Navigating the Post-Divorce Stages of Grief

Navigating the Post-Divorce Stages of Grief

Navigating the Post-Divorce Stages of Grief

Healing After heartbreak

This year in particular has been one of loss for many of us. You may have lost a loved one, or even just been mourning the many ‘normal ways of life’ that have perhaps irrevocably been lost.  

While navigating the stressful terrain of this year, as a therapist and online life coach I have been working with clients who have also been going through things like coping with job loss, infertility and pregnancy loss, and breakups. If you’ve been through or are going through a divorce or long-term relationship breakup, you should know that it will include a grieving process. I often tell my clients that a breakup can be conceptualized as the “death” of a relationship, and that it can be helpful to use the stages of grief to help move through all of the painful emotions that can arise. 

Before I go through the stages, I want to emphasize that just like when you’re grieving the death of a loved one, grief is a personal and unique experience. You may not go through all of these stages, you may go back and forth between some, and you may have some entirely new emotions come up. We use models like this one by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross to help make sense of the complicated and intense emotions involved, and to remind us that grief is a process we must move through, no matter how bumpy, to get to a place of peace and acceptance.  

With each stage below, I’ve provided an action takeaway that may serve as a helpful tool to navigate through it.

1. Shock and Denial

When relationships end in a sudden way, they can certainly cause shock and denial, as you begin to process the reality of this new life change. When I’ve worked with clients who are looking for support freshly out of a breakup, they’ve brought up things like feeling numb, helpless and generally out of control. Even when there is a longer, considered process that results in the decision to get a divorce or break-up, the weight of an ending can still result in these kinds of feelings. You may also be experiencing these feelings if you’re considering ending your relationship, and finding it difficult to make the decision.  

  • Action Takeaway: Sit down with your journal and start writing a eulogy for the relationship. Ask yourself: Why did this relationship need to end? Where were the highlights, positive moments, and the things you will miss? What were the lowlights, the hurtful, negative, or unacceptable parts? My hope for you is that you will be able to create a “funeral” or ritual of some sort where you can allow the reality of this life-changing moment to be fully felt and processed by your mind, body, and heart. 

 

2. Pain and Guilt

This is the stage where the pain of the breakup can feel overwhelming. You may have lost your closest support system in the ending of your relationship, and it can be a devastating time to be experiencing this pain. You may feel like you are “overflowing” with pain, and that you will never be okay. You may also experience feeling like your friends and family are “tired” of listening and supporting you, and appear to have moved on from this life-changing event that has happened to you.  

It’s important to know that feeling pain, guilt, overwhelming sadness or hopelessness are completely normal and needed for you to continue to process the breakup. It can be really helpful to talk with a counselor or coach who is experienced in breakup recovery, as they will know how to support you during this time. Your family and friends are there to support you, but  they also may have moved into a different stage in their own experience of the end of your relationship (especially when they were a close “part” of the relationship). Because of this, they may not fully be able to understand where you currently are in your process. 

  • Action Takeaway 1: Talk to a counselor or coach. You may have also taken a real hit to your self-esteem during this experience, and a counselor or breakup recovery coach can give you a safe space to explore your feelings and process your emotions. 
  • Action Takeaway 2: Express, express, express. Journal, cry in the shower, scream into your pillow, throw some paint on a canvas, go axe-throwing, anything to get that energy and emotions flowing out of you. They’re bubbling up and they want to come out! The more you push them down and away, the more they will simmer and bubble up. It’s Okay to Cry: How to Handle Big Emotions and How Difficult Emotions Lead to Growth talk more about the darker emotions that we experience and the process that they bring us through into new growth. Check these two articles out if this is a difficult area for you. 

 

3.  Anger and Bargaining

Many of my clients are somewhere between the pain and anger stages when they come to me for breakup recovery coaching. The Anger and Bargaining stage may be when you have thoughts like “I should have done X differently” or “What if I had noticed Y years ago, maybe I could have done something differently” or “I just can’t understand or accept why they did Z”. This is likely when it becomes even harder to reach out to the people around you. You may be spiraling, experiencing intrusive thoughts, and finding it hard to manage the anger or other intense emotions, and people around you may be finding it harder to support you. 

  • Action Takeaway: Write a letter to your Ex, expressing what you’re most angry or hurt about. Try the prompts: What feels hardest to forgive? What did you need from them that you didn’t get? Then, tell your Ex how you grew, both through your time together in the relationship, as well as through the breakup. This letter is for your eyes only, so feel free to share all your thoughts and feelings – you’re the one who is holding the anger, it will help you to release it. 

