Finding Balance — with Dr. Michele Gelfland

Finding Balance — with Dr. Michele Gelfland

Finding Balance — with Dr. Michele Gelfland

How To Have It All… By Finding Balance

FINDING BALANCE: We want to have everything. We want and need to have rules and structure to protect us and guide our lives. Yet we also crave freedom and independence. We long to have empathy and compassion in our relationships, but we also want to be challenged so that we can grow.

Finding Balance In All Things

Tight vs. Loose. Protective vs. Forgiving. Planning vs. Being Present. Everything we do exists on a continuum, a spectrum of finding balance between extremes so that we can create a healthy path on every level.

My guest on today’s episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast is cultural psychologist and researcher Dr. Michele Gelfland. Dr. Gelfland has spent years exploring subjects like:

  • Why having overly empathetic and supportive relationships can inhibit your growth.
  • How some cultures and ways of being are rule-bound and “tight” and others are permissive and “loose” and why there are strengths in both.
  • The keys to finding middle paths in negotiations, relationships, and personal well-being.
  • The dangers of extreme ways of thinking and being, for individuals, families, and societies.
  • Practical strategies to help you achieve a healthy balance in yourself, your life, and your relationships.

Dr. Gelfland is the author of “Rule Makers, Rule Breakers: How Tight and Loose Cultures Wire Our World,” she’s been on the stage of TedEx, she’s been featured on The Hidden Brain podcast, and now she’s here with me to share her wisdom with YOU.

I hope her fascinating insights help you find a healthy balance in your life.

xoxo,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

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Finding Balance — with Dr. Michele Gelfand

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

Music Credits: Fierbinteanu, “Loosen My Grip”

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Please Rate, Review & Share the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

Let’s  Talk

 

 

Real Help, To Move You Forward

 

Everyone experiences challenges, but only some people recognize these moments as opportunities for growth and positive change.

 

 

Working with an expert therapist or life coach can help you understand yourself more deeply, get a fresh perspective, grow as a person, and become empowered to create positive change in yourself, your relationships and your life.

 

 

Start your journey of growth today by scheduling a free consultation.

How to Stop Your Anxiety, Right Now.

How to Stop Your Anxiety, Right Now.

Ahhh Anxiety. The sleepless nights. The pit in your stomach. The worries, ever swirling. Anxiety is the experience of being traumatized by bad things happening… before they actually happen. Not fun, and yet so common. Many of our Denver therapy clients and online anxiety therapy clients struggle with this same thing, before they use how to learn evidence-based anxiety management techniques to turn things around.

In efforts to help you manage the very real and understandable anxiety about Coronavirus that so many of us are experiencing, I’m re-posting this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast. In it, I’m going to teach you how to stop mentally time traveling into DOOM, and restore your sense of inner peace through evidence-based therapy and mindfulness techniques.

First, I’ll help you understand what anxiety is, and the mind-body connection that keeps you trapped in it’s clutches. Then, I’ll be teaching you my four favorite techniques for stopping it. They’re all mindfulness based, and in my experience very effective. They work for my clients, and they work for me. I have every confidence that they’ll help you, too.

For much, much more on this subject, be sure to check out my online Happiness Class which is chock-full of even more practical cognitive, behavioral and mindfulness-based strategies to help you feel good again: Mind, body and soul.

 

How to Stop Anxiety: Listen Now

(Music Credits: “Anxiety Attack,” by Jeffrey Lewis.)

Key Points:

The Path to Wellness

The Path to Wellness

The Path to Wellness

Relationship Help

Regaining Your Health Begins With Listening To Yourself….

The path to wellness can be a long and challenging one, if you or someone you love is dealing with a chronic health condition — particularly one with no simple cause or obvious solution. More and more frequently it seems people are grappling with health issues that impact many areas of their lives, but for which traditional western medicine offers few answers or support.

While more and more is being known about things like fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, Lyme disease, metabolic issues, toxic mold, allergies and other sensitivities and chronic health conditions, they often remain shrouded in mystery and misconception.

People dealing with these issues often feel alone and unsupported, on top of feeling extremely unwell physically.

