Dating After Divorce

Dating After Divorce

Dating After Divorce

Markie Keelan, M.A., LPC is a therapist, life coach and dating coach whose mission is to help you create authentic happiness and satisfaction in your life especially when it comes to dating after divorce. She supports you to create a deeper connection with others, as well as actualize your life’s purpose.

 

Ready to find love again?

I often hear the question, “When is someone ready to start dating after divorce?” That’s a hard question to answer, but those who are newly divorced give dating a lot more consideration than the majority of single folks out there.

Their hesitation to jump back into the dating pool makes sense; the reason being is that divorce shakes our confidence in our ability to connect. When you’ve gone through a traumatic relationship loss or breakup it can make you question your ability to trust others but also your ability to trust your decisions on choosing a partner. Dating after a divorce feels much riskier.

So, if you are lost with no idea where to even start with dating after divorce, don’t worry, you are not alone and there are ways in which you can help yourself. Here are some guidelines to help you recover and get back out there.

Tips For Dating After Divorce

  • Revise your self-talk to support your success

Confidence plays a major role in the healing process of divorce. Some relationships can be similar to an addiction to another person. Addicts don’t believe that they’ll ever be able to survive without their drug. Divorcees can sometimes feel like they’ll never be able to find love again.

This is a negative thinking pattern that can lead to more than just lack of confidence but isolation, anxiety, and depression. So be in-tune with what you are telling yourself, and try to create a more empowering narrative. Chances are a good dose of loving self-talk could help your situation. For more on how to do this, check out our Happiness Class.

  • Assess whether you are you really ready

You may not be ready to date if you’re still, in your heart of hearts, privately carrying a torch for your Ex. Like an addiction, when a relationship ends we can be ambivalent and question whether or not we’ll go back into that relationship again. Many people spend months after a breakup or divorce half hoping your partner may change their mind and realize they made a huge mistake. If that’s the case, you then are putting your healing process in their hands. Furthermore, any new relationship you attempt is likely to spin its wheels.

Take back control by committing to moving yourself forward. It may be helpful to get clarity and closure about why your breakup or divorce was a good thing. For example, recognizing that your past relationship wasn’t meeting all of your needs and working on clarity and closure for yourself. This may mean you keep distance from this person and take every precaution not to slip back into the purgatory of waiting and hoping. For many people, getting the support of a great breakup recovery coach or participating in a breakup recovery group can help them heal and grow, as opposed to wallpaper over the pain by dating prematurely.

Only then will you be genuinely emotionally available to begin a healthy new relationship with someone else.

  • Make a needs list

Many times in failed relationships we were not getting our needs met before they ended. Maybe you don’t even know what your needs are in a relationship because they have been on the back burner for so long. Take your time to write out a list of what you NEED in a relationship. This list could include, honesty, trust, quality time, etc. This list will help guide you in the dating process to be honest with you and your future partner of whether or not this relationship will work for you.

I also encourage my dating coaching clients to ask themselves, ‘What do I need to be able to come to a new relationship the way I want to?’ This way you are also looking at what you need to be able to provide in order to connect back to others in a way that isn’t compromised by manipulation or feelings of inadequacy.

  • Let go of the pressure to heal  

Depending on what the reasons were for the divorce, it could take days, or it could take years to grieve this relationship trauma. Don’t let a time frame determine your journey towards love. Feeling pressured by time or other people doesn’t help us grow into the person we want to be. I encourage divorcees who are not ready to enter back into the dating world to engage your support network and surround yourself with people you can rely on.

  • Focus on self-care

Lastly, I’d suggest making time for self-care. Surround yourself with people who support you, do things that are fun, and make sure you invest in rest, nutrition, exercise, and your healing process. When you put energy into your self and your own wellness, you’ll exude the confidence and self respect that’s so attractive to potential new partners.

