How To Be Happy

Usually when I ask someone “What do you want to get out of therapy?” they tell me that they “just want to be happy.” Feeling unhappy is incredibly common. While there are times when our feelings of sadness and dissatisfaction are telling us that it’s time to make changes and grow, it is also true that there are ways to help yourself feel happier, no matter what your circumstances.

There are different kinds of happiness. There is the fleeting experience of joy that feels like being showered with rainbows and sunshine. We all deserve to taste that kind of happiness sometimes, but the problem is that intense joy is often elusive and rare. It is often a result of unique circumstances and unfortunately that exited, joyful state frequently departs soon after it arrives. When it goes it can leave us feeling down, wishing our happiness would return. It’s easy to get tricked into believing that is the only kind of happiness, and if it’s not present something is wrong. While we wait at the window hoping for another rainbow, it can be easy to miss the steady warm light of subtle happiness that is available to all of us, almost all of the time.

Where Joy is excitement and thrill, Everyday Happiness feels more like contentment and gratitude. Everyday Happiness means appreciating and being satisfied with what you have.  It is not fancy and exciting, but it is stable and reliable. Where Joy is strawberry cupcakes with butter-cream frosting and glitter sprinkles, Contentment and Gratitude are like fresh-baked bread—wholesome, humble and good with every meal.

The most direct path to finding and keeping Everyday Happiness is by practicing mindfulness and appreciating your present reality. If this sounds simple, it is. However, it is not easy. What is easy is listening to your mind yammer on about what should be that isn’t, what could be, what was, and visualizing how things could be better. Your mind shows you visions about what you don’t have, reminds you of your failures, and points out flaws. Like spending time with an emotional vampire, your mind hurts your feelings and creates longing, disappointment, and dissatisfaction with your reality.

The first step in reclaiming your happiness is to stay in the present. This means turning your attention away from your mind and focusing on your physical senses. What do you see in front of you? What do you hear? What do you feel with your body? What do you taste? What do you smell? What is actually happening right now? In most cases… almost nothing is happening right now. You are sitting in a chair, reading this article. Feel your feet on the floor, the chair under your legs, and the weight of the clothes on your body. Feel yourself breathing. Look at what is in front of you right now. Listen to your world. Do not analyze, label or judge. Be here now.

Now, cultivate happiness by finding things in your present reality to appreciate. Allow your stream-of-consciousness to touch all the positive:  “I appreciate the red flower in a vase on my desk. I appreciate that I have a nice office. I feel comfortably full from lunch. I’m grateful that I always have enough to eat.  I appreciate that I can see out the window. I appreciate that I am blessed with sight to see.”

Invariably your mind will helpfully pipe up with BUTS. “But you’re still overweight. But you still overslept and didn’t exercise this morning. But you have a pimple. But you hate your furniture.” Your mind may show you pictures of your flaws, faults, shortcomings and things you don’t have. The art of mindfulness is not to stop this, it’s to notice it is happening and come back to the present moment. The present moment, where you are still just sitting here in your chair, breathing and reading. Mentally say to Nega-Mind, “Thank you, but that is not helpful to me right now. Shhh.” And then intentionally re-focus on noticing and appreciating the positive, and savoring the good in your world.

This is a simple practice, but it can be a difficult switch to make at first. Don’t give up. Keep practicing and it will feel easier. You will notice, over time, as you make contact with your present reality and intentionally appreciate what is here now, that you feel more contented and appreciative of your life. This contentment, gratitude, and positivity is, ironically, a solid foundation from which to make meaningful changes that bring even more things to be happy about into your present reality.

I appreciate that you took the time to read this, and it makes me feel contented and grateful to be able to share these thoughts with you.

All the best,

Lisa