How to Feel More Secure in Your Relationship

How to Feel More Secure in Your Relationship

How to Feel More Secure in Your Relationship

Let Yourself Feel Loved

OVERCOMING INSECURITY | It's not uncommon for both women and men to feel insecure in a relationship from time to time. We often see emotional insecurity as an underlying issue to address with couples who come to us for marriage counseling, couples therapy, premarital counseling and relationship coaching. After all, when couples don't feel completely emotionally safe and secure with each other it tends to create conflict and problems in many other areas of their partnership. [For more on the importance of emotional safety and how it may be impacting YOUR relationship, access our free “How Healthy is Your Relationship” Quiz and my mini-couples coaching follow up video series.]

It's especially true for people in new relationships to have some anxiety, but even people in long-term relationships can worry about their partner's feelings for them sometimes. While very common, feeling insecure in your relationship can create problems — for both of you. 

Root Causes of Insecurity

If insecurity is an issue in your relationship — either for you, or your partner — you might be speculating about the root causes of insecurity and how to heal them. People can struggle to feel emotionally safe with their partner for a variety of reasons — sometimes due to their life experiences, but sometimes, due to things that have happened in the current relationship itself. 

Insecurity After Infidelity: Certainly being let down or betrayed by your partner in the past can lead you to struggle with trust in the present moment. Insecurity after infidelity or an emotional affair is very common. In these cases, the path to healing can be a long one. The person who did the betraying often needs to work very hard, for a long time, to show (not tell, but show) their partners that they can trust them.

Anxiety After Being Let Down Repeatedly: However, insecurities can also start to emerge after less dramatic betrayals and disappointments. Even feeling that your partner has not been emotionally available for you, has not been consistently reliable, or was there for you in a time of need, it can lead you to question the strength of their commitment and love. Trust is fragile: If your relationship has weathered storms, learning how to repair your sense of trust and security can be a vital part of healing. Often, couples need to go back into the past to discuss the emotional wounds they experienced with each other in order to truly restore the bond of safety and security. These conversations can be challenging, but necessary.

Insecurity Due to Having Been Hurt in the Past: Sometimes people who have had negative experiences in past relationships can feel insecure, due to having been traumatized by others. For some people, their very first relationships were with untrustworthy or inconsistent parents and that led to the development of insecure attachment styles. This can lead them to feel apprehensive or protective with anyone who gets close. However, even people with loving parents and happy childhoods can carry scars of past relationships, particularly if they lived through a toxic relationship at some point in their lives. It's completely understandable: Having been burned by an Ex can make it harder to trust a new partner, due to fears of being hurt again.

Long Distance Relationships: Certain types of relationships can lead people to feel less secure than they'd like to, simply due to the circumstances of the relationship itself. For example, you might feel more insecure if you're in a long-distance relationship.  Not being able to connect with your partner or see them in person all the time can take a toll on even the strongest relationship. Couples in long-distance relationships should expect that they will have to work a little harder than couples who are together day-to-day, in order to help each person to feel secure and loved. In these cases, carefully listening to each other about what both of you are needing to feel secure and loved is vital, as is being intentionally reliable and consistent.

Feeling Insecure When You're Dating Someone New: And, as we all know, early-stage romantic love is a uniquely vulnerable experience and often fraught with anxiety. Dating someone new is exciting, but it can also be intensely anxiety-provoking. In new (or new-ish) relationships where a commitment has not been established, not fully knowing where you stand with a new person that you really like is emotionally intense. If you're dating, or involved in a new relationship, you may need to deliberately cultivate good self-soothing and calming skills in order to manage the emotional roller coaster that new love can unleash. 

Feeling Insecure With a Withdrawn Partner: Interestingly, different types of relationship dynamics can lead to differences in how secure people feel. The same person can feel very secure and trusting in one relationship, but with a different person, feel suspicious, worried, and on pins and needles. Often this has to do with the relational dynamic of the couple.

For example, in relationships where one person has a tendency to withdraw, be less communicative, or is not good at verbalizing their feelings it can lead their partner to feel worried about what's really going on inside of them. This can turn into a pursue-withdraw dynamic that intensifies over time; one person becoming increasingly anxious and agitated about not being able to get through to their partner, and the withdrawn person clamping down like a clam under assault by a hungry seagull. However, when communication improves and couples learn how to show each other love and respect in the way they both need to feel safe and secure, trust is strengthened and emotional security is achieved.

Types of Insecurities

Emotional security (or lack of) is complex. In addition to having a variety of root causes, there are also different ways that insecurity manifests in people —and they all have an impact on your relationship. As has been discussed in past articles on this blog, people who struggle with low self esteem may find it hard to feel safe in relationships because they are anticipating rejection. The “insecure overachiever” may similarly struggle to feel secure in relationships if they're not getting the validation and praise they thrive on. 

For others, insecurity is linked to an overall struggle with vulnerability and perfectionism. People who feel like they need to be perfect in order to be loved can — subconsciously or not — try to hide their flaws. But, on a deep level, they know they're not perfect (no one is) and so that knowledge can lead to feelings of apprehension when they let other people get close to them. In these cases, learning how to lean into authentic vulnerability can be the path of healing. [More on this: “The Problem With Perfectionism”]

Sometimes people who are going through a particularly hard time in other parts of their lives can start to feel apprehensive about their standing in their relationship. For example, people who aren't feeling great about their career can often feel insecure when they're around people who they perceive as being more successful or accomplished than they are. This insecurity is heightened in the case of a layoff or unexpected job loss. If one partner in a relationship is killing it, and the other is feeling under-employed or like they're still finding their way, it can lead the person who feels dissatisfied with their current level of achievement to worry that their partner is dissatisfied with them too. 

Insecurities can take many forms, and emerge for a variety of reasons. However, when insecurity is running rampant the biggest toll it takes is often on a relationship. 

How Insecurity Can Ruin a Relationship

To be clear: Having feelings is 100% okay. Nothing bad is going to happen to you, or your relationship, or anyone else because you have feelings of anxiety or insecurity. The only time relationship problems occur as a result of feelings is when your feelings turn into behaviors.

If people who feel insecure, anxious, jealous or threatened don't have strategies to soothe themselves and address their feelings openly with their partner (and have those conversations lead to positive changes in the relationship), the feelings can lead to behaviors that can harm the relationship. Some people lash out in anger when they perceive themselves to be in emotional danger, or that their partner is being hurtful to them.  Often, people who feel insecure will attempt to control their partner's behaviors in efforts to reduce their own anxiety. Many insecure people will hound their partners for information about the situations they feel worried about. Still others will withdraw, pre-emptively, as a way of protecting themselves from the rejection they anticipate.

While all of these strategies are adaptive when you are in a situation where hurtful things are happening, (more on toxic relationships here) problems occur when these defensive responses flare up in a neutral situation. A common example of this is the scenario where one person repeatedly asks their partner if they're cheating on them because they feel anxious, when their partner is actually 100% faithful to them and has done nothing wrong. The insecure person might question their partner, attack their partner, check up on their partner, or be cold and distant due to their worries about being cheated on or betrayed — when nothing bad is actually happening. This leaves the person on the other side feeling hurt, controlled, rejected, vilified… or simply exhausted. 

If feelings of insecurity are leading to problematic behaviors in a relationship, over time, if unresolved, it can erode the foundation of your partnership. 

How to Help Someone Feel More Secure

It's not uncommon for partners of insecure people to seek support through therapy or life coaching, or couples counseling either for themselves or with their partners. They ask, “How do I help my wife feel more secure,” or “How do I help my husband feel more secure.” This is a great question; too often partners put the blame and responsibility for insecure feelings squarely on the shoulders of their already-anxious spouse or partner. This, as you can imagine, only makes things worse. 

