How Therapists Can Stay Non-Judgmental in the Face of Values Conflicts

Lisa Marie Bobby:

 Have you ever been in a situation as a therapist where you’ve had conflicting values with a client that make it hard for you to maintain a truly non judgmental stance?

Friend, we’ve all been there as a therapist. I know how deeply we are called to be that unconditionally nonjudgmental person with ultimate positive regard for our clients. It’s one of the cornerstones of what we counselors do. do, right? Being truly, thoroughly, nonjudgmental about anybody else’s life choices, beliefs, or values.

As therapists, we are here to listen and not to be understood. But to understand, to be receptive, and to be present in another person’s journey without letting our own values or perspectives seep into the room. But, here’s the thing, we’re still human, right?

And the truth is, we do have our own opinions, values, and points of view. And so sometimes this is tough, even though we need to show up professionally in a genuinely Unconditionally nonjudgmental way. It can also be hard to connect, to empathize, or to see the world through our client’s eyes when their values or life choices are very much in opposition to our own.

If you’ve ever been in a therapy session with a client and having a little voice in the back of your head, whispering, I don’t agree with this at all, or, Oh, I think this is wrong. First of all, I want you to know that you’re not alone in this. Every therapist, myself included, has faced moments where our, my personal values are bumping up against those of a client.

These value conflicts are very real. It happens to all of us and the real work begins when we can recognize that this is happening in ourselves and make sure it doesn’t interfere with this beautiful, sacred, nonjudgmental. space we’ve created for our clients and how to do that. Well, that’s what we’re talking about today on love, happiness, and success for therapists.

If this is your first time tuning in, I’m so glad you’re here. I’m Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, like you, I’m a therapist. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist. I’m also a licensed psychologist and a very proud board certified coach. I’m an AAMFT approved clinical supervisor, and I’m the founder of growing self counseling and coaching.

So a big part of my role at growing self is the care and feeding of therapists. Continuing education, professional development, support, consultation, mentorship, and it’s from that, you know, mission of my work at Growing Self. I was like, you know what? I should put together a podcast for therapists to support you.

I know that we’ve chosen a challenging profession that can impact us on even personal as well as professional levels, but I also know how meaningful and rewarding our shared profession is. So that’s why every week on love, happiness, and success, we’re talking about all dimensions of things. Things related to being a therapist so that I can hopefully be part of your support system because you are doing amazing work every single day.

You are touching the lives, the life trajectory of other people in a way that makes such a huge difference. But I know that the work that you do takes a lot of love. It takes a lot of energy. It takes a lot of self awareness. And that you need and deserve compassionate support, just like your clients do.

I think as helpers, we can give it all away sometimes because we are generous, caring people, but, but also we need to have our own cups filled. And so that is what love, happiness, and success for therapists is all about. And so that’s why today too, I really wanted to tackle this very, um, topic. Common and important issue on what to do when we are in a relationship with a client who has values that are very different from ours, or is making lifestyle choices or major life decisions that are very, very different than choices that we would make for ourselves.

Personally, and how to truly be there and walk with our clients as they are pursuing their own life path in an authentic way. When we can have some feelings about what they’re doing and, and so how to manage those situations. Three, two, one. So by the end of today, I’d like to just float a few of the most common situations where these conflicts and arise, and then talk through some things that we can each be thinking about doing differently in order to manage these moments with greater ease.

Grace and professionalism that prioritize the well being of our clients, but also acknowledging that we are humans and may even sometimes need to set healthy boundaries, but how to do that in a way that hopefully feels good for everyone and is both ethical and beneficent because that’s what we need to do.

Maybe you’re working with a client who has very deeply rooted beliefs about gender roles or sexuality that are very, very different from your own.

Or perhaps you’re engaging with someone whose lifestyle choices challenge your personal or ethical views. Because these are moments where judgment can sneak in, and often subconsciously.

