Happily married people can develop innocent crushes, but infatuation can also be an on-ramp to an affair. Learn how to protect your marriage, on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.
How to Deal With Trust Issues
How to Deal With Trust Issues
Trust Issues In Your Relationship? Here's What to Do…
HOW TO DEAL WITH TRUST ISSUES: If you've ever felt insecure in a relationship or found it difficult to trust your partner, and thought to yourself, “I think I have trust issues…” today's episode of the podcast is for you.
In my opinion, having “trust issues” can be a good thing. It takes a long time to get to know people, and not all people are trustworthy. Part of having healthy boundaries is practicing discernment: figuring out who is emotionally safe for you (and who isn't) and then acting accordingly.
If you've been burned in the past, it's normal to feel twinges of anxiety as you become increasingly vulnerable with a new person. You're still getting to know them and figuring out whether or not they're trustworthy. Let's not label healthy apprehension as problematic “trust issues” that need to be eradicated. It's your emotional guidance system's way of being protective of you, and telling you to slow down and take your time to get to know people.
How to Deal With Trust Issues
Particularly if you've been hurt in past relationships, it's absolutely normal to have “trust issues” that need to be worked on in your new relationship.
But here's the thing to know: There is a difference between healthy caution and strong boundaries, and persistently feeling anxious about your relationship even after your partner is showing you they are trustworthy and emotionally safe.
If you are in a relationship with someone who is (generally, if not perfectly) kind, emotionally safe, and consistent, and you're still watching their every move, feeling like an over-caffeinated feral cat ready to run for your life at the slightest twitch… you might have trust issues.
What are trust issues? Having trust issues means that the source of your mistrust and feelings of insecurity are not due to what's happening in the relationship, but are stemming from unresolved wounds you experienced in past relationships. If you have been hurt in the past (particularly if you've survived a toxic relationship) and never really worked through it, you could be with the most honest and trustworthy person in the world and still struggle to trust them fully. Because your feelings of mistrust have nothing to do with them, specifically. You'd carry armloads of anxiety with you into every relationship.
If you're reading this and thinking, “Yep, that's me.” [Raising hand] “Right here. I have trust issues.” I'd like you to know that it's really important that you work on trust issues and not blow them off or live with them for too long.
The reason is that if you have unresolved trust issues in a relationship that run rampant, they can wind up harming your relationships. Even sabotaging them. And as your unresolved trust issues implode your relationships, one after another, it will only create more hurtful experiences and increasingly entrenched “trust issues” for you to work through down the road.
If you've become aware that you might have trust issues, especially trust issues in relationships, it's important to take action to resolve them.
How to Get Over Trust Issues
That's why on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast, we're talking all about how to overcome trust issues. I'll be answering questions like,
“What are trust issues?”
“What causes trust issues?
“Why do I have trust issues?”
And most importantly: “How to get over trust issues?”
I will share with you the signs of trust issues. You will also learn how a lack of trust can hurt you, your partner, and your relationship. As a licensed psychologist and relationship coach, I will discuss how you can start overcoming trust issues and start feeling more secure in your most important relationships.
Tune in to the full interview to learn how you can let go of your trust issues to:
- Learn how to overcome trust issues that create problems for your relationship.
- Find out the causes of trust issues.
- Learn how to manage feelings of anxiety in relationships
- Understand how and why you should take responsibility for your emotions and response.
- Know the effects of trust issues on your relationship and partner.
Ready to start? You can listen to this “How to Deal With Trust Issues” podcast on Spotify, on the Apple Podcast App, or scroll down to the bottom of this page to listen to it on GrowingSelf.com. (Or anywhere else you like to listen to podcasts.) While you're listening to this episode, don't forget to subscribe to the podcast!
If you're more of a reader than a listener, keep reading to learn more about about “how to deal with trust issues” and get an overview of what I'm discussing in today's show…
What Are Trust Issues?
You might think that that people have “trust issues” related to a partner who has betrayed them in the past. This a reasonable assumption: many people wouldn’t trust someone after they've been betrayed and their trust has been damaged.
However, having “trust issues” in a relationship where trust has been broken is not an “issue.” It's a normal, healthy response to be suspicious of someone who may not be trustworthy. (As evidenced by past experiences.) Repairing trust in a relationship is an entirely different thing than having “trust issues” that you carry around with you.
Please check out “Sorry's just not good enough: How to repair trust,” and “Repairing Trust After Infidelity” for more on this topic.
There's a distinction between broken trust and the trust issues I’m going to talk about today. In this episode, I will talk about feeling mistrustful or not feeling safe in a relationship even if nothing terrible has happened.
Learning how to deal with trust issues and insecurities in a relationship in which nothing bad has happened is challenging. Having these types of trust issues are also really common.
Signs of Trust Issues
These are the signs you should watch out for to recognize whether or not you have some trust issues to work on:
- You've been hurt or betrayed by people in the past.
- You doubt your partner despite the absence of betrayal.
- You often question if your partner is trustworthy or is telling the truth.
- You are extra-vigilant for any signs of lying, cheating, and concealing.
- You perpetually feel anxiety or insecurity about your relationship.
People With Trust Issues…
Someone with trust issues will often have feelings of anxiety, worry or doubt about their relationship. This can result in big feelings, and attempts to get more information from your partner (which can wind up feeling to them like they're being accused of something they didn't do). For example, a mistrustful person might ask for additional evidence regarding their partner's whereabouts or what they were doing… but have a hard time believing what ever their partner says.
