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Constant Arguing in a Relationship? Here’s How to Stop Having “The Same Fight”

Constant Arguing in a Relationship? Here’s How to Stop Having “The Same Fight”

Teena Evert, M.A., LAC, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist, licensed addictions counselor, and certified coach with Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She specializes in whole-hearted living and empowered relationships. Teena can help you connect with your true self, and cultivate thriving relationships with others.

Stop Fighting, and Start Understanding

So you disagree with one another. You’re not seeing eye-to-eye on an important matter that impacts your relationship. It’s causing a lot of tension that quickly escalates into a debate where no one wins. It’s exhausting to say the least, but you’re just not willing to give up trying to get the other person to see your point of view and understand your feelings. It matters to you that your partner gets you, feels you and is able to work with you to solve a perpetual problem in your relationship.

The reality is that you have both failed at your attempts to try to resolve the issue for years. You’re both finally at your breaking point and considering reaching out to a  professional marriage counselor or couples therapist in hopes of saving your relationship.

Resolving Arguments: What Doesn’t Work

What hasn’t worked is trying to prove your point by going over the facts and details of what happened and what was said in hopes that you will come to some sort of agreement that will end the argument.

The conversation instantly becomes heated and after a failed attempt to persuade your partner that their actions and ideas are wrong, you step away feeling defeated, hopeless and at your breaking point. You may even threaten to break up or divorce because you can’t continue to have this same argument over and over again with no resolution. [Check out: How to Stop a Divorce and Save Your Marriage]

Are You Stuck in a Negative Relationship Cycle?

I have worked with hundreds of couples who have struggled with this dilemma. They are highly distressed from getting stuck in this negative cycle. They need help getting out of it so they can resolve the argument at its core and enjoy the good things that they share in their relationship.

The truth is, this is not a quick fix, particularly if this pattern has been repeating itself for years. It will take some time to untangle and get to the root of the problem so that it can be handled in a manner that prevents it from continuing to grow, fester and take over your seemingly great relationship otherwise.

How to Resolve a Chronic Argument in Your Relationship:

  1. First, you must be willing to be 100% responsible and accountable for your part in the argument.
  2. Second, you must be open to taking a look at what your partner does that triggers your behavior and therefore impacts your partner’s reaction to you.
  3. Third, you must also be willing to explore the emotions you feel and identify your relationship needs.
  4. Fourth, you must be willing to take a look at your worst fears and be able to talk about this with your partner.

You’re Not Alone

Every couple has arguments that if not resolved can turn into a negative cycle of interaction. [Check out: Communication 101] This can leave you feeling estranged from your partner, which often includes feeling alone and isolated. The truth is, there is no way to keep from getting caught in a negative cycle from time to time. If you don’t have the knowledge and skills to work through this together, then partners become stuck in a disconnected alienated impasse.

Working with a trained couple’s therapist or relationship coach can help you break out of these negative cycles and as a result you will become more resilient and experience more trust and security in your relationship.

This is what I want for you so that you can enjoy your life together, grow stronger together and have a happy and fulfilling partnership. If this resonates with you and you think you could benefit from some professional help, then please set up a free consultation with me so I can help you move forward.

Warmly,

Teena Evert, M.A., LAC, LMFT

Withdrawn Partner? Stop Pushing Them Further Away…

Withdrawn Partner? Stop Pushing Them Further Away…

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

Are you trying to have a relationship with a partner who avoids, defends or worse… refuses to talk at all?

Few things are as frustrating, or as hurtful as trying to engage a disengaged partner. It’s hard NOT to get upset and angry when you’re feeling rejected, unloved, or uncared for. The problem is that many people who clam up as a defensive strategy when things get tense don’t understand how destructive their behaviors can be to your relationship.

But there is help, and there is hope. Because these types of communication problems are so common, I thought it might be helpful to you if I put together a “Communication Problems” podcast-mini series.

“Communication Issues” are the single most common presenting issue that brings couples to marriage counseling. The first thing to know about communication problems: Absolutely ALL couples struggle to communicate with each other from time to time. Just because it’s happening in your relationship does not spell doom. Truthfully, by making a few positive changes in the way you interact with each other, you can avoid many communication problems — and start enjoying each other again.

In episode 1, “Communication Problems and How To Fix Them” we discussed the most important and empowering things you can remain mindful of if you want to improve the communication in your relationship: Systems theory, and your own empowerment to affect positive change.

In episode 2, “Dealing With an Angry Partner” we addressed the oh-so-common “pursue / withdraw” dynamic that so many couples can fall in to. This idea is at the core of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy — one of the most well researched and scientifically supported approaches to couples counseling. (And what we practice here at Growing Self!)

Specifically in episode 2, we looked at this communication pattern from the perspective of the “withdrawer” (i.e. the person in the relationship who might be perceiving their “pursuing partner” as angry or even hostile. In that episode I gave you some tips to help get back into the ring with your partner, some insight into why they may be so angry, and things that you can do to help soothe their anger and bring the peace back into your home.

