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Empathy: The Key to Connection and Communication

Empathy: The Key to Connection and Communication

Empathy: The Key to Connection and Communication

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

Empathy: The Key to Connection and Communication

Do You Understand How Others Feel?

As a marriage counselor and couples therapist, I often meet with couples who “struggle with communication.” But you know what? Most of the time people are actually able to express themselves quite well. The problem is that when they try to communicate with their partner, they do not feel heard, understood, or cared for.

What’s the disconnect? Empathy.

Allow me to tell you a little story to illustrate what I mean by empathy. One unfortunate day a number of years ago, I found myself standing at the check-in desk in the emergency room, waiting for the triage nurse to return. I was holding my four-year-old son, who, thirty minutes before, had tripped and landed head first on the thin edge of a glass coffee table. The sickeningly large goose-egg on his forehead was quickly turning purple. I was imagining skull fractures, blood clots, and news stories of people lost to silent brain hemorrhages were replaying in my mind.

I pressed the side of my face against his sweet golden hair and looked up to see an older woman sitting in the waiting area, watching me. She looked at me with deep compassion. I knew that she knew exactly what it felt like to hold a beloved, injured child, and to be in the terrifying time-before-knowing. Her just looking at me so compassionately broke through my adrenalin-fueled shock, and I came back into my body.

Just being understood by her unleashed hot tears of anguish and fear which overwhelmed me, because it allowed me to connect with my own emotions. Her look said, “I feel your pain, Mom,” and I just lost it for a moment, before messily attempting to pull it together so as not to further scare my kid. At that moment, though I still felt so scared and in pain for my child, I also felt known… and not alone. I felt one with terrified mothers everywhere, and that in itself was a comfort. (I can still get a little teary even now, writing about it).

Her understanding how I felt — and caring about it — was empathy in action.

Empathy is The First Step in Creating Connection

To intuit how another person is feeling is the foundation of being able to relate. To have a sense of another’s anxiety, hurt, or joy is a pre-requisite of being able to understand them. Without the context of feelings, people are often mystifying. Understanding feelings is like being at the theater and seeing the stage, props and costumes of a play—it provides the setting for the words and actions of others to make sense. Empathy is a fundamental skill of Emotional Intelligence, as well as the foundation of evidence-based marriage counseling approaches like Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.

Empathy is also at the core of compassion. To have a sense of another’s vulnerability, and how it’s similar to yours, generates kindness. Empathy helps us understand the great truth of relationships: We are the same. Yes, we have different personalities, life experiences, values and core beliefs. And yet we are still more similar than different. We all want to love and be loved, to be safe, to have healthy children, and to be happy.

Others are just as “real” as you are. The emotional experience of others is as true for them as yours is to you.  Feelings are a fact that cannot be argued. Having empathy means accepting the emotional truth of another, and attempting to understand it. If you can do that, you can connect with people on a deep level and help them feel genuinely loved and cared for by you.

Cultivate Empathy For Others By Tuning Into Yourself

How to cultivate this ability, and be able to connect emotionally with another person?  Start with yourself. Do you know how you feel? Without that awareness it is almost impossible to understand someone else. I bet the woman in the waiting room knew her own feelings—that was how she could understand mine. Like a bell that vibrates when held close to a singing voice, your emotional awareness resonates with the felt experience of others.

Practice noticing and naming the layers of emotion within you. Notice what hurts or scares or pleases you. Use your self-awareness to become more sensitive to how others may be feeling in similar situations. Then allow that knowledge to influence your words and deeds. When you develop more empathy for others, you are able to treat them with the dignity, respect, and understanding that you yourself desire. When you can put yourself in someone else’s emotional shoes, you will become softer and kinder, you will be able to relate to others more easily, and your relationships will improve.

If Communication in Your Relationship Has Been Feeling Hard Lately, Try This:

Do you feel like there’s a new fight always simmering under the surface with your partner lately? Or like they’re so quick to take offense, or shut down? Do you find yourself feeling that lately, whatever you say or do (or don’t do) is misunderstood and taken the wrong way? I get it. (Yes, I have empathy for you because I have felt that way in my own marriage before, too).

Reach for empathy to turn things around in your relationship.

The next time your partner responds badly to whatever they’ve interpreted you as having said or done, instead of reflexively getting upset back at them, try to use your power of empathy to understand how they feel. Take a guess, and say it out loud: “I’ve hurt your feelings, haven’t I?” Or, “What I said just now made you feel criticized by me, didn’t it?” Or, “I’m guessing that you just stopped talking right now and turned away because you’re worried that this is going to turn into another argument, or that I’m going to get upset.” Whatever you are guessing is true for your partner, just say it. (In a kind, genuinely curious, and non-judgemental or accusatory way).

