Why You Shouldn’t Fear Being ‘Single Forever’ 

Lisa Marie Bobby:

I’m going to die alone. I’m never going to find my person. I’m going to be single forever. If you are dating and struggling to find your person, I bet this thought has crossed your mind at some point because it’s really, really common and it can be very, It’s scary and indulging this kind of mindset can actually be an obstacle to creating the type of healthy relationship you seek.

And even if you’re in a relationship, fears of being alone can lead you to stay in a relationship that really needs to end. So there’s a lot here to unpack and that’s why we’re talking about it on today’s episode. I hope. Is by the end of our time together today, you have a new perspective on what fears of being alone are really all about and how you can not just manage them, but do some very important growth work that will improve your life.

improve the way you feel and also set you up to create the kind of connection that you want and deserve.

Ty Siegel is a genius. This is a song, So Alone, which I chose for obvious reasons. Um, and also just because I wanted to share it with you because it’s awesome. Ty Siegel is on tour at the time of this recording. You can learn all about it on his Bandcamp page. tysegall. bandcamp. com I’m so glad we’re here together today.

If this is your first time listening to the show. I’m dr. Lisa Marie Bobby I’m the founder of growing self counseling and coaching. I’m a licensed marriage family therapist specializing in relationships I’m also a licensed psychologist which gives me a lot of insight into mental health as well as personal growth types of factors.

And I am also a board certified coach, meaning that I am all about charting a course for What growth and improvement actually involves and talking about the strategies, mindsets, behaviors that are actually going to get you where you want to go. That’s what my practice growing self is all about. We specialize in love, happiness, and success.

And on this podcast, every week, we’re talking about your questions that you’ve written to me with your. Topic suggestions that you have for me, but all related to how to create more love, happiness, and success in your life. And that is what we’re doing today. So on today’s episode, as I mentioned, I really want to address this extremely common fear that many people have about Winding up alone.

Um, so in my practice, you know, specializing in healthy relationships, certainly a lot of this is couples counseling, but we’re also working with a lot of people who are, you know, healing after a breakup and, and eventually, you know, moving into a space where maybe they’re ready to get out there and start dating again.

But we have a lot of people who just like, I need to have healthier relationships with my family, with my friends, maybe with a partner, like let’s dig into my patterns. And then certainly we do a lot of. dating coaching. Um, you know, we’re doing this a little bit differently. We’re not just helping people like, all right, here’s what to wear on a first date.

Let’s take a look at your dating profile. Although that can certainly become, you know, part of it. But what we’re really doing is how do we help you understand what’s going on? What has been getting in your way historically of creating the kinds of healthy relationships that you want so that you can do very important growth work that will allow you to develop into the kind of person who can, can connect with and form a healthy and enduring relationship with your ideal person.

Um, that. That you can build a life with. So that’s kind of the approach that we’re taking. And so through all of these different domains, work with couples or certainly breakups or dating coaching, there is often this, this thread, this, uh, theme, this undercurrent of anxiety that sounds like, what if I die alone?

What if I never find my person? This existential fear of, of disconnection, really, as I mentioned, this fear can absolutely lead people to stay in relationships that are not Good for them. Sometimes these relationships can be repaired when that’s possible. You know, we can do that. But um on more than one occasion One of the biggest obstacles to somebody Leaving a toxic relationship that should end is that fear?

I’ll never find anybody else. I’ll be alone forever this is the best I can do and I That’s a problem. That mindset is a problem. Additionally, uh, people going through a breakup, whether or not they’re the one that initiated the breakup, that can oftentimes be one of the biggest pain points from the entire thing is, I thought this was my person.

I thought that this relationship was going to be the one and I’m so devastated that it’s not. But in addition to the grief that I have for this relationship, I’m now what’s really keeping me up at night is this this fear that I’m actually never going to find my person. The thought of going back out there again as a single, like rebuilding and starting over is the last thing I want to do.