In the third and final episode of our “Communication Problems” series, “Dealing With a Withdrawn Partner” we’ll be looking at this from the perspective of the partner who pursues — the one who is attempting to engage with a partner who seems emotionally distant, avoidant, and unresponsive.

If you’ve been feeling frustrated or angry because your partner refuses to talk to you, this one is for you. In this episode I’m talking about what may be leading your partner to seem emotionally withdrawn, as well as things that you can do to help your partner come closer to you emotionally, and start opening up again.

We’re discussing:

I sincerely hope that this series helps you understand what may be happening at the root of your communication problems, as well as some real-world tips for things that can help you improve your relationship.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

www.growingself.com

 

P.S. The Love, Happiness and Success Podcast — like everything else I do here at Growing Self, is all about YOU: What you need, and what will help you improve your situation. If you have a question related to communication, relationships, or anything else, please get in touch. You can leave your comment below, or you can even record a voice message (button is top-right if you’re on your laptop) I can respond to you in an upcoming episode of the podcast. Let me know what’s on your mind! — LMB

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Communication Problems and How To Fix Them, Part 3: When Your Partner Refuses to Talk

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

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Is Your Partner “Always” Upset?

Is Your Partner “Always” Upset?

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

Are you always walking on eggshells around your emotional, irritable, powder-keg of a partner?

This is a difficult communication dynamic that brings many couples to the marriage counselor’s office. If you’re dealing with this relationship problem, you’ve probably become more careful and guarded around your partner over time. You love them, and want them to be happy, but it seems like you can never do anything right. Or, at least, not for long. Then something happens and they’re mad at you again.

All you want is peace and harmony, but it can start to feel impossible when you’re living with someone who seems to always be upset about something. If it’s been going on for a while, you might feel increasingly helpless about how to make things better between you. Or, if this has been going on for a REALLY long time, you might have begun to think that your partner is just a cranky, overly emotional, possibly irrational, chronically unhappy person for whom nothing will ever be good enough. If that’s the case, I’m very happy that you’ve found this podcast — we have no time to waste!

First of all, you should know that having one partner in a relationship that “pursues” and one who “withdraws” is a very common communication dynamic, and one that experienced marriage counselors can help you with. Even though it feels so hard when you’re going through this kind of communication problem, it is something that many couples resolve successfully. There is no reason why you can’t do it too — and when you do, your relationship can be stronger than ever before. But like all relationship problems, it is unlikely to resolve on its own. You need some knowledge and basic skills before it will get better.

And that’s what we’re going to work on today: In part two of our “Communication Problems, and How to Fix Them” mini-podcast series, we’re going be talking about how to tame the tiger glaring at you from across the living room, and bring the peace back into your home. If you haven’t already, please listen to the first podcast in this series (posted last week) to learn about some of the basic concepts that we’ll be building on today. Then, we’ll talk about:

  1. Why your partner seems angry, irritable, critical, or hostile.
  2. What this dynamic does to your relationship, and the damage it can do unless you take action to stop it.
  3. What you can do to restore the emotional trust in your relationship, and start having conversations again — instead of fights.

I sincerely hope that this communication advice helps the two of you, and makes it easier for you to talk to each other.

With love and respect,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Ps. As I discuss in this podcast, while the ideas, tools and techniques I offer are very effective for helping resolve garden-variety communication problems there are situations in which it is not appropriate for you to try these out. For example, there is a big difference between “angry,” and “abusive.” If you are in a relationship where you or someone in your home is experiencing verbal, emotional, physical or sexual abuse you don’t need a podcast — you need professional help. Please visit my “emergency resources” page to get started in finding a competent mental health professional in your community. Xo, LMB

Your Relationship Questions, Answered.

Today, we’re answering your relationship questions in order to give you some direction, and real help for your relationship. Here are some of the relationship questions I’m answering today:

Ms M asks, “How do I know whether my relationship is worth saving, or if I should let this go and move on?”

Lisa asks: “Should I stay friends with my Ex?”

Mr. T asks: “I’m shutting down with my partner. How do I stop?”

Ms. K asks: “I’m afraid that my boyfriend is emotionally unavailable due to his own issues. What do I do?”

  • We talked about the realities of having a partner with unaddressed emotional issues, and who is not interested in working on themselves. We discussed her points of power, and her opportunities for changing the situation, as well as how to move forward with a partner who is unwilling. Resources mentioned included, What to Do When Your Partner Has a Problem.

Do you have relationship advice for these questioners or personal experiences that you can relate? Perhaps you have your own relationship questions, self-improvement questions, breakup questions, or career questions for an upcoming episode of The Love, Happiness and Success Podcast? If so, please leave them in the comments!

All the best,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

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Communication Problems and How to Fix Them, Part 2: The Angry Partner

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

Music Credits: “Violet,” by Hole

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Please rate and review the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

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