What to Do When Your Partner Has a Problem.

What to Do When Your Partner Has a Problem.

What to Do When Your Partner Has a Problem.

Can You Help Someone Who Won’t Help Themselves?

What to Do When Your Partner Has a Problem.

Does Your Partner Have a Problem?

It is agonizing to be in a relationship with someone you love very much, but who has a serious — and untreated — problem. If your partner is struggling with something like depression, anxiety, alcoholism, drug addiction, pornography addiction, ADHD or PTSD it can wreak absolute havoc in your relationship, not to mention make you (both) miserable. And it can be hard to tell when “being supportive” slides into “being codependent.” If the problem has been going on for a long time, it may even make you question whether you should continue to support and help your partner… or whether it’s time to cut your losses and end the relationship.

This topic has been on my mind lately, as I’ve recently had a number of listeners of my Love, Happiness and Success Podcast ask me these questions:

  • How do I help my partner who is depressed (or anxious / ADHD / addicted to something) and refuses to get help?
  • What are signs your partner will get their act together, and what are signs you should break up?
  • How do I help my husband who is suffering from PTSD, and won’t talk to anyone?
  • How many chances should I give my alcoholic / addicted partner?
  • I promised, “For better or for worse,” but it wrong of me to bail on this marriage if my spouse is not holding up their end of the bargain?
  • Is my boyfriend ever going to be cured of his pornography addiction?
  • Should I feel guilty for ending this relationship, even if I feel like I need to save myself?

These are big, serious questions. But you, my dear listener, told me this is what is important to you… and I’m listening to you. We’re going there on this episode of the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast. I hope that this discussion helps you find your way through this dark time, and back into clarity and inner peace.

All the best to you,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

 

 

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What To Do When Your Partner Has a Problem

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

Music Credits: Lorelle Meets The Obsolete, with “Waitin’ For The Orange Sunshine”

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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

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Relationship Advice From a Divorce Lawyer

Relationship Advice From a Divorce Lawyer

Relationship Advice From a Divorce Lawyer

How to Stop a Divorce… And Have a Happy, Healthy Marriage

As a marriage counselor, couples therapist and premarital counselor I’ve had a few interesting observations about January. Two types of couples tend to show up: Sparkly-eyed premarital couples who got engaged over the holidays and how are eager for premarital counseling to set their marriages up for success, and…. couples who are on the absolute brink of divorce.

The latter are often couples who did NOT do meaningful premarital counseling, and who have had hurts, resentments, and issues simmering underneath the surface for a long time. They’ve often put off getting real relationship help for years, until it’s turned into a full-blown relationship crisis, and someone files for divorce. It’s true: divorce filings spike in January. There are many reasons for the rationale behind the timing. Holiday stress can certainly be one, but in my experience as a marriage counselor and couples therapist, a more common reason that people file for divorce in January is the simple fact that they’ve been keeping a lid on things until after the holidays are over, and are eager to start a new chapter of their live that coincides with the new year.

Whether you’re reading this with the intention of learning how to prevent a divorce and keep your marriage strong, or possibly looking for advice for how to stop a divorce and save your marriage — I’ve got you covered!

How to Keep Your Relationship Strong, and Prevent a Divorce

On this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I have a special gift for both premarital couples AND couples on the brink of divorce: A special interview with Jim Sexton, author of “How to Stay in Love.” Jim has a unique perspective — he has spent years working as a divorce lawyer and has sat with countless couples who are in the process of ending their marriage. Through these experiences he gained insight into the biggest mistakes couples can make, the most important things you can do to prevent a divorce, and key things that couples can do to keep their relationship healthy and strong.

Relationship Advice For Premarital Couples: If you’re a premarital couple getting ready for the adventure of marriage, I hope you listen and get some great, practical advice for how to prevent future problems.

Relationship Advice For Couples In Crisis: If you are considering divorce, or trying to stop a divorce, I also hope you listen. Gaining new understanding of why couples get divorced can give you a roadmap for healing in your relationship.

And saving a marriage from divorce is possible. I’ve seen it! While divorce can seem like “the final solution” to relationship problems that couples don’t know how else to solve, sometimes one person threatening (or even filing for) divorce can be a powerful opportunity to create real and lasting positive change in your marriage. Saying “I want a divorce” can mean “I am so hurt and angry and I don’t know how else to make this better.” Understanding that for what it is, a statement of pain and a plea for understanding, can launch a new era of compassion and connection in a relationship. This podcast (and some of the other resources I share within) can help you repair your marriage.

