Why Husbands Don’t Communicate

Why Husbands Don’t Communicate

Why Husbands Don’t Communicate

Communication in Marriage

In my work as a Denver couples counselor, a number of frequent patterns occur. In heterosexual relationships a common complaint that I hear coming from the female partner falls along the lines of, “I can recognize that something is up with my husband, but I just can’t get him to communicate or talk to me about what is going on?” This complaint can take any number of forms, but the common trend amongst all of them is that wives frequently struggle to talk with their husbands about problems, emotions, and difficult things occurring in, or outside of the family. This dynamic leads to extraordinarily high levels of frustration and loneliness for BOTH partners.  

Why Doesn’t My Husband Communicate?

It’s important to take a quick look at why husbands frequently struggle with communication or refuse to engage in conversations revolving around emotions. In general, men are socialized differently than women when it comes to communication and emotions. The classic examples would fall to methods of play encouraged between boys and girls growing up. 

Traditionally, while girls may be encouraged to engage in play centering around relationship building and communication (i.e. playing with groups of dolls, playing “house”, etc.), boys are encouraged to play in more competitive formats (i.e. sports). These themes, while not as widely displayed today as in years passed, have still largely played out in the present day. 

Additionally, boys are constantly given role models that highlight certain traits or qualities that do not lend themselves to good, emotional communication later in life. Either role models existing in their own fathers, or from movie stars in Hollywood movies, boys are given the message that to be emotional is to be weak and that the only emotion that is useful or “ok” for them to feel is anger. 

If boys do not see examples of good emotional communication in their male role models growing up it becomes increasingly unlikely that they will develop the skills to effectively manage, communicate, and share their emotional experiences with anyone.  

Any number of these factors results in a fairly common experience between couples— one in which the wife is constantly reaching out to her partner to connect emotionally or discuss any perceived dissatisfaction or perceived problem, either from within the relationship itself or outside of the relationship, and her partner either cannot or will not engage.  

Why Does My Husband Shut Down When I Try to Communicate with Him?

Often, the act of opening up to a partner puts these men into a situation where they don’t feel comfortable, either because they feel like they don’t know what to say, what/how to feel, or even that there is no use in examining their own or their partners feelings. 

The end result being that men are more likely to ignore an issue and just press on in life until the issue goes away or simply try and solve the issue on their own instead of talking about the issue itself.  

What I know as a couples therapist/coach is that, although this may be largely effective for a man operating in isolation, it can be disastrous for a couple. It tends to lead to a cycle where the wife constantly tries to connect with her husband on these topics, is rejected, and the husband annoyed, ultimately leading to one or both partners feeling isolated, upset, or lonely.  

This leads to resentments building up over time and significant relationship distress. So how can wives help their husbands learn and move into this sphere of communication and connect?  

Let's Talk. Schedule a Free Consultation Today.

Provide Space and Time for Processing

If you find that you try to talk to your husband as soon as an issue or problem occurs, this may be something that is leading them to shut down. Due to the ways in which men are socialized, they may be slower to process, draw conclusions, or adequately determine how they themselves feel about an issue or problem at the same speed that their wives do.  

It is important to give them the time to do so, for if they have the time to process it will afford them the ability to communicate more clearly and genuinely when you do come and approach them to talk about something.  

Try soothing statements like: “I can see that what has just happened is bothering you, I know that it is bothering me as well and I’d love to talk through this together. I want to make sure that we both have time to think about this and process it, could we convene tonight before bed to talk about it?”

Don’t Try and Tell Your Husband How They Should Feel

Sometimes, when we get into intense conversations with our partners, they may not have responses or feelings yet about what has happened. Similar to the point above, husbands may need additional time to sort these things out. 

Well-meaning wives may jump in utilizing some empathy to make assumptions about what their husband is feeling and speak for them (i.e. “You must be really angry right now that this happened”) but this can ultimately lead to a bigger wedge in the communication. By letting your partner come to their own understanding of how they are feeling and what they are feeling – you are giving them the space to build trust and comfortability in communication. 

Try to Talk to Them While Doing a Shared-Task or Activity

Something about sitting down for a “serious” talk in a formal setting can increase feelings of anxiety, fear, and reluctance for difficult conversations. One way to help alleviate these feelings is to try and engage in these conversations while doing a neutral, shared-task or activity together. Talking while going on a walk, washing dishes, or any neutral activity that involves some degree of physical movement. If the traditional setting that you try to engage with your husband in difficult conversations isn’t working try to change the setting!

Be Patient and Clear About What Your Needs Are

Frequently, wives tend to give up and forgo their own need to communicate and connect over difficult topics/emotions with their husbands. While this may lead to a certain degree of harmony/peace in the short term, the long term emotional impact can be severe for wives and make the conversations more difficult down the line. 

Always try to be patient with your partner, but it is absolutely ok and appropriate for you to make your own needs known. Your husband deserves the chance to show you that he is willing to step into an environment that is uncomfortable for him to meet your needs. He can only do that if you are able to clearly communicate to him what your needs are.  

Express Gratitude

When your husband is able to meet with you and engage in difficult conversations, be sure to tell him how it makes you feel. The most difficult thing about trying to engage with a partner about an emotional topic and being rejected is the mystery of not knowing what is going on with your partner.  

The anxiety that results from seeing a partner in distress but not knowing how or why is what leads to the feeling of isolation and loneliness that results in the longer term resentments. So, when your husband is able to be open and honest with you, be sure to reflect to him how he lead to some relief in the anxiety for you. This will incentivize him to continue opening up in the future. If he knows that he is capable of creating relief for you, he will become more likely to keep doing that moving forward. 

When to Seek Couples Counseling

If you still struggle with creating open communication with your husband, it may mean that you need more professional help. It is still absolutely okay to either pursue individual coaching or therapy for yourself or couples therapy with you and your partner

A good couples therapist/coach will meet with both members of a relationship individually to get each partner's take on what is going on. Once doing so, a couples therapist/coach can tailor a treatment plan and interventions specifically to help you both overcome any difficulties or struggles with authentic, open communication.  

That being said effective couples therapy comes from commitment and “buy-in” to the process from both partners. If at first your husband is reluctant to try couples therapy, it may be helpful to tell him that most couples therapists (and all therapists and coaches at Growing Self) offer a free consultation, where the husband can meet a potential therapist face-to-face to see if that therapist seems like a good fit.  

It is important for both partners to feel comfortable with and trust their therapist. If your husband doesn’t feel comfortable with the first few therapists you meet with that’s okay! Sometimes finding a therapist that is the right fit for you takes time, but there is a therapist out there that can definitely work for you.  

A Note to Husbands…

If you are a husband reading this and finding that you do struggle to communicate with your wife on difficult topics, there are some things that you can do as well. What your wife may be needing, more than anything else, is to not have to guess at what you may be thinking or feeling.  