"I have tried counseling for about a decade with various counselors and have never been able to connect or grow with them. [My Growing Self Coach] has connected with me genuinely and helped me grow more in two meetings then several counselors have done in a decade.”

— Coaching Client

 

4. Depression and Loneliness 

This stage can be a really low period, especially when it has become harder to feel supported from people in your life. You may also just feel drained from all the other exhausting emotions you’ve been going through. And again, you have just lost an important person in your life. It can be so easy to fall into a demoralized, hopeless place where you feel really alone. This is sometimes the stage people are in when they have reached out for breakup recovery support, and what has helped my clients is to know that I can empathize and bear witness to this grief, and really join them in a time that they may feel most alone.  

  • Action Takeaway: Pick up your phone and reach out to someone. Whether it’s a friend, family member, or someone like a breakup recovery coach or counselor, you need to help yourself by reminding yourself that you are not alone. If you feel really low, even just sending a text message to someone saying “I’m feeling like crap today” and letting them know that it doesn’t have to be a full conversation. You would want your loved ones to know that they could count on you to just listen and be there with you for a bit, wouldn’t you? Trust me, they feel the same about you.

 

5. The Upward Turn

The passing of time, processing your emotions, and support, will eventually bring you to a point where the most intense emotions have subsided, and you can begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You may feel more calm, and you may finally feel hopeful and positive.  

  • Action Takeaway 1: When you feel negative emotions or thoughts coming up, engage in healthy distractions like calling a friend, reading, a fun physical activity, or doing something productive.
  • Action Takeaway 2: Practice mindfulness skills that help you stay in the present moment and use thought-stopping techniques to keep you from ruminating or spiraling into negative thoughts.

 

6. Reconstruction and Healing

Just like the stages of grief are not necessarily linear, the process of healing, reconstruction, and building yourself up will be bumpy. And just like grieving a death, the painful parts of a breakup may never completely go away. You want to continue to cultivate the feelings of peace when thinking about your old relationship, and embrace the lessons you’ve learned about yourself and about what you hope for in a future relationship.  

  • Action Takeaway: It’s time to really work on building up your self-esteem. Intentionally reflect on your positive qualities, the accomplishments in your life thus far, the personal strengths and gifts you are proud of, and what others appreciate the most about you. Make some space to engage in self-care, whatever that looks like for you. Spend time with loved ones and enjoy being able to feel lighter and more peaceful. 

 

7. Acceptance and Hope

This is the stage that I love to see my clients get to – a gradual acceptance of the end of the relationship, and feelings of positivity and hopefulness about the future. And yet, even when they have processed through most of their most intense emotions, come to accept and feel peace about the ending of the relationship, it is not uncommon that some of the earlier stages can come up again. A special day, a memory, a sentimental item in your home, may trigger some pain, sadness, anger, or betrayal. This is normal. Lean into the positive thoughts and feelings and notice the evidence in yourself of how far you have come from the earlier stages of grief. 

  • Action Takeaway: Use the learning and growth you’ve gone through during this grieving process and continue to work on your self-development, your goals for yourself and for a future relationship, and celebrate the resilience and strength that you have gained by going through such a painful experience! 

 

I’m sure you’ve faced a number of losses in your life, and are likely to face many more. It’s simply part of our human experience. I hope that, whatever stage of grief you’re in now, you found something useful here. Ultimately, grieving the loss of a relationship will be painful, and when you allow the process to take place and go through the stages of grief, it can result in remarkable growth, clarity about what you want to bring into your life next, and resilience.

Wishing you strength, support and wellness,
Sharmishtha

Life Coach - Career Coach - Hindi Speaking Therapist

Sharmishtha Gupta, M.A., LMHC is a warm, validating counselor and coach who can help you uncover your strengths, get clear about who you are, heal your spirit, and attain the highest and best in yourself and your relationships. 

Sharmishtha offers breakup support coaching and divorce recovery coaching. She is an excellent life coach and individual counselor and can help you get clear about what you want, heal from past experiences, and move forward into a happier, healthier future. 

 

 

Real Help, To Move You Forward

 

Everyone experiences challenges, but only some people recognize these moments as opportunities for growth and positive change.

