How To Develop a Healthy Money Mindset

How To Develop a Healthy Money Mindset

How To Develop a Healthy Money Mindset

What's YOUR Money Mindset?

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HOW TO DEVELOP A HEALTHY MONEY MINDSET | One of the biggest goals for many people at this time of year (who are we kidding — at all times of year) is to feel more in control and empowered with regards to their finances. They want to save more, spend less, attain their financial goals, and feel like they're being compensated fairly for their valuable time and energy. Sounds like a straightforward solvable problem, right? Just budget! Save more! Spend less! Start packing your lunch! No big deal!

Why Financial Therapy is Important

Except… when you peek underneath the mental and emotional hood, people are actually having a complex, and often subconscious way of relating to money that impacts the way they behave to a much more significant degree than their good intentions to conscientiously meal prep and use a budgeting app. What we know from the emerging field of financial therapy is that we are all carrying old, deep, and often subconscious thoughts, feelings and core beliefs about money and our relationship to money — often stemming from our experiences in our families of origin.

Until you have the opportunity to dig into your subconscious core beliefs and feelings about money, it can be very difficult to implement lasting behavioral changes to the way you handle your money. Financial therapy often involves helping you develop the kind of healthy “money mindset” that will allow you to feel in control of your financial future.

Financial Therapy For Couples

Our relationship to money impacts the way we handle our individual finances, but it can also have a significant impact on our marriages. Money fights are one of the most common pain points for couples. When two people come together to form a marriage and family, and who are (of course) both carrying their own subconscious ways of relating to money that may be at odds with each other's, it can become highly conflictual.

Most couples need to do intentional and meaningful personal growth work around getting on the same page with regards to their finances. This work needs to go deeper than band-aid quick-fixes, like admonishments to make a budget. It needs to help couples understand each other's experiences that shaped their values around money, and the core needs that are being met through their relationships to money. Only with that level of empathy and understanding are couples able to achieve real and lasting change around their financial partnership.

Develop a Healthy Money Mindset

To help YOU begin to understand your relationship with money, I've invited financial therapist Jennifer Dunkle, M.A., LPC to join me on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast. Jennifer specializes in financial therapy, and provides financial therapy for couples as well as individuals. Listen (or watch) and get Jennifer's tips for how to:

  • Uncover your subconscious beliefs and feelings about money
  • Understand how your family of origin experiences may be impacting the way you handle money
  • How to get a handle on impulsive spending
  • How to manage financial anxiety
  • The types of money issues couples deal with, and how to resolve them
  • How to heal from financial infidelity in marriage
  • How to spot (and stop) financial abuse in a relationship
  • How to handle power and control issues around money in a relationship
  • Practical strategies and resources to help you develop a healthy money mindset

I hope that this discussion helps YOU get insight into yourself and your relationship with money, so that you can create a money mindset that helps you achieve your financial goals.

Wishing you all the best,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

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How to Develop a Healthy Money Mindset

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

Music Credits: Jeremy Allingham, “Money Gods”

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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She's the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

Let's  Talk

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Working with an expert couples counselor can help you create understanding, empathy and open communication that felt impossible before.

 

Start your journey of growth together by scheduling a free consultation.

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Premarital Counseling: Set Your Marriage Up For Success

Premarital Counseling: Set Your Marriage Up For Success

Premarital Counseling: Set Your Marriage Up For Success

On The Fence About Premarital Counseling?

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Wedding season is upon us, so I thought it would be a good idea to talk about the benefits of premarital counseling, and why so many marriage counselors and couples believe it's such a good investment for a relationship. Here are some FAQs that couples often have when deciding if premarital counseling is right for them:

We have a great relationship and don't have any issues. How can premarital counseling help us?

Even the best relationships could use improvements in conflict resolution and communication. There may be “blind spots” that you're unaware of that could potentially become an issue later on in your relationship. Premarital counseling allows couples to be proactive about these issues before they even arise.

How does premarital counseling differ from couples therapy?

In general, premarital counseling is much more structured than traditional couples therapy, particularly if you do a structured premarital program or a premarital class. Many couples enter into premarital counseling without an agenda, or unsure of even what to talk about. An experienced marriage therapist will be able to structure sessions around topics that are common issues that couples tend to come to marriage counseling for later. Typically, premarital counseling is less in depth than couples therapy.

What can I expect in a typical session?

