Why Therapists Can’t Do the Work for Clients

Lisa Marie Bobby: Have you ever found yourself in a situation where it seems like you care more about your client’s progress and well-being than they do? Like you’re more invested in their growth work and their outcomes than they personally are and that you are working so hard for them, maybe even more than they are putting in for themselves.

I certainly have been in that situation more than once. I think it’s a common dynamic that all therapists can unintentionally fall into, especially really loving, caring, compassionate ones. And. It’s not good for us. It’s also not good for our clients. It can leave us feeling stuck and frustrated. And actually, if we’re not managing this with intention, it can prevent growth in the clients that we’re seeking to serve.

So that’s why I wanted to talk about this very common and important issue on today’s episode of Love, happiness, and Success for therapists. So that, we’re just bringing it out into the open and having an honest conversation about some of the factors that can contribute to this dynamic and what we all can be doing as caring therapists in order to have it be different for us and for them.

So grab your tea, grab your La, Croix, and make yourself comfortable and let’s dive in. I’m not a paid sponsor, by the way. So first things first, let’s just talk about the process of transformation and personal growth. We know how this works and I think it’s also worth revisiting, right? Growth always comes from.

Some level of discomfort and dissatisfaction. Growth doesn’t happen when people are just happy and bopping along and really feeling no, I’m good. That’s not where growth comes from. The engine of growth comes from an active grappling with our dark emotions. It’s often fueled by things like frustration and really just this deep dissatisfaction with things as they are.

And if you reflect back on your own growth experiences throughout your life, personally and professionally, we as therapists and coaches, but also as humans, we have walked this path. We have done a lot of this work, not that we’re done, who’s ever done, right? We’re all still developing in our own way and usually done more of this work than people that we’re seeking to serve.

And that’s part of what allows us to be guides. And from your own life experiences that, when we’ve done this work, we’ve faced the challenges. We’ve come out the other side. We have clarity, we have insight, we have made some shifts, we have been transformed. And I think from this space of being on the other side, it can be easy to forget just how tough it was for us to get here too.

Our own journeys took time, years. Probably when you really think back about where you’ve been in your life and what needed to change and how long that actually took for you to become a different person through your own work. The work is measured in, at the very least months, but usually years, right?

Personal evolution is a long game and. There’s a reason for that. It happens in layers, growth experiences, new awarenesses. it creates this foundation that builds on itself and from your own experience that you can’t rush it. You couldn’t rush it. I think it’s easy to say, Ooh, I wish that could have gone faster.

’cause I spent too much time in this space that I didn’t actually love and it wasn’t that great for me. That’s fine, we’ve all been there. But you’ve also probably, if you think back honestly, on your own life experiences, had opportunities to do that work faster. You had people telling you what to do or encouraging you or reading the books and maybe wanted to, but it was its own process.

So I think that there’s a certain degree of acceptance that we need to have around that process and what it actually involves, and I think it’s also our responsibility to be communicating some of that to our clients as well, so that, they also have reasonable expectations for what is ahead.

There are absolutely shorter term positive changes that can be made in short order, particularly when it comes to things like skill building or doing things differently. That’s easier. But to really connect with the deeper truths, the motivation, the insights that actually change who you are, those things take time, and I think it’s a common experience for caring therapists.

To be hoping that we can nudge our clients into that transformation space sooner rather than later. And that we, this is Self of Therapist stuff, may feel frustrated or discouraged or like we’re working harder than they are because our efforts to facilitate that process aren’t always immediately fruitful.

And one of the things I think we can be doing here is to acknowledge our hopes for our clients ourselves and also for them. And creating clarity for ourselves and for them around what this process looks like, what it involves. Where we are now and what needs to be done to move this forward. When we create that clarity for our clients, we’re also creating empowerment and autonomy because they then get to decide what they are willing or not willing to do right in this very moment.

They might even say out loud, you know what? This feels good for me to be just processing things, connecting the dots, developing compassion for myself, like they’re just, they’re working on deeper foundational steps of this that really need to be done before a more obvious growth and change can really be possible, but to be having open and transparent conversations about.

The process with our clients is a fundamentally important part of this. And that also I think, creates alignment and unity with our clients where, we’re on the same page that they are on their unique paths. And that just like us though, their journey will take time, patience, persistent effort.

And just to have that be an overt conversation as opposed to something that isn’t talked about that might be creating feelings of frustration or failure even on your side as the therapist. Now, another reason that it can feel like we are working harder than our clients. Is that there are actually hidden obstacles or competing goals that we aren’t aware of.

So this is actually a really critical aspect when someone has hidden obstacles, meaning that we are talking about things they want values, they have outcomes that they desire, and those are overt. But there are also covert goals or values that we’re not talking about. They might not even be consciously aware of them, but they’re prioritizing them and it comes out through the results.

