How to Deal With In-Laws
How To Deal With In-Laws — A Survival Guide
Are searching for kind ways for how to deal with in-laws over the holiday season? The holidays are upon us, which, for many, means spending time with our partner’s family. While family togetherness and holiday cheer can be beautiful, it can also be a time of stress, particularly when it comes to dealing with in-laws. If you’re worried about how to deal with in-laws this holiday season, don’t worry — we’re here to help.
How to Deal With In-Law Problems…You’re Not Alone
As a couples counselor, I’m very familiar with the in-laws conversation, because it’s inevitably bound to happen in every relationship. If you have in-law problems, you’re not alone. In-law relationships can be difficult to navigate, especially if you come from a very different family of origin than your partner. You may not know how to deal with in-laws if they have different ways of resolving conflict than your family, or if they’re noisier about your parenting or your personal life than your family of origin tends to be, or if they hold political views that you find a bit…off-putting.
Holiday visits with children can be an especially fraught domain when in-laws get involved, especially if you have controlling in-laws, pushy in-laws, or in-laws with boundary issues. If you’re doing your best to parent your kids without losing your mind, while keeping your relationship strong after kids, any unsolicited parenting advice will sound a lot like criticism, no matter how well intended.
Around the holidays, couples often get into arguments about how to deal with in-laws: Whose family to visit? Which subjects to discuss, and which to avoid? How to respond when Uncle Bill takes his Facebook rants to the Thanksgiving table? What if you don’t want to spend time with in-laws?
Even outside of the holidays, many couples find dealing with in-laws difficult, and struggle to find a healthy middle ground that respects the integrity of their new family while also maintaining relationships with each other’s “first family.” Overbearing mothers-in-law, judgmental fathers-in-law, or in-laws who simply don’t treat you like family are the stuff of holiday comedies for a reason — they’re tropes many of us can recognize in our own in-law experiences.
Help For How to Deal With In-Laws
If you don’t want to spend time with your in-laws (and many people don’t), it can be incredibly hurtful to your partner, so it’s important to navigate these important relationships as best you can.
On this episode of the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast, I put together an “in-law survival guide” for you to not just handle in-laws with diplomacy and grace, but to come together as a couple around setting appropriate limits with each other’s families, both now and in the future.
I’m sharing my best advice on how to deal with in-laws, strengthen the family you created together, and come into each other’s “first family” as a couple. We’ll also talk about communication strategies, as well as tips to help you stay in a good place if you find yourself in a challenging interpersonal situation with your partner’s family.
I hope that these ideas help you honor and respect each other, while also maintaining the extended family relationships that are so important to both of you.
Happy Thanksgiving!
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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
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How to Deal With In-Laws
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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self. She is a licensed psychologist, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and a board-certified coach, as well as the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.
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Do you have a “most challenging in-law situation? Get it off your chest (anonymously of course!) in the comments for” some virtual “group therapy!”
Hi Lisa,
I have been listening to different pod casts on dealing with manipulative and narcissistic in laws. Ive also began to think about reaching out and seeing a therapist or psychologist regarding these issues.
I have been with my fiancé for 3 years. He was 27 when we met and lived with his family still. He is the second oldest of 6 kids. All but one child lives at home.
6 months after I met my fiancé we were sick of being apart and I was always at his anyway so we had the discussion for him to move into my apartment I had by myself or move into his families home. He had a flat of his own their dad built adjacent to the main house. He didn’t want to move away from his family and we agreed it would be cheaper as he paid barely any rent. I got along with the family fine at that point; but I also had my own space to go back to.
From the get go; privacy was non existent. The family had no comprehension of what boundaries were. Especially his mother. She had not worked since she was 18, been a stay at home mum and just never made the adjustment back into, or really even had a working career. She spent her time going out to lunch and going shopping.
Their home was unbelievable; I’d never seen anything like it. Piles of clothes up to the roof, while rooms with things just piled up and thrown in there. Total chaos and disorganisation. It smelt pungent and often made me dry heave. I tried to not go into the main house because it was uncomfortable being there. She did nothing all day except spend money and socialise. That was my take on it anyway.
This behaviour though, went further than just the mother. The children, besides my partner did not work. They are all adults. Did not pay rent; we were the only ones paying any rent. They did not even pay for the fuel they used driving the cars the father bought them. He literally paid for everything! Fuel, food, electricity, car insurances, multiple holidays every year. It stumped me how they could afford so many holiday cruises with so many people so many times a year; when no one worked or contributed to the families expenses besides myself and my fiancé!