Sessions can be as structured as needed, depending upon the couple. Some couples come into premarital counseling already with an idea of what they would like to focus on, while others enter into the process without an agenda. Premarital counseling can be effective in both of these situations. A good therapist will tailor your sessions to your unique needs.

How many sessions do you recommend?

I've found the average number of sessions for premarital couples to be 5-7; sometimes more, sometimes less. This totally depends on what couples would like to focus on, and how in depth they'd like to go.

There is a lot of information and talking points that we've found on the internet on what to talk about before getting married. Why should I pay for premarital counseling?

Private coaching or therapy gives couples the opportunity to focus on the unique needs of their relationship, and to practice new ways of interacting with each other. Additionally, having an objective marriage expert by your side could help you prevent some pitfalls that you may not even be aware of.

Many couples find it helpful to develop a relationship with a therapist so that they can easily come in for maintenance. Similar to finding a good mechanic for your car, having a trusted person to go to for a “tune up” of your relationship is a great benefit.

More questions about pre-marital counseling? We have answers…

What to expect in premarital counseling?

How much does premarital counseling cost?

Can we do premarital counseling online?

Is premarital counseling really necessary?

I hope this information about pre-marital counseling helps you both decide if it's the right decision for you!

xo, Lisa Marie Bobby

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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She's the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

Let's  Talk

Real Help For Your Relationship

Lots of couples go through challenging times, but the ones who turn "rough-patches" into "growth moments" can come out the other side stronger and happier than ever before.

 

Working with an expert couples counselor can help you create understanding, empathy and open communication that felt impossible before.

 

Start your journey of growth together by scheduling a free consultation.

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Relationship Advice From a Divorce Lawyer

Relationship Advice From a Divorce Lawyer

Relationship Advice From a Divorce Lawyer

How to Stop a Divorce… And Have a Happy, Healthy Marriage

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As a marriage counselor, couples therapist and premarital counselor I've had a few interesting observations about January. Two types of couples tend to show up: Sparkly-eyed premarital couples who got engaged over the holidays and how are eager for premarital counseling to set their marriages up for success, and…. couples who are on the absolute brink of divorce.

The latter are often couples who did NOT do meaningful premarital counseling, and who have had hurts, resentments, and issues simmering underneath the surface for a long time. They've often put off getting real relationship help for years, until it's turned into a full-blown relationship crisis, and someone files for divorce. It's true: divorce filings spike in January. There are many reasons for the rationale behind the timing. Holiday stress can certainly be one, but in my experience as a marriage counselor and couples therapist, a more common reason that people file for divorce in January is the simple fact that they've been keeping a lid on things until after the holidays are over, and are eager to start a new chapter of their live that coincides with the new year.

Whether you're reading this with the intention of learning how to prevent a divorce and keep your marriage strong, or possibly looking for advice for how to stop a divorce and save your marriage — I've got you covered!

How to Keep Your Relationship Strong, and Prevent a Divorce

On this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I have a special gift for both premarital couples AND couples on the brink of divorce: A special interview with Jim Sexton, author of “How to Stay in Love.” Jim has a unique perspective — he has spent years working as a divorce lawyer and has sat with countless couples who are in the process of ending their marriage. Through these experiences he gained insight into the biggest mistakes couples can make, the most important things you can do to prevent a divorce, and key things that couples can do to keep their relationship healthy and strong.

Relationship Advice For Premarital Couples: If you're a premarital couple getting ready for the adventure of marriage, I hope you listen and get some great, practical advice for how to prevent future problems.

Relationship Advice For Couples In Crisis: If you are considering divorce, or trying to stop a divorce, I also hope you listen. Gaining new understanding of why couples get divorced can give you a roadmap for healing in your relationship.

And saving a marriage from divorce is possible. I've seen it! While divorce can seem like “the final solution” to relationship problems that couples don't know how else to solve, sometimes one person threatening (or even filing for) divorce can be a powerful opportunity to create real and lasting positive change in your marriage. Saying “I want a divorce” can mean “I am so hurt and angry and I don't know how else to make this better.” Understanding that for what it is, a statement of pain and a plea for understanding, can launch a new era of compassion and connection in a relationship. This podcast (and some of the other resources I share within) can help you repair your marriage.

