Intentional Living — How To Not Panic In the PANIC

Intentional Living — How To Not Panic In the PANIC

Intentional Living — How To Not Panic In the PANIC

Living Intentional 

As an online therapist and life coach, and strong proponent of intentional living, I am keenly aware that we all are being greatly impacted by COVID-19 and feeling the collective stress all around us. This may be a good time to take heed of our own behavior and how we choose to engage this unsettling reality unfolding daily, without spiraling into a panic. 

The Antidote To A Panicked Mind Is An Intentional Mind

1. Be intentional with what you allow in.

 As a therapist, I like to encourage my clients to stay informed yes, but try limiting the amount of time that you spend on social media sites. The antidote to a panicked mind is an intentional mind.

Before checking the latest coronavirus pandemic updates, doing this one thing can make all the difference in keeping your stress at healthy, manageable levels. Set the intention to answer the “why” before you start spending an inordinate amount of time scrolling through your newsfeed.

I have clients, for example, who tell me that they find themselves frantically reading articles streaming across their computer screen, hoping to assuage their fears. Mindlessly reading distressing information can produce even more anxiety.

When we let our minds fall into a fear trap, without us even realizing it, we are giving our power away. We are relinquishing control over our choices, which can leave us feeling even more helpless. We do have control over our minds and how we take care of our mental diets. 

2. Set An Intention That Helps You To Be Clear About Your Choices

Set an intention that helps you to be clear about your choices, such as why you are choosing to read “this” article, so that you aren’t unconsciously engaging with a worry-mind from the outset. (Here are more tips for managing coronavirus anxiety.) Otherwise, you may be making yourself vulnerable to “downloading” insurmountable amounts of stressful information with no protective self-care parameters in place. 

By setting an intention, this can help you make deliberate choices that serve your overall wellbeing. Your intention may be: I am taking the necessary precautions to keep myself, loved ones, and others safe. 

Then determine a healthy time-limit for watching or reading news, maybe it’s no more than 30-minutes (your vagus nerve will thank you; more on this in a minute.) And be intentional about deciding what information is helpful and what information is not helpful, so that you are not causing unnecessary stress, as this has been shown to weaken the immune system, which is not what you want.  

3. Emotionally Regulate Yourself

Now let’s talk about the vagus nerve as I mentioned above. This nerve plays such a huge role in our stress response, as it is connected to the parasympathetic system, the part of the nervous system working synergistically to allow for optimal and harmonious functioning – essentially the queen “regulator” influencing your stress response. Which is to say that it is important to take care of your vagus nerve so that it takes care of you! One way you can do this is to start your day with an intentional, mindfulness breathing meditation. 

Deep breathing helps us to calm and regulate our “emotional control center,” so to speak. And the more we emotionally regulate ourselves, the more we can respond to stress – something a panicked heart simply can’t do. 

4. Check-and-Balance Yourself Often

So intention setting is like having a “superpowered” way to check-and-balance yourself often. You can ask yourself:  Am I acting from a place of fear? You can start doing this with every activity, like eating. If you think: I have to eat more whole foods or I’m going to get sick! This can actually work against your well-meaning intention and bring on added stress.

Practice setting pure intentions and affirming when you eat healthy foods, for instance, I am nourishing and replenishing my body and supporting my body’s innate desire to take care of me. (Check out: Developing a Healthy Relationship With Food)

5. Get Into The Habit Of “Intentionalizing” Your Day To Keep Panic At Bay

Now is a really good time to focus inwardly, establish self-reflecting routines, act more consciously, accept the as-is showing up in your life right now, so that you can navigate the isness of your present situation while allowing a new context to emerge. 

As you practice calm and acceptance, you are inviting the wherewithal to adapt into your life. It may mean establishing new routines, discovering new ways to stay connected and relevant. 

This is all made possible when we start by quarantining ourselves for any “emotional viruses” that are keeping us from being the superpowered, creative shapeshifters that we are – and that is so essential to cultivate into our lives right now.  

I hope that you read this and start “intentionalizing” your day. 

Warmly, 

Amy-Noelle Shih, M.A., LPC

PS. Connect with me and join the conversation on Instagram @growing_self! Also, my colleague Dr. Lisa created a short video demo-ing a great breathing technique to help lower stress available for you on Instagram too.