Dating after divorce can feel challenging, but you have a lot of power. Remind yourself that although your mind may be trying to trick you that the rest of your life is going to be an uphill battle, it doesn’t have to be. Using some of these different approaches I’ve described, like revising your self talk, working through the past before moving forward, prioritizing your needs, honoring your own timeline, and practicing good self care can arm you with a set of tools to help you feel genuinely able to move forward, and challenge yourself to be open to finding love again.

All the best to you,

Markie Keelan, M.A., LPC

Ps: If you’re ready to jump back in the pool, here are more ideas to support you in this podcast: The New Rules of Modern Dating — check it out!

Leaving Toxic Relationship?

Leaving Toxic Relationship?

Leaving Toxic Relationship?

Breaking Free From a Toxic Relationship

LEAVING TOXIC RELATIONSHIP? Or thinking about it? If so, my heart goes out to you: You’ve already been through the wringer. As a therapist who specializes in toxic relationship addiction, and having researched and written a breakup recovery book, I know from years of experience that when you’re addicted to a toxic relationship, it messes with your mind. Toxic relationships trash your self esteem. They damage your ability to trust. But even worse, after tolerating months or even years in a toxic relationship it can make you feel like you can’t even trust your own judgement anymore.

This is completely understandable. For the record, anyone can get mixed up in a toxic relationship. Having this experience doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you. It’s happened to me, too. It’s easy to get sucked in to an exciting, passionate relationship that makes you feel the chemistry you’ve been longing for. The early stages of toxic relationships often feel like what we believe “true love” is supposed to feel like — intense, obsessive, and all consuming.

This very reason is why toxic relationships are SO confusing. They are, by definition, fraught with the highest of highs. When you’re in an unhealthy relationship, there is an elation when you connect, a sense of “completeness” when you’re with the person you have such intense feelings for… but also the lowest of the lows. And the lows always come. Being mistreated, emotionally abused, betrayed, and having your boundaries crossed (and crossed and crossed) are also part of the experience of being in a toxic relationship. Throw in a little gaslighting, and after a while, you don’t even know which way is up anymore.

Why It’s So Hard To Leave a Toxic Relationship

Even if you know (intellectually) that it’s time to cut the cord to a toxic relationship, it’s easier said than done. Relationship addiction is a very real thing, and just like an alcoholic or substance abuser can have an unhealthy, yet very real, bond to a substance…you can also have an unhealthy attachment to another person. And just like any other addiction, being addicted to a toxic relationship isn’t something you can just quit easily. Breaking free from a toxic relationship is a recovery process that takes time, self-awareness, growth, and a lot of support.

Before you can leave a toxic relationship, if you’re like many people, you’re wrestling with questions that need to be answered before you feel confident to move on. Relationship questions like, “How do you know if a relationship is toxic?” or “Can a toxic relationship be saved?” or “What are toxic traits in a relationship?” are all very common questions, because when you’re in a toxic relationship…. it can be hard to tell. What’s normal in a relationship? What’s a toxic relationship? What’s a deal breaker, for ME?

Having the time and space to reflect, reconnect with yourself, and get those questions answered are a vital part of the healing process. For many people, the strength and clarity they need to cut the cord for once and for all only comes after they’ve answered those questions.

How to Recover From a Toxic Relationship

As a therapist who has worked with countless people around toxic relationship addiction, I know that getting clarity is not just the most important first step of healing — it can be one of the biggest challenges in recovering from a toxic relationship. Especially if you’ve already been mistreated, had your boundaries crossed, and are questioning your own judgment – you really need an outside perspective to help you reconnect with your own inner wisdom about what’s okay, what’s not okay, and what you need to do. Even more importantly, you need support and guidance to help you do the hard and often painful of breaking free from a toxic relationship.

That is why connecting with other supportive people, whether it’s a good therapist or wise life coach, or supportive person who’s lived through this themselves, can be so crucial.