While creating trust in a relationship is a two-way street, taking deliberate and intentional action to help your partner feel emotionally safe with you in the ways that are most important to him or her is the cornerstone of helping your insecure girlfriend, insecure boyfriend, or insecure spouse feel confident in your love for them. The key here is consistency, and being willing to do things to help them feel emotionally secure even if you don't totally get it. This is especially true of the origins of your partner's worry stem from early experiences of being hurt or betrayed by someone else. 

Tips to help your spouse feel more secure: 

  • Ask them what they need from you to feel emotionally safe and loved by you
  • Give that to them (over and over again, without being asked every time)
  • Rinse and repeat

How to Stop Being Insecure

Of course, it's very frustrating to partners who feel like they're not just true-blue, but doing everything they feel they can to help someone feel safe and secure… and yet insecurities persist. While partners of anxious people do need to try a little harder to help them feel secure, the person who struggles with insecurity needs to also take responsibility for their feelings and learn how to manage them effectively. Note: This doesn't mean not ever having worried or insecure feelings (feelings happen y'all), but rather, learning how to have feelings that don't turn into relationship-damaging behaviors.

Without the ability to soothe yourself, become grounded in the here and now, and get your emotional needs met by your partner (or yourself), unbridled insecurity can put a major strain on a relationship. But how? How do you manage insecurity? That's the million-dollar question, and that's why I've made it the topic of the latest episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast! 

If you're struggling with insecurity in your relationship — either as the person who worries, or the one who's trying to reassure them — you'll definitely want to join me and my colleague Georgi Chizk, an Arkansas-based marriage counselor and family therapist who specializes in attachment therapy as we discuss this topic. We're going deep into the topic of insecurity in relationships, and how to overcome it. Listen and learn more about:

  • The root causes of insecurity
  • The surprising ways insecurity can impact a relationship
  • Practical strategies to help someone else feel more secure
  • Actionable advice to help yourself feel less insecure
  • How trust and security are healed and strengthened
  • Concrete tools couples can use to banish insecurity from their relationship

We hope that this discussion helps you both overcome insecurity, and create the strong, happy relationship you deserve.

With love and respect, 

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby & Georgi Chizk, M.S., LAMFT

P.S. Pro Tip: Once you listen to this podcast, consider sharing it with your partner. Doing so can be an easy, low-key way to start an important, and necessary conversation about how to increase the emotional safety and security you both feel in your relationship. xo, LMB

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How to Feel More Secure in Your Relationship

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

Music Credits: Juniore, “Panique”

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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She's the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

Let's  Talk

Real Help For Your Relationship

Lots of couples go through challenging times, but the ones who turn "rough-patches" into "growth moments" can come out the other side stronger and happier than ever before.

 

Working with an expert couples counselor can help you create understanding, empathy and open communication that felt impossible before.

 

Start your journey of growth together by scheduling a free consultation.

More Love, Happiness & Success Advice From the Blog

Types of Intimacy

Types of Intimacy

Types of Intimacy

What are the 4 Types of Intimacy?

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Previously, I thought that intimacy was just a polite way to refer to sex, but in reality, that type of physical connection is really just one type of intimacy. Intimacy is the concept of fully knowing another person and loving them as they truly are. A level of transparency that requires you to be your most vulnerable self and connect with your partner both in and out of the bedroom. Intimacy describes the closeness and vulnerability we offer one another in relationships. Intimacy is much more than a physical connection, it includes physical, spiritual, intellectual, and emotional aspects. Let’s talk about the different types of intimacy in more detail. 

Intellectual Intimacy

Intellectual intimacy is sharing thoughts, interests, and activities in common. It is human nature to desire spending time with people whom we can share ideas and projects, those who see the world as we do and share the same passions. Dating couples eagerly discover the interests they share in common and often try to learn to like new things. Doing interesting things together over time remains a key part of successful relationships. As we share life and discuss ideas with one another, we grow our intellectual intimacy. Having an intellectual connection can be fostered by simply having meaningful conversations daily. 

Below Are Seven Questions That Will Begin to Help You and Your Partner Develop a Deeper Level of Intellectual Intimacy:

  1. What challenges have you had in your life that you are grateful for?
  2. What is one thing about me that you discovered, that you love about me? One thing you dislike?
  3. What is a major investment or goal you would like to accomplish this year? 
  4. What is better than amazing, mind-blowing, passionate, and satisfying sex?
  5. What makes your partner attractive to you – physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually?
  6. What brings you the most joy in our relationship?
  7. What would you do if I changed my religious beliefs? 

[Looking for more conversation starters? Check out How To Fall Back In Love With Your Spouse]

Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy is the intimacy that comes from being heard. When someone listens to the pain in our hearts, we develop a connectedness. Emotional intimacy grows when we feel that someone has taken the time to understand us. Which can easily become neglected amidst our busy lives. Our closest relationships are built on a foundation of having our emotions validated. 

5 Ways To Enhance Emotional Intimacy:

  1. Share your successes and struggles
  2. Write your partner a love letter
  3. Start weekly gratitude journaling together
  4. Create and complete a “bucket list” together
  5. Get comfortable being uncomfortable (vulnerability)

Spiritual Intimacy

Spiritual intimacy is the intimacy that comes from sharing spiritual practices like prayer, meditation, and worship. Our hearts become strongly knit together when we join together in shared spiritual beliefs. Spiritual intimacy has been shown to be a powerful indicator of successful marriages. A deeper bond is formed that shows that we are working together on the same team following spiritual leadership.

5 Ways To Enhance Spiritual Intimacy:

  1. Pray or meditate together
  2. Share the character lessons you are each learning from your sacred text
  3. Talk about the history of your beliefs, or any specific religion
  4. Get involved/volunteer together 
  5. Read devotionals together 
  1.  

Physical Intimacy

Physical intimacy is all forms of touching, from a handshake, hug, a kiss, or even sexual intercourse. Physical intimacy grows in a relationship as couples grow in their love for one another. Physical intimacy thrives within the boundaries of a committed relationship; too much touch beyond the scope of the relationship brings heartache. Relationships need boundaries around physical intimacy so that godly limits are observed. Physical intimacy is normally essential to a healthy marriage–too little touch and the relationship suffers. 

[Looking to “heat things up” check out: How to Keep Stress From Tanking Your Sex Life]

5 Ways To Enhance Physical Intimacy

  1. Enjoy a nice make-out session
  2. Lots of foreplay 
  3. Explore the body through massage
  4. Have sex in another room
  5. Conscious Sensuality 
  1.  

These four types of intimacy aspects are all connected; they move and grow together. As you strengthen one area it naturally builds on the others. However, neglecting an area can also have damaging effects. Intimacy allows you to preserve the emotional or sexual connection and excitement (the butterflies) you had when you first met. As you know, maintaining a strong and intimate connection is critical to the success of your relationship. We have a responsibility to invest in opening and closing doors of intimacy in the right places with the right people. You can build your relationships by getting intentional about developing all layers of intimacy together!

So, if you desire to strengthen the intimacy with your partner, I highly encourage you to immediately put what you have learned to good use, starting today. Some say, “easier said than done” and I agree. However, many couples can benefit from the support of a great marriage counselor or relationship coach to assist with strengthening the intimacy in the relationship for a deeper connection. If this feels true for you, please know that help is here!

Wishing you all the best, 
Tomauro Veasley, M.A., MFTC, CLC

tennessee online marriage counseling tennessee online therapy

Tomauro Veasley, M.A., MMFT, CLC,  is an experienced marriage counselor, family therapist and relationship coach, as well as a certified life coach and individual therapist. She specializes in helping you create understanding, purpose and strength in yourself and your relationships in order to promote healing and growth in the most important parts of your life.

Let's  Talk

Real Help For Your Relationship

Lots of couples go through challenging times, but the ones who turn "rough-patches" into "growth moments" can come out the other side stronger and happier than ever before.

 

Working with an expert couples counselor can help you create understanding, empathy and open communication that felt impossible before.

 

Start your journey of growth together by scheduling a free consultation.