Amy-Noelle Shih, M.A., LPC is a powerful, dynamic, couples counselor, individual therapist and life coach with a direct, authentic approach to personal growth. Her style is as affirming and positive as it is effective, and all about helping you create alignment and joy in yourself and in your relationships.

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Intentional Living — How To Not Panic In the PANIC

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Are you feeling the collective stress from the Coronavirus? Doing this one thing can make all the difference in managing your stress levels and keeping panic at bay. Houston Therapist and Online Life Coach, Amy-Noelle Shih, M.A., LPC shares her number one antidote to a stressed mind. Read it here…

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Tips to Survive Quarantine with Kids

Tips to Survive Quarantine with Kids

Tips to Survive Quarantine with Kids

Survival Tips for Stay At Home

As COVID-19 has swept through the United States it has brought fear, uncertainty, and anxiety as well as unprecedented self-quarantine. The schools have closed for what feels like an unknown amount of time and while we all try to grasp the magnitude of this situation many parents are also left wondering how to survive this quarantine with kids. 

As a marriage therapist and parenting coach, a lot of my clients have been reaching out with questions and concerns surrounding this whole COVID-19 quarantine. I want to share my favorite helpful tips to survive quarantine with kids (especially school age!). 

Wake Up Before the Kids

Although sacrificing sleep is always a challenge and very much a sacrifice, it will feel worth it. Waking up before the kids 20-30 minutes allows you to take care of yourself first, have a moment of peace, and do something to set yourself up for success for the rest of the day (whether you are organizing your work from home space, prepping your mind with positive thoughts for the day, or searching for cardboard boxes to built the best forts with your kiddos).

Practice Mindfulness

Use mindfulness as a way to bring yourself back into the present moment when you’re starting to feel your blood boil or you’re having a moment of intense panic. Tune into what you can see, hear, smell, taste and feel. Or walk yourself through a deep breathing exercise (breathe in 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, out for 4 counts, repeat 4 times). 

Set Up a Schedule for Both Yourself and the Kids

Creating a sense of routine and structure often is helpful for everyone involved. Setting up a schedule for both yourself and the kids will help you to monitor your family activities. Kids do best when they know what to expect, so laying out the plan for the day will keep things flowing a little more smoothly and hopefully stop everyone from asking for snacks every 5 minutes.

Enforce Quiet Time

Being home all day long together can feel overly stimulating. Building an hour of quiet time into the day can give everyone a break and a moment to recharge. During this time kids are expected to be in their rooms napping or engaged in a quiet independent activity. I tell my parenting coaching clients that this is an excellent time to practice self-awareness, meditation, and resetting before continuing through the rest of the day (and a little social distancing from the newness of being around eah other 24/7 for an hour never hurts…).

Use Dinner Time to Practice Gratitude as a Family

Cultivating gratitude is consistently shown to positively impact overall happiness so, using dinner time to practice gratitude as a family is an excellent time for cultivating gratitude with your children. Go around the table and say one thing you feel grateful for during dinner. Doing this regularly helps everyone start to tune in to what they feel grateful for throughout the day, it also reminds us that even on our hardest days there is something to be thankful for.

Have a Clean Up Dance Party at the End of the Day

Ending the day with a clean(ish) house may help everyone feel a bit more settled, so take 10 minutes before bedtime to blast the tunes and straighten up the days’ mess. The music makes it feel fun and special and may even end up in an all out dance party which is great for boosting mood and getting some extra exercise. Having a clean home at the end of the day will help set you up for success the following morning.  

Above All Else, Practice Self-Compassion and Patience!

It is A LOT to be managing work, kids, your relationship, pets, anxiety etc. Sometimes you will feel like all you’re doing is surviving and that is absolutely ok. 

This is temporary, every day is a new day and a new opportunity to try again. Sometimes you’ll be able to keep the days routine and other days you might need your kids to have a little extra screen time. Be kind to yourself and know that good enough is truly enough.

We can do hard things and we will get through this. Remember to stay connected to your friends and family and if you need some extra support, online therapy and coaching are good options to increase general self care.

Stay strong, you’ve got this.
Jessica Small, M.A., LMFT

 

P.S. If you are looking for an online support group, Growing Self is now accepting new members to our Coronavirus Support Group. Read More Here → Coping with Anxiety, Stress, and Lonliness in the Era of Coronavirus

 

Jessica Small, M.A., LMFT is a Denver-based couples counselor, premarital counselor, therapist, and life coach who is passionate about helping individuals, families & couples create more fulfilling lives and relationships, and to function at an optimum level of health and happiness.