In these cases, the path to wellness begins with an enormous amount of strength, courage, and self-awareness. It requires the ability to advocate for yourself, and the persistence to continue pressing on to find the solutions that will help you feel healthy, well, and whole again — often in the face of minimizing or disempowering (but well meaning) medical professionals, friends, and even family.

The Path to Wellness

If you can relate to this experience (or love someone who is going through this) I hope you listen to the latest episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast. In it, I’m joined by my colleague, therapist and life coach Amy-Noelle Shih, M.A., LPC. Amy has always had an empowering and supportive approach to therapy and life coaching, but over the last few years, she has developed a specialty in helping people find a path to wellness from challenging, and often complex, chronic health conditions.

She’s here today to share her insights into things like:

  • How to muster up the emotional strength to advocate for yourself and communicate your needs…. when you’re at a low point physically.
  • What the path to wellness often looks like, twists, turns, dead-ends and all.
  • How to shift your mindset into one that brings you strength, peace, and gratitude during challenging times.
  • How to use “radical mindfulness” to avoid feeling afraid and hopeless.
  • The lifestyle changes and new priorities that can help you focus on your health.
  • How to create a meaningful support system that supports you on your path to wellness.

If you’ve been dealing with the challenging realities of a chronic health condition, we’re glad you’re here. We hope this episode provides you with support and guidance on your path back to wellness.

With love,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby and Amy-Noelle Shih, M.A., LPC

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The Path to Wellness

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

Music Credits: November Polaroid, “And Miles to Go”

Spread the Love Happiness & Success

Please Rate, Review & share the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

Let’s  Talk

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The Importance of Healthy Friendships

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Having close, healthy friendships can feel like a luxury, but they’re actually vital to your mental, emotional, and even physical wellness. Author and science journalist Lydia Denworth shares what she’s uncovered about why it’s so important to prioritize your friendships, on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.

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Are you struggling through emotional triggers? Do you find yourself feeling sad, confused, or even angry when you don’t feel heard or when trying to work through difficult conversations with friends and family? Online therapist and life coach, Josephine Marin, M.S., MFTC discusses why you feel the way you do and how to start growing through these experiences. Read now on the blog!

Radical Acceptance: How to Cope in Uncertain Times

Radical Acceptance: How to Cope in Uncertain Times

Mindfulness, Self-Awareness, RADICAL Acceptance – These are all ingredients to a happier, healthier, more successful you! Today on the blog, Online Life Coach and Therapist Roseann Pascale, M.A., LMFT shares how you can start your journey towards Radical Acceptance even in uncertain and difficult times.

Fight Racism, Part 2: Becoming Antiracist

Fight Racism, Part 2: Becoming Antiracist

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby dives into Helm’s White racial identity development model and has an honest conversation about what the stages are really like. She shares what the work involves, the obstacles and opportunities in each stage of growth, and resources to support you in your antiracist development on this episode of The Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.

Fight Racism, Part 1: Hope, Healing and Empowerment

Fight Racism, Part 1: Hope, Healing and Empowerment

Many people are connecting with strong emotions as they actively confront pervasive problems in our culture. Some are sitting with sadness, some are giving a voice to long-unspoken anger, and others are feeling hopeful — even exhilarated — that racism is being acknowledged and addressed openly. Today on the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is speaking with online therapists Teresa Thomas, M.A., A.P, and Zachary Gaiter, M.S., LPCC about Hope, Healing and Empowerment.

How to Stop Obsessing About Your Ex’s New Relationship

How to Stop Obsessing About Your Ex’s New Relationship

How to Stop Obsessing About Your Ex’s New Relationship

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

Until now you’ve been handling your divorce or break-up process well. You’ve gone through the confusion of whether to stay or go, and all the angst and hard decisions that come with leaving. But you’ve been coping.

Then you found out that your Ex is sleeping with someone new.

Now, waves of rage, pain, self-doubt, and resentment are crashing over you. “Coping” has been overwhelmed by a storm of emotion. It feels like your blood has been replaced with Arctic seawater: Frozen and stinging at the same time.

What’s worse? It. Is. All. You. Can. Think. About.