If she doesn’t know what is going on with you or what you are thinking/feeling she is going to try to find out— especially if she perceives that something may be wrong (even if there really isn’t anything wrong). If she doesn’t know, she may start to feel anxious about it and keep asking or trying to figure it out until she knows.  

As her partner and husband, it is fully within your power and ability to help ease her anxiety about not knowing. If you can, do everything you can to be as fully genuine about what may be going on for you internally, this will help your wife a great deal in easing the anxiety of not knowing.  

It may be really difficult for you to do this at first. It can be scary to open up, or even not seem important to open up about what is going on internally for you, but by doing so it will lead to a genuinely happier and more harmonious relationship for you and your wife in the long run.  

Wishing you the best,
Silas

Broomfield Marriage Counselor Online Gottman Couples Therapist Online Relationship Coach Broomfield Couples Therapy Silas

Silas Hendrich, M.S., MFTC is a couples counselor, therapist and life coach with an easy-going, humorous, and down-to-earth style that makes personal growth work both enjoyable and effective. His tireless support, encouragement, and expertise helps you get motivated to make real and lasting change in yourself and your relationships.

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Letting Go Of Resentment

Letting Go Of Resentment

Letting Go Of Resentment

Letting Go Of Resentment

[social_warfare]

Letting Go Of Resentment

Letting Go Of Resentment

Have you been holding on to feelings of resentment for a very long time? While it is normal to feel resentful at times, it shouldn’t get the best of you and your relationship. Letting go of resentment in a relationship can be tricky and puzzling, but it is possible! Sometimes it's possible to release resentment on your own, and other times it may take the support of a great online marriage counselor or relationship coach. Either way, working with your partner productively is the only way to heal, release resentment and move on.

In todays episode of the podcast, I'm going to share HOW to release resentment.

How to Let Go of Anger and Resentment

In this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast, you will learn more about why resentment in relationships happens. I speak with many couples in my Denver marriage counseling or online couples therapy sessions about how to deal with resentment that's built up over the years.

Today, I'm sharing the same ideas and strategies with you: We will discuss why we should overcome these feelings of bitterness and resentment before they are blown out of proportion and ruin your relationship. I will also talk about the importance of counseling for couples with unresolved issues, if it feels like it's impossible to move past resentment using the techniques I outline in this episode.

Tune in to this episode to learn more about resentment and how you can work toward overcoming it.

“Letting Go of Resentment” Episode Highlights

Listen and learn about:

Two Types of Resentment in Relationships

  • The difference between the two types of resentment depends on the origin and nature of resentment. [More about repairing trust here.]
  • Current resentment: It is a persistent feeling of anger or frustration from a situation that is happening at the moment, like when it feels like one of you is taking on more than your fair share of responsibility.
  • Resentment related to old wounds or past experiences: These are emotionally unresolved resentments and may be related to relationship traumas such as a betrayal or infidelity that you have not moved past.
  • Nonetheless, any type of resentment can create issues in your present relationships and make communication difficult.
  • Feeling resentful toward your partner can make it difficult for you to be kind and loving. You may feel stuck in a place leading to more resentment, over time.

The Experience of Feeling Resentful

  • Resentment can make you behave in less ideal ways in your relationship.
  • It may be hard for your partner to understand your behavior and why you’re acting the way you are.
  • A relationship can become toxic if the resentment starts to translate into negative behavior and actions.
  • It is crucial to deal with resentment productively and directly, through healthy communication strategies.

When Is It Time For Couples Therapy?

  • It might be best to seek help if you cannot discuss the things that are making you feel resentful without it leading to an unproductive conflict. 
  • If you need help, it's a good idea to get it sooner rather than later. If resentment continues, it can grow and turn into hostility and mistrust. It can damage a relationship or marriage, and it makes your relationship more difficult to repair the longer it's allowed to fester.
  • Working with a marriage counselor online or in person can help you move past blame, and start focusing on positive solutions instead.
  • A good relationship professional can be your accountability partner when trying to make real and lasting change that reduce resentment-causing behaviors in a relationship.

Why Online Marriage Counseling Helps

  • Couples therapy online or in person helps a couple become emotionally responsive to each other.
  • It provides an avenue for interaction that improves communication and allows for healing.
  • When couples try to address old resentments by themselves, it can be counterproductive and heavily charged with negative emotions.
  • A marriage counselor, relationship coach or couples therapist can help you have productive conversations even when you're both feeling triggered.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

  • EFCT is a type of couples therapy that based on a model and process that allows couples to figure out how to have empathy, validation, and emotional responsiveness.
  • Readdressing unfinished emotional business enables a couple to have healing experiences together.
  • Moving on without resentment is an experiential process.

5 Powerful Takeaways From This Episode

“Resentment only happens because of stuckness. There is a stuck place that is leading to resentment.” 

“But this is the reason why resentment is so incredibly toxic in a relationship and why it absolutely has to be addressed in a productive and direct way.” 

“It's not always okay to act on anger, but always okay to listen to your anger. And then pick up wisdom and guidance from your anger.”

“If you don't create agreements about how we operate, and if it doesn't feel relatively balanced and equitable, and resentment continues to fester, resentment will grow, and over time it will grow into hostility and mistrust, and it will damage a relationship.”

“And there's the path to healing, and it's possible, and I've seen lots of couples do it. And it's absolutely gorgeous and glorious when it does because it often, you know, along the way people do a lot of learning and growing about themselves, and there is laughter; there are tears.”

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Thanks for listening! 

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

PS. One of the resources I mentioned in this episode is our “How Healthy is Your Relationship Quiz.” This can be a great way to open the door to a productive conversation with your partner.

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Letting Go Of Resentment

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

Music Credits: Duchess Says, “Negative Thoughts”

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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She's the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

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Letting Go Of Resentment

Access Episode Transcript

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: This is Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, and you're listening to the Love,  Happiness & Success Podcast.

[Negative Thoughts by Duchess Says]

Yes, it's the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast. And as you may have guessed from our musical intro today which was Duchess Says, by the way, with a song called Negative Thoughts. Today we are tackling yet again another difficult and incredibly common life experience, which is the feeling of holding on tightly with clenched fingers to resentment. Feelings of resentment for things that have happened in the past, things that are happening currently that are annoying, angering, hurtful, and feel very persistent. That's what we're doing today on the show.

Letting Go of Resentment

If you are in particular holding on to resentment about things that your partner has done or has been doing, this one is for you especially. Because holding on to resentment can make it not just difficult to enjoy your relationship in the present, I know, I know well from my experience as a marriage counselor, that resentment when it's bubbling around in your relationship can create its own set of relationship problems. So today, this episode is all about how to let go of resentment in your relationship so that you can both move forward and just start having a good time again. Because you deserve that.