Relationship Advice From a Divorce Lawyer

Listen and learn:

  • Things premarital couples should consider prior to marriage that will help lessen the chances of future divorce
  • The subtle “fork in the road” moments that many couples miss that will lead towards increased connection… or increased disconnection
  • The crucial conversations every premarital (and married) couple should have
  • Why marriages end, and simple, daily things you can do to keep YOUR marriage healthy and strong
  • Specific things you can do to pull your relationship back from the brink
  • How to protect your relationship from an affair (especially a “Facebook affair.”)
  • If you must get divorced, how to go about it in the best way possible

 

I hope this episode helps you understand your marriage in a new way, and provides some direction for how to keep it healthy and strong.

All the best,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

PS: In addition to speaking with Jim about his wonderful perspective and relationship advice, I mentioned some other resources as well. Here’s a link to a past podcast, “How to Stop a Divorce and Save Your Marriage” with lots of specific tips for what to do if your spouse is moving towards divorce. Also here’s a link to the “How Healthy Is Your Relationship Quiz” I mentioned. This quiz can be a doorway to having meaningful and important conversations with your partner, especially if your relationship has been struggling. — LMB

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Relationship Advice From a Divorce Lawyer

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

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How to Fix a Relationship After a Fight

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How to Fix a Relationship After a Fight

Don’t Break Up. Break Through.

 

How to fix your relationship after a bad fight. All couples fight, sometimes. This is not a bad thing: Conflict can lead to constructive conversations and deeper connection. And… some fights are just toxic and unproductive.

Here at Growing Self we offer a lot of relationship geared towards helping you proactively solve problems, avoid conflict, turn conflict into connection, and use communication skills to have productive conflict… but that doesn’t always happen. Sometimes, couples just have a terrible fight where they both say mean things to each other and feel like they damaged their relationship in the process.

Has this just happened in your relationship? Have you just had a nasty fight, and now you’re looking for help to get your relationship back on track? 

You’re in the right place: Real help for your relationship is here. Read on for actionable tips, PLUS a video, a quiz, and even a podcast — all here to help you mend your relationship. 

Fix Your Relationship After a Fight

First of all, if you’re actively looking for help to fix your relationship after a fight, that in itself is a great sign. It means that you care enough about your relationship to work on it, and to put your time, energy and effort into healing after a fight.

As a marriage counselor and couples therapist, I work with couples all the time who are concerned about the level of fighting in their relationship and want to heal their bond. Here are some of my top tips for how to not just fix your relationship after a fight — as in a “Let’s slap a band-aid on this and forget it ever happened” — but really and truly, use the experience you both had to move forward and develop the amazing relationship you both want and deserve.

5 Tips To Repair Your Bond After a Fight

Here’s some from the heart advice from a professional marriage counselor to help you fix your relationship after a fight, and use this as an opportunity to start a new chapter of growth and closeness in your relationship.

  1. Do not catastrophize. If you’ve just had a bad fight, you might be feeling worried about your relationship, wondering if you’re compatible, or even if this is the beginning of the end. Let’s stop: All couples fight. If you get too worried about the fight itself, it might lead you to withdraw emotionally and that’s never helpful. Here’s a reframe: : Fighting is actually a good sign — it means that you both still care enough to tangle with each other, try to be understood, and attempt to create change in your relationship. When couples are really in trouble, like on the brink of divorce, fighting often stops. People have given up. (More on this: “How to Stop a Divorce and Save Your Marriage.” But not you two! You are still fighting for your relationship.
  2. Take a break. Do NOT try to fix your relationship after a fight in the heat of the moment. Really. Neither of you are thinking clearly, and it’s best to let it go until you can both calm down. Leave it until the morning, or go take a walk, and don’t even try to repair your relationship until you’re really and truly feeling calm. How will you know that you’ve calmed down enough to mend things? When you can shift gears from your perspective to theirs. (Listen to the podcast below for a much more detailed explanation of this!)
  3. Remember: fighting happens because people are trying to be heard and understood… but feeling invalidated by their partner. The quickest and most effective way to repair your relationship after a fight is to — deep breath here — let go of your agenda for a little while, and put your energy into understanding your partners feelings, hopes, desires and perspective. Hard? Yes. Effective? Double-yes. This doesn’t mean that you need to agree with or acquiesce to their feelings (at the expense of yours), but when you listen with the intention of understanding it immediately calms conflict and starts rebuilding trust, empathy and compassion.
  4. Don’t be afraid to apologize. It’s not unusual at all for people to say or do really regrettable things in the heat of the moment. Yelling, stomping, slamming doors, even name calling. When you get flooded with emotion it really does turn off the part of your brain that is thoughtful, articulate and can anticipate cause-and-effect. Basically, when you get angry it unleashes your inner toddler who does a smash-and-grab job on the emotional safety of your relationship. (Or one who “punishes” by silence, rejection or weird passive-aggressive things which is not cool either). We all have the potential to do this. It can be tempting to reach for blame in these moments (i.e., “Well I only burned the toast to teach him how it feels to be uncared for,” etc) but that just perpetuates disconnection. Instead, try saying, “I didn’t behave well during our fight and I’m sorry for that. You deserve to be treated with respect no matter how upset I get and I’ll try better next time.”
  5. Use this as an opportunity to learn and grow. Fighting in a relationship can actually be extremely productive and helpful when it results in couples talking about important things they don’t usually talk about, learning new things about each other, and finding new solutions to old problems. Relationships stagnate when people walk around holding in their feelings, not wanting to rock the boat, or doing anything that will upset the other. While this sounds virtuous and noble, it’s actually a recipe for resentment and growing disconnection. Healthy, strong couples talk about things that bother them and work together to find solutions that feel better for both of them. Is having a drag-out fight the very best way to do this? Well, no, BUT even the worst fight can be the doorway to creating new understanding and solutions in your relationship IF you’re willing to listen to each other, acknowledge the validity of each other’s perspective, and agree that you both deserve to feel loved and respected in this relationship. You do!

