What’s Your Problem?

What’s Your Problem?

Are You Doing More For Others Than You Should Be?

What is your problem? And what is someone else's responsibility? Learn how to set healthy boundaries with clarity and confidence.

What's Your Problem?

The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Music Credits: “O.P.P.” by Wimps

What’s Your Problem?

As a therapist and life coach, I often work with clients who are doing personal growth work because they’re struggling with feeling blamed (and even guilty!) for other people’s problems and issues because they are trying to figure out how to set healthy boundaries. Particularly hardworking, competent and conscientious people can have a hard time figuring out the line between taking appropriate personal responsibility (which is a good thing) verse being made to feel responsible for things that are actually someone else’s personal responsibility. Can you relate?

Unrealistic Expectations… of Yourself

People having unrealistic expectations of you can happen in toxic workplace environments, relationships with selfish people, when you’re enabling someone else’s problematic behaviors, in relationships where there’s gaslighting, or if you’re married to a narcissist. Those situations where people have obviously inappropriate expectations of you are more obvious to spot.

But accepting responsibility for things that are really someone else’s problem can happen much more subtly, and even subconsciously. Many people have unrealistic expectations of themselves in relationships, and feel that they should be taking on more responsibility than is actually healthy for them. 

In particular, it’s much more challenging to see that you’re taking an inappropriate level of responsibility when you have a “helping” personality. Helping others is something that you just naturally start doing and is a role that probably feels very familiar to you. This could be due to your role in your family of origin, or also just by virtue of the fact that you’re probably kind, compassionate, and competent. You see someone who needs help, you can do something to help them, so you step in.

But should you?

Here’s The Problem With Everything Being Your Problem

While being generous and helpful is not an objectively bad thing, here’s the problem with it: if you’ve been subconsciously taking responsibility or working harder than you should to solve problems for other people, or managing other people’s feelings, or doing things for others that they should really be doing for themselves, over time, it starts to create problems for you too. 

You’ll start experiencing burnout and exhaustion, feeling resentful, or start having trouble letting go of anger. You feel like you’re not getting your needs met in relationships. It’s hard to say no. You might even find yourself sliding into codependent relationship dynamics over and over again. Furthermore, it can be very difficult to change the dynamic if you’ve trained other people to expect that you’ll sacrifice yourself on their behalf.

For example, if you start setting appropriate boundaries with people you’ve been “over-serving,” they might get mad at you and tell you that you’re being mean. Or, if you allow other people to experience natural consequences for their own behavior, you might feel anxious and guilty. Emotionally, it can start to feel easier to just keep doing more than you should!

Personal Responsibility

To complicate matters further, you do have to keep your side of the street clean. Healthy adults do have responsibilities, and there are things that you do actually need to do in order to be a healthy, happy person and have positive relationships with others. It is appropriate for other people to have some expectations of you, too!

For example, it is your responsibility to be emotionally healthy, to be emotionally safe, to be self aware, to communicate productively, to work on your own emotional intelligence, and to invest in your own personal growth. It is your responsibility to learn and grow, and to be happy and healthy. It is your responsibility to follow through, to be trustworthy, to be honest with yourself, and to be honest with others.

Someone Else’s Personal Responsibility

But where do you draw the line between your responsibilities and someone else's? How do you figure out if you’re in a situation where you need to be doubling down on your emotional intelligence skills… or whether it's okay to simply say no and let someone else have their tantrum? How can you tell if you actually do need to show your partner love in a different way, or whether they have unrealistic expectations in your relationship or even trust issues? (Which would then be their problem to work on — not yours.)

It can be very, very challenging to get clarity about the line between where your sphere of responsibility stops, and where someone else’s starts. That’s the topic we’re tackling on today’s episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I’m calling, “What is Your Problem?” 

In it, we’ll be discussing how to:

  • Differentiate what is your problem from other people’s problems. 
  • Be aware of when you need to reevaluate a responsibility issue in your life.
  • Learn how to set boundaries and have healthy relationships with others.
  • Find out what your personal responsibilities are.
  • Discover the importance of allowing others to have space to grow on their own. 

You can listen to “What is Your Problem” on Spotify or on Apple Podcasts, as well as on the player of this page. (Don’t forget to subscribe!) If this podcast is helpful to you, I hope you consider sharing it with someone else you care about so they can benefit from these ideas too. 

I have show notes for you below, as well as a full transcript of this podcast at the bottom of this post. If you have any follow up questions I hope you leave them for me in the comments. I’ll answer them!

With love and respect, 

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

What's Your Problem?

The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Music Credits: “O.P.P.” by Wimps

Spread the Love Happiness & Success

Please Rate, Review & Share the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

iTunes

Stitcher

Spotify


What is Your Problem: Episode Highlights

Personal Responsibility vs Inappropriate Expectations

Being blamed for something outside your scope of responsibility is commonplace. You may have experienced the following with a colleague or family member: 

  • Being mad when you don’t do their job
  • Get angry when you react negatively to something they did
  • Try to make you feel bad for the consequences of their actions

When you buy into the idea that you are unworthy because you can't take care of other people's problems, you can start feeling inappropriately guilty, and may even start showing signs of low self-esteem

Setting Boundaries

Without healthy boundaries in a relationship, other people will have the space to pass their responsibilities onto you. 

“While we can be inappropriately blamed by others, it is also true that we do need to show up in the healthiest way possible.”

Thus, turn your attention to the unhealthy dynamics that allow those situations. You may need to learn how to set boundaries with your parents, friends, or co-workers.

Boundary Setting Exercise:

To help you get clarity about your boundaries, try this simple exercise:

  1. Grab a pen and piece of paper
  2. Draw two circles, one inside of the other.
  3. In the inner circle, write what you need to do to feel confident that you are doing your very best in various situations in your life. What are your responsibilities? Write them down.
  4. In the outer circle, jot down what is in the realm of others’ responsibilities that they are trying to hand to you.

You can practice this exercise in your various relationships, whether involving your work or personal life.

Unrealistic Expectations

We often tend to take over people's responsibilities because others feel that we can do them. This dilemma is especially prevalent amongst strong, intelligent, competent, compassionate, and naturally caring individuals. 

As you bear more of the burden, you’ll eventually become more resentful of others. If you feel this way, remember that your anger and resentment are valid: “When people are not treating you appropriately, it's totally normal and expected that you will be feeling angry towards them.” 

Moreover, you’d start to feel defeated, since you are unable to do all the work. When in reality, you actually can’t meet all these inappropriate expectations. You trick yourself into thinking that you're not good enough.

Take these emotions as a sign that there is a responsibility issue at the core of your life. You can also see it as a growth opportunity.

Your Personal Responsibility

It might be hard to hear, but you also have to think about how you may have contributed to this unhealthy dynamic. 

In addition, it’s much more exhausting to fight with other people about the things they need to change. After all, “When we blame other people, for the things that we are experiencing, we're giving our power away.”

Here are some of the things you need to be taking responsibility for:

1. Having Emotional Awareness

Our feelings tell us about our needs and values. We have to be self-aware of our emotions so that we can make informed decisions. 

People who have disconnected from their feelings have a lot of trouble setting boundaries. We need emotional intelligence if we want to improve our relationships.

2. Practicing Emotionally Safe Communication

You need to communicate how you feel about what you need and prefer in an emotionally safe and effective way. It is your responsibility to talk about what you're thinking and feeling in a kind and respectful manner. 

You also have to manage your reactions; avoid screaming or slamming doors! It helps to learn how to be vulnerable safely.

3. Prioritizing Your Health and Wellness

Our personal health is our responsibility. Getting enough sleep, nourishment, and movement are basic needs.

If we don’t actively pay attention to our health and wellness, we cannot be our best selves or even be functional. 

4. Being Knowledgeable and Clear About Boundaries

First, you have to know what your boundaries and limitations are before communicating them to other people. 

Once you make these clear, you can then learn to turn down requests that don't serve your best interests. 

Remember: “Just because you can do something doesn't mean that you should.” It is our responsibility to protect ourselves from people who harm us and disregard our needs. 

Similarly, it falls on us to figure out what makes us happy and pursue opportunities for happiness. You have to find what fills your cup so that you can serve the people around you. “You can't look to other people to do this for you. It is not their job. It's your job.”

5. Defining Your Obligations 

Another thing that falls under the realm of our personal responsibility is knowing what we need to do to hold up our end of the bargain. These can include your roles in your family or even at work. 

It is particularly helpful to sit down and write these responsibilities down. Then, communicate these with your partner or colleagues so that they can respond appropriately.

6. Having Empathy and Compassion

We are interdependent to those around us, from the way we respond to each other's actions. So being empathetic and compassionate with others should also be our responsibility.

What is Your Problem

Ultimately, finding out what is your problem boils down to control how you show up in the world. We need to live our lives with integrity to ourselves and to others. 

We don't need to do this perfectly. However, we do have to make a sincere effort to be considerate of others. This process takes time and effort. 

Other People’s Problems

Once you become clear about what is your problem, you can determine what other people’s problems are. 

Even if you set your values and priorities straight, other people can still be upset with you. And that should not be your problem

Others may think badly of you for setting healthy boundaries, but that's okay. You don't need to think about their opinions of you anymore because you know that you are a good person.

If another person becomes abusive in response, don’t think for a second that you need to change their reactions. At this point, resolving what is your problem requires keeping yourself safe and leaving. In cases of domestic violence, reach out to thehotline.org immediately.

Giving Space for Others to Grow

The foundation of a mutually healthy relationship is healthy boundaries on both sides.

Keep in mind that other people's personal growth is not part of your problem. It's best to allow them to experience the pain and discomfort of the consequences of their actions. 

Clearing the path for them can even hamper their progress. That’s because, in the absence of dissatisfaction and frustration, people won’t grow.

To help other people, you can share resources (like this podcast!) and even help them get a life coach to help them in their journey. 

[Intro song: O.P.P. by The Wimps]

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: This is Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby and you're listening to The Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast. That’s The Wimps. The song is O.P.P. In this case, O.P.P. stands for Other People's Pizza. But I still wanted to use the song, first of all, because I love this band. Second of all, today, we're talking about: “What is your problem?” What is your problem, specifically, compared to what is somebody else's problem? I have a whole category of things in my mind that are other people's problems: OPPs. Hence, the relevance of this song. And a nice intro into what we're going to be talking about on today's show which is figuring out what is actually your problem, and what is someone else's problem, and getting clarity and confidence to set boundaries between those things so that you don't get pushed around by other people. So that you are actually taking personal responsibility around the things that you do actually need to do in your relationships, and yourself, in your life. 

Good stuff in store for us today. And I'm glad you're here. If this is your first time listening to the show, I would to formally welcome you. I am Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby. I'm the founder and clinical director of Growing Self counseling and coaching. I am a licensed marriage and family therapist, so I specialize in relationships, but I'm also a licensed psychologist. I do have some insight into the quirks of humanity and the way people are. I am also though a board-certified coach, which I am quite proud of. 

I feel that coaching is a profession that has gotten kind of a bad rap in recent years. Honestly, in some ways, rightfully so, there are a lot of dubious characters out there running around offering all kinds of coaching with no training or real experience, for that matter, which is always kind of scary. But there's also a lot of very responsible, ethical, and highly-trained coaches who I think take the best of the principles of therapy and counseling. But turn it into transformational change, which is very worthwhile, and that is part of my orientation. 

I think every one of these episodes that I make for you on the podcast are with that spirit: not just talking about ideas but talking about ideas and then turning them into, hopefully, something that you can do something with. I do a lot of different kinds of experiential growth activities on the show. I have one for you today, and I have a lot of fun doing it. I hope you have fun listening. 

Very lastly, thank you so much if you're one of my regular listeners for the kinds of reviews. Oh, my goodness. I had the opportunity to look at The Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast on iTunes lately and I was just floored by all of the reviews and the nice things that you guys had to say. Thank you so much for the reviews, and also for your questions. I know you guys get in touch from time to time with questions, and I read those. I consider all of them, and then I think about how do I answer that question in an upcoming topic, an upcoming episode of the podcast. 

While I certainly can't be like, “Okay, Stephanie. Here's what you should do.” Because I'm not your therapist and it would be inappropriate for me to give you highly specific advice for your life. I can absolutely talk about the things that are important to you and create growth activities that would be genuinely helpful to you. Because here's also the secret: I have a lot of people who asked me for specific advice like, “Okay, this is what my husband said. What do you think I should do?” I always am like, “Mmm.” 

The truth is that any good counselor or coach is not going to tell you specifically what to do. None of this is informational in nature. I have ideas, and I can make suggestions but those suggestions are around growth experiences. They're not specific, “Do this and then this will happen.” It is, “Let's hand in hand walk into this growth experience together. I will be your guide. Here are some things that would help you develop in such a way that you would know how to handle this situation. It would be congruent with you. You might even have a different perception of the whole experience in and of itself.” 

