Marriage Counseling Questions

"How can marriage counseling help us?"

Couples new to counseling often wonder, "How can marriage counseling help us?" Couples often seek counseling with me when they feel disconnected from each other, unheard, misunderstood, or upset with each other. Couples can begin to feel hopeless when it seems that communication has broken down and there is always a fight simmering just under the surface. They love each other, but they don't know how to end the cycle of anger and resentment and make things better. They feel stuck. Couples can easily get trapped in a systemic, negative cycle with each other where they each react to each other in ways that perpetuate the arguing and disconnection. These negative cycles take on a life of their own and it can become very difficult to break free, because even in one person tries something different they will be met with the same old response from their partner, who is still working from the old script of the relationship. The partner who just tried something new will often abandon their attempts at change and get sucked back in to the same old reactions. It often requires outside intervention to help each partner see and understand the pattern, stop it, and together create a new positive cycle of interaction. Working with a professional marriage counselor can help you see the old pattern, stop it, and do something new instead.

"When should we start marriage counseling?"

One common question I am asked is "When should we consider marriage counseling?" According to research distressed couples take an average of 6 years to decide to come to counseling. Waiting too long and allowing old ways of being to become very entrenched can make the counseling process much more difficult. Years of negative interactions can damage a relationship terribly, creating toxic hostility, resentment and avoidance that effects everyone in the family and can be hard to heal. The sooner you can stop this pattern, the better. Marriage counseling is much easier and more effective between people who still love and respect each other, and have hope for their relationship. Getting professional help for your relationship sooner rather than later is an investment in your family. Being able to show your children how to have a high quality, healthy relationship will help them to have healthy relationships with others. The work you do now can create love and happiness for your family that touches future generations—your children's children will benefit from being part of a family that understands how to be married.

"Will I be blamed for our problems?"

I know that it's a tough decision to start counseling. It can feel difficult, and frankly scary to reach out and open your relationship up to a marriage counselor. Frequently, one person in the relationship worries that they will be blamed for the problems or ganged up on in therapy by their partner and the therapist. My approach works on the way that you are both interacting with each other, not you individually. I know that both of your responses are valid given your experiences in the relationship. I work hard to ensure that counseling with me is emotionally safe and validating for both of you.

"What are the goals of marriage counseling?"

With the emotional safety and expertise I provide, I can help your marriage to grow in new directions by identifying the feelings and patterns that are at the source of the conflict. Each of you gets to express yourself authentically and be heard by your partner. When you learn to how to communicate in a new way you can develop empathy for each other and re-connect emotionally to the person you fell in love with. I will help you to make the real-world changes need to occur in order for things to be truly different. My ultimate goal in marriage counseling is to strengthen the loving bond of a relationship. This increases intimacy, helps each partner to feel secure and loved, and creates a happier and more fulfilling relationship.

Case Study

"Chris and Karen" typify the couples I see. Chris emailed me for a consultation meeting, saying that he and his wife needed help to stop the cycle or arguing and unhappiness that seemed to have taken over their marriage. I was glad that they had contacted me, because as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in marriage counseling, I have lots of experience guiding couples through the process of growth and healing that they so clearly needed.

During our first meeting we started to sort through their concerns. Karen seemed angry but I could see that under the surface she was really hurting. With just a few gentle questions from me the hurt poured out and she told me that she felt very lonely and uncared for by her husband sometimes. Chris sat with his face reddening, and seemed reluctant to talk. But with my support, he was able to open up about how he felt like she was always upset with him, and how that made him want to withdraw. They talked about how their relationship had changed since the birth of their first child, and how irritation and hurt seemed to have replaced the affection and fun they once shared.

Karen, Chris and I meet weekly for several months, and our therapy appointments became the “safe place” where they each trusted that they would be heard and understood. In our meetings they could talk about hard, yet necessary topics without it turning into a fight. I helped them to understand each other's feelings and needs. Session by session their empathy for each other grew and their attitudes toward each other softened.

Meeting through face-to-face video conferencing was essential to their success. Without it they would never have been able to keep their weekly appointments with me. I know from experience that marriage counseling works when couples are committed to the process. Going two or three weeks between meetings can be detrimental. They always kept their appointments with me because it was so easy.

They met with me on a laptop at their kitchen table, after dinner. They never had to find childcare for their daughters, and Karen often nursed their baby while we talked. I often schedule individual meetings with both people in a couple, and Karen usually saw me at home during naptime. I met with Chris during lunch hour at his office. When Chris traveled, as he frequently did, the three of us were still able to meet together, each from a different location, and the steady, forward momentum of their therapy continued.

Over time both Chris and Karen came to understand each other’s point of view and each became willing to try new things in response. We talked about housework, parenting, sex, money, in-laws, communication, time together and much more. We put new plans in place that honored both of their feelings, and the fights stopped. But, more importantly, they felt closer and more connected to each other. They had fun again. And they learned the skills and tools to ensure that when they hit another rough patch in the future, they could work through it on their own. During our last meeting they sat on their couch with their arms around each other and seemed so in love. They had both grown enormously, and they seemed genuinely appreciative of each other. It was beautiful.

So, that’s my service to couples: I provide a safe environment, new understanding and empathy for each other, and “a new plan” for relationships. I might be able to do this with you two as well.

If you like my approach, get in touch with me. It's easy and it's free to speak with me in person and find out what it would be like to work with me. Meeting with me online is just as effective, but easier, more private, and more convenient for you. Simply give me a call at (720) 443-1110, contact me through my website or email me at hello@growingself.com to set up a free, face-to-face consultation meeting.