Why Therapy Clients Ghost

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby:   It seems like things are moving right along with a client you really enjoy working with, and then they ghost, they stop returning your messages. They don’t show up for their appointment, and you are left wondering what. Happened. We have all been there having therapy clients that ghost us. And this is a difficult situation, right?

It can be hard, personally, it can hurt our feelings. We have stuff come up around it. But it can also be a really important part of professional growth and a real opportunity for us to dig in and do some reflection. Also to understand why these things happen in the first place, I think can be really important when it comes to our long-term.

Well-being in this shared profession of ours so that we can take steps to manage it, hopefully, proactively, and lessen the likelihood that it will happen. Although it will always happen a little bit no matter what. That’s part of the experience of being a therapist for better or for worse. But that’s what we’ve come here together to talk about today.

And if this is your first time joining me, I’m just so happy you’re here. I’m Dr. Lisa Marie Bobbie. I’m the founder of Growing Self-Counseling and Coaching. I myself. I’m a licensed psychologist. I’m a marriage family therapist. I’m also a board certified coach. I served as a clinical director of my practice.

I am a clinical. Supervisor for pre-licensed clinicians and the long-time host of a different podcast, the Love, happiness, and Success Podcast, which I started doing for the benefit of civilians and seeking to make positive changes in their life, career themselves, and relationships. And because of the work that I do in my practice at Growing Self has been.

So focused and centered on the well-being of clinicians, because that’s my real mission, I believe if we’re taking care of clinicians and supporting them, supporting you, your wellness, your well-being your personal and professional development. That’s how this works. Healthy, happy clinicians do wonderful work with their clients, and I genuinely believe that we have heroically chosen a uniquely challenging career path in some ways.

And so I’ve devoted, most of my career really to helping therapists in this way. And then had this thought where I was like, I should be doing a podcast for therapists. So here we are. And welcome. I’m so glad you’re here. And as I mentioned today we’re talking about why clients ghost and what’s going on with that, and also what to do about it.

And I wanted to talk about this because it is a topic of frequent conversation. In my practice or with my supervisees, with colleagues. It happens to all of us. It is part of the experience, but it’s just one of those like difficult things that I think can be challenging for us to wrap our heads around and for us to navigate.

So I figured we should talk about it on today’s show. I think the first thing we should talk about to. Set the foundation for today’s conversation is how trust factors into our work with clients. Trust is the foundation upon which we build our bridge to the soul of another meaning that when our clients choose to embark on this transformative journey with us, they are placing their trust in our hands.

And sometimes along the way, whether or not we are aware of it at the time that bridge, that trust starts to feel shaky for them. And because of that, they might step back. They might stop showing up to sessions, they might ghost us, and then we’re just left with questions. And oftentimes a lot of concern, right?

Are they okay? What happened? Did I do something? What did I miss? And it’s just very challenging. But I believe that the central issue related to this always does come back to trust. And by understanding that it allows us to work with it differently. So our primary goal is to first and foremost create a sanctuary in the relationship that we have with our clients.

An emotionally safe, authentic relationship that is just full of warmth, acceptance, unconditional positive regard, right? Our clients need to feel seen, heard, understood. And as part of that, it is crucial for us to be broaching regularly, heart-to-heart conversations with them about how this is going, how it’s feeling for them, and helping them talk about dark emotions related to their work with you that they may.

Not broach themselves. They may not trust the relationship. They might worry that something bad would happen or that it wouldn’t matter anyway. Whatever their inner narrative is. But to have courageous conversations about their feelings, about the process, about you, about me, about this journey together that we’re going on.

It’s a very important part of building and sustaining trust in these relationships that we have, and remembering that our capacity to be open and receptive to feedback, even when it’s hard, is also part of what builds trust in these relationships. And also gives us an opportunity to grow These conversations can transform us in addition to allowing our therapeutic relationships to grow and to flourish.

And so by asking clients frequently. Every session, open their hearts, share their true feelings about the therapy process, their progress. Is this working for you? How is it feeling? And giving them opportunities to talk about that and openly acknowledging that there are many different ways to go about this.

I have so many different modalities at my disposal. I operate different. Ways with different clients because different people need different things for me, and I want to be that for you, but I can’t do that unless I know how this is feeling and what you need. And so simply by making it a practice to broach those kinds of conversations.

You’re proactively talking about things that you might not know otherwise. That could be barriers to their continued relationship with you and could contribute to ghosting if that’s not, being discussed. So that is really important to consider. Additionally. When we do this, we also have opportunities to talk to clients about their relational patterns that they might be bringing into the therapeutic relationship with us, like avoidance, passive-aggressive tendencies.

They may have constructed a narrative about us that is. Untrue. That’s, classic psychoanalytic projection kinds of things, but. Understanding their feelings about their work with us and the factors that could contribute to ghosting is part of how we can crack into that and have conversations about their patterns and how those patterns are showing up in their relationships with us.

So our first job, of course, is to recognize these patterns, but also. Broach them and use the relationship and the experiences that we’re having with our clients in an emotionally safe way that gives them the opportunity for reflection, for authentic feedback from you, but also strengthens that trust in the relationship that it’s okay to be talking about things, helping them understand that this is part of the work, the feelings that you are having about me as your therapist.