When people ask for advice, it's like this little head of a pin. It's the very tip of the arrow, but behind that is all of this opportunity for growth, like real meaningful growth, which is never an event. It is always a process. I don't want to deprive you of that process. I'm not going to cheapen this by even suggesting that there are black and white easy answers. “Do this and your life will be perfect.” If there are any other podcast hosts, self-proclaimed life coaches who are telling you that, either they don't know what they're talking about, or they're lying to you. I would never do that. 

Here today, we're going to have yet another growth experience together. This is going to be a good one. And we're talking about how to differentiate between what is your problem, and how to take effective personal responsibility for yourself in your life, and how to differentiate that from what is somebody else's problem. So that you can get really clear about setting boundaries and expectations and not allowing yourself to be inappropriately blamed or used or made responsible for things that you really shouldn't be. 

I think that's an important topic, and I know it's a pain point for you. It's a pain point for many of the clients that we see here in Growing Self. I've also gotten a number of questions about this very topic. And that's why we're talking about this today because as always, it's all for you. Let's jump in. 

Have you ever had someone say to you, “What is your problem?” In an accusatory way? How many times have you had somebody tried to blame you for something that is one, not your fault, and two, not your responsibility? It’s not in the sphere of things that should be your problem. It happens all the time. Examples of this would be somebody making you feel guilty when you don't want to do something that they want you to do. Or when somebody is being a jerk to you and then surprised when you have an appropriately negative reaction to them. 

“What's your problem?” Well, let me tell you, or what about this. This is very common. It happens all the time in couples counseling: Someone blaming you for how they feel and that you need to modify your behavior so that they can feel differently on the inside. Somebody's being mad at you for not covering for them or cleaning up their messes. That can happen. Oftentimes, in professional situations, if you're working on a team and you have a co-worker who's kind of slack, and you're doing all these things to try to make the project successful anyway. One day you can't, and then they get mad at you for not doing what should have been their job anyway. This is also super common is somebody making you or trying to make you feel responsible for the consequences of their own actions, what they're choosing to do or not do. 

Inappropriate Responsibilities

On the show, in service of healthy relationships and how to have them, we talk a lot about boundaries. When we have podcast topics about personal growth, which is also hugely important, we talk about self-esteem. But today, we're really going to be getting under the hood to talk about the unhealthy dynamics that you do have control over that actually create those situations. When boundaries aren't healthy, there's often this inappropriate responsibility thing going on. When people do have low self-esteem or struggle to feel confident, it's often because they are feeling blamed or believing these messages from other people. That, “You're not quite good enough.” Or “You're not doing this well enough to make me feel better about it.” 

When you buy into those things, that's when people start to feel bad about themselves. This is really kind of getting into the nitty-gritty of how do we assess, with confidence, what is actually my problem and my responsibility? What do I have control over? What should I have control over? Compared to what is on the other side of this line that not only am I not going to be responsible for that, but I'm also not going to feel bad about not being responsible for it? I'm not going to feel bad when I hand this one right back to you because you're its rightful owner. This is a conversation, again, that comes up all the time in many, many areas of life. 

Setting Boundaries

To sort of illustrate this, I would for you to either imagine or you could have an experiential growth moment with me right now. Pause this for a second, go get a piece of paper, notebook, whatever you got, and draw two concentric circles. One medium-ish sized circle on the inside and then around that circle, draw a larger circle. You have two circles, one inside the other. The inside circle is actually you and the things that you are in charge of. We're going to be talking about what those things really are and what they should be. 

While we can be inappropriately blamed by others, it is also true that we do need to show up in the healthiest way possible. We do need to conduct ourselves well enough in order to feel authentically good about ourselves and to feel confident. That, “You know what, I am actually being appropriate right now. I'm doing the very best job that I can do, and I know that because I've done this work.” Right? We don't just get it. We have to earn it and that's what this is. That's what goes into the inside circle. 

The outside circle is what is actually in the realm of somebody else's sphere of responsibility? That maybe they're trying to hand to you or make you be responsible for, but you're not really. With those two circles in mind, I want you to now think about how that shows up in different situations in your life. For example, it can come up in interpersonal relationships, certainly, where we're getting blamed for other people's feelings or when other people can't control us in the way that they like to. They get mad at us and like that. There's all kinds of things. 

Unrealistic Expectations

Even at work, it can happen especially if you are a strong, smart, and naturally competent, and also a naturally caring person, this is going to be relatively common for you. Because strong, smart, capable, competent, compassionate people can wind up accepting more and more stuff from others because they can do it. There's a part of them that’s like, “Well, it would be nice if I did do this for them.” And since they’re caring they’re, “Okay.” But what happens is that over time, all this stuff just gets heaped on and on and on. They feel like they're staggering under the weight of it all because it is actually too much. 

Predictably, what you can expect to happen if you are taking on more than you can or should legitimately bear is that you will start to feel resentful of others. You will start to feel angry, you will probably feel very tired, and also this defeated feeling because you can't actually do it all. When there's this voice in your head that's like, “Oh, but I should be able to do this all.” You'll start to feel bad about yourself because you actually can't, right? It's like you have inappropriate expectations for yourself at that point. 

Also, in relationships, this can lead to a lot of really negative emotions. If both you and your partner are colluding around this idea that you are actually responsible for the way they feel. And you're starting to walk on eggshells, and being super careful with everything that you say and do so that they don't go flying off the handle, it can make you feel really withdrawn, disengaged from the relationship to the point where you're not talking about how you're feeling anymore, what you're thinking. It's kind of this checked-out, burnt-out feeling. And it can happen in relationships. It can happen on the job. Really, anywhere where you have spheres of responsibility, this can happen. That's, again, why I wanted to talk about it today. 

Before we jump into the circles, why don't you just actually check-in with yourself for a second and ask yourself whether any of the things that I just mentioned resonate with you. Do you find yourself feeling guilty frequently? Or do you feel like you're running yourself ragged and just doing everything for everyone and it never ends? Here's the ringer: feeling resentful when other people, when you look around and other people aren't killing themselves the same way you are, and you're like, “Why aren't they?” Because you're so overwhelmed and exhausted and starting to feel kind of angry. 

Also, on that note, people will very predictably and rightfully feel angry when their boundaries are being violated. When you aren't getting what you need or when people are not treating you appropriately, it's totally normal and expected that you will be feeling angry towards them. That can be a sign that the locus of responsibility is kind of feeling out of balance when you're having that experience. 

Lastly, in addition to that resentment and guilt and hostility, depletion, there are also often feelings of self-doubt. It gets mixed up with that. “Oh, if I were just better or if I were more organized, I could do more.” “If I exercised every day, I would have more energy to do all these things.” Also, this feeling of low self-esteem, like you're feeling like you've failed because you can't. No matter what you do, this other person in your life is always going to have a negative reaction, or it's never quite going to be good enough. Low self-esteem is internalizing those messages and getting tricked into believing that you're not good enough, that you're not doing a good enough job, that somebody else would get better results. 

I know that this is probably a little hard to think about, but these, to me, are all the signs and symptoms that there may be a responsibility issue in the core of your life that is worth examining as a growth opportunity for you. And again, I am not going to give you trite advice about: “Do this instead.” This is actually a real invitation to take this bigger picture look at what is really going on and not just what other people are doing. But here's the hard part you guys: how you might currently be contributing to this dynamic that you don't want to participate in anymore. 

I know that is hard to hear, and it can be challenging because I think many times, people are stuck in a situation, and I felt this way too. When I've been stuck in this situation, it feels we're sort of being lowkey victimized by people in our lives, right? “Well, they just keep asking me to do stuff.” Or, “If I don't do this, then it won't happen, and we're going to have piles of laundry around the house for three weeks.” Those things might be true, but when we blame other people for the things that we are experiencing, we're giving our power away. It's just not helpful. A: It doesn't change anything And B: If everything is really someone else's fault, how can you possibly be empowered to change it

Your Personal Responsibility

You have to have responsibility. You have to have power in order to really take action and change your circumstances because other people can't do this for you. Particularly, in your relationships, if you're spending a lot of time and energy fighting with other people about how to get them to do things differently, again, that's an opportunity to shift this mirror around and look back at yourself. Because it's so much energy, and it's so exhausting to be fighting with other people about the things that they need to change. It is much more useful and honestly effective when we can think about: “Okay, what do I need to do to make this be different? What can I do to make this be different?” Then, focus all of your energy on that, specifically, because that will move the needle. 

Again, this is why when people ask me for relationship advice and like, “Well, let's crack into this.” It's really a discussion and it's a growth opportunity because I think people hope that I'm going to say, “If you say this to your wife, then she'll be different.” My friend, the actual process is so much more complicated than that. But it's okay. It's good. It's authentic. And that is what this is about. It’s authentic growth, right? 

With that in mind, now, let's go back and let's take a closer look at those circles of responsibility that I got you to write down on your paper. When we look at what is your problem, your personal responsibility is the way that you show up in the world. I'm just going to tick through some of these big ones. Some of them might be things that you're already doing, some of them might be growth opportunities for you, some of them, you might not have any idea what I'm talking about yet. That is also completely okay. These are just things that I have learned over the years on through my own personal growth work. 

Having Emotional Awareness

This is what actually matters when it comes to the things that we truly do need to take responsibility for. One of the big ones is emotional awareness. It is your responsibility. When I say “your,” I mean “our.” It is all of our responsibilities to be able to stay connected to our own feelings well enough to take guidance from them, to be able to listen to yourself to say, “I am feeling resentful. I am feeling depleted. I am feeling hurt.” 

We have to be connected to our own feelings so that we can A: advocate for ourselves and also take informed action from our feelings. Our feelings tell us about our needs. They tell us about our values. And if you're disconnected from your feelings, you don't have access to any of that. It's like if your whole body went numb and you didn't realize that you just cut yourself with a knife. Like “Oh, that is… I hurt myself. That is damaged. I have to stop. I have to go get a band-aid.” 

When we're disconnected with our emotions, we don't have that. You can't say, “Ouch. This is a relationship dynamic that is unhealthy for me.” Or, “No, I actually can't do that work project because I'm already feeling like I'm about to die.” People who are disconnected from their feelings have a lot of trouble setting boundaries between where they stop and someone else starts. That is a primary responsibility.

Practicing Emotionally Safe Communication

From that stems clarity about who you are, what you want, what you need, what is important to you so that you can do the next thing that is your responsibility, which is communicate in a really, not just clear, but emotionally safe way about how you're feeling, about what you need, about what you like: effective communication about possible problem-solving kinds of things. It is, again, emotionally safe communication that creates an emotionally safe environment for the people that you're interacting with. It is our responsibility to talk about what we're thinking and what we're feeling in a kind and respectful way. 

Also, with that is to manage our own reactions. Not screaming at people, not slamming doors, not saying snide, snarky, mean things when we're not feeling good. It's our responsibility to be emotionally vulnerable and kind and give other people the benefit of the doubt and manage the way that we are coming across. That is, if you listen to the emotional intelligence podcast I put together a while ago for you, that is one of the pillars of emotional intelligence. Two, really. It's how do I feel and then how do I manage my relationships with others? Meaning how am I being very deliberate and intentional about how I am coming across, how I am communicating, and making sure that I'm doing that in a respectful way that other people can hear? 

As we've talked about in other previous podcasts, when we lash out, when we withdraw, when we criticize, when we stomp around or sulk, there are predictably negative reactions from others in response to us. We need to take responsibility for that. 

Prioritizing Your Health and Wellness

Another very important thing for all of us to be taking responsibility for is our health and our wellness. Are we getting enough sleep? Eating well? Drinking enough water? Getting exercise? Going to the doctor? Taking care of health issues that need to be taken care of? Noticing when maybe we're getting depleted or we're not getting enough sleep we're not getting enough exercise? 

If we're not really actively paying attention to that and meeting our own needs and providing ourselves with self-care and downtime, we are going to get depleted, and not going to be able to be our best selves in relationships, or be functional, for that matter, at work, or as parents, or in our other important life roles. It is our responsibility to be meeting our basic needs for things like nourishment and rest. 

Being Knowledgeable and Clear About Boundaries

It is also our responsibility, along those lines, to be both knowledgeable and clear about our own limitations and our own boundaries. If you can imagine building up from the bottom, that emotional awareness leads to clarity, leads to being able to communicate, leads to self-care. It's being able to say to yourself first but then, also to other people, “Actually I can't do that.” Or “I don't want to do that.” That is also completely legitimate. It's like, “What are my boundaries? What are my limitations? What is okay with me? What is not okay with me?” You have to know that in yourself first so that you can then say that to somebody else. 