You might also be working with someone who’s moral or ethical choices really test your patients like, you know, maybe you have an individual therapy client who is having an affair or engaged in some kind of deceitful behavior, even criminal behavior, and you find yourself struggling to empathize and, and this disconnect can be Feel like, and truly be a big roadblock in your ability to join with them, to connect with them, to see the world through their eyes and truly be an effective growth partner as they move along their journey.

And I am sure you do not need me to remind you that we are living in a world where political and social views are becoming increasingly polarized. And people have lots of intense feelings about this, and you know how charged this can be. So you might have clients who are holding radically different beliefs about some of these most polarizing topics.

And this can feel really hard to maintain neutrality.

And lastly too, there are personal life choices that our clients might make that, that maybe aren’t necessarily harmful or, or that we don’t perceive to be dangerous or destructive, but they also don’t align with our personal values. Maybe we have some feelings about that. So, you know, maybe they have a lifestyle that feels foreign.

Uh, you know, if they’re choosing an open relationship and you feel very strongly that it should be open. Two people to a relationship is the way things should be, you know, these are the moments where you might find it very hard to support them in their decisions. And this can come up in so many different ways.

What they’re doing related to child care, finances, the way they’re operating their career. I mean, so many things we can bump into these values conflicts. Three, two, one. And so if this is sounding familiar, you’re kind of nodding your head and thinking about the own moments when you’ve been confronted by some of these in your sessions.

First of all, it is okay. I mean, this is simply something that happens when we are in deep, Close contact with the inner lives of other people. And to have these moments as therapists is part of the experience, but these are also amazing opportunities for our own personal and professional growth.

So let’s talk about how to handle these situations when they come up, because the truth is, it’s not, you know, if they’re going to happen, it is when they’re going to happen. And so we all need to have at the ready a toolkit of things that we can do and use and practice so that we can manage these moments well, and also be able to make good and ethical decisions about what we want to do here.

And this is. Especially important if as often as the case, maybe you’re in a long term relationship with a client who perhaps starts evolving in a direction that you have a mandate to follow them and help them, you know, create the life that they want to live according to their values, their design. I mean, we are tasked with helping people get clarity about that.

And so you may have an essential. Established relationship with a client and, and that only after time what emerges are some big, deep differences. And so, you know, what do you do when you’re already in that kind of relationship? It’s one thing to have clarity around these are the kinds of clients and this is the population and these are the presenting issues.

You know, I know these are the people that I work well with. So you can do some of that vetting on the front end. Uh, however, a lot of these situations they are. Sleepers. And so we have to know how we want to handle this and, um, just how to maintain boundaries, but also how to do the work of being a counselor, which is to be nonjudgmental professionally and learn how to effectively set aside our own values.

Preferences, feelings, and opinions for the benefit of another, that is part of the job description of what we do and what we need to do as counselors. It’s very important.

So the number one strategy and the most important thing that you need to do that I need to do to be effective in this chosen profession is related to our own capacity for self reflection and self awareness. We need to know where our own values lie, what they are, and how those values change.

can potentially color our own reactions. And so we can dig into this in a lot of ways, doing some journaling, working with a supervisor or a mentor to just be able to talk about it. What is my, you know, preferred way of living? How would I define that? How would I articulate it? So that you’re able to kind of put that into place.

You can also though, learn a lot about yourself by noticing how you feel in your sessions or, or even in the world at large, you know, or do you get triggered by certain things, uh, or specific kinds of conversations or being around certain types of people who have certain, you know, ways of being or, or worldviews.

Does that, you know, do something to you. And so, you know, and no judgment about that, whatever it is, but it’s important that you’re taking time to reflect on that, whether it is through journaling meditation during supervision or a consultation group. The goal here is not to judge yourself and not to not have feelings about things, but is simply to be aware of and own your own human biases before.

It kind of activates within a session in a way that is unhelpful potentially to your clients.