 

 

Working with an expert therapist or life coach can help you understand yourself more deeply, get a fresh perspective, grow as a person, and become empowered to create positive change in yourself, your relationships and your life.

 

 

Start your journey of growth today by scheduling a free consultation.

Related Post

Leaving Toxic Relationship?

Leaving Toxic Relationship?

If you’ve been trapped in a toxic relationship it can be hard to leave. Getting support, perspective and insight from others can help you find the clarity you need to break free. Shannon Ashley is a toxic relationship survivor, and she’s on the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast with an empowering message of growth and healing….

Let’s Talk About YOU

Let’s Talk About YOU

Relationship questions? Communication questions? Breakup questions? Therapy questions? We’re tackling them ALL on the latest episode of the podcast.

Why Friendships End

Why Friendships End

Have you lost a cherished friend? Or are you struggling with an increasingly toxic friendship? Learn why, and what to do about it, on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.

How to Let Go of Anger

How to Let Go of Anger

There is a time and place for healthy anger, and getting stuck in anger can keep you anchored to a painful past. Learn how to release anger and reclaim yourself, on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.

How to Break Up With Someone You Love

How to Break Up With Someone You Love

Breaking up is always hard to do, but especially when you care very much for your person and don’t want to hurt them. Learn how to use compassionate honesty to liberate both of you, on this edition of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.

Should You Have Sex With Your Ex?

Should You Have Sex With Your Ex?

Are you stuck in a post-breakup purgatory of hanging out, hooking up or even cohabitating with your Ex? Learn how to set yourself free, on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.

How to Repair Your Self Esteem After a Breakup

How to Repair Your Self Esteem After a Breakup

How to Repair Your Self Esteem After a Breakup

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

Has Your Breakup or Divorce Shattered Your Self Esteem?

Hands down, one of the most horrible parts about going through a bad breakup or divorce is the way it mangles your self-esteem. I know from so many years as a therapist and life coach, that many people experience post-divorce depression (or post-breakup depression). There are many parts to this experience: Grief and loss, or feeling overwhelmed by all the practical aspects of putting your life back together.

However, for most people, the most terrible depression after a breakup comes when it damages your self-esteem and makes you start to feel bad about yourself.

If you’ve been feeling down on yourself since your relationship ended I want you to know something right off the bat, feeling this way does not mean that you’re actually “less than.”

I talk to a LOT of people about the most vulnerable parts of their life. I know for a fact that even the most gorgeous, amazing, successful people second-guess themselves after a divorce or breakup. Even the most naturally confident, strong, and reasonable among us — in the throes of a devastating break up — still have these types of horrible, torturous conversations with themselves in their darkest moments:

  • Anxious Thought: “Why did this relationship fail?” Self-Esteem Crushing Answer: Because of all your personal shortcomings and the mistakes you made in this marriage or relationship.
  • Anxious Thought: “Why doesn’t the person I love more than anything want to be with me anymore?” Self Esteem Crushing Answer: Because you aren’t interesting / fun / sexy / smart / successful enough.
  • Anxious Thought: “Why didn’t my Ex care enough about me to treat me better while we were together?” Self Esteem Crushing Answer: Because you’re just not that worthy or lovable.
  • Anxious Thought: “Why did my Ex cheat on me or get together with someone new?” Self Esteem Crushing Answer: Because that someone new is much more interesting, attractive, worthy of love and respect. Basically, they’re just a better person than you.

If you’re going through a bad breakup, chances are you’re probably nodding to yourself as you see this self-destructive internal dialogue put to paper. You’ve probably been being tortured by these ideas too.

And it’s making you feel terrible about yourself.

But, believe it or not, as bad as that is…. that’s not even the most toxic, ruinous thing that can happen to your already fragile self-esteem in the aftermath of a traumatic break-up.

The most terrible thing is not when your Ex betrays you or mistreats you. It’s not even when you blame yourself for why it didn’t work out, or torture yourself with ongoing commentary about all of your shortcomings and failures.

The Most Destructive Part of a Breakup: Breaking Your Trust in Yourself

Yes, your self-esteem gets throttled when you feel rejected, or blame yourself for what went wrong. But it gets ground up into sausage and squished into the dirt when you betray or mistreat yourself in the aftermath of a terrible breakup:

  • When you fail to protect yourself from a toxic or abusive Ex.
  • When you do things that you’re ashamed of… all in desperate efforts to even briefly escape the pain of heartbreak, and reconnect with your Ex.
  • When you keep contacting or spying on your Ex through social media, even when you know you shouldn’t.
  • When you are still sleeping or hooking up with your Ex, even when you feel more devastated afterward.
  • When your mental and emotional energy is still completely focused on your Ex, and your mood for the entire day (not to mention your worth as a person) depends on what they are doing or not doing.
  • When you are compromising your ethics, morals, and self-respect in efforts to regain the love and approval of your Ex.

