Honest Advice From an Online Dating Coach

Honest Advice From an Online Dating Coach

Honest Advice From an Online Dating Coach

Honest Advice From an Online Dating Coach:

Dating Do's and Don'ts | Common Online Dating Mistakes | Pandemic Dating | and More!

HONEST ADVICE FROM AN ONLINE DATING COACH: Have you found yourself saying lately, Help! I think I'm falling in love over Zoom?” Or possibly, “That's it! I'm never dating again!!” It's not just you: these are challenging times for singles. Pandemic relationships in particular can get hot and heavy fast, but that's not always a good thing. The new reality of Covid-19 has changed so many things about life, not least of which are the new possibilities (and perils) of online dating. 

The days of waiting in a restaurant for your date or planning a trip with your new romance are gone, at least for now. As such, many have looked to online dating to find that human connection.

Many dating apps already exist, but the difference is the possible absence of a face-to-face meeting. You are now getting to know someone almost exclusively through the screen of your devices. Depending on your preferences, that could make dating easier or more difficult. 

Today’s episode of the podcast will tackle the new reality dating in the time of a pandemic. My guest, Growing Self online dating coach Markie Keelan, M.A., LPC will be sharing her honest dating coach advice to help you weigh the advantages and disadvantages of the new reality of dating and how you might discover more about yourself through it. 

Listen to the episode to understand what you truly want in your dating life and how to find love in these strange times.  

Honest Advice From an Online Dating Coach

In today's episode we're discussing:

  • Know how the new reality of dating may or may not work for you. 
  • Learn the benefits and drawbacks of online dating. 
  • Discover how to navigate your expectations when meeting someone online.  
  • Find out the problem with being available all the time to the person you're getting to know. 
  • Understand the importance of communicating what you want. 
  • Know how online dating may affect relationships. 
  • Learn how to deal with the continuous evolution of dating. 
  • Learn how to form positive relationships through online dating.  

 

 

Episode Highlights:

The New Reality of Dating

Michael Stahl, in an article titled “Help! I think I'm falling in love over Zoom,” narrates his dating experiences during the COVID-19 pandemic. He talks about feeling emotionally intimate with someone over Zoom and how it faltered when they met in person. Sadly, this is the new reality of dating — dealing with the uncertainties of finding love online.

This type of situation is what my team and I have noticed lately from our clients. The way people are connecting these days can create new opportunities but also some potential pitfalls. 

Struggles with Online Dating

Markie Keelan, who helped Michael with his story, is a licensed therapist who provides dating coaching services with Growing Self. In the episode, she shares some of the questions about dating her  her dating coaching clients have been asking lately. She mentioned that her online dating coaching clients have been sharing struggles like:

  • The lockdown period has added extra layers of complexity to an already complex dating environment. Navigating connections with one another has become different with technology.  
  • Many tend to invest in relationships early on since most of them have been — and are capable of — talking frequently online.  

The Good Things About Online Dating

One of the good things about online dating is feeling safer since you don't have to meet face to face amid a global pandemic. Markie also said online dating allows people to feel more comfortable and vulnerable toward their date because meeting someone at an unknown place can make you feel anxious and hinder the way you communicate.

Because digital communication is convenient and you’re familiar with your surroundings, you feel safe being vulnerable. This way, you can have longer and more in-depth conversations. 

The Pitfalls of Online Dating

Dating during a pandemic is new territory for all of us. Therefore, it’s good to recognize the adverse impact it may have. Markie says meeting a person on the computer screen leads to miscommunication. The benefits she mentioned previously have drawbacks when you look at them more closely.     

  • People tend to judge others more quickly online. Meeting face to face reduces judgment as both people feel vulnerable or nervous, especially on a first date.
  • In-depth discussions usually occur on date number three or four when dating in person. Online dating allows you to create conversations so in-depth that the other person may not be at the same vulnerability level yet. 

 

Dating Mistakes: The Problem with Being Always Available

Since many people are now more likely to be in their homes, we assume people are available 24/7. But others may have a job or a daily structure they planned for themselves. Here are the reasons why Markie advised not to be available 24/7 to the person you're getting to know.  

  • Constant availability can disrupt your day-to-day activities.
  • Being overly available can overwhelm the person who doesn’t have access yet to that kind of vulnerability. 

If you find yourself talking to someone you feel can’t understand your boundary, you have to assert yourself. Learning that the person can't respect your boundaries early on is a signal that they may not be suitable for you.

Dating Advice: Say What You Mean Out Loud

Not all people have the sensitivity to know what you're trying to say. Women, in particular, tend to use other tactics to express their desires. Clear communication is vital in building relationships. Here are reasons why you should verbalize what you're thinking:  

  • By telling what you want clearly, you can see if the person can listen and respect your decision. Then, you can determine whether to pursue the person or not. 
  • If you don't say it out loud, the issue can be brought up later down the road, especially in fights. 
  • The other person may not be aware of what you’re thinking.  

How Online Dating Affects Relationships

You probably already know this, but people present a perfect picture of themselves when dating online. In turn, this can put you in a tough spot — once you meet in reality, they may not be what you have expected. 

Markie shared the ways online dating can affect relationships: 

  • The emotional connection can be edited, so you might fall for someone who is a different person in real life. 
  • You can't see the whole picture of the person, such as how they interact with people and deal with adversity in life. 

Markie added that you need to get as much information as you can when you're dating. One critical factor is how they treat others because it reflects how they will treat you in the relationship. 

Dating Advice: Living Up to the Expectations of Your Online Persona

Set reasonable expectations, for people tend to curate themselves differently online or on first dates. Attachment to someone or an idea of someone can upset you once reality hits. 

Conversely, you also have to be honest online so that you won't feel pressured to live up to a false persona. Here's how you can lessen the possible stress of shouldering expectations when it comes to online dating:  

  • Be the same whether you are in Zoom or in person.
  • Remind yourself that you're still getting to know the person. Reserve your final judgment until you have all the information you need.

If you are going to be dating during this time, embrace all of it. Embrace the fact that you will get to know someone through more of a friendship lens first, and treat it like that.

Dealing with the Continuous Evolution of Dating

From telegraphs to telephones to texting to Zoom calls, there's a constant evolution in navigating relationships. Although everyone can adapt, no one can change the landscape when it comes to building relationships. So how do you navigate dating with the continuous evolution of communication?

  • Expect that your connection online is going to be different on your first date. 
  • Give grace to the other person.  
  • Give the first date the space it deserves.  