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Preparing for Fatherhood

Without a doubt, motherhood is one of the most challenging feats in life. However, preparing for fatherhood isn't a walk in the park, either. There are a lot of mental, emotional, and relationship changes that new dads will experience. The transition to parenthood can be daunting for many, but don't worry; you can take the proper measures when preparing for fatherhood.

In this episode: Preparing for Fatherhood, Growing Self marriage and family therapists Jessica Small and Seth Bender talk about how postpartum experiences affect both parents and how to prepare yourself for them. You will also learn how to conquer common relationship challenges after having a baby. 

If you want to know more about supporting your wife, maintaining healthy relationships, and preparing for fatherhood, then tune into this episode! 

In This Episode: Preparing for Fatherhood

  • Find out what mothers experience postpartum aside from “baby blues.”
  • Discover how fathers can also have their own postpartum experience.
  • Become aware of why mothers tend to be angry toward their partners.
  • Understand why sexuality can decrease after birth.
  • Know how to connect with your partner in small and manageable ways.
  • Recognize the importance of validating negative emotions and experiences.
  • Learn how to maintain a healthy and enjoyable marriage after having a baby.

Episode Highlights

The Postpartum Experience when Preparing for Fatherhood

The months leading up to birth are challenging, but the journey doesn't end after the baby is born.

The postpartum experience is something that couples and families face together. Couples usually worry when they don't experience the romanticized story of having a baby, but every woman’s postpartum recovery timeline is different. That's why it's essential to shed light on the truth about the postpartum experience.

Jessica explains that the “baby blues” often happen during the first two weeks after giving birth. This phenomenon is when mothers have frequent emotional shifts. Upon giving birth, they also may experience:

  • loss and grief around their old life,
  • lack of sleep, and
  • being overwhelmed with the identity of being a mom.

Although they don't experience the same biological changes, the postpartum experience also affects the male or nonpregnant partner. Seth says, “[having a baby] is an incredibly difficult life transition that happens before you know it.” The postpartum experience affects nonpregnant partners in the following ways: 

  • They feel loss and grief over their old life. The change of lifestyle is difficult for men, especially for first-time fathers. Having a baby affects a father’s work schedule, self-care, and support that they used to get from their partners.
  • They feel isolated and not looked after. Usually, it's mom's job to take care of the baby, and it's dad's job to care for mom. However, Jessica asks, “Who's taking care of dad?” In a society that conditions men to become independent, people think men should power through all the challenges. The journey is also tricky for them, and they need support. 

Why Does My Wife Hate Me After Baby?

“It is hard for dad. But let's be honest, it is harder for Mom,” says Jessica. Moms get exhausted and frustrated with all the baby work, leading them to feel tenser and emotionally fried. 

Most of the time, moms are not mad at their partners. She might project the exhaustion and frustration she experiences from motherhood onto a safe person like her partner. 

Sometimes, however, moms can also be mad because their partner isn't stepping up the way they need them to step up. There needs to be involvement from the partner to anticipate the mother's needs and take on some emotional energy. 

Decreased Sexuality in Marriage

Dr. Lisa and Jessica brought up John Gottman‘s ideas on marital crises. One of these crises is a decreased sexuality among new moms. Sexuality may not be compatible with mothers as they're adjusting to their new role. Here are some possible explanations as to why this happens: 

  • Issues such as sleep deprivation and hormonal shifts make it harder to have a desire for sexual intimacy.
  • Mothers may also experience insecurity about the postpartum body. 
  • As biological evolution has prevented mothers from getting pregnant immediately after having a baby, sexual desire naturally decreases. 
  • If the mother had a difficult pregnancy, it takes much more time to recover fully and be sexually active. 

These problems also affect the fathers because they don't get what they expect. Seth says, “I think the misconception is that for some men, it's like, ‘okay, after two or three weeks, things will be back to normal.' And that's not really how it works.”

In Seth's experience working with couples, fathers work hard to understand the mothers' struggles as much as they can. 

How to Build a Healthy and Enjoyable New Normal when Preparing for Fatherhood

The usual advice for married couples with kids is to “go on date nights.” But Jessica offers a more robust perspective: start with small and manageable ways to connect. Examples of how you can do this to keep your relationship strong after having a baby are the following:

  • Physical connecting such as hugging
  • Conversing around topics that are not about the baby
  • Watching a TV show together while nursing

Seth says that those smaller bits of connection are often not present before the child. That's why he works with couples on building those even before the baby is born. His advice for couples is to do premarital counseling before having a baby to ensure that they're in an excellent place to take that step in their relationship. 

Being okay with not being okay and prioritizing emotional safety is also key to a good relationship. Jessica emphasizes the importance of holding safe spaces for each other to talk about the whole experience of parenthood transparently. 

Jessica recounts a typical conversation between couples: “One person says, like, ‘I miss getting to go do this.' The other person tries to fix it and ends up invalidating their partner.” It's normal to have moments of sadness, grief, and loss. None of it means that you don't want your baby. 

Marriage Problems After Having a Baby

A listener asks how she can restore the once fabulous marriage she had with her partner before having their baby. Here are Jessica's answers to her question:

  1. Identify the things that used to work for your marriage and start to apply that to your current situation. If you and your partner used to cook dinner together every night and suddenly stopped, you could agree to cook dinner again two or three times a week. Or, if you used to walk in the park and suddenly stopped, you can try walking again with your baby in a stroller. 
  2. Attend to attachment wounds and move forward. Partners can hurt each other unintentionally, and that can build much resentment and distance. It's essential to improve communication and have a safe and empathetic space to talk about how the partners have hurt each other openly.
  3. Build a vision for what you want your family life to look like. Imagine your family life as something that you truly desire and create a path towards achieving that.

Resources

Jessica and Seth shared many insights about what it takes to be the best partner and father. Which of their ideas resonated with you? Feel free to share your thoughts by leaving a comment down below.

Did you like this interview? Subscribe to us now to discover how to live a life full of love, success, and happiness!

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Preparing for Fatherhood

The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Music Credits: John Lowell Anderson, “A Father's Wisdom”

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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: This is Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, and you're listening to the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.

That was “A Father's Wisdom” by the artist John Lowell Anderson, which I thought was a perfect transition for our topic today because today we are going to talk about preparing for parenthood — what to expect after the postpartum period, which can be kind of surprising for people and what we can do to prepare for that mentally and emotionally. We are going to be talking about the female experience of this. But more importantly, in some ways, if you're in a heterosexual relationship, we also need to talk about preparing for fatherhood and some of the mental and emotional changes that new Dads can expect as they make this transition. Because I think that doesn't get talked about enough, and that has a huge impact on the quality of relationships, after baby. Many couples struggle in the first couple of years as they transition from being two to being three and eventually more. On today's podcast, we are talking about all of it for your benefit, and I hope we leave this time together today with you're having some good takeaways for not just what to expect but what you can think about and do in order to prepare for this transition personally and also as a couple and a family.

So with me today are two of my colleagues — I have invited Jessica Small to join us today. Jessica is a marriage and family therapist here at Growing Self. Jessica and I have been colleagues for many years. Jessica, you are so knowledgeable about this; you work with many couples through this transition. You're also a Mom with two young kids yourself, so you're living it. Just recently, you let our whole team through this magnificent team training on the postpartum experience, so you're kind of the woman. Thank you for being here.

Jessica Small: Thank you, Lisa. You're far too kind, thank you so much. I’m happy to be here.

Dr. Lisa: Oh good, I don't know Jessica, you're pretty great. Also joining us as another colleague of ours, Seth Bender. Seth is also a marriage and family therapist here on the team with us at Growing Self. Seth, you work with a lot of couples who are making this transition into parenthood. I know you also have a lot of individual clients who are grappling with some of the mental and emotional, and identity changes that come after becoming parents. You too, are in the thick of things — a married guy with a toddler. So, I'm sure you'll have a lot to share as well.