Jessica meets with clients both in-person at our Denver office and by online video.

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Do you feel like it’s hard to manage the stress of it all? If you’re like so many of our high-achieving type-A life coaching and therapy clients here at Growing Self, you probably have days when you’re feeling spread thin. Let’s face it: Staying on top of everything is a lot! Between managing a high-impact career, running a household, staying on top of laundry, groceries, personal projects, having a high quality relationship with your partner, and perhaps a kid or three PLUS finding time to self care, take occasional showers, and maintain your friendships… whew! We’re all going in a thousand different directions, and it can feel extremely stressful. The idea that you stay stress free sounds like an unattainable dream.

This is especially true when you feel, like so many people do, that you’re struggling to stay on top of it all. When we become overly busy, things start to slip! When you’re rushed, it’s hard to stay organized. When you’re going a zillion miles an hour, you start to forget things, lose things, and feel less and less organized. That leads to feeling even more stressed and out of control, and then it’s even harder to keep up. It’s a downward spiral of stress, mess, and panic. Not a sustainable way to live!

How To Stay Stress Free (Really!)

So… how do you get off the hamster wheel of modern life and stay stress free? How do you begin to get yourself organized and back in control? Most importantly, how do you create a sustainable system that allows you to not just do the things that you need to do but manage your life in such a way that you don’t constantly feel like a frantic stress-ball?

My guest on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast, Marilyn Paul, PhD, is here to show us how. Dr. Paul has been on the faculty of Yale Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital School, and is the author of “It’s Hard to Make a Difference When You Can’t Find Your Shoes” as well as “An Oasis of Time: How a Day of Rest Can Save Your Life.” Dr. Paul is an expert in time management and personal organization by professional training… but she’s also a fellow traveler with powerful stories about the life lessons she’s learned as someone who has also struggled to keep up with it all.

If you have days when you feel like you’re drowning, I hope you listen to this conversation. (And yes, totally okay if you’re listening to this while you’re multi-tasking ten other things at the same time: I get it!) But you’ll be glad if you can fit this in to your day: Dr. Paul shares so many insights and tips, and compassionate, empowering ideas that you can use ASAP to cultivate calm and order in your life, so that you can feel genuinely stress free from the inside out.

Your partner in growth,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

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How to Stay Stress Free

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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

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Ask any career coach: The quest of career development is already challenging. Getting clear about who you are and what you want professionally (and then how to actually attain your ideal job) is a journey of growth for many people. But, if you’re wisely thinking about your career future and what the reality of the job market will be ten years from now, it adds a layer of complexity and worry to an already uncertain time.

It can feel paralyzing to choose a career and invest in your professional development when you’re riddled with worry about your career future, and whether your chosen profession will still be relevant when our economy is changing so quickly.

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Good news: You don’t need to be anxious about your career future. In fact, by understanding a few principles for staying energized, fresh, and in-step with the emerging economy, you can be assured that the world will always value what you have to offer. Furthermore, there are some specific mindsets that can help you release anxiety about your career future, so that you can feel confident, clear, and move forward fearlessly.

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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

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As a Denver Therapist and Life Coach, I find that many of my clients start the new year with great intentions, big goals, and hopeful hearts for change. However, so often these same clients find that they have made a long list of life changing and bad habit breaking goals only to find that they are one or two months into their year and still haven’t made any changes. 

This can be such a discouraging feeling, and if you feel this way you’re not alone. I want to share with you the same benefits of goal setting and steps to achieve goals this year that I teach my life coaching clients.

Why Is Goal Setting Important?

Were you inspired to make new goals at the beginning of January? 
Did you see your social media flood with 2019 reviews proudly stating new goals for 2020? 
Did you read news articles explaining the newest trends for goal setting and goal keeping? 
Have you found yourself already letting go of these new habits or ambitions? 

The truth is, setting the goal is the easy part (as you know), but did you know that your goal setting activities might be failing you (and not the other way around)?

Here’s the thing, most new year resolutions are either forgotten or given up on within the first two weeks of setting them. And less than 10 percent of all new year resolution setters achieve their goals by December 31st of that same year.

