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Dating After Divorce

Dating After Divorce

Markie Keelan, M.A., LPC is a therapist, life coach and dating coach whose mission is to help you create authentic happiness and satisfaction in your life especially when it comes to dating after divorce. She supports you to create a deeper connection with others, as well as actualize your life’s purpose.

 

Ready to find love again?

I often hear the question, “When is someone ready to start dating after divorce?” That’s a hard question to answer, but those who are newly divorced give dating a lot more consideration than the majority of single folks out there.

Their hesitation to jump back into the dating pool makes sense; the reason being is that divorce shakes our confidence in our ability to connect. When you’ve gone through a traumatic relationship loss or breakup it can make you question your ability to trust others but also your ability to trust your decisions on choosing a partner. Dating after a divorce feels much riskier.

So, if you are lost with no idea where to even start with dating after divorce, don’t worry, you are not alone and there are ways in which you can help yourself. Here are some guidelines to help you recover and get back out there.

Tips For Dating After Divorce

  • Revise your self-talk to support your success

Confidence plays a major role in the healing process of divorce. Some relationships can be similar to an addiction to another person. Addicts don’t believe that they’ll ever be able to survive without their drug. Divorcees can sometimes feel like they’ll never be able to find love again.

This is a negative thinking pattern that can lead to more than just lack of confidence but isolation, anxiety, and depression. So be in-tune with what you are telling yourself, and try to create a more empowering narrative. Chances are a good dose of loving self-talk could help your situation. For more on how to do this, check out our Happiness Class.

  • Assess whether you are you really ready

You may not be ready to date if you’re still, in your heart of hearts, privately carrying a torch for your Ex. Like an addiction, when a relationship ends we can be ambivalent and question whether or not we’ll go back into that relationship again. Many people spend months after a breakup or divorce half hoping your partner may change their mind and realize they made a huge mistake. If that’s the case, you then are putting your healing process in their hands. Furthermore, any new relationship you attempt is likely to spin its wheels.

Take back control by committing to moving yourself forward. It may be helpful to get clarity and closure about why your breakup or divorce was a good thing. For example, recognizing that your past relationship wasn’t meeting all of your needs and working on clarity and closure for yourself. This may mean you keep distance from this person and take every precaution not to slip back into the purgatory of waiting and hoping. For many people, getting the support of a great breakup recovery coach or participating in a breakup recovery group can help them heal and grow, as opposed to wallpaper over the pain by dating prematurely.

Only then will you be genuinely emotionally available to begin a healthy new relationship with someone else.

  • Make a needs list

Many times in failed relationships we were not getting our needs met before they ended. Maybe you don’t even know what your needs are in a relationship because they have been on the back burner for so long. Take your time to write out a list of what you NEED in a relationship. This list could include, honesty, trust, quality time, etc. This list will help guide you in the dating process to be honest with you and your future partner of whether or not this relationship will work for you.

I also encourage my dating coaching clients to ask themselves, ‘What do I need to be able to come to a new relationship the way I want to?’ This way you are also looking at what you need to be able to provide in order to connect back to others in a way that isn’t compromised by manipulation or feelings of inadequacy.

  • Let go of the pressure to heal  

Depending on what the reasons were for the divorce, it could take days, or it could take years to grieve this relationship trauma. Don’t let a time frame determine your journey towards love. Feeling pressured by time or other people doesn’t help us grow into the person we want to be. I encourage divorcees who are not ready to enter back into the dating world to engage your support network and surround yourself with people you can rely on.

  • Focus on self-care

Lastly, I’d suggest making time for self-care. Surround yourself with people who support you, do things that are fun, and make sure you invest in rest, nutrition, exercise, and your healing process. When you put energy into your self and your own wellness, you’ll exude the confidence and self respect that’s so attractive to potential new partners.