Leaving Toxic Relationships: New Podcast

In order to provide you with the empowering support and perspective that can support YOUR growth and recovery, I’ve invited writer Shannon Ashley to join me on the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast. Shannon writes (and so well!) about topics like relationships, self-esteem, emotional health and wellness, and more for Medium.com, and other outlets. She has also written extensively about HER lived experience in a toxic relationship, and about the journey of growth that helped her break free.

Shannon is not the type of “official” relationship expert that I often have on the show — she’s so much more. She’s a fellow traveler who has walked through the fire, and come out the other side. She has been able to give a voice to the experience that you’re going through, and she has a unique perspective on what it really takes to heal from a toxic relationship. I’m so pleased that she’s here to share her hard won wisdom with YOU today.

If you’re struggling to break free from a toxic relationship, I hope that you listen. (Or, if reading this makes you think not of yourself, but of someone you love who may be dealing with this, I hope you share this episode with them.)

Wishing you all the best,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

PS: If you’re in an “iffy” relationship and want to get clarity about whether it’s healthy or not, consider taking my free “How Healthy is Your Relationship” quiz. Here’s the link.

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Breaking Free From a Toxic Relationship

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

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Your Questions, Answered.

The latest episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast was absolutely devoted to YOUR questions. Your relationship questions, dating questions, dating questions, communication questions, therapy questions were all answered. If you’ve left a question in the comments section on the blog lately, or through Facebook or Instagram (or via one of our quizzes) you’ll want to turn in and hear the answers!

Specifically, we discussed: 

  • What if you’re having an argument with your partner and need to take a break to calm down, and they keep pursuing you?
  • How to handle it when you’re married and have a crush on someone else? What if you have a crush on an EMPLOYEE? 
  • Are you dating and hearing, “I like you but just as friends” a lot? We’re talking about what that might mean! 
  • What are some tips to handle a hard breakup or divorce when you coparent with your Ex and have to see your Ex?
  • What should you do if your family members are fighting with each other and you keep getting dragged into it?
  • Can you do couples therapy by video if you’re in a long-distance relationship? Why might that be a good idea?
  • How should you approach your partner if you think they would really benefit from individual therapy or couples counseling, but they won’t go?
  • And so. Much. More.

Listen now, using the podcast player below, or WATCH the discussion on YouTube below! (FYI, this podcast was recorded LIVE on Instagram — if you’d ever like to join, tune in (most) Mondays at 12pm Mountain. 

Your partner in growth, 

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

 

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Let's Talk About YOU: Your Questions, Answered.

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

Spread the Love Happiness & Success!

Please Rate, Review & Share the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

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Holidays + Heartbreak = Growth (Really)

It’s Not The Happiest Time Of Year If You’re Hurting…

Breakups and divorces are difficult any time of year, but most people find that the period between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day adds an extra layer of angst and anxiety to their breakup recovery process. Even if you’ve been making progress, encountering your first round of holidays alone can trigger a fresh round of grief, anger, and anxiety. Why?

1) You have painful old memories of (happy) holidays past.

2) You have to deal with potentially awkward social events, and difficult questions.

3) When everyone else is together, it highlights your loneliness.

On this edition of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I’m going to be giving you actionable advice to cope with all of it. You’ll learn how to take care of yourself, ways to manage your feelings, and most importantly — how to use this time to heal, grow, and move on to a brighter future.

Your partner in growth,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Ps. Don’t forget to sign up for the free advice and resources I mentioned in this episode. Signup box is below…

 

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Coping With Heartbreak Over The Holidays

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

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Please Rate, Review & Share the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

Let’s  Talk

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Can’t Stop Thinking About Your Ex? How to Let Go…

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Can’t Stop Thinking About Your Ex? How to Let Go…

Break Your Attachment To Your Ex

Have you ever found yourself saying (or thinking) “How do I stop caring about my Ex? Why am I still thinking about my Ex? I don’t care! But I do…” Like so many of our breakup counseling clients or divorce recovery clients, you’re wanting to fully heal your heart so that you can let go of the past, and move forward into a new future.