We never went on these cruises or holidays with them, we really enjoyed the time without them around as there was always a family drama happening.
I did a lot for the family, bought them groceries when I went to by ours, many times drove them to and from places, often very late at night. I was constantly doing favours for them. Which I did not mind, after all, they were my family.
But we were always ridiculed and called rude and disrespectful, primarily me, because sometimes I would just like to sit in our flat and have time to unwind from work and not be social. They would walk in without knocking, unannounced, sometimes when we were in bed or I was in the shower, in the toilet, etc. when I’d announce “hey I’m actually on the toilet” they would simply say ok I’ll just wait. And wait in the kitchen.
They had no respect for boundaries or personal space.
One afternoon my mother in law messaged and called me several times to come over and have coffee with her as I often did, The night before she messaged me to go have dinner but I declined as she had only said the day before she had gastro, which she got often. I did not want to catch it. I didn’t answer the calls as my fiancé and I were fighting about his family, funnily enough.
I left the house and went to see my best friend. I didn’t really think anything of it. That afternoon I received another text from my mother in law saying she’s sick of me, and she’s. It going to make an effort with me anymore, and that she is done; she will leave me alone now.
A bit dramatic, but that was her style. I texted back saying sorry but I’ve just not been up to come round and I wanted to see my girlfriend. And explained to her I’d been feeling really down and hadn’t felt like talking to anyone. She hated that we wanted to move out and talked about it for a long time, they didn’t want us to move and hated that we would not be there to constantly do them favours and drive everyone around like we did.
We had no contact for a month and it was super stressful and awkward, I luckily worked in Sydney so I spent a lot of time travelling and was rarely home. I spent the weekends at work too and also at friends to avoid them. I didn’t agree with how they were treating us, especially her. My fiancé was the go to son for them, he was the one to was called all hours of the night when they were creating another crisis.
Whether it be the father being so drunk and trying to get into his car to drive, or the brother trying to harm himself; his mother called my fiancé and he had to drop everything and go handle it. Which he did, he loved his family, and put up with there belittling of him and his job. He is a cop and they don’t like cops, for some reason.
They told him from the start he could never do it and he’d make a terrible police officer.
They often ridiculed him for being a bit overweight, telling him he’s a fat cop. Which I found startling as they are all morbidly obese themselves. And also do not work.
Fast forward 4-5 weeks, we had a cousins birthday at a local community hall, the whole family attended and also the cousins wife’s family.
We arrived after not having communication with the parents for a few weeks because of the mums rant with me. We did our rounds of saying hello, greeting all the family. I go to the table of where the parents and grandparents are sitting, kids and hug everyone as I always have done. I get to my mother in law and go to greet her, she stops me and says “ don’t you dare speak to me, you can leave right now” . I felt so embarrassed as there were people from other families there and heard it. I said to her that that’s fine and I’m happy to leave.
I was pretty distressed and grabbed my things to go and my fiancé told me to stay and not to let her win, along with other family members but I’d had enough of her narcissism and manipulation; it did not work with me.
I called a friend to come pick me up and was happy for my fiancé to stay; I needed time to think anyway.
While I was waiting, it was cold so my sister I law let me sit in her car. My fiancé came and sat with me and we were taking about and he was really upset I’d been spoken to that way. He went back inside to confront his mother. She deflected it as usual and ignored him and would not make eye contact with him while he was trying to talk to her. She just looked at her mother; his nan and said “ see the way he treats me”. The nan is the reason my mother in law is the way she is, I call the nan, “the enabler” .
My fiancé finally got so frustrated he told his mum to get fucked and started walking out.
That’s when it really got nasty. The family became violet and started pushing my fiancé out the door and the fight spilled into the car park where I was waiting.
Everyone besides myself were yelling screaming and insulting. I locked the car doors because I was pretty scared.
I had family members calling me a slut, cunt, a bitch and that this is all my fault. I was told to get out of the car. I thought , I am out of here and opened the car door to get out, I was sandwiched between family members who were screaming and I was shoved. My sister I. Law started screaming “ she’s trying to hit mum” . Meaning I was getting out of the car to hit a 50 year old woman. I was shoved in the chest. I’m not a fighter and have no violent tendencies. I grew up in an extremely abusive home, physically and mentally, and am sickened by violence. I cut ties with my parents due to this.