It is similarly our responsibility to say no to inappropriate requests and also to say no to things that are not congruent with the best use of our time and energy and life satisfaction goals. Just because you can do something, doesn't mean that you should. That is an idea that really trips up a lot of very competent, smart, compassionate people. Because they think, “Well, it's not that big of a deal. Yes, I'll do the thing.” When it would have actually been healthier, not just for them, but for everybody else for them to say, “Respectfully, no. There's a part of me that would like to but it's just not realistic for me right now.” It's completely okay, and it is your job to do that. 

It is also 100% your responsibility to protect yourself from other people who would either literally hurt you or disregard your healthy boundaries, disregard your needs. It is similarly your job to protect your children and other vulnerable people around you from others who may have the potential to harm them in subtle or very dramatic ways. It is also our responsibility to figure out what makes us happy and pursue those opportunities for happiness. That could be hobbies. That could be friendships that nurture us. That could be just having space to read a book. 

You're not doing anybody any favors when you are living your life in such a way that there's no space for you and the things that make you feel happy and satisfied and fulfilled. It may sometimes seem a little selfish to do that, but think about the converse. If you are literally giving everything away and then some, you are going to be irritated, grumpy, exhausted, resentful, angry, and not that functional. You are not of benefit to anybody else if you are grumpy, and resentful, and exhausted, and not that functional. 

You have to be doing things that fill up your own cup because you can't look to other people to do this for you. It is not their job. It's not their job. It's your job. Again, this sphere of personal responsibility. It goes in a couple of ways but getting clear about what we need to do is so liberating and empowering once we figure out how to define those boundaries. 

Defining Your Obligations

Other things that are super important and within our sphere of personal responsibility is spending some time to get very clear about what do we actually need to be doing in terms of holding up our end of the bargain. Those could be personal obligations or responsibilities in your personal life, but also that may extend to your roles at work or your roles as a parent. 

If you're a parent, it is actually your responsibility to make sure that the basic needs of your children are met, to be providing income, housing, transportation, basic stuff, safe environment, an emotionally safe environment for your kids. That is also your responsibility. In other roles, it can even be helpful to sit down with a piece of paper. Like, “Okay, at work, what is my job description? What am I there to do?” To write down all of those tasks: “what is my job,” quite literally. Or in your home life, your personal life: “What are the things that need to get done and that I should be doing?” That could extend to the way that you show up in your relationship. You know, spending at least some time with your spouse, are the things that are your responsibility. It's making an effort to be a kind, considerate, loving partner for your spouse.

I don't know if you had the chance yet to listen to my recent podcast episode about love languages, but trying to be thoughtful about what your partner needs from you and how you can give that to them. That is, I think, in your sphere of responsibility, in addition to being an emotionally safe person and an effective communicator. 

It is also your responsibility to provide people with necessary information to be able to say, “Here's my job and this is what I am going to be doing. This is what I'm going to be doing.” So that they can make choices about what they would like to be doing in response to that. Again, you're not telling them what to do. You're saying, “This is what I'm doing.” Providing them with accurate information and that could extend to boundaries but it could also… Doctors are actually, disclosure, therapists run into this a lot. 

I know part of my role here at Growing Self, I certainly do see my own therapy and coaching clients, but I also do a lot of supervision of other therapists and coaches at this point. One of the big themes that comes up, especially, I think, for earlier career counselors is this idea of how to tell if they're working harder than their clients are. Because that can actually be a thing in the therapy world. A client might come in and sort of vent about all of these things that are happening in their relationship that they aren't happy with, that they would to have changed. And then, a therapist could say, “Okay, these are the things that I think would be really helpful for you. I think that this is where we should put time and energy into expanding.” 

We cannot control whether or not someone engages with that, whether or not they want to do that personal growth work or challenge themselves to do things differently in their relationship with their partner, that would actually help them get different results. I think early career therapists can often feel really bad. Like, “Why isn't this ‘working?’” I think it also has to do with these ideas about how personal growth works, how therapy works. I think that some people have this idea that just coming into a therapist's office or a marriage counselor's office and saying out loud, “This is the problem” and hoping for advice. “Okay, what do you think I should do to change it?” That in itself would change something and that isn't the way it works. 

I think that that's one of the dark parts of talk therapy is that people believe that if they're coming and talking to a therapist, they are doing what needs to be done in order to change and grow and evolve. Listening to yourself tell the therapist about how you feel is great. It helps build insight. which is always helpful but it doesn't actually change the results that you're going to get in your life until you turn that insight into action and are able to put in the time and energy and effort to doing things a little bit differently, like the things that we're talking about today: managing the way that you communicate, being clear about your boundaries, saying no, protecting yourself, taking care of yourself, and providing other people with information around “Here's what I'm going to do.” 

I could tell you that, as a therapist, until I'm blue in the face but that is actually where my sphere of responsibility ends. Whether or not you do that stops being my responsibility because I have done my part of this equation, which is providing you with new ideas and growth opportunities. That's kind of how this works in my profession, but this is also how it's going to work in your life too. I think if we go back to that thing that we were talking about at the beginning of the show, about how often we can inadvertently get in these situations where we're fighting with people, particularly with our partners to try to get them to do things differently or move in the direction that we want them to move in, that is not anything that you have control over. 

Where your sphere of responsibility ends is around: “This is what I need. This is what I'm going to do. This is what I'm going to do in response to whatever you decide to do.” Then, seeing what they do with that. So it gets injected from that inner circle at that moment and into somebody else's lane to do with as they will. Yes, we're interdependent, and the way that we show up in our relationships can impact the response that we have. But I have ceaselessly been amazed over and over and over again about how dramatically, and sometimes, even quickly relationships will change. And how differently people will feel when they start getting real clear about themselves and their own boundaries and their own needs and how they're taking care of what is their responsibility instead of looking outside of that sphere of responsibility for things to improve. Those are some of the things that are in your sphere of responsibility. 

Having Empathy and Compassion

Others that I will add, I do believe personally, and this goes back to one of my core values that is not one that is shared by everyone, but I do believe that we all have the responsibility to try to have empathy and compassion for other humans. I think that that's just one of the core principles of life worth living. Again, that's a values-based thing. I do personally believe that we all have the responsibility to try to do as much as we can, particularly when it comes to doing our own work and bettering ourselves. 

I think that investing in yourself and your own wellness is our responsibility. That can extend obviously to the health stuff that we were talking about. Well, clearly, we're here together. You're listening to this podcast so you could check this one off the list, but reading self-help books, engaging in personal growth activities, thinking about: “Who am I? Am I the best self that I could be?” Considering what your options are and being willing I think to experiment with new things and grow. 

What is Your Problem

It all really boils down to our responsibility is, ultimately, controlling how we show up in the world and making sure that we are living our own lives with integrity: integrity to ourselves, integrity to others, and that managing ourselves as well as we can. Not perfectly. That is not an appropriate expectation for anyone but a sincere well-intentioned effort to be doing our very best job of being a good person, being thoughtful and considerate and kind in our interactions with other people, being very willing to accept responsibility for the things that we do actually need to do, which is our health, our wellness, and also basic stuff of life that we do actually need to get done. That requires a lot of thought and energy into thinking about what those things are. 

If you're feeling a little bit overwhelmed by all those, first of all, I'm sorry. But this is going back to that idea that when I do work with people in therapy and coaching, we dive into all of these things over many, many sessions. I'm trying to distill this for you into an exercise that we can talk about in the podcast episode of 45 minutes or whatever it is. Take notes, write these things down. My advice for you would be to give yourself time and space to think more about it. Write down: “What is my responsibility?” Fill in that circle. “What am I in charge of? What am I doing to take care of myself? How do I feel? Am I saying no? What, legitimately, are the tasks and things that are my job that are on my responsibility list?” 

Give yourself some time to do this because only then will you be able to say with confidence and clarity, “I am doing what I need to be doing. I know what that is and I feel really good about that.” Because then, that in turn, will lead us to step two which is figuring out what is on the other side of that boundary, that boundary of personal responsibility. 

Other People’s Problems

Once you have figured out what you want, what you need, what you need to do to create that, and get clear about what behaving with integrity and responsibility means to you, then you can get very clear and confident about all the things that are on the other side of that line. What is actually someone else's problem? Other people's problem: OPPs. These might include things like other people's reactions to you. If you are behaving well and in alignment with your values, and you're confident that you are being appropriate and clear and kind and responsible, then it leaves your domain of responsibility when it is launched out into the world and received by another person. 

I will tell you, if you are trying to set healthy boundaries with someone who does not have healthy boundaries, they will very likely get upset with you for doing that. They will try to make you feel bad about that. And they will have negative interpretations of whatever you do, despite your positive intentions. They'll perceive you as being not a nice, loving person, and that is okay. Because at this point, because of the work that you've done, you do not need them to think that you're a nice person because you already know that you're a nice person, that you're being really healthy and really appropriate. 

You can expect, again, unhealthy people, that that doesn't go over well with them. Particularly, if you've been caught in a dynamic with them historically where you have been doing too much and taking responsibility for things that aren't your job. As soon as you stop that, then that's not going to feel good for them anymore. They might try to punish you or make you feel bad. Again, I just want to pause for a second. There are degrees of punishment. It might be your mother that you're trying to set new boundaries with. Now, she's giving you the silent treatment because you're not doing what she wants you to do. That's completely okay and that's, again, within the realm of what a lot of people deal with. 

There is also though, a different thing if you are in a patently abusive relationship like domestic violence. If you are afraid for your life or for the welfare of your children, the things that I'm talking about right now about other people's problems and how to deal with them probably don't apply because you need to do whatever you need to do to manage that situation long enough to leave the situation. Don't think for a second that there's anything that you can do to change your partner's abusive reactions. Your responsibility is keeping yourself safe, which is doing whatever you need to do to stay safe and then leaving. That is your responsibility. Just know that the things that I'm talking about here do not extend to those situations. 

If you are in an abusive situation, if you're afraid for your safety, and that's showing up in boundary stuff, do not pass go. Go to the website called thehotline.org. thehotline.org, it is by, for, and about people who are stuck in violent and abusive relationships. They have tons of information and you can get free confidential access to a domestic violence counselor who can help assess the situation, and do a safety plan with you, and help start the process of getting you the heck out of there: thehotline.org

Giving Space for Others to Grow

Veering back into our lane, to continue the conversation about what is not your problem is managing someone else's feelings: feeling like you have to do certain things in order to make somebody else happy. No. You need to be responsible for yourself, and then they will have whatever reactions they need to have to that. It is also someone else's responsibility, not your problem, it is their problem, to set boundaries with you, and tell you what they need, and tell you how they feel and to say no to you, right? 

We can only ask for what we want or need or expect but then, the expectation is that it goes on the other side of the net. That an emotionally safe person will have done similar work to what I'm talking about right now and will be able to take on board what you're saying and consider that in light of who they are, and how they feel, and what they need, and what feels healthy for them, and then communicate back with you in an emotionally safe and authentic and respectful way so that there's a dialogue that starts. It is their responsibility to do that with you. You do not have to try to read somebody's mind, or anticipate their needs for them, or prevent their feelings from being hurt. Our job is to trust other people enough to tell us that because that is the foundation of a mutually healthy relationship: healthy boundaries on both sides. 

Again, allowing other people to have the time and space and feelings to do their own growth work. Other people's growth is on their side of the net. One of the things that I've learned over the years in relationships, personal relationships, and myself as a parent, as a therapist, is that one of the most precious things that you can do for someone that you really, really love is by allowing them to experience discomfort, to allow them to experience pain, even, and to allow them to experience the natural consequences of their own decisions and their own actions, so that they have the opportunity to get in touch with their feelings, to get clear about their values, about what they need, so that they get to practice communicating effectively, so that they have growth opportunities that come from the same place that yours do. That they're motivated by the desire to get different results. 

In the absence of dissatisfaction or frustration, people don't grow. They just kind of cruise along. If you are, I've learned this as a parent, out in front of your kid sweeping the path clear for them always, they don't get to grow. They don't get to learn. They don't get to try something, and I hate to use the word fail. Let's just not even. But have the opportunity to say, “Oh, that didn't work the way that I wanted it to. What could I do differently?” They have to kind of struggle with that and that is their problem. Again, you can provide them with information. Like, “Hey, I just read this book. It was so helpful to me. Here's the title. You might want to check it out.” You're done. Now, it's on their side of a net and they get to decide A: whether or not that is even remotely relevant to what they think they need and to follow through with that. Your work here is done. You tried. Those are all different examples of things that are on other people's side of the net. 