A crucial component of the self awareness building is in my opinion, supervision, consultation, or mentorship. I have been a therapist now for a long time. I have been a supervisor. I have been a supervisor. Supervisee to this day, I actively participate in consultation groups and in my own mentorship. And I cannot stress enough how important it is to lean on your community when these conflicts arise.

Like when you’re feeling that internal struggle or when you’re feeling triggered by a client, having some counter transference things come up, having relationships. in place with people who know you and care about you, um, and who can, you know, listen to what’s going on. People that you can reach out to is so fundamentally important.

So allowing them to, um, you know, help you process what’s going on and just sort of think through your own reactions, reflect back some things, and, and perhaps, you know, Even give you some feedback or guidance around strategies for maintaining professionalism and doing the work of being a counselor, which is seeking to understand unconditional positive regard for our clients and absolutely keeping our own judgments and opinions out of whatever your client is doing or not doing.

We are mandated. To do that as professional therapists. And so to be able to talk to people that love you and care about you and, and have been in this situation themselves for how to maintain professionalism. But, but also to do so in a way that does not deny your humanity because you are not a robot.

You do have feelings, you do have values, and it’s hard to like find a balance. Between being authentic and honest and congruent with yourself, but also entering the worldview and creating a safe space for someone who is operating in a way that is very different from who you are and what you would do.

That’s hard. That’s hard to do.

Once you have those core pieces in place, you have personal practices that allow you to have a self awareness when these things are coming up, and you also have an ongoing support system to help you process these things. The third most important thing that you can be doing as a practice, an intentional practice, is to cultivate personal awareness.

Curiosity and approach these moments with a high degree of empathy and a willingness to enter and then understand someone else’s point of view.

And I know that this isn’t necessarily easy to do, but I have personally been confronted with these situations so many times. And what has truly saved me, I think, or helped me, I guess I should say, is the ability to cultivate that Curiosity. And I just love this strategy for me personally, because I found it to be so effective.

And we do this by shifting away from focusing on how your client’s choices are different from your own. And I would never do that. Or, you know, kind of allowing yourself to spin out into all of the negative aspects of their life decisions that you would perceive for yourself is to simply get curious.

About why, um, this is true for them, where it is coming from, what’s led them to make these choices, what is driving their worldview and what are the, the values or the priorities that, um, feel most salient for them, um, the life experience that shaped them. Um, just, you know, asking questions and really tapping into authentic, genuine curiosity.

It does a few things. First of all, it will immediately help you, um, understand your client’s perspective a little bit more. It kind of knocks you out of your own ego and allows you to reconnect empathically with another person. I also am a sincere believer of the fact that when we really do understand others, it generates empathy.

It helps us be more compassionate, which we love. Must do right. But at the same time, I think it’s also incredibly beneficial for our clients to have this opportunity to be in a relationship with a person who is genuinely curious and who is inviting them to articulate the why behind their life choices so that it becomes clearer for them.

This is an experiential, um, enactment, if you will, that will allow your client the gift of being able to articulate, clarify, um, strengthen their own understanding of themselves, their priorities, their values, the life experiences that have made them who they are and, and the desires, the goals that they have in their life and how the current choices make sense to them.

to them in creating the outcomes they desire, or sometimes, um, you know, with just genuine, sincere curiosity that is not seeking to, you know, change anybody’s mind. Uh, but you will also have clients be able to, to talk all the way through and kind of get curious about themselves and be able to turn over, um, you know, their, Value systems or priorities or ways of being like, see these from many other point of view, points of view and in a genuinely nonjudgmental way for themselves that helps them, um, understand the whole range of options that they have at their disposal and, and sometimes potentially, you know, shift their course a little bit or not.

It doesn’t matter. That’s, that’s not why we’re here. We are here for them to help our clients. Create the life that supports their authentic wellbeing, their healthy relationships, and the full actualization of themselves and their life goals as they define them. And so when we approach our clients with curiosity and, um, use our own desire to understand as a doorway to help our clients understand themselves, magic can happen.