If their partner can explain their whereabouts, or provide reassurance, that additional information might temporarily soothe the anxiety or insecurity, but it's a trap — it doesn't resolve the underlying cause of trust issues. Even if, in the moment, the explanation or reassurance helps, its only a matter of time before you start to worry again.
Unfortunately, the constant cycle of worry – requests for information / reassurance – temporary soothing – more worry is exhausting for your partner too. If you have trust issues it feels like you're always asking for reassurance that you're emotionally safe. But your partner may feel like nothing is ever enough, and that they are not emotionally safe with you. It turns into a negative pursue / withdrawal relationship cycle that just keeps spiraling down.
Trust Issues in a Relationship
Trust issues — if not dealt with and worked through — will eventually damage a relationship. Someone with trust issues will be worried most, if not all, of the time, which will place a great deal of pressure and strain on the relationship. This negatively impacts communication and emotional safety for both partners.
If you're in a relationship with someone who has trust issues you may feel like:
- You are walking on eggshells.
- Your partner is always upset with you.
- Your partner doesn't respect you enough to trust you.
- You feel exhausted from having to provide constant reassurance or affection.
Over time, if your partner has unresolved trust issues you may begin to view them as being excessively needy or demanding. The problem is that without lots of reassurance, the mistrustful person might think that you don't love them, or that you're doing something behind their back, or that you are angry with them.
If you are in a relationship with someone who is always thinking bad things about you, you aren’t going to feel loved, respected, or trusted. The relationship will stop feeling emotionally safe for you as a result.
Over time, you will feel yourself withdrawing emotionally — a self-fulfilling prophecy of your anxious partner's worst nightmare come true!
How to Fix Trust Issues
Trust issues will not heal or go away on their own. You need to actively address them. The first step is to recognize that unresolved trust issues are damaging your relationship. Therapy for trust issues is particularly useful if you become aware of longstanding patterns of feeling anxious or insecure in your relationships.
If you decide to pursue therapy to resolve trust issues, you should be sure that your therapist knows how to handle this type of relationship problem. Ask your prospective therapist these questions:
- Why do you think people have trust issues?
- What is your process for helping someone overcome trust issues?
Your therapist should provide you with a coherent answer and explain it in ways that make sense to you. In particular, a therapist with a background in attachment theory, emotionally focused couples therapy and / or cognitive behavioral therapy can help.
Relational Trauma + Attachment Styles
Sometimes people develop trust issues after having had bad experiences in past relationships. It can be helpful to understand these past experiences as a “little t trauma” that needs to be resolved and healed.
Other times, particularly if trust issues are longstanding, you may discover over the course of therapy that the cause has more to do with your attachment style than with one specific “relationship trauma.”
What are attachment styles?
Attachment styles are the ways we relate to others that we developed through our early life experiences.
Most people are generally secure in their attachments to others. They trust people until given a reason not to do so. However, people who's earliest relationships were not always safe or consistent can develop “protective” attachment styles.
- Avoidant Attachment Style — You can become overly critical of others or actively reject other people. Avoidant people don't trust anyone enough to get close to them and think they don't need anyone.
- Anxious Attachment Style — People with an anxious attachment style feel insecure and doubtful of their romantic partners and may need extra reassurance. They might also unconsciously anticipate rejection. This anticipation isn't something they consciously do.
Even people who are generally or were formerly secure in their relationships can exhibit qualities of the above attachment styles after having experienced a relationship trauma, which is wholly natural and valid. Particularly after ending a toxic relationship, you may need to heal and recover to feel safe in your relationships again going forward.
“Why Do I Have Trust Issues?”
If you're reading this and beating yourself up because you may have trust issues, it's time to stop. Having self-compassion and understanding that there is a reason you feel the way you do is the first step of healing.
Being compassionate with yourself cultivates healthy self awareness, and this is vital. Without awareness of your trust issues, you may find yourself becoming hyper-vigilant and suspicious of your partner. Instead, the work ahead of you is learning how to provide yourself with soothing and reassurance to manage your anxiety in relationships.
Healing Trust Issues
To heal trust issues, you need an understanding of what's going on inside your head, self-awareness, and compassion for yourself. People with trust issues have experienced relational trauma, and it would help both partners if they understood that these feelings are real and normal. However, their feelings are not related to the current relationship.
If you have trust issues, you need to learn how to manage your anxiety and respond to your triggers effectively. Having individual therapy or relationship counseling can be helpful. Be kind to yourself, your partner, and your relationship by taking responsibility for your feelings.
Tips to Overcome Trust Issues
Here are a few resources that can support your work to overcome trust issues.
- Go through a process of evidence-based cognitive behavioral therapy with someone who understands relational trauma and attachment styles.
- Take online courses, such as our Happiness Class. It will not explicitly resolve your trust issues, but it will set your expectations.
By undergoing therapy, you can reprocess your relational trauma, learn how to handle your anxiety, and know your triggers. These things will lead to a healthier relationship and set you on the path to healing.
Just remember, that this type of healing can be quite slow. It's important to be committed to the process of therapy. Especially if you've had trust issues for a long time (or trust issues that stem from early life experiences) this is not going to go away overnight.
But you can learn to understand them, manage them, and cultivate safety and security in your most important relationships.