And what if it doesn’t work? Right. And then of course, people who are single and dating and who want to find their person, but who are just, you know, feeling like they’re not connecting, they’re not getting traction, even if they’re going on dates. So try to find people, I guess, never quite clicking. That’s the anxiety.

When, when am I going to find my person and what if I don’t? So this is very common and let’s just pause for a moment to normalize this. Um, many times people that I speak with about this experience. Um, have a lot of shame around this, like, um, not realizing that a lot of people feel this way. And so even I think just knowing that helps them feel better, like, okay, it’s not just me.

So I just wanted to say that out loud to you in case it is helpful to you as well. Um, but, you know, I think the other thing that, that isn’t often discussed Is how, um, this mindset, this fear can impact your day to day mental and emotional well being as well as the quality of the relationships that you’re engaged in or trying to be engaged in, for example, I mean, People who have this fear is often quite persistent and intrusive.

It’s not, you know, just something that’s floating through their minds once every day or three, they wake up thinking about it. It’s this yammering, like you’re going to die alone, like throughout their day, right? And it’s, it’s, um, intrusive, it occupies a lot of their head space and it takes them out of the present moment as they’re going through their life.

They’re often. Yes, but you’re going to die alone, like at work as they’re going out places. So, I mean, like it’s, it’s a active anxiety, I guess. And so it, it, uh, deprives them of the ability to really feel okay and enjoy life. Their lives as it exists in the here and now because of this preoccupation feels it’s just like this constant thing and the other piece of this, in addition to sort of feeling, um, uncomfortable in life because of these persistent thoughts, it can also drive behaviors that actually Perpetuate loneliness and isolation on the one hand, people who have those fears may settle for relationships that really aren’t, um, going to be healthy or enduring relationships because of that fear.

And so then what happens is that, you know, getting into relationships that are not going to be sustainable. So they’re cycling through short term relationships, which then. reinforce this idea that I’m never going to find my person. That can be a difficult thing. Um, but it also can change the way we engage with relationships.

So, um, singles who are dating and who have a lot of fear of being alone, like I need to find my person and I’m worried that I It can lead to difficulties with being authentic, um, or vulnerable. It can also lead to, um, a kind of intensity when it comes to dating and that. Doesn’t feel good to the people on the other side of that equation, it can, you know, it doesn’t, it doesn’t feel fun.

It feels like a desperation driven by this need to partner with, with someone, um, that needs. Can push away people who may otherwise be very interested in in having a relationship, but they they feel that anxiety that that desperation. And so it again turns into the self fulfilling prophecy many times without people really realizing they’re engaging in that.

Um, But lastly, I think it can also the, the, this preoccupation with, I need to be with somebody or else I will die alone can contribute to an other focusedness that creates a sense of disconnection inside of people around, here’s what I really want and what I really need and how I really feel because they’re a Really very just like laser beam focused on connecting with a person who, you know, fits the sort of general description and, uh, that can also be a big obstacle in developing the kind of healthy and enduring relationship that you want to be in.

So those are the problems. And now let’s talk about the good news. And I think that, uh, it’s important just to say out loud that facing this fear and really walking all the way through it and out the other side, it It is so liberating, and I think it opens up the door for so much freedom and fulfillment.

Um, it can be scary work to do, because I think many people do not want to be alone. And this comes from a very, um, understandable and appropriate exploration of their own values, right? I think. Thank you. A recognition of the fact that people are really built to bond. We are made to be in relationship with other people.

And so the idea of making peace with, yes, maybe I will be single for the rest of my life can feel very, um, unhelpful. The reaction is, but that is not what I want. And that’s okay, but I think the difference here is that to be plagued by an anxiety. Is different than being motivated by a desire. So for example, when we have a fear that says, I’m going to be single forever, I’m going to die alone.

We start running from that anxiety. It feels like we’re being chased by wolves and it leads us to do all the things that I was just talking about before. To be able to make an intentional shift into a new mindset of, I really want to be in a healthy and enduring relationship, I really want to find the person that I can build a life with, it is important for me to find my partner, and I feel very motivated to make that happen.