Lastly, to put all this together, I'll give you kind of an illustration of this. In my role, so I certainly do therapy and coaching, but at this stage of the game, I'm really the clinical director of Growing Self, at this point. A lot of what I'm doing is managing a team. I provide clinical supervision but also working with different people to keep all the wheels on the bus. As a leader, my sphere of responsibility, I need to create a really emotionally safe environment for everybody on my team that values authenticity, that values growth. This basic idea that we all need to talk openly about how we're feeling, and what we need, and potential problems because the whole theme of everything that we do here is around growth: What can we learn? How can we improve? How can we make this better? And then, it's okay that there are problems because that gives us the opportunity to reflect on our actions and grow and learn. 

This is all a good thing but it's my job to, not just make sure that everybody knows that intellectually, but to help them feel that way in their interactions with me. How I respond to people, how I invite people to share their thoughts or feelings, and my reactions to that, that's my job, one that I take very seriously. It is also my job to hold up my end of the bargain with practical matters. There are all kinds of things that need to be done. I have a task list. There are things that I need to do that actually nobody else can do. I need to do that so I'm very careful about how I manage my time, and I'm taking those commitments really seriously. I think it's also my job to do as good of a job as I possibly can. I put a lot of energy and effort and intention into the things that are my job. Making these podcasts for you, I care about that. I can do some little 20 minutes super light non-deep pod… There's a time and a place but I don't do that. 

I really want to go deep with you so that it's a meaningful growth experience. I put hours and hours and hours in each one of these, which is great. I love it. I'm happy to do, and I'm not complaining. But I feel that is actually my obligation to you, to be present in that way. That's my job. Also, my job is to know what my strengths are and also what my liabilities are. What am I good at? And what am I not that good at? So that I can either very proactively take steps to kind of either get help for the things that I'm not good at or get real conscious about like, “Okay, I know I'm not the best in the world at time management so before I start my day, I need to look at my calendar. Set my timers so I'm not late to anything.” That's my job. 

It is also my job to share ideas and to ask for what I need and also to be selective in what I commit to. I have people come to me all the time with business ideas or things that we could be doing, and I have to say no to a lot of them. Because anything that I say yes to means that there's less time and energy and effort for stuff that I've already committed to that is really important. Being responsible and thoughtful about the boundaries that I set and also be clear about what I would like to have happen with other people on my team. 

I think that all of the things that are my responsibility accumulates to being trustworthy, being emotionally safe, and creating an emotionally healthy environment for other people where they feel valued and supported with me. It's my responsibility to show appreciation, to do as much as I can to nurture and support the growth of others. All things that are my job. 

What else is happening is that I expect that if I ask somebody on my team to do something, they will say no to me if they can't. Or say, “You know what? I have all of these other projects and when I really look at the amount of time these are all going to take, something has to give. I cannot do one of these, and do this thing that you're asking, or maybe we could schedule it at a further time.” But this super reality-based conversation about what's possible and what's not possible. 

I feel like it's also other people's responsibilities to say to me, “Hey, Lisa. This thing isn't working that well. I'm not feeling good about this process. I think that this needs to be better.” Instead of suffering in silence and trying to make do with things that maybe aren't actually good enough. But maybe they're having sort of assumptions laid out like they don't want to upset me or they don't want to cause problems. Or that old friend of “Well, if I were just doing a better job, I wouldn't be feeling so overwhelmed or defeated or whatever it is.” I disagree. I think it's their responsibility to be communicating with me about how they feel because if I know, then we can work together to solve the problem. 

I trust the people that I am in a relationship with to care enough about me and our relationship to set boundaries with me, to tell me how they feel, to be self-aware enough to know how they feel. Also, to communicate with me in an emotionally safe and respectful way that are like “Hey, we have a problem. What are we going to do here to fix it?” 

That's kind of a simple work-based example of all of this in action about what's my sphere of responsibility and what somebody else's. But as you reflect on your own job or your own roles in your family, to think about what are you creating in terms of the environment and your responses to people. What, perhaps, has been bleeding over that maybe you've been attempting to control something that is in someone else's domain or trying to manage the responses and feelings of another person? 

I have all kinds of clients. Super hardworking, super competent who will tell me that they're actually doing somebody else's job in their department. They're doing a job and a half or sometimes even two jobs because they have a really mercurial boss. They are afraid that their boss will be upset if they say no to them. That is so toxic. That is not okay. Again, to get clear about how to set boundaries in a healthy way and also to set limits and to take care of yourself. Because if your toxic boss is actually going to scream at you if you're not doing 1.75 jobs that is inappropriate for your job description, your responsibility is to be operating in reality and thinking, “Okay, can I communicate what I need and have the situation change? What do I need to do to try to make that happen?” “Do I need to start making other plans for myself if I'm in a legitimately toxic work environment that is unhealthy for me, that isn't going to change?” It's your responsibility to figure out your way out of that instead of continuing to be sad and frustrated and miserable because that's your job: to take care of you. 

Anyway, so many examples of these differences. If you are one of the people who has written to me lately asking about how to handle specific situations with your spouse or partner that you're feeling unhappy about, and what do you think I should do, or what I think you should do rather, I hope that this conversation has illuminated that the answer to this in a more meaningful way than some basic high-level advice would. There are growth opportunities here, primarily to you, that will then cascade out into your relationship and impact the results that you're getting. Or if you are one of the people that has written in on Instagram about a crappy job situation or how to deal with a really unreasonable boss, I hope that this discussion helps you clarify and design a much more comprehensive, and ultimately, effective path forward for yourself that's based on your long-term health and needs and goals. 

Personal growth is messy and the answers aren't always easy. It requires work and depth and thought and intention and also a lot of courage. Because it's also one thing to have these ideas and be reflecting on them, but it's a whole other level when you set out about to do them. Then, experience what that feels like when you do. I hope that you take this in the intention that it was created, which is me trying to do a really nice job, making a meaningful podcast for, you and I am bouncing it over to your side of the net to do with as you will. I'll be so interested to hear if you have any follow-up questions or reactions and how these ideas work for you as you implement them in your own life. 

Thank you again for spending time with me today and I'll be back in touch soon with another episode of The Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast.

[Outro song: O.P.P. by The Wimps]


Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

What is EFT?

EFT is an experiential approach to couples therapy, meaning that it’s not about learning skills and strategies (though you’ll get those along the way too). EFCT will help you understand yourself and your partner differently, so that the moments that would have led to anger or hurt feelings in the past, can actually become powerful moments of bonding and connection. 

If this sounds amazing… it actually is amazing. I’ve been honored to work as a marriage counselor guiding couples through this process. I can honestly say that when couples “shift” from viewing each other as hostile and emotionally dangerous to seeing each other vulnerable and in need of love and care — it is beautiful: empathy and compassion start to flow naturally. Through these new experiences, and shift in emotional perspective, everything about a relationship can change for the better.

The Practice of Emotionally Focused Therapy

Because Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is such a powerful form of marriage counseling — and so darn effective — I really wanted to unpack it for you on today’s episode of the podcast, so you can understand how it works, and how to use the principles of EFT therapy to benefit your relationship.

I’ve invited my colleague Anastacia S., M.A., LMFT to join me on today’s show to answer your questions about emotionally focused couples therapy and to discuss how EFT therapy works. 

Anastacia is an advanced, licensed marriage and family therapist on our team here at Growing Self. She practices Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, and she is also a clinical supervisor who trains other therapists seeking to become EFCT marriage counselors. 

She has so much wisdom to share on this topic, and I’m delighted to share her perspective with you today! You can listen to her relationship advice using the podcast player above, or listen to “Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy” on Spotify or on Apple Podcasts. (Be sure to subscribe to the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast while you’re there!) 

EFT Therapy

What is emotionally focused therapy? Listen to learn everything you ever wanted to know about EFT couples therapy and how it can help YOU transform your relationship. Ana and I are discussing:

  • What Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is, and how it’s different from other forms of couples counseling.
  • How attachment styles impact your relationships.
  • How our early experiences in our family of origin can impact our ways of relating as adults.
  • How couples fall into negative spirals of reacting to each other, and why that’s so toxic to your relationship.
  • What happens to relationships when we begin to create a “negative story” about our partners.
  • Why healthy, securely attached people can appear to have avoidant or anxious tendencies in a distressed relationship.
  • Understanding the pursue/withdraw pattern, and how to extract yourself from it.
  • How to cultivate a secure attachment bond with your partner through emotional connection and responsiveness
  • The difference between primary and secondary emotions.
  • Cultural differences (and similarities) around how we connect and bond.
  • What to do if you’re feeling like your relationship is too far gone for couples therapy.
  • And so much more.

Ana and I both sincerely hope that this discussion helps you restore the love and connection in your relationship, in order to keep it strong, secure, and healthy for years to come.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Music Credits: “All This Love” by Russo and Weinberg,

Spread the Love Happiness & Success

Please Rate, Review & Share the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

iTunes

Stitcher

Spotify


How To Be More Confident

How To Be More Confident

How to Build Confidence In Yourself

How to be more confident? If you have (like so many others) ever struggled with feelings of self-doubt or compared yourself to others, you know that feeling confident can seem elusive. While wanting to be “better” can feel like motivation for personal growth or self-improvement, sometimes this self-criticism can actually impede your personal development.

Consider the paradox of wanting to be more confident: When we don’t feel as confident as we think we should, it then becomes just another thing to beat ourselves up about. “I'm not as confident as other people!” Or, “I should feel more confident than I do!” Oh, the irony! But learning how to build confidence becomes much easier and more attainable when we stop seeking to “feel” confident and feeling bad about ourselves when we don't and, instead, start focusing on our relationship with ourselves. 

Self Confidence … Through Self Compassion

Does your relationship with yourself feel healthy and supportive? Do you know how to love yourself, and compassionately coach yourself through challenging life experiences? Or do you beat yourself up, judge yourself, or inwardly criticize or condemn yourself as you go throughout your daily life? 

The path to learning how to be more confident means learning how to have a healthier relationship with yourself.

Stop Beating Yourself Up

For people who struggle with confidence or have low self-esteem, their harsh inner critic can feel like the part of yourself that “really knows the truth.” It can feel like it’s trying to help you be better, by pointing out your flaws or shortcomings. But what we know is that growth requires emotional safety and support. If your inner critic is always tearing you down and making you feel bad, it becomes paralyzing. If you’re constantly making mistakes and doing the wrong thing, it feels like you can’t do anything: Not even the things that would help you grow and heal. 

Then you’re stuck! 

How to Build Confidence In Yourself — Compassionately

The key to creating self-confidence is learning how to have an emotionally safe relationship with yourself. This is a personal growth process that can be a journey to cultivate, for sure. But the rewards are enormous. Not only will you feel more confident, but this type of deep personal development work can also help you feel more optimistic, better able to meet challenges competently, and — perhaps even most importantly — improve your relationships with others too.

But how? How to build confidence through developing a relationship with yourself? On this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I’m pleased to do a deep dive into this topic with my guest, Dr. Aziz Gazapura. Dr. Aziz is a psychologist specializing in social anxiety and self confidence, and he’s sharing his insights with us today. 

I hope you join us for this episode, which is essentially a “masterclass” in how to be more confident. Listen now on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or right here. If you’re more of a reader than a listener, scroll down to find shownotes and a transcript below. 

Xo, 

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

How To Be More Confident

The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Music Credits: “Freedom” by The Originals

Spread the Love Happiness & Success

Please Rate, Review & Share the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

iTunes

Stitcher

Spotify


How To Be More Confident: Podcast Show Notes

  • Why Is Confidence Important?
    • Confidence is essential to having emotional freedom to take risks, successfully manage challenges, and create authentic and meaningful relationships.
    • One of the primary reasons that people struggle with confidence and low self-esteem is that they have a harsh inner critic that’s making them feel terrible about themselves.
    • How to Be More Confident By Being Kind to Yourself
      • Confidence is an inside job.
      • The art of building confidence in yourself is akin to developing a positive, healthy relationship with yourself.
      • This allows you to feel secure from the inside out: You can take risks, try new things, and allow yourself to be authentically vulnerable. 
    • Building Confidence By Being On Your Own Side
      • As you take the risk to become more real and vulnerable, you can experience a fundamental shift where you become more “on your own side.”
      • This endeavor does not need to be a one-man job. If it feels difficult to “talk back” to your inner critic, that can be a sign that you could benefit from the support of a therapist or coach.
    • Breaking Free from False Self-Protection
      • Often, it feels like the inner critic inside our heads is trying to protect us from harm or danger.
      • However, they’re an outdated protective strategy that feeds us information that is not necessarily true. It holds you back. 
  • Social Anxiety vs. Lack of Self Confidence
    • Signs of Social Anxiety
      • Social anxiety is typically a fear of being judged, disliked, and rejected. Underneath that is the belief that we are unworthy and unlovable.
      • The primary way we deal with social anxiety is avoidance. However, the more we avoid problems, the harder it becomes to confront them.
    • Social Anxiety is a Verb, Not a Noun
      • Rather than having social anxiety, think of it as doing social anxiety. 
      • It is reversible as long as you put in the effort to break free of your patterns.
  • How to Build Confidence in Yourself
    • Self Confidence: Be Willing to Fail Forward
      • The more you are willing to make mistakes, the quicker you’ll develop the skills that help you feel confident and competent.
    • Forge Verified Faith
      • Once you’ve practiced your social skills a number of times, you’ll be willing to take more risks. 
      • You then get faith in yourself that you can do it. 
    • Be Authentic, Not Nice
      • When you’re more focused on being nice, you approach people from a place of fear, not genuine love and connection. 
      • Doing this can build up resentment since you are unable to express your own needs and emotions.
    • Consider Therapy for Low Self-Esteem
      • Therapy is a good place to start. Your therapist can guide you through a systematic approach to build your confidence. 
  • Making Assumptions
    • We Attract What We Project
      • We're in an interactive field with the space around us and the people around us. 
      • So when we have self-critical thoughts, we're actually bringing about more of that reaction to us. 
    • Negative Assumptions Are a Sign of Low Self Esteem
      • Most of us assume that people are against us because we are against ourselves. 
      • Initiate a dialogue with your inner voice so you can combat this chronic assumption. 
  • Building Confidence From The Inside Out
    • Cultivating a growth mindset that allows you to experiment and practice (with a minimum of self-judgment) is key to building 

[Intro Song]

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: This is Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby. You're listening to the Love, Happiness, and Success podcast. 