Dating after divorce can feel challenging, but you have a lot of power. Remind yourself that although your mind may be trying to trick you that the rest of your life is going to be an uphill battle, it doesn’t have to be. Using some of these different approaches I’ve described, like revising your self talk, working through the past before moving forward, prioritizing your needs, honoring your own timeline, and practicing good self care can arm you with a set of tools to help you feel genuinely able to move forward, and challenge yourself to be open to finding love again.

All the best to you,

Markie Keelan, M.A., LPC

Ps: If you’re ready to jump back in the pool, here are more ideas to support you in this podcast: The New Rules of Modern Dating — check it out!

Handling New Relationship Anxiety: Advice From a Dating Coach

Handling New Relationship Anxiety: Advice From a Dating Coach

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

Anxiety About a New Relationship?

Are you on pins and needles, riddled with anxiety about a new relationship? You’re not alone. For most of our dating coaching clients, the “dating” part is not that hard. You put a profile together, attend social functions with a smile on your face, and you’re going to have opportunities. Going on an actual date or three is not the biggest deal.

What IS the biggest deal, and what our dating coaching clients really struggle with, is how to manage all the anxiety, insecurity, and angst about the unknown that comes with finding someone they really like and who they’ve started seeing regularly. That’s when all the questions come up: Should I text? When should I call? When is it time for us to take down our online dating profiles? Is it okay for me to bring up certain subjects? How do I show them I like them with out seeming too needy? Or should I play it cool? Are we moving too fast? Not fast enough? Is this going somewhere? Is it okay for me to ask that? Or will that push them away? AGGGH. 

We associate this sort of obsessing about another person’s feelings for us with the horrific junior high experience of crushing. But, sadly, this life experience is not just for fifteen year olds. Grown-a** people, even senior citizens, still struggle with the angst and vulnerability of how to handle themselves in new relationships when they really, really don’t want to blow it.

New Relationship Anxiety: It’s a Thing

New relationships are incredibly anxiety provoking, and for good reason. When you really like someone but aren’t sure how they feel about you, it’s all consuming. When romantic love starts to pulse inside you, it actually changes the way you think and feel. When you feel like you cannot take your mind off of someone, and like you have way too much mental and emotional energy going into a brand new person, it’s not just you. That experience of infatuation is what nature designed to weld you to another person. It’s fierce. To have such intense feelings for a new person, and not know if your budding love is requited is the absolute worst.

This anxiety about new relationships churns up all kinds of self doubt and questions. For this reason, in addition to the usual questions about dating coaching we get, we have been fielding questions about how to handle various situations in new relationships from our dating coaching clients, in our solution sessions, and with questions coming in from listeners of our podcast, readers of our blog, and even journalists. [Read more about our empowering approach to dating coaching on DatingNews.com]

Today, on the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast, I’m tackling some of your new relationship questions in hopes of putting some of that new relationship anxiety to rest. We’ll discuss:

  • How to manage new relationship anxiety
  • The stages of a new relationship
  • New relationship questions
  • When to bring up topics like dating exclusively, or how you really feel
  • Things to look for that indicate red flags and / or compatibility
  • When you should move forward dating someone with a history of depression or other issues (and when to fold ’em).
  • What to do when someone you like hasn’t called or texted in a while, or gives other signals that they might not be that into you
  • How to put self-love and self-worth front and center of all new dating relationships
  • How to move a new relationship forward without “scaring someone off”

All that, and more, on the podcast.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

PS: Resources we discussed on the show: The How Healthy is Your Relationship Quiz, and How to Cultivate Healthy Self-Love

PPS: Do YOU have questions for me? Dating questions, or otherwise? Leave them in the comments: I read every one! 🙂

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New Relationship Anxiety? Your New Relationship Questions, Answered

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

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Is Dating Getting Harder?

Is Dating Getting Harder?

Why is Dating So Hard?