Relationship Resources To Help You Heal and Grow, Together

I hope that those tips help you fix your relationship after a fight. Ideally, if you take this relationship advice to heart you’ll not just repair your relationship after this one fight, but you’ll head off the next fight before it starts! Now, that said: Sometimes, couples can fall into negative cycles of interaction where fighting, negativity, resentment and bad feelings have been growing for a while. If that is the case, you might find that it’s a lot harder to bounce back after an EPIC fight because of all the water under the bridge previously.

There is still hope, and there is still help. Consider enlisting the support of an expert marriage counselor or couples therapist to help you set aside your differences so that you can address the deeper issues in your relationship and reconnect with your compassion and love for each other. Having a great couples therapist or relationship coach can help you have constructive conflict that grows your relationship (rather than negative, unproductive conflict that destroys it).

If you’d like to get started with positive, effective, and evidence based couples therapy, marriage counseling or relationship coaching we invite you to schedule a free consultation with one of the amazing therapists and coaches on the team here at Growing Self.

Wishing all the best for you both,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

PS: Because SO many couples start looking for resources, relationship advice,  and start looking for ways to fix their relationship after a big fight, I have even MORE resources for you. Please check out the podcast  (and video) that I recorded on this topic, just to help you in this moment. (Both are available below). I know it feels like a crisis right now, but trust me — this can be the start of an amazing new chapter in your relationship. Your partner in growth, LMB

Listen & Subscribe to the Podcast

How to Fix Your Relationship After a Fight

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

Music Credit: Derek Clegg, “Hanging By a String

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Please Rate, Review & share the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

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How to Fix Your Relationship After A Fight

Prefer video? Watch the podcast!

Click for more of Dr. Bobby’s Love, Happiness & Success Advice on YouTube

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

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What to Do When Your Partner Has a Problem.

What to Do When Your Partner Has a Problem.

Are you in a relationship with someone who is struggling, but won’t get help? Relationship advice for how to balance being supportive while also setting healthy boundaries for yourself, on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.

How to Connect With Your Partner

How to Connect With Your Partner

How to Connect With Your Partner

Strengthen Your Bond: Turning Towards Each Other, Instead of Away

Are you missing opportunities to connect with your partner? Do you feel your relationship could use an emotional connection spark? It is common for partners to go through waves of feeling more or less connected during the span of a relationship. As a couples therapist and marriage counselor, I often hear from my couples that they don’t feel as connected as they used to. They talk about feeling like roommates more than feeling like a partner.

What if I told you there is a simple way to remain connected throughout the ups and downs of your relationship? Something that you or your partner are probably already doing, but not paying close attention to? Would you want to the simple way to stay connected? Of course you would! A simple way to feel connected with your partner is what we in the therapy world call “bids for attention.”

Marriage and Family Therapy researcher Dr. John Gottman (founder of “The Gottman Method” of marriage counseling) is well-known for his contribution in the couples counseling world. He’s known for studying and observing premarital couples and newlyweds, to long-term couples years later, in order to find what keeps couples married and what leads to divorce. [Check out: How to Stop a Divorce, and Save Your Marriage].