Relationship Advice From a Divorce Lawyer

Listen and learn:

  • Things premarital couples should consider prior to marriage that will help lessen the chances of future divorce
  • The subtle “fork in the road” moments that many couples miss that will lead towards increased connection… or increased disconnection
  • The crucial conversations every premarital (and married) couple should have
  • Why marriages end, and simple, daily things you can do to keep YOUR marriage healthy and strong
  • Specific things you can do to pull your relationship back from the brink
  • How to protect your relationship from an affair (especially a “Facebook affair.”)
  • If you must get divorced, how to go about it in the best way possible

 

I hope this episode helps you understand your marriage in a new way, and provides some direction for how to keep it healthy and strong.

All the best,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

PS: In addition to speaking with Jim about his wonderful perspective and relationship advice, I mentioned some other resources as well. Here's a link to a past podcast, “How to Stop a Divorce and Save Your Marriage” with lots of specific tips for what to do if your spouse is moving towards divorce. Also here's a link to the “How Healthy Is Your Relationship Quiz” I mentioned. This quiz can be a doorway to having meaningful and important conversations with your partner, especially if your relationship has been struggling. — LMB

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Relationship Advice From a Divorce Lawyer

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

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Like This Episode? Please Rate, Review & Share the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast!

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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She's the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

Let's  Talk

Real Help For Your Relationship

Lots of couples go through challenging times, but the ones who turn "rough-patches" into "growth moments" can come out the other side stronger and happier than ever before.

 

Working with an expert couples counselor can help you create understanding, empathy and open communication that felt impossible before.

 

Start your journey of growth together by scheduling a free consultation.

More Love, Happiness and Success Advice

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read more

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read more

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What is your problem? And what is someone else's responsibility? Learn how to set healthy boundaries with clarity and confidence.

read more

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is an evidence-based approach to couples counseling that helps you fix your relationship on a deep level by repairing your attachment bond. It’s powerful stuff!

read more

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Learn the most self-compassionate and effective strategies for how to build confidence in yourself, on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.

read more

How Premarital Counseling Works

No matter how long you’ve been together, premarital counseling strategies can help your relationship by proactively addressing things in a positive way… before they become problems. Learn how, on this episode of the podcast.

read more

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read more

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read more
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read more

Are You Compatible?

Are You Compatible?

Are You Compatible?

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She's the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

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Are You With “The One?”

Are you compatible? How do you know if you're with the right person? If your relationship is good but not perfect, is that okay?

These are questions that bedevil many, especially in this modern era where a brand new potential relationship is always just a swipe away. Are you truly compatible with your partner? Is this a good relationship, even if you have points of conflict? How good is good enough? These questions certainly com up when you're dating, but also for people in long-term relationships. Should you stay with this person, and invest in the relationship for the long-term — go to couples counseling, work on your communication, etc — or should you cut your losses and move on?

So. Many. Questions.

Relationship FOMO is a Thing.

It's easy to compare the good, the bad, and the ugly aspects of our own relationship to what people choose to share about their own on social media. Even though we all know, rationally, that there's more to the story of every relationship than the gigantic flower bouquets and super-fun moments people choose to share on social media, it's still normal to have a twinge when you get a peek into what other people are doing.

In reality, all relationships are a mixed bag: We partner with other imperfect human beings who have quirks, personalities, annoying traits, and who are never going to meet all of our needs perfectly. (Although there are things you can do to increase the odds: Check out “How to Get Your Needs Met in a Relationship.”)

At the same time, it can be hard to figure out what is good enough when it comes to relationship compatibility. How do you know if this is as good as it's going to get? Or if you're settling for less than you could have if you kept looking for the right partner. Even worse, how much time do you want to spend in this relationship, and on this person, if you're only going to break up or divorce in the end.

Fear of Commitment

This uncertainty about a relationship becomes especially fraught when people are beginning to think about marriage. We toss around the term “afraid of commitment,” but after years of talking to commitment-phobic people as a life coach and therapist, I've found that at the root of their anxiety are the same questions: Is this it? Is there a better relationship for me? How do I know if I'm settling?

When people begin considering marriage, these relationship questions become a siren in their mind to the point where it can cause a great deal of anxiety. And for good reason! There are very few choices that will impact the trajectory of your life as the choice of a life-partner.

This angst was captured perfectly by a recent question that someone asked on our Growing Self Facebook page:

Hello! I have been listening to your podcast for years and it’s helped me so much. For the first time I’ve built a healthy, long-term relationship with a guy and I’m so happy. I had a question I’d love you to answer in a podcast or blog: how do you know if you should marry the guy?

I’m in my mid twenties and loads of my friends are facing this question, as am I. You’ve been with them a couple years, it’s good but not perfect … Do you break up and look for more or is he the one?