And before we jump in, I just want to thank you all for being here. And I have to tell you, I have been really enjoying all of your comments and questions that you've been tossing at me lately, both through the blog and growingself.com. And those of you that reached out through Instagram @drlisamariebobby on Instagram. I have been reading your questions. I have been recording your questions, and I have been thinking about how to answer your questions meaningfully. So that's, of course where this podcast comes from, too. Because I've heard from a few of you that this is a major pain point in your relationship. Either you feel like you're holding on to resentment or you're feeling really frustrated because your partner seems like they're not letting things go. So we're gonna talk about both sides of this today.

And also I want to thank everyone who has left a review for this podcast lately. I haven't looked at iTunes recently, but I looked the other day and there were so many nice reviews and comments from you guys. And so thank you so much for doing that. Not only does your leaving a nice review and comment, just kind of, you know, make me feel good personally, I like that. But it also more importantly, helps other people find the show. And that's the only way that people find the show. This is not for profit, labor of love that I just kind of like doing. And so we don't advertise. I don't advertise, you know, sponsors or anything like that. So, the only thing we are doing here is really sincerely trying to help people and you're leaving a positive review on iTunes or sharing this with others is the only way it grows. And so thank you for, you know, helping to bump it up a little bit in the eyes of iTunes and also to share this with a fellow traveler who just like the rest of us might need to hear some of these ideas from time to time. So, thank you.

How to Deal With Resentment

So hey, let's dive in. And let's talk about resentment. First, what is it? Where it come from? And then we're going to turn our attention to the most important part, which is how to release it, and move on, and be free at last. So first of all, it is important to know that there are actually two different types of resentment. They can feel the same in the moment when you're actually living it. But the origins are different. And it's important to figure out what kind of resentment you're feeling and where it comes from, because the path to dealing with them is different depending on the nature of the resentment.

So first of all, there is what I think of as current resentment. So current resentment is like this low greed kind of angry, annoyed, agitated feeling that happens when in the present day today, things are happening in your relationship that don't feel good for you, that do not feel fair. You often have this type of feeling when your relationship is feeling out of balance or like you're not getting your needs met. And that it feels very difficult to create change and you're just kind of like living with it. So, you know, you've maybe talked about something and said, “I don't like this and it keeps happening.” You start to feel resentful that it keeps happening and it seems to be persisting despite your desire to have it be different. So that's what I think of as being like current resentment.

Now there is another type of resentment that is really more related to old hurts, usually big ones. And things that have happened in the past, often related to, you know, feeling betrayed by your partner or really let down in a big way by your partner. It's what we think of is like, attachment wounds or something that happened that was so big that it really was quite emotionally at least traumatizing to you. And that it left a mark, you know. And when this kind of resentment is festering for months, years, decades, even after the fact, it means that you've probably agreed to kind of “Yeah, okay, move past it, we move on, that's not happening anymore.” So you're kind of sticking with it and want to let it go. But you can't. It is not resolved emotionally. And until you do handle it appropriately and emotionally, it won't be put to rest and you will continue feeling resentful, even though the original event may have happened like five years ago and is not happening anymore. The resentment experience tells you that there is unfinished emotional business that needs to be dealt with.

Overcoming Resentment

So, two different kinds of resentment. But either way, when you have feelings of resentment inside of you, it will create issues in your relationship above and beyond whatever is leading you to feel resentful. So, regardless of what is triggering the feelings of resentment, what we know is that healthy, happy, satisfying relationships more than anything else require large doses daily of kindness, generosity, appreciation, gratitude, affection, warmth. You know, like that's really the day to day fabric of a relationship are those things. And it is very difficult to be kind, generous, affectionate, warm, understanding, loving, with someone who you are feeling resentful of. And who you feel is either treating you unfairly in the present or has hurt you really badly in the past and no, you are not actually over it. You know, when you're in this space, you are kind of low key angry a lot of the time. And you don't want to give them more, and be more kind and more generous and more compassionate because you, hate is probably a strong word, but maybe sometimes you like hate them a little bit. You know what I mean? And you're just sort of like walking around with that day to day. So it's really difficult for you to be the person that you really need to be in a relationship when you're feeling resentful.

And the thing to know about resentment, and, you know, the key takeaway from this whole episode is that resentment only happens because of stuckness. There is a stuck place that is leading to resentment. If it is a current resentment, you know, present moment based, it's because you're needing things to be different, and they're not being different. And, you know, you may or may not be talking about this openly anymore, but it feels stuck. And that's what's driving the resentment.

And if it's old resentment, if it's, you know, old wound type resentment, it is even harder to talk about. And because of that, it remains stuck. You know, you may have agreed with your partner that, “Yep, that happened a long time ago and things are different now. And it's in the past.” So maybe you don't even feel like you can talk about it anymore. Or your partner's, like, “Would you stop already? We need to move on when you do bring it up,” but it isn't over emotionally and so there's this stuckness. You can't process it emotionally with your partner, you can't get what you need because you feel like it's in the past. And so it removes your feeling of legitimacy to talk about it or maybe your partner has a nasty reaction when you do, so you don'tfeels kind of pointless to talk about. It is just as what it is. And of course that stuckness supports, and festers, and feeds resentment. Stuckness and silence.

The Impact of Unresolved Bitterness and Anger

So, if you are experiencing resentment, if you are experiencing feeling resentful of your partner, and here's the hard part, and you guys I know this is hard and take it in, it makes you start behaving in less than ideal ways in your relationship. You are not feeling good about your partner. You are annoyed, upset, irritated, and that impacts the way that you show up in a relationship. And your partner may or may not have any idea of what's going on. You know, they might not be connecting it to the thing that happened five years ago or the fact that they said they would fold the laundry and it's still sitting in the hamper on the bed. They might not connect the fact that you are now kind of being cold and quiet and stomping around the kitchen with either of those things. They just experience you as being kind of jerky and hostile and cold. And I'm telling you like it seems like a “of course they would know why I'm upset,” they really might not. And again, I have spent a long time as a marriage counselor, as a relationship coach, you would be amazed at what you may be experiencing that other people are not aware of. And they don't know why you're feeling the way you are, they don't know why you're acting the way that you are. But this is the reason why resentment is so incredibly toxic in a relationship and why it absolutely has to be addressed in a productive and direct way.

Because if it isn't, it comes out through your behaviors, through your energy, and through your actions. Like, even if you're not using words to say, “I am really angry, and here is why,” people still feel that anger, but they don'tlike connected to something that they can, you know, change or deal with. And so the narrative that starts happening in their mind is that, “This is just your personality. This is who you are. This is the kind of reaction I can expect from him because, you know, he's just an angry person.” And that is where people go over time, if resentment goes unresolved. That is how the partner of a resentful person begins to perceive them over time. It's not fair, it is also true. And we have to operate in reality.

So, anyway. So this is why we're here. And this is why I wanted to really, you know, not just shoot off a quick little answer in the bottom of a blog post or, you know, say something. It's not like a one sentence kind of thing that can be like, “Okay, here's what to do. Yes, there's resentment in the relationship. Let me let me tell you like one magic thing that's going to fix it.” None of this is like that, honestly. So I wanted to, like kind of talk you through what it is, where it comes from, why it's a big deal.