Wishing you all the very best on your journey of growth and healing…
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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She's the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.
How to Deal With Trust Issues: Podcast Transcript
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How to Deal With Trust Issues — The Podcast
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: This is Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, and you're listening to the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.
Could there even be a more perfect song to set the tone for a conversation about trust issues? I don't think so. What we're listening to right now is a band called Monk Turner + Fascinoma with a song “Trust (Is Just A Word)” from their album Emergency Songs. I don't know about emergency songs, but they're all fantastic songs, so you should check out Monk Turner + Fascinoma if you want to learn more about what they're up to.
But in the meantime, we are here today to talk about trust issues and how to deal with trust issues and insecurities, particularly when it comes to relationships. And the reason why we're talking about this today is because I get this question a lot. And if you are one who's reached out to me through Instagram or Facebook or on the blog at growingself.com with questions like, “how do I trust again after I've been hurt in the past?” or one of the many, you know, variations of that question. I want you to know that I have been listening and collecting your questions and this show is for you. Today we're going to be talking about why people have trust issues and things that you can do to overcome the trust issues so that your relationship is no longer stressed, strained, or damaged by trust issues because that can happen. And we'll talk about why.
Now, if you have a question for me, or would also like to pose a topic for an upcoming podcast, I hope you get in touch with me. You can always track me down on Instagram at @drlisamariebobby, Facebook at Dr. Lisa Bobby, or of course jump into the fray. You can cruise over to growingself.com and join the vibrant community of commenters and questioners and discussers. That is often found at the bottom of blog posts that you're interested in. So enough about that. Let's jump in to today's topic.
Today, we are talking about trust issues. And I want to make a very careful and deliberate distinction. People often have trouble trusting their partners after they have experienced a damage in trust. So in past podcasts, I've talked a lot about how to repair trust in a relationship after betrayal has occurred. I've talked about how to restore trust after an affair as a separate topic. And those situations are different than what we're talking about today. We're not talking about that. Because there's a difference in having trust issues in a relationship after an actual betrayal or breaking of trust, like an affair like financial infidelity, like someone had a substance use disorder and there was all kinds of broken trust and lies and betrayals that happened, you know, over the course of their disease. And so, when couples are setting about to repair trust that has been broken in the context of a relationship, it requires a very special process to do that. And also, I don't see that kind of mistrust as necessarily being problematic.
In fact, I view that as being a normal, expected, and actually quite healthy response to not fully trust someone who has demonstrated that they are not trustworthy unless and until you go through that process of repair and healing that takes time and effort on both sides, and is a very special special kind of work. So if you are listening to this podcast hopeful that that is what I'm going to be talking about, I would actually refer you back to those previous podcasts I've done. You can scroll back through the podcast feed of the Love, Happiness, and Success podcast to find them. Or you can also go to the blog at growingself.com and on—let's see what are we calling it—in the main nav there's like an expert advice tab. Click on that and then you'll see a search bar in addition to like the most recent articles and podcasts, not just for myself, but from other experts on our team. But in the search bar, you could just type the word ‘trust’ and you will see all kinds of articles as well as links to those past podcasts about how to repair trust after betrayal. And I hope you do check those out because that's a hard path and people doing that often require a lot of support. But hopefully the information you find there will give you a head start.
Trust Issues: Not the Same Thing as Broken Trust
So, that is not what we're talking about today. Today, what we are talking about are trust issues that happen when you don't feel safe in a relationship where nothing bad has happened. It means not feeling safe or secure with your partner, even if, as far as you know, you are actually emotionally safe with them. So when you have more broad trust issues that you're carrying around with you, you could be in a relationship with the most honest, trustworthy, committed person in the world and in a relationship where nothing bad or weird has ever happened and still think, “I don't know about you,” or “I'm not totally sure that I can believe this,” or “ what if something is actually happening that I just don't know about yet?”
So when we have trust issues that are our trust issues that we're bringing in places with us, those are the kinds of things that can be happening on the inside, even in a great relationship. And to kind of go into this just a little bit deeper, here are some signs of trust issues just to kind of help you reflect on whether or not you resonate with any of these experiences. So generally speaking, people with trust issues, in the absence of a betrayal in that particular relationship, will often worry about whether or not their partner is being trustworthy, whether they're being told the truth, whether there's something going on behind the scenes that will sooner or later come out and hurt them. And so because they sort of have this kind of, you know, running fear in the back of their mind that something could happen or something is happening, I just don't know yet. They're oftentimes very, very vigilant for any signs that their partner might be lying or cheating or concealing things. So they're like looking for signs that they're not quite safe.
Signs of Trust Issues
And also, another sign of trust issues—people with trust issues are—since they're always kind of like simmering in this broth of ambient anxiety or feelings of insecurity about their relationship—because of that sort of inner emotional state, they often have a lot of just like general insecurity. So if they don't have a great deal of overt reassurance and signs that they are loved and cherished, they will start to feel scared that they're not that important, that they're not loved, and that means that sooner or later they will be rejected or hurt. So it's not just a vigilance for like, signs of lying or cheating, it's also this—in the absence of really like being lavished with love and attention and affection, they fear that they aren't loved. So like neutral things can lead them to feel a lot of anxiety and to be kind of reactive, even when nothing is happening.