While you may feel you’re not the only one struggling to be a goal achiever, you may be wondering how there are so many successful people with these odds!

This news may be really discouraging to hear! But the greatest danger I see with setting goals and falling into this common trend of giving up on them within a couple of weeks – is that instead of forming habits to succeed, we are forming habits to fail. 

Think about it. You are learning a pattern of  getting super excited and motivated only to let that motivation slip into inaction just a couple of weeks later.

We have been literally learning to give up on goals. So, instead of setting new goals—since that doesn’t seem to work—why don’t we approach this dilemma with the mindset of setting goals in a new way? 

I want to share with you my favorite approaches to setting defined goals and achieving success. I will also be highlighting the pitfalls I see most often among my life coaching clients’ good intentions but often failed attempts at seeing these intentions through.  

How To Set Goals Efficiently

How do you set your goals? Do you simply make a list of desired habits you hope to achieve by the end of the year or within a certain time frame? You may be motivated to see these goals through, however, if you are in a rut of not achieving your goals, it seems that motivation is not enough. 

Setting goals efficiently requires some goal setting tools. You may be familiar with SMART goals but I want to dive into this style of goal setting and discuss how you can implement this strategy into your daily goals in a realistic and practical way.

SMART goals (for those who may be new to the term) stand for Specific, Measured, Accountable, Realistic, and Timely goals. 

It’s likely that you are already doing many of these aspects of goal setting. In my experience with clients who are wanting to make lasting change, making specific and measured goals is a great place to begin. 

Example: If you want to exercise more, the Specific goal would be the type of exercise, and the Measured goal would be the details around when and how often you desire to accomplish it. 

A Measured goal would be saying I want to exercise 3 times a week. You can get as detailed as necessary, maybe including the time of day, and for how long you wish to exercise. 

More often though, I see my clients missing the last three pieces of SMART goal setting: Accountable, Realistic, and Timely. 

Make Your Goals Accountable

Being accountable and responsible for a goal will help partner with your motivation to accomplish it. 

Here are realistic ways to make your goals accountable:

  1. Share your goal with someone who cares about you (your spouse, a friend, a colleague, your therapist or coach) and is willing to help follow up with on your goals.
  2. Set reminders in your phone, on your agenda, or even ask Siri or Alexa to remind you to check in and keep pursuing necessary steps to achieve your goals.
  3. Join a common interest group that is pursuing the same or similar goals. You can find these groups in your local community, through Facebook, Instagram, and even instructor led classes and podcasts that offer accountability.

Following up with someone who cares about you can be a great way to maintain your new goals longer. When we feel supported, it is easier to be successful with our goals. 

Make Your Steps For Success Realistic

Making unrealistic goals is one of the most cited reasons among my life coaching clients of why they don’t achieve them. It is exciting to set new goals, but sometimes you need to take smaller steps to the big goals in order to actually achieve them. 

Ask Yourself The Right Questions

Ask yourself the following scaling question during goal setting to make more realistic goals: 

“When it is December 31st and I look back on this goal, how often do I honestly think I will achieve it on a scale from 0-100% of the time?” 

If your honest answer is 90% of the time, that sounds like a good goal that will challenge you! If your honest answer is 60% of the time, that sounds like a good time to revise your goal slightly so you can have a higher estimated success rate! 

I want to caution you that this isn’t a time to feel bad about yourself if you think you won’t accomplish it, but rather, a time to be excited that you are making goals in a NEW way that might help you succeed where you haven’t in the past. 

Revise that goal and ask the question again until you feel like you can honestly accomplish it. 

An example might look like moving your measured goal from 3 times of exercise a week down to 2 times per week. 

Eliminate Controllable, Foreseeable Obstacles

Ask yourself, “What obstacles might get in the way of me achieving this goal?” 

With exercise, it may be that you need an exercise partner. Another obstacle might be that you don’t enjoy specific types of exercise, so you end up not doing it consistently. 

If those are true for you, making realistic goals might include adding addendums like finding a gym partner, or taking the time to decide what kind of exercise you like. Take the time to make sure there are no controllable, foreseeable obstacles in the way of your goals as you try to make them realistic for you! 

Avoid The Common “Shooting For The Stars” Success Obstacle

I have a few clients who have told me at this point that they would rather keep their goals higher, even with the chance of not achieving them, so that they also have the chance of making higher goals instead of smaller ones even if they are more realistic. 