That we’re getting. And in this way, growth can be stunted or slowed, not because of a lack of effort or desire, but because there are really unseen barriers in the way. So again. Competing priorities, subconscious goals. Even sometimes an attachment to the therapeutic relationship itself can be an obstacle to real growth and change.

And so as their trustworthy guide, it is our job to help our clients uncover these hidden obstacles if we’re not aware of it. And they’re not aware of it. There’s no path forward. So this again, is another very important opportunity to have open dialogues and to really assist them in just.

Accepting and understanding all these different facets of themselves in an emotionally safe way, so that they can then make conscious, intentional choices about what to prioritize and move towards and have a more auth, authentic, and I think real understanding of what the obstacles are. Additionally part of this, particularly if it comes out that the attachment to the therapeutic relationship itself may be a competing value or obstacle to moving forward to the point where, they don’t need us anymore.

That’s the goal. Part of that goal then needs to be having part of our focus be on assisting our clients in building other positive and supportive relationships. In our lives so that they’re not overly dependent on us in a way that inhibits their forward movement. Part of our work is really around helping our clients build their own, therapeutic experience and growth promoting experience, both in other relationships, but also inside of themselves.

That’s when we’ve done a good job. Now another reason why it can often feel like we as therapists are working harder than our clients are is because we sometimes have not fully conscious ideas about the way this should work, that aren’t always. The truth about how people grow, change and evolve in reality.

So I don’t know about you, but my experience in counseling school was really focused on the power of insight and self-awareness, and the therapeutic modalities that I was taught were very much. Centered on those. The idea being that when people understand themselves, when they’re able to connect the dots and say, yes, that is why I am the way I am.

That makes sense to me now. And really understanding their own patterns, right? that in itself, in addition to having a corrective emotional experience in their relationship with you and maybe other experiential moments this kind of work. Is the active ingredient, if you will, insight and self-awareness.

What I have learned since coming out of counseling school, and this is, not just a counseling degree, so I did a marriage and family therapy counseling degree, but then also a doctorate in counseling psychology, became a licensed psychologist. And really in both of these learning experiences, the modalities are very much based on insight to a large degree.

Of course there are some behaviorally focused approaches towards growth and change. So cognitive behavioral therapy, certainly the Gottman method when it comes to couples counseling, but this is actually where the lines start to get blurred between therapy and coaching. The more active models. Of psychotherapy when they’re applied to mental health treatment, psychiatric disorders.

Research shows that those do actually tend to be more effective in creating the outcomes that we’re looking for when we’re providing behavioral healthcare around symptom reduction is that they work when we’re working with therapy clients who maybe aren’t. Necessarily coming in for mental health treatment.

They are here because, they wanna work on themselves and they don’t feel good about the relationship with their mother. Like whatever these things are, that’s, I think sometimes often, frequently, I. When therapists like you and me can then reach back to these more gentle approaches, psychodynamic, experiential, self-awareness and insight, building approaches that are wonderful at helping our clients gain insight, being able to reflect, able to understand themselves, and certainly generate self-compassion.

And they are not often good vehicles for helping people then take that awareness and do something with it. That is a huge shortcoming, in my opinion, of standard is issue, client-centered talk therapy. And so I think when we as therapists, and perhaps not even consciously, but. And we as therapists are doing this, that the subconscious belief that we’re holding is that if my client is aware of this and understands these things, then that should translate into their ability to take this and do something differently.

And that is not actually the way it works. It’s not uncommon at all for our clients to understand their patterns and their behaviors. Thoroughly and yet still find themselves stuck in the same old routines, mindsets, behaviors, ruts. And this is where I believe therapists would be very well served to integrate coaching techniques into our practice, particularly if you are not seeking to treat a mental health diagnosis.

Therapy is for the diagnosis and treatment of mental health conditions, not real and lasting change in terms of behavioral outcomes outside of symptom reduction. It’s just not made for that. So coaching. On the other hand, the practice of coaching when conducted by a qualified provider who knows what they’re doing involves a totally different process many times, but also a different intention.

We’re not trying to heal, we’re trying to create totally different outcomes that are visible. Action-oriented and that create true impact in the lives of our clients. And this coaching process is different. We’re identifying goals, addressing obstacles. We are creating a roadmap forward helping clients consciously and intentionally not just build the skills, but establishing the accountability that will help them turn this sort of passive understanding and awareness.

Into active change. And this is why I have invested so much into becoming a certified coach and why I really encourage therapists, especially in this day and age, to become certified coaches through an evidence-based, trustworthy program that is by and for therapists specifically, so that they can have this different way of being with their clients.