This darkness is not something that usually gets discussed openly. But it’s very real and very destructive to your long term health, your happiness, and your self-worth. And as you know only too well if you’re going through it, you need support and compassion on your path of healing and recovery.

I have spent years helping broken-hearted people with divorce and break-up recovery counseling and coaching, and poured through oceans of research to write my book, “Exaholics: Breaking your addiction to an Ex Love.” I’ve spent years helping my private clients heal their self-esteem in the aftermath of a bad breakup, and now we’re addressing it today on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.

On today’s show, I’m going to help you understand how your self-esteem was damaged, and how to develop new compassion and empathy for yourself. We’re also going to discuss the five steps to healing your self-esteem after a breakup so that you can start putting yourself back together again.

I hope that this helps support you on your journey of growth and healing.

xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

PS: In this podcast, we discuss a number of resources. Here are links to all the breakup recovery resources I shared:

My private Online Breakup Support Group on Facebook. (It’s a hidden group, so you have to request access).
Exaholics.com
Online Breakup Recovery Program: www.breakup-recovery.com
Book: Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to An Ex Love

PJ Harvey: To Bring You My Love, and book (poetry collection) The Hollow Of The Hand

Listen & Subscribe to the Podcast

How To Repair Your Self Esteem After a Breakup

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

Enjoy the Podcast?

Please rate and review the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

iTunes

Stitcher

Google Play

 

 

Real Help, To Move You Forward

 

Everyone experiences challenges, but only some people recognize these moments as opportunities for growth and positive change.

 

 

Working with an expert therapist or life coach can help you understand yourself more deeply, get a fresh perspective, grow as a person, and become empowered to create positive change in yourself, your relationships and your life.

 

 

Start your journey of growth today by scheduling a free consultation.

How to Stop Obsessing About Your Ex’s New Relationship

How to Stop Obsessing About Your Ex’s New Relationship

How to Stop Obsessing About Your Ex’s New Relationship

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

HOW TO STOP OBSESSING ABOUT YOUR EX’S NEW RELATIONSHIP: Until now you’ve been handling your divorce or break-up process well. You’ve gone through the confusion of whether to stay or go, and all the angst and hard decisions that come with leaving. But you’ve been coping.

Then you found out that your Ex is sleeping with someone new.

Now, waves of rage, pain, self-doubt, and resentment are crashing over you. “Coping” has been overwhelmed by a storm of emotion. It feels like your blood has been replaced with Arctic seawater: Frozen and stinging at the same time.

What’s worse? It. Is. All. You. Can. Think. About.

“Are they on the motorcycle right now? He’s probably taking her to that restaurant I always wanted to go to that he said was too expensive. Are they holding hands right now? I bet they’re kissing. Maybe they are having sex right this very second. They probably skipped the motorcycle ride and decided to spend the day in bed. We used to do that…”

In your mind’s eye you play out scenes from your life together. Except your role is being played by someone who might be sexier, more fun or more interesting. You see your Ex — the happy, sweet, fun one you first fell in love with — sharing the best parts of themselves (and hiding the rest).

It’s worse at night, when there are no distractions. The joy and passion you envision for them is made all the more cruel by the stark contrast to your own silent bed. You lay sleepless, writhing in agony at the injustice. You want to stop thinking about it but you can’t. You feel trapped… in your own head.

Believe it or not, the part of your brain that sees things in your mind’s eye cannot differentiate between something that you’re thinking about and something that is actually happening. So when you’re imagining your Ex and their new sex partner making out on the couch, you react to it emotionally (and physically) like you were seeing it happen right in front of you: Your heart starts racing, you feel nauseous, and you are filled with pain and rage.

Being victimized by these intrusive images is incredibly traumatizing. Ruminating does not bring any value to your healing process. Instead, it keeps you from moving forward. Trust me on this one: I’ve been working as a breakup recovery coach for a long time, and even wrote a book all about the recovery process — Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to An Ex Love, if you’re interested in learning more. 