But —as we all know — letting go of a relationship is easier said than done. It’s close to impossible to turn off your feelings for someone else, even when you know, logically, that the relationship should be over.

Many people come to us for therapy or coaching after a breakup or divorce for this exact reason: They need support in figuring out how to move past the past, reclaim their power, and start feeling good again. The most maddening thing is often knowing the relationship is over…and yet they’re still thinking about their Ex. Still fantasizing about them, even. They sometimes think about getting back together with their Ex, or whether they should try to rekindle the relationship. Sometimes they try… and quickly remember all the very good reasons whey they broke up.

And yet, despite knowing that the relationship is wrong for them (or perhaps even toxic) they still think about their Ex. They still care about their Ex. They still feel jealous knowing that their Ex has moved on. They hurt… and they want it to stop.

But how? How can you break your attachment to someone? How do you turn off the feelings? How do you stop thinking about your Ex?

Why You’re Still Thinking About Your Ex

One of the first things we do with breakup and divorce recovery clients in therapy or coaching is helping them make sense of their feelings, so that they can learn and grow from them. Also, we need to normalize what is happening: Having lingering feelings for an Ex is very common, and there are many complex reasons for it.

Sometimes, people can’t get past a breakup because they have unfinished emotional business with the past. They have lingering feelings of guilt, anger, regret, or pain that are holding them in the past. They may never have gotten closure around their relationship having ended. They need to do the work of growing and healing before they can move on.

Sometimes, people are still thinking about their Ex for months, or even years after the relationship ended because of lingering insecurities or comparisons they’re making — even subconsciously. This is often true when your Ex has moved on before you have. The path to healing here is to focus on growing your own self-confidence, and feeling like you’re moving towards your goals.

Perhaps the most insidious kind of Ex-attachment is that related to your biology: When you don’t understand how you’re maintaining your attachment to your Ex on a neurological level, you can get stuck for years — even though you want desperately to move on. (For much more on this subject check out my book, “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to An Ex Love”)

Yes, it’s hard to stop thinking about your Ex, but it’s also necessary: Not being able to move on emotionally after a breakup or divorce can impact your life in major ways.

Dating While You’re Still Thinking About Your Ex

Continuing to have feelings for an Ex is not just frustrating, it can also limit your ability to move on and start a new, healthy relationship with someone else. When you’re dating while you still have feelings for your Ex, it can interfere with your ability to form a new attachment. Comparing your new love interests to your Ex can also lead to your breaking things off with someone who could be great for you. If you’re officially broken up but still sleeping with your Ex? No judgment (this is surprisingly common) but you’re going to be stuck for a long time, unless you make some changes.

Emotional Zombie: When Your Feelings For Your Ex Die… But Then Come Back

Another thing we often hear about are situations where you think you’re over your Ex, but then something happens: Your Ex moves on into a new relationship, or you have some new contact with them, and the feelings flare up all over again. Or perhaps you’re still connected with your Ex through social media or have shared friends. When you see or hear about your Ex starting a new chapter without you, it can bring all the pain, regret, anxieties, and even jealousy come roaring back. 

If these feelings are strong enough, they can get in the way of your enjoying your life in the present. It can be hard to focus or concentrate at work, you might worry about running into your Ex and their new partner, or you might even make life decisions based on your feelings about the breakup. None of this is good for you, or fair to you.

The path to recovery often involves working through complex feelings related to grief, longing, guilt, regret, anger, and even self-forgiveness. While you can’t “turn off” feelings about an Ex, you absolutely can use them to do important personal growth work that will move you forward.

How to Stop Thinking About Your Ex, For Good

If you’re still thinking about your Ex, and wishing you could let go and move on, today’s Episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast is for you.