I proceeded to get back in the car and lock the doors. I had no idea what to do, my fiancé did not come help me , he was being abused too I guess. He broke down crying and things died down as people broke it up, meanwhile the wife’s family stayed in the community centre totally shocked at what they were seeing.
My fiancé’s family were well known for causing drama and had no shame in who witnessed it. They were a huge family with many cousins and used there support of each other to get approval for their dispicable behaviour.
I saw my best friends car pull up and jumped out and into her car, my fiancé was crying and being consoled by family members who were telling him this was because of me and I tried to hit their mum.
I don’t know why, but he got in the car with us. We were driven home back to the families property. I immediately began packing as I was told whilst sitting in the during the incident to leave the home, by my mother in law. She said she wanted me out, and to be honest, I wanted out.
My fiancé just sat there crying, not knowing how to handle what had just happened with his family. He couldn’t comprehend why they’d treat him so badly.
I coped pretty well though, I’d been picked out of home when I was 18 for talking to my sister if he forbidden you speak to, by my parents. I just get things done and reflect when I’ve sorted a safe place out.
We had no where to go; literally. His family owned an investment property about 20 minutes away but it was never visited or rented out because they’d literally lived there for 16 years and just left, moving into the place they’re at now. They’d literally all just got in the car and left everything as it was, it was like a time capsule. But it had started to fall apart from bad craftsmanship of the fathers when building the house, the roof leaked so bad, the mould was everywhere and it smelt horrible. They’d left fridges running and rotten food still on there for. 5 years ago.
That’s the only place we had to go I guess. I was adamant to my fiancé that I needed to leave. He didn’t want to leave. So I have him my engagement ring and said if you can’t do this, that’s fine. But I need to leave and cannot be in this environment any longer. I kept packing my car and he decided he wanted to come.
We spent 3 months at that dilapidated house whilst waiting for our works to transfer us 5 hours away. We figured we needed to get as far away from them as possible. It’s been about 5 months since then, our relationship is rocky and has been because of his family. He has been depressed because he is sad about his family and cannot have a life without them. He says that they’re his family and he needs them in his life. They’ve not apologised to me.
They’ve called him a few times and things seem like they’ve been forgotten to me. I will not speak to them until they hold themselves accountable for their behaviour and change. His mother struggles with not controlling him and he receives text messages from friends of hers saying she’s been having life threatening surgery. Which is not true. She is just trying to manipulate him again.
We don’t have sex ever, he won’t talk about his parents and makes me feel like it’s my fault I don’t want to have them around. He says I can’t forgive people, and I hold grudges.
He went through a really bad bout of depression because of this. But seems to be ok because he’s taking to them like nothing has happened. But still says to me he’s upset they treated him so badly.
I really need help I’m how to handle this situation. I really love him but I cannot stand his family, and will not welcome them to our house until they are respectful and accountable for what they’ve done to us.
Anna, I can hear that you’re eager to share your story and get help with this. I appreciate that, and the kind of help you really need (and deserve) is far more than what can be achieved in the comments section of a blog post. 🙂 If you are serious about resolving this, please make an appointment for you and your partner to meet with a good marriage and family therapist who can help you work through these important issues. The path to resolution is going to require a LOT of talking, unpacking, understanding, and empathy, as well as a stronger partnership and some good tools for you to both use. It will likely require months of working consistently with a good marriage and family therapist to achieve this outcome, because there is a lot of water under this bridge already. As you’re shopping for a good couples counselor, just be sure they have an “MFT” after their name or they may not know how to help you.
Wishing you all the best
Lisa
Do you have a “most challenging in-law situation? Get it off your chest (anonymously of course!) in the comments for” some virtual “group therapy!”
Hi Lisa,
I have been listening to different pod casts on dealing with manipulative and narcissistic in laws. Ive also began to think about reaching out and seeing a therapist or psychologist regarding these issues.
I have been with my fiancé for 3 years. He was 27 when we met and lived with his family still. He is the second oldest of 6 kids. All but one child lives at home.
6 months after I met my fiancé we were sick of being apart and I was always at his anyway so we had the discussion for him to move into my apartment I had by myself or move into his families home. He had a flat of his own their dad built adjacent to the main house. He didn’t want to move away from his family and we agreed it would be cheaper as he paid barely any rent. I got along with the family fine at that point; but I also had my own space to go back to.