[Intro Song]

Dr. Lisa: My guest today on this episode of the Love, Happiness, and Success podcast is Dr. Aziz Gazipura. Dr. Aziz has a background in clinical psychology but he's a real expert in confidence. He's here to talk with us today about why self-confidence is important and really kind of unpacking that term with us because we hear all the time from every direction that we should be more self-confident; we should have higher self-esteem. For people that struggle with this, that quickly turns into just one more thing that makes them feel badly about themselves, like, “Oh, god, no, I'm not confident enough.” So we really want to dive into this topic to explore what the impact of confidence is in one direction or another, on life, on relationships, on a career. Dr. Aziz, as a real expert on this subject, I'm so pleased you can join us today to share his wisdom with you. Thank you, Dr. Aziz.

Dr. Aziz Gazipura: Fantastic. Thank you, Dr. Bobby. I do think that's ironic, right? Someone's feeling maybe a little bit low about themselves or anxious, and then they have this idea, “I should be more confident… urghh I'm not”, and then made worse. So that's, I mean, I'm so glad we're having this conversation. I did start by clearing that one up. So people are free.

Dr. Lisa: Let's just start there. Because it's true. I mean, I think people that struggle with self-confidence, which is, okay, hi, everyone, right? But doubts themselves from time to time. Like, there's always this giant list of things that we all need to be we all need to do. And now we have 75, self-anointed life coaches, and our Instagram feed every day jumping up and down, telling us that we should like ourselves more, be more confident. And it's just like, “Oh, okay, great. Why, why is that even important?”

How to be Kind to Yourself

Dr. Aziz: Sure. Well, I mean, from subjectively our own experience, I like to think of it as a relationship. If you imagine having a relationship with a friend or family member or a spouse, and what is the quality of that relationship? Is it are you connected? Are you distant? Are you loving and kind and patient? Are you impatient and frustrated and critical? And there's really no difference with the relationship with ourselves. 

We are either distant and disconnected and kind of zoned out and not really present with ourselves or we can be harsh, critical, impatient, judging, angry. When we live that way, whether it's a relationship with someone in your life or relationship with yourself, when you're living that way, it's painful. It can be limiting. It feeling bad aside, it also can be very restricting and limiting to your life because when you're feeling low about yourself, you're feeling like you are unworthy or unlovable, you're not going to take risks. You're not going to put yourself out there. You're not going to really live up to what you want to do and what you want to create in life. So I think it has a kind of a one-two punch effect on us when our confidence and self-esteem is low.

Dr. Lisa: I am so glad we're talking about this, this way and in this language because I think you said something just so insightful, which is really like that self-confidence, right? To be self-confident to be in this almost mood state of self-confidence. It's like people think that that means that they need to feel a certain way; they need to project themselves differently to others. It's almost like how they should be out in the world is air quote, self-confident. 

But I love the way that you're talking about this in terms that I think is much easier to understand, like more relatable, which is that let's just toss that self-confidence term out the window. Almost what we're really talking about, is the quality of the relationship that you have with yourself. Is it supportive? Is it patient? Is it kind? Or are you being mean to yourself harsh with yourself, beating yourself up, tearing yourself down? How does your relationship with yourself contribute to how you feel in relationships with others?

Dr. Aziz: It is the most important thing in a lot of ways because everyone can just use this as a little thought experiment. Imagine yourself spending a day with someone that you love, maybe it's a lover or a close friend or your spouse of 15 years. You guys got a little date time away from the kids and you're out in a beautiful park or near a waterfall or going to the movies or whatever you love to do with someone that you love. And I say, “Well, great, how are you feeling? What's that day like?”, and you say, “Well, inside my head, I'm judging myself, I don't think I look very good. I don't. My clothes don't fit well, and I'm boring. You know, I'm worried about what's going to happen next, because I'm not good enough.” 

It doesn't matter what you're doing. It doesn't matter who you're with. It's pain, it's suffering. So if we don't get a handle on that, if we don't learn how to work with that, those voices in our head, critical side of us, our insecure parts, if they run the show, if it dominates us, then we're going to suffer and of course, our relationships are going to suffer too, right? Because we're not coming out as our best or most free self, we're going to be a lot more restricted, a lot more guarded, a lot more inhibited. So it makes all the difference. 

I do think that thinking of it that way, as a relationship with yourself, I often say confidence is an inside job. Because if people confuse that persona, that bravado, that appearance of confidence, the people that like really puff that up, actually, and you probably know this from your work and everything. It's like the inverse inside, they're the most insecure; it's a compensation. So we want to step away from needing to look confident or be anxious inside and actually say, “Okay, how do we fundamentally approach ourselves and life so that we can truly feel more relaxed, more accepted, more acceptable, and then more courageous, to move forward and really connect with others in a deeper way?” 

Dr. Lisa: I love that. Just to hear you talk like you speak about this. So insightfully and so compassionately, and I hope that this is okay to ask about, just in looking through your materials, you mentioned that at an earlier point in your own life, it sounds like you struggled to have a good relationship with yourself and I can only imagine the amount of empathy and just genuine understanding that must have come from that experience. Is it okay to ask you about that?

Dr. Aziz: Yeah, no, absolutely. I mean, that is the source of not only my empathy for this and understanding but also my endless hunger to serve in this way. Because I experienced firsthand for many years, what it was like to live with pretty severe social anxiety and all of its cousins that people might not notice. But excessive niceness, people-pleasing, excessive guilt, worrying constantly of what other people think of me. So even after I got past some pretty strong inhibition and avoidance, and kind of broke through to the next level of at least appearing a little bit more confident, I was really tormented and suffered a lot with this relationship with myself. With that led to was this endless, obsessive hunger to say, “Well, how do I liberate myself from this? How do I? I was in therapy, and I go to workshops, I go to trainings, and I would always be listening specifically for that, “How do I like myself? How do I stop this critical beast in my head that seems like I don't, I'm not in control of it?”

Over time, fortunately, with enough growth and exploration, I was able to really discover how to shift that. We could talk more about that in this interview. But the beautiful thing is, I say, confidence is an inside job and we need other people. It's this beautiful synergy, right? I didn't really fully free myself. I mean, look, of course, we all have self-criticism, we all have some self-doubts. I'm not saying that that's gone forever. But I mean, it's night and day different the way I live my relationship with myself now, and it's not where it is today because I just did it all myself. It's truly other people. It's listening to shows like this. It's reading books. It's doing the work. 

As we do that, and as we take the risk to be more real and more vulnerable, as we change the way we talk to ourselves, we treat ourselves, you can experience a fundamental shift in the way that, I encapsulate this with people that I work with now, as I call it being on my own side. And in fact, the people I work with, the groups that I run, it kind of had, they came up with its own acronym, OMOS, on my own side, OMOS. That's a common phrase people will talk about is how you know how to be more on my own side because when we're on our sides that's kind of another way of saying what we're talking about here. So yes, I made a shift in my life from being many years very not on my own side, very against myself, to fundamentally residing where my center of gravity now is on my own side.

Dr. Lisa: Yeah.  I'm glad that you bring up the part about how hard it is to do on their own, because it's almost like you're lost in this forest almost with this person who's mean to you and like telling you all these terrible things about yourself. I think that when you are alone in that, it's very easy to get tricked into believing that that mean voice is true. I think it requires a connection with somebody else, at least in the beginning stages of this journey to say, “No, don't listen to them. That is not true. Let me show you how to think differently or what to do to talk back to that inner voice.” It's very difficult to do that without someone almost like coming in to get you, and I want to say that out loud. Because again, I think a lot of times people believe that they should be able to do these things on their own, or like read a blog article or listen to a podcast and be like, “Okay, I know what I should do, now.” I just want to say that it's very hard to do this. It's one thing to hear what you should do, or what helps, but the doing of it is a collective endeavor, I think.

Dr. Aziz: Yes. The whole purpose of this inner critic, that's something I became very fascinated by, like, what's going on? This seems so maladaptive. This seems so not healthy, like what's going on. What I've discovered over time is… I love this idea of being in the woods being in the forest, and you got this character next to you that's criticizing you. 

Dr. Lisa: Yeah. 

Dr. Aziz: But it actually as sort of purposeless as it might seem, just mean or it actually has a very specific function. The way I guide clients to see this, I said, “Well, what if that voice were true? You know, and it's, you're ugly, and you're not smart enough, and you're not gonna succeed?”, and all these things, like, if we were just to say, “Okay, let’s take it at face value, it's all true. Where is it steering you towards in your life?” When people reflect on this, what they often find is it is guiding them to downsize their life. To avoid risk, avoid stepping into the unknown, avoid trying new things, avoid connecting, avoid being vulnerable, and really kind of keep life as contained, armored, and small as possible, and so dense. 

Dr. Lisa: Protective

Dr. Aziz: It's a protective voice. Absolutely. It's an outdated, protective strategy to survive through basically armoring up and avoiding life. What's very helpful to see that, because once you start to notice it's actually the first step because all of a sudden, imagine you've had this character with you for years in the woods, and you think, maybe you think, “Oh, it's a jerk”, but you also think it's looking out for you. It's giving you real information. It's, maybe, it's even a friend or…

Dr. Lisa:  It's truth.

Dr. Aziz: It's a truth. All of a sudden, people start to say, “Wait a minute, wait a minute”, and often tell like that's, I call it the safety police. It's trying to keep you safe by corralling you. I'll say that your safety police is not the voice of truth. It's a propaganda campaign to keep you in the woods to keep you out of your life. This brings us to other people because the safety police will love to say, “First of all, you know, you're screwed. Sorry, you're over. It's your genes. It's your family. It's your history. It's your age, it's your appearances, whatever, don't even try. And by the way, don't tell anybody about this, because you're so messed up. If people knew how messed up you are, they certainly wouldn't love you. So you got to work this out on your own. Just go read a blog article, listen to a thing, don't tell anybody.” Honestly, that's doomed to fail. We can get a little bit of insight, we can get a little bit of growth. 

I'm a big believer in education. That's why you have this podcast. I do my own. To really transform this in a fundamental way, we got to involve other people and it doesn't have to be so it could be paid help or counseling or groups. It could also just be like, “Okay, I'm going to read this book, but I'm going to talk about it with my friend, I'm going to talk about it to my spouse.” There so many people I come across who come into my world who want to do coaching or the things and they're like, “I can't tell my spouse” I'm like, “Okay”, I meet them where they're at. I make a note on like, “That's a problem.” because if you have so much shame, about the anxiety that you can't even tell the person extensively that you're closest with, that's a red flag that we want to make sure that we address so over time. You can because you're afraid right now, but that's going to be the biggest source of healing and liberation, to bring other people into your world and your safety police who's in the woods with you is going to yell ‘til it's blue in the face, saying, “Don't let anyone in. Don't let anyone. It's too dangerous.”

Dr. Lisa: Yeah, to be able to have a corrective emotional experience where you are emotionally intimate and vulnerable with someone who does love you and who is able to receive that in a healing kind of way is so transformational. I just also want to say out loud for the benefit of people listening to this who might not be in that situation is that it does also require an emotionally safe relationship. But I see that not everyone and not every relationship is ready for that kind of authenticity as powerful as it is. 