Forming New Positive Relationships Through Online Dating

Online dating can work. Just as Markie’s clients had proven, you can learn more about yourself in doing things differently.

  • Through online dating, you can get to know the things you're comfortable with while in a relationship. 
  • Markie’s clients have connected with people who are more like-minded because they're aligning with their values more these days. 

Despite the struggles, Markie still believes that online dating can have a positive effect on people. 

Resources 

  • Check out more of Markie's great dating advice on the Growing Self website. If you'd like to enlist her services as a private dating coach, you can schedule a free consultation meeting with her to discuss your hopes and goals, and how she can help you attain them.
  • If you'd like to get more help to master the art of modern dating (but aren't ready for private dating coaching) consider our Online Dating Coaching Program, “Find The One.”
  • Michael Stahl’s website — Read more about Michael's commentary around dating these days, and his other observations about life. 

Markie shared some valuable tips on dating during a pandemic. Which part of the episode was the most helpful? Feel free to share your thoughts by leaving a comment down below.

Hope these ideas help you on your quest for love during these perilous times…

xo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby & Markie Keelan, M.A., LPC

 

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Honest Advice From an Online Dating Coach

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast

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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She's the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

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Online Dating Coach Advice: Podcast Transcript

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Access Episode Transcript

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: This is Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby and you're listening to the Love, Happiness, and Success podcast.

Dr. Lisa: Very cool atmospheric tune there by Dasia May called Will I Ever Be. I thought it was a nice combination of sort of wistful and hopeful in tone and topic because that is kind of our theme for today. We are talking about dating and not just any kind of dating, but a special kind of dating because there is a new sort of circumstance, a new set of both opportunities, and potential pitfalls for singles these days in the era of Coronavirus and dating during quarantine. 

So, just in time for cuffing season 2020 we are going to be speaking about the new reality of dating. And I have to tell you too, the impetus to this whole topic came from a story written by an acquaintance of mine who's a writer named Michael Stahl. Michael's actually been on this program with me before and he recently wrote a couple of really great pieces about his experience of dating recently. One was published in narratively.com another one was in mel.com.

And his story actually got picked up by like the Guardian, it's been all over the place. So if you google Michael Stahl dating, you'll get the scoop. And I interviewed Michael to participate in this with us. And unfortunately, the audio file was corrupted, so we cannot include it. But here is the punch line, Michael, like so many people who are out there dating these days connected with someone online, and over a period of weeks established a relationship that felt very emotionally intimate over zoom, only to have it falter when they met in person. The dating coaches on my team have been hearing a similar story over and over again that the way that people are coming together and connecting particularly since there's so much online involvement can create really interesting new opportunities, but also some pretty major pitfalls that need to be navigated in a very kind of conscious and thoughtful way.

So to help us with this, I have invited my dear friend and colleague, Markie Keelan, who is also a licensed therapist, as well as a dating coach here on our team to give us the her inside perspective, and the things that she shared with Michael for his story. 

Markie, I know that you contributed to Michael's piece about the strange reality that is dating these days. And I'm curious to know, from your perspective, as a dating coach, what kinds of things you've seen struggle your clients, struggling with? It's maybe a little different run of the mill, dating concerns?

Markie: Right. I mean, I think there's a few different factors involved in dating during the Coronavirus that has added extra layers of complexity to an already complex dating environment. One of the main changes that I've noticed are people highly investing into relationships pretty early on. And I spoke with Michael about this. But just to kind of share with your listeners, if you know, haven't already talked about this. This idea of connecting online through video chatting, feels very safe for multiple different reasons, right? 

You're not going to contract a disease when you're facetiming or zooming in someone. But on the same time, the level of vulnerability that occurs on a video chat versus in person over coffee is different. So you might feel much more comfortable sitting in your house with a glass of wine talking about you know how, your struggles in life have come, you know full circle to successes, then you would you know, at the first meeting with someone at coffee, you might feel a little bit more hesitant to share things. And then the ease of meeting online and texting. We'll find out really quick.

Dr. Lisa: So you're saying that people if they're sitting in their living room talking to somebody’s face on a laptop, that they're actually sharing more, more personal things feeling less vulnerable than they would if they were like, you know, in a restaurant or something having a similar conversation, but people are less careful. Is that what you're saying? Right?

Markie: Well, I believe. I kind of— now that you say it out loud. There's two things is the more careful or less careful,

Dr. Lisa: Less careful..

Markie: Yeah, less powerful to share with them with their potential partner on zoom. Partially because of just the similarity of, you know, being at your living room with a glass of wine with a friend, right? Like you just feel more comfortable in your own surrounding whereas when you go to a new surrounding, you're already feeling a little bit anxious, but good anxiety. If you know you're excited to meet someone, and all those things come together and maybe slow you down from sharing every single thing about yourself or—

Dr. Lisa: Got it

Markie: —have kind of catching you in. Hey, this is a first meeting.

Dr. Lisa: You know, and just what else I thought of like. If you go to a restaurant, at a certain point, the waiter brings the check. And like if you don't pay it, like..

Markie: Oh my gosh, right!

Dr. Lisa: Hover, and I start refilling your water every 17 seconds, until you leave. Right? But like if you're sitting in your living room with a zoom call, you could seriously have like a four hour conversation that isn't like — Okay, everybody time to go, like by the server. I mean—

Markie: 100%

Dr. Lisa: —little logistical things. That's interesting. Yeah.

Markie: It's the structure that's different. Now, I say that there's this other piece too, that I want to bring up, because it's kind of counterintuitive to what I just said. And that is also the person that's judgmental — that dates around. And you know, no one's good enough. They're also going to be more likely to judge much quicker rather, the person that you know, sits back on the zoom call, and is talking in this trying to get information from them and doesn't have that investment. So they'll be much quicker to judge then if they're at that foreign restaurant. They're also feeling a little bit off kilter, because it's their first experience. And then there's also some normality. And, you know, I'm vulnerable, you're vulnerable and kind of reducing some of that judgment, because you might feel a little bit uneasy.

Dr. Lisa: At a restaurant, right?

Markie: Exactly. So I think it depends on what you're kind of bringing in already—

Dr. Lisa: Okay

Markie: —to the dating scene, like what was going on before coronavirus, I think is just kind of, you know, exploded a little bit now during coronavirus.