So anyway, so now that we've understood the origins of resentment and why it is so massively important to deal with, let's talk about what to do with it. So that you can actually move into a better place and let it go so that your relationship feels better for you. But also, so that you're not, you know, creating a little dark negative engine and your relationship that will over time really, really damage it because of unresolved resentmentabsolutely legitimate feelings of resentment, I would like to add. But you got to do something with it. We can't stay here is what I'm trying to say.

So, anyway. So for current resentment, things that are happening day to day that are, you know, from mildly, moderately to severely annoying. The path out of resentment is, first of all, to listen to those feelings and figure out what they are attached to—like, specifically. It can be very tempting to stuff our feelings, to dismiss them, to deny them, to talk yourself out of them, especially many times for women, but also many times for men, particularly very nice men. You know, you will have a flash of resentment or annoyance, and that very next thought is, “No, I want to make a big deal out of it. It's fine. She's had a long day, whatever.” And what that does is over time, it leads to this buildup of resentment. So step one, we need to listen to the feelings. Let it in, go ahead, make contact with your anger everyone. It's okay to be angry. Listen to it. It's not always okay to act on anger, but always okay to listen to your anger. And then pick up wisdom and guidance from your anger.

And then really think about, “What am i angry about? What does not feel good?” Many times this like current resentment is often attached to feeling like your relationship is out of balance in day to day stuff. So things like, you know, one person feeling like they're holding the bag with regards to parenting, housework, work-life balance stuff. You know, if a relationship is non-egalitarian, meaning that both partners aren't on the same page about what needs to happen and who's doing what. Often what happens is that one person who often does less will feel like everything is just fine. They're just doing what they're doing. And the person who feels like they are doing more will over time become increasingly stressed, and anxious, and resentful.

You know, say one of you has a super stressful job and you are working your butt off nine to five or longer these days if you're working from home, and then as soon as you're off the clock, you get handed a toddler. And your partner's like, “Good luck with that. I am going to go play video games for the balance of the evening.” Like, you know, that can be the reality in a lot of families. And hey, you know, a stay-at-home parent, especially now without the respite of child care and anything else, is also going to be struggling. But unless you guys are really talking about it, and creating agreements around what feels fair for both of you, it is almost inevitable that one of you is going to start feeling resentful over time. Or kinds of other things like, you know, you figure out how to get the groceries home, you make the dinner, and then you're standing there washing the dishes while everyone else is going off and watching a movie. And you're like, “Damn it. I feel resentful right now.” I mean, like, you know, it's legitimate.

Other engines of resentment, a lot can actually happen around sexuality. When one partner perceives the other as being, you know, not interested in sex or rejecting even. Especially if they feel like they can't ask for it or have it be okay that they would like to be intimate with you, that can lead to feelings of resentment over time. Not being in alignment around goals or priorities. You know, what I've actually seen a lot of is one person in a relationship starting to feel really resentful when they don't feel like they have a lot of time with their partner. And then they see their partner going off and having like, you know, girls’ weekends. Or like spending a lot of time with their friends on the phone, or whatever, FaceTime these days. That can lead to feelings of resentment, too.

And, you know, it really always when you unpack resentment, they're always very, like much more poignant feelings underneath. Like people feel, their feelings are hurt, or they feel uncared for, or not important. I mean, so like, there's a lot of soft stuff. But on the surface level, it's like this, “Dammit. I'm annoyed right now,” feeling. And we've talked about a lot of hate just, you know, garden variety super ultra normal couples stuff. And it is normal. It is so common, but it also needs to be fixed. Because if it is not fixed, again, it can turn into a really yucky stuff in a relationship especially over time.

And so, the goal with this kind of circumstantial current resentment is to figure out what it is that is making me feel resentful. And what would I like this to look like instead if this was feeling more balanced for me? What would be happening? What objectively needs to be done day to day in order to keep the show on the road and keep our household going? And then, how can we divide that up equitably? And it's really a matter of sitting down and saying, “I am not enjoying the way that we're doing this right now. Here's what I would like to do differently. What do you think about that?”

And often, it can be hard because the person who is the ‘causer’ of the resentment, so to speak, is oftentimes absolutely not aware. That, you know, and I don't want to get all like ‘gendery’ on it because this certainly happens in, you know, the other ways. I mean, male partners can absolutely feel resentful as female partners. This also happens in same sex relationships. And it is also not uncommon for men and women to be socialized differently in terms of their roles in the family. You know, little boys who have loving and incredibly competent mothers who have perhaps had a vocation out of staying at home and being moms have, you know, many times had a lot of stuff done for them. And they arrive in adulthood having zero idea of what it actually takes. It is not really magic elves that wash the socks and match them and put them back in the drawer. It is oftentimes the efforts of a woman who loves them very much and wants to take care of them. And that stops working when they are now in a relationship with a partner who has other ideas about equality and what that looks like. And wants them to match their own damn socks because she has enough other stuff to do.

So it's having those kinds of conversations, getting on the same page about who does what, and also having honest conversations that, you know, perhaps the person who is—I've also seen this happen—you know, seething with resentment about all these things that are not being done that should be done, feeling very overwhelmed and, you know, like they're left holding the bag, can also have a growth moment where they can come to realize that maybe some of the things that they learned through their own childhood socialization about things that should be done and that are important, are actually not important or meaningful to their partner. And as this couple comes to create their own family, they need to, you know, come to some agreements around, “Maybe we can let some of this stuff go too. You know, maybe we can put the clean socks in the drawer without them being matched. You can just put the socks in the drawer. Nobody has to patch the socks. That is okay too. That is absolutely okay.”

When to Consider Denver Marriage Counseling, Online Couples Therapy or Relationship Coaching

But so it's like this exploration of figuring out, figuring it out together and coming to agreements, and then following through with those agreements. It is absolutely possible to have these kinds of conversations by yourself at the kitchen table. And I will also tell you that an indication that you might need to take this in front of a marriage counselor or relationship coach is when you try to sit down and have a conversation about, “You know, I’m not feeling real good about this,” and it leads to a lot of defensiveness, and denial, and minimization. So it feels difficult to have that conversation in the first place. Or if it turns into big conflicts around who's right, and who's wrong, and what should actually be done, and it's very difficult to get on the same page—that would be another reason.

And then lastly, another reason why it can be important to come and get a third party involved is if you guys do make agreements and everybody's like, “Yep, we're gonna do that,” and then there is not the follow-through. There could be a need for, you know, either an accountability partner, or someone to help you take this a little bit deeper to figure out what's really going on. Because many times when there isn't the follow-through, it's either a lack of skills or the presence of other ideas, your feelings—conscious or subconscious—that are not being discussed. So we need to get those out into the open so that everybody can do what they're supposed to do.