So as a couples counselor, one of the things we have to do sometimes, as people sort of grow together, like pacing themselves on each side because it can be very unhelpful, even damaging if people are like, “Okay, I'm ready to share and be vulnerable with you now” with a partner who is angry with them or not ready to receive them in that way. There can be I think, some couples work that needs to happen in order for it to be a good experience, and not another bad experience that supports that she is your safety police is then like, “I'm never doing that again.” I think that's what can be really confusing for people sometimes. 

Signs of Social Anxiety

Dr. Lisa: Okay, so let's talk about this. One of the reasons that I wanted to speak with you is that in addition to your workaround like confidence in coaching. You have a background in clinical psychology and you've done a lot of researching and writing on the subject of social anxiety, which is, it's in the DSM, and it is sort of in that more disordered realm. I'm curious to know, how you would characterize serious for real social anxiety as being different from a confidence problem. How did you articulate that?

Dr. Aziz: Yeah, that's a great question. I think it's really a matter of degree when it comes to social anxiety. I think everyone experiences social anxiety. All that means is we feel fear of other humans. That's really what it means. And typically, it's a fear of being judged, disliked, rejected, and that underneath that is the belief that we are unworthy, unlovable. So that rejection means something damning about us because if someone is like, “Oh, yeah, someone might not like me, but I know that I'm okay.” or “I know that I'm worthwhile.” or “I know that I'm, even if I'm not good at this thing, I'm still a worthy human”, then the person's probably not gonna experience my social anxiety.

They might feel a bit of nervousness or something but it's a different ballgame. So there, we need those. Those are the sort of the fundamental agreements, and not agreements, ingredients for social anxiety. Again, we all know that experience, maybe it's at a party, maybe it's with someone you find attractive, maybe it's with a boss or a supervisor in authority, maybe it's in front of a group of people. I mean, people don't call public speaking social anxiety, when they're afraid to speak in front of a group. But that's what it is that some are afraid of this group of people. The more people, the more there's the potential judgment. Now, I'm more scared. So I think it's pretty prevalent. It's very common. Everyone's got it. It's just a matter of where and how often and how much does it come up for you. 

Now, most people, it comes up in certain areas, and then they feel more relaxed when they're not in that environment. When it starts to get into the more chronic or severe social anxiety, it follows you everywhere you go. You're nervous in a group of people. You're nervous on a date, or if it's severe enough, you might not even engage in these activities, you might not date, which is what I did, I didn't date for many years. I didn't speak up in groups. I wouldn't raise my hand. I wouldn't do all these things. Because the primary way that we deal with it when we're a lot of social anxiety is avoidance. Scary, it feels bad, so I want to avoid it. The problem with that is, the way avoidance works is the more we avoid something, the harder it becomes to confront it. Because we don't have experiences, we don't have evidence that we can handle it, all we see is it's dangerous. I avoided it. Glad I got out of that danger, better avoid it again next time.

To make things worse, the story is if I did speak up, if I did share, if I did ask that person that whatever it is, I would go terribly wrong. By never testing it, we solidify these stories of lack or not enough or unlovability. When people someone's got a long pattern of social anxiety, which the average person with social anxiety, more severe case of it will not seek any help for 10 years. That's unfortunate. That was my case, too. But what I love about social anxiety is though it is such a… people think of it as like a solid thing or “this is who I am, this is my genes” and it is so different than that is so much a pattern. It is a specific pattern that we run. I like to think of it more as a verb than a noun. So it's, I am doing social anxiety and as long as I do these certain patterns, I will have social anxiety and someone who just has more severe diagnosable social anxieties, “Oh, you've just done the patterns for longer and more environments and it's completely changeable. It's completely resolvable” And that doesn't matter. 

I've worked with people that had social anxiety for 40 years, and I've worked with people where it just kind of started to get out of control, maybe in the last year or two. Regardless, it can be changed, as long as someone is willing to make a change in their patterns, and be willing to step by step in a supportive, I love that you brought that up, in a supported way. Confront some of the things that are afraid of be open to things possibly being different, and to bring it back to earlier, to start with transforming their relationship with themselves. Because I know there's a one-to-one correlation, if someone has a high level of social anxiety, they have a high level of inner criticism, very toxic level of inner criticism that I've never seen. Anything other than that. So that's one of the first places we start.

Dr. Lisa: Yeah. It's so important too and I'm glad that you brought up the thing that can happen with social anxiety, or any kind of anxiety really, is that anxiety always leads us to avoid. Well, usually, anxiety can lead to other things, but many times it leads to avoidance. I mean, at a fundamental level, the antidote to anxiety is to move into it and do reality testing and try to do things differently. If you're not giving yourself the opportunity to have different experiences, both inside of yourself or with other people, what happens is that it enshrines anxiety. That anxiety almost gets more and more powerful and more and more true, because it's never, and I say true with my little air quotes here, because it is never questioned, it's never tested. 

It really requires a lot of courage and support, to begin to examine it. To think maybe the story in my head is not the whole truth. Maybe if I do start having a different kind of relationship with myself – treating myself differently – I can feel differently and have different experiences with other people. But it can be scary to start that process because as you brought up so astutely, it feels like an existential threat to do so that something terrible will happen. But I'm glad you're talking about it in this way.

Dr. Aziz: Yeah, absolutely. People think of it as like it's a brick wall, or it's a solid thing, or maybe a cliff is a better metaphor, right? It's real. I like to say instead of it being a brick wall, it's actually more like a curtain or a cloud of vapor, you can walk right through it, and yet, you don't tell someone… Yeah. Right. I love that. Yeah, you could tell someone that they're like, “I don't know, it looks like a wall to me.” That's why I love, love, love the power of groups. For years, I've been doing group work primarily, because it's so inspiring for people to see other people just like them, “Wait a minute, that person took a step in the, you know, towards their fear. Maybe I can, too.” One of my favorite things is, we would do them in person. 

I'm in Portland, Oregon. For this last year, I've been doing them all virtually. But we gather a big group of people, I have a workshop coming up, it's probably maybe 150 of us there. We will, I teach things and help people experience a shift in the room or the virtual room as it were. But then there's always an action step. So we will go out for a 30-minute break, and we're going to go do something. We're going to go test that edge right now. So even if people are alone in their city or whatever, during a virtual event, they come back together, and then we talk about it and we explore it. So what people have is they have an immediate experience. It's no longer theoretical, like, “Oh, I heard that in a book. Maybe I'll try it.” It's like I just did it and here's what happened. 

The way I see it is it's all positive. Either a lot of times people say, “Wow, I did this thing. And I mean, it was so much easier than I thought when I actually did it.” And sometimes people like “I did it, and it was really uncomfortable.” And then I'm still giving them a thumbs up. I'm like, “Great.” And then sometimes people will say, “I went out there and I try and I just, I was so in my head and I was judging myself, and it felt awful. And I failed.” And I still give that a thumbs up because I say, “You know, if you've been avoiding something for years, and you walk around, or you know, I'm gonna pick up the phone, or I'm not and you really wrestle with that edge of action. That already is a win.” Well, I think of it. Yeah, we think of it as like the action it's only a win. If I've leaped over, it's like no, even just getting ready is a huge win. 

We want to reinforce that. If it is really painful and you're beating yourself up, great, let's like let's study that. Let's get really curious. Because that's that's a piece of the social anxiety that you've been running. That's a piece of the pattern piece of the recipe that's been going for 10,20, 30, 50 years. If you discover it right now and you see it, you can start to change it, and that's liberating.

Dr. Lisa: It's so liberating, and I'm glad you are talking about that. So like, verbally with your group, because I think, to what can be very normal and expected, I think, from my perspective and your perspective, but maybe not sometimes for the perspective of our clients, is that if you have been struggling with social anxiety or low self-esteem and avoiding people because of that, that they're called social skills for a reason like there are actually skills involved with talking to people and making conversation and making eye contact. If somebody does this, I say that, and I think that people that have really been holding themselves apart from others, that they get rusty in some of those skills. Then when they do attempt to interact with other humans they may be awash in judgment when they're doing it, but also because they're sort of rusty, and they're like, “Oh, what do I do with my hands right now”, like that whole thing. 

How to Build Confidence in Yourself

Dr. Lisa: But sometimes they do come across as being rusty, and they have experiences with other people that make them think, “Oh, they hated me, I was terrible. That was horrible.”, really kind of needing to reframe that is, “No, this is why we practice is to test it out. And how did it go? And what were you telling yourself in that moment? And how did you feel? And how do they react?”, and really kind of like, using it all as learning opportunities to kind of like really learn how to be with people. I'm glad that you're offering people the opportunity to do that because that can be very hard.

Dr. Aziz: Yeah. Oh, absolutely. That's what comes back to the we need other people, right? Because I'll highlight this in anything I'm teaching where imagine someone picked up the guitar, and they never played the guitar before – they played it maybe a handful times, five, six times in their whole life – then they pick it up. They're like, “I'm gonna play this song.” They can't play the song very well. Do you say… Well, I guess we're the kind of person… Right, it's like, “Well, I guess you're the kind of person who will never, never be good at the guitar. I mean, it's just not that hard for you.” Everyone kind of laughs because they see how absurd that is. But I'll point out that's exactly what we do when we have a couple of conversations. 

What we need to do, and I use the guitar metaphor is if someone wants to get better at the guitar, or my son, he's seven years old right now, he wants to learn how to play chess better, and yet, he doesn't. He hates losing. He hates losing so much even hates losing a piece. Like he was playing this morning with his brother and he lost his queen. He was in tears. He's like, “This is terrible. I'm no good, I lost.” What I'm trying to help him see is like, “Okay, you like to win?” He’s like, “Yeah, I like to win.” I was like, “Okay, you know, how do you think you win?” He's like, “Well, I guess had to play a lot.” “Yeah, that's right, you need to practice a lot.” And so if you practice, like what does that mean to practice a lot, though? I'm unpacking that with him. 

We can see it means making moves when you're not sure if they're good or not, getting feedback, and I lose my piece, and being willing to be messy, being willing to make mistakes, being willing to lose the pieces, being willing to lose games. I'm trying to help him see is that if he if he's willing to fail forward fast, like, the more he's willing to lose the faster and the better he'll become.

Dr. Lisa: Yeah.

Dr. Aziz: That's not just for chess. That's not just for the guitar. That's for social skills. That's for public speaking. That's for being engaging and funny with a group. That's for dating. I mean, that's for every way that we can interact with people.

Dr. Lisa: That's so incredibly powerful. Such an important reminder that that kind of growth mindset, and how do you stay in the ring when it is hard? How do you identify with this idea of practicing is failing, is being uncomfortable, but that incrementally over time, we get stronger, and our skills build, and we feel better? 

I don't know if this is true for you, but in my experience, the core of self-confidence. Yes, part of it is inner dialogue and your core self-belief. But it's like, I think people who have had the experience of observing themselves, doing hard things and like developing competence and not giving up, that turns into this confidence that just is this like, very deeply felt. “Yes, I can.” It's because they have that it's rooted in this experience. To my ear, that is what you're describing.

Dr. Aziz: Yeah, absolutely. I mean, if we think about confidence, the word actually comes from Latin — confidere means with faith. How do we get, how do we have faith? It makes me think. There's a book by Sharon Salzberg about faith. She talks about bright faith versus verified faith, and how we need both in our lives. Bright faith is that it's never been done before. We've never done it before. We just, we feel it’s possible. We're called to it. We hope, we wish. It's a dream and we have to have that because we gotta step into the total unknown sometimes in our lives. We got to do things we've never done before, or at least, hopefully we are for growing and exploring. 

Ideally, bright faith gets turned into verified faith, which is exactly what I hear you talking about is like, “I think it's possible for me to connect, you know, more freely with others and be comfortable in my own skin and laugh and be more focused in the moment and the conversation than on myself. I mean, I think it's possible.” That's the bright faith. But then once we've done it a number of times, once we've done we have to be willing to take those risks. All of a sudden, yeah, you've done it 5, 10, 20, 30 times, and someone's like, “Hey, you want to come to me to this dinner party? You want to come to this thing, this mixer?” Like, “Yeah, okay.” Because I know that you put me in a room full of people and I can interact, I can do that. That's that verified faith that only comes. We earn it, we forge it, we build it.

Dr. Lisa: Yeah. important takeaway. Thank you so much for describing all of that, that's wonderful. I love the chess metaphor, too, with what your son is going through. It's so funny like we try, I'm a mom, to like trying to teach our children this idea of grit. It's really so instrumental in so many aspects of life, particularly when it comes to personal growth. I'm really glad that you're talking about it in that way. Another thing that I wanted to ask you about, too.

