woman using the power of praise and whispering something in man's ear

The Power of Praise

The Power of Praise

We all love a little praise now and again. As a couples counselor and Denver marriage counselor, I have had countess couples admit to this! Did you know that you have the power of praise to perk people up, appreciate their wonderful, unique selves, and make them feel good about what they’re doing? And… that you have the power to make yourself feel that way about YOU, too?

It’s as simple as noticing what you, and others, are doing right.

Something I’ve learned from years of being a marriage counselor, therapist, life coach, and relationship coach (as well as a wife, mom, colleague, and friend) is this: noticing and commenting approvingly on positive behaviors not only makes you and others feel good, it also encourages more of the same.

Too often, people try to create change in others — and themselves — through criticism. They only speak up when something is NOT working. This leads their partners to feel that they “can never do anything right” (which I hear about all the time in marriage counseling) and it leads them to feel badly about themselves, and even doubt their competence and worth (a common topic in the therapy and life coaching room).

[For more on this subject, check out “Creating Self Confidence.”]

When people feel bad about themselves, or like they’re always going to disappoint their partners, it’s nearly impossible to muster up the energy and try harder to do better. It feels like it doesn’t matter anyway, so why try?

Have you ever trained a dog? Do you scream at it whenever it does something you disapprove of, and ignore the instances when it behaves beautifully? No! Exactly the opposite is true: When your pup obediently sits / lays down / comes to you on command you lavish it with praise and reward with a treat. “Who’s a good dog? Who’s the best doggie? You are the best doggie!”

In contrast, think about your own internal dialogue when you don’t do something just right: you miss your workout, eat the donut, or make a mistake at work. If you’re like a lot of people, your inner critic berates you, calls you names, brings up all the other times you disappointed, and paints a bleak future. [For more on how to get a handle on your inner critic, check out The Happiness Class].

Now, think about your inner dialogue when you did make it to the gym, ordered the salad (dressing on the side!), and did your work just right………. Crickets. Chirping. 

Most people glide right by their own awesomeness, and that’s a shame.

Same goes for your partner. It’s so easy to jump all over people, or automatically radiate disapproving energy when others fail to meet our expectations. It’s also very easy to completely miss all the times — which are probably most of the times — that your partner is kind and generous.

You could certainly indulge the, “Why should I compliment them for just doing what they should be doing?” school of thought. But you’re probably reading this article because you want a next-level type of relationship. If that’s the case I invite you to imagine what kind of love-fest might ensue were you to slather on the praise and positivity when your partner is actually being great.

A simpler way to connect with the power of praise is to think about how YOU feel when your efforts are noticed, your specialness is admired by others, and your gifts are celebrated. It’s affirming. It’s validating. It makes you feel like you’re on the right track, and that you should keep doing more of what you’re doing, right?

Here’s one from me to you: I think that it’s fantastic that you’re browsing around online for articles that will help you build yourself up, feel happier, and have better relationships with others. Not everyone does that. Many just complain about their circumstances or blame other people.

But you understand that knowledge is power, and you’re open to new ideas. You are aware that you’re in control of your life, and you have the power to shape the results you get. You get that what you do, matters — and you’re committed to putting in your best effort.

That is a pretty great thing about you. I hope that you remind yourself of that fact as you go about the rest of your day — tossing around positivity and praise like you were the mayor of happy-town.

Much love,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

P.S. While you’re at it, try this one with a kid. Comment on something they did well, (like, “Good job listening!” or “I really like it when you look right into my eyes when I’m talking to you!”) and they will not just puff up with pride, but often fall all over themselves to get more of your approval. They’re hungry for it.

P.P.S. Everyone is.

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6 Comments

  1. Crazy thing I ran into this article. Just started couples therapy last week after an unaccomplished, aggravating, debateful 21 yrs in a relationship, at its (what feels like its end),.. And the main thing I brought up, and did -just now hearing from my mom her husband is negative n only pays attention when in the bedroom,…
    I think this article is well written n I’m going to share it with as many as possible. Prob Facebook… If that’s allowed. Thank u.

  2. Crazy thing I ran into this article. Just started couples therapy last week after an unaccomplished, aggravating, debateful 21 yrs in a relationship, at its (what feels like its end),.. And the main thing I brought up, and did -just now hearing from my mom her husband is negative n only pays attention when in the bedroom,…
    I think this article is well written n I’m going to share it with as many as possible. Prob Facebook… If that’s allowed. Thank u.

  3. Dr. Bobby,
    Your thought process as well as your writing style is right on target.
    I am in relationship with a man who is so set in his ways yet your article on communication hit home with him!
    I am struggling with him because I was so blessed to have a beautiful, kind and giving husband who passed away.
    I know this man loves me but, our different attitudes is a challenge.
    I have just sent him this article, “fingers crossed “ he reads it.
    Thank you,
    Penelope

  4. This is me. Married for 30 years and not sure what direction or path I’m heading into! I do browse around to try and build myself up with uplifting words or spiritual devotions I read everyday. Just so lonely and numb in my life. I just want to be happy with my husband. I can’t change him, but I’m committed.

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