I know from walking with countless broken hearted people who are suffering the same way that you are, that time alone does NOT heal this. (Nor does forcing yourself to date again, or getting into therapy to “heal your self esteem” or any of those things. If you don’t take deliberate action to take control over what’s going on in your head and in your heart, you can stay stuck in this place for a really long time.

In order to rescue yourself from the impotent madness of this obsession, in addition to moving through some very specific stages of healing, you must learn and practice three new cognitive skills very deliberately, every day, until you’re in the clear: Self-Awareness, Mindfulness, and Shifting.

"I have tried counseling for about a decade with various counselors and have never been able to connect or grow with them. [My Growing Self Coach] has connected with me genuinely and helped me grow more in two meetings then several counselors have done in a decade.”

— Coaching Client

1. Self Awareness

Self Awareness is the ability to think about what you’re thinking about, and the fact that you are having an internal experience—not an actual experience. It sounds simple, but it’s very easy to get swept away in our thoughts without even noticing what’s happening.

The practice:

As soon as you become aware that you are thinking about your Ex, say, (out loud, if necessary) “I am thinking about something that is not happening right now.”

2. Mindfulness

Recognize that your vivid thoughts are activating all these scary, painful feelings, but in reality nothing bad is actually happening to you right now. You are sitting at a table, eating a bowl of cereal. You are breathing. Anchoring yourself to the reality of the present moment by using your senses creates a protective barrier between you and intrusive thoughts.

The practice:

Look: Notice what your phone / tablet / laptop looks like right now. Notice the colors, shapes, things you can see in the room around you.

Hear: What are you aware of hearing, right now? Yammering in a coffee shop. Music through your headphones. The hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen.

Feel: The chair under your butt. Your feet on the floor. The breath in your nostrils. The aching feeling of heartbreak in your core. Emotions are really just physical sensations. That’s why they are called feelings. Notice how your body feels, in the present moment, without judgment.

3. Thought Shifting

You’ve broken the obsession, and are in the safe space of reality. The third step to stop intrusive thoughts about your Ex is to intentionally shift your attention to something positive or pleasurable.

For example, you can shift to thinking about going to lunch with a friend this afternoon, or weekend plans. If shifting mentally is too hard you can also shift your attention to something that is happening in the present moment: Watching a movie, listening to music, or petting your dog.

Shifting is important because the thoughts we habitually think about get stronger. When you practice shifting, the intrusive thoughts about your Ex will get weaker.

4. Putting It All Together

You get stabbed in the brain with the image of your Ex having hot sex with the new person.

  1. Become aware that you are having a thought about something that isn’t happening right now.
  2. Shift your attention to physical reality: The color of the table, the taste of your tea, your heart pounding in your chest.
  3. Then, very deliberately, think about going skiing with your friend this weekend.
  4. Repeat as needed. (And plan on doing this many times a day, at first.)

Shifting your awareness or distracting yourself does not mean that you are avoiding or stuffing your feelings. “Obsessing” is not the same thing as “Processing.” It’s mentally picking at a scab that you are not allowing to heal. You have to get unstuck from the obsession phase in order for healthy new growth to occur.

5. Get Real Help

I will also add that, in my experience in working with people going through this (and in my own personal horrible breakup experience) these steps and strategies are easy to talk about, and much harder to do. Many, if not most people going through what you’re going through need support to move forward and get unstuck from this incredibly painful space.

Pro tip: Most therapists have not been introduced to the research around the biologically based reasons we get profoundly stuck on Exes and have a really hard time moving on. As such, many standard-issue therapists will attempt to “help” by getting you to talk about your family of origin, or challenging life experiences, your unusually low self esteem, etcetera.

These therapists are so well meaning, but really do not understand that their attempt to connect your “stuckness” to some unresolved emotional pain or psychological disorder is not just misguided and unhelpful: It makes it worse instead of better. (When you’re already feeling low, the last thing you need is a therapist making you feel like this is happening because you’re inherently disordered or broken in some way.)

This is NOT why you’re feeling the way you are. You’re feeling this way because you are a human being who, just like the rest  of us, is built to bond. These bonds are fierce and enduring, and are not affected by logic or reason. Do begin releasing your attachment you need to be addressing it from an evidence-based, biologically -informed attachment perspective.