We've been talking about the importance of confidence, and we've been talking about the social anxiety piece. But you also wrote another book called “Not Nice”, which is about the overlap, the intersection of struggling with self-confidence or being worried about other people and a tendency to like, people-please, over-give, feel guilty. I'm curious if you could talk a little bit more about how those things are related.

Dr. Aziz: Yeah, absolutely. I believe in a lot of ways that nice, and I called it Not Nice, it's a bit of a controversial title, people might hear that and think I'm suggesting people be jerks or cruel. What I very quickly address literally, unlike, aside from the copyright page and stuff, the first page of the book is a chart that says nice versus not nice, and it's got two columns, and it just really shows the distinction between what I mean by nice and niceness, for the most part, when people are behaving nice. 

They're not actually focused on kindness and generosity. They're focused on being polite. They're focused on not upsetting others, they're focusing on following the rules. They're focusing on getting approval. It's really often coming from a place of fear, rather than love and connection. That's how I'm using the word nice. I say the opposite of nice is not to be a jerk. The opposite of nice is authenticity. It's to be real. It’s to be boldly yourself. You say what's true rather than what's quote, “nice”. Yes, there's so much nuance to it. That's why that book is like 550 pages. There's still more nuance that I couldn't get to about, but I've tried to give a lot of examples of how do we really communicate in a way that's quite, “not nice”, that isn't just kicking down the door and telling everyone they're stupid. There's a way to persevere too, with kindness or with tenacity, keep bringing up a subject, or have the conversation you've been avoiding. 

Like anything else, there's a skill to that, and if we don't do it, we're not going to be good at it right away, we're going to be messy, but we got to lean in. Because what I discovered along the way is that this niceness that I'm talking about is just another form of social anxiety. It's like a more adaptive form. Instead of someone being really avoidant and I'm not going to talk to anybody, I'm just going to live in my apartment and never go out, the nice manifestation of social anxiety is more functional. You have friends, you have family, you have relationships, you have work, you're much more engaged in life, but you're living a persona of the nice person. 

The person or the nice person, it's just a different cage. But you got to say, yes, most of the time, because if you say no, that's mean, that hurts people's feelings, that's selfish, you got to be giving almost all the time. Because, same thing you want to be mean or selfish, you don't want to hurt people's feelings by saying anything too direct or too real. So even if you feel away, or even if you have a perspective, you don't want to share that because that could upset them. What ends up happening is people are engaging with others, but they're not taking these risks. They're not talking about what they really want. They're not saying what they really want. They're not being who they really are. It starts to dead in their experience of life and relationships. It starts to build up frustration, starts to build up chronic health problems It starts to build up resentment inside because we're not able to take care of our needs really effectively.

The other person is walking all over me or taking advantage of me because we're lacking the boundaries and the assertiveness to be for people to really feel where we're at. We were actually being deceptive. We're hiding where we really are. I say I mean that because, like the social anxiety side, then I live with this excessive niceness for many years. It was really detrimental to my relationships, particularly intimate relationships. You can't be excessively nice and truly intimate at the same time. They're not the same thing. Yeah, that became such a common occurrence for myself. Then all the clients I saw this invite, I realized I had to write another book about that.

That book is guiding people on that journey from discovering niceness. Discovering maybe its toxic effect in their life, and then a willingness to step courageously into being more boldly authentic in their lives.

Dr. Lisa: That word that you just used, that courageous word is something that I often think about and talk about with clients. I hear what you're saying that the book is really about reconceptualizing, being nice as really being almost afraid, in some ways of relationships, and again, just sort of another manifestation of not wanting to rock the boat. But in doing so, it really hollows out that emotional intimacy at the core of a relationship. I think it's so, not just easy, but predictable for people who don't talk about how they're feeling and prioritize what they imagined to be the needs of others. Through that niceness, that they can become so resentful, or feel like they're getting walked all over. 

But I tell you what, as a couples counselor, the person on the other side of that often has no idea that they are being experienced, as you know, pushing boundaries or being insensitive or not loving, because their partner isn't talking about it. It's very interesting, like the meaning that people on both sides of that equation can make because somebody is becoming increasingly hostile and withdrawn and resentful, and their partner's like, “What is going on?” Because it isn't getting discussed.

It takes an enormous amount of courage to have those real, authentic conversations, and it feels scary, but boy without it, I think again, people feel like they're protecting their relationships by being nice, but it is exactly the opposite. They are like that mental image that's coming up is like the air being released from a balloon, right? That over time, there's just nothing there. So I'm really glad that you're talking about that.

Dr. Aziz: Yeah, I mean, I think that's a great metaphor about the balloon, just the shell. That's all that's left is all you're left with is the structure of the relationship. No life, no vitality, no energy or passion to it. You're actually…

Dr. Lisa: Writing a real estate. Yeah. 

Dr. Aziz: Yeah, exactly. We're bound by our sales by our stability. That's in a way, that's really what the nice approach is, it's prioritizing too much stability, too much certainty, and not willing to step into the unknown and the uncertainty. That's what people do often in relationships. There's a lot of uncertainty.

In the beginning, “Is this person gonna like me? Are they gonna call me back? “I'm so excited.” Then what we want to do is we want to capture that and make it certain and make it predictable and make it controlled. That leads to structures that try to control it. But that also leads to a lot of our own behavioral patterns. I'm going to say this, but not that I'm, and that's what I see often, especially if you do a lot of couples work, I'm sure you see this, that people have been afraid to be real with each other for the last five years because now they feel like there's quote, “too much at stake.”, and yet, it's kind of like a slow bleed, where maybe you don't have any blowups, but you're losing in the long game. People not knowing that I really have seen that. 

In fact, I have a little metaphor I use in the book about boundaries to see to, and it's a little thought experiment to have the reader reflect on how expressive are you with your boundaries. So I say, imagine you're in your backyard, and your backyard is next to your neighbor's backyard. There's no fence in between just to cut the lawn goes across both. You're sitting in your back porch, and you see your neighbor gets out of his house, and he starts to walk over towards you. He walks into your yard and says, “Hey, how's it going?” As he walks, he walks towards you. He steps on some of the flowers you have in your garden. Then he goes over and there's you have your peach tree in the backyard and he walks over and he looks at your peaches like, “Oh my gosh, your peaches looks so great.” He grabs a peach juicy ripe one and bites into it and keeps walking towards you and says, “How you doing today?” I just say, “What do you do? What do you do in the situation? What's happening? Are you angry about the flowers? Are you upset about the peach? Do you say anything about the flowers? Do you say anything about the peach? Do you feel like, ‘oh, I don't know what to say so I can't say anything.’ Do you mention it?”

It's just a kind of silly thought experiment but it highlights exactly what you're talking about with couples with that person might be like, “What? I'm just being friendly. I'm coming over to say, ‘Hi.’”, and they have no idea they stepped on the flowers. They have no idea you have an issue about the peaches because you never say anything. If we really want to start to live with more freedom, we got to be able to say, “Hey, great to see you. And, you know, I've been saving those peaches, if you want to have some I can give you some but please don't pick on without talking about first though.: It's as simple as that, those little things. 

Sometimes, if someone's been nice for too long, they don't even think it can be that simple. They think it's got to be this huge nuclear combustion of like what you've always been doing the last 10 years is “I hate this about you.” It's like, actually, it's better for it to be more of like a combustion engine than a nuclear bomb going on just little things that you say here and there throughout the day, throughout the week, throughout the month. That might not even seem super confrontational. They're just simple statements, simple questions, that can really get you back on track.

Dr. Lisa: Totally. But again, I mean, going back to your original points about confidence, I can really see how that's so closely related. Because if you doubt yourself, if you feel like you shouldn't say that, if you shouldn't upset. People are working very hard to kind of like maintain relationships because you're pretty sure that people don't like you, or whatever it is. 

It's so hard to talk about how you really feel. There's that understandable, like tendency to withdraw. But that things build up to the point that when you finally do say something, it is World War Three, and you're like screaming at the neighbor for eating a peach, and he's like, “Okay”, back away slowly. It actually does mess up the relationship. So by stepping into that air quote, “conflict”, but that authenticity and talking about how you feel as you go, it's one of the most important things that any of us can do to maintain high-quality relationships. That's fantastic.

Therapy for Low Self-esteem

Dr. Aziz: Yeah, absolutely. That's why just to bring it back to what I was mentioned, the workshops earlier, it's the same thing, and I run a group program that's all about helping people become more, that's called Total Social Freedom. It's about how do we really break out of that lifelong pattern of my avoidance and niceness and social anxiety and just be more free around others. 

What we do is we systematically build a 12-week program. Each week, there's another layer that gets added. I'm a big believer in the gradual exposure. I think, I don't know where it's in there somewhere in the middle of week, six, seven, they have an assignment to say no three times that week. The goal is like instead of having a world war three, you just build the muscle by lifting us like look for something small that you can say no to it's something really small, and the same thing, a couple weeks later, we have them like what's one conversation you could go have? That would feel like it's leaning into that edge, but it's not the most intense conversation in your life. It's just, can you go talk to that person?

I find that if we give people that support to systematically do it, then they start to build that confidence of, “Oh, I can do this, it can go well.” Ultimately, the goal that I have for people is not just to increase their confidence, but as a change in their identity. So they start to say, “Oh, I am the kind of person who can have direct conversations, I am real, I am authentic, I am directed”, becomes who they are. Because then they're going to behave that way more and more and more. Eventually, it just becomes that's their new reality.

Dr. Lisa: Wow, that's really powerful stuff. That experiential component where people are really actively doing that reality testing, like, “Okay, the voice in my head tells me this is going to happen. But when I actually did it, that happened”, and that over time without support are really accumulating this new sort of like encyclopedia of experiences that help them reconceptualize what's real, but most importantly, who they are through that. That's really deeply transformational stuff. That's really great. 

Hey, I know that I know that we don't have a ton of time left and wanting to wrap up. We have talked about the experiential aspect of building confidence, and also the identity pieces communication, circling back around though, so you and I both know, I think from our psychology background that the cognitions that people have around self-concept around how they think. Going back to that idea of how to have a better relationship with yourself. A lot of it is learning or relearning how to talk to yourself and sort of shifting from one kind of inner narrative to a new, more helpful one. 

Dr. Lisa: Are there any things that you've seen over your years of practice that are some usual suspects that people who struggle with confidence usually have going on in terms of their inner narrative and some shifts that you find yourself routinely encouraging people to make like I'm thinking of jumping to conclusions or making assumptions about how other people feel? Or have you seen other things to be more, more impactful?

Dr. Aziz: Sure, absolutely. I mean, at some of the common ones are feeling a sense of certainty about knowing what someone's perception is typically about you like it's the might be called mind-reading and cognitive therapy, take it one step further, I call it projected dislike, where it's not just I know what they're thinking about me, I know, they don't like me.  I just feel it when I walk into the room, and it feels very true. I'm certain of it. I'll even look for evidence and I'll confirm that and look for it, or make it happen in some way. 

We often bring about those reactions to us. Because of that, I think there's a lot going on nonverbally, energetically, emotionally. I think the more they study thought, it's really fascinating how much thought can be measured. So thought can be measured as waves if they put device, EG, on your, on your scalp, for example. But there's also it's a squid, have you heard of that one, the super quantum interference device, where they can have…

Dr. Lisa: Are you talking about particles behaving differently when people observe the experiment or not?

Dr. Aziz: This one is actually it's a, if we could find it, it's if you look it up online, that seven liter like squid, reading thoughts or something. It's like a device that's measuring something in the quantum realm. I'm not going to really understand the physics of it, but they can basically measure your thoughts from outside of your head. So the idea is if we have enough refined instrumentation, that probably are already discovering and probably going to continue to discover that your thoughts are emanating out of you beyond the boundary of your skin beyond your own head. 

It's the same thing with like the energetic field of the human heart has been measured out, like 10 feet or more than the roots 30 feet, I don't know. So this idea that we're like all self-contained is a sort of a outdated reality. What's much more true is we're an interactive field with the space around us and the people around us. So when we have these very like self-judgmental, self-critical unmet enough thoughts, we're actually bringing about more of that reaction to us. 

Dr. Lisa: Yeah.

Dr. Aziz: Then it gets real murky because really it’s “Aha! I knew it, you see?” So we really want to intervene on that one that jumping to the conclusion that people don't like me. What I always help people with that one on is, you think it's about them, it's about you, and you not liking you, or maybe more specifically, a part of you inside judges you. So what are you judging yourself? That's one of the first things that we start with people like, what's your list? What's your, I like to probably talk my books out of things, I like to take stuff that's maybe more complex, or I don't like to use a lot of psychological jargon with people, because I like to keep it very simple so people can just pick it up and run with it and tell say, “Let's make a why I suck list.” You have that, right? What is that for you? Because we have to start looking at what this grudge list that people have been holding against themselves for decades, ostensibly to make themselves better, or to pressure themselves into growing or whatever weak story is there. But we got to face that we got to start looking at that. We need to bring in a lot of that on my own side work. That's self-compassion work. 