Now, as you are doing this very powerful and important work, the fourth thing you want to be aware of as you’re moving through it is that you’re also doing a good job of managing your own cognitive dissonance. And it is okay. It is necessary, I think, to acknowledge the fact that there is. a disconnect.

There is a gap between who and what your client is and who and what you are, and that perhaps you are maybe feeling a little conflicted, but that it is okay. And I think that we get through this. by maintaining very active self talk around the fact that, um, you know, I am a separate person. I am clear about my own personal values, life choices, preferences, and that those are different from the ones that this person is prioritizing and how they are living their lives.

And that is is okay. I am not living their life. They are not living my life, nor should they, right? But so that we’re able to get comfortable and develop strengths and skills around cognitive dissonance, which is holding two conflicting ideas at once and being able to To value and appreciate different points of view that may be in opposition to each other at the same time.

Again, not easy to do, but this is what we as professional counselors are required to do. And this is why, I mean, I, I am a big believer that You know, not everybody can be a counselor because this is an aptitude. This is a strength. This is a skill set. Like, you know, some people, um, have natural aptitudes towards mathematics or a scientific mind.

Um, some people have language skills, you know, they can pick up a language just like this. Some people, people like me and you have strengths around being psychologically minded, having a high degree of tolerance for ambiguity, and are able to see see the very same situation from many different points of view without needing to find like the one and the only therapists like us are in the gray spaces and so if if your personality is not naturally like this if you like to be a person who is like an either or kind of person in your personal life this is going to be a situation Self of therapist, uh, growth opportunity for you of how do you move into more nebulous spaces and be able to really be receptive to other points of view, not, not just tolerate, you know, being able to hear them, but really like understanding what this means to another person in a way that appreciates and respects that point of view.

Um, Challenging work, but again, this is the kind of strength and skill set that the quiet unseen oftentimes unrecognized strength and skill set that professional effective counselors have that and empathy and being able to understand into somebody else’s mind and experience that, um, You know, empath kind of strength.

Um, you know, there’s, there’s not a, an aptitude I haven’t come across yet, or an assessment tool that, you know, highlights that one on a career skills inventory, but but that is is actually one of the things, the most powerful things that we have at our disposal and some of the skills and abilities that we really need to develop within ourselves in order to be both good at this work, but also to be able to do this work without the need for it feeling stressful and painful and triggering and difficult, right?

Because if you are getting triggered and like, and, and having bad feelings about working with some clients and then feeling guilty about having bad feelings or working with some clients or having a lot of transference, counter transference that comes up, you know, that takes a toll on you emotionally.

And it will, it will impact you negatively over time. So, so this ability to develop. The tolerance for ambiguity and the multidimensional empathy, you know, that’s, it’s, it’s, it’s worth investing in, in yourself.

and additionally, you know, to be able to do this, but at the same time, recognizing and making it okay, that you also don’t have to agree with your client’s values to support their growth. You have to understand them, but you do not have to accept what they’re saying. Or sign up for their perspective and adopt it as your own.

Again, that’s the cognitive dissonance. It’s a both and understanding, seeing, valuing, having empathy for, but then still having a lot of security and clarity around your own. own belief system and that it is okay for those two things to be different and you’re doing a good job of supporting your client’s growth and well being does not require a fusion of those things.

There can be an individuation, healthy individuation. It’s complex.

Now, there are also situations that are rare. They should be rare, but, um, wait, three, two, one.

Now, I will also say that as you are doing your own work in this area, and as you are creating self awareness, talking to other people, working with clients, managing this necessary ambiguity. Um, you may also discover that your best fit career path is to identify and then lean into a therapy niche that is going to support.

and help you maintain your own belief system and your own value system. And this, this is a valid professional choice if you would like to do that. So for example, if you have a very, very strong, um, religious orientation and spiritual, spiritual belief system. And if you know, you are currently working in environments where you’re working, you know, with like a lot of clients who, who have different ways of being that are very much out of alignment that you’re so, so for example, you are an evangelical Christian and have a lot of clarity around that.

