The Art of Balance

The holiday season is in full swing, in all it's fun and stressful buzz. To-do lists are growing, time is ticking, and there are so many places to go and things to do. As exciting as it is, it can be quite overwhelming to manage it all. Help is here! On the latest edition of Everyday Experts I'm speaking with Joanna, who has joyously mastered the Art of Balance. Listen now or read highlights of the interview, and get insight into the attitudes, actions and life lessons of a plate-spinning queen.

Joanna, in her own words...

Lisa: Please tell us a little about your life.

Joanna: I'm married, and we live on an acre of land with our three children who are 4, 2, and 5mos. We have 87 chickens, and I'm the volunteer executive director of an art center. As you know we are English, and frequently have houseguests that stay for weeks on end which can be hard to balance.

Lisa: You also have a very active social life, are frequently entertaining or looking after other people's children, and you actually manage to go out in the evenings with friends. You're always cultivating new friendships and have a houseful of people. You also have a wide variety of hobbies, you make handmade gifts for friends, you have this farm-sized vegetable garden, you cook from scratch, and you have been known to make your own cheese. How do you juggle all these things without getting overwhelmed? 

Joanna: I have no fear of chaos, and am married to a very tidy man which probably saves us all from total meltdown. I really love people and enjoy having them over. With three little kids, things are always grubby and unfinished and I just assume that people will forgive the chaos and the mess, and still be happy to come over and eat togehter and spend time. I have decided to assume that everyone understands, and that I will not be judged for the imperfect parts. I also assume that people can make themselves at home and ask for what they need rather than need me attempting to take care of everyone. I had an example in my mum who had a giant vegetable garden and similar attitude towards houseguests. She'd say, "If they want something they can go outside and dig it up." 

Lisa: Tell me more about some of the attitudes you hold that allow you to do so many things and thrive, rather than feel overwhelmed.

Joanna: My belief is that you'll never regret doing many things. It might be a lot of work, but looking back you don't regret it. My mentor here is my brother, who is the hardest working person I know. He is a musician and plays over three hundred shows a year (plug -- Check out Frank Turner), and his attitude is that you just have to go for it. You do have to make a judgment call about how crazy you want your life to be. I mean, sometimes I don't know how I'm going to get to the end of the day. I have twenty five things to do, and then suddenly realize that I'm out of cat food. But if something is worth doing it's worth doing. It's easier to say no than say yes to life sometimes, but I don't want to not do things out of the fear that it all might become too much. It's more interesting to try and give it a go. That's important to me, to live my life.

Lisa: Having this be a choice that is attached to your values helps you enjoy it. 

Joanna: Yes. I also have to stay in the present and don't think too much.  If I think about the whole thing it would become really overwhelming. So I don't think about that. I can't. You have do break things down in to little bits, and then just do the one in front of you right now. I say to myself, "Actually, the only thing that I have to do right now is get three sets of shoes on and get out the door."

Because if I thought of all the other things I need to achieve in the next half hour my head would probably fall off. I need to take everything in little chunks saying "I can't do everything, but I can do this one little thing right now."

You also have to let things go, and accepting the fact that it cannot be perfect. I can only do the best I can. For instance, brushing my two year old's hair. I want her hair brushed because I want her to look nice, but that would involve twenty five minutes of chasing her with a hairbrush and her screaming at me, that's not worth it so I've let it go. Letting go of perfection and accepting what it is. I don't want to sound lazy about that, and I"ll not always accept things as "good enough" but I think it is really important and very easy to start worrying that things aren't good enough and then realize that you haven't done anything. It's better just to have a go, and try it, because otherwise you'll not do anything if you're worried about needing things to be just so. 

One of my principal attitudes in life is to try things and take chances. It was scary when we moved here, not knowing anyone, with a baby and three suitcases.  But it's worth crossing the road and trying new things. Whatever is on the other side is going to be more interesting than not having done it. Things are always easier to undo than they are to do. We have about ninety chickens, and one day we'll have to move back to England, but it was important for me to create a life here that wasn't temporary. i didn't want to live as though I was always about to go home. Moving here taught me a valuable lesson-- that it's worth doing things. You could not do lots of things because it might not work out, but you might as well do them anyway. Because you can always undo them. You can quit from a job, or stop volunteering, but you might as well give it a go because it's really interesting. If it gets to be too much I can always stop. I just give it a go, and try to be brave.

Lisa: How do you get back in balance when you start to feel like it's too much? 

Joanna: There are times when it does get to be too much. For me it was noticing that I was exhausted. Tired, run down, overstressed, and I learned at those time you can just say no. I had to quit a job last year because it was just too much for me. This past week I had a friend coming over for dinner and I had been up all night with the baby and was just exhausted. I rang her up and said, "Look, I just can't make you dinner tonight." In the past I would have been very English about it and not said anything and had her over anyway and tried not to fall asleep at the table. But I've learned that it is okay to cancel plans, or stop doing something that is tiring. It is perfectly acceptable to say that you don't want to do something. The world will not end if you don't go to the party. I try not to be really crap, but sometimes I do get tired and you must acknowlege that. If I don't rest sometimes I won't be of use to anyone. 

Lisa: What would you advise someone who was feeling really overwhelmed by the holidays?

Joanna: Don't care as much about what other people think. Its easy to get wound up about decorations and the state of the house, and whether the napkins match the table cloth. When it comes to social gatherings the thing that makes it pleasureable is that its all about being in the same space and sharing time togehter, not what you've done with your house. No one cares. If you stay relaxed, your guests will be relaxed and everyone will have a good time. When I get stressed it's because I'm thinking about other people and what they're going to think. Its easy to think that especially when you're hosting an event.

What I have worked out from having loads of people in my house all the time, is that people don't notice the things that haven't been done because they're not expecting the moon on a stick. They're just thirilled because they're going to see you, and they just like being invited.  No one will remember what color the table cloth was. We had some friends from the UK staying with us the other week and they had to share our living room with a half drowned chicken that fell in the pond. The chicken was drying out in front of the fireplace and my children were running around half naked and I just said to myself "I refuse to mind. I will not apologize for the chaos." They thought it was novel and fun , and we all had a great time. 

Lisa: Thanks Joanna, you're an inspiration!

Main Points:

- Embrace the chaos, and assume that others will understand

- Say Yes when it's interesting and attached to your values

- Say No when you're tired or it's pulling you down

- Accept reality and let go of "perfect"

- Stay in the present; Focus on what's in front of you rather than the future

-  Assume that people are simply happy to be together and that no one cares about the details