Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.
Men Need Romance Too
I was recently interviewed for a feature in Fatherly.com about how “Men Need Romance in Their Lives Just As Much As Women.” I was happy to do it, because I’m so glad that men’s issues — particularly when it comes to relationships — are getting more attention in the media. As I discussed with some of my male colleagues on a recent episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast, “How to Understand Men,” too often, the emotional reality of men goes either unseen, or is disregarded. This can create a barrier to men becoming fully self-actualized, or to having the kinds of high quality relationships that they deserve.
In my experience, one of the main issues when it comes to men in relationships is that their feelings or emotional needs aren’t often acknowledged or addressed. It can be hard for many guys to put a voice to how they feel. As a result, sometimes their partners don’t fully understand them.
It’s a common misperception that men don’t crave feelings of closeness, connection, and emotional intimacy just as much as women do. As a marriage counselor, and couples therapist, I can’t tell you how many poignant conversations I’ve had with lonely men who want nothing more than to feel connected to and loved by the most important woman in their life. When they get the love and affection they crave, they’re like plants being watered.
Men and Women Experience Love Differently
There are differences in the way that men and women feel connected and cared for, often having to do with their “Love Languages.” While there are no hard and fast rules that are true for all men, often times men experience love through physical affection, quality time together, and words of affirmation, whereas women are more likely to experience feelings of love through acts of service, words of affirmation, as well as gifts. Another difference is that men often have a higher need for novelty and excitement than women do.
Men Need Love and Affection
In plain language: Men often feel most loved by the women in their lives when their partners hug them, kiss them, smile at them, and explicitly offer gratitude, praise, and words of affection. Men also feel loved and connected through sexuality, often to a greater degree than women do. Whereas women often need to feel emotionally connected as a prelude to sexuality, men often need to feel sexually connected before they can connect emotionally. Additionally, some men feel stronger feelings of attachment and connection when there is novelty and adventure in a relationship.
Respect + Freedom = Love, Too
In my experience many men also long to feel respected, and supported in the things that are most important to them. For some men, having partners who support them in pursuing their hobbies or interests outside of the relationship is a very meaningful way of feeling loved. It may sound paradoxical, to love someone by setting them free, but many men feel an enormous amount of satisfaction in relationships where they are not just accepted, but prized, for who and what they are.
One mistake I often see women make is assuming that men should feel connected and romanced in the same way that they do: through conversation, time together, gift giving, etc. (Leading women to feel frustrated or rejected when they try to show love in the way they think their partner “should” experience it, and it’s not received well). This can lead to conflict, or even worse, partners withdrawing in their attempts to show love.
The Platinum Rule of Relationships
Never forget that while the golden rule we’re taught is, “Treat others as we’d like to be treated,” when it comes to having a great relationship the platnium rule takes precedence, which is “Treat others the way that THEY want to be treated.” (Learn more about the “platinum rule” from Dr. Helen Fisher, in the podcast episode we recorded together, “Understand Your Relationship, Finally.”) Often, more than anything, your man wants to know that you like him, you respect him, and that you find him sexually attractive. When in doubt, start there.
Never Assume What “Love” Means to Others
However, all men are different. Some men feel the deepest connection through sexuality. For others, the height of emotional connection is through conversation, time together, or acts of service. All romance starts and ends with paying attention to the other person’s feelings, and showing them that you love them in ways that are tailor made to be meaningful to them. Aren’t sure how your man feels most loved? Ask him!
But never forget that men crave romance and connection just as much as women do, even if they experience it differently. Take the time to figure out what’s most meaningful to your most important person.
If this sounds like a lot of work, consider that a wonderful side benefit of romancing your man is that when you do, you’re much more likely to have romantic energy coming back to you, too. It’s effortless to love when we feel loved, isn’t it?
Be the change you wish to see in your relationship!
All the best,