Couples Communication Strategies For Stressful Times
Communication Skills For Couples Under Stress
As an experienced online marriage counselor and therapist who has been doing Denver marriage counseling for many years, I know that couples communication can feel challenging under the best of circumstances.
Couples Communication Can Be Challenging Anyway
Many couples struggle with effective couples communication that helps each person feel heard, cared for, and understood. Couples always come to the table with different communication styles, attachment styles, and ways of relating that can lead to misunderstandings, and hurt feelings. It’s hard to communicate with a withdrawn partner, and it’s also hard to connect with someone who is emotionally flooded.
All married couples and cohabitating couples face these issues, and need to intentionally learn how to practice positive communication strategies in order to achieve the kind of “love your relationship” experience they want to have.
Couples Communication is Harder When You’re Both Stressed
This is true for all couples under the best of circumstances. As we say around here, “Great relationships don’t just happen — they’re grown!” But as lives, relationships, jobs and families have been upended due to the mental and emotional reality of coronavirus quarantine… these are not the best of circumstances.
Just the opposite. Couples all over the world are suddenly in a situation where they are together 24/7, and having to reconfigure everything including their daily routines, re-work boundaries, wrangle suddenly ever-present children needing to be homeschooled, re-organize their homes to accommodate seven cases of canned soup, cope with a sudden loss or significant drop in income, and, oh yeah, figure out how to stay physically safe from the invisible threat wafting through the air. (How to Manage Coronavirus Anxiety, right here.)
Others among us are coping with even harder things like a loved one who is on the front lines as a medical professional, first responder, or grocery store worker at risk of contracting coronavirus as they work to serve their communities. Still other families are now grappling with loved ones getting sick, becoming gravely ill, or losing their lives to coronavirus.
I could feel my shoulders tense up as I just sat here typing the words, and — friends — this is now our shared experience.
Don’t Let Coronavirus Ruin Your Relationship
Going back to my first point: Good communication can feel hard for couples anyway, but when you’re both grappling with enormous amounts of stress it can make positive communication even harder…. And at a time when you both need it the most.
Communication can build your relationship up, or it can tear it apart. Today’s podcast is all about helping you turn towards each other right now, and it starts with the way you talk to each other.
Couples Communication That Connects
It’s exactly at times like these that you need to be able to turn towards your partner and feel that they care about you, are listening to you, and are an emotionally safe person for you. It’s vital that you feel like your partner understands you, and is responsive to you — showing you that they love you, in the ways that matter the most. The world may be crazy, but as long as you have the love and support of your number one person, it can all seem more manageable.
Men and Women Handle Stress Differently
However, here’s the rub: Stress, predictably, makes it harder for any of us to be the compassionate, patient, unconditionally loving person our partner needs us to be. We all cope with stress in different ways. Sometimes it’s along gender lines with men and women handling stress differently, but these differences can lead to emotional mis-matches and a communication gap between couples. This can lead both partners to feel disconnected from each other at the time they need each other the most.
Communication Tips For Couples Under Stress
To help you improve your communication during this stressful time, I asked my colleague, online marriage counselor and relationship coach Silas Hendrich, M.S., MFT-C to join me on the latest episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast to share his couples counseling communication tips, and some of the communication exercises for couples that he does with his clients.
Actionable Relationship Advice
Silas was incredibly generous with his relationship advice and his perspective. He is uniquely situated to provide fantastic relationship advice for any couple having communication problems right now, because 1) he’s a man, with great insights into how to understand men and how they deal with stress and 2) Silas is trained in the evidence-based Gottman Method of marriage counseling, which emphasizes couples communication training and positive communication skills for couples.
- How some people (often men) tend to internalize stress and withdraw
- How some people (often women) tend to exernalize stress and need to talk
- How this (predictibly!) creates a communication gap and emotional mis-match
- How to stop the ensuing pursue / withdraw cycle and start connecting again
- How couples can understand each other so they can be more compassionate with each other
- Exercises that couples can do to improve communication
- How to get on the same page and create agreements and understanding
- Ways of communicating with your partner in tense moments so that you can grow closer as a couple, instead of creating conflict
Communicate To Connect
I was so grateful to Silas for sharing so much really useful information for how to improve your communication when you’re both stressed. Better communication between couples leads to emotional safety and a more secure emotional foundation for both of you, and for your families too. We’re all powerless to change our current harrowing circumstances, but having a safe harbor of support and comfort in your marriage can help you get through this — together.
I sincerely hope that the excellent, actionable communication tips Silas shared are helpful to both of you right now.
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, LP, LMFT, BCC & Silas Hendrich, M.S., MFT-C
Listen & Subscribe to the Podcast
Couples Communication Strategies For Stressful Times
Spread the Love Happiness & Success
Please Rate, Review & Share the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.
Getting back together with your ex means weighing the good and bad of your previous relationship together. Utah Couples Therapist and Online Breakup Recovery Coach, Kensington Osmond shares how to navigate the stages of getting back together.
Long distance relationships are growing in popularity, but is a LDR right for you? Online couples counselor and Denver marriage therapist, Jenna Peterson, M.A., MFTC shares the pros and cons of long distance relationships. Read here!
On this episode of the podcast, learn how to break free from a codependent relationship dynamic so that you and your partner can both grow, flourish, and cultivate healthy interdependence.
No one teaches you how to have a great relationship. Documentary filmmaker Roger Nygard shares what seven years of research uncovered about what happy couples know. He’s here to share it all with you, on this episode of the podcast.
Don’t let fights about money ruin your holidays. Learn how to use empathy and understanding to get on the same page around finances.
Even if you know that your toxic relationship will only cause you pain and misery, it can still be very hard to walk away. Learn how to take your power back, on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.
If you are in a long-term relationship and you are looking for ways to set your relationship up for success, Utah couples therapist and online premarital counselor, Kensington Osmond shares the importance of pre-engagement counseling here!
Has it felt challenging for you to get the respect you deserve on the job? Today’s episode is all about helping you gain influence and power in your professional role. Listen, for insights for how to cultivate empowerment in the workplace — both as a striver on your way up, and as an empowering leader dedicated to cultivating talent.
Have you ever felt like you were walking on eggshells around your partner? Like no matter what you say, it is taken as a criticism and erupts in defensiveness or walking away? Stephanie Oliver, M.A., UKCP Family and Systemic Therapist, shares why this feeling is so common in relationships and what you and your partner can do to heal your relationship.
Being honest with yourself is a fundamental part of authentic personal growth… but it can be hard to do. Today’s podcast with therapist and life coach Josephine Marin can help you get clarity about your authentic truth so that you can move forward fearlessly.