Anyway, so those are indications that you might need help. And also, please take it seriously. I know that the things that we're talking about right now are absolutely garden variety. They are things that every couple deals with, and they seem like small things. You know, who matches the socks, whether or not the socks should be matched, whose job that is—it seems so trivial. And if you don't create agreements about how we operate, and if it doesn't feel relatively balanced and equitable, and resentment continues to fester, resentment will grow, and over time it will grow into hostility and mistrust, and it will damage a relationship. It will take down a marriage for the reasons that I described at the beginning of this podcast because it turns into a malignant force that erodes the fabric of a relationship.

So, I'm probably sounding incredibly dramatic right now, but I really want you to hear this so that you avoid the fate of so many couples that I have worked with who, you know, when you go back and talk to them about like, “When did you start feeling this way?” “You know, like four years ago.” When they're now, you know, sitting on my couch or my marriage counseling office, literally on the brink of divorce and like, “When did this start?” And, you know, oftentimes it goes back to feeling persistently resentful about things that, you know, “I tried to talk about how I was feeling and nothing changed. And, you know, we could just never get on the same page.” And then what happens, again, is that when people feel resentful, they start behaving differently in a relationship. That behavior creates a negative reaction in their partner, and then it just turns into this snowball, where people are now behaving badly with each other and creating stories about highly unflattering stories about who each other are, and that it's not possible to change. Anyway, it can get really bad—so take it seriously.

Try to talk about it and make changes, and if it feels like that's harder than it should be, just go ahead and get some help. Particularly, if you catch it early, you could literally have four conversations with a marriage counselor, and it will be over and done. Seriously, like my husband and I, I remember when we went to marriage counseling—oh my God, what year is it, like 20 years ago now. It was exactly the stuff that was making us both feel so bad. And we, I think, met with a marriage counselor six times, eight times? I don't know, but we walked away with like a plan. “This is what I do. I clean out the refrigerator, you change the litter box.” We have lived by that plan for the last 20 years, and it has been pretty good ever since. So anyway, get some help if you need it.

Now, let's also talk about old resentments because these are different, as you may imagine, from how to handle the current resentments. Old resentments are resolved through a different process. As I mentioned at the beginning, if you are feeling resentful about something big that happened in the past, it means that you did not heal after that experience. And again, this is really common for many reasons. I think the biggest one is that people actually do not know how to heal after a big wounding event, and they do the best they can, they do what they know how to do, and many times it is just not enough. Because it doesn't incorporate the ingredients of healing that people actually need.

So, for example, you know, if there was a betrayal or an emotional affair, or maybe even a capital ‘A’ affair, right? Or another thing that happened that can really create the same kind of emotional trauma is experiencing your partner as dropping the ball in a major way. Like, so for example, say your partner went through a really serious major depressive episode where they were not functioning for a while, and they maybe didn't treat you well or left you, you know, kind of on your own to take care of everybody and do everything because they were so unwell. Or maybe they had, you know, substance use disorder. You can see this kind of thing if somebody had struggled with addiction in the past and is now better.

What are some other things? You know, I think I've seen this come up in couples like around pregnancy, and childbirth, and baby stuff sometimes. Like, you know, I've talked with couples where the female partner had a very difficult pregnancy, and maybe even was hospitalized, or something happened, and the birth was very traumatic. Or even like in the postpartum kind of months, if the other partner, you know, often the man, does not really recognize the level of trauma, or fear, or need that their wife has during that experience, and they're, you know, kind of not adjusting to the role of father in the same way because they don't have to. You know, when you are pregnant or when you're a postpartum mom, you're sort of chained by biology to the experience. And where a male partner can say, “Hey, I was thinking I was gonna go golfing with Jack on Saturday”—the way that he has done for the last five years, and it hasn't been a big deal. But like, you know, if they're partners, you know, had a baby three weeks ago, and it's healing from a C section, and they're like, “What do you mean you're going golfing with Jack?” That doesn't articulate that in the same way.

I mean, these are, again, small, small moments—they seemed small—they don't seem like they would be as fraught with meaning as they really are. But, if someone is going through something really, really hard, and the other person feels emotionally unavailable or not fully understanding of what their partner is going through, it can create a terrible rupture. Even the other way, you know, like I mentioned, the kind of rupture that could happen if someone goes through a really serious major depressive episode that leaves them not functioning that well for a while. You know, the partner who isn't depressed can certainly feel abandoned because it feels like their partner's just withdrawn and dropped out, and that can be an issue, but it can go the other way too. You know, I've also seen partners who went through a very serious major depressive episode, or they had an anxiety flare-up. Grief can be another one. Like, say, if they lost their mom or their sister, they had some really serious loss, that their partner didn't understand the magnitude of, which, again, is understandable.

I mean, these things are hard to talk about. It can be difficult to articulate the level of your devastation when you're going through it and so many reasons why this can happen, but the end result is that one person feels abandoned, betrayed, uncared for in their moment of deepest need. And even after the crisis has passed, and maybe they're feeling better, or their relationship has become more functional again, or, you know, in the instance that one partner was engaging in a relationship-disrupting behavior—like an addiction or an affair. Even after that has passed, and people are now in a place where they're doing what they should be doing again, and everybody's okay, the legacy of the wound will live on in a big way, and that's very, very common. So, that's why it happens.

So in order to go back and get that emotional resolution, and to be able to release the resentment, you really do have to go back into the past, which people do not like to hear that. They’re like, “It's different. We've moved on. That was a long time ago.” I'm just telling you that that is not how this works. You do have to go back into the past and process what happened together in a productive way. There is quite a process that happens with this. I have addressed it at length in another podcast, I think, which one is it? Well, I've actually done a couple, one is like affair recovery. I talked about the process. And I think I did another specific to how to restore trust in a relationship that really digs into like step-by-step, here's what needs to happen. And so if you're interested to learn more about the process, I would invite you to go and check out either of those.

But, you know, speaking generally what needs to happen is a series of conversations that often need to be facilitated by a marriage counselor in order to help you guys like stay in the ring with the painful parts. Because there's a natural tendency to get defensive, or dismissive, or like, “That was a long time ago,” and every time people do that, it stops it—it stops the healing. And so people really need a lot of support to like stay in that place with each other, and we need to have lots of conversations, oftentimes, over a period of weeks, if not months. If the wound was huge, like in the case of an affair, it might be longer than months—it might be years.

And just so settle in, wrap your head around the fact that this is a process, and we need to really go back into what happened—how it felt, why it hurt, what the legacy was—and having the person who was hurt really be able to talk about this in a very real way, often, experience the pain and the anger and the sadness all over again. And have the person who perpetrated the hurt, really understand on a deep level, and let it in emotionally, and allow themselves to have all of the expected feelings as a result of that. And oftentimes, you know, even before that part happens, people need a lot of coaching and help in learning how to be emotionally responsive to someone in distress and how to really bump up that empathy and learn how to be validating and kind of learn how to interact with their partner in a way that will allow for healing, which in itself can be very difficult and take weeks or months to even create the foundation to set this stage for those difficult conversations to happen. Like there's pre-work.

