Best Dating Coaches

The Best Dating Coach Offers True Personal Growth

Are you ready for a real truth bomb? One that highlights the value of working with a therapist who specializes in relationships to be your dating coach?

Many people date before they are ready to have a healthy relationship.

The biggest, most important thing that most “dating coaches” ignore (or honestly, don’t have the education or background to even consider) is that dating is about far more than attraction and flirting; it’s that finding love is not often not even about “dating” at all. It’s about learning how to create a healthy relationship that endures. 

Many people throw themselves into dating without ever taking the time to explore or work on their own personal growth first. Things like not fully getting over an Ex, having trust issues, struggling with healthy boundaries, having low self-esteem, trouble regulating your emotions, attachment styles that get in the way of emotional intimacy, a pattern of dating jerks or getting addicted to toxic relationships…. none of that stuff goes away when you date someone new. Unless you work on yourself, you bring it all with you.

To think that “you just haven’t found the right person yet” is an incredibly self-limiting thought. Of course, compatibility in relationships is important, and character matters when it comes to finding a life partner. But many people who haven’t yet worked on themselves will feel very frustrated in relationships: Either they’re trying to date the wrong people and it fizzles before it starts, or they’re unknowingly pushing people away, or they get into a string of disappointing relationships…. without ever knowing why.

In order to get different results in dating and relationships, you have to go deeper. That’s why finding the best dating coach often means finding a good therapist who specializes in relationships… and who also offers dating coaching services.

Here at Growing Self, we have so many clients that come to us after failed attempts with other dating coaches. These are men and women that find that they’re able to meet and date new people, but that their relationships seem to perpetually follow the same patterns. The problem is not their dating strategies; it is a variety of deeper individual issues (“competing goals” is a big one, which we’ll get to later).

This is why the best dating coaches will begin with an assessment of who you are as an individual before teaching you how to meet and interact with someone new. A true relationship expert will be able to identify and address key issues that are holding you back from making the connection you’re looking for.

Find The Best Dating Coach By Understanding…

What Is a Dating Coach? What Does a Dating Coach Do?

It may sound counterintuitive, but the best way that a coach can help you with your dating or relationships is to start by shining the light on you.

As we mentioned in the previous section, any worthwhile dating or relationship coaching will start with an assessment. The assessment is critical; when done correctly, it will help your coach get to know who you are on a deep level, which is essential for them to begin helping you get ready for dating or a relationship. Any “dating coach” or “relationship coach” that does not start with an assessment – or breezes over it – and jumps right into giving you directives about what to do differently does not know what they’re doing.

Cookie cutter approaches don’t work, because you are not a cookie. You have unique life experiences, perspectives and feelings. You have hopes and dreams and core beliefs, and ways of being that are yours. Without understanding who you are, what you want, and what you’ve been doing historically, how can a dating coach possibly provide you with meaningful insights or a plan to get you better outcomes? 

For this reason, high quality dating coaching starts with an “assessment phase.” So, what does the initial assessment consist of?

Relationship History and Patterns

In order to help you move forward in a positive direction, your dating or relationship coach should learn as much as possible about your relationship history and patterns. Your experiences have shaped you into who you are today; they play a crucial role in the way you show up when you get to know new potential partners. 

There are a number of different ways that your relationship history can impact your future dating and relationships. Here are just a few of those ways:

• Level of Prior Experience: Imagine Billy, who’s been in and out of long-term relationships for decades. Now, picture James who has never been in a romantic relationship, period. Clearly, a good coach would approach these two clients in vastly different ways.
• Past Relationships: Unfortunately, unhealthy relationships are common, and it’s important to consider how your past experiences have impacted you — particularly if you’re dating after divorce. If your last relationship hurt you in some deep way – which is not uncommon, at all – then your dating coach should know about it and spend some time helping you process, build self-love, and move forward so that your past experiences do not negatively impact your next relationship.
• Patterns: People often find themselves encountering the same problems and issues in their relationships. Over time, their partners change, but somehow, they seem to keep dealing with the same difficulties with each new partner. Until these patterns are understood and addressed, it’s incredibly likely that they will be repeated endlessly. Good coaches can help break patterns.

As I mentioned above, these are just a few reasons that it’s important for relationship and dating coaches to understand their clients’ relationship histories. This list is far from exhaustive. 

Before we move on to another critical part of any assessment that relationship coaches conduct, I’d like to spend a little bit more time on one absolutely crucial cause of unfavorable relationship patterns for so, so many people.

Competing Goals

During my time as a relationship coach, I’ve met so many people with extremely similar issues. Many of them say they want one type of partner – and they do! – but then when they meet someone with all of the traits they want that shares their goals, they sabotage their potential relationships. For example, they’ll mistakenly prioritize “chemistry” over character. On the other hand, when they meet someone that seems to be the exact opposite of what they want long-term, they’re attracted like a magnet. In many cases, situations like these are caused by something that I refer to as “competing goals.”