Are they on the motorcycle right now? He’s probably taking her to that restaurant I always wanted to go to that he said was too expensive. Are they holding hands right now? I bet they’re kissing. Maybe they are having sex right this very second. They probably skipped the motorcycle ride and decided to spend the day in bed. We used to do that…

In your mind’s eye you play out scenes from your life together. Except your role is being played by someone who might be sexier, more fun or more interesting. You see your Ex — the happy, sweet, fun one you first fell in love with — sharing the best parts of themselves (and hiding the rest).

It’s worse at night, when there are no distractions. The joy and passion you envision for them is made all the more cruel by the stark contrast to your own silent bed. You lay sleepless, writhing in agony at the injustice. You want to stop thinking about it but you can’t. You feel trapped… in your own head.

Believe it or not, the part of your brain that sees things in your mind’s eye cannot differentiate between something that you’re thinking about and something that is actually happening. So when you’re imagining your Ex and their new sex partner making out on the couch, you react to it emotionally (and physically) like you were seeing it happen right in front of you: Your heart starts racing, you feel nauseous, and you are filled with pain and rage.

Being victimized by these intrusive images is incredibly traumatizing. Ruminating does not bring any value to your healing process. Instead, it keeps you from moving forward.

In order to rescue yourself from the impotent madness of this obsession, you must learn and practice three new skills very deliberately, every day, until you’re in the clear: Self-Awareness, Mindfulness, and Shifting.

1. Self Awareness

Self Awareness is the ability to think about what you’re thinking about, and the fact that you are having an internal experience—not an actual experience. It sounds simple, but it’s very easy to get swept away in our thoughts without even noticing what’s happening.

The practice:

As soon as you become aware that you are thinking about your Ex, say, (out loud, if necessary) “I am thinking about something that is not happening right now.”

2. Mindfulness

Recognize that your vivid thoughts are activating all these scary, painful feelings, but in reality nothing bad is actually happening to you right now. You are sitting at a table, eating a bowl of cereal. You are breathing. Anchoring yourself to the reality of the present moment by using your senses creates a protective barrier between you and intrusive thoughts.

The practice:

Look: Notice what your phone / tablet / laptop looks like right now. Notice the colors, shapes, things you can see in the room around you.

Hear: What are you aware of hearing, right now? Yammering in a coffee shop. Music through your headphones. The hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen.

Feel: The chair under your butt. Your feet on the floor. The breath in your nostrils. The aching feeling of heartbreak in your core. Emotions are really just physical sensations. That’s why they are called feelings. Notice how your body feels, in the present moment, without judgment.

3. Shifting

You’ve broken the obsession, and are in the safe space of reality. The third step to stop intrusive thoughts about your Ex is to intentionally shift your attention to something positive or pleasurable.

For example, you can shift to thinking about going to lunch with a friend this afternoon, or weekend plans. If shifting mentally is too hard you can also shift your attention to something that is happening in the present moment: Watching a movie, listening to music, or petting your dog.

Shifting is important because the thoughts we habitually think about get stronger. When you practice shifting, the intrusive thoughts about your Ex will get weaker.

Putting It All Together

You get stabbed in the brain with the image of your Ex having hot sex with the new person.

  1. Become aware that you are having a thought about something that isn’t happening right now.
  2. Shift your attention to physical reality: The color of the table, the taste of your tea, your heart pounding in your chest.
  3. Then, very deliberately, think about going skiing with your friend this weekend.
  4. Repeat as needed. (And plan on doing this many times a day, at first.)

Shifting your awareness or distracting yourself does not mean that you are avoiding or stuffing your feelings. “Obsessing” is not the same thing as “Processing.” It’s mentally picking at a scab that you are not allowing to heal. You have to get unstuck from the obsession phase in order for healthy new growth to occur.

I hope that these techniques are helpful to you. I’d like to hear your thoughts about them. If you have other practices that you’ve used successfully, please share your strategies in the comments so that others who may be hurting can benefit from your wisdom.

— Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Let’s  Talk

Feeling Judged?

Feeling Judged?

Feeling Judged?

Don’t Let Mutual Intolerance Ruin Your Holidays

Feeling judged is difficult at any time, but as we lead up to the holidays, I begin to hear from many therapy and life coaching clients that feeling judged or criticized during family gatherings creates a ton of anxiety. I commonly hear that people feel judged by their in-laws, and also that they feel a great deal of frustration that their own boundaries will be tested. Many of my clients express anxiety and frustration that their in-laws and parents don’t respect their boundaries as parents, disregard their values, and also do intrusive and annoying things during their time together. 