- A Podcast Listener

Are You Compatible?

There are so many different aspects of compatibility: Personality, values, the way you communicate, the things you want for your life, and more. Furthermore, we know from the work of Dr. John Gottman that the bulk of relationship issues couples face are not things that are “solvable problems.” They are issues of compatibility — based on things that are intrinsic to who you each are, and will likely never change much.

There are other aspects of relationships that can be changed, through excellent premarital counseling, couples therapy, and relationship coaching. In my experience, all of us have room to go and improve in the way we relate. People can learn and grow. Communication can improve. Priorities can change. People mature. Most importantly, people often learn how to show each other love and respect, and kindness and generosity over time. These are all skills, and they are coachable skills — particularly when you're motivated to have a great relationship.

However, it's also true that there is not a human being alive who you will be in perfect alignment with all the time. So a big piece of figuring out compatibility in a relationship is identifying your own boundaries: what you can accept, what you can appreciate, and what is a deal-breaker for you.

A Relationship Expert's Take on Compatibility

Because the subject of relationship compatibility is so complex, I decided to ask my colleague Dr. Georgiana (who is also a licensed marriage and family therapist) to share her insight on the subject. Listen to our interview for Dr. G's surprising advice for how to

  • Determine if you and your partner are compatible
  • The most important compatibility factors for a successful relationship
  • The least important factors for determining relationship compatibility (that most people mistakenly look to, btw)
  • How to determine your “deal breakers “
  • Signs that your normal, imperfect relationship is worth working on (or letting go of)
  • How much change is possible for each person in a long-term relationship
  • Things to consider if you're thinking about breaking up or staying together
  • When to focus on acceptance and appreciation for the person your partner is vs. when to push for growth and change

Dr. G and I both have years of experience as dating coaches, premarital counselors and marriage counselors, and we're tackling all these questions for you on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.

All the best,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

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Are You Compatible?

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

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Premarital Counseling Questions To Set Your Marriage Up For Success

Premarital Counseling Questions To Set Your Marriage Up For Success

Premarital Counseling Questions To Set Your Marriage Up For Success

Brenda Fahn, M.A., LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist, a Prepare-enrich Certified Premarital Counselor, and a facilitator of our Lifetime of Love Premarital and Relationship Class. She provides expert premarital counseling online, as well as  in person at our Broomfield, CO office location.

Bust The Myths & Embrace The Truth About Relationships


I've been a marriage counselor and premarital counselor online and in person for many years. I love working with couples eager to set their marriages up for success. As I look into the faces of my premarital counseling couples, I see a myriad of emotions:  Excitement, anticipation, anxiety, fear, nervousness, and joy.  And like most important milestones in life, it's possible to hold contradictory emotions at the same time.

Marriage is BIG.  It's wise for couples to be asking each other essential premarital questions before they tie the knot.  I want to address many of the myths and truths about marriage that premarital couples usually bring into my office.  My hope is that if my premarital couples have a clearer understanding about what to expect and what is ‘normal’, then they can be more prepared to endure and accept and solve the challenges that will occur.

Premarital Questions to Address Before You Move Forward

Premarital Question #1:  Do we believe that if we are having issues now (as a premarital couple), and require counseling, there must be something really wrong with our relationship?

This is a myth: Every couple has issues that they bring to a relationship prior to marriage, either consciously or unconsciously.  Many of these issues exist at the beginning of any relationship and will continue to fester for years to come. All relationships have friction points like these. They are not necessarily ‘indicators’ of the success or failure of your future relationship.  However, smart couples know that it's always better to get ahead of these relationship issues at the beginning of your journey, rather than ten years down the road. [Read: Why Premarital Counseling Can Make or Break a Marriage]

 

Premarital Question #2:  Do you believe that you need to get all of my emotional needs met by your partner?

This is another myth: Spouses can not, and should not be expected to fulfill ALL of your emotional needs. In fact the opposite is true.  Studies show that couples who have fulfilling ‘friendship’ relationships (other than their spouse) are happier in their marriage. In a healthy, happy, successful marriage, the  main goal of our partners is to provide a safe place for us, to be attuned to us and to know that there is one person in the world who has our back.  Yet, we also need close friends and authentic connections outside of our marriage to feel fulfilled.  [Read: Do You Have Unrealistic Relationship Expectations?”]