Our talking about that is part of how this works. They don’t know unless we’re saying that out loud. So I think that is a piece of understanding ghosting in therapy clients, but also, how we are operating generally in ways that can not just minimize that from happening, but really open the door to a very rich chapter in our relationships with our clients.

Of course, in order to do this, we need to foster a culture of emotional safety, emotional communication, open communication, and again, being receptive and non-defensive. If your client is telling you something that maybe you didn’t know about how they’re experiencing you, that you would like. I didn’t know that we have to take it in.

And then hopefully use that as a tool for our own growth work of professional development and deeper understanding, not just of them, but also of ourselves, right? That’s one idea and one strategy. And then there’s also another reality that we need to talk about, which is that there are also times when client ghost US Therapy clients ghost coming from moments of Disconnection in our therapeutic relationship.

Like as an a rupture, it could be that we made a miss mistake. Step, we offended them, crossed a boundary, or were conducting our practice with them in a way that felt bad for them. They maybe were feeling emotionally overwhelmed or threatened, I’ve had this experience with myself and with many other therapists, that we are extremely comfortable in talking about difficult things.

We are very familiar with the darkness and we’re used to talking about things that most people don’t talk about, right? And so I think it can be easy for us to forget how. Challenging and different and really sometimes even threatening, engaging in a relationship with somebody like us can be, we go deep.

That’s good for us. Other people is different. And so even just to be recognizing that and very aware of that. Because if we’re not, it can create ruptures that we don’t even know about until it’s too late. And I’ve certainly had this happen to me when I’m going too fast or too far or, being more direct than maybe I should have been given, the situation have made missteps and have had clients who did not like that and ended their relationship with me because of it.

And in these moments, I have found immense. Value in my own circle of support, my, my own consultation group, colleagues that I love and trust, and I think that’s why it’s so vitally important for us as therapists to have safe spaces to share our stories without fear of judgment or criticism or shame, right?

But with other people who have also been there, who can. Certainly commiserate, but also ideally provide us with feedback. Helping us see our blind spots to help us learn and grow because of going through these opportunities. And so that’s why it’s so incredibly important to have a mentor, a consultation group, a consultation partner, whatever it is that can help us really.

Develop that ability, first of all to have a safe place where it’s okay to make mistakes and have that be acknowledged and validated just as part of our own emotional self-care, but also have support in using these moments as very important personal and professional growth opportunities that sometimes can be difficult to crack into if you’re just on our, your own.

It can be very easy to be like, they’ve always been avoided or whatever, blame the client for XYZ or they just, they couldn’t afford it. Whatever it is, those things might be true and it’s also just so important for us to think and. Was there something that I could have done differently?

Again, not in a shaming self-blaming or self-recriminating way, we are here to promote growth and evolution in the clients that we seek to serve. And we need to be doing that for ourselves too. And taking feedback or thinking about our own process is the way to do that for ourselves.

Those could be two reasons why clients ghost, and there is also another, and I think that this is probably one of the most common and also the most invisible reasons why clients will ghost. Coming back to that original idea of trust, right? Our clients are coming to us with hope in their hearts. They’re investing their time, their energy, their trust.

Their money with the hope of transformation. They are here for a reason and if there comes a point where they feel stuck or that they are not going anywhere, there is nothing happening for them. As a result of our their work with us, they will begin to question the value of our sessions together. So what that means for us is that first of all, that’s valid.

We are here for a reason. We’re not just here to talk to them and be their friends, right? It’s, we are here in a trusted relationship that is for the purpose of creating some kind of transformation in their lives or in their selves. And if they are not having that experience, particularly if there are private practice clients.

Why should they keep doing this with us? And so what that means is that we need to remain present, very engaged, and consistently aligning our therapeutic approach with their needs and goals and hopes and desires. So we are. Truly a process guide. We are here to help them go somewhere else, and that means that we need to be providing them with clarity, direction, support that is effective, and having conversations about that so that we know if they’re experiencing value from their time with us or not.

Because again, they’re investing. I. More, more than money even. They’re investing their hearts opening up to us and also have an opportunity that, we need to respect, like this is their opportunity to make changes in themselves and their lives and they deserve to see progress and value in return.

So what our job is to make sure that every session we are being clear in our case, conceptualizations. We have a shared understanding of what, where we are, where we’re going with the path forward is so that we really are the trustworthy guides that we. Need to be for our clients and also, challenging ourselves.

Do I have the right tools in my toolkit to help this person? Am I utilizing a modality that is research-backed, that I am confident? Is helping me understand what’s going on with this person and also helping me create a path forward for them to follow. We cannot do the work for our clients, but our job really is to help them understand what the work is so that they can do it.

And if those things aren’t happening it is difficult for clients to be experiencing. Value above and beyond, enjoying spending time with you, which is also not why we’re here. So these are important things to consider. And again, this can be, I think, difficult to reflect on as therapists because.

Yeah. Who wants to think about that? But again, why it’s so important to have an emotionally safe of, professional support group around you who you could have conversations like this with and who could say that? Tell me more about what was happening in there. And help you get a perspective and insight into why.