One of the ways I'll have them do that is to start to dialogue with that critical voice too, and have a book called, On My Own Side, which guides people how to do this, where they can dialogue with that voice. Start to find the fear and vulnerability underneath that part and start to really get to the core of it, which is usually some sort of pain that's underneath that hypercritical voice and really meet themselves with a lot more love, a lot more patience, a lot more compassion, a lot more humanity. Then as they do that, it starts to melt away this chronic assumption that people are against me because you no longer are against you. You can start to see a lot more clearly.

Dr. Lisa: Yeah. Wow, powerful stuff, man. Just I feel like we could talk for two more hours about just all of these things that you brought up at the end about how we can really, through our thoughts and expectations, almost create the experiences with other people that support our preconceived ideas, which are based on how we feel about ourselves, not actually how others feel that it is a projection. That by really understanding that wounded part of yourself and having a dialogue with it and getting to know it compassionately. That's a very powerful path of healing.

Dr. Aziz: Yes, well said absolutely. 

Dr. Lisa: Yes. Good stuff. Gosh, well, thank you so much for sharing all of your insights and perspectives on this important topic with us. Again, I feel like there's a lot more to talk about so if you would ever like to come back and continue this conversation, the door is open. 

Dr. Aziz: I would love that! A part two. 

Dr. Lisa: Yeah, a part two. But in the meantime, I'm sure my listeners are very interested in everything that you had to say. If any of you would like the opportunity to learn more about Dr. Aziz or his books, or his courses, or his groups, or all other fun stuff he has going on out. There's also a podcast called Shrink for the Shy Guy podcast. You can find them all at DrAziz.com. Is there anywhere else that they should follow you? Are you on social media or anything like that?

Dr. Aziz: Yeah, I mean the website will link to all those things. But I'd say I'm probably most active on YouTube, we have usually one to two videos that come out each week where I'm teaching stuff for free, a lot of insights. Usually, what I'll do is I'll take run a lot of groups. So I'll take some of the key insights and teachings from the groups and then record videos that I think are gonna help everyone based on what we're doing in those. 

So that's a great way to get active to get support. So yeah, the website is a great place to start. You can look it up on look me up on YouTube, as well, more than the podcast, but any place that you want to get plugged in. I mean, that's why I'm doing this is to reach people who think, “Oh, this is who I am. I'm just I've been this way for x years. And I guess that's it.” I guess the final message I would have is like you don't have to settle. 

The past doesn't equal the future. In many ways, it's irrelevant how long you've struggled with something. If you're willing, you can make shifts really fast and not just manage it, but truly transform your experience of being around others. To really start to experience a level of intimacy and connection with yourself with others that gives life depth and meaning and fulfillment. That's absolutely possible. It's absolutely your birthright if you're willing to claim it.

Dr. Lisa: Wonderful. What a beautiful note to land on. Thank you again, so much for spending this time with me today. It's really been a pleasure. 

Dr. Aziz: Absolutely. Thank you.

Episode Highlights

  • How to be Kind to Yourself
    • You need to learn to work with the voice inside your head describing how you treat yourself and think of yourself.
    • As you take the risk to become more real and vulnerable, you can experience a fundamental shift where “you are on your own side.”
    • To transform in a fundamental way, you need to involve other people such as counseling, groups, a friend, or your life partner.
  • Signs of Social Anxiety
    • Social anxiety is typically a fear of being judged, disliked, and rejected. Underneath that is the belief that we are unworthy and unlovable.
    • The primary way we deal with social anxiety is avoidance.  And the more we avoid problems, the harder it becomes to confront it.
    • The way to deal with social anxiety is to test it. You need to be able to confirm that you are not unworthy and not unlovable.
  • How to Build Confidence in Yourself
    • You would need someone to give you feedback. Someone who you can be messy with, make mistakes and be vulnerable to.
    • The more you are willing to lose, the faster and the better you'll become.
    • You would need bright and verified faith. Bright faith is the feeling that an action is possible without having done it before. It then turns into verified faith when you have accomplished the task several times.
  • Therapy for Low Self-esteem
    • An example is a 12-week program where gradual exposure is used.
    • The participants are encouraged to find small things that they can say ‘no’ to. This would result in being able to have authentic and better conversations with other people.

How to Be Happy

How to Be Happy

What Brings You Joy?

[social_warfare]

A JOYFUL LIFE | Do you ever feel like you've lost touch with what really makes you happy? Or like you spend all of your time doing what you have to do, and almost never things that you want to do? Or, like so many people, do you go through your days with a vague sense of dissatisfaction — feeling like even on good days, they could somehow be better?

If so, you're in good company. So many of our life coaching and therapy clients come to us with exactly this situation: They just want to feel happy. They want to feel good about themselves, and their lives. They want to feel connected to others, and like they have meaning and purpose in their lives.

But they currently don't.

Too many adults, especially conscientious, hardworking, responsible and successful adults, spend so much time meeting their commitments to others they start to lose sight of who they really are, and what they like to do for fun.

It's an easy slide: Especially as you “adult,” growing into a career with more responsibility, settle into a marriage, and start welcoming children into the world, you life starts to be more about all the other people you have depending on you than it is about you. Over time it stops feeling like “life is good” and more like, “I have so much to do.” Can you relate? (Lisa raises hand)

Many men and women spend their entire days, morning to night, doing things that they need to do, or to be of service in the lives of others — be it a boss, a business, a spouse or a kid. Even the darn dog needs something!

Who has time for fun?

Sometimes I ask a Denver therapy client or an online life coaching client, “What do you do for fun?” and I get a blank look, a stutter, or a reddening face. (This is especially true of my American clients. I do work with people all over the world for online life coaching and the Europeans with their six weeks a year of paid vacation can often tell me exactly what they do for fun!)

How to Be Happy Again

So this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success is all about YOU: and helping you get reconnected with your authentic happiness so you can experience a more joyful life. As always, I'll be offering some insight, new ways of thinking, and actionable ideas you can start using today.

Specifically, we'll be discussing:

  • What the current “science of happiness” has to say about what moves the happiness needle… and what does not.
  • The biggest hidden culprit getting in between you and a joyful life
  • Simple strategies to get reconnected with the real you (who IS still in there!)
  • Why you can't buy happiness, but where to invest your resources to cultivate more joy
  • Life hacks to make more space in your life for fun and play

I hope this discussion helps YOU reconnect with your true self and what makes you most happy. You deserve it.

All the best,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

[social_warfare]

Listen & Subscribe to the Podcast

How to Create a Joyful Life

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

Enjoy the Podcast?

Please rate and review the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

iTunes

Stitcher

Google Play

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She's the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

Let's  Talk

More Love, Happiness & Success Advice 

How to Repair Your Self Esteem After a Breakup

How to Repair Your Self Esteem After a Breakup

How to Repair Your Self Esteem After a Breakup

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She's the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

Has Your Breakup or Divorce Shattered Your Self Esteem?

Hands down, one of the most horrible parts about going through a bad breakup or divorce is the way it mangles your self-esteem. I know from so many years as a therapist and life coach, that many people experience post-divorce depression (or post-breakup depression). There are many parts to this experience: Grief and loss, or feeling overwhelmed by all the practical aspects of putting your life back together.

However, for most people, the most terrible depression after a breakup comes when it damages your self-esteem and makes you start to feel bad about yourself.

If you've been feeling down on yourself since your relationship ended I want you to know something right off the bat, feeling this way does not mean that you're actually “less than.”

I talk to a LOT of people about the most vulnerable parts of their life. I know for a fact that even the most gorgeous, amazing, successful people second-guess themselves after a divorce or breakup. Even the most naturally confident, strong, and reasonable among us — in the throes of a devastating break up — still have these types of horrible, torturous conversations with themselves in their darkest moments:

  • Anxious Thought: “Why did this relationship fail?” Self-Esteem Crushing Answer: Because of all your personal shortcomings and the mistakes you made in this marriage or relationship.
  • Anxious Thought: “Why doesn't the person I love more than anything want to be with me anymore?” Self Esteem Crushing Answer: Because you aren't interesting / fun / sexy / smart / successful enough.
  • Anxious Thought: “Why didn't my Ex care enough about me to treat me better while we were together?” Self Esteem Crushing Answer: Because you're just not that worthy or lovable.
  • Anxious Thought: “Why did my Ex cheat on me or get together with someone new?” Self Esteem Crushing Answer: Because that someone new is much more interesting, attractive, worthy of love and respect. Basically, they're just a better person than you.

If you're going through a bad breakup, chances are you're probably nodding to yourself as you see this self-destructive internal dialogue put to paper. You've probably been being tortured by these ideas too.

And it's making you feel terrible about yourself.

But, believe it or not, as bad as that is…. that's not even the most toxic, ruinous thing that can happen to your already fragile self-esteem in the aftermath of a traumatic break-up.

The most terrible thing is not when your Ex betrays you or mistreats you. It's not even when you blame yourself for why it didn't work out, or torture yourself with ongoing commentary about all of your shortcomings and failures.

The Most Destructive Part of a Breakup: Breaking Your Trust in Yourself

Yes, your self-esteem gets throttled when you feel rejected, or blame yourself for what went wrong. But it gets ground up into sausage and squished into the dirt when you betray or mistreat yourself in the aftermath of a terrible breakup:

  • When you fail to protect yourself from a toxic or abusive Ex.
  • When you do things that you're ashamed of… all in desperate efforts to even briefly escape the pain of heartbreak, and reconnect with your Ex.
  • When you keep contacting or spying on your Ex through social media, even when you know you shouldn't.
  • When you are still sleeping or hooking up with your Ex, even when you feel more devastated afterward.
  • When your mental and emotional energy is still completely focused on your Ex, and your mood for the entire day (not to mention your worth as a person) depends on what they are doing or not doing.
  • When you are compromising your ethics, morals, and self-respect in efforts to regain the love and approval of your Ex.

This darkness is not something that usually gets discussed openly. But it's very real and very destructive to your long term health, your happiness, and your self-worth. And as you know only too well if you're going through it, you need support and compassion on your path of healing and recovery.

I have spent years helping broken-hearted people with divorce and break-up recovery counseling and coaching, and poured through oceans of research to write my book, “Exaholics: Breaking your addiction to an Ex Love.” I've spent years helping my private clients heal their self-esteem in the aftermath of a bad breakup, and now we're addressing it today on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.

On today's show, I'm going to help you understand how your self-esteem was damaged, and how to develop new compassion and empathy for yourself. We're also going to discuss the five steps to healing your self-esteem after a breakup so that you can start putting yourself back together again.

I hope that this helps support you on your journey of growth and healing.

xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

PS: In this podcast, we discuss a number of resources. Here are links to all the breakup recovery resources I shared:

My private Online Breakup Support Group on Facebook. (It's a hidden group, so you have to request access).
Exaholics.com
Online Breakup Recovery Program: www.breakup-recovery.com
Book: Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to An Ex Love

PJ Harvey: To Bring You My Love, and book (poetry collection) The Hollow Of The Hand

Listen & Subscribe to the Podcast

How To Repair Your Self Esteem After a Breakup

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

Enjoy the Podcast?

Please rate and review the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

iTunes

Stitcher

Google Play

 

 

Real Help, To Move You Forward

 

Everyone experiences challenges, but only some people recognize these moments as opportunities for growth and positive change.

 

 

Working with an expert therapist or life coach can help you understand yourself more deeply, get a fresh perspective, grow as a person, and become empowered to create positive change in yourself, your relationships and your life.

 

 

Start your journey of growth today by scheduling a free consultation.

What To Do When You Hate Your Job

What To Do When You Hate Your Job

Do You Hate Your Job?

Do you struggle with “Sunday Evening Blues?” Do you slap your alarm fifteen times to postpone the inevitable waking up, into another day of stressful / boring / annoying work? Do you feel like you're screwing up at your job? Do you struggle with office politics? Do you feel like you're wasting your life? If your answer is “yes” to any of these questions — you're in luck today! On this episode of The Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I'm speaking with my colleague Dr. Kristi, a Denver Career Coach, and online career coach who has lots of great ideas to help you.

Listen now and get career advice on how to:

  • Figure out whether you can make changes with the job you have to make it better (or whether you need to quit and move on).
  • Figure out what your true calling is (FYI: It may involve mermaids).
  • Use strategic tests and assignments to understand what type of career you'll be most happy with
  • Manage on-the job stress and anxiety, and challenging work-relationships
  • Make a practical plan to start a satisfying new career

What To Do If You Hate Your Job: Listen Now

Loading...