That is a mindset that we can move towards. It is positive. It is motivating. It has like, uh, a trajectory associated with it. And it also provides clarity around. So, so what do I need to do if that is actually really important to me? And it might sound weird to make that distinction. But when I dive into this kind of work with my clients, that’s often what I find at the bottom of it.

An unproductive rumination on a scary catastrophic thought that can be transformed into a highly motivating motivating values based mindset is like, no, this is actually really what I want. And it’s very important for me to have this. And I can, and I will. Totally different thing. So I just wanted to offer that to you.

It can be challenging to make that kind of cognitive shift, particularly if you’ve been in kind of like an anxiety loop. Um, it can be very helpful to work with a good therapist or dating coach, like the Windsor growing self, who can help you do that deeper work around how to shift your mindset, which will shift your Inner experience, and then we’ll allow you to kind of move forward in a less fear based way that will help you better results.

So, um, the next piece of this is to understand that if you desire to have a healthy relationship. Um, there, there comes another growth mindset component. And the growth mindset is one that says, I am learning and growing and developing myself. And, um, the more I work at this, the better I’m going to get just because I haven’t figured this out yet.

It doesn’t mean that I can’t right. Lots of people have healthy relationships. I can too, right? And so it’s beginning this new dialogue, a growth mindset based self talk that allows you to feel more empowered and more able to create the kinds of outcomes that you want and to consider the possibility that Maybe there’s some reasons why you haven’t found your person yet.

When I crack into this with people who have felt frustrated about the way that things are going with their dating experience, when we really come in and take a clear eyed assessment of what has been going on, uh, what have you been doing? Let’s crack into some of the, the relationships that you’ve been in.

How did they start? Where are you meeting people? What’s happening next? What I often find. Is that people are operating in ways, some usually subconsciously that are creating the outcomes that they are experiencing, which are not the outcomes that they want a super simple example. You know, a client who’s like, I am so afraid I’m going to die alone.

This is my biggest fear. It keeps me up at night. Um, and in the same conversation. And I am in a job where I’m working 80 hours a week. I don’t do anything else. I’m completely exhausted on the weekends. All I want to do is sleep and watch TV. So no, I’m not actually, you know, dating because like what they think they want is a healthy relationship and that requires a process to be able to, you know, like do the work of finding a good person.

I mean, dating is a lot of work. Um, So saying, this is my most important life goal. This is my life value. This is what I think I want. But upon exploration, actually I am prioritizing my career over these other things. Um, but they haven’t been doing it consciously. They’ve been doing it subconsciously. Once that realization happens, then Perhaps can make some corrections to the way they’re running their lives and saying, you know, what is the most important thing in the world to me is to be in a healthy relationship.

Maybe I am not currently on a career trajectory that’s conducive to that. So I need to make some changes that opens up space in my life. For me to create the kind of reality that I want. That’s a very, very simple example. Oftentimes it goes much, much more deeply into this. Um, there are all kinds of reasons why people are attracted to certain people that sometimes are to their benefit, sometimes not, there are ways of relating and engaging that.

Or sometimes to our benefit, sometimes not. And so it’s really worth exploration and unpacking into and not, not in a blaming shame based way, but uh, what are the actual obstacles to me, Having been able to get what I want in the past, and where can I learn and grow? How can I try things differently and start experimenting with new ways of being that might actually help me attain the outcomes that I desire?

I’m not running. I’m not being chased by wolves, but I am intentionally moving towards my ideal reality. And, you know. Doing the work of the hard work, oftentimes of making the internal changes that will allow that to happen is what it can look like, but, um, we can’t collapse in a heap of anxiety. If we want to grow in order to grow, we need to feel confident.

We need to feel able and that requires a different mindset. So, how to change your mindset, that can be a lot of work in and of itself, um, identifying the negative stories, identifying, you know, the thoughts that you’re habitually telling yourself, noticing how those are making you feel right. And then asking yourself, is that feeling getting me where I want to go?

