Breaking up is never easy, Denver Therapist, Utah Couples Counselor, and Online Breakup Support Expert Kensington O. shares how to know when it's time to end things and if it is time, how to move on gracefully.
Anger is a Secondary Emotion
Anger is a Secondary Emotion
What's Your Anger Telling You?
Anger is one of the first emotions we learn as a child. It is easy to express, and therefore usually the first emotion we show when we are upset about something. The problem is that anger is a secondary emotion or an emotion that only shows what is happening on the surface.
I often use the “iceberg analogy” with my clients to talk about anger as a secondary emotion– When you think of an iceberg, you might immediately visualize a large piece of ice floating on the surface of the water, however, what we often forget is that there is a massive chunk of ice underneath the surface as well. Maybe you’ve heard of the expression, “that’s just the tip of the iceberg”? The same is true with anger!
Anger is what is happening on the surface, and if we keep exploring underneath, we might begin to see the larger picture of our emotional experience. Underneath we find our “primary emotions,” the ones that explain where our anger comes from (e.g. shame, fear, disappointment, hurt, and loneliness). If we are able to access these primary emotions, then we can communicate them to others. Doing so also helps us resolve those emotions quicker than simply responding with the secondary emotion, anger.
Where Your Anger Comes From
Anger is not bad. Yep, I said it! Anger is actually a very useful tool that we’ve picked up as humans to protect ourselves. You see, in moments of anger, our brain sees a threat and is trying to protect us from it. In fact, our brain is triggered into its “survival mode” where we find our fight, flight, freeze response, which in most cases is demonstrated with anger.
Long ago, our ancestors were faced with real-life threats, such as bears and snakes, and they needed their brain to kick into survival mode instantaneously in order to live. While we don’t necessarily have the same predators lurking around our neighborhood today, our brains still operate in the same way, only this time the threat might be your partner yelling, your child throwing a temper tantrum, or someone cutting you off on your way to work.
Your brain kicks into survival mode, your heart rate, and blood pressure increases, your pupils dilate, and you might get flushed or hot. The blood rushes from the front of your brain where logical problem solving occurs and settles in the back of your brain where your flight, fight, freeze response occurs. Your body is preparing for an attack and is using anger as a defense mechanism to protect you. While this was helpful for our ancestors, it's not as helpful for us (unless you're hiking and encounter a mountain lion!).
Vulnerability and It's Connection to Your Anger
Vulnerability makes us susceptible to pain, the opposite of what our brain wants when it feels threatened. Even the word vulnerability is defined as “capable of being physically or emotionally wounded” in the dictionary.
Since we know that our brain is usually operating in survival mode when we feel angry, it is very hard to convince our brain that being vulnerable with our emotions is a good idea! Our brain is looking right back at us saying, “Yeah, yeah, nice try chump.” But what if the threat our brain is perceiving isn’t really a threat at all? What if we’re expending so much “survival energy” just to push away people who actually care about us and want to help us survive?
It makes me think… maybe we should redefine vulnerability?
Maybe being vulnerable with our emotions can actually help us find a deeper connection with others. There are some cases when vulnerability is not a good idea, such as when emotional or physical abuse is happening. In those situations, your brain is doing its job very well. However, most of the time, what we are experiencing is not a threat to our existence. In fact, sometimes it’s the very opposite! It’s a moment when a loved one might want to connect with you in an intimate way. However, we often miss out on these moments when we react in anger.
Stop The Cycle of Not Allowing Yourself to be Vulnerable
Little by little, teach your brain that it is safe. This requires consistently taking a risk. Putting yourself out there, sharing your primary emotions, and trusting that the other person will respond in kind. I know, I know, this is scary stuff! Especially if you’ve lived your whole life avoiding vulnerability. But isn’t it worth it to experience an intimate connection with someone you know you can trust and love?
As hard as this may be, the good news is that our brains are incredibly flexible. We can shape it and teach it our whole lives if we try! The more you practice vulnerability the easier it becomes, because your brain is learning that there’s no actual threat to your survival.
Let's Talk. Schedule a Free Consultation Today.