This approach is a “whole enchilada.” The cognitive skills I shared with you are just one part of a much larger set of skills and experiences that the healing process requires. It’s the system of healing I made available for you in my online Heal Your Broken Heart breakup recovery program, and the type of breakup recovery coaching that we practice here at Growing Self. If you are interested in doing meaningful breakup recovery counseling with me or one of the coaches on our team, I invite you to schedule a free consultation call to discuss your goals and how we can help you more forward.

That said, these techniques are powerful tools and I hope that they are helpful to you.  I’d like to hear your thoughts about them. If you have other practices that you’ve used successfully, please share your strategies in the comments so that others who may be hurting can benefit from your wisdom.

— Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

 

 

Real Help, To Move You Forward

 

Everyone experiences challenges, but only some people recognize these moments as opportunities for growth and positive change.

 

 

Working with an expert therapist or life coach can help you understand yourself more deeply, get a fresh perspective, grow as a person, and become empowered to create positive change in yourself, your relationships and your life.

 

 

Start your journey of growth today by scheduling a free consultation.

Dating After Divorce

Dating After Divorce

Dating After Divorce

Markie Keelan, M.A., LPC is a therapist, life coach and dating coach whose mission is to help you create authentic happiness and satisfaction in your life especially when it comes to dating after divorce. She supports you to create a deeper connection with others, as well as actualize your life’s purpose.

 

Ready to find love again?

I often hear the question, “When is someone ready to start dating after divorce?” That’s a hard question to answer, but those who are newly divorced give dating a lot more consideration than the majority of single folks out there.

Their hesitation to jump back into the dating pool makes sense; the reason being is that divorce shakes our confidence in our ability to connect. When you’ve gone through a traumatic relationship loss or breakup it can make you question your ability to trust others but also your ability to trust your decisions on choosing a partner. Dating after a divorce feels much riskier.

So, if you are lost with no idea where to even start with dating after divorce, don’t worry, you are not alone and there are ways in which you can help yourself. Here are some guidelines to help you recover and get back out there.

Tips For Dating After Divorce

  • Revise your self-talk to support your success

Confidence plays a major role in the healing process of divorce. Some relationships can be similar to an addiction to another person. Addicts don’t believe that they’ll ever be able to survive without their drug. Divorcees can sometimes feel like they’ll never be able to find love again.

This is a negative thinking pattern that can lead to more than just lack of confidence but isolation, anxiety, and depression. So be in-tune with what you are telling yourself, and try to create a more empowering narrative. Chances are a good dose of loving self-talk could help your situation. For more on how to do this, check out our Happiness Class.

  • Assess whether you are you really ready

You may not be ready to date if you’re still, in your heart of hearts, privately carrying a torch for your Ex. Like an addiction, when a relationship ends we can be ambivalent and question whether or not we’ll go back into that relationship again. Many people spend months after a breakup or divorce half hoping your partner may change their mind and realize they made a huge mistake. If that’s the case, you then are putting your healing process in their hands. Furthermore, any new relationship you attempt is likely to spin its wheels.

Take back control by committing to moving yourself forward. It may be helpful to get clarity and closure about why your breakup or divorce was a good thing. For example, recognizing that your past relationship wasn’t meeting all of your needs and working on clarity and closure for yourself. This may mean you keep distance from this person and take every precaution not to slip back into the purgatory of waiting and hoping. For many people, getting the support of a great breakup recovery coach or participating in a breakup recovery group can help them heal and grow, as opposed to wallpaper over the pain by dating prematurely.

Only then will you be genuinely emotionally available to begin a healthy new relationship with someone else.

  • Make a needs list

Many times in failed relationships we were not getting our needs met before they ended. Maybe you don’t even know what your needs are in a relationship because they have been on the back burner for so long. Take your time to write out a list of what you NEED in a relationship. This list could include, honesty, trust, quality time, etc. This list will help guide you in the dating process to be honest with you and your future partner of whether or not this relationship will work for you.

I also encourage my dating coaching clients to ask themselves, ‘What do I need to be able to come to a new relationship the way I want to?’ This way you are also looking at what you need to be able to provide in order to connect back to others in a way that isn’t compromised by manipulation or feelings of inadequacy.

  • Let go of the pressure to heal  

Depending on what the reasons were for the divorce, it could take days, or it could take years to grieve this relationship trauma. Don’t let a time frame determine your journey towards love. Feeling pressured by time or other people doesn’t help us grow into the person we want to be. I encourage divorcees who are not ready to enter back into the dating world to engage your support network and surround yourself with people you can rely on.