Seth Bender: Yeah, thank you for having me her Lisa and I am very happy to give what insight I do have. It's true I do have a lot of couples and individuals who are both in both areas who are dealing with this, I have in the past as well. This is definitely a topic that I have worked with couples, with individuals in some detail. I'm very happy to be here.

Dr. Lisa: Well, I can't wait to get your insight today, so thank you. To start, I was wondering if we could first talk a little bit about this whole idea of the postpartum experience. And what I’d really like to talk about is to get the inside scoop from you guys about some of the emotional changes, the ways of thinking that can shift after we bring Baby home that are sometimes surprising to people. I think many times in our culture there's sort of this like it's magic, it's the most amazing time of your life. Sometimes when men and women have a different experience, they can worry that something is wrong or that they're not doing it right. Jessica, I was wondering if you could just start our conversation by sharing with us, just from your perspective, what are some of the things that particularly women can face in the weeks and months after having a baby that sometimes surprise them?

Preparing for Fatherhood: Postpartum Depression

Jessica: Sure, I think that the initial weeks after having a baby are hard — I don't really know a better way to say that, but hard. The first two weeks, especially, are significant, and that a lot of women experience what's called the baby blues, where they are seeing a lot of hormonal shifts, crying, irritability, feeling like their emotions are out of control, just adjusting. If there are no issues around postpartum depression or distress, we do typically see that even out. But I think the biggest thing that I hear Moms talk about that is surprising, and not something that we've talked about enough, is that there can be grief and loss around their old life, that Moms, and actually couples will say, “We came home with Baby and we love our baby, but part of us was like — what did we just do?” Because it changes life quite significantly.

Dr. Lisa: Where's the receipt?

Jessica: Yeah, when can we take this back? It's hard, you're not really sleeping very much, you're trying to adjust to a new normal, you're trying to incorporate a new family member into your life. I think there is some genuine sadness around the previous life, that life where there was the ability to grab your purse and walk out the door and go to the store and not worry about, “I have to be home in 30 minutes to feed my baby,” or, “I'm leaving my partner home and they haven't slept all night, and I need to make sure I'm back for them.” I think there's a lot of that. I think there's also a lot of identity development in becoming a mom that moms can feel very overwhelmed by the identity of Mom and feel like, “What about the rest of me? Where else? Where did I go about just me? What about me as a partner? What about me as a daughter myself? What about me as a friend?” that I think the initial stage of being postpartum can feel a bit overwhelming in that role of just being a Mom.

Dr. Lisa: Yeah, there's so much. I mean, like the early days of this, emotional storm, and trying to figure out, “Okay, is this normal? Is this postpartum depression?” Really, like, feeling sad, can be a very expected part of this experience. Plus, that all-encompassing, all you do is Mom things now, and trying to reconcile and rebuild some of that. But this is just a huge amount of emotional work at a time of life when there's a lot of physical work, too, and things like breast feeding and not sleeping — like this is it's a lot. The other thing I want to talk about too, is  again, this is largely for the benefit of well, either opposite sex couples, or in a partnership where one person physically had a baby, how does this sort of crisis impact the partner who has not just had the baby? Because I think sometimes, some of this can really catch male partners or nonpregnant partners off guard as they are trying to figure out how to be supportive to the person who's experiencing, at least the physical aspects of it, the hormonal aspects of it. Do you have any insight into that, Seth, about what you've heard from your clients as being the most challenging things there?

Seth: I would say it's a mixture of a few things. First off, just to echo Jessica, it's a incredibly difficult way transition that happens before you know it. You're going from being single or being a couple and doing whatever you want, whenever you want to do it, to not having that anymore. That's a jarring shift for many men, especially in our culture, where men are conditioned often to be type A, and go, go, go, and take care of yourself, and things like that. And that really, really changes very quickly. I would say that the change of lifestyle is really, really difficult for men, especially for first-time fathers, where they're not used to that change. You can read all the books that you want, but many of my clients worry about how their wives are going to change when they have a child. But you don't know until you're in the thick of it. With all the prep, there's still such a jarring shift in lifestyle, and in every single way that you can imagine — in terms of your work schedule, in terms of your self-care, in terms of the support that you used to get from your partner that is now being focused on your child. It's very, very difficult. And I think the — how do you say it — I think the assumption is that men just power through that, and it's fine. And that's not the case.

Dr. Lisa: I was just thinking the same thing as you were sharing that I think we're, have a lot of awareness around postpartum depression or baby blues. Jessica, as you shared, which is something that we kind of would expect women to go through, or somebody who just had a baby, maybe not that depression part, but certainly like the hormonal experiences. But Seth, what I'm hearing you say is that there's potentially a lot of grieving and a lot of loss that new Dads experience, or partners experience that they may not have been fully prepared for. Like even a few sort of intellectually knows something's going to happen, it's not until you have that experience. There's an emotional component of that, I'm guessing, a lot of sadness, loss, are those the right words?

Transition to Parenthood

Seth: Yeah, absolutely. I mean, there's a loss of freedom. That's not necessarily a negative thing. But if there's a loss of the life that you once had, if before, if you wanted to go with your buddies, and have some fun, you could do that. Or if you wanted to go to the gym, you could do that. Or you could do whatever you needed to do when you needed to do it. For older fathers, like myself, I had my first child when I was 41, I've been taking care of myself for 20 years. Having that change, and it was a very difficult transition. It took some time for me to get used to it and to understand it, and to understand what was happening within me as well. I mean, we don't have quite the same hormonal changes that a woman has. But a lot of the emotional component to it, I would say is likely similar, regarding what was and what's not going to be anymore.

Dr. Lisa: Yeah. Well, that's so insightful. This is actually making me think of something, Jessica, that you shared in this team training that you hosted for our group the other day, which was just so wonderful. But in it, you made a point around Mom's job is to take care of the baby, and that so much energy. Then you said, and Dad's job, our partner's job is to take care of Mom so that she can take care of Baby. But then I was thinking, yeah, who's taking care of Dad? And what does that do, in some ways? How does that sort of balance out? Jessica, can you maybe first of all, just talk a little bit more about what you mean by that? Because the visual I got is sort of like, water flowing downhill, like the sort of nurturing energy flows from Dad to Mom and Mom to Baby and Baby into growing and developing. Is that kind of what you are meaning?

Jessica: Yeah, I love that analogy. I think that is what I was talking about. I think that Baby is typically pretty reliant on Mom for basic life, especially if Mom is breastfeeding, then Baby needs Mom to eat. There's just this requirement that Baby has a Mom, maybe a little bit of a different way than Baby has of Dad. Mom is really focused typically on Baby. We want Dad to really focus on Mom, and help Mom make sure she's hydrated and eating. And if well, I guess, regardless of what labor and delivery look like recovering because your body has gone through such a major trauma in childbirth. And I love this point of well, who's taking care of Dad? And as you were saying that I was like, “I guess no one sometimes,” that Dads are, I think often in a position of feeling really isolated and having to take care of Mom. And also, of course, Dads are engaged with Baby as well. Having to take care of everyone and feeling like they're on their own doing that, and I think it is hard. I don't know that we have enough supports in place for men to feel like they can turn towards friends or family members and say, “This is a lot.” And I think to such point, which was, to me, a pretty important point is that Mom often doesn't have the capacity to give support to Dad in those moments. The person they typically have gone to and have this intimate bond with, is really not available. I think we're also talking about Dads can feel pretty isolated, and also feel like the person I have gone to I don't have and they also sometimes have this experience of really missing their partner. Because partner’s very focused on Baby, which is a develop mentally appropriate, but still hard for Dad.