I call this the “shooting-for-the-stars” obstacle. If that is you, I will explain later how you can still have the chance to shoot for higher goals in this goal-making process, and I want to advise on why it is so important to make realistic goals. 

In my experience, making realistic goals helps you avoid discouragement, feelings of failure, and feelings of worthlessness. I’m not saying we should avoid acknowledging those feelings if they are there. I am saying that it can be helpful to avoid getting yourself to a place of feeling that way. 

I have seen so many amazing individuals become so discouraged at the idea that they failed a goal, that the guilt and shame of that failure motivates them to simply give up. If we make goals that are smaller to accomplish, then we can leave room for feelings of accomplishment, pride, and satisfaction that will continue to motivate you to accomplish your goal. 

So, once you have created a realistic goal, it is time to look at that “Timely” aspect of goal making. 

Make Your Goals Timely

Making your goals timely means scheduling a time to evaluate how you are doing on your goal. I recommend making this a weekly or monthly event. For you, this may mean evaluating all of your goals on the first Sunday of the month, as an example. 

When you evaluate your goals, see how successful you have been. If for you it was that exercise goal, ask yourself how often you kept your goal of 2-3 times a week. If the answer is close to 100 percent, way to go! 

You can recommit to continuing that goal the same way until your next evaluation, or try and increase it. This is where there is room for those who want to make sure they can achieve those “shooting for the stars” goals, while still being realistic. 

If your answer is less than satisfactory, it may be time to modify your goals to reflect a more realistic challenge for your current situation. 

Keep A Positive And Compassionate Attitude By Re-Framing

If you find yourself still getting into cycles of discouragement that make you want to give up, let’s try to reframe your negative thoughts to avoid that guilt and shame that is so detrimental! 

If you are thinking “I am a failure,” or “I will never accomplish my goals” try thinking instead: 

  • I can try again tomorrow
  • I just need to adjust them slightly
  • I just need more support
  • I can accomplish my goals in the long run, I might need to make them smaller right now
  • I am trying my best
  • I need to be patient with myself
  • Its okay if I don’t accomplish them sometimes, that doesn’t mean I am a failure
  • I am learning how to succeed
  • What obstacles are getting in the way of my goals? How can I modify? 
  • I tried my best
  • I just may need to revise my goals a little bit
  • The goal is progression and I can keep moving forward
  • I didn’t fail, I tried hard and I am getting there

In review, I’ve talked about focusing on 3 parts of SMART goal setting, these include making goals accountable, realistic, and timely.  Make sure the goals are small enough to be realistic, that you have an accountability partner, and that you make times in the future to follow up with yourself or that accountability partner on where you are at with your goals and where you want to be. 

In my experience, these steps can bridge the gap to help you succeed longer, and help you move from not accomplishing goals to a PATTERN OF ACCOMPLISHING GOALS. 

Most of all, I hope that you take the guilt out of it. Guilt and shame have a way of making goals unmet feel like bigger failures than they really are. So, remember the last goal setting tool I want to encourage you in is to stay positive by reframing! If you think, “I failed” at my goal, try reframing your thoughts to one of those ways described above. 

My hope for you is to give you both motivation to keep trying and pursuing the new things you set your mind to at the start of this whole process, and the tools to try them in a new way. 

Good luck! You got this! 
Tacy LeBaron, M.S., MFTC

Tacy LeBaron, M.S., MFTC  is a couples counselor, family therapist, individual therapist and life coach who specializes in helping you improve your relationships, feel more connected, heal and grow through challenging life transitions, and attain your most important goals for your life.

Let’s  Talk

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Is your head spinning after a terrible fight? Here’s how to get your relationship back on track…

We’ve all been there. The sanest, most intelligent, reasonable, successful people — brilliant CEOs, steady-handed surgeons, unflappable news anchors, and uber-rational captains of industry can all become unhinged in the heat of the moment. Before I became a marriage counselor, the adventure husband and I spent a good deal of the 90’s trying to knock the corners off each other too. So I understand what this feels like.

I also know (now) that intense fights are not necessary. Fighting is not a productive or effective way to solve the issues in your relationship. However, what is much more important than whether or not fights happen is how they end. When you can come back together afterwards to solve problems together, your relationship is strengthened as a result. Here’s how to reconnect…

The Anatomy of a Fight

To mend a fight, you first need to understand what made it so awful in the first place. It doesn’t even matter what started it — the reasons can range from someone taking a sharp tone with the kids, to coming home with the wrong brand of salsa, to staying out all night. But it always starts with someone feeling anger, hurt or fear, and then attempting to communicate about it. And it goes badly.