So it's as you can imagine a really hard situation for both people, you know, someone with trust issues is really feeling worried a lot of the time. And because this anxiety makes them feel so reactive in relationships, it can create a lot of stress and strain and pressure on the relationship and, you know, lead to damaging the relationship over time. So it's super important to be aware of any trust issues that we are carrying around. And also really learn how to overcome trust issues because if you don't, the trust issues themselves will begin to create problems in a relationship, and then you'll really have something to worry about. So we need to understand trust issues.
And so, you know, what I often see in my work as a, you know—in Growing Self I do marriage counseling, couples counseling, relationship coaching, also dating coaching, but additionally, like individual therapy, life coaching, and I have had trust issue conversations in the context of all of these different situations. But particularly in couples work, if one person in a relationship has trust issues, and they are, you know, doing that hyper vigilant thing where they're like looking for signs that the other person is hiding things or lying or not being completely honest, or if they are really like needing these over-the-top-expressions of love and adoration, and without that they feel worried that they're not loved.
What that does, and I say this with love and respect, but understandably, because people feel upset and anxious, they can become sometimes really demanding of their partners, for their partners to do certain things or say certain things or “treat them a certain way so that they feel less anxious,” or if they're not, you know, talking about it, they can just go into this really like sad place and really feel bad and jump to a lot of negative conclusions about the relationship when they're not getting what they feel they need to manage their anxiety. And then they start to withdraw from the relationship assuming that a breakup is right around the corner.
Trust Issues in a Relationship
And so as you can imagine, either of these things becomes really exhausting for the partner of someone with trust issues. It leads to that partner feeling like they're always walking on eggshells, or feeling like their partner is always upset with them, or finding them lacking, or not loving them the right way, or that their partner doesn't respect them enough to trust them, that their partner doesn't think well enough of them to trust them, or doubts their character. And that feels really bad, you know, to the person who is in a relationship with someone who has trust issues. And again, this kind of dynamic can really damage a relationship and, you know, paradoxically create the situation that the person with the trust issues is most worried about, which is that over time, their partner will begin to view them as being unreasonably needy or demanding, and will in fact withdraw from the relationship or start to feel ambivalent about the relationship, which of course, as you can imagine, sends someone who has trust issues anyway through the roof with anxiety because they can see that their partner is maybe concealing things or withdrawing or feeling a little bit more ambivalent.
I'm not saying this to be scary, I'm saying this to be real and to help create an understanding of why it is so important to be taking responsibility for trust issues that we are carrying around with us. And to do something about it, we can't just like, you know, hope it gets better. This is not one of these things that just kind of gets better over time. We really need to be like working on it intentionally in order to make a change. And the other thing that I routinely see as a marriage counselor or relationship coach is that people with trust issues, they often as we discussed, feel sort of suspicious of their partner, and have a tendency to jump to negative conclusions about their partner's motivations or things their partner is doing or how their partner feels.
And because it's sort of fear-fueled, they feel that those things are true because they feel afraid. And what that fear does is it leads to this kind of heightened emotionality where people with trust issues will also often become quite like accusatory, attacking, you know, like kind of ambushing their partner with like, “what about this thing?” And really, you know, like demanding answers, demanding information, demanding explanations, and because their fears are not really reality based, it turns into this thing where nothing their partner says or does will quell this anxiety, or at least not for long, like even if they say, “Yes, I was with Tim. Here is a text from—here's a screenshot of my text with Tim.” Or you know, whatever it is that the person is wanting more information about like, it might soothe anxiety in that moment, but because that anxiety is kind of bubbling around inside of them all the time, it's kind of like that whack-a-mole thing. Like, it'll come up in a different situation where they will again be potentially accusatory or attacking or suspicious.
And, you know, if you're in a relationship with someone who is routinely accusing you of various nefarious things, various nefarious, I can't believe I just said those two words next to each other, but I did. You were here. Anyway, but nefarious things. You know, if you're in a relationship with someone who is accusing you of—kind of all the time of bad things being partnered with someone who has unresolved trust issues. So, you know, over time, what happens in couples is that there's this emerging sense of, you know, it will lead to a relational dynamic where you actually do start hiding or concealing things from your partner because you feel like it will upset them. So whatever it is, so it's better that they don't know.
And also, if you are in a relationship with someone who has major trust issues, and is always thinking bad things about you, you aren't going to feel loved or respected, or trusted, or that they hold you in high esteem. And the relationship will stop feeling emotionally safe for you as a result. And so again, you do see that withdrawal, and ambivalence start to happen because of being partnered with someone who has unresolved trust issues. So, you know, over time, what happens in couples is that there's this emerging sense of, you know, one partner—the partner with a trust issues—really believes that if only their spouse or their partner would do things differently, or say things differently, or finally provide them with all the information that they need to feel safe, their anxiety would go away, which is not true.
But there's, you know, frantic efforts to try to get those things from, you know, an increasingly tired partner. And the person who is partnered with someone with trust issues will begin over time to feel that their partner with the anxiety is just this, like, black hole of insecurity and anxiety, and no matter what they say or do, it's never going to be enough to touch that inner anxiety. So they stop trying, you know, and then of course, the relationship dynamic intensifies, with the already anxious person even becoming more anxious, and the already kind of detached person who's kind of backing up a little bit will start doing that more explicitly.