Dr. Lisa: Yeah, yeah, no, thank you so much for acknowledging that and just like the loss, to your point, like it's a loss of life and of identity. But also in some ways to lose at least to the partner that you have known, in the way that you have known them, and that maybe the partner is going through sadness or, Jessica, like you said really like focused on keeping this Baby alive. And also the really challenging aspects of this, like in your training the other day, you mentioned like even breast feeding — sounds simple but no, it can be so difficult and painful, and have all these emotional things attached to them. I mean there is a lot going on and then, you have this poor man over here and like, “Hi, yeah. You want to talk?” “No!” And that's just so hard, yeah. We talked the other day about feelings that men might have through this experience, like missing their wife, or feeling like they can even be a little bit jealous of all of the time and attention that their wife is giving the baby and some men feel like their wives are angry with them sort of inexplicably in the first few weeks and months after baby comes, or longer. Well let's just go into these one at a time. I mean, can you say a little bit more about why men may experience their wives as being angry with them, in a way that feels surprising to them?

Seth: I would say that that's a great question, and I think it's unique for every couple. But I would say, the early days of being a mom are very, very difficult. The breastfeeding, the constant changing of diapers, the burping, the sleep schedule. And I would say Mom gets very, very exhausted and frustrated, and that can lead to trigger behaviors such as anger or such as criticism or whatnot. Because especially for Mom, you’re so emotionally fried because you're trying to keep your baby alive, you see or you're very worried that you're not doing a good job. There's a lot of doubt that can come in and a lot of fear that can come in, especially in those early, early days of having a kid, where Mom is just trying to keep it together the best they can.

Dr. Lisa: Yeah, and not sleeping, like just as you were saying that, like the whole, the feeding of the baby around the clock and it's not just the first few months, I mean for many women that can be many months through it but that is a real struggle. There's all stuff going on that makes Mom more tense, shall we say, is that the right word?

Seth: Tensed, escalated, fried — whatever word you want to use, that's what Mom is going through. And I think that's what fathers need to be able to access going into this, is that, hey as rough as it is for father, and it's plenty rough, it's that much more difficult for Mom because like you said, Mom is the point person, Mom is the one doing the feeding, and Mom is the one who joins first, and if there's troubles with that, that can be really scary and really anxiety-producing, and in whatever words you might want to use. I think in those early days, Moms are just trying to do what they can to feel connected and to feel like they're doing what they're supposed to be doing.

Dr. Lisa: Yeah well and you put such a good point and Jessica, I'd love to get your take on this too, is that the emotional experience of a Mom, is you’re going to be like hanging on by the skin of their teeth, maybe shorter communication, like there's tension. But Seth, I think what I’m  hearing you say is that they might not actually be mad at their partners, they’re just sort of might be an expression of what they're going through. Would you agree with that Jessica? Or do you think that no, no, actually, sometimes she actually is mad at you.

Jessica: Yes, yeah that's what I was going to say, yes and no. I mean I think Seth hit on some great points, and I loved and appreciated his acknowledgement that it is hard for Dad. But let's be honest, it is harder for Mom. Mom is recovering from the trauma of childbirth. Mom is the one that's typically in charge of feeding, as Seth said, mom is trying to keep baby alive. And I was thinking, “And herself.” Sometimes those two things feel like a lot to really accomplish in a day. I do think that, yes Mom, I think the term emotionally fried is really a perfect way to capture what it feels like to be newly postpartum. I think that sometimes Mom may actually not be mad at her partner, she may just be projecting maybe some of the anger and frustration she's feeling around trying to take on this new role. Maybe it's the exhaustion, maybe it's struggling with breastfeeding and projecting a little bit onto the safe person who is her partner versus onto Baby.

And sometimes, Moms are mad at their partners. Moms really do feel angry that their partner is not stepping up in a way that they need them to step up, whether that's taking on additional household responsibilities, attending to her a little bit more, really making sure she has what she needs, that she doesn't feel totally in-charge of all nighttime feedings, of all diaper changes, of all washing, of all the pumping stuff and all the bottles and making sure formula’s in the house if a baby is formula fed, that sometimes Moms are really wanting and needing more from their partners, and struggling to maybe express that in a way that their partner can hear or maybe partner is struggling to actually hear the need.

Dr. Lisa: Yeah, you're speaking to that, Jessica, that the word that's coming up is the emotional energy that can lead relationships to feel out of balance sometimes. And what you're saying is that Mom can't be the one who does all the things and thinks about everything and asks for everything, that there needs to be this involvement and attention from her partner to kind of anticipate needs and take on some of that emotional energy. And when that feels out of balance, that is one big reason when anger can show up.

Jessica: Yes, that's exactly what I'm talking about, that emotional labor and really needing it to feel — I wouldn't even hesitate to say balanced because I think for a period of time, it will feel out of balance. And that Dad may take on more because Mom is doing more than her fair share, but it's around keeping Baby alive. Yeah.

Dr. Lisa: Yeah, that makes a ton of sense. And I think that this is a nice segue into talking more about the challenges of maintaining a healthy relationship, which I mean, you guys have all said, both people are going through so much all at the same time. Like who's taking care of who, and then there's this whole reshuffling of the entire family dynamic. Jessica, you mentioned the other day in your training that John Gottman calls this the marriage crisis. Now, what did you say, post-baby marital crisis? Is that the term?

Jessica: That sounds about right.

Dr. Lisa: So many things and one of the points that often comes up, I think, in my couples counseling sessions, is the impact of the change in sexuality. In not just the weeks, but oftentimes months or longer after a baby is born, that a couple had connected around specific things, like sexuality being one, going out and doing fun things together, just them could be another one that all of a sudden, they don't have. But going back to the sexuality point, and a lot of men, I think, seek to reconnect with our partners, sexually. But this becomes very fraught for many women in the postpartum period. And Jessica, I'm wondering if you can speak a little bit about why that is from the female perspective?

Jessica: Sure, I think there's a lot of reasons why that is true. I mean, I think some of it is that as Moms are adjusting into that role of Mom The role of Mom and sexuality are not always a great match. In order to feel sexual, often Moms need to be able to exit out of their Mom role and into their marital role. And when you are deep in the trenches with new Baby, it's very hard to make that transition. And then we also have these other basic issues of sleep deprivation, feeling agitated or irritable because of emotional hormone shifts, that these things make it harder to have desire for sexual intimacy with their partner. There's also something to the fact that your body changes pretty dramatically with pregnancy and being postpartum. And that I think there is often insecurity. And some, feeling of hesitation around being in your body postpartum and having your partner see your body postpartum, touch your body postpartum. Also, I think, I often hear Moms talk about this experience of feeling being touched out, that they're like, I've had a baby on me all day. And the last thing I want is your hands on me as well. Really wanting to feel in control of their own body and feeling they get a say over, being touched. And then I think also, it is a little bit uncomfortable for many women to be nursing and feeling like, actually, my boobs are off limits. These are mine.

Dr. Lisa: Do not touch my boobs, under any circumstances.

Jessica: These are not for you, anymore. I think, there’s a lot of components to it. And then also, depending on how some of that emotional labor is being handled. That if there's additional components of feeling resentment, of feeling like, hey, I need you to actually take care of me, in order to feel like I can have space for desire, and that's not happening. That could be impacting things as well.

Dr. Lisa: Absolutely, yes. And also, too, I think this is true for other people. Nature does not want you to get pregnant immediately after having a child for very, very good, biologically reasonable reasons. Hormonally, I know that many women can experience a real difference in desire for all of the reasons that you described, but also, hormonally, it's like, “Mm-hmm, no, we're just not going to do that for a while.” But Seth, I'm wondering if this is a topic that's come up, either with your individual male clients in therapy or in couples counseling, how do you think male partners perceive this? Do they get all of that that Jessica is describing? Or do they just feel like they're being rejected?

Seth: I would say the vast majority of my male partners, my couples, have been understanding about that situation, but not necessarily… They’re understanding of the situation, but not at the magnitude. And something else I want to add to what Jessica was saying was, if the mother has had a difficult pregnancy, like hours of labor, C-section, infections, things like that, it takes so much time for the body to heal from that. And, I can say, from my own experience, our doctor said, “Well, a C-section is the only time when someone experiences major surgery, and then is expected to go home and take care of someone else.” I think there's a lot of factors involved. 