You try to say how you feel — reasonably, and with good intentions — but somehow it quickly disintegrates. You get triggered. They get triggered. And suddenly awful things start happening. You may find yourself defensively attempting to protect yourself from the insults and accusations hurling through the air. You may find yourself screeching like a crazy person at your partner’s wooden face. [Read: How to Communicate With a Withdrawn Partner]. You may find yourself doing or saying things that you would never do, otherwise. It is shocking what can happen during a bad argument.

There is a “point of no return” for everyone. We can keep our cool and behave rationally even when we are upset, until our rage-o-meter gets up to about a five or six on a ten scale. But once we push the needle past a 7 or so, we enter the “red zone” of anger.

We actually know, from research, that when people get into this elevated fight-or-flight state they literally cease to think coherently, and the part of their brain that encodes ideas into language stops functioning well. We enter a primal state where our feelings are expressed through our actions — dishes are thrown, doors are slammed, or we screech off dramatically in cars to convey what our words no longer can. We disintegrate into inarticulate screaming, or lash out with insults intended to wound. [Read: Why Your Partner is Angry]. It can get intense, and scary.

And in the aftermath, you are shaky, your heart feels broken, and your mind is understandably flooded with questions. Namely, “What the hell just happened?”

You replay events to understand where the wheels came off the bus. If you’re like most people, you walk back through the timeline to reassure yourself that your intentions were good and that you did your best. As your rational mind slowly comes back online you might be left feeling shocked and raw by the things you just experienced with your partner. Maybe you are embarrassed and ashamed by the things you said and did in the heat of the moment.

You’re probably also feeling worried about what this means about your relationship, how to come back from this, and most importantly, how to make sure this never happens again.

Four Tips To Get Back on Track After a Terrible Fight

1) Give it some time. Know how grandmothers and pop-psych gurus like to talk about “never going to bed angry?” That is complete and total crap. People vary in the amount of time it takes to calm down after a terrible fight. You might be ready to talk rationally fifteen minutes later. Your partner might need a few days to calm down. Do NOT try to make them talk to you if they aren’t there yet. Leave them alone, and they’ll show back up when they are ready to talk about what happened. Forcing the issue will only lead to round two of the horribleness.

2) Never underestimate the power of a good repair attempt. Reach out and apologize. Do the dishes. Make a joke (at your own expense, if you want to live). Come back with a peace offering, or at least a wry smile and a hug. Show your partner that you are sorry about what happened and that you still love them. It may still be too fragile to talk about it, but at least you are showing them that you are available to make it better when they are.

3) Own your stuff. It is very easy to fixate on your partner’s problems, and how they were responsible for the fight. We all think about how, “If they’d only done something differently / been more responsible / followed through / used a different tone none of this would have happened.” I get it, and I agree that your partner probably does have some things to work on. And you and I also know that you are not perfect, and could have done some things differently too. If you want to mend your relationship and have the opportunity to work on things together, it would be much more effective for you to take ownership for your stuff. At the very least, your setting a good example will help your partner take ownership for their parts of the conflict too.

4) Solve the problem. No relationship problems are ever actually solved during a fight. When people are shouting, no one is listening. But after the dust settles and everyone is calm again — that is the time to address the underlying problems that caused the fight in the first place. Remember, it’s never about the salsa. Look deeper, and see if you can identify the bigger issues underneath, like trust, security, love, partnership, values, or connection. When you work on that level, the real issues are addressed and your connection is healed.

And remember, if it keeps exploding in your face (or going nowhere) every time you try to talk about it, that is a good sign that you could benefit from marriage counseling. A great marriage counselor can help you talk about tender things productively, and help you and / or your partner take ownership for (or even see) how they are contributing to the issues. They can teach you both the skills you need to head off yucky arguments and simply solve problems together without all the drama. But most importantly, they can help you strengthen your secure attachment and deepen your connection — which makes hurt, fear, and anger much more likely to bubble up in the first place.

We’re always here to talk if you ever need us. Just schedule your free consultation session, in person or online. 

All the best to you both,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

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