Premarital Question #3:   Do you believe that if you fight, there must be something wrong with your relationship?

Not true. Conflict is inevitable in a relationship. In short, fighting is good. You should be more concerned if you find yourself in a relationship that has no conflict.  The problem is not that there will be conflict, but how do you deal with it and process your conflict. Do you escalate quickly? Do you avoid it? Do you fight unfairly? How you fight and how you repair is much more important than if you fight.  [Read: Communication That Connects]

Premarital Question #4: Do either of you fear that if you lose your feeling of ‘being in love', it must mean you are not meant to be together?


This is another erroneous believe that can be very damaging to your marriage. ‘Feelings’ in life are fleeting, they come and go in cycles. And the feeling of ‘being in love’ is exhilarating and intoxicating, but realistically, it’s not sustainable over time nor is it substantial.   The feeling of ‘being in love’ is what propels us into a relationship. What keeps a relationship strong is committing to the necessary ‘work’ to keep a relationship strong and lasting. Ironically that work can also keep the feelings of love alive. [Read: “How To Be in Love With Your Partner.”]

Premarital Question #5: Is one of your hoping that if you love your partner enough, they will change?

This is a very dangerous belief to base the success of your future marriage on. Always go into a relationship with ‘eyes wide open’. It is unrealistic to go into a relationship assuming that someone is going to change. It’s probably not going to happen.  This doesn’t mean that people aren’t capable and willing to change in long-term relationships, but if you think you have the magical powers to change that person and that only by doing so, you can handle the relationship, then you are deluding yourself instead of accepting reality.  The question to ask yourself, “If nothing changes about this other person, can I live with that?” [Listen: Should You Break Up or Stay Together.]

Free Advice From a Premarital Counselor:

It's vital that you and your potential mate ask each other the premarital questions that I've just talked through. But if you want to have a lifetime of love together, it's not enough to release the false beliefs you may have held about relationships. Instead, we need to replace them with truths about relationships. Here are just a few:

Relationship Truth #1:  Marriage is hard.

I am sure you have heard this mantra before.  But it’s the truth. Marriage is hard work. The work of marriage is to challenge us as people, to make us grow, to learn how to really love and be loved.   If it were easy, the results would not be that fulfilling. It’s hard on purpose, just like any growth we encounter in life. [Read: A Growth Mindset of Marriage]


Relationship Truth #2:   Expect less from your relationship and more from your life.

I thought that when I got married, I had arrived.  I could enjoy my proverbial pina colada cocktail on the beach and enjoy life.  Nothing could be further from the truth. Marriage was only the beginning of finding out how I wanted my life to unfold.   I have been fortunate to have a marriage where I feel connected (most of the time), supported (most of the time) and loved (most of the time.)  That has allowed me to feel secure and have a more full life.

Our relationships should give us a secure ‘base’ to live a full life.  If we only look to our marriage to provide for all of our emotional needs, we tend to end up feeling resentful, versus working to bring your best self to a marriage—a self that is full of life and confidence. [Listen: Becoming Empowered]

Relationship Truth #3:  You will both change and that is okay.

In a long-term relationships, you are bound to change.   You might change your opinions, your beliefs, and your interests.  A different part of you might come out. Relationships will become boring when you do not take the risk to change and do not take the risk to show that to your partner.  What is more important is staying connected regardless of what changes come up—being available and present are two of the best gifts you can give your spouse through all of life. [Listen: Finding Your Soulmate; The Truth About Relationship Compatibility]


Relationship Truth #4:  Increase the positives in your relationship.  Our focus becomes our reality.

Couples forget to focus on what is going well in their relationship.  They forget to tell their partner what they appreciate. When the focus becomes on what is going wrong, that focus becomes reality and it perpetuates more negative interactions. It can become a self-reinforcing narrative that can overwhelm your relationship.  As the famous psychologist, John Gottman, reminds us, marriages succeed if they have 5 positive interactions for every one negative interaction. Increase the positive! [Read: How to Strengthen Your Relationship]


Relationship Truth #6: Do not be afraid to ask for help when you come to an impasse in your relationship.

We all get stuck in relationships sometimes.  You can save yourself years of misery, if you seek help.  My analogy is that it’s always easier to try to lose weight when it’s 20 pounds versus 150 pounds.  The smartest, most successful couples are the ones that get themselves into marriage counseling sooner rather than later. Unfortunately, couples who wait too long may have lost their opportunity to repair their marriage. Don't let this happen to you! [Listen: How to Stop a Divorce and Save Your Relationship, and Read: The True Cost of Marriage Counseling]


Relationship Truth #7:  Every relationship will have issues.