  • Focus on self-care

Lastly, I’d suggest making time for self-care. Surround yourself with people who support you, do things that are fun, and make sure you invest in rest, nutrition, exercise, and your healing process. When you put energy into your self and your own wellness, you’ll exude the confidence and self respect that’s so attractive to potential new partners.

Dating after divorce can feel challenging, but you have a lot of power. Remind yourself that although your mind may be trying to trick you that the rest of your life is going to be an uphill battle, it doesn’t have to be. Using some of these different approaches I’ve described, like revising your self talk, working through the past before moving forward, prioritizing your needs, honoring your own timeline, and practicing good self care can arm you with a set of tools to help you feel genuinely able to move forward, and challenge yourself to be open to finding love again.

All the best to you,

Markie Keelan, M.A., LPC

Ps: If you’re ready to jump back in the pool, here are more ideas to support you in this podcast: The New Rules of Modern Dating — check it out!

 

 

Real Help, To Move You Forward

 

Everyone experiences challenges, but only some people recognize these moments as opportunities for growth and positive change.

 

 

Working with an expert therapist or life coach can help you understand yourself more deeply, get a fresh perspective, grow as a person, and become empowered to create positive change in yourself, your relationships and your life.

 

 

Start your journey of growth today by scheduling a free consultation.

Leaving Toxic Relationship?

Leaving Toxic Relationship?

Leaving Toxic Relationship?

Breaking Free From a Toxic Relationship

LEAVING TOXIC RELATIONSHIP? Or thinking about it? If so, my heart goes out to you: You’ve already been through the wringer. As a therapist who specializes in toxic relationship addiction, and having researched and written a breakup recovery book, I know from years of experience that when you’re addicted to a toxic relationship, it messes with your mind. Toxic relationships trash your self esteem. They damage your ability to trust. But even worse, after tolerating months or even years in a toxic relationship it can make you feel like you can’t even trust your own judgement anymore.

This is completely understandable. For the record, anyone can get mixed up in a toxic relationship. Having this experience doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you. It’s happened to me, too. It’s easy to get sucked in to an exciting, passionate relationship that makes you feel the chemistry you’ve been longing for. The early stages of toxic relationships often feel like what we believe “true love” is supposed to feel like — intense, obsessive, and all consuming.

This very reason is why toxic relationships are SO confusing. They are, by definition, fraught with the highest of highs. When you’re in an unhealthy relationship, there is an elation when you connect, a sense of “completeness” when you’re with the person you have such intense feelings for… but also the lowest of the lows. And the lows always come. Being mistreated, emotionally abused, betrayed, and having your boundaries crossed (and crossed and crossed) are also part of the experience of being in a toxic relationship. Throw in a little gaslighting, and after a while, you don’t even know which way is up anymore.

Why It’s So Hard To Leave a Toxic Relationship

Even if you know (intellectually) that it’s time to cut the cord to a toxic relationship, it’s easier said than done. Relationship addiction is a very real thing, and just like an alcoholic or substance abuser can have an unhealthy, yet very real, bond to a substance…you can also have an unhealthy attachment to another person. And just like any other addiction, being addicted to a toxic relationship isn’t something you can just quit easily. Breaking free from a toxic relationship is a recovery process that takes time, self-awareness, growth, and a lot of support.

Before you can leave a toxic relationship, if you’re like many people, you’re wrestling with questions that need to be answered before you feel confident to move on. Relationship questions like, “How do you know if a relationship is toxic?” or “Can a toxic relationship be saved?” or “What are toxic traits in a relationship?” are all very common questions, because when you’re in a toxic relationship…. it can be hard to tell. What’s normal in a relationship? What’s a toxic relationship? What’s a deal breaker, for ME?

Having the time and space to reflect, reconnect with yourself, and get those questions answered are a vital part of the healing process. For many people, the strength and clarity they need to cut the cord for once and for all only comes after they’ve answered those questions.

How to Recover From a Toxic Relationship

As a therapist who has worked with countless people around toxic relationship addiction, I know that getting clarity is not just the most important first step of healing — it can be one of the biggest challenges in recovering from a toxic relationship. Especially if you’ve already been mistreated, had your boundaries crossed, and are questioning your own judgment – you really need an outside perspective to help you reconnect with your own inner wisdom about what’s okay, what’s not okay, and what you need to do. Even more importantly, you need support and guidance to help you do the hard and often painful of breaking free from a toxic relationship.