But there are certain clients where that is a big problem, though, and I think it goes back to the piece of your old life, your wife before Baby. It was much easier to initiate sexual contact, it wasn't much easier to have that accepted, or vice versa. And it's not like that anymore, it takes time for that to come back. And if you've had a difficult delivery, then it takes even more time. And I think the misconception is that for some men, it’s like, ”Okay, after two or three weeks, things will be back to normal.” And that's not really how it works. I mean, if things are never exactly the way it was before, and there's always some sort of change, whether it's minute or whether it's very, very visible, it's not the same.

I think, what I generally work with my couples and with the male partners, and the situation is acceptance around the idea of like, it's going to be different. That doesn't assume it's going to be worse. But it's going to be different, because it has to be different. Because everything has changed. It also goes back to a fear of change that's just in general that many men do have. I think that there's a lot of components to the question, but I think overall, and perhaps I've been lucky, but that the majority of my male partners have at least worked hard to be as understanding as they can.

Dr. Lisa: Yeah, that's great. And I think, what you're beginning to sort of talk about, and we should talk more about this, but how do you rebuild a new normal that incorporates the realities of this life, but are also good and enjoyable for everyone? And Jessica, you brought up something the other day and I was like, “Oh so glad you said that.” We were talking about how couples bond and build relationships many times around time together and shared activities, doing fun things and for many couples, after the birth of first child is like hard stop on that. And Baby is one thing but we all know it doesn't get better when you have a toddler, it's like you're trying to have a conversation with your partner. One of, I think, that the common pieces of advice particularly from — and I’m using my air quotes here — are “couple’s counselors,” who oftentimes that, I hate to say this, but really do not have a strong background in marriage and family therapy, is advising couples to, “Oh. Just go on a date night. You guys need more time together.” And Jessica, you had just such a wonderful perspective on this and why it really needs to be a little bit more robust. Would you mind sharing your perspective?

How to Keep Relationship Strong After Having a Baby

Jessica: Sure. I really struggle with that advice of “Go on a date.”

Dr. Lisa: So bad.

Jessica: I think I had it in capital letters in five presentations like…

Dr. Lisa: Bold capital letters.

Jessica: “Do not tell couples to do this.” Because we're just setting them up to feel unsuccessful, that you have such limited resources typically in those early years truly, of being a new parent. Date nights, while lovely, are not what's required in order to create reconnection. I think starting with really small manageable ways to connect. Sometimes it's truly having a moment to give each other a hug, that's where this starts. It's not about spending $100 on a babysitter and going out to dinner and feeling like you're going to fall asleep through the whole meal. It is about just having a hug, having five minutes where you look at each other and have a conversation that's not about your baby. That sometimes it might be something along the lines of saying to your partner, “Just sit with me and watch the show with me while I nurse.” Or that your partner supports you by washing all the pump parts and bring them to you. And then you can have a quick conversation as you're feeding a baby a bottle. That these are just these little tiny Moments for connection between couples and finding five minutes, 30 seconds, not looking for hours.

Dr. Lisa: Yeah, that is such great advice.

Seth: And what's interesting about that point, Jessica, is that that's often what's missing in the relationship before the baby comes.

Dr. Lisa: Oooh, Seth, say what?

Seth: Well, with the whole lovely “Which is peace is really no physical touch, acts of service, time together, words of affirmation, giving gifts — small gifts, and things like that. That's often what's missing before the baby even comes, and when the baby is there, it takes up so much attention, it becomes much more glaring when that's missing. Those bits for connection that we assume couples have before the child is even born, often aren't there. With our work with couples it's often about building that before the baby is born, just so it doesn't come down to hiring a babysitter and spending $100, and with the chance of not having a good time at that dinner because we're worried about Baby, right? The smaller bits for connection are really crucial, and I totally agree with Jessica, with that point. But that's often what's missing in the relationship anyway.

Dr. Lisa: Wonderful, and going back to that idea about many times when people unfortunately come into couples counseling it is that crisis — they've had a baby and they're six months into it and there wasn't that before, Seth, and there is definitely not that now, and it feels like a major issue. But I’m hearing you say, wouldn't it be wonderful if people almost did premarital counseling except before Baby to make sure that they're in a good place before welcoming a child, and those are wonderful pieces of advice. And I’ll add too as I’m sort of scrolling back through some of the couples that I’ve worked with on this issue. I think it can also be really helpful to help couples and just in that rebuilding of connection after Baby, to really prioritize emotional safety, in the sense of having it be okay to not be okay. Like, is it okay to say, “I really miss our old life,” and not have somebody freak out and be mad at you for saying that, or be like, “What do you mean, are you sad that we had our baby?” Like, how do we sort of hold the space for each other to talk about the full experience that we're having even that. And Jessica, going back to what you're saying, a 10- or 15-minute conversation, but when you're talking about those real feelings can be enormously reconnective. And to your point, Seth, really deepen the relationship, maybe even deeper than it was before, because you're talking about the shared experience and really, real things. Yeah.

Jessica: Yeah, I couldn't agree more, Lisa. I just want to touch on that for a second. Because I think this is one of the things that couples struggle with is that one person says, “I miss getting to go do this.” And the other person tries to fix it and ends up invalidating their partner, and it’s a missed opportunity for connection. Because there's going to be moments of sadness and grief and loss, and all that is normal. And none of it means you don't like your baby or want to have your baby still. Finding those opportunities to align and connect are huge.

My Husband Ignores Me After Having Baby

Dr. Lisa: Well said, yeah. I know that we don't have a ton of time left together. But I wanted to run something past you. We had a listener question come through, I believe this one came through on Instagram. I'm going to throw this one at you. And I want you to think about and of course, again, solving this is beyond the scope of a podcast. This is what we might do over several weeks, if not months of actual couples counseling. But here's the question, “My husband and I had a fabulous relationship and marriage until the birth of our son about two years ago.” The writer says that she experienced baby blues, perhaps kind of venturing into postpartum depression territory. And she says, “We've really struggled as a couple to manage this transition to becoming parents.” She says,  “It stops feeling like we're good partners for each other, we're having trouble working as a team. And I feel like we can't keep going like this, I want to improve our communication. I want to feel like we're in love again, and work together, and be this happy little family that we always dreamed about. But it feels so hard just to reconnect and get back on track.”

This is a very common feeling for a lot of couples in the situation on both sides. If you were starting to see them as a marriage counselor, or relationship coach, what do you imagine the arc of the work forward would involve?

Jessica: I can speak to that a little bit. I'm trying to process. The first thing that really stands out to me is that, when a couple comes into me and says,  “We had this fabulous marriage, and we've struggled in the transition.” the piece that I would focus on is, where are all those strengths? Because if you had a fabulous marriage, it means it's all in there somewhere — that the things that you probably were doing when you felt like you had this fabulous marriage are maybe not happening anymore. Looking at, and this is something this particular person could do potentially without a therapist, at least to begin the work, is to think about what was working for us then? And how do we start to transition that now. Maybe they recognize, “Oh, we cooked dinner together every night. Well, let's see if we can figure out a way to cook more together. Or maybe one day a week, we find a way to do that with one another.” Or, “We were taking walks regularly. Well, babies go in a stroller. Let's put that baby in a stroller and take a walk.” Really trying to find those strengths and seeing if you can bring them back into the relationship. I would also imagine that there's been — some maybe what we would term — like attachment wounds and the relationship over the past two years, which are these Moments where you felt hurt, invalidated, felt like your partner struggled to be there for you, to see if you can attend to those wounds and actively heal them in order to move forward. And I think also start to build a vision for what you want this life as a family, if I'm imagining three of them, now together to look like, and creating a path and steps forward to creating that — this family that you really desire.