In my experience, shifting into this stance with clients who could really benefit from it is truly a game changer. It transforms us into much more effective growth partners for our clients because the whole culture of coaching is based on action, and it is based on accountability. In therapy, there is this tacit, expectation sometimes of our clients.

If I tell you how I am feeling and what’s going on in my inner life, that’s gonna change something for me. And we can be colluding with our clients in that belief. But in a coaching culture, the whole dynamic is that. We’re going to make some things happen, and at the end of the day, my dear client, I’m your process guide.

I’m gonna help you figure out what’s going on and create a path forward. And you are the one that is going to be walking that path because it’s your life, it’s your outcomes. And coaching culture is very much centered around personal responsibility in a way that can feel very different from this passive culture that therapy can breed.

I just wanted to put that out there. If it feels like you are working harder than your clients, that could be one of the reasons why. And then very lastly, I’ll just mention this briefly and because this is something that can always come up and we all need to have visibility into our own self of therapist issues because they’re so real.

And I think, even as. healthy, happy people who have done a lot of our growth work. The one super cool thing about our shared profession is that it always continually gives us more and more opportunities to continue learning and growing professionally, but like our own personal growth stuff gets tied into that.

And this can come up when it feels like we’re putting more energy or have more motivation for a client to be making changes than it seems like they do. Sometimes we are subconsciously imposing our own values and desires onto our clients if we might feel very uncomfortable if we were living in their life circumstances.

It can even subconsciously lead to this feeling of anxiety or sense of urgency around their own change process. And I know that we all need to be reflective and be monitoring our own thoughts and feelings, but this can come up really in so many different ways, particularly the larger the gap around culture and shared life experiences, the more likely we are to be subconsciously feeling some of that.

And just a gentle reminder of how easy it is for us. To project our preferences, our values, our desires onto other people, onto our clients, but as a reminder, how much that can hinder their process. And our job always is to be helping our clients discover their truth and then support them in moving towards that rather than even subconsciously directing them according to our own beliefs.

Or standards or preferences, and that’s true, whether we’re doing psychotherapy or coaching for that matter. What we need to be doing is getting really curious about who they are and what they want, and be their number one fan in helping them create their ideal outcomes. So clarity.

This all really comes back to clarity. It’s the key to good therapy and also good coaching. If we become complacent or if we become overly activated, if we don’t have a good clear case conceptualization or a solid path forward, it can become fuzzy for everyone involved and it becomes easy for us to start to feel frustrated like progress.

Isn’t being made, even though it feels like we’re putting a lot into it. Oftentimes it’s by taking a step back and focusing on getting clarity around what’s really going on and what really needs to happen. That’s when things can shift and responsibility goes back to where it really belongs. We are responsible to be trustworthy process guides and to provide leadership in either coaching or therapy, and of course.

Have the responsibility lie where it ultimately rests, which is on our clients to move towards the outcome, the life space and at the right pace that they want and deserve. As long as we’re openly discussing all the options and presenting pros and cons of pursuing different paths and empowering our clients to make informed decisions along their journey, that is when we are operating with transparency, honesty, and trustworthiness.

That helps correct that. Passive dynamic that can happen in therapy and really breeds the kind of ownership and personal responsibility that makes this work. So I hope that this conversation was helpful for you today, especially if you’ve been feeling that eh, around, I’m working harder than my clients.

I this is a common, we all feel it. I’m glad that we spent this time together to think about some of the why behind it, but also just, encouragement and support for you because. Again, this is also one of these things that if left unattended or if you start feeling this way with a lot of different clients, it can start to lead to burnout in us.

It can feel energetically draining, frustrating. The opposite of joy. And you deserve to feel joy. You deserve to have love, happiness, and success in this profession. So I hope this was helpful for you. And if you’d like more, I hope you come to my website, come to growingself.com forward slash therapist.

I have a whole section of my website there that is just for you. There is a bunch of supportive informational articles on different facets of, the art, craft and life experience of the professional path of being a therapist. That’s all there for you. You’ll find other episodes of this podcast.

Some short videos that I’ve created and also you’ll get access to assessment that I created for you. It’s called How to Flourish and Thrive as a Therapist. And so you’ll answer a bunch of questions and it’ll provide you with feedback, insight, clarity around what dimensions of your. Personal slash professional life that might be helpful to focus on in order for you to flourish and thrive in this career.

Because it’s a challenging career, right? It’s rewarding. But if we’re not going about this with intention and with a lot of self-awareness of our own, it can be more difficult than it has to be. So I hope that you take advantage of those resources that I’ve put together for you. All right. That’s all for today, but thanks again for spending this time with me and I’ll be back in touch next week with another episode of Love, happiness, and Success for Therapists.