One of Dr. Gottman’s studies found that couples who remained married after 6 years together, recognized bids for attention and turned towards their partner 86% of the time. Couples who divorced after 6 years turned towards each other only 33% of the time. So I guess the question is, do you fall closer to 86% or 33%? In order to answer this question, you probably need more information about what bids for attention are, and how you can respond to them. Let’s talk about them!

What Are “Bids For Attention?”

Bids for attention are much more than questions or statements made by our partner. Bids for attention are attempts to connect with our partner when we are seeking attention, affirmation, or affection. A bid for attention is a way of saying “please pay attention to me”, “please talk with me”, “please lay with me”, or “please help me de-stress after the day I’ve had”, without actually asking explicitly.

I know what you might be thinking, shouldn’t our partner just tell us they want to talk about something or lay together? Am I really supposed to just know what my partner needs? Those are great questions! While explicitly asking your partner for something in order to meet your needs is important, bids for attention are just as important. Bids for attention aren’t intentionally asking your partner to read between the lines, they are the ways we reach out for connection that are less vulnerable than saying “I need you, please talk with me.” [Read: Vulnerability- The Biggest Risk, and Greatest Reward]

How to Spot Bids For Attention

The secret to recognizing your partner’s bids, is to read the subtext underneath what your partner is actually saying. This requires paying attention to not only your partner, but also yourself and your responses. Here are some examples:

Bid for Attention vs. What Your Partner is Needing

“There was so much traffic on my drive home.” Really means, “I want to chat with you.

“I ran into Rachel at the store today.” Really means, “I want you to hear about my day.

“Will you watch this movie with me?” Really means, “Can we spend time together?”

“How was dinner tonight?” Really means, “I want your affirmation that you liked the dinner I made for you.

“I need a hug after today.” Really means, “Can I have your affection?”

“Wow, check out the sunset!” Really means, “Can I have your attention?

These are just a few examples of what your partner may really be asking for when they mention something about their day, ask to do something, or ask for you attention.

How To Respond to Bids For Attention

You can respond to a bid in three ways.

First, you can “turn away”, meaning ignoring or not recognizing the bid completely. This is the most hurtful response, as it tells your partner that you are not interested, and it shuts down connection altogether.

Another way to respond is by “turning against,” which means to reject the bid. While this is not necessarily helpful either, it at least lets your partner know that you’ve recognized their bid, and acknowledges them. It is okay to reject a bid, because we cannot expect our partner to be able to respond 100% of the time.

A positive way to reject a bid is to let your partner know that you’ve heard them, and that you want to check in with them later when you’re up for it. You can simply say, “It sounds like you’ve had a hard day. I really want to hear about it, but I’m not feeling up for it at this moment. Can we wait 30 minutes and then I’ll be ready to give you my attention?” This is still considered rejecting a bid but not as destructive as ignoring it!

The last way you can respond to a bid is by “turning towards” your partner, and meeting the need they are asking for. This lets them know you’ve recognized their bid, you’re acknowledging it, and you’re giving your partner what they’re needing from you in that moment. This is where the connection comes from!

How to Practice Turning Towards Your Partner

Now that we know what bids are, and the different responses to them, let’s talk about how you can practice turning towards.

How do you ask for connection? Both you and your partner should reflect on your own ways of bidding for attention. You
can also share with each other your reflections in order to start recognizing them when they happen. For example, one of the main bids I use is sharing a small piece of my day, which is my way of asking my partner to engage in a conversation with me to connect. It’s helpful to know how you and your partner bid for attention.

Dig a little deeper: Next, practice reading into the subtext of each bid. The next time your partner reaches out to you for anything, think about what they may really be needing or wanting from you? The more you practice, the better you’ll get!

Just remember, bidding for attention is common in relationships, and the best thing we can do for our relationship — and for our partner — is to turn towards them, rather than turn away. Building connection doesn’t always mean big gestures or long talks, it can simply mean recognizing your partner’s needs for connection and meeting them.

The data is clear: Turning towards your partner 86% leads to a long and happy marriage… 33% can spell real trouble for your relationship. I hope that this discussion gave you some ideas about how to increase your connection, and strengthen your relationship.

Your Relationship Questions, Answered

Your Relationship Questions, Answered

Your Relationship Questions, Answered

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

Relationship Help

As a marriage counselor and couples therapist, I know that relationships can be confusing sometimes, and lots of people have relationship questions. We have listeners of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast and readers of our blog get in touch frequently asking questions about how they can connect with their partners, improve their communication, or create positive change in their marriages. (As well as asking questions about how to grow personally, or create positive changes in different areas of their life). But today’s podcast is all about relationships – specifically, your relationship questions.

Your Relationship Questions, Answered.