Decide if your partner's issues are ones that you can live with.  Don't go into a relationship thinking you can change or control the other person. A paradox of life is the more you accept someone, the more they will be willing to change. But if you base your satisfaction in the relationship with ‘if' that person changes, you will be forever chasing the ‘what ifs’ and not the reality of your life.  [Read: Are You Stuck in a Codependent Relationship?]


Relationship Truth #8:  Everything in life has a balance.

“The closer you come to paradox the closer you come to truth.” — Unknown author.  

Know that two things can be true at the same time.   I remember clearly my husband saying to me, at the beginning of our marriage, “It’s crazy.  In one day I can feel like I need to get away from you and later in that same day I feel like I am so in love with you.”  We can hold two truths at the same time. You can love your spouse and yet they can drive you crazy at times.

The same is true when you both have different perspectives on the same thing. That doesn't mean one of you is wrong. Practice getting on your partner's side of the table, and understanding their point of view. Doing so will help you both become more tolerant, more mature, and have a stronger marriage for it. [Read: Empathy and Connection]


Relationship Truth #9:  Don't get caught in the ‘someone else is better for me’ trap.

It's always easy to compare the weakness of your real partner, against the unrealistic nostalgia of an ex-boyfriend or someone you know casually. These are unrealistic expectations at best, and fantasy at its worst.  

This tactic or tendency is usually based on some unconscious need to create distance between you and your partner; to pull back and disconnect.  There are many explanations as why we do this, but I have found that, in most circumstances, it has more to do with your own feelings and insecurities, than with your partner’s perceived faults.

At the same time,  it’s okay to feel that there might be parts of your partner that make it hard for you to show up, or make it hard to want to be close, but if you get into the  ‘comparison game’ you can easily feel like you are a victim. You can be tempted to feel like your life is not fair and if you only had someone different life would be amazing and you would never have to feel ‘negative' feelings again.' [Read: Why Your Marriage is Worth Saving]


Relationship Truth #10: There are some traits in your partner that should not be tolerated; and in these cases it's okay to walk away.


Referring to the myth that you can magically change someone, realize that if someone has an addiction or abusive personality traits–no matter how much love and care and support you give them — they need to deal with those issues on their own.  They need to take responsibility. You cannot save them on your own and being in a relationship with an addicted or abusive partner, who isn’t willing to take personal responsibility, will not end well. [Listen: What to Do When Your Partner Has a Problem]


Get help for yourself if you struggle with an addiction, a personality disorder, anxiety or depression.  Don't expect your partner to save you, in the process, it is too easy for both of you to drown.
It doesn't mean our partner can't help us heal some of our wounds from the past, but they can't be our therapist.  You will find your relationship will be much more satisfying if you do your own work.   [Listen: Is it Depression?]

Relationship Truth #11:  It really does matter how you say something.

I remember a client, whose marriage was on the brink of divorce, said something in session to his wife that was biting and insensitive.  I suggested he try saying the same thing, but in a different tone and manner. I ‘modeled’ an alternative narrative without changing the content.   He looked at me with disdain, and in a sarcastic tone said, “Does it really matter if I change a few words?”

The answer is a resounding YES.  Marriage and family expert Dr. John Gottman has shown us, through years of research, that our negative communication habits can kill a relationship.  Those habits are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt. If you use those techniques, work on expressing your feelings and your requests without blame or shame.  Learn how to say something to your partner in a way that they can hear it and that can mean changing only a few words sometimes. [Listen: How to Communicate When Your Partner Shuts Down, and Why Your Partner is “Always” Angry]

 

Here are some last words of advice, from an experienced premarital counselor and marriage therapist to every bright young couple on the cusp of marriage.

I have been married for 14 years and I would be lying if I said they were all blissful.  They have been challenging. They have been wonderful. They have been hard and they have been a gift.  The thing I did not expect was how much it would make me look at myself—my own weaknesses, my own strengths, my own stubbornness and my own ability to love.   

I have learned that all of us are more satisfied when we are being pushed to grow. I encourage all of you premarital couples to jump into this journey of marriage. It is a place to grow.  It is a place to choose love… and therefore a place to choose being truly alive.

With love to you on your journey of growth together,

Brenda Fahn, M.A., LMFT

 

 

   
 

 

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