So that is a real risk to any relationship you are in. If you are a person who has your little suitcases packed full of trust issues that you're bringing around from one relationship to the next, and if any of what I just shared resonates with you and sounds familiar, it sounds like these trust issues really are impacting your relationship or your relationships, if there's a string of them that have that have, you know, experienced this kind of dynamic. And so it's time to work on them. And I just want to say too that knowledge is power. And I could sort of understand why me being so just like, transparent and honest about like, you know, “Okay, here's the deal,” could feel worrisome and, you know, might make you think, “Oh, geez,” but I would like to just reconceptualize the feeling as motivation for change. You know, anytime people grow and change and do things differently, it is because they are motivated by not wanting to have, you know, the experience that they have been having. Not wanting to feel anxious anymore, not wanting their relationship to be damaged by trust issues. That is fabulous. And we need to be motivated in order to grow. So I'm okay if you're not feeling great about thinking about trust issues in this way because that is the energy that is going to mobilize you and lead to healing and wellness, if you do something productive with it. So we have to be real.
I will also say that therapy for trust issues is very effective provided that you are doing evidence-based therapy with someone who really understands kind of the underpinnings of trust issues and why they happen. I'm going to outline some of this for you so that you can be an educated consumer. But you know, also if you do decide to pursue therapy for trust issues to improve this, as you are interviewing prospective therapists to find the right person, I would encourage you to be asking questions around, you know, “why do you think people have trust issues? What is your process for helping someone overcome trust issues?” And if whatever therapists you are talking to cannot provide you with a coherent answer that makes sense to you, they might not really know how to help you in an organized kind of effective way. So just stick that one in your back pocket.
But to provide you with more information, so you know more about what kinds of questions to ask, and so you can kind of organize what's happening inside of you, you know, for the purpose of changing it. It's important to understand what causes trust issues in the first place. But very briefly and simply, trust issues in relationships are created by relational trauma of some kind. So when I work with clients and in therapy, or in some cases coaching, but it's really more of a therapy thing—when I work with clients in therapy who are seeking to get over trust issues, I find it really helpful to conceptualize their experience as a kind of subclinical PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder, and to set up our conversation here is a very quick and dirty PTSD lesson so you can understand what I mean by this.
Very briefly: whenever we humans live through something that is highly traumatic, we subjectively experience terror. So like this hugely physiological fear response, you've heard of the fight, flight, freeze response. That’s what I’m talking about. And it is evolutionarily adaptive, and our brains basically save us by changing our physiology in the moments when we're going through something that's super traumatic. You know, our heart races, our breathing shallows, our circulatory system changes, our digestive system changes, our immune system changes, and it's all response of, you know, our body's way of like, saving your life in that terrifying, dangerous moment. And when we are put in this physiological space, it changes the way our brains work.
And here's the punchline, it changes the way that our brains encode the memories of the traumatic events. When you have experienced a trauma you will not remember it as a normal memory, you know, like, birthday party, junior high dance, like, high school graduation, it is not that kind of memory. It is a traumatic memory. It lives in a totally different part of your brain than normal memories do. And it sort of like lives there and hangs out. And whenever someone who has been traumatized is exposed to anything that is similar to that past like life threatening experience, this huge traumatic stress response will be triggered, and they will essentially re-experience the terror and the horror and the paralysis of the original traumatic experience. And so, then what happens is that people who have this like intrusive flooding, terror, re-experiencing thing start working really hard to avoid that triggering and not re-experiencing because it's horrible.
So the classic example would be, you know, the combat vet who comes back from Iraq or something, and you know, almost died and had people around him die and will hear a car backfire down the street and like disassociate into this like state where they're completely flooded and like, you know, having big flashbacks, and so that happens periodically to this vet, so that vet, you know, quite understandably develop a very serious substance use disorder in efforts to anesthetize themselves and protect themselves from having that experience, which you know, is—serves them well in one respect, but of course, it creates serious consequences and another. A sexual assault survivor, same thing you know, in a sexually intimate situation he or she can re-experience all this kind of flooding intrusive thoughts, feelings of terror, have nightmares about it, which leads them to avoid, you know, situations of sexual intimacy or develop substance use disorders that are kind of compensatory. So that's my little PTSD mini lesson.
And I also just want to say very, very explicitly, I, while I am a licensed psychologist, I am a licensed marriage and family therapist, I do not specialize or treat Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and no one in our practice here at Growing Self specializes in this particular disorder. So if you have lived through a, you know, life endangering experience, or you know, saw someone else being victimized violently, and if you listen to my little description, and you know, think, “Yeah, I might actually have that post traumatic stress disorder.” You require specialized trauma-focused therapy with someone who has significant training and experience and specialization in those disorders. That is not what I do.
There are people out there who do that type of work, it's wonderful work. So I just wanted to mention that because if you've lived through that, and you're experiencing symptoms of like, ‘capital T’ trauma, post traumatic stress disorder, you can absolutely heal, and you deserve to have effective treatment. So look for evidence-based forms of trauma informed cognitive behavioral therapy. There is experiential reprocessing kinds of therapies that work. There's some evidence to support a type of work called EMDR. And so I would look for those. So that was my little public service announcement to just, you know, educate you around things and what you might look for if you want to seek treatment for that, or if you know, somebody who does require treatment for that sort of thing. But again, that is not what I do. And that is not what this podcast is about.