Today, we’re answering your relationship questions in order to give you some direction, and real help for your relationship. Here are some of the relationship questions I’m answering today:

Ms M asks, “How do I know whether my relationship is worth saving, or if I should let this go and move on?”

Lisa asks: “Should I stay friends with my Ex?”

Mr. T asks: “I’m shutting down with my partner. How do I stop?”

Ms. K asks: “I’m afraid that my boyfriend is emotionally unavailable due to his own issues. What do I do?”

  • We talked about the realities of having a partner with unaddressed emotional issues, and who is not interested in working on themselves. We discussed her points of power, and her opportunities for changing the situation, as well as how to move forward with a partner who is unwilling. Resources mentioned included, What to Do When Your Partner Has a Problem.

Do you have relationship advice for these questioners or personal experiences that you can relate? Perhaps you have your own relationship questions, self-improvement questions, breakup questions, or career questions for an upcoming episode of The Love, Happiness and Success Podcast? If so, please leave them in the comments!

All the best,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Listen & Subscribe to the Podcast

Relationship Advice: Listener's Relationship Questions, Answered

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

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Please rate and review the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

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Let’s  Talk

If you’re looking for guidance about how to handle a specific situation in your relationship, you can have a “Solution Session” with an expert relationship coach to discuss your concerns and get their help in making a plan of action.

If you’re looking to make real and lasting change in your partnership, consider investing in a few months of expert relationship coaching that teaches you both how to have a strong, healthy relationship, and show each other the love and respect you both deserve.

 

 

Meet a Few Of Our Relationship Experts

The marriage counselors, couples therapists and premarital counselors of Growing Self have specialized training and years of experience in helping couples reconnect. We use only evidence based strategies that have been proven by research to help you restore your strong bond, and love your relationship again.

 

 

 

Hunter Tolman

Hunter Tolman

M.S., MFTC

Hunter is a warm, compassionate marriage counselor, couples therapist, and parenting coach who believes in love, and that strong marriages create strong families. He practices Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, which is an evidence-based form of marriage counseling that focuses on helping you create a strong, secure attachment built on trust and empathy.

His gentle, but effective approach can help you open up with each other, and have healing conversations that repair your bond and allow you both to consistently show each other the love and respect you both deserve. Hunter's roots are in Utah, but he is currently based in Colorado. He can serve you as a couples therapist or marriage counselor in Fort Collins, CO and Broomfield, CO, and he provides online marriage counseling & relationship coaching to couples across the US and around the world.

Meagan Terry

Meagan Terry

M.A., LMFT

Meagan Terry is a relationship specialist. She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over nine years of experience in helping couples reconnect, and enjoy each other again. She specializes in Denver marriage counseling, Denver premarital counseling, and online relationship coaching.

Meagan uses effective, evidence based forms of marriage counseling including Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy and The Gottman Method. In addition to working one-on-one with couples, she teaches our Lifetime of Love premarital and relationship class. Meagan is available to meet with you for marriage counseling or couples therapy in Denver, and for relationship coaching and premarital counseling online.

 

Georgiana Spradling

Georgiana Spradling

PhD, MFT

Dr. Georgiana is a couples counselor and relationship coach with a "tough love" style. Her no-nonsense approach and direct feedback can help you get clarity about what's creating issues in your relationship, develop emotional intelligence skills, change the way you interact with each other, and negotiate your differences in order to build bridges to the center.

Dr. Georgiana is a certified coach as well as a licensed as a marriage and family therapist in California but she specializes in online relationship coaching. She divides her time between San Francisco and Buenos Aires. She is fluent in English, Spanish and French.

Anastacia Sams

Anastacia Sams

M.A., N.C.C., LMFT-C

I’m Anastacia Sams: a licensed therapist, life coach, and marriage counselor who is all about helping you create the very best life for yourself and for your relationships. I specialize in a type of evidence-based marriage counseling called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, that helps you rebuild your secure, strong bond.

I’ve been told that my warm, gentle style immediately sets people at ease. Working with me, you’ll feel safe, cared for, and understood. And through that non-judgmental understanding, you will heal, grow, and — most importantly — understand yourself.”

Neha Prabhu

Neha Prabhu

M.S., MFTC

Neha is an open-minded relationship therapist and life coach with an authentic approach. She believes you are the agent of change, and she can help you activate systems that lead to achieving your goals. She is a strength-based and solution-focused therapist and coach in her work with couples and individuals. Neha believes that to experience personal growth, you must build from what works best for you. In her work as a life coach, therapist, and marriage counselor she help clients to understand their identity, establish strengths, and feel empowered.

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