How to Fix Communication Problems: Conflict & Repair Skills That Build Trust — Thais Gibson

How to Fix Communication Problems: Conflict & Repair Skills That Build Trust — Thais Gibson

Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, BCC

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is a licensed psychologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified coach, AAMFT clinical supervisor, host of the Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast and founder of Growing Self.

There’s a moment in many relationships, often before people ever consider relationship coaching or counseling, when things stop feeling easy.

The conversations that once flowed now turn tense. Small differences feel bigger. As a result, you may start wondering whether this friction means something is wrong—or whether you’re simply with the wrong person.

If that’s where you find yourself, I want to slow things down and offer an important reframe. What you’re experiencing is often the power struggle stage in relationships, and it’s not a failure. It’s not a red flag. And it’s not proof that your relationship is broken.

Instead, this phase reflects normal relationship conflict, something that shows up in healthy partnerships far more often than we talk about.

In this episode of Love, Happiness and Success, I’m joined by my dear friend and colleague Thais Gibson, and together we unpack why relationship power struggles happen, why they feel so unsettling, and how couples can move through them in ways that strengthen trust and emotional safety in relationships rather than eroding it.

The Power Struggle Stage Is Part of the Stages of Love

One of the most damaging myths about relationships is the belief that “the right relationship should feel easy.”

In reality, most long-term partnerships move through predictable stages of love, each asking something different of us. Early connection is fueled by chemistry, novelty, and optimism. Over time, however, the masks come off. Differences emerge. Old emotional triggers get activated.

This is where many couples enter the power struggle stage in relationships—a phase marked by friction, misunderstandings, and doubts about relationship compatibility.

For many people, this is also when questions arise like Are we really right for each other? or Did I miss something early on? If you’ve found yourself asking Are you compatible? or worrying that the spark has faded, Are you worried there’s no chemistry in your relationship?, you’re not alone.

As Thais explains, relationships often end at this stage not because the conflict is unfixable, but because couples don’t understand what’s happening or how to respond. When conflict feels personal or threatening, it’s easy to assume the relationship itself is the problem.

Yet the truth is more nuanced. The power struggle stage is both a crisis and an opportunity.

Why Relationship Power Struggles Feel So Intense

One reason relationship power struggles feel so charged is that they tend to activate unresolved emotional experiences from the past.

When we feel uncertain, unheard, or emotionally unsafe, our nervous systems don’t respond calmly or logically. Instead, they react based on old patterns—often shaped by early attachment experiences or previous relationships. If you’re curious about how those patterns form, How Do You Connect? What Are Attachment Styles? Why Do They Matter? offers a helpful foundation.

As Thais describes, our minds are wired to scan for threat when vulnerability increases. Because of that, even small changes in a partner’s behavior can feel alarming. Over time, the very traits that once felt attractive may start to feel frustrating. The easygoing partner now seems unreliable. The assertive partner may feel inflexible.

Importantly, this shift is not accidental. It’s part of how relationships push us toward growth and greater self-awareness.

The Anxious–Avoidant Relationship Cycle

Many couples experience the power struggle stage through the anxious avoidant relationship cycle.

In this pattern, one partner seeks reassurance, closeness, and immediate resolution. Meanwhile, the other needs space, autonomy, or time to process. Without awareness, this dynamic can spiral into a pursue-withdraw loop that leaves both partners feeling misunderstood and emotionally unsafe.

Understanding attachment styles in relationships can be incredibly clarifying here. Still, it’s important to remember that what’s an attachment style in relationships? It’s not a diagnosis or a character flaw. Attachment styles are learned patterns—and they can change.

When couples stop labeling each other and start understanding how they co-create these cycles, real repair becomes possible. If you’d like to reflect on your own tendencies, the Attachment Style Quiz can be a useful starting point.