Dr. Lisa: Yeah, yeah. So you're saying reconnecting with a strength and what are the easiest things that you can do just to begin to draw some of that back in. But Jessica, you said something so insightful, which is, where's the hurt? We're going to have to talk about how we hurt each other over the last couple of years, maybe without meaning to. But that is so important, because that can really rid  a lot of not just distance but resentment. And then, once that's done, then we can talk about what we want this to look like going forward. Seth, I see you nodding your head. Is that what you would do with those couples, or something different?

Preparing for Fatherhood: Improve Communication

Seth: I think the strength space focus is definitely creates a really good baseline of, okay, this was what was going well, but jumping off the attachment wound piece, I would assume that this couple that discussions and conversations about the problems that they're having are not going well. A lot of the work that I would do would be to help the couple map out these interactions together. And basically, okay, so during your disagreements, this is happening, this is happening, and it's surface level, and you're bouncing off of each other, and there's no validation here. What can we do to change that? Basically, think going back to how we hurt each other. Those are tough conversations to have, that's a really scary conversation to have. Creating a safe place and a safe framework to be able to express the pain and own the pain and to have it validated by your partner, without resorting to defensiveness or criticism or anything like that, which is not an easy task.

But I think, a lot of the work I would do with this type of couple would be to slow down the interactions, slow it down, process, and find out what's actually fueling these disagreements — what's actually happening here? And a lot of that may have to do with the hurt, there may be some fear involved with that. There may be some past trauma regarding family involved with that. So that there's a lot of things that you can build empathy on, rather than build resentment about as long as the couple can work on having those conversations in a safe and healing way.

Dr. Lisa: Yeah. Well, you bring up so many good points. And I think that sometimes couples can have these conversations on their own. People don't always need marriage counseling. But I think Seth, you bring up such a good point, is that if it always sort of disintegrates and turns into something either unproductive or not resolved.You create that safe space, where people can talk about the really hard things, and have it be productive. Going into those hurt places for the purpose of healing them. But Seth, you also talked about something which I think is phenomenally important, which is figuring out where, in that communication, are things going astray? Like okay, so you said this, and then this happened. Unpacking it like, what were you telling yourself in the Moment when your husband placed the glass on the counter? What meaning did you make of that? And really kind of unfolding it so that people can see what is actually happening in those communication patterns, and then be able to make intentional choices. Because you’re right, Seth.  I think, sometimes when couples, particularly when there’s  just sort of resentment and limited time together, things happen so fast, and people just have these knee jerk reactions to each other. And all of a sudden, you're yelling at each other, or somebody's slamming the bathroom door, nobody quite knows how it happened. But Seth, I'm hearing that that would be a really powerful area to work in is what is this attached to? And how can we understand this and do it a little bit differently in sort of practicing it in our conversations and couples counseling? But okay, go try it at home. Yeah, is that?

Seth: Absolutely. The meaning and the symbolism of things or things that happen or things that don't go very well between a couple, no matter what the topic is, the meaning and the symbolism is usually more emotionally important than the actual topic. It's really not about taking out the trash, it's about what it means when you don't take out the trash. And there's so much that could be involved with that, and with the work that I would do, it's to help get that out and to help get heard and to help get empathy into the equation rather than my partner's always getting angry at me for no reason.

Dr. Lisa: No reason. Good advice. And this is what we do with a lot of couples, but how vitally important to be having these kinds of conversations in, ideally, that's to your point the days leading up to having a new baby. But certainly, afterwards because there's so much to talk about.

Yeah, thank you both so much for spending this time with me today and talking about this incredibly important topic. I know that we were looking at some of the darker aspects of this and there's a lot of joy and wonderful things about having a baby too. But thank you for illuminating your perspective on some of the realities of it that can catch individuals and couples off guard. I think that you probably really helped a couple of young families that may have listened to this podcast today. And I hope it sparks some discussion around the kitchen table.

Jessica: Thank you, Lisa.

Seth: Thank you, Lisa.


Real Help For Your Relationship

Lots of couples go through challenging times, but the ones who turn “rough-patches” into “growth moments” can come out the other side stronger and happier than ever before.

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What to Do When You Are Married and Have a Crush on Someone Else

What to Do When You Are Married and Have a Crush on Someone Else

What to Do When You Are Married and Have a Crush on Someone Else

Married With a Crush?

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Married With a Crush? What To Do (and Not Do)

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

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What To Do When You're Married With a Crush On Someone Else…

So, you are married but you have a crush on someone else. Hey, it happens. Married people, even happily married people, are also human and as such, are vulnerable to developing crushes on attractive others. A crush, aka, “Romantic Infatuation” can happen with anyone who you spend time with and who has attractive or, interestingly, anxiety-producing qualities. 

What does is mean if you are married and have a crush on someone else?

Having a crush on someone else when you're married doesn't mean that you're a bad person. It also is not a reflection of your marriage. Believe it or not, having a crush may not mean anything at all. In fact, people in happy, healthy, committed relationships can still develop fluttery feelings for attractive others. Crush-y feelings don't need to mean anything about your marriage or your spouse, or about the person you have a crush on.

Feelings just happen sometimes.

We have crushes because we're living, feeling human beings who are designed to fall in love. Particularly in long-term relationships where the zing of early-stage romantic love has faded into a steady, warm attachment, the part of us that longs for exciting, romantic love may be tickled awake by the presence of an interesting new other.

However, smart, self-aware people in good, committed relationships need to not follow those feelings but rather handle them maturely and with wisdom. 

The Smart Way to Handle Having a Crush When You're Married

While developing a crush is not unusual, it is extremely important to be very self-aware about what is happening and redirect your energy back into your primary relationship as quickly as possible. (If you want to stay married, anyway.)

Developing an infatuation can actually be a positive thing for a relationship, particularly if you are self-aware enough to realize that your feelings for someone else might be informing you about what you'd like to be different about your primary relationship. 

Then you can build on the existing strengths of your relationship to add “crush ingredients” back in, like spending time together, novelty, emotional intimacy, flirtation and fun. Your relationship will be the stronger for it.

When Crushes Cross the Line

Crushes, when not handled well, can also be an on-ramp to an affair. Consider that very few people intend to start an affair. Most affairs begin with people having fluttery, crush-y feelings for someone who is not their spouse… convincing themselves of all the reasons why it's okay… (We're just friends! But my husband never talks to me like this!) … and then leaning into the feelings of excitement and attraction rather than intentionally extinguishing them. Those feelings, those rationalizations, are the siren song that lures your marriage onto the rocks of ruin.

Developing a crush or romantic feelings for another can be extremely dangerous for the stability of your family and your relationship. While it's not unusual to develop a mild crush when you're married, if unchecked, your innocent-seeing crush could bloom into an emotional or even sexual affair. 

While everyone can have a crush bloom, it's very important to know how to handle yourself and your relationship when crushes happen in order to protect yourself, your relationship, and your integrity.

Protect Your Marriage From an Affair

Here at Growing Self, we are strong believers in the old saying, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” That is never more so than with relationships. It's much easier to educate yourself and learn how to handle common situations successfully, and in such a way that they strengthen your relationship rather than harm it.

Knowing how to handle yourself if you start to develop a crush on someone when you're married to another is one of the most important ways of protecting your relationship from an affair. Even though couples can and do recover from infidelity, infidelity is terribly traumatic and difficult to repair. Affairs destroy marriages and destroy lives, and at the end of the day tend to result in disappointing relationships with the affair partner.

Take it from a marriage counselor (and, ahem, author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love”) who's seen the destruction that affairs create: Don't do it. The key? Catching those normal, crush-y feelings early and learning how to use them to re-energize your marriage, while simultaneously learning how to extinguish the crush.

Listen To This Episode to Learn What To Do (And Not Do) When You Are Married And Have a Crush

Today on the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I'm talking all about how to handle yourself and your relationship when you have a crush on someone else. We'll be discussing:

  • The mechanics of a crush; how and why crushes develop
  • The difference between a crush and a platonic friendship
  • Why happy, committed married people can have crushes on others
  • How crushes can turn into something more serious
  • How to use self-awareness, integrity, and honesty to protect your marriage
  • How to use your crush experience in order to add energy and intimacy into your relationship
  • Warning signs that your crush is developing into something else
  • Why extramarital affairs are always a bad idea, and rarely end well
  • How to stop having a crush on someone else
  • How to avoid embarrassment and professional ruin if you have a crush on a coworker
  • How to protect your relationship and stay true to your values even when you're having feelings for another.