However, I wanted to talk about the “big T” trauma, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder response because it's relevant. There is also “little T” trauma. There are difficult, unpleasant life experiences that we live through that also leave a stain on us emotionally and psychologically unless and until we deliberately resolve them. And I believe that relational trauma falls into this category and can have a similar impact on people as full blown PTSD, but not nearly to the degree of PTSD. But in some ways it is sort of similar. So going through a terrible breakup, or being in a relationship with someone who betrayed you, or cheated on you, or abandoned you can create this relational trauma. I think that “little T” relational trauma is super common and this is something that I often work with, and that we often see here with our clients at Growing Self. People who have sustained “little t” relational trauma, and that trauma shows up as—wait for it—trust issues in relationships. They have lived through something hard and scary. And they went through this experience, and now, when they are in slightly similar relational situations, they are experiencing this similar type of triggering, and flooding, and anxiety that needs to be soothed and resolved. And so it can lead to, you know, hypervigilance, safety seeking, which in the context of relationships is always, you know, demanding information or evidence. But you know, it's related.
Now, another really important thing for us to be considering is to also, and again, this is so far beyond the scope of a podcast, but in my efforts to be like fully just real and transparent and honest with you, I also want to fully inform you, and so to talk about this other aspect of trust issues I think is important. When I am meeting with someone who shows up or a couple where I can see that trust issues are impacting relationship negatively, a big part of my process is to do a really careful assessment to understand like why this makes sense. And also just sort of get a sense of where this is coming from.
Now, you may have also heard me talk on past podcasts about something called attachment styles. So briefly—attachment styles are very general ways of relating to others that we developed often through our early life experiences, either in our family of origin or in, you know, childhood or preteen kind of social or romantic experiences can also impact attachment styles. And most people are generally secure, meaning that they tend to think well of themselves and others, and generally trust people unless they have a reason not to. And, I will also just say that even someone with a very secure attachment, who comes from a perfectly lovely family with good enough parents, and nothing bad ever happened to them, they can also become anxious in relationships or even avoidant in relationships, depending on what's going on in the relationship itself. So there's no, you know, even securely attached people can exhibit some of the other stuff that I'm going to talk about.
But for people who had, you know, significant relational trauma early in life, like, you know, really inconsistent parenting, or parents they couldn't totally trust, parents who weren't emotionally safe, maybe not physically abusive, verbally, or emotionally abusive, or parents who are rejecting, or maybe addicted to substances that, you know, impaired them—having these kinds of early life experiences can lead someone to have an anxious attachment style, where they anticipate rejection, they anticipate not being able to trust people, and it's not like a conscious thing, it's sort of just like a baked in feeling that they can't trust people. And people with an anxious attachment style often need a lot of reassurance and feel insecure and doubtful of their romantic partners. So it can look like somebody having trust issues can actually be an anxious attachment style, which needs to be handled differently in therapy.
So that's why it's important to think about—or, you know, another attachment style that is also relatively common is if people have had experiences with, you know, caregivers early on that weren't safe, that they felt like they needed to protect themselves from or were failed by over and over again, they may develop an avoidant attachment style where they become kind of super critical and rejecting of other people, and they don't really trust anyone enough to get close to them. Sort of this, “I don't need you, I don't need anybody,” kind of emotional space, which can also really impact relationships.
Again, totally beyond the scope of this one particular podcast, but an important variable to consider. I would, if you'd like more on this subject, would refer you back to the blog at growingself.com. You can go to that search bar on the blog page, type in the word ‘attachment’ and you will see past podcasts I've done specifically on the subject of attachment styles, as well as a number of articles that I have had colleagues write on the site of growingself.com. There are also marriage and family therapists just to provide insight into attachment styles and how they can impact you and what to do to manage them. If you are not secure—but again, healthy, securely attached people will become or appear avoidant or anxious in certain relational situations, certainly in conflictual relationships. And in relational dynamics, like the ones I was talking about at the beginning of this episode, you know, a perfectly secure person who is in a relationship with a very anxious person who has a lot of trust issues, or even an anxious attachment style, will over time become increasingly avoidant in efforts to protect themselves. Also, you can take a perfectly secure person and put them in a relationship with someone who is really critical and avoidant and rejecting and they will very predictably become anxious in response. So these things are fluid and dependent on what's happening in the relationship too. So it's never that simple. Never that simple in my field, is it?
Anyway, so it is important to think about where these trust issues are coming from. And also, I always like to kind of come at this with the primary orientation of, and how does this make sense. You know, again, even if you weren't, you know, in a family where you developed compensatory attachment styles to survive, but have simply lived through difficult life experiences, have had relational trauma with past romantic partners, somebody who hurt you, or betrayed you. I mean, if you were in a relationship with someone who cheated on you, or turned out to be a sociopath, it is totally normal that you would feel anxious and afraid the next time you're in a relationship with a new person, even if he or she has done absolutely nothing wrong because you've lived through something that was really, really scary and very real.
And so that fear, and that ‘little T’ trauma response is absolutely valid. It is normal, it is expected, and it doesn't mean that you're a bad person, or that you've done anything wrong because you're having that experience. It's just like your body's emotional guidance system saying this happened, and that you need a process of healing and recovery in order to feel safe in your relationships again. But I think it's important to keep these things in mind because, again, unless you have a lot of self-awareness and can like, say, “Oh, I am getting triggered right now. This is a trauma trigger.” It can be easy to, like, point to things that are happening or not happening in your relationship as being the source of your anxiety as opposed to having that self-aware understanding of, “Oh, this is my trauma trigger that's happening right now.” And without that self-awareness, it's really easy to go into that space of vigilance and suspiciousness and being attacking, or really needing like a ton of reassurance in order to feel safe, and over time, that will hurt your relationship.