3 Steps to Better Communication When Angry
Step 1: Help your brain! The blood needs to move back to the front of your noggin where logical thinking occurs. The best way to do this is by giving your brain more oxygen to move the blood back where it belongs. Try taking deep breaths, leave the room momentarily to take a break from the “threat,” or simply find a mantra that reminds your brain it is safe! I tell my brain, “You’re okay, just breathe.”
Step 2: Think about the iceberg. Ask yourself, what’s really going on underneath the surface here? Do feelings like shame, fear, or hurt explain what I’m experiencing better than anger? Try using an I feel statement to describe what you're feeling at that moment (I feel _____ ). But instead of filling in the blank with “angry”, reach for a word that tells the fuller story.
Step 3: Remind yourself that you survived! Your brain saw a threat, you helped it realize you are safe, and you practiced vulnerability by communicating how you’re really feeling underneath the surface. If you did it once, you can do it again. And the more we practice the easier it is for our brains to realize there’s no need to “survive” next time.
As a couple’s, family, and individual therapist, I’ve had the privilege of watching countless people take control of their brains and risk vulnerability which ultimately leads to a beautiful connection with their partner, friends, family, and many other people in their lives. Regulating anger can be a difficult and scary task, but it is possible. So in the words of the great Gloria Gaynor, tell your brain, “I Will Survive!”
Warmly,
Georgi Chizk
Georgi Chizk, M.S., LAMFT is a warm, compassionate marriage counselor, individual therapist and family therapist who creates a safe and supportive space for you to find meaning in your struggles, realize your self-worth, and cultivate healthy connections with the most important people in your life.
Real Help, To Move You Forward
Everyone experiences challenges, but only some people recognize these moments as opportunities for growth and positive change.
Working with an expert therapist or life coach can help you understand yourself more deeply, get a fresh perspective, grow as a person, and become empowered to create positive change in yourself, your relationships and your life.
Start your journey of growth today by scheduling a free consultation.
Related Post
Long-Distance Relationship Breakup
Boundaries in Relationships
Happy, healthy relationships are built on healthy boundaries. If you struggle to establish boundaries, understand your boundaries, or even define your boundaries to others, this episode is for you!
I am talking with Denver Therapist, and Boundary Expert, Kathleen Stutts and we are going to cover the basics of boundaries and then dive into the nitty-gritty of establishing your boundaries in relationships so that you too can feel empowered in your most important relationships!
Meditation for Anger
If your relationship with anger could use some improvement, Maryland Therapist and Online Life Coach, Natalie Krenz, M.A., LCMFT has one incredible skill that you can start practicing today!
How to Relax (When You're a Type-A Stress-Case)
Hard-working, conscientious, high-achievers are often extremely successful in all areas of life… but they have a hard time relaxing. True for you too, you superstar? Learn how to relax, renew, and restore from the inside out, on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.
How to Avoid Ghosting in a Relationship
Colorado Therapist and Online Dating Coach, Megan Brice, M.S., LPCC is discussing “Ghosting” why it happens and how to avoid it in your relationship.
Love is Respect
Ft. Collins, Colorado Therapist and Marriage Counselor, Hunter Tolman, M.S., MFTC is discussing the fundamental support for every relationship – respect. A healthy relationship requires respect in order to thrive. Learn more about how you can begin implementing greater respect into your relationship here!
Build Confidence and Charisma
Did the pandemic make your social skills a little rusty? In this podcast: Stand-up comedian, comedy writer and “conversation coach” Kristen Carney is here with a refresher on how to build confidence and charisma, and be interesting and fun to talk to. Join us!
How to Not Lose Yourself in a Relationship
Tennessee Therapist and Online Marriage Counselor, Parsa Shariati, MMFT shares how to have healthy communication around self-identities and codependency with your partner for a more fulfilling relationship.
Trust Yourself
It can be hard to trust yourself, particularly if you're struggling to tell the difference between your intuition and anxiety. Your confidence will grow when you learn the difference between worry and inner wisdom. Learn how, on this episode of the podcast.