Dr. Lisa: So Markie, I think I'm hearing you say that, um, someone could actually literally have a checklist next to their laptop on the coffee table and be ticking things off on the list, but that's not actually in your head. And that would not happen in a restaurant.

Markie: Right!

Dr. Lisa: Like maybe, not quite that literally, but like that it feels like that more to people. There's a like, okay, let's talk about financial solvency, like that kind of conversation with the first online zoom date. 

Markie: Yeah. Right! Exactly! Or it could be the second or third because they're happening, you know, two days apart. Versus logistically again, the lack of logistical planning that goes into planning a date in person versus date actually matters when it comes to connection because these conversations around financial planning happen on day three maybe. Right like oh, what do you know? How much money do you make? You know, what, those aren't great date questions in general right? But you know you might..

Dr. Lisa: Fell off the checklist, right? 

Markie: Or reasonable to you know—have these three hour long dates, you know, three you know, in a row in one week, and then all of a sudden you're disclosing this information after knowing someone for one week or asking that of someone after one week.

Dr. Lisa: What is so hard right now because like if somebody texts you in the afternoon is like what are you doing like the answer for pretty much all of us is absolutely nothing would you like to hang out because I'm here in my house and that is almost like whereas normally it would be like yes, you can schedule an appointment with me five days from now that's going to require more advanced notice than it does right now. When…

 

Markie: Totally I'm so glad you bring that up because I actually think that is a topic to talk about really quickly that overly available. You're the people that you're texting that you're talking to — it's never necessarily like the best idea. But because of what you just said, like “What are you doing?” “Yeah, I'm at home alone not doing really anything.” Then you know one that creates that boundary of, “Oh yeah, you can you can access me at any time.”

And then all of a sudden we feel guilty if we don't respond right away because before that whole like, “Oh, there they left you on read,” narrative was actually quite rude. Right? Hey, I know that they could text me back. Well, now that's even more solidified they can text you back and so the expectation is now respond quickly and I think if possible to get that out of the way in the beginning would be really helpful for people to say you know, I do have all of my day kind of like open and free but I really value structure and so even though like I'm not doing necessarily anything work related or anything, you know, creatively related whatever it is that would structure you pre-coronavirus still have structure. 

Dr. Lisa: Yeah.

Markie: Don't be available 24/7 to someone that you're getting to know.

Dr. Lisa: That is such good advice, Markie. And also just like when you think of it in terms of like almost power dynamics, being overly available communicates a, I think, level of vulnerability — that people that you're just getting to know they probably don't need. Don't need access to that, like there's almost a power thing to be able to say, “I probably won't text you back immediately. Don't take it personally, I just have a lot going on to communicate that to someone who's getting to know you.” They'll be like, “Oh, she has a lot going on.”

Markie: Right! Yay. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. Regardless, that is a good place to start communication from boundaried understandable seeing if they can also respect that boundary. But also that you feel that you can assert that boundary and good in the relationship.

Dr. Lisa: Yeah. Yes, that boundary is respected. That's right there. Yeah.

Markie: Well, I am again, I know people might do testing in relationships, but I always just say, you know, make sure the person knows what they're being tested on. You don't give pop quiz of like, “Oh, you know what, they keep texting me all day long. And they're so annoying. I'm going to move on to the next,” you know, actually verbalize. “Hey, you know, I noticed that we have been texting a lot. Is it okay, if we pull back a little bit, you know, I noticed myself getting really distracted from the projects I do have going on outside. And I really want to see where this relationship goes. And I just want to make sure you're comfortable with that.”

Dr. Lisa: Right. And to say that out loud. But gosh, I mean, what a fantastic piece of advice under any circumstances. I think for particular, for women a lot of times is to say very clearly and out loud. This is what I would prefer. And then to watch what someone does with that, because there can be a lot of information that comes from, you know, whether or not people listen to what you're saying, whether or not they respect the things that you're asking for. And if you could find that out sooner rather than later, that would be to your advantage in a relationship. 

Markie: Yeah. I think that brings up there like someone who's communicating that boundary out loud to someone. It brings that also into your own awareness. So I think sometimes we think about boundaries being for the other person. Mm hmm. But it's also for us, in the sense that we're telling them what we need. But we're also able to say, oh, okay, if I do make a judgment on this, if I do notice that this person cannot uphold this boundary, I will feel more validated—to maybe make that a place of judgment for myself to say, you know what, I'm going to have to step away, or I'm going to have to talk about this again. Otherwise, when we don't say it, you feel somewhat uneasy around bringing it up later on down the road, or in general, if we get really upset, and we have an outburst? And they're like, “Whoa, what happened?” And then that's when some of that, you know, gaslighting can come in, like, “Oh, well, you know, I never did that, or I, you know, I never text you that much.” Well, you do, but maybe that person wasn't aware of it. Just communicating in general, I think is really helpful. But it's really important for the person saying and communicating that boundary, I think.

Dr. Lisa: I agree. I agree. And even more, so these days. And then on kind of along those lines, well, actually, no, let me let me get your take on something. So when this was kind of gearing up, you know, March, April, kind of moving into quarantine and the dating landscape really abruptly shifted. You know, changing from having the opportunity to meet someone, in person, have a cocktail potentially have a romantic encounter, at some point. It shifted from, you know, talking on the phone or skyping, or even texting to not having the opportunity as quickly for physical interactions. And the couple  school of thought and one is, is that in this time of kind of increased anxiety, people are understandably maybe more motivated to get serious about finding their person and are coming into interactions with maybe a hope of commitment on their mind.

And think that is maybe something that has increased and also that in the early stage of dating a lot more like just talking about hopes and dreams and who I am and who you are and personality and values and life goals. And that is not being — the word obscured is coming to mind, I don't know if that's the right word or not — but by like sexual chemistry or drinking a little too much wine, you know, like you're really like face to face getting to know someone? And do you think that that shift has led to, you know, on the one hand, maybe relationships that start with a stronger foundation around friendship and have commonalities and common goals? Or do you think that that has led to, I say, problems, but like relationship experiences that counter intuitively have kind of arisen from not having had those in-person interactions in the beginning? I know that's a kind of meandering and unintentionally overly complicated question. But what do you want to know..