Yes, modern dating can be challenging. For as constantly-connected as we all are digitally, it can still be hard to establish a genuine connection with someone new — let alone someone who’s a good match for you. Whether you’ve been doing online dating, or spending lots of time out and about chatting up attractive strangers you know that dating in this day and age can be daunting. If you throw yourself into the fray, you’ll have to contend with the weirdos, time-wasters, and people who seem great at first blush, only to flake out. [For more on this topic, check out “The New Rules For Dating,” with Dr. Helen Fisher.] But if you don’t at least try… nothing changes. It can be exhausting to alternate between longing for love, and then putting yourself out there, only to face rejection, disappointment, and the sheer waste of time that modern dating can often involve.

Kind of depressing, when I lay it all out like that, isn’t it. And yet, as a dating coach, this is the reality that I hear from many clients. If you’ve also been struggling in your dating life, I want to validate your experience and let you know that you’re not alone.

And… I also want you to know that dating, with intention, courage and strategy, also works. There are many great people out there, just like you, who are looking for love — and finding it. Modern dating can and does lead to love. For as many of my dating coaching clients who are feeling frustrated and hopeless about dating, I have just as many who have found true love. (Often, it’s the same person who, by making changes to their strategy and sticking with it, was ultimately successful).

You can connect meaningfully with others, and launch a fabulous new relationship. Even in this day and age, all the time people are falling in love and getting married and have babies and living happily ever after. It can happen for YOU too.

But there are questions about dating that need to be answered first. Namely, what’s the difference between the type of people that modern dating seems to work for, and those for whom love is always elusive? What are the changes that you need to make in your dating approach to get better results?

So Why Am I Still Single?

To get to the bottom of this, I’ve asked the person who understands the realities of modern dating better than anyone: Brian Howie, to join me on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast. Brian is the founder, host and agent provocateur of The Great Love Debate.

All over the world, Brian has been amassing single men and women together in the same room (often with some relationship and dating experts thrown in) and then sparking passionate conversations between them all about what is either leading to (or getting in the way of) love and connection. Through these debates, Brian has gained a unique perspective into modern dating as well as a remarkable insight into the specific things that both men and women are unintentionally doing that either sabotage their chances of creating a meaningful new relationship…. or lead them into the arms of “the one.”

Two Dating Coaches Get Real: Expert Dating Advice

Listen to this episode about dating to learn:

  • What are the cities in America where people are most or least likely to find love, and why? Why are Denver men getting a bad rap for being “undateable” and guys in Austin, TX so likely to be flakey?
  • What do women unintentionally do that makes it so hard for men to approach them?
  • What can singles do to dramatically increase the odds of creating meaningful connections?
  • What’s the difference between the people who are continuing to struggle and feel frustrated with dating, and those who are successful?
  • How is dating changing, in the era of #metoo and #timesup?
  • What’s the one red flag you should always pay attention to when you’re meeting someone new?
  • How can you be more attractive to the kind of people you want to be in a relationship with?
  • What’s the attitude and mindset that will help you cultivate connection?

 

All this and more, on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.

xoxo,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

 

 

Why Are You Still Single?

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

Music Credits: Jennie O, “Case Study”

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The New Rules For Dating

The New Rules For Dating

Ghosts, Zombies and Breadcrumbs, Oh My!

New dating advice, for the modern era: If you’ve been on the modern dating scene for any time at all, you’ve probably become aware that the way people connect with each other is changing. Old “rules of dating” that we could once take for granted are no longer the norm. In fact, dating advice from just a few years ago might now steer you in the wrong direction if you’re looking for love.

How do we know? Every year, Match.com conducts original research into the experience of Singles in America. They ask probing questions about what dating people are doing, what they’re in to, and what turns them off. This year’s batch of research uncovered some particularly fascinating trends, illuminating a new set of standards for “‘Dating Do’s and Don’ts.”

On this edition of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I’m joined by Match.com’s lead researcher and scientific advisor Dr. Helen Fisher, as well as Denver dating coach Markie Keelan, to talk about their latest dating advice and how you can make it work for you.