Is it leading to positive outcomes or not? And then truly, I mean, you know, we’re drawing from cognitive therapy right now, experimenting with different mindsets and noticing if they make you feel a little bit better or a little bit worse. And the ones that make you feel a little bit better, practicing those deliberately over and over again until they feel more ingrained.

Um, It can also be worth unpacking some of the core beliefs you have about being single and what that means because that can also help defuse some of the anxiety. Uh, it is an absolutely appropriate life choice to be a, Person who does not have a life partner and has a beautiful life. Lots of friends, meaning time and energy to do things that they find valuable and interesting.

Um, many people have built beautiful lives without one partner and that is absolutely okay. Do you believe that’s okay? Even theoretically, like it doesn’t have to be okay for you. You don’t need to want that lifestyle. But do you have judgment around what it means to be single that you might be projecting on other single people and also on yourself, right?

So like cracking into some of that. Is that person unlovable? Is that person worth less than a partnered person? What is the meaning that you attribute to a single person versus a partnered person? Like what is attached to that cracking into those core beliefs? And really considering them because, you know, a lot of the beliefs that we hold that the color, our perceptions, the color, our thoughts and our feelings are not really known to us.

They just sort of automatically happen in the background, but to be able to unearth those core beliefs and then challenge them can be really, really useful. Again, you can say my value system and my life goals involve finding a partner at some point. Bye bye. That’s cool. That is also the different than I believe that single people are shameful and not worthy of love and respect.

Like, That is not true. So let’s just like break into that a little bit so that you can adjust it and just be aware if those automatic core beliefs are happening and creating a new narrative about what it means to be single and then practicing some of that new narrative on yourself, reminding yourself that even though you desire to be in a relationship, your worth and value as a person are not contingent on your relationship.

Status and that it is entirely possible to have a very meaningful, fulfilling life full of love. Um, even if you don’t have one primary romantic relationship, and also that only you get to decide how meaningful or worthy your life. Is that has nothing to do with whether or not you’re partnered. So, you know, just constructing a new, more supportive and helpful mental narrative can make it feel a lot differently internally, even if you.

Would desire to build a different future. You can still be 100 percent okay. In the present moment of the here and now, as you’re working. on creating a different outcome going forward. Additionally, another very important strategy that is often overlooked. I mean, as I mentioned in the beginning of this, this podcast, humans really are built to bond.

We are a collective species and we have, you know, there are not just, Emotional and psychological desires to be connected to other people, but like biologically based systems that are there to connect with other humans. And I think that even a cultural construct is that the only one of those bonds that matter is the one that we have with a primary partner.

This is my person that I’m building a life with. Um, Which, you know, may or may not be valid. You look at a lot of collectivist cultures that have more of a tribal villager sort of mentality, and that might not be the only way to do this. I’m just going to say that out loud. So, the other piece of this that we can mobilize is developing strong and meaningful connections with a variety of people.

Your family. developing friendships. And there are many ways to have truly deep, emotionally intimate connections that are loving, that are caring, that are enduring. And that the more of these that we have, the less vital it becomes to have the one and only, right? It’s, we spread it out a little bit. Thank you.

Not that you might not want to have a primary partner, that’s okay, but it will take away some of that, uh, desperation that like, I need to have this one person in the center of my life because I don’t really have anything else. That’s worth looking at. How do we develop the anything, everything else that might actually be a lot easier and more realistic to do in the short term that will nourish and sustain and fulfill you as you are doing the work of developing in ways that will allow you to create this primary relationship in your future.

Um, in addition to fulfilling relationships, it’s also worth just exploring what else in your life is creating meaning and satisfaction in addition to relationships with other people, what is the quality of the relationship that you’re having with yourself? What does self love look like for you? What is your internal narrative?

What are the things that you’re doing to care for, support? Nurture, entertain yourself, right, that all matters and strengthening that relationship with yourself can again, meet some of those needs, but also, you know, taking, taking stock of what else is in my life. Do I do? Have things that I’m passionate about that I care a lot about do I have hobbies do I have interests?