All this and more on today's episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.

xoxo,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

P.S. If it's not you you're worried about, but rather that your partner may have a crush on someone else, here are some other resources for you: Signs of an Emotional Affair, and How to Get Your Needs Met in a Relationship. Play them in the car and see what your partner thinks… LMB

P.P.S. Another very low-key way to begin a productive conversation about how you're both feeling in your relationship is to take our free online “How Healthy is Your Relationship Quiz” together and discuss the results. Having these types of emotionally intimate conversations with your partner can jump start the process of growing back together again, if you're open to it!

 

Real Help For Your Relationship

Lots of couples go through challenging times, but the ones who turn "rough-patches" into "growth moments" can come out the other side stronger and happier than ever before.

 

Working with an expert couples counselor can help you create understanding, empathy and open communication that felt impossible before.

 

Start your journey of growth together by scheduling a free consultation.

Love is Respect

Love is Respect

HOW TO SHOW YOUR PARTNER RESPECT

Love is Respect: The happiest and most stable relationships are those in which respect is present. As a marriage counselor, I have found this to be true time and time again. 

Respect is a word that most of us hear from the time we’re very young. We are taught to respect our elders, to respect people in positions of authority, to respect people that have taught us valuable lessons, to respect our mentors. Why isn’t our partner on this list? When we respect our partner we tell them and show them that they matter to us, that we see them, that we hear them, that we value them not only as our partner but as a human being.

Love is Respect: What Does It Mean to Respect Someone?

The word respect can feel very non-romantic, especially when it’s paired with authoritative relationship dynamics. Not only that, but it can mean something a little different to each person and depending on the situation that it’s present in. 

Respect is built over time; It develops and diminishes based on the interactions or experiences that you have with another person. What makes respect special is that if lost, it can be rebuilt and repaired. It’s ever-changing and growing with the relationship. 

I think if I were to ask you if respect matters in your relationship, most would say that it does. Over my years of working with couples, I have come to notice 2 trends that may arise in regards to respect and love:

  1. Couples will express to me how much they love their partner, but how they lack respect. 
  2. Other couples will talk about the immense respect they feel for their partner, but also share that they have lost the love they once felt. 

There seems to be a disconnect in these relationships between love and respect. If couples are able to bridge the gap between respect and love, respect can be a powerful tool to enhance love within a relationship. So how can we use respect to enhance love? How can we work to increase the respect we show to our partner?

How to Increase Respect in Your Relationship

It is not easy to identify a universal formula for respect that applies to all couples. Sometimes, the longing for respect can feel one-sided, or perhaps each partner may have a different and individualized answer of how respect in the relationship should look. 

While we are all entitled to our definition of respect, there are seven things that every couple can practice to build and encourage respect in their relationship. I’d like to share these seven things we can all do to start increasing the level of respect we show to our partner:

1. Ask for Your Partner’s Opinion

When you ask for your partner’s opinion on any given issue or event that you are dealing with, you are essentially showing your partner that you value their advice. By asking your partner for their opinion and opening up dialogue on something that you’re internally wrestling with, you are actively and intentionally asking for your partner’s help. 

This is not to say that you couldn’t figure it out on your own, but that you truly value what they have to say and what they offer the relationship – especially in times of need. 

2. Accept Your Partner’s Influence in Your Relationship

Accepting influence is about sharing power in the relationship. This can be for decisions and beliefs that impact your relationship as well as individual decisions and beliefs. When we accept influence we take our partner’s opinions and feelings into account. Accepting influence doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything your partner says or feels. By accepting influence we show that we believe our partner adds value to our life.

3. Seek to Understand Your Partner

As a marriage counselor, couples who struggle to show respect will enter our beginning sessions expressing that their partner “doesn’t understand me” or “doesn’t understand why/how this affects me” or even “doesn’t understand what I put up with.” It can be easy, especially in long-term relationships, to think that we know everything that’s going on with our partner but to never actually ASK the other person “how are feeling about this” or “what does this mean to you?” or “can you help me understand?”

As we seek to understand our partner better, there are 2 main things we can do. First, we can ask questions to better understand what it is that our partner is feeling or experiencing. 

Secondly, we can rephrase what we are understanding (“what I hear you saying is…”) rather than using the phrase, “I understand.” 

I often see couples skip the step of understanding their partner and jump to finding a solution or critiquing. I like to encourage my couples clients to take the time to slow a conversation down and work to understand what their partner thinks, feels, believes, values, etc.. In doing this, we show our partner that they’re important to us – We show them that they’re worth our time, and isn’t that the most powerful form of respect and love?

[Here's more on: Communication that Connects]

4. Express Gratitude Towards Your Partner

A powerful tool that is on the tip of your tongue is gratitude. By expressing gratitude you are acknowledging that the efforts your partner puts into the relationship has a positive impact on you and that you notice them. Expressing gratitude shows that you value their efforts. 

Instead of “Happy to see you finally took the trash out” try, “I appreciate you taking the trash out.” It doesn’t have to be a grand expression, it can be as simple as, “I appreciate you…” When your partner feels appreciated, they feel seen. Is gratitude the fix all for marital strife? Absolutely not, but it does make a lasting impression and provides encouragement through the growth process. 

5. Show Your Partner Love that is Meaningful to Them

Be intentional about how you show your partner love. When your efforts match what your partner perceives as love it will be more meaningful to them. This often requires practice because how your partner accepts love may not be what comes most naturally to you. We naturally like to give love the same way that we like to receive love, but we all receive love differently. If you are unsure of how your partner feels most loved, ask them. 

Intentionally loving your partner shows them that they matter to you, that you’re willing to think about and act in ways that are most meaningful to them. It shows that you’re willing to put in extra effort that they find meaningful.

6. Use Care and Consideration When Providing Feedback

Every relationship requires feedback from time to time. A romantic partnership though requires a level of care and consideration when providing feedback. I like to remind couples that this is the most precious relationship that they have, and it should encourage vulnerability and openness. However, when feedback is expressed in a negative, angry, or disrespectful way – that vulnerable and open relationship reacts by throwing up walls and reflecting that negative, angry, and disrespectful behavior back. This cycle can be damaging to the relationship beyond repair if not kept in check.

By expressing feedback in a caring and considerate way you’re showing that you are aware of the impact you have on your partner and your relationship and that this impact matters to you. 

When you are kind and considerate in the way you provide feedback to your partner, you are showing that you believe you are equals. When we don’t use care and consideration we create an unhealthy power dynamic in which we send the message that we believe we’re superior to our partner. Whether or not you actually believe you are, that precedent can then greatly impact your connection down the road. 

7. Tell Your Partner That You Love Them and Why

Not only is it important to tell your partner how you feel about them and your relationship, but also it’s helpful to tell them why. I often hear couples say, “Well, it goes without saying.” More often than not, a partner’s response to that statement is something along the lines of, “I had no idea!” If you ever feel that something positive about your partner goes without saying, say it anyway – they would love to hear it (as I’m sure you would too!). 

As we do these seven things we will begin to not only show more respect but also have the ability to deepen the level of love we actually feel towards our partner. Respect is something we can always work towards deepening to enhance our relationship. As we show more respect we will have happier and more stable relationships.

Warmly, 

Hunter Tolman

Real Help For Your Relationship

Lots of couples go through challenging times, but the ones who turn “rough-patches” into “growth moments” can come out the other side stronger and happier than ever before.

Working with an expert couples counselor can help you create understanding, empathy and open communication that felt impossible before.

Start your journey of growth together by scheduling a free consultation.

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