From the get go; privacy was non existent. The family had no comprehension of what boundaries were. Especially his mother. She had not worked since she was 18, been a stay at home mum and just never made the adjustment back into, or really even had a working career. She spent her time going out to lunch and going shopping.
Their home was unbelievable; I’d never seen anything like it. Piles of clothes up to the roof, while rooms with things just piled up and thrown in there. Total chaos and disorganisation. It smelt pungent and often made me dry heave. I tried to not go into the main house because it was uncomfortable being there. She did nothing all day except spend money and socialise. That was my take on it anyway.
This behaviour though, went further than just the mother. The children, besides my partner did not work. They are all adults. Did not pay rent; we were the only ones paying any rent. They did not even pay for the fuel they used driving the cars the father bought them. He literally paid for everything! Fuel, food, electricity, car insurances, multiple holidays every year. It stumped me how they could afford so many holiday cruises with so many people so many times a year; when no one worked or contributed to the families expenses besides myself and my fiancé!
We never went on these cruises or holidays with them, we really enjoyed the time without them around as there was always a family drama happening.
I did a lot for the family, bought them groceries when I went to by ours, many times drove them to and from places, often very late at night. I was constantly doing favours for them. Which I did not mind, after all, they were my family.
But we were always ridiculed and called rude and disrespectful, primarily me, because sometimes I would just like to sit in our flat and have time to unwind from work and not be social. They would walk in without knocking, unannounced, sometimes when we were in bed or I was in the shower, in the toilet, etc. when I’d announce “hey I’m actually on the toilet” they would simply say ok I’ll just wait. And wait in the kitchen.
They had no respect for boundaries or personal space.
One afternoon my mother in law messaged and called me several times to come over and have coffee with her as I often did, The night before she messaged me to go have dinner but I declined as she had only said the day before she had gastro, which she got often. I did not want to catch it. I didn’t answer the calls as my fiancé and I were fighting about his family, funnily enough.
I left the house and went to see my best friend. I didn’t really think anything of it. That afternoon I received another text from my mother in law saying she’s sick of me, and she’s. It going to make an effort with me anymore, and that she is done; she will leave me alone now.
A bit dramatic, but that was her style. I texted back saying sorry but I’ve just not been up to come round and I wanted to see my girlfriend. And explained to her I’d been feeling really down and hadn’t felt like talking to anyone. She hated that we wanted to move out and talked about it for a long time, they didn’t want us to move and hated that we would not be there to constantly do them favours and drive everyone around like we did.
We had no contact for a month and it was super stressful and awkward, I luckily worked in Sydney so I spent a lot of time travelling and was rarely home. I spent the weekends at work too and also at friends to avoid them. I didn’t agree with how they were treating us, especially her. My fiancé was the go to son for them, he was the one to was called all hours of the night when they were creating another crisis.
Whether it be the father being so drunk and trying to get into his car to drive, or the brother trying to harm himself; his mother called my fiancé and he had to drop everything and go handle it. Which he did, he loved his family, and put up with there belittling of him and his job. He is a cop and they don’t like cops, for some reason.
They told him from the start he could never do it and he’d make a terrible police officer.
They often ridiculed him for being a bit overweight, telling him he’s a fat cop. Which I found startling as they are all morbidly obese themselves. And also do not work.
Fast forward 4-5 weeks, we had a cousins birthday at a local community hall, the whole family attended and also the cousins wife’s family.
We arrived after not having communication with the parents for a few weeks because of the mums rant with me. We did our rounds of saying hello, greeting all the family. I go to the table of where the parents and grandparents are sitting, kids and hug everyone as I always have done. I get to my mother in law and go to greet her, she stops me and says “ don’t you dare speak to me, you can leave right now” . I felt so embarrassed as there were people from other families there and heard it. I said to her that that’s fine and I’m happy to leave.
I was pretty distressed and grabbed my things to go and my fiancé told me to stay and not to let her win, along with other family members but I’d had enough of her narcissism and manipulation; it did not work with me.
I called a friend to come pick me up and was happy for my fiancé to stay; I needed time to think anyway.
While I was waiting, it was cold so my sister I law let me sit in her car. My fiancé came and sat with me and we were taking about and he was really upset I’d been spoken to that way. He went back inside to confront his mother. She deflected it as usual and ignored him and would not make eye contact with him while he was trying to talk to her. She just looked at her mother; his nan and said “ see the way he treats me”. The nan is the reason my mother in law is the way she is, I call the nan, “the enabler” .