Markie: I think I understand kind of the root of this question, because I think I wrestle with it too. A bit. What are some of the benefits of connecting in this way? And what are some of the drawbacks, and what I am seeing from that first statement around, you know, developing that really strong friendship as a basis for a relationship. I think that this is really good for people that have done some of their introspective work, and are saying, “Okay, this is really what I am looking for, I'm connecting with this person, on a different level,” you know. Maybe I was too focused on that physical connection. And now I'm being able to, I'm almost forced to be able to prioritize this emotional connection, or intellectual connection. And that is helpful. I do think that physical presence matters in dating. And not being able to have that physical presence early on, I think can kind of rise two, or two drawbacks can arise from that. One is that that emotional connection can be somewhat edited. So again, a lot of these interactions are in settings that we can very much control. Our home.

Dr. Lisa: Yeah.

Markie: You know, what we are presenting the camera angles. You know, that sounds silly. But really, you know, and a lot of this is also still through texting. And we know from texting, it's completely edited. You know, when we are in a conversation in real time, and an unknown location, we really get to see how someone is out and about in kind of our nature.

Dr. Lisa: Yeah, I was like random things that come up how they interact with the server, what happens if they get agitated when they can't find a parking spot? Like all this kind of stuff that in a very, like, controlled environment, like a zoom call? You don't? You don't get to see the full picture, I guess. 

 

Markie: Right. Yeah. And we're all courting each other, right? So this idea of like, we always present our best selves, when we're starting to date someone, right? We're not going to tell them about all of like, our dirty laundry right up front. And so, you know, it's funny because you bring up a really good point of like, how they interact with the waiter, or like, how they deal with uncertainty or things kind of going amiss. You know, how do they manage that when it's not in, within their control to like, navigate or change. And so you get a lot of information about someone when you're in person with them, that you're missing when it's over zoom, or text. And so I think some of that missing information can lead to some security being built on some unsteady ground, if that makes sense.

Dr. Lisa: Yes, that there are inferences or assumptions being made about who somebody is based on those zoom conversations that might be different, if you weren't with them in person, right? You don't maybe have as much infor— even though maybe like, you have more information about the things they want to tell you about who they are that you don't have the opportunity to see who they are. 

Markie: Yeah, absolutely. And like Lisa, you, you know, this from even working with client work, right, like a client talking about a hard situation they had earlier that week is one thing. But seeing a client during like, in the middle of that crisis, is it can be a different person. And so that's the exact thing of when we have so much insulation around how we arrived to the relationship. It's like, we're presenting our best self on steroids. And I would argue some of the most magical parts of a relationship are built off of our flaws, are built off of how does this person deal with the adversity in their life? How do they deal with the unknown? And falling in love for that person for those reasons of wow, you know what, even though they're not perfect, I really appreciate them. But, you know, of course, alluring perfection that can come from an edited version, of course, is also there, too. 

Dr. Lisa: Got it. And so what I think I'm hearing you say is that there's, you know, potential, the potential for having a relationship that's established on more friendship, as opposed to sexual chemistry. But the dark side of that is running the risk of having a relationship that is based on an overly curated self image that leads you to believe that you know who someone is. And you don't actually. And so maybe developing an attachment or an idea about who this person you're dating is that is not fully based in reality. Is that an overly harsh way of saying it? Or?

 

Markie: No, I mean, I think that's pretty appropriate. And I also say that the inverse is true, too. You know, I have some clients that are more on the anxious side. And they're really worried about “delivering” — I’m using air quotes here — on that first date in person, you know, what we made all these connections, you know, over zoom calls, and am I going to live up to their expectation. Maybe I overplayed or overly confident in talking to them about all these vulnerable things, what if they see me and the connections not there. And of course, you know, like, that may be a possibility. But also I don't encourage people to align with that type of anxious thinking, you know, if you are going to be dating during this time, embrace all of it, you know, embrace the fact that you are going to get to know someone through more of a friendship lens first, and treat it like that, you know, treat it in the same fashion, as you're going to be vulnerable to an extent, you're going to hopefully meet in person at some point, and allow that to be your first in person interaction, you know, make it special. Don't put that pressure on it of, it needs to be exactly like, you know, the connection over zoom. It's not going to be, it's going to be different. It could be better, could be worse, but it could be better.

 

Dr. Lisa: It could be better. Yeah. But and also, like, I think to—my takeaway from hearing you talk is like to be reminding yourself that you are still getting to know that person. Even if you've been spending a lot of time talking with them is that until you do have the opportunity to be with them in real life. And you know, getting to know someone over time to maybe keep reserve your final judgment until you have all the information you need. And I, you know, I'm thinking right now. And I think, I don't know if this is true for many people dating, I hope it's not, but I'm thinking of two clients that I have talked to recently, who had this experience. They got to know guys through zoom and calls that seemed really nice. And they wanted to get to know better, and wound up having really, like, actually unpleasant experiences with them in person that surprised them. And like, let's not forget that, you know, there's safety issues still, when you're out there dating, particularly if you're not meeting at a restaurant, where do you meet? Do you go to somebody's house like and to be, and not to be overly, like cynical or darker being it but to be using good judgment and be cautious.

Markie: Absolutely.

Dr. Lisa: And it’s not making assumptions about based on who you think you have come to learn someone is over zoom calls. Is that fair? 

 

Markie: Yeah. I mean, absolutely no one, no one feels good about being kind of duped by someone, especially on a dating app. And having that interaction, validate some of what you're feeling. And I want to also say, you know, even if you do go on an in-person date, you know, there's the potential to you know, second third date realize they are a different person.

Dr. Lisa: I don't like you. [laughs]

Markie: Right, you know, this is an evolution of our relationship. And it's adding a new layer. That's the way I'm looking at it. It's like, you know, before you know what, for telephones were invented, everything was in person, then telephones were invented. And then you know, we got to call, you know, our crushes and our boyfriends and things like that, and then text and all of a sudden more communication. And now it's this other form. And so we've just added something new to dating, and so make that adaptation, but no one is going to change the landscape, you know. And so that connection that you have in person on a first date is going to be different than when it's a zoom first date. But it's also going to be different when you can meet in person. And so just mitigate your expectations, you know, understand and give grace to the other person too. You know, don't be overly harsh, but also, you know, it's a first in person date, you know, really give it its space that it deserves.

Dr. Lisa: Yeah. Great advice. And then lastly, before I let you go, I'm curious to know, from, you know, as you kind of scroll through your clients and people that you've talked to that have been dating, have you had any experiences with clients or even people that you know personally, where this has really worked out well for them. And they have been able to form new relationships that feel really positive, and it seemed to be enduring?