Here are just some of the dating questions we’re discussing:

  • What does it mean when someone you like disappears, only to show up again weeks or months later?
  • How do a significant percentage of long-term relationships start these days? (Hint: Not  with a first date!)
  • How can you tell if you’re in a “situationship” that’s going to turn into a real relationship? (Or not).
  • Why does keeping your options open sometimes reduce the chance of finding authentic intimacy?
  • How is the evolving political landscape impacting the way people behave when they’re dating?
  • Why are some parts of the country notorious for “Ghosts, Zombies and Breadcrumbs” – and what you can do to avoid this trap?

All for you, on this edition of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.

xoxo,  Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

The New Rules For Dating, With Dr. Helen Fisher

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

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Dating During The Holidays: ‘Tis The Season… of Love

Dating During The Holidays: ‘Tis The Season… of Love

Single During the Holidays?

As a breakup expert and dating coach, I know all too well that many single people — particularly newly single people — often dread the holiday season, envisioning themselves enduring the upcoming string of holiday celebrations without a +1. But truly, there is no need to worry about feeling lonely during the holidays. If you’re single, and want to be in a new relationship, the holiday season is a fantastic, highly advantageous time for you to connect with a new love.

Why is dating during the holidays such a great time to launch a beautiful new relationship? Three main reasons:

1. You have the opportunity to meet more people in person, because of all the holiday gatherings and events happening at this time of year.

2. Many, many other singles (fun, beautiful, desirable, successful singles just like you) are also feeling motivated to connect right now and are putting themselves out there too. But there’s more: Match.com consistently finds that the Sunday after New Year’s is the single most popular day for people to create new online dating profiles. They see a 30-40% increase in their membership on that one day alone. If you get your act together now, you’ll have the pick of the litter come January.

3. Possibly most importantly, you have a legitimate reason to wear sequins, sparkles, and / or hilariously ugly holiday sweaters. No, really! All of these fashion choices are actually fantastic conversation starters, making it extremely easy for anyone to start up a conversation with you.

online-dating-over-the-holidays-single-during-holidays

You could totally walk up to this guy and talk to him about his bells and puff-balls. Or maybe just give him a hug.

In short: If you’ve been sitting on the sidelines, feeling discouraged about the dating game, now’s the time to get off the bench and take another swing at finding love. And today’s episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast is going to help you do just that.

Free Advice From a Dating Coach

There are just a few keys to successful dating: Clarity, Chemistry, Connection, and Evaluation. We’re going to be talking about each of these today to get you prepared to be your best self as you head into this sparkling season, ripe with potential for new love.

I’ll be putting on my “dating coach” hat to give you some advice on how to get clear about who you want to meet, and how to attract them. We’ll also be discussing the all-important “chemistry factor” and what YOU need to be thinking about and doing to wow all the attractive new people you’re about to meet, and leave them wanting more of you.

Additionally, we’ll be talking about how to make the most of all your opportunities for connection. You’ll have natural “IRL” opportunties this season, in the form of parties and holiday events, as well as the chance to freshen up your online dating profile. Because your photos will make-or-break your success with online dating, I’ve invited professional portrait photographer Kelly Weaver (who specializes in online dating profile photos) to give you her top tips for getting some fantastic new photos for your profile.

After that, we’ll also be discussing the downsides of being so gorgeous and irresistible, which is how to competently handle all the attention you’re getting — not to mention the sheer volume of messages and invitations you might be flooded with. While this sounds like a happy problem to have, feeling overwhelmed is something that scares people right out of the dating pool. I’ll be sharing some tips to create a solid plan in place to manage all the back-and-forth without acquiring a bunch of pen-pals, and quickly figure out who’s a good fit for you and who’s not will help you focus your energy on the people who are a match for you.

Lots to learn about dating during the holidays, on this edition of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast. Listen now…

Dating During The Holidays: 'Tis The Season... For Love

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

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