And of course, so this is definitely the kind of thing that you need to get help with this—what will very predictably happen with couples who try to go back and address the old really deep, painful things is that the person who was hurt will invariably start expressing a lot of pain and anger. And the other person will get really defensive, and it feels intolerable, and they will shut it down, and defend, and minimize, and so you just go right back into the stuck place where resentment lives on because you haven't gotten that emotional resolution. And it just will be there forever basically until you do. So, do not mess around with this. Take it to a marriage counselor, particularly one who really understands an evidence-based form of marriage counseling called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.

This is the only one that I am aware of that very specifically has a model and a process to help couples figure out how to have that empathy, validation, emotional responsiveness and then walks them through a process of readdressing unfinished emotional business for the purpose of having healing experiences with each other, that allows them to really feel that it is complete, they have healed, they have reattached, all is forgiven. And then they can move on really without resentment—and it is an experiential process to do. It is not a cognitive like thought shifting sort of thing, although that can certainly be part of it, but it's really very experiential. And at the end of this process, you will actually feel differently. It is not something that you'll have to make happen; it is something that happens as a result of the successful work. So, again, and it requires the facilitation of an expert in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.

And there's the path to healing, and it's possible, and I've seen lots of couples do it. And it's absolutely gorgeous and glorious when it does because it often, you know, along the way people do a lot of learning and growing about themselves, and there is laughter; there are tears. And at the end of the day, the couples really genuinely often stronger than ever before, and it's a beautiful thing—and you deserve to have that experience. So I hope that you just take those ideas into consideration that it offers you some guidance about how to really resolve resentment if it's linked to old, old unfinished stuff.

Okay, so lots of information today. But I really hope that this discussion has helped you understand resentment differently—what it is, where it comes from, why it needs to be addressed, the different types of resentment, and the path to resolving both of them. If you have asked a question on this topic, I sincerely hope that this discussion has answered it. And of course, if not, let me know.

Like, if there's a follow-up question, you can reach out to our website growingself.com. Cruise over to the blog, leave your comments in the posts. I do read and answer every one of those eventually. And also, Instagram @drlisamariebobby and through Facebook at Dr. Lisa Bobby on Facebook. I will eagerly await your follow up questions and comments. And I'm going to try not to check the iTunes reviews too often to see if anyone has said anything else nice to say because I don't want to be that person. But otherwise, I will be back in touch with you soon with another episode of the podcast.

In the meantime, Duchess Says with the song Negative Thoughts to help you, you know, make contact with the anger because that is actually always the first step. All right, talk to you later, you guys.

 

When To Call It Quits In a Relationship

When To Call It Quits In a Relationship

When To Call It Quits In a Relationship

When To Call It Quits In a Relationship

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As a Denver marriage counseling and online couples therapy “relationship expert” I often speak to people seeking relationship advice about matters of the heart. Knowing when keep trying, or when to call it quits in a relationship is always confusing. Even in a fundamentally strong relationship, when your relationship has been feeling hard it's absolutely normal to have doubts and wonder when to end a relationship. You might wonder whether you're compatible with your partner, or whether your relationship can be saved.

But if your relationship has been feeling frustrating, painful and unsatisfying for a long time — to the point where the relationship problems are starting to feel permanent fixtures — you might start asking yourself things like, “When is it time to break up?” Or, “When is it time to divorce?” Figuring out whether your relationship can improve or when it's time to call it quits in a relationship is often the first step in knowing what to do, one way or another.

On this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast we're taking a deep dive into the different situations that lead couples and individuals to wonder whether it's time to throw in the towel and get a divorce, or if not, how to begin the long road of repair. Skip to the bottom of this post to access the podcast player and comments section, or scroll through for a few more insights and tips that may resonate with you if you're trying to figure out how to know when it's time to break up. — LMB

“Is My Relationship Over?”

All couples, even the most happy, fundamentally healthy and compatible couples will always be confronted by things that challenge them to grow as people. Most of the time, these opportunities first emerge as “relationship conflict.” Deep down, these moments are simply an chance to reflect on who you are, whether or not your current relationship skill set is working for you, and how you can make positive changes that benefit you, your partner and your family.

But these opportunities do not look like inviting “growth moments” that are framed so clearly. No. What they usually look and feel like are ongoing, sometimes even nasty and hurtful conflict between you and your partner. 

Most people are not aware of their “relationship growth opportunities” as they start butting heads with their partner, and getting feedback about things that are being perceived as hurtful or unloving. Instead they feel angry, defensive, attacked, or hurt. (And often express that, passionately). It is not obvious or intuitive in these moments that the frustration, hurt and annoyance can be a doorway to growth.

In reality, most couples can't calm down enough and shift into a space of intentional understanding when they're feeling triggered and upset. Not on their own anyway. They just go round and round, until someone eventually withdraws. [Read more about the joys of “Emotional Flooding.”] But if a couple can get involved in meaningful growth work together, ideally, an evidence-based form of couples therapy conducted by a legitimate relationship expert, all of a sudden that constant conflict reveals a treasure of new awarenesses, unhelpful old patterns just begging to be released, the chance to heal old wounds, new experiences that help you understand each other on a whole new level, and motivation to learn new communication skills and emotional intelligence strategies that will empower you in every aspect of your life — including your most important relationship. 

There is so much opportunity. But couples only have this aspect of conflict revealed to them when they are in a safe space and being guided by a skillful and knowledgeable marriage counseling or couples therapy expert who knows what they are doing. (Sadly, most don't.)

But most relationships fail without ever having had the chance to do this kind of meaningful growth work together. They never get to learn and grow. They never get instruction and support around how to do things differently. Instead, couples fall into predictable, increasingly negative patterns of relationship conflict and then wind up making decisions about when to call it quits in a relationship because they haven't been able to make positive changes on their own. They don't see the path forward so they assume that the only solution to their relationship problems is the “final solution” of divorce or breaking up. And that's really too bad.

So if you are asking yourself questions like, “When is it time to break up?” or “When to call it quits on a relationship” because of ongoing unresolved relationship conflict, and feeling stuck in a “pro and con” list, or feeling anxious about whether to get divorced, try this instead: Ask yourself a different question. Ask, “Is meaningful growth and change possible for us?”

Also, remember that it’s absolutely normal and expected for couples in distressed relationships to be (any combination of) hostile, emotionally unavailable, withdrawn, blaming, avoidant, passive-aggressive, not following through with household obligations, not meeting expectations, and generally being hurtful and annoying. People in distressed relationships do all of these things because their relationships are distressed.

So then the question next question becomes not “Should I end my relationship based on what is happening right now?” but rather, “If we were both feeling loved and respected in this relationship, and learned how to communicate, manage expectations, work as a team, etc., how could our relationship be different?”

