Combating the "Facebook Affair" | Boundaries and Authenticity

The odds of an affair increase when the following ingredients are present: Secrecy, Fantasy, Availability & Dissatisfaction. Last time we talked about how to increase the levels of Transparency and Reality in your Facebooking life in order to combat Secrecy and Fantasy. Today we’ll talk about how to handle the last two risk factors: Availability and Dissatisfaction.

The way to combat Availability is by establishing Boundaries.

With Facebook, nearly everyone, everywhere is immediately available. The ease of contacting an attractive person in secret with one click, under a veneer of social acceptability and friendliness can be irresistible. And…. It’s interesting! It’s interesting to hear about what people are doing or how the story  of someone you knew long ago turned out. I personally love hearing about the nerdy kid who now runs a hedge fund and practically owns Rhode Island, or how my playmate in elementary school is now a working actress in Hollywood. But this fascination with the lives of others does need to be tempered by restraint in certain cases. Like in my own situation, I’ve “friended” lots of people from high school, but I chose not to go there with the one guy I had the turbo-crush on when I was fifteen. Yes, it would be interesting, but…. I had to ask myself why exactly would I be contacting him?

I had to have a reality moment with myself, reminding myself that 1) I’m married and 2) I’d be a little too happy if this fellow responded. You know it’s time to check yourself and set a boundary when you feel a little thrill when your cursor hovers over a particular face smiling out of a thumbnail image. That is a clear signal for you to mentally slap your hand and move on. 

In addition to setting boundaries with yourself, you can also set a boundary when people contact you. It does not have to be dramatic or offensive. You can simply choose to catch the conversational ball. He messages, you message back (carefully NOT asking questions that would perpetuate the conversation), and if he messages back either catch the ball by not responding at all, simply “liking” his comment, or by tying that conversation up with a closing-bow like, “It was really wonderful to catch up, hope to see you at the reunion” (aka, “bye”).

Step Three: Set boundaries with yourself, understanding that some contacts are probably riskier for you than others. And set boundaries with others by catching the conversational ball before it starts getting too personal.

Lastly, let’s talk about the big one: Dissatisfaction and how to combat it. In a nutshell, the way to fight against

Dissatisfaction is through Authenticity.

Having a satisfying relationship with your partner is the number one most important thing that you can do to protect your relationship. If there are cracks in your relationship made up of boredom, resentment, or lack of connection, then you (or your partner) are more vulnerable to getting entangled with someone else. Especially when that someone is a half-real creation who may seem on the surface to be interesting, fun, witty, and have that sparkle of chemistry-connection that you are longing for. And, like any relationship with someone new, the inevitable resentment of long-term relationships has no place in this new dalliance… yet. In fact, they are perfect! Unlike your boring / annoying / selfish / inconsiderate / moody / fill-in-the-blank / spouse.

If you’re in a long-term committed relationship and find yourself crushing on someone else it has much less to do with that other person and much more to do about the state of your relationship. What qualities do you imagine this other person possesses that are so terribly attractive to you? Are they sweet? Assertive? Spiritual? Successful? Sexy? Having a crush can be very, very useful in understanding where you and your spouse are heading off track. You can use your crush-y feelings for an attractive stranger to help you identify the things in your relationship that need some work. 

Then, it’s time to have a sit-down with your spouse and authentically talk about the things in your relationship that are feeling a little off, and attempt to make it better. I realize that this is easier to say "practice authenticity" than actually do it sometimes, because your partner might feel hurt or upset that you are not fully okay with all aspects of your relationship. I know it’s hard to do but talking about your hopes for what your relationship could be, and enlisting your partner’s support in achieving that is the first step in making positive changes in your relationship.

The other side of the Authenticity coin is your ability to be authentic with yourself, and ask yourself some hard questions about how you may be contributing to your dissatisfaction in your relationship. Like, how fun, interesting and sexy are YOU? It is much easier and effective to improve your relationship by working on yourself and on your attitudes than it is to try and get your partner to be someone who they are not.

So Step Four: Combat Dissatisfaction through Authenticity. By authenticity I mean your ability and willingness to speak your truth and help your partner understand your experience of the relationship as well as your authenticity with yourself and your responsibility for the quality of your relationship.

 If you consistently make changes on your end, and try to talk to your partner (calmly, lovingly) and consistently get an angry, defensive, or hurt reaction from them, you may need the safety of the counseling room to support both of you as you have those hard but necessary conversations. 

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