What is not just my vocation but my avocation right do I have? Spirituality am I plugged into you know, maybe not one on one relationships with other people, but like even a community that feels fulfilling. The degree to which we can build meaning, connection, purpose in multidimensional ways in many parts of our lives in a way that feels robust and fulfilling.

It’s like it, um, Strengthens all these other domains of life and domains of self so that the finding of one primary partner, while it might not, that desire might not go away, it just becomes less, um, less of a driving need, less fear, less anxiety about what will happen to me if I don’t. Actually, I have a great life either way.

And paradoxically, just going to say this, the degree to which you are happy and engaged and connected with other people and other things and enjoying your life and having a good time will paradoxically By definition, be putting you into contact with all kinds of interesting people who may share similar values and interests that you do and who might be very interested to meet you.

So, you know, volunteering, being engaged in things, going out, enjoying your life, will put you into contact with possible partners, not that that needs to be the goal, but just saying, and also being in a good space where you feel happy, fulfilled, engaged, um, excited, passionate, like, let me tell you about all these cool things I’m doing.

Oh, my super cool friend. And here’s what was happening. You know, it makes you more interesting to talk to. It makes you more exciting to be around when you have more stuff going on. It makes you feel more. confident. It also allows you to, I think, feel more, um, able to be authentic and genuine and like yourself, like, yeah, this is who I am.

And here’s what I’m doing, which also makes you incredibly attractive to other people who might want to hear all about that. Because going back to the very beginning of our conversation, Pretty much everybody who is single and who doesn’t want to be single has this fear of, when am I going to find my person?

I don’t want to be alone. And so chances are like nine times out of 10, if you are having a conversation with another single person, they probably harbor the same fears that you do, and they’re also looking at you and thinking, Could this be my person? Maybe. And you know, the more stuff that you have going on, the happier, engaged, more well, and I don’t know, vibrant that you are because you have built up yourself, your life, other relationships, and you are like, yeah, I am on a good trajectory.

I’m doing what I need to do. You know, You’re a catch. So I’ll just leave us on that note. I hope that this discussion has been helpful for you today. I hope it’s given you some perspective shifts that help you move away from anxiety and move towards motivation. Um, and offered you some strategies for how to challenge some of those beliefs and develop yourself in your life so that you have a better shot of creating the outcomes that you want.

If you would like more on this topic, I have so much more for you. Um, come to my website, growingself. com. I have a whole content collection around, well, multiple content collections on healthy relationships, on self esteem. Steam on dating on breakup recovery, touching on many of the different facets that we’ve talked about today.

So come to growingself. com the blog and podcast tab is the one you want. And then from there you can start browsing around collections. You can come to the, the happiness collection. Uh, to learn more about self esteem, self confidence, self love, come into the love collection for a whole cluster of articles related to, um, dating, the dating experience, but also, you know, healing after heartbreak, because as we’ve discussed, this can also oftentimes be very much a part of the experience.

And then, you know, one thing that we didn’t talk about as much today was, um, how the fears about. Uh, being alone can contribute to people staying stuck in toxic relationships. Well, that wasn’t something that we dove into as much on today’s episode. I have a whole content collection on the subject of toxic relationships.

It has articles that I’ve written, podcasts that I’ve recorded on the subject. And so if you’re feeling like that’s more where the action is for you, I would invite you to check that out and take advantage of it. All of the resources that I have for you at growing self. And of course, if you, um, feel motivated to do any of this deep growth work, after listening to this today, you’re always welcome to reach out to me, um, or my practice, uh, growing self, uh, to, to request a free consultation meeting with one of our dating coaches, breakup recovery coaches, or therapists.

To talk about your growth work, what you need to do and how we can, uh, walk with you alongside you’re doing that. All right. That’s all for today. My friends. I’ll be back in touch soon with another episode, love, happiness, and success until then. Take care.