So, again, I hope that that just provides a foundation of understanding. And again, if you are in a relationship where patently bad things have happened, and your trust has been broken—if you're in a relationship or your partner had an affair, or there's financial infidelity, substance use, it requires a different healing process. But, if you have, or are, you know, over the course of our conversation recognizing that you are having trust issues that are related to traumas of relational traumas in past relationships—that is something that you will need to take responsibility for and do something about in order to overcome them. And the reason again why this is important and is hard is because when we are experiencing a really intense, emotional experience to say—let's see how many times I can use the word experience in one sentence. When we're having a really intense emotional experience, particularly if it's a fearful or anxious emotion, we will feel scared, and we will look around, we will scan our environment for things that support that fear, and you will always find them. If you are feeling anxious and scared, you will always find them.
I mean, think about it. You know, I have worked with people who had trust issues and had relational anxiety and it could be literally something like, “He didn't put the cereal box away. I wonder why he didn't put the cereal box away. He must have been distracted. Why was he distracted? Was he texting with someone? Is that why he didn’t put the cereal away? Was he messaging someone on Facebook? Maybe it was just thinking about her? Who was he messaging? Who would he message? That pretty girl he went to high school with? The one—I saw her she liked the photo that he posted about our vacation. Oh my god, what if she's been sending him her vacation photos? And I bet there's pictures of her in a bikini and she's probably liking them.” And then this, you know, the person with anxiety, is showing us full lot of anxiety and can easily spend like the next three hours ruminating and feeling so anxious and like coming up with all these different scenarios in their head. And then their boyfriend or husband or whatever walks in the door four hours later, and it's like, “Were you going to tell me about Kimberly?” You know, and this person's like, “What is going— what did I just walk into?”
But there are just these very well developed ideas that have bloomed inside of her head about all these things that could be happening that were you know, triggered by a cereal box not getting put away. And then it turns into, you know, this back and forth like, “Who's Kimberly? I don't know a Kimberly.” And then the person with anxiety is like, “Don't lie. Kimberly is the woman that you went to Facebook or went to high school with that you’re Facebook friends with. You've been messaging with her,” and like, “No, I haven't.” And then you could say, “I saw her like your vacation photo, you're totally lying to me right now.”
I mean, you know, some people are like nodding their heads in recognition of arguments that may have happened at their house. And I know it seems kind of funny when you talk about it sort of out of context like this, but this is the sort of thing that trust issues and relationships can easily turn into if you're not really conscious of the impact of fear on you, and how it makes you think, and how it makes you feel, and what it makes you do. And that is honestly the first step. Because, you know, what we're talking about this people are always like, “Okay, well, how do I get over trust issues? What do I do to overcome my trust issues?” And what's important to know is that while the first key step in healing trust issues is understanding what's going on inside of them, and having that self-awareness, and also having compassion for themselves because, you know, the people with trust issues have experienced relational trauma, it's helpful to understand that their their feelings are very real, they're happening for a reason. But those feelings are not in alignment with their current life experience. They are out of proportion to what is happening in objective reality. And that right there is really, really hard.
How to Fix Trust Issues
I will spend weeks with a client, months with a client, on that one thing, you know, “Is this out of proportion to my experience? Or is something actually scary happening right now that I should be worried about?” People with trust issues have a very difficult time differentiating whether or not they're safe in relationships because even if there's no evidence that they're not safe, it is so easy for their traumatized minds to say, “Well, but, what about this?” or, “Maybe I just don't know yet.” And also the fact that they feel unsafe, even if there's nothing bad happening, and this is really difficult to unwind if someone has been in a relationship where there was relational trauma in the past, and that there were periods in that relationship that felt very safe for them. So like, you know, somebody say, “I never suspected anything with my ex-boyfriend, either. He was so wonderful and so loving and communicative and affectionate. And then one day he drained my bank account and vanished. But before that he was perfect, too.” So then when they're in a relationship with someone who is perfectly nice, that in itself can feel like a trauma trigger because their abusive, horrible ex was also very nice sometimes, too.
And so this is why it's really, really important to get into good therapy for trust issues, evidence-based therapy for trust issues, like CBT can help you figure out what part of your fears and worries are coming from inside of you that are related to relational trauma. What is that “little T” relational trauma response doing, and differentiating that from what is a valid concern about something happening in your relationship that you should be talking about with your partner. People who have been traumatized in relationships have a lot of trouble figuring that out, and that is a core skill that must be achieved is figuring out how to like manage anxiety and stay in a good place, and figure out what is actually a problem vs. what is my trauma response? And also, how do I manage my feelings of anxiety independently of whether or not my partner is doing something or saying something the way that I imagined would make me feel better? Because that's a really important piece of this puzzle too. So that clarity is super vital. And so individual therapy for trust issues is definitely important.