Let’s talk about Sarah for a minute. Sarah’s in her late twenties. She has a great career, but her primary focus is finding love. More than anything else, she wants to be in a stable relationship with a great guy who loves and cares for her. Unfortunately for Sarah, she seems to keep meeting the wrong guys. Time and time again, she’s met a guy who’s been so cool and confident and charming, fallen head over heels in love with him after a couple of dates, ignored “red flags” along the way, and then been discarded by him and left heartbroken. 

Actually, over the years, Sarah’s been approached by quite a few nice guys who may have been caring, reliable, and willing to treat her very well. Just last month, a friend of Sarah’s friend named Jake – who she had met several times – asked her to have coffee, but Sarah turned him down. Although Jake seemed attractive, polite, and attentive, Sarah just didn’t feel any spark towards Jake; she wanted something else that she just couldn’t put her finger on…

Maybe you know someone like Sarah. Maybe you’re like Sarah! I wouldn’t be surprised; there are Sarahs everywhere. 

Anyway, the heart of Sarah’s problem is her competing goals. Her long-term goal is feeling worthy of love and respect, but she’s unaware of another goal — the one that’s actually influencing her decisions when it comes to guys. That goal is her insatiable desire for romantic fantasy, drama, and Hollywood-esque “love” stories. This makes Sarah vulnerable to losing herself in relationships, and feeling attracted to charismatic, sexually exciting men… who have a very different type of personality than the ones who would make genuinely good long term partners and husbands and fathers.

These competing desires of Sarah’s are fairly typical, but there are many other sets of competing desires that people can fall under the influence of without realizing it. In fact, most people have competing desires they’re not aware of. Without help from a competent dating or relationship coach, they may never be aware of them.

Family of Origin

In the same way that your past relationships may greatly influence your behavior with future partners, your personal background going all the way back to birth has a massive impactive on your thoughts and actions.

Your parents, where you were born, the culture you were brought up in, your religion – all of these things and many more are factors that deeply flavor your personality and the way you present yourself to the world. Of course, it should be said that this is not a good or bad thing. There should not be judgment around anyone’s family of origin. While your own personal history is not necessarily good or bad, however, it matters for your dating life and any relationships you get into.

We all had roles in our family of origin, and our attachment styles are influenced by our earliest relationships. These always play out in our dating relationships too. The best dating coach will be able to help you identify the impact of your culture, your family, and your life experiences on your love life — and make positive changes accordingly.

Your Values, Goals, Hopes, and Dreams

What matters to you? What do you want to do with your life? What do you see for yourself and your potential partner(s)?

Many people want the traditional “white picket” fence life with children and secure jobs in a location close to their families. Many don’t. These things matter a lot. The best way to approach dating and relationships can vary a lot depending on exactly what you want. This is why your coach needs to understand these parts of you.

What Is Your Ideal Partner Looking For?

It’s easy to get too selfish when thinking about your ideal partner or relationship. After all, you’re thinking about what you want. Have you taken a moment, however, to think about what your ideal partner wants?

I want to take a quick moment to mention and dispel a toxic myth that – unfortunately – gets repeated constantly. If you go to one of your close friends or family members and explain that you’re tired of being single and you don’t know how to find someone – or maybe that you have found someone but you’re a bit confused about how to interact with them to take it to the next level – you might get the following advice:

“All you have to do is just be yourself.”

Of course, it’s true on some level. You don’t want to be fake and it’s entirely unproductive to present yourself as something that you’re not. On the other hand, “Just be yourself,” isn’t really helpful, is it?

And what if you are not currently growing, or living as your best self yet? What if you’re someone who’s recently lost your way in life? Maybe you’re unemployed and directionless, not pursuing any passions. Maybe you’re not taking good care of yourself. Maybe you’re subconsciously looking for someone else to bring energy and positivity to your life because you struggle to create it on your own. In these cases, “Just be yourself” isn’t good advice… because you’re not being your best self. And that’s what your ideal partner wants and deserves.

A far more useful piece of advice may be, “Be the best version of yourself.”

Easier said than done. However, if your goal is to find a certain type of person that you consider your ideal partner, this information may help your coach assist you to grow into the person that your ideal partner wants to be with.

This type of personal growth work is important, not just for your love life, but for you too. While working on yourself will help you be a better partner it will also help you have a better relationship with yourself. You’ll feel happier, you’ll be healthier, and you’ll enjoy your life more — whether or not you’ve yet found your person.

The best dating coach will challenge you to have a good relationship with yourself too!