If you're like many people the immediate answer is, “NO! Not possible. I've told him 500 times how I feel and he always gets defensive and it never changes so we cannot grow. No.” That is often a reflexive answer based on the experiences you've had to-date, and often based on how your partner is functioning in the context of a distressed relationship. (i.e., Not their best selves!)

When I sit with my Denver therapy or online life coaching clients and really unpack this with them the true answer is more like,

“I don't really know yet whether or not growth is possible for us. We are angry with each other. I haven't been my best self either. We've never been in a situation where we worked with a relationship expert who used an evidence-based model to help us understand each other and ourselves, and who taught us new skills and strategies, and who held us accountable for making changes.”

If that is the case for you, too, the first step in getting clarity about whether you should call it quits is to find out for sure whether or not change is possible. Then you will be able to move forward with clarity and confidence, one way or the other.

When To Give Up On a Relationship

Of course, for some couples, growth and change is not possible. How do you know for sure if it's time to break up, or when it's time to divorce? Your answer lies in the action.

  • When you make a sincere effort to get you and your partner into a meaningful growth opportunity…. and they refuse to go.
  • Or, even if you meet with an effective, evidence-based online marriage counselor or Denver couples therapist together, your partner will not participate in a deep level. They might show up for the appointments but they may continue to blame you, engage in gaslighting, and deny any responsibility for the issues.
  • When the marriage counselor invites them to share their perceptions of the problem, your partner may give voice to a perspective grounded in an absolute lack of empathy for yours.
  • They may flatly reject any efforts of the couples therapist to help them unpack their feelings, or make links between what they learned in their families of origin, and how they are showing up in their relationship.
  • Furthermore, they may not be coachable, meaning that they are not open to learning new skills or trying to do things differently for the benefit of the relationship.
  • They may show you, through their behaviors, that they are more committed to continuing their own negative patterns than they are to staying married to you.

As frustrating as this is, it's also okay. Positive, even. Because then you know for sure that this relationship is over. There is no hope. Nothing can change. It may not be the answer you wanted, but it's an answer you can use to find solid ground and make a new plan for your life. You are free to go and find peace, love, and understanding elsewhere.

When To End a Relationship Vs. When To Grow?

Of course, when considering when to call it quits in a relationship there are additional complexities above and beyond the need to figure out whether or not growth is possible. For example, if you are married with a crush on someone else (or having an affair) it can cast a lot of doubt and confusion on your relationship. It would be to your benefit (and to the benefit of your spouse, honestly) for YOU to get involved in individual therapy or effective life coaching in order to get clarity about your next steps. Only if you're committed to your relationship will any change be possible, and if you have an emotional attachment to someone else, it makes it really hard to work on your relationship.

When You're Feeling Trapped In a Relationship

Another reality for many people is the experience of feeling trapped in a relationship due to practical circumstances, like co-parenting, financial inequities, or concerns about housing. If you want to leave your marriage but feel that you can't due to concerns about how you'll make it on your own, or if you have concerns for your children that lead you to stay, it's important that you enlist the support of a professional therapist, life coach, or career coach to help you set meaningful goals and make a sustainable plan to move forward. (Even if it's a long-term plan.)

When To Call It Quits In a Relationship… Or Not

Because all of these questions are often complicated and difficult to sort through, they’re worthy of exploration and discussion. If you’ve been twisting yourself into knots trying to figure out when to call it quits in a relationship, I hope you find some comfort in the knowledge that its extremely difficult to find a clear “stay or go” answer in the context of a messy, multifaceted situation. The answer to the question of whether to break up or stay together is often, honestly, “it depends.” 

Whether or not to end a relationship often depends on whether growth is possible (or not), for your partner. But it may also depend on whether or not growth is possible for you, too. It also often depends on what external or internal factors are creating barriers that make you feel forced to stay in an unhappy relationship. There may also be emotional factors at play that make you feel like you should stay in the relationship… even though in your heart of hearts you might not want to.

No matter what you ultimately decide, whether to end your relationship or whether to attempt a new chapter, the path forward is always first getting clarity about what is possible… and what is not. Only with that clarity can you have the confidence to take action — action that feels like it’s connected with your highest values and personal integrity — one way or the other. The process of getting this clarity can take weeks, months, sometimes even years. It may involve you and your partner working together to get this clarity. It may involve just you educating yourself, and giving yourself the time and space to do some individual growth work.

To help you get clarity on the variables that may impact your decision about whether to call it quits in a relationship, or whether to try to foster a relationship growth experience, I’ve devoted an entire episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast on the topic of how to figure out when to break up or stay together.

I’ll be addressing specific questions to help you figure out whether you should end your relationship, or keep trying like:

  • How can you tell whether growth is possible for your relationship, or whether it really needs to end?
  • Why do couples wind up breaking up prematurely, without knowing or not whether growth was actually possible?
  • What are specific indications that your partner, if given meaningful and effective opportunities to change, is able or willing to do so?
  • What are the signs that there is no hope for this relationship, and that is time to divorce or break up?
  • What are the sneaky, toxic relationship signs that can lead you to stay stuck in a relationship that is fundamentally not good for you, and unlikely to change?
  • What are the growth opportunities that YOU might need to engage in, in order to feel more clear and confident about your commitment to your current relationship…. Or more clear and confident that it’s time to end your relationship?
  • What if you want to break up or divorce, but are stuck because you feel guilty about it?
  • How do you handle leaving a relationship if your partner has a problem like a mental health issue, substance use disorder, or other issues?
  • What to do if you’re unhappy in your relationship and would like to divorce, but are facing practical realities such as co-parenting concerns or financial consequences if you separate?

All that, plus more insights, thought provoking questions, and actionable advice to support your path forward, whether it's time to reach for hope and growth… or time to call it quits.

All the best,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

PS: Resources discussed on this episode include a link to my online “How Healthy Is Your Relationship Quiz” as well as www.thehotline.org.

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When To Call It Quits In a Relationship

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

Music Credits: Brick Fields, “This Time Coming Soon”

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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She's the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

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Real Help For Your Relationship

Lots of couples go through challenging times, but the ones who turn "rough-patches" into "growth moments" can come out the other side stronger and happier than ever before.

 

Working with an expert couples counselor can help you create understanding, empathy and open communication that felt impossible before.

 

Start your journey of growth together by scheduling a free consultation.

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Attachment Style Quiz

Attachment Style Quiz

Attachment Style Quiz

How Do You Love?

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Understand Your Relationship Attachment Style

Before you jump into taking the attachment style quiz, first understand relationship attachment styles and how they impact your results in life and love. Then your attachment style test results will be meaningful and helpful to you as you seek to grow and evolve within yourself and in your relationships.

Where does our attachment style come from? Our childhood affects us in more ways than we imagine. Because everyone is raised differently, we all have varying styles of connecting with others, communicating, and seeking emotional fulfillment. While your experiences in your family of origin can certainly set the stage for your attachment style, your early-life friendships and your first romantic relationships can impact the way you relate to others too. Knowing our needs in terms of approval and attention — and understanding how others are seeking to relate to you — is crucial, if you want to maintain a healthy and secure long-term relationship.