And I will also say that it can also be super helpful to do couples counseling or relationship coaching if you have trust issues, and it is not a couples therapy to try to make your partner say or do all the things so that you don't feel anxious anymore because no one else can change the way you feel on the inside except for you. And so if you are, if you're like, “But what if he did this, I might feel better.” You possibly temporarily you would feel better, but really, that's like you have to take responsibility for the anxiety first. And so if you are currently attempting to manage your anxiety by controlling your partner's behaviors, I would encourage you to listen to a podcast that I recently did about codependence and relationships. And you can find out more on that topic again, on the blog at growingself.com. Type ‘codependence’ into the search bar and you'll see articles to help understand why, what I'm talking about there.
But, so—while you should manage your expectations that couples therapy isn't going to get your partner to change so that you don't feel anxious anymore, what it can do is help both you and your partner understand together what happens for you on the inside when you feel scared, and why that makes sense based on your life experiences. And by talking about this openly with your partner in a safe space, your partner can begin to have more empathy for what you're going through because it really is hard, and it is very, very real. But they can have more empathy for you in these moments. And they can also stop taking your anxiety personally and like as a statement that you're upset with them, you know, and that can help them stay emotionally closer to you instead of withdrawing. And also good couples therapy can help you two figure out ways of turning towards each other in these moments. And so I would recommend what—and being able to turn towards each other and connect and really like feel loved and supported and connected in these moments when you're feeling scared can be enormously soothing. You know, there's a real benefit to secure attachment with someone who loves you. And to be—to feel scared and be able to say to someone, “I feel really scared right now,” and have them be appropriately responsive to you, give you a hug, tell you they love you can be enormously soothing, you know, so that could be really, really helpful.
And so to find a good marriage counselor to help you with that, I would recommend looking for a marriage counselor or a couple therapist, again, who understands relational trauma, and who practices either The Gottman Method of marriage counseling or emotionally-focused couples therapy, those are both evidence-based forms of couples counseling that can be really effective for this kind of thing. So that can help your relationship. And also a side benefit is by talking about these things openly in couples therapy, your partner will also I think feel encouraged to be understanding what's happening and also see you be taking responsibility for the anxious responses that you're having in certain situations, and see the work that you're doing to change that, you know, particularly if you're working with a therapist who's encouraging you to take responsibility for those moments, to manage your anxiety, and to provide you with accountability for doing that. And also working with you to develop solid cognitive and behavioral strategies for managing that anxiety. That can be really helpful and healing for your relationship too.
So, you know, what those specific cognitive behavioral therapy strategies are is obviously, again, beyond the scope of any podcast. It is not a here's, you know, three quick tips to totally overcome all of the historical trust issues that you have for a reason, like there's nothing I'm going to say in this podcast, you're like, “Oh, I feel better now.” But to go through a process of evidence-based cognitive behavioral therapy with someone who understands relational trauma will help you understand what's happening inside of yourself, and help you develop both cognitive and behavioral strategies for soothing yourself and manage your anxiety in those moments. So that not just you know, you feel better, but also that you are more in control of what you're doing in your relationship so that you're not, you know, inadvertently behaving in ways that are damaging to your relationship as a result of your anxiety. So, you know, again, I would recommend looking for a therapist who does evidence-based therapy, who understands relational trauma.
Other resources for you—there are online CBT courses which if you don't feel quite up for, you know, therapy with a person, which honestly, in this situation, I would really encourage because when you've been traumatized in a relationship, and when you're carrying around these kinds of trust issues, it can be really difficult to kind of gain that self-awareness that you need. And also like the feedback, you know, the perspective to figure out when you're safe and when you're not safe, and sort of make sense of the past experiences vs. make sense of the present experiences, so certainly online CBT courses, like, you know, the happiness class that we have here at growingself.com can provide a foundation of some of those specific CBT skills. They're not going to be specific to resolving trust issues, and that type of work—again, just to set your expectations—it’s a process I mean, you know, progress is usually measured in months, sometimes longer when you're doing therapy for trust issue because there's a lot of kind of unwinding, and figuring out what happened, and reprocessing of trauma, learning how to manage anxiety, learning what your triggers are, learning how to appropriately kind of turn towards your partner in those moments, and also to have like a sounding board for, you know, to have somebody who knows you and cares about you. So you can come into our sessions and say, “My husband didn't put this cereal away. Do you think he's having an affair with Kimberly?” And your therapist will be like, “Let's break that down a little bit,” as opposed to, you know, these automatic assumptions and associations that can very easily happen when you have trust issues.
So, you know, to have somebody just to bounce things off or, you know, to be able to say, “Yeah, you know, he's been coming home really late a lot and he isn't returning my calls. And I went past his work and he said he was going to be at work and he wasn't there. And then he told me that he, you know, had a flat tire on the way home.” And you know, for therapists to be like, “Yeah, that actually sounds like something that we should probably figure out. I'm glad we're talking about this.” You know, so just figuring out like when—that we need to listen to anxiety vs. when it is an artifact of old relational trauma.
Anyway, there's a lot of information here in this podcast. As always, I hope I didn't overwhelm you. But I also hope that me kind of just being super honest with you, and going into depth about all the different things to think about when it comes to resolving trust issues helps you, you know, understand the cause of trust issues, what you can do to overcome trust issues, and also provides you with that motivation and kind of direction for your next steps. You know, if this is the thing for you, and you want to change it, with the goal being to create a situation where you feel more secure and confident in your relationships because you deserve that. And also, so that you can create really healthy and enduring relationships with people who, you know, deserve to be loved and respected by you, too. So I hope this helps and I will be back in touch with you soon for another episode of the Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast. Bye-bye.
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