My fiancé finally got so frustrated he told his mum to get fucked and started walking out.
That’s when it really got nasty. The family became violet and started pushing my fiancé out the door and the fight spilled into the car park where I was waiting.
Everyone besides myself were yelling screaming and insulting. I locked the car doors because I was pretty scared.
I had family members calling me a slut, cunt, a bitch and that this is all my fault. I was told to get out of the car. I thought , I am out of here and opened the car door to get out, I was sandwiched between family members who were screaming and I was shoved. My sister I. Law started screaming “ she’s trying to hit mum” . Meaning I was getting out of the car to hit a 50 year old woman. I was shoved in the chest. I’m not a fighter and have no violent tendencies. I grew up in an extremely abusive home, physically and mentally, and am sickened by violence. I cut ties with my parents due to this.
I proceeded to get back in the car and lock the doors. I had no idea what to do, my fiancé did not come help me , he was being abused too I guess. He broke down crying and things died down as people broke it up, meanwhile the wife’s family stayed in the community centre totally shocked at what they were seeing.
My fiancé’s family were well known for causing drama and had no shame in who witnessed it. They were a huge family with many cousins and used there support of each other to get approval for their dispicable behaviour.
I saw my best friends car pull up and jumped out and into her car, my fiancé was crying and being consoled by family members who were telling him this was because of me and I tried to hit their mum.
I don’t know why, but he got in the car with us. We were driven home back to the families property. I immediately began packing as I was told whilst sitting in the during the incident to leave the home, by my mother in law. She said she wanted me out, and to be honest, I wanted out.
My fiancé just sat there crying, not knowing how to handle what had just happened with his family. He couldn’t comprehend why they’d treat him so badly.
I coped pretty well though, I’d been picked out of home when I was 18 for talking to my sister if he forbidden you speak to, by my parents. I just get things done and reflect when I’ve sorted a safe place out.
We had no where to go; literally. His family owned an investment property about 20 minutes away but it was never visited or rented out because they’d literally lived there for 16 years and just left, moving into the place they’re at now. They’d literally all just got in the car and left everything as it was, it was like a time capsule. But it had started to fall apart from bad craftsmanship of the fathers when building the house, the roof leaked so bad, the mould was everywhere and it smelt horrible. They’d left fridges running and rotten food still on there for. 5 years ago.
That’s the only place we had to go I guess. I was adamant to my fiancé that I needed to leave. He didn’t want to leave. So I have him my engagement ring and said if you can’t do this, that’s fine. But I need to leave and cannot be in this environment any longer. I kept packing my car and he decided he wanted to come.
We spent 3 months at that dilapidated house whilst waiting for our works to transfer us 5 hours away. We figured we needed to get as far away from them as possible. It’s been about 5 months since then, our relationship is rocky and has been because of his family. He has been depressed because he is sad about his family and cannot have a life without them. He says that they’re his family and he needs them in his life. They’ve not apologised to me.
They’ve called him a few times and things seem like they’ve been forgotten to me. I will not speak to them until they hold themselves accountable for their behaviour and change. His mother struggles with not controlling him and he receives text messages from friends of hers saying she’s been having life threatening surgery. Which is not true. She is just trying to manipulate him again.
We don’t have sex ever, he won’t talk about his parents and makes me feel like it’s my fault I don’t want to have them around. He says I can’t forgive people, and I hold grudges.
He went through a really bad bout of depression because of this. But seems to be ok because he’s taking to them like nothing has happened. But still says to me he’s upset they treated him so badly.
I really need help I’m how to handle this situation. I really love him but I cannot stand his family, and will not welcome them to our house until they are respectful and accountable for what they’ve done to us.
Anna, I can hear that you’re eager to share your story and get help with this. I appreciate that, and the kind of help you really need (and deserve) is far more than what can be achieved in the comments section of a blog post. 🙂 If you are serious about resolving this, please make an appointment for you and your partner to meet with a good marriage and family therapist who can help you work through these important issues. The path to resolution is going to require a LOT of talking, unpacking, understanding, and empathy, as well as a stronger partnership and some good tools for you to both use. It will likely require months of working consistently with a good marriage and family therapist to achieve this outcome, because there is a lot of water under this bridge already. As you’re shopping for a good couples counselor, just be sure they have an “MFT” after their name or they may not know how to help you.
Wishing you all the best
Lisa