In this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast, you'll learn about different attachment styles, how they impact the way you relate to others, and how to figure out the attachment styles of people you're in relationship with. You'll also have the opportunity to take an attachment style quiz to better understand your own way of relating, through this relationship attachment style test.  

To begin, I'm speaking with dating coach and therapist Maya Diamond about attachment styles and how we all have different ways of relating to other people. She gives insights about how we can develop better relationships with those around us through self-awareness and being secure in our worth. Finally, she gives advice with regards to dating, particularly during the quarantine. (Learn more about Maya on her website, and check out her TexEx!)

Tune in to this episode to learn how our attachment styles affect our relationships. Then get the attachment style quiz emailed to you so that you can take the relationship attachment style test and learn about yourself, and where your growth areas are.

On This Episode: 

  1. Discover what an attachment style is and its different types.
  2. Learn how we develop our personal attachment style and how it affects our relationships.
  3. Gain insights about dating in the current pandemic situation.
  4. Get awareness about your patterns in relationships.
  5. Receive tips for how to avoid emotionally unavailable partners.
  6. Then, get the attachment style quiz to learn about the early experiences that shaped YOUR patterns.

What Is Attachment Style?

  • Attachment styles refer to how we're organized around relating and how our primary caregiver related to us as a child.
    • This comes from our early childhood, from the moment we are born to five years of age.
  • There are four attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

Secure Attachment Style

  • Secure attachment means your primary caregiver was emotionally responsive as you were growing up.
  • They also mirrored your feelings, which allowed you to understand your own emotions.
  • Having a secure attachment style allows an individual to develop emotional intelligence and empathy.

Anxious Attachment Style

  • Anxious attachment means your nervous system is often on high alert. You also have a tendency to put a lot of time and energy into relationships.
  • This can stem from inconsistent parenting, wherein you sometimes received emotional attunement and sometimes did not. It can also happen when you've had negative experiences in other relationships — particularly when your trust has been broken.
  • Anxiously attached people often worry about abandonment and can be jealous.
  • They frequently question their relationships and have general distrust of their partners.

Avoidant & Disorganized Attachment Style

  • Avoidant attachment stems from either neglect in terms of emotional attunement or engulfment and invasion of boundaries.
  • This makes an individual self-reliant and self-regulatory when it comes to their needs in relationships.
  • Disorganized attachment is a combination of both anxious and avoidant. Growing up, your primary caregivers were a source of panic and fear, as well as love.

Attachment Styles in Relationships

  • Most people have a combination of all four, with two styles being predominant.
  • Romantic relationships in adolescence and adulthood can also change or reinforce your attachment styles.
  • People with anxious and avoidant styles have such different needs. When these two are in a relationship, it could trigger a cycle of pushing each other away. 
  • You can become more secure in relationships by doing deep, healing work on yourself.

 

Why Understanding Attachment Styles is SO Important When You're Dating

Some relationships can feel challenging from the start, when two people are coming together with very different needs and hopes for the relationship. For example, if someone with a more anxious attachment style is in a new relationship with someone who tends to be avoidant, a push-pull dynamic will quickly ensue. The more anxiously attached person will often experience their partner as being uncaring or distant, which increases their anxiety. Likewise, their avoidant partner will have difficulty in meeting their emotional needs and having compassion for them, and instead, will often experience them as being clingy, unreasonable, or demanding.

A much better pairing for someone who has a more anxious attachment style is a securely attached partner, who is better able to be emotionally responsive to them. Furthermore, a securely attached individual will be better able to tolerate an avoidantly attached individual's desire for space, and difficulty with communicating.

How to Identify Attachment Styles Early

  • To find a secure relationship that meets your needs, ask yourself first what you feel when you’re with this person and when you’re not.
  • Because of Hollywood, people are looking for excitement in a relationship. However, the person who excites you can trigger your childhood wounds and trauma.
  • Be with someone who makes you feel safe, peaceful, and calm.
  • There are little moments where we bypass the red flags that we should pay attention to.

Things to Be Aware of on the First Date

  • Pay attention to how they treat waiters and talk about their exes, parents, and childhood.
  • Listen to what the person says they want in their love life right now. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to change their mind.
  • Understand if the other person is ready for a serious relationship and wants to invest their energy in you.
  • Keep your eyes and ears open and your blinders off.

How to Develop Security in Your Attachment Style

  • The basis of being secure is knowing your own value and worth.
  • We all want to be met. But when you are coming from a place of self-love and self-worth, it becomes easy to say no to the wrong fit and yes to the right fit.
  • For people with anxious or avoidant attachment, having guidance and support helps you feel secure and let love into your life.

Dating in the Time of Pandemic

  • The current quarantine is amazing for your love life because it’s making everything go slower, from dates to physical intimacy.
  • Being alone and isolated makes us crave connection and find love even more.
  • Utilize technology to connect with people.
  • Even on a video date, you can still fill the energy and excitement around you. Pay attention to that.

 

Understanding Your Own Attachment Style: Take the Attachment Style Quiz!

When you're ready to take this to the next level, text “ATTACH” to 55444 in order to get your copy of the attachment style quiz, and deepen your understanding of your patterns in relationships. Note: this is not a “here's-your-score,” superficial type of quiz, but rather an attachment style assessment that can help you uncover the early experiences that shaped you, and how your attachment style is impacting your relationships now. Disclaimer: This attachment style quiz invites you to consider early experiences, for the purpose of gaining self awareness. It may be most helpful for you to do this attachment style assessment under the direction of a great therapist or relationship coach who can help you use this activity as a part of your longer-term personal growth work. Self-awareness is often the first step of targeted work in shifting an changing old patterns, particularly when it comes to attachment styles.

5 Powerful Quotes from This Episode

“Something that I think is really significant that people don't talk about as much as well is that in your adulthood, you have these different romantic relationships, and they can really impact your attachment style.”

“All the statistics don't matter. What matters is knowing what you need and being able to really follow that and stick to that.”

“He is not everything on your list if he doesn't want a relationship.”

“I think just listening, like just really keeping your eyes and ears open and not your blinders on. I think you have these blinders, which, again, are usually from our childhood.”

Healthy Attachment Mantra: “I can give and receive love freely, but I'm only going to do it with someone who is at my level of what I'm able to give and receive.”

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Have any questions? You can contact me through our website or find me on Instagram or Facebook. You may also reach out to us and inquire about online therapy and life coaching. Growing Self is also on Instagram and Facebook.

Thanks for listening! 

To finding love, happiness, and success

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

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by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She's the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

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Real Help For Your Relationship

Lots of couples go through challenging times, but the ones who turn "rough-patches" into "growth moments" can come out the other side stronger and happier than ever before.

 

Working with an expert couples counselor can help you create understanding, empathy and open communication that felt impossible before.

 

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