Markie: Yeah, you know what, I'm glad you asked that question, because I definitely have, I think that one of the things that this time period is bringing out for individuals in general, is the need to really know what you are comfortable with and what you're not comfortable with in relationships. And so all of a sudden, this kind of landscape that where a lot of people had to go on a first date to know who someone was. Now, this kind of more open access to dating either multiple people through zoom, or being more open to like, Hey, I don't do first meetings in person, I need to like do a zoom call, or I, you know, we can socially distance, whatever that is. Yeah, that is actually. think bringing about a lot of people finding others that are in the same value system as they are. You know. And I think that that is something that I've really seen come out of this that I enjoy as a dating coach, of just seeing my clients go through is, they're really being able to connect with people that are more like minded, because they're also aligning with their values, much more so now. So I think this at minimum has that positive effect for people.

Dr. Lisa: Markie, thank you so much for sharing that. I'm glad to leave things on a positive note. And thank you so much too for sharing all your really good advice and tips.

Markie: Great. Well! No, thank you so much for having me. And, you know, I hope to continue to discuss this topic with you more in the future. 

Dr. Lisa: As things evolve. We'll see how it all goes. If you'd like to learn more about Markie and her practice, you can learn all about her on her site at growingself.com. And you can also cruise over to our blog at growingself.com and do a little search for Markie Keelan, or the search word “dating advice.” And you will see so much more from Markie. She's written a number of articles on the topic. And if you scroll back in this podcast feed, you'll also find more great dating advice from Markie as well as others on our team. And also if you would like to get all of the details about what it's really like to be dating these days, again, go to www.michaelstahlwrites.com or do a search for Michael Stahl to find his thoughtful, vulnerable, and oh-so-insightful writing, and commentary around dating these days at mel.com or Narratively.

So thank you guys for tuning in. And I'll be in touch again soon with another episode of the Love, Happiness and Success podcast.

 

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As a relationship therapist and dating coach, many of my single clients who are looking for that forever love, come to me asking, “What am I doing wrong?” expressing feelings of confusion, hurt, and even outrage at the current state of the dating world. Today I want to share with you dating tips to navigate the online dating pool of uncertainty and discomfort so that you can enter the dating world with confidence and assuredness that you’re not alone in feeling this way. 

It’s Not You…It’s Your Dating Platform

Okay, you’ve decided to jump in – to try out this online approach to dating, and what better time than now when social distancing is in full swing? It’s not like you can go to the bar or join a club to meet someone new these days, you have to get a little more creative and with SO many people circulating on and through dating apps and websites…where do you even begin?

When it comes to online dating, there are apps and websites galore for you to choose from. The biggest difference between using an app like Tinder vs. a website like OkCupid is that dating sites that require a questionnaire (or a financial commitment) tend to attract people that are more serious about looking for a relationship. Where it is more common to find people that are looking for a relationship as well as causal hookup up on swipe apps. 

Using an app or website is not necessarily better than the other but it may be helpful to think about what you are looking for and to choose a site or an app depending on the type of person that particular platform attracts. I often recommend that people join more than one platform to increase their pool of people.

Don’t Believe Everything You Read

Dating profiles are intimidating – they’re intimidating to create and they're even intimidating to read. Dating clients will ask me, “How can I trust that this is real?” And it is true…people have a tendency to answer personal questionnaires as they would like to be, not as they really are. 

We all want to put our best foot forward, especially when it comes to meeting someone new. So, it’s likely that there will be embellishments on dating profiles. Consider the profile similar to a first impression – while you aren’t getting the full impression of the person, you are seeing (typically) who they want to be or believe they can be if they aren’t that person already.

My advice here is to not jump to conclusions. Don’t assume that what you read in the profile is completely true, but don’t discount what the profile says because it seems to good to be true. So while the personality questionnaire may not be 100 percent accurate they may at least give some idea of who that person is or at least who they aspire to be.

Use the dating profile as a jumping-off point to get to know the person, not to judge who they are or aren’t based on the answers they filled out. 

Finding Your Perfect Match: More than a Questionnaire 

For many online dating sites, the questionnaire will allow you to connect with similarly minded people – those who have a high percentage of matching with you based on the answers that you filled out. 

The truth is, there is no foolproof way to succeed in finding the perfect match but there are definitely things that will increase your chances such as having a great profile, clarifying for yourself what you are looking for in a partner and how to assess others for that quality, having a positive mindset about dating, having a positive mindset about yourself, identifying your shortcoming when it comes to dating and taking steps to improve those things, and obviously being willing to go on lots of dates!

Don’t discount a potential match because your “match rating” is lower than others. Dating requires getting to know people – talking, listening, and seeing where your compatibility is outside of the questionnaire answers you both filled out. 

Your Dating Profile IS Your First Impression

You may get the opportunity to turn your matches into real-life dates, but the relationship ultimately starts from your profile. As mentioned before, dating profiles (creating and reading) are intimidating! Some of my tips for creating a standout dating profile are: 

  • Include good quality and thoughtfully chosen pictures. The pictures may be the only thing someone looks at – each picture should have a purpose that gives information about you (no selfie bathroom shots!!!!). It should also be easy to identify who you are in the photo (keep it simple, don’t include a bunch of group photos). For more tips on taking outstanding dating profile pictures, see: Denver Dating Coach: How to Get The Best Online Dating Profile Photo
  • Share something unique, interesting, and important. Give people enough interesting information in your profile that they have something for a conversation starter. Saying “I like dogs and beach volleyball” might be an easy way to plan that first date, but ultimately doesn’t share anything about who you are.
  • Don’t complain. I cannot stress this enough, don’t complain and especially don’t talk about how much you hate online dating in your profile (you’d be surprised at how often this happens). 

When you find a match – or someone you’re interested in getting to know a little more, you may have the opportunity to send them a message. When messaging others, ask a specific question or comment about their profile, don’t ever a start a conversation with nothing but a “hey.”

Avoid Appearing Desperate

Dating apps are often used for casual hookups and brief interactions – and when you are looking for more than just a one-night stand it can be hard to come off as fun and flirty when you know that ultimately what you want may not be what 99% of your matches are looking for. 

Be honest about what you are looking for in your profile, and then behave in ways that are consistent with what you want. If you want a serious relationship then don’t engage in behavior that is consistent with hook up culture – meeting up late at night, texting when drinking, etc.. Also remember that the main purpose of a first or second date is only to see if you’re interested in a second or third date. Relax and enjoy getting to know people without interrogating them about future plans on the first date to avoid coming off as desperate. Be patient, these things take time.