If you just take your best guess and then stop talking, something interesting might happen. Your partner might say….”Yeah. That is how I feel.” And even more amazingly, your tiny little bit of empathy just might make them feel safe enough with you in that moment to tell you more about how they feel, giving YOU the opportunity to do more non-reactive reflecting about how they feel. Then, before you know it, you might be having a really honest, important, connecting conversation — instead of another fight. [Listen: How to Stop a Divorce and Save Your Marriage].

This is what happens when you’re in the room with a good marriage counselor or couples therapist: They hone into each of your feelings, to help you understand each other more compassionately and in an emotionally safe way. But you don’t necessarily need to have a marriage counselor in the room with you do foster empathy and understanding in your relationship.

Try it, and see what happens. I’ll be interested to hear how it goes, if you’d like to share anything with me and your fellow readers in the comments below.

Yours always,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

P.S. To deepen your understanding of empathy, how powerful it is, and how it works in real life, check out this super-cute video about Empathy by Brene Brown

Vulnerability: The Price of Admission To a Happy Life

Everyone struggles with vulnerability. And potentially vulnerable moments are around us all the time. Here are some common examples that I’m sure you’ve experienced:

  • Inviting a new acquaintance to do something with you. (And opening yourself up to rejection, if they do not want to get closer to you).
  • Allowing anyone to see / read / hear something that you have created. (And opening yourself up to their judgment).
  • Coming to your partner with a genuine need for comfort, for acceptance, or for cooperation. (And risking their refusal: “No, I don’t love you enough to be inconvenienced by your needs.”)
  • Following your dreams, and doing your very best every day to make them happen. (And risking not just failure, but the loss of the dream itself).
  • Loving another person intensely. (And risking the loss of your “irreplaceable other.”)

These moments are scary. It is really so much easier to hide.

To be unseen and unknown is safer. To not try your best brings comfort in the idea that you could have done better, if you’d truly applied yourself. To sail through the world in a sea of acquaintances who don’t really know you protects you from rejection. To keep your creative work safely hidden in your mind shelters it from the judgment of the world. To blame your partner for your feelings rescues you from having to show your irreplaceable other how important they are to you, and humbly ask for their help.

Every time I put myself out there in a big way, I have to cope with a “vulnerability hangover” as Brene Brown calls it. It’s the most unpleasant feeling— sort of a mix of embarrassment, shame, and anticipation of rejection. Yuck.

It shows up for me when I try new things that I’m not good at, or when I open myself up to other people who I don’t feel entirely safe with yet. This is especially true with my writing.

Any good art requires the creator to expose the contents of their mind or heart to others. Our art is therefore an extension of ourselves. Whether we smear our emotional innards on canvas, or heave them out onto digitized paper, or stitch them together to be worn on our bodies, we’re saying: “Look. See who I am.” And then we stand on the stage, simmering in the broth of apprehension, and wait for the audience to pass their judgment: Lame, Boring, Weird, Irrelevant…. Or Not Worth Our Attention At All.

Sometimes it makes me feel like not even trying. Or getting “virtuously busy” so that I don’t really have any time to extend myself anyway. And I know you can relate.

It’s an emotional echo to being fourteen years old. Do you remember? I do– I remember so vividly the effort I would put in to my appearance: Meticulously shredded jeans, angsty black tee-shirt, dark lipstick. The uniform of my tribe, down to the shoelaces and pins. I was frozen in the fear of doing or saying the wrong thing, so I generally just glared at the world through lashes stiff with mascara. My crunchy hair turned with my head like a helmet. My facade was bullet proof, and no-one had any idea of who I was (least of all, me).

Like the Velveteen Rabbit, I became real through the years, after I started taking risks and opening myself up to love. Like everyone, I still struggle with fears of rejection and failure. But if I wasn’t okay with saying stupid things that alienate people sometimes,  I would never get the chance to say something wise that might be be meaningful or helpful to someone else. It’s a mixed bag, but here it is. I’ll leave you to sort through and pick out the good parts.

It takes an enormous amount of strength to be vulnerable. To be fully engaged with the world, and with other people, means that you will have to cope with pain, with rejection, with failure, and with loss. But what are your choices?

To not engage at all means depriving yourself of:

  • True love and deep connection, and the chance to be truly known and cherished by others.
  • Being genuinely successful, and taking the chance to manifest your dreams instead of settling.
  • Creating authentic happiness in your life through living in line with your values, and highest purpose.

Being vulnerable to the world, to others, and to love is the price of admission to this carnival that we call life. You pay your way by accepting and coping with fear. The prizes are feeling the excitement and joy of doing interesting things, feeling the love that’s so intense it’s scary, experiencing the satisfaction of success, and having the fullness of a life rich with strong connections.

But you don’t have to. You can stand with your fingers curled in the chain link fence, watching others take the ride of their life, and keep your heart deep inside. Where it’s safe.

When are the moments that you feel most vulnerable? How do you cope with the fear of failure or rejection? I’ll look for your answers in the comments. — Lisa

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