Why your client did actually drop out and what might have been going on? Were they experiencing value? Were you talking about that or not? And just all the things related to that. And then very lastly, along those lines. I will share a personal story. Early in my career, I did a marriage and family therapy program, became licensed as a marriage and family therapist, then went back to school, became a licensed psychologist, and was very deeply immersed in the art, science and craft of therapy, marriage and family therapy, individual psychotherapy and all for the good.

And. What I subsequently learned over the course of my fairly long at this point career is that different people really need different things and traditional therapy I. May not always be the best path to help our clients really make the changes that they’re seeking and move forward, particularly high-functioning people who are not coming in for mental health.

Treatment. They want to create transformation in other parts of their lives. They wanna feel like they’re growing personally. They want to, feel more in control of their lives or create a different life trajectory for themselves. They want better relationships with other people, right? What we are taught how to do in counseling school as therapists.

Is helping people create insight and to go back into the past and process old things and, make connections between history and the present. And that’s all fine. But really, therapy is for the diagnosis and treatment of mental health conditions. And, the goal of traditional therapy is healing.

It is the restoration of functioning. It is. Restoring health, emotional health, mental health, and that is not the same thing as helping people make real and lasting change in their lives. That is what coaching is for. That is why after all this traditional education, I wound up becoming certified as a coach because I got to the limits of how I could help people through therapy and understood that coaching was really a more fitting and effective path for many of the people that I was working with.

And so by embracing coaching as a modality and using it. Responsibly and as a licensed mental health professional who you know has a strong foundation, but then applying coaching psychology and coaching frameworks on top of that, by becoming certified as a coach, I was much more. Able to continue providing very meaningful and felt value to my clients that I would not have been able to as a therapist.

And so part of my practice now what I’m doing is assessing what does this person really need? And certainly if there’s mental health stuff going on, or old unfinished business, we spend time on. Therapy 100%. But I’m also very aware of the limitations of that and that people who really need and would benefit from coaching will feel frustrated with therapy like it’s.

It’s not working. They’re spinning their wheels. They still feel stuck. They understand why they have these feelings. Yes, my dad was a critical jerk, and so I understand XYZ, but that still doesn’t change the fact that this is how I’m operating in my life. And so it’s really embracing a coaching model that.

I think has allowed me to successfully maintain high-value relationships with clients who are getting a lot out of our work-togethers, because I know, you know what which tool to apply in which situation. And so I just wanted to share that with you, recognizing that traditional therapy may not be the best fit for everyone, particularly high-functioning clients who are not coming in with treatment goals, with disorders, right?

Is really crucial. Because people who are on a path of growth or change it’s more suitable, it’s more effective. And it creates the value that they’re looking for that helps them stay engaged with you. So I’ll just share personally that my becoming certified as a coach has really enhanced my practice and the outcomes for my clients.

Providing one with the support that they need to thrive. And just to share, because I have become so passionate about coaching and I understand how much value it has to offer, and also how few therapists. Really understand and practice coaching, which has unfortunately become commandeered by coaches who do not have the education and training that we have.

I think in some ways it’s gotten a bad reputation because, it’s a totally unregulated profession. You don’t need any. Education or credentialing to be a coach. And I think because of that it’s gotten a little bit of a iffy reputation. So one of my goals is to reclaim coaching for therapists and really help support therapists.

I. Therapists and their ability to understand and practice coaching as a very powerful modality in its own right for the benefit of their clients, but also for the benefit of themselves. Because coaching is really fun, I have to say. It is. And so I have developed a number of coaching certification programs for therapists.

They are not. Available for people who don’t have prior degrees in counseling or related field and who are licensed or licensure eligible as therapists. It’s only for us, but if you’re interested in becoming certified as a coach and going through a coaching program that has a deep respect for what we know as therapists.

And is also based in evidence-based psychology and counseling practices, but then repurposed and utilized in a coaching framework. This program could be for you. So if you’d like to learn more about that, you can come to my website, growingself.com Therapists, and actually on that page, I have so many free resources for you.

You can certainly learn more about my coach credentialing programs, but I. You can also access all kinds of different podcasts that I made for you articles about all kinds of different topics that we’re facing around, our professional conundrums, self of therapist issues, professional development, career path decisions, there’s.

So much stuff for you and I created a free assessment. It’s how to flourish and Thrive as a therapist and taking this assessment will give you insight into yourself. It will ask a bunch of questions and will illuminate the obstacles that are currently. Maybe getting in the way of your joy as a therapist, so it will illuminate like whether or not you need to invest more heavily in your self care or whether or not you may need more of a community around you than you have right now.

It can also give you visibility into whether or not professional development might be in your future, or even something as. Simple as understanding that there’s I don’t wanna say simple, it never is, but self of therapist, growth opportunities that really need to be explored and worked through. So come to Growingself.com forward slash therapist, you find that assessment, take the quiz, get your results, and also recommendations on the action steps that will help you in your journey of growth, love, happiness, and success because we both know that you deserve that too.

So I hope today’s conversation was helpful for you, and I’ll be back in touch next week with another episode. Talk to you later.