Beware of the Bright Red Flag 

The biggest red flag is someone that waits extended periods of time between responses (days to weeks). People that are committed to this process tend to be responsive and make themself available. People that are looking for a partner are not wanting a pen pal. Limit your messaging to a couple of days and then find a time to meet in person (in public), that way you don’t waste time messaging someone for weeks only to find out that there is no real connection when face to face.

Dealbreakers – What Matters Most

Dealbreakers are specific to each person. You need to decide what are YOUR dealbreakers are before you begin dating. Some people feel like a difference in politics is a dealbreaker where that is totally fine for someone else. Be thoughtful about what you are ok with and what will end up destroying a relationship in the long run. 

If you are looking for a serious relationship, a long-term commitment, you have to be honest with yourself about what works and doesn’t work for you. To say, “Oh, I can grow to love that about them,” or “It’s not that big of deal, really” will only hurt you in the long run. 

Dating More Than One Person at a Time

Your matches are lining up, you’re feeling pretty good about your prospects and the conversations that are unfolding – but is it okay to date more than one person at a time? How many people you choose to date at a time needs to be dependent on each person. If you tend to jump into relationships quickly and put all your eggs in one basket, you’re better off dating multiple people at once. If you tend to struggle to commit, and dating lots of people supports that avoidance, try dating one person at a time. 

Ultimately, there is no right or wrong way to go about online dating – show up as yourself and be honest with yourself throughout the process. When things start to feel like “too much” know it’s okay to walk away, and if things start to “fit” then move forward. The wonderful thing about dating is you get to choose how you’ll move forward or when you’ll walk away based on your wants and needs. 

Here’s to you and your online dating adventures!
Jessica Small, M.A., LMFT

 

Online Marriage Counselor Denver Couples Therapy Premarital Counseling Online Family Therapy Postpartum Perinatal Denver Tech Center Therapist

Jessica Small, M.A., LMFT is a couples counselor, premarital counselor, therapist, and life coach who is passionate about helping individuals, families & couples create more fulfilling lives and relationships, and to function at an optimum level of health and happiness.

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Modern dating is complex and challenging. I've had so many listener questions about dating coming in lately, that I just had to address them on a podcast! In particular, we're diving deep and talking through some of the more complicated aspects of “dating life” that many people struggle with.

Single And Sad

SAD ABOUT BEING SINGLE? Many people are bravely putting themselves out there, but feeling discouraged that they'll ever find “the one.” On top of the normal frustrations of dating, there's a hidden emotional complexity here: They feel sad about being single. Like, really sad. They watch coupled people longingly, and may even find it difficult to be around couple-friends.

This experience adds a layer of anxiety and stress to dating. When you often feel down about your single-ness, it's hard to put on a brave face and be the sparkly, fun-loving person you feel like you need to be to attract a new person. A listener wrote in sharing that she was feeling so triggered by her couple-friends, and so DONE with doing things alone that she felt herself withdrawing from many things. She asked, “How do you cope with intense feelings of sadness about being single?”

I addressed this question in-depth on the latest episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast. (Hint: The punchline is NOT about how to be happy alone — just the opposite!)

Here's another great question about dating:

Dating After Divorce

WONDERING WHEN YOU'RE READY TO START DATING AFTER DIVORCE? Another listener wrote in asking about how to know if it was okay to be dating another recently divorced person, or if you were rushing into things too soon? On the podcast, I talked him through some of the pros and cons to consider to help him decide if his dating was a positive thing for him… or potentially interfering with his process of growing and healing after divorce.

On the podcast I shared some insights for all of the positive parts of starting a new relationship after divorce, as well as what kinds of personal growth work may potentially be blocked by jumping into a relationship too soon after divorce, and what kinds of personal blind spots (if unaddressed) may lead to a less successful new relationship going forward.

Yet another listener asked:

Dating As a Single Parent

WHEN SHOULD YOU TELL THE KIDS ABOUT A NEW RELATIONSHIP?  Modern dating can be complicated enough, but if you're dating as a single parent there are many more things to consider than how you feel about someone new. A listener of the podcast wrote in, describing a situation of dating a woman for quite some time. Both of them are single parents, but he's becoming increasingly concerned and frustrated that she is still refusing to tell her children that they're dating.

On the podcast I talked about a few of the things that might be going on behind the scenes for her (and that all parents who are dating should be aware of, frankly) to point out some possible reasons she may not be comfortable telling the kids about this new relationship. I also touched upon some ways that he might communicate about this subject without starting a fight, and that will help him determine if this is a relationship he'd like to pursue. (Or whether or not he's with a person who is, in fact, not emotionally available for a relationship right now).

I've also heard from a number of listeners lately struggling with this question:

Daring To Trust Again

HOW DO I TRUST SOMEONE NEW AFTER BEING CHEATED ON? If you've been hurt or betrayed in a past relationship, it can be very hard to even want to date again, much less trust again. I talked through what the process of healing after betrayal looks like, in order to give you a roadmap of some of the personal growth work to do before dating again so that you are dating from a place of strength and self-awareness.

Secondly, I also addressed the process of how you can feel safe after betrayal, particularly when it comes to dating new people after you've been cheated on in the past. Part of it has do do with cultivating confidence in your own judgment, and understanding some of the warning signs that you're getting involved with someone who is likely to cheat on you or betray you in the future.

All that, and even MORE of your dating questions on this edition of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast. Thanks for listening!

xoxo,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

PS: Do YOU have questions for me about dating, or anything else related to your journey towards Love, Happiness and Success? I'd love to hear them, and just might answer them on an upcoming episode of the podcast, or in a new blog article or IGTV video. You can ask YOUR questions either in the comments below (I read every single one!) or by submitting your question through this secure online form. All the best, LMB

PSS: At least for the next few weeks, I'm going to be recording new episodes of the podcast LIVE on Instagram so that I can answer listener questions in real-time. I hope you join me! @drlisamariebobby, every Monday at 12pm Mountain. Hope to see you there!

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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She's the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

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Office Romance Pros and Cons

Office Romance Pros and Cons

Office Romance Pros and Cons

Is Dating a Coworker a Bad Idea?

Click here for the full article by journalist Annie Taylor on the pros and cons of office romance.

This interview with Annie was a fun overview of the pros and cons of an office romance. I'm so glad she's raising awareness around this important issue: if you're considering getting romantically involved with a coworker there is a lot to consider! Here at Growing Self, we do quite a bit of career coaching, as well as dating coaching. Sometimes career coaching and dating coaching converge, as our clients grapple with the pros and cons of an office romance.

