for Facebook. When I felt that little tug, willing me to contact these guys I knew years ago I protected myself and my marriage from eliminating secrecy: I told my husband about my experiences. (Even if I was a little embarrassed). Interestingly, he shared with me that one of his ex-girlfriends had contacted him through Facebook recently too, and we were able to talk about his experiences with that, and his feelings about it. I came away from the conversation feeling more connected to him, and understanding just how ubiquitous this temptation is. And the absence of secrecy made connecting on Facebook with ghosts from the past seem that much less exciting, and actually kind of silly.

Step One, therefore is: Tell your partner what you’ve been up to on Facebook. This is incidentally a much emotionally safer way to initiate a conversation where your partner or spouse can tell you about their interactions than you flat out asking them, “Do you talk to any of your exes on Facebook?” Because, if you ask, and they feel a pang of anxiety or worry about your reactions to them saying, “Uh, yeah?” then you’ve just increased the odds of their lying to you. And once that first lie happens, the cancer of secrecy has just taken root in your relationship and it will be much harder for them to be transparent with you. So, ‘fess up!! Your honesty will open the door to their honesty too.

The second ingredient to target is the Fantasy. 

So let's get real for a second. I know that you know that Facebook profiles and interactions are choreographed, edited versions of people and their lives. Drop a bomb on the fantasy of the amazing person you’re corresponding with this reality-check: What you’re seeing in their profile and posts is the top 1% most interesting, funny, and attractive things they have going on in their lives. If you can feel a crush developing between yourself and this digitized projection of the person you once knew, take a few minutes and consider the likely reality of who they really are. Here’s a helpful decoder: Fancy-Sounding-Job = Tense, Irritable Workaholic; Beautiful Home = Obsessive Compulsive Control Freak; Super Social and Fun = Irresponsible and Drinks Too Much; Participates in Extreme Sports / Marathons / Etc. = Loves Mirrors & Pictures of Themselves; Lots of Inspirational Quotes = Sanctimonious & Self Absorbed.

Okay, okay, this is probably a overly harsh and obviously not always true. BUT neither is the fantasy of awesomeness that is being projected.

So Step Two: Spend a little time thinking about what it might be like to have an actual, real-live relationship with the person you’re engaging with online. They might start to look less like a cold flute of champagne, and more like a warm beer. Feel free to use the handy "Facebook Personality Decoder" I've started for you (above), or try and make up some of your own. It's kind of fun.

Next week learn how to target the other two ingredients: Availability and Dissatisfaction....

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