Listen, it’s true: Most of the time we all get to live in our little bubbles. We spend time with our like-minded friends, and we get to control much of what we let into our personal spheres. But during the holidays, we pony up to spend time with people that we may not have much in common with other than the fact of our being related. And it’s stressful.

When we’re in close contact for prolonged periods of time with people who are very different from us, judgment disapproval can easily creep in — often to the point where it disrupts our ability to stay in the present and have a good time. We get upset with them for judging us, and then they get upset because we’re upset (or hold our boundaries and refuse to accommodate their preferences) and before you know it it turns into an ugly conflict instead of the happy holiday gathering you all want. 

So, what to do? How do you spend time with family who may have values at odds with yours, deal with judgment and frustration, and manage to have a good time anyway? 

How to Stop Feeling Judged

On today’s episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I’m diving deeply into this topic, in order to help you find strategies to stop feeling judged (while you’re staying true to yourself and your values). 

To this end, I’m tackling a listener question. Miss S wrote in with this:

“I recently found your podcast and I am enjoying it very much. I do have a request for a topic that may be helpful to others especially as we near the holiday season. I could use help in dealing with family members who are socially awkward and/or difficult to be around.

During the holidays, my mother and mother-in-law give us a run for our money!

We are exposed to guilt trip galore like accusing us of not spending enough time with them (ie unable to accept that we are adults and have our own lives and have set boundaries), the “inconvenience” of “having” to come to our house for the holiday dinner, not having overnight accommodations that are comfortable, not eating the requested desserts that they bring  & etc.

They are also obsessed with the past as in constantly bringing up family members who have passed away in such a way that it is awkward and not relevant to the conversation.

Despite our requests to not do this, my mother-in-law always calls her other son , who lives out of state, and puts him on speaker during the meal. It is really disruptive, awkward and unnecessary as we all speak to him on our own. Also, she doesn’t see us much so it would be nice for her to enjoy her time with us and call him when she goes home.

Also, my mother-in-law doesn’t like me anymore. I think she blames me for her son not spending as much time with her or his other family members. This is not true , of course, but it’s still off-putting when I can feel her disdain even though I know it’s her stuff, not mine.

I know that I will not be able to change their behaviors but perhaps I can learn to be less annoyed and regain enjoying my holidays. This is so much easier said than done so I am hoping that you may be able to illuminate a path for me.

Thank you for sharing you talent and expertise via your podcast. I have found it very helpful and have shared it with friends and family members, too.”

Listen and hear what I share with Miss S including:

  • Why it’s so important to get clear about your values before heading into emotionally fraught situations with family and inlaws
  • How to decide where to be flexible and where to hold firm in your interactions with others
  • How to let go of your need for approval from others
  • What to prioritize in order to help yourself make decisions and be less reactive
  • The secret strategy to help yourself be okay… even when others are not

 

Becoming Self Aware of Our Own Judgments

The flip side of feeling judged is often an opportunity for US to grow and become more self aware and compassionate. For example, I sometimes encounter people who are feeling very frustrated and judgmental for other people for… wait for it… being so judgmental!

Part of the key skill in learning how to manage feeling judged by others is understanding how we respond when our own values and preferences are not being honored. On this episode of the podcast I also discuss some of the ways that we can become more self-aware of our own judgment and use it to:

All this, and more, on this episode of the podcast.

All the best, 

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Listen & Subscribe to The Podcast

Dealing With Judgment

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

Spread the Love Happiness & Success

Please Rate, Review & Share the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast!

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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

Let’s  Talk

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How Difficult Emotions Lead to Growth

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Fight Racism, Part 1: Hope, Healing and Empowerment

Many people are connecting with strong emotions as they actively confront pervasive problems in our culture. Some are sitting with sadness, some are giving a voice to long-unspoken anger, and others are feeling hopeful — even exhilarated — that racism is being acknowledged and addressed openly. Today on the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is speaking with online therapists Teresa Thomas, M.A., A.P, and Zachary Gaiter, M.S., LPCC about Hope, Healing and Empowerment.

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