Are you developing feelings for a coworker? We spend so much time at work that it's only natural to have our workplaces be one of the primary points of contact for meeting new people. If you're single, chances are that sooner or later you might find yourself with a crush on a coworker. While office romances are not uncommon, relationships that start at work can present unique challenges and, frankly, hazards. “Fishing in the company pond” can be risky, both personally and professionally. If you are considering getting involved romantically with a coworker, here are some things to consider…

Dating in the Workplace: Pros and Cons

Although office romance can be fraught with challenges, these relationships do have advantages as well.

Pros of dating in the workplace:

Opportunity: Modern dating can feel like an endless parade of possible partners, all a swipe or scroll away. [Check out “The New Rules for Dating”]. For many singles, constantly vetting new people, engaging in text-based banter, and going out on dates to nowhere gets really old, really fast. Many people start to feel discouraged and overwhelmed by the prospect of finding “The One” through online dating or chatting up random strangers.

At work, however, you're afforded with natural opportunities to meet new people organically and spend time with them on neutral ground before potentially moving further into friendship or romance. You're also more likely to come into contact with people you already have similarities with in terms of education, interests, and shared life experiences. All these things make it easier to have natural conversations that generally feel much less pressured and fraught than awkward first dates.

Starting As Friends: Another upside to meeting new people on the job is the opportunity to develop a friendly relationship that starts slowly and develops over time. We know from research into couples and family therapy that the strongest, most enduring romantic relationships are ones built on a solid foundation of friendship and respect. Unlike starting a relationship with immediate romantic intentions, an office romance often blooms after months or even years of getting to know each other first as coworkers, and then as friends. This foundation can be an asset to your relationship if you become long-term partners.

Getting to Know Character: Perhaps most importantly, when you get to know people on the job, you usually have many opportunities to observe them in different — often stressful — situations. When you work with people you have a front row seat for how they manage stress, how they communicate, their level of emotional intelligence, how they handle challenging circumstances, whether they are courageous or avoidant, whether or not they follow through with things, how they are regarded by others, how they manage their time and priorities, whether they generally have their crap together, and much more.

This is in contrast to typical dating relationships where people tend to be on best behavior for the first weeks or months of an early romance, sometimes concealing or downplaying more difficult aspects of their character in order to be as attractive as possible. In these situations, couples often find themselves having to work through differences and disappointments as they become more genuine and authentic with each other.

Character Is Revealed Over Time, and in the way people handle themselves under stressful or challenging conditions. If you get romantically involved with a co-worker it's generally after a significant period of time when you've been able to get to know them from the sidelines, and have gotten a sense of who they are and how they handle themselves before moving into a romantic relationship. This too can be a significant advantage to a positive future relationship, as well as a great opportunity to know ahead of time whether you may have fundamental compatibility issues or mismatched values (and avoid getting involved altogether).

Cons of dating in the workplace:

While dating a coworker can have some advantages, there are also many challenges and risks that you don't have if you resist mixing the personal with the professional.

The Office Romance Dumpster Fire — Misunderstandings, Affairs and… Sexual Harassment: When office romances go wrong, they can go spectacularly wrong and with severe consequences to all involved.

Having an Affair With a Coworker

First of all, the most common place for people to become entangled in an affair or infidelity situation that can destroy a marriage and break apart a family is through an office romance. Why? It's very common to develop a crush on a coworker, even if you're married, or your coworker is married, or otherwise involved. Normal people in good relationships can develop transient attractions for other people — it happens all the time. [More on this, check out “What to Do if You're Married With a Crush On Someone Else.]

However, if people don't practice a lot of self-awareness, self-restraint, and put their commitments first, they can easily become intoxicated by romantic feelings with someone (Someone they see every day! And go on business trips with!). Romantic infatuations can lead people to do regrettable things that can create huge messes and sometimes irreparable damage to the most important relationships in their lives.

Romantic Rejection By a Coworker

Less tragically, but more embarrassingly, if you develop or have a crush on a coworker, you will almost invariably take the other person's professional interest, friendliness, and responsiveness as a sign that your coworker has a crush on you, too. This can embolden you to ask them out, or proclaim your feelings, and have it land with an awkward thud. Not only will you feel rejected romantically, but you may have damaged a once easy professional relationship. The other person may feel uncomfortable around you, and it may impact your professional performance, as well as your emotions.

Sexual Harassment: The Risk is Real

Of course, if your advances land with a thud and you don't have the humility to apologize and let it go, but rather continue expressing your romantic interest, complimenting them on their appearance, or God forbid, making sexual or suggestive comments, this can very quickly degenerate into a situation where you are committing sexual harassment. This can land you in hot water with HR, damage your professional reputation, or even put you at risk for a lawsuit.

This is especially true if there is any type of power imbalance in your professional relationship, which there almost always is. Even if you're not in a direct supervising role or the boss of someone you have a crush on, you may have more power in the workplace than they do by virtue of your tenure, professional relationships, or role in relation to them. In these cases, your romantic overtures may create extreme stress and anxiety for someone who fears that upsetting you or rejecting may put their career at risk.

Really: They may smile, laugh at your jokes, and sidestep your advances in an indirect way that feels encouraging, but understand that they are trying to protect themselves while appeasing you. Trust me on this: I've worked with many people who have spent many, many coaching sessions trying to figure out how to survive this type of toxic workplace environment that unwanted advances create. You don't want to be that person!

Takeaway: If you want to test the waters to see if your romantic feelings are reciprocated by a coworker, do so with extreme caution and understand that anything less than a clear and enthusiastic response means “No.” Say it once then stop. If they're interested, they know where to find you.

While indulging in any romantic feelings for a coworker can lead to unwanted consequences, you might also consider the potential risks and pitfalls of an office romance if this does turn into a real relationship.

Impact on Job Performance: Couples fight. They get upset with each other, and need to work through things that are often very emotionally triggering. When you're feeling emotionally activated, it can be very challenging to work with your partner around necessary professional things. Frosty silences, snarky comments, passive-aggressive jabs — you know. We've all been there, but imagine it happening in a team meeting, or in front of other colleagues. It will damage your ability to perform your job, but it can also impact morale, communication, and feelings of emotional safety for everyone on the team. This is especially true if you're in a leadership position and carrying on with an employee.