On today’s episode, we’ll be discussing:

  • Why you can’t stop thinking about your Ex
  • Why understanding your biology can set you free
  • What to do when you’re obsessing about your Ex’s new relationship
  • Why anger and guilt can keep you trapped in the past
  • How to let go of insecurities and jealousy about your Ex’s new relationship
  • How to get closure after a relationship has ended
  • How to let go of a toxic relationship
  • How to (authentically and honestly) work through the feelings in a healthy way
  • How to use this experience as a launchpad for growth

Your partner in growth,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Ps: Some of the resources I mentioned on this podcast refer to other, past episodes, other articles on the blog, and also some listener questions about breakups I answered on IGTV. I’ve sprinkled links to them through this article. Do you have follow up questions? Get in touch through Instagram, or leave them for me in the comments below! LMB

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Can't Stop Thinking About Your Ex? How to Let Go and Move On...

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

Music Credits: Torrelli and the Fuse, “Forgive and Remember”

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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

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More Breakup Recovery Advice on The Blog + Podcast

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Why Friendships End

Why Friendships End

Why Friendships End

Friends Break Up, Too…

WHY FRIENDSHIPS END • Many people get involved with therapy or life coaching here at Growing Self in order to improve all their relationships — not just their romantic partnerships or marriages. Let’s face it: Friendships can present their own unique challenges.

Many people find themselves struggling in their friendships. Perhaps they’re dealing with the end of a valued friendship, aka a “friend breakup.” Maybe they’ve gotten entangled with a friend who is becoming increasingly toxic. Others are struggling with how to set boundaries with a friend. Still others are wanting to have more and healthier friendships in their lives. Friendships are complex, and just as important to most people as their romantic relationships, yet there’s very little good advice for how to deal with issues with your friends. 

All relationships have ups and downs. All long term relationships — romantic or friendships — require energy and work to thrive and evolve as we change and grow. However, because many people genuinely do not know how to resolve issues with a friend, they simply withdraw from the friendship. While breaking up with a friend can seem like the only way to resolve a conflict, often, it’s not.

Why Friendships End

People who have been “ghosted” or broken up with by a friend — oftentimes by someone they considered a very good friend — often feel heartbroken over it. They don’t know why their friendship ended. They have sleepless nights, and feel the loss intensely. There can be a gaping hole in your life where your good friend used to be that feels hard to fill. If you’ve lost a friend, the process of healing and recovery can be very much like that of healing after a bad breakup. This is often a situation that we address in our therapy and life coaching work.

Friendships end for many reasons. Friends break up. Just like the wonderful growth work that can arise after dealing with any other bad breakup, understanding why your particular friendship ended can also be a powerful growth opportunity. It gives you the opportunity to understand yourself better, learn more about how people work, and the chance to develop healthier friendships going forward. 

How to End a Friendship

On the other side of this, there are situations where people feel compelled to end their friendships for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they feel that they need to end a toxic relationship with a friend. Other times people feel that it’s just too hard to address the issues and work on things with their friend the same way they would with a romantic partner. Other times, it just feels like they and their friend have grown apart. They want to have more distance between them and their former close friend, but don’t know how to achieve it compassionately. 

Navigating The Ups and Downs of Friendships

On this episode of the Love, Happiness  and Success Podcast, we’re talking all about friendships. Specifically, we’ll be discussing:

  • Why friendships end
  • How the dynamics of friendships are similar to and different from romantic relationships
  • How to mend a friendship that has been feeling strained
  • What to do about toxic friendships
  • How to cope if you’ve been ghosted by a friend
  • The path of healing after an unexpected friendship loss
  • How to end a friendship compassionately
  • How to change a friendship if you need different boundaries with a friend

All that and more, on this episode.

xoxo, 

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, LMFT, LP, BCC

 

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Why Friendships End

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

Music Credits: Wimps, “Vampire”

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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

Let’s  Talk

More Love, Happiness and Success Advice on the Blog

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