It is the way your life is organized and you have very, very strong feelings around same sex marriages, whether or not people should get abortions, you know, transgender, um, Transcribed Issues, you know, you might decide that what is truly and genuinely for the best for you, but also for the population that you seek to serve is to, to lean into that and organize your practice around that to say, I am a Christian counselor.

I am going to do pastoral counseling through a church with a Christian population. So that I will have the opportunity to be working with people whose belief system is feels more congruent with my own and that I can be more of what I am. On the other side, you may be, uh, as you do this work, becoming aware that you have an extremely strong, uh, social justice value system and personal orientation, um, and, and that yours even spirituality is.

Connected to issues that, um, that speak to you around celebrating diversity, um, helping perhaps, um, you know, LBGTQ, uh, adolescents or young people do this developmental work of self acceptance. Maybe you have a. calling to support transgender people as they do their own work. Maybe you really want to help, um, people who are grappling with whether or not to keep a pregnancy, uh, and meet and want to be that, that person who can help them make the best choices for them, you know, independent of.

You know, imposing your own value system, and so then you might choose to try to find professional roles or environments that allow you to really do that work joyfully, authentically, courageously, and and that that is part of what defines you as a professional. That is awesome. And this is just one of the reasons why I think we all need to do work around identifying our professional identities, our niche as a therapist.

I recorded a podcast on this topic not too long ago, how to find your niche as a therapist. Look back through my feed and find that. Um, you know, we talked about it in that podcast related to a number of different things like, you know, marketing a private practice can also be attached to it, but there’s Um, you know, the way that we’re talking about it today is around like values, congruence and belief systems, and putting yourself in spaces where you are less likely to experience this values disconnect with other people can be a big part of it.

So check out that podcast. Additionally, I did recently create a free resource for therapists. That is designed to also help you get clarity about, you know, who you are, what you want your life to be about, what you want your professional trajectory to be all about. I did this through the lens of supporting people who are considering becoming credentialed as coaches, therapists, or therapists.

becoming credentialed as coaches. Um, and so it does move into, you know, what does it mean to be a coach? But the first part of this, it’s a two part training video series. Um, and, uh, the first video is really all about career clarity. Um, and there’s a workbook that I’ve included that has a lot of different exercises that can help you tap in to your own, um, values, desires, you know, what does your ideal vision of professional success look like for you?

And so even if you don’t, If you don’t have an interest in coaching and don’t want to do the whole thing, you could still do the first part of that. So go to growingself. com forward slash coach to grab that free training and walk through some of those exercises in order to get clarity around, you know what you might want professional boundaries to look like and feel like.

Um, you know, related to this, it is also true that if you are signing up to be a general practitioner or if you’re in a situation where you are going to be regularly coming into contact with people from all walks of life, um, you know, there, there needs to be a certain level of acceptance that you are.

Are signing up to support the healing and wellbeing of all different kinds of people, um, not creating alignment between your values and theirs and actively reminding yourself that this is their space. It is not your space. And then that is okay. So, you know, that, that means really actively setting some boundaries with yourself and checking yourself.

Like if, You want to work in community mental health, or if you want to work in a private practice as a general practitioner, you are saying yes to, uh, inviting all kinds of different people to come and work with you. And, and that’s okay. But again, what are those boundaries need to be in terms of your boundaries and how you want to position yourself in the world, but also those internal boundaries with yourself.

Um, you know, just reminding yourself of why we’re here, which is not for you. It is for them and being okay with that

now in exceptionally rare situations. Um, if you ever find that your, um, values conflict with a client is Feel so immense that it is truly interfering with your ability to be effective. You might want to consider a referral, but, but to be clear, this is only after you have explored all other options. And also after you have tried to do some serious work on yourself to grow in your capacity of Unconditional positive regard for people who are not like you and really developing these core counseling skills of being receptive and moving into somebody else’s perspective and being able to set yours aside.