Boredom: Part of having a healthy, long-term relationship is having diversity and growth in both people. When two people have different interests, work experiences, friend groups and more, it creates new experiences, new things to talk about, and the opportunity to learn and grow with each other.

Couples who ride in the same car to work together, interact with all the same people, know exactly what happens during the day, and ride home together at night often find themselves feeling like their relationships get stagnant quickly. If you and your partner work together, make it a point to at least pursue other hobbies or friendships during your off-work hours, or find novel experiences to do together so your relationship continues to feel fresh.

Breaking Up When You Work Together: As a breakup recovery expert I am often approached by people who feel genuinely trapped in the most heart wrenching of circumstances: breaking up with someone they work with. Breakups can be tremendously painful, anxiety provoking, and downright gutting under the best of circumstances.

But when you have to see your Ex every day at work, and can't avoid contact with them, it makes the suffering and pain so much more intense. When you work with your Ex, it also makes it very difficult to get the distance you need to recover and move on after heartbreak. A significant percentage of people find the experience of working with their Ex so painful that they feel they must leave their job. In this way, a failed office romance can have devastating consequences not just personally, but on their professional trajectory as well.

Best Practices For Dating a Coworker

I hope this discussion of the pros and cons of an office romance have helped you get clarity about how (or if) to proceed. If you do, please think through all the possible pitfalls — there are many! As always, being committed to living with intention, practicing a high degree of self-awareness, staying true to your values, and mindfully approaching situations with a genuine desire for the health and wellbeing of all involved will help you make good choices.

All the best to you,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She's the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

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How To Fall In Love Again

Let’s Talk About Date Night

If you’re in a long-term relationship the time will come when that burning flame of romance and passion dims to a comfortable warmth, it’s inevitable. This doesn’t mean that the romance and passion are over, it’s a new era of your relationship. If you welcome this era with an open mind and a willingness to experience this stage with your partner – you will find that this warmth is not only sustaining to your relationship but welcoming.

I know it can feel discouraging to think back on how alive and in love you once were before the chaos of life, work, and family obligations became primary conversations at the dinner table. Maybe you’re even asking yourself “can it ever be like it once was?”

The truth is, if you’re both willing to put in the effort to keep your relationship “lit” then YES you can have those rekindling experiences in your relationship! In fact, research by love gurus Dr. John and Julie Gottman has even shown that couples on the road to separation were able to rekindle the flame in their relationship. So what’s the secret? You guessed it…date night.

How To Get The Most Out Of Date Night

It’s easy enough to go on a date if time and circumstance allow. However, it can feel like there’s just not enough time in the day for dating, and if you are like most of my couples clients you have a lot going on. It can feel like your only conversations together happen in passing after a long day at work or at the dinner table with the kids. This means that you have to be intentional about date night, and you need to get the most out of your time together (yes, I’m talking quality over quantity).

So, How Do You Do This?

First, it’s important to choose a time that works for both of you. It might feel silly scheduling each other in, but I promise if you schedule your date together you’re both more likely to make it work. So sit down, get those phones out (or paper agendas, whatever works for you!) and pick a time where you are either both free or available to move your schedule around. This might mean getting a babysitter, rearranging less important plans, or simply saying “no” to lesser obligations. But remember, you don’t have to force a date for the sake of dating. Sometimes an hour at the nearby coffee shop can be just as fun — do what works best for you!

Next, be deliberate about the activity you choose to do together. Since time is limited, what you do with that time is important. Try to orchestrate a date that is both fun and meaningful for both of you! The more thought you put into the date, the more you’ll get out of it. Before this starts sounding like a chore, I’m not talking about an itinerary that has every little moment planned out. Think about what you both like to do? Where do you like to go? What have you done in the past you’d like to do again? What are some new places, food, or experiences you would like to try?

Number one rule – make this time about the two of you. You don’t have to stick to any version of a date that isn’t appealing to you. However, the more time you spend together, the easier dating becomes. If this means staying home and watching a movie together, sitting on the balcony with a glass of wine, going out to an upscale restaurant, or checking out the “hottest” club – do what’s right for the both of you.

Looking for some great date night suggestions? Take a look at these simple to elaborate ideas you can implement into your new date night routine.

Fun Simple Suggestions:

  1. Pizza & A Movie Marathon— whether you like the DIY method of making your own homemade pizza or you like someone else to do the work for you (aka…ordering delivery), this is a staple date night. You can choose a movie that has a special meaning to the two of you, or maybe even take turns showing your current or childhood favorites.
  2. Build A Fort or “Camp” Indoors—sometimes laying down together in a new place can be exciting and spark some old feelings you thought were lost!
  3. Go On A Long Walk Together—use this time to hold hands, talk about life, or even get to know each other more. Did you know that exercise helps release brain chemicals that can make you feel happier? So by simply doing something active together can create positive feelings between you and your partner.
  4. Desserts and Discovery—make your favorite desserts together and ask one another questions to get to know each other again. There are various apps that supply questions to ask your partner (I recommend the “Gottman Card Decks” app). You could even get creative and use this desserts and discovery date to spark some sexual intimacy as well!

More Elaborate Suggestions:

  1. Surprise Date Night—if you and your partner have similar schedules, surprise your partner with a spontaneous date (to a restaurant, bowling alley, movies, etc). The excitement of the surprise may spark some long-awaited affection.
  2. A Mini-Vacay—find a babysitter and book a hotel room for the night! A night away from home can be especially rejuvenating for a relationship, especially if you have children.
  3. Take A Class Together—some communities offer classes to the public. Register for a local class together such as art, culinary, dancing, or exercise classes. Some classes may even be free!
  4. Recreate Your First Date—think about your very first date together and recreate it.  Reminiscing on the past may help reignite passion in the present. It can also be helpful to talk through all of the obstacles you have overcome as a couple over the years and take time to appreciate how your partner has contributed to the strengths in your relationship.

Date night can be a helpful tool for relationship health. Whether you’re wanting to stick to something simple or splurge on an elaborate night out, there are many exciting ways to get to know your partner and rediscover the excitement in your relationship. Try some of these suggestions and share your experience with me below in the comments section!

Wishing you the best on your date,
Georgi Chizk, M.S., LAMFT

Georgi Chizk, M.S., LAMFT is a warm, compassionate marriage counselor, individual therapist and family therapist who creates a safe and supportive space for you to find meaning in your struggles, realize your self-worth, and cultivate healthy connections with the most important people in your life.

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