That is why connecting with other supportive people, whether it’s a good therapist or wise life coach, or supportive person who’s lived through this themselves, can be so crucial.

Leaving Toxic Relationships: New Podcast

In order to provide you with the empowering support and perspective that can support YOUR growth and recovery, I’ve invited writer Shannon Ashley to join me on the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast. Shannon writes (and so well!) about topics like relationships, self-esteem, emotional health and wellness, and more for Medium.com, and other outlets. She has also written extensively about HER lived experience in a toxic relationship, and about the journey of growth that helped her break free.

Shannon is not the type of “official” relationship expert that I often have on the show — she’s so much more. She’s a fellow traveler who has walked through the fire, and come out the other side. She has been able to give a voice to the experience that you’re going through, and she has a unique perspective on what it really takes to heal from a toxic relationship. I’m so pleased that she’s here to share her hard won wisdom with YOU today.

If you’re struggling to break free from a toxic relationship, I hope that you listen. (Or, if reading this makes you think not of yourself, but of someone you love who may be dealing with this, I hope you share this episode with them.)

Wishing you all the best,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

PS: If you’re in an “iffy” relationship and want to get clarity about whether it’s healthy or not, consider taking my free “How Healthy is Your Relationship” quiz. Here’s the link.

Listen & Subscribe to the Podcast

Breaking Free From a Toxic Relationship

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

Spread the Love Happiness & Success!

Please Rate, Review & Share the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast

iTunes

Stitcher

Google Play

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

Let’s  Talk

 

 

Real Help, To Move You Forward

 

Everyone experiences challenges, but only some people recognize these moments as opportunities for growth and positive change.

 

 

Working with an expert therapist or life coach can help you understand yourself more deeply, get a fresh perspective, grow as a person, and become empowered to create positive change in yourself, your relationships and your life.

 

 

Start your journey of growth today by scheduling a free consultation.

More Love, Happiness and Success Advice

Navigating the Post-Divorce Stages of Grief

Navigating the Post-Divorce Stages of Grief

Breakup Recovery is a process that involves very real stages of healing and big, uncomfortable emotions. It’s not uncommon to go through the seven stages of grief when healing after a breakup or divorce. Online life coach and breakup recovery counselor, Sharmishtha Gupta shares the grief recovery stages and helpful actionable tips that you can use to work through your healing journey. Read here…

What Happy Couples Know

What Happy Couples Know

No one teaches you how to have a great relationship. Documentary filmmaker Roger Nygard shares what seven years of research uncovered about what happy couples know. He’s here to share it all with you, on this episode of the podcast.

Financial Therapy For Couples

Financial Therapy For Couples

Don’t let fights about money ruin your holidays. Learn how to use empathy and understanding to get on the same page around finances.

How to Leave a Toxic Relationship, With Dignity

How to Leave a Toxic Relationship, With Dignity

Even if you know that your toxic relationship will only cause you pain and misery, it can still be very hard to walk away. Learn how to take your power back, on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.

Empowerment In The Workplace

Empowerment In The Workplace

Has it felt challenging for you to get the respect you deserve on the job? Today’s episode is all about helping you gain influence and power in your professional role. Listen, for insights for how to cultivate empowerment in the workplace — both as a striver on your way up, and as an empowering leader dedicated to cultivating talent.

Being Honest With Yourself

Being Honest With Yourself

Being honest with yourself is a fundamental part of authentic personal growth… but it can be hard to do. Today’s podcast with therapist and life coach Josephine Marin can help you get clarity about your authentic truth so that you can move forward fearlessly.

You Are Good Enough

You Are Good Enough

Do you struggle to feel like you are good enough? It’s not just you: Many people — no matter how successful or accomplished — still feel like they’re not *quite* measuring up. Today’s podcast does a deep dive into HOW to feel that you’re good enough, push back against self-doubt and overcome “imposter syndrome.” Listen now!

How to Avoid Miscommunication in Relationships

How to Avoid Miscommunication in Relationships

Are you mind-reading your relationship?? Online relationship coach, Ben Jones, M.S., shares how to avoid miscommunication in relationships with these online couples counseling communication tips.

Being Organized

Being Organized

Feeling overwhelmed by it all? In this episode of the podcast with Dr. Lisa, Denver psychologist Dr. Danielle spills the beans on how to cultivate the type of “organized mindset” that reduces stress, lowers anxiety, and restores order by helping you feel more in control of your time, your stuff and your life.

Loading...