However, if, if you are in a situation where you have become aware through your self awareness that you are not able. To have compassion for someone, you are not able to, um, have unconditional positive regard for a client or you are not able to be genuinely nonjudgmental and supportive of their own, um, um, Exploration their own path.

It is in the best interests of these clients that they don’t work with you because they deserve to have a therapist who is going to be there for them and with them. And in an authentically, unconditionally positive and supportive way, and if you know that you cannot be that you, you should recuse yourself, do it thoughtfully and with care.

But I’ve, I have, um, You know, I had, had supervisees over the years who have had such, um, strong judgment about lifestyle choices, uh, you know, a client in an open relationship or a client who is currently having an affair or, um, you know, maybe struggling with some things that a client just feels are morally wrong to the degree that they’re not able to help them.

Um, You, you should call it, be very, very thoughtful and careful about how you do this. Make sure that you obtain supervision or consultation, and also be very careful that you have, are thinking this all the way through that, you know, what you’re going to say to this client, um, that will be helpful and respectful and not wounding to them and for sure have a very, solid referral set up for this person and that you do a lot of hand holding to make sure that you are not abandoning a client particularly because of your own stuff.

So be super careful about that.

And then very lastly, just one tip to share is how helpful I have found it over the years to be really intentionally practicing unconditional positive regard. And you can come back to this core principle, this, this mandate of what it means to be a counselor and just intentionally remind yourself, you might find a little quote or saying.

It’s a sticky note that you put on your desk that my job is to support my clients on their journey, wherever they are, wherever they’re going. It’s not about who’s right or who’s wrong. I am here to help other people navigate their own lives and cultivate, you know, health, happiness. For me, it’s love, happiness, and success in whatever way that looks to you.

But I think that when we are reminding ourselves of this actively, it can also just help us. Be more of the people that we want and need to be and maybe silence that little judgmental voice that might want to creep in otherwise.

So, to wrap things up, I know that navigating these kinds of values conflicts as a therapist isn’t easy, but it’s also not impossible, and it helps you grow not only professionally, but also emotionally. But I think personally, when you dig into this work, as you become less judgmental and more unconditionally supportive and accepting of your clients, I think it will often, you know, soften us as people and help us in our even personal relationships, be more tolerant of other points of view, develop an even stronger capacity to.

See things from other perspectives, which is such a rare thing and such a gift in the world, especially in this day and age.

Be sure to go back and remove the little thumbs down that just happened right there.

So when we practice self reflection, empathy, when we’re aware of our own triggers, when we know how to set boundaries, and when we, you know, walk the talk, we are showing up for our clients, even when we disagree And we are also doing something so beautiful, which I think is modeling what it looks like to maintain healthy, positive relationships with people from all kinds of different walks of life.

We are here to create a safe space for our clients, for them to grow. That is what matters most, but building bonds between people. People who may otherwise, you know, not come into contact with each other. Um, what a beautiful thing that is. And, you know, to have the opportunity to be that kind of person professionally is so amazing.

So I hope that this podcast today, um, just helps you, you know, identify these moments and then know how to move through them with grace, with integrity, and just know that I believe in you and I am all for you. In admiration of everybody who chooses this profession and does this kind of work, you know, because it’s not just about the sessions.

It’s about our own self of therapist growth and how we need to continue learning and growing and keep showing up and keep feeling the things and reflecting and, and leaning in. in to this work that you love, that I love, remembering that that’s why we’re here. So you have got this. And thank you so much for allowing me to be a small part of your growth journey today.

Um, I still want to connect with you because I am making these podcasts for you. I want to know what’s on your mind and what we should talk about on the next episode of Love, Happiness and Success for Therapists. If we’re not already connected on LinkedIn, track me down, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby on LinkedIn.

Um, and let me know what’s on your mind. If you have questions or things you’d like to hear discussed from the upcoming episode, I’m here for you. So all right. Thanks again for spending the time and I’ll be back in touch next week. Three, two, one. Okay.