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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is a licensed psychologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified coach, AAMFT clinical supervisor, host of the Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast and founder of Growing Self.
What if the guilt you’ve been trying to silence is actually the part of you that cares the most about your relationships? And listening to it can help you have stronger, more secure relationships?
We spend so much time trying to get rid of guilt – telling ourselves to move on, stop overthinking, or toughen up. But what if guilt isn’t the problem? What if, instead of being something to escape, it’s something to listen to?
At Growing Self Counseling and Coaching, we see guilt as a doorway to growth. In this week’s Love, Happiness and Success podcast, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby talks with psychologist Dr. Chris Moore, whose research offers a powerful reframe: guilt isn’t a flaw in your emotional system – it’s a feature. It exists to help you repair relationships, reconnect with empathy, and realign your behavior with your deepest values. You can also learn more about this through our coaching program on emotional intelligence.
Why Guilt Is Actually Good for You
When you feel guilty, you’re not being “too emotional.” You’re being human. According to Dr. Moore, guilt is what he calls a “cocktail emotion” – a mix of empathy, anxiety, and self-directed frustration. It shows up when you care about someone, you’ve hurt them (or think you have), and you wish you could make it right.
That combination is what motivates us to apologize, repair, and do better next time. Guilt isn’t meant to shame or paralyze you; it’s meant to guide you back into connection. When you learn how to deal with guilt in a healthy way, it can actually strengthen your relationships rather than damage them.
Guilt vs. Shame: One Heals, the Other Hurts
Many people confuse guilt with shame. The difference might sound subtle, but it’s everything.
- Guilt says, “I did something that hurt someone, and I want to make it right.”
- Shame says, “I am bad, and I don’t deserve love.”
Shame turns your focus inward and traps you in self-criticism. Guilt, when it’s balanced, turns your attention outward – toward healing, repair, and empathy. Understanding shame vs guilt helps you break free from that painful loop of self-blame and reconnect with your capacity for love and growth.
When Guilt Becomes Too Heavy
Of course, guilt isn’t always helpful. Sometimes it can get tangled up with old patterns – like people-pleasing, perfectionism, or unrealistic expectations of yourself. For many women (especially moms), chronic guilt becomes a constant companion. You might feel guilty at work for not being home, guilty at home for not giving enough at work, and guilty with friends for not being present in either.
When that happens, pause and ask: Is this guilt guiding me toward something meaningful, or is it just keeping me stuck?
Healthy guilt helps you repair relationships. Unhealthy guilt keeps you trapped in anxiety, resentment, or self-doubt.
Learning how to manage guilt begins with awareness – recognizing the emotion for what it is and giving yourself permission to feel it without judgment. From there, you can decide what it’s trying to tell you, and whether action or self-forgiveness is the right next step.
You can read more about this emotional awareness in our article on being mindful.
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Self-Forgiveness: When You Can’t Go Back
Some of the hardest guilt to carry is over things you can’t change – loss, missed moments, words unsaid. When guilt is tied to grief or moral injury, repairing the relationship directly isn’t possible. In those cases, healing comes from self-forgiveness, recognizing that you did the best you could with what you knew at the time, and that continuing to punish yourself doesn’t serve anyone, including the person you loved.
This kind of deep emotional work has been supported in research on guilt and empathy, showing that healthy guilt can lead to greater compassion, not self-condemnation.
You might also find comfort in learning how to rebuild trust after betrayal, how to make up after a fight, or ways to repair trust in your relationship when repair is still possible.
Self-forgiveness isn’t letting yourself off the hook. It’s releasing unnecessary suffering so you can live, love, and connect more fully now.
Guilt and Relationships: Let It Be a Guide
When you reframe guilt as an ally rather than an enemy, it can become one of the most powerful tools for deepening your relationships. It reminds you who and what truly matters. It calls you back to empathy and humility. And when handled with self-awareness, it can inspire growth and healing on both sides of a relationship.
Sometimes guilt shows up alongside confusion, like relationship ambivalence, or when you’re questioning your feelings after something unexpected – like getting the ick or even being married and having a crush. These emotions are complicated, but they’re not wrong. They’re information.
Research on empathy and guilt proneness supports what we see in therapy every day: when you listen to guilt with curiosity instead of shame, you learn what kind of person you want to be. And that’s where genuine growth begins.
So the next time guilt shows up, try asking yourself:
- What is this feeling trying to tell me?
- Is there someone I want to reach out to or repair something with?
- Am I holding myself to impossible standards that no one could meet?
When you can answer those questions honestly, guilt becomes less of a burden and more of a bridge to compassion, authenticity, and deeper love.
Dr. Moore expands on these ideas in his soon to be released book The Power of Guilt, where he explores how this misunderstood emotion can actually make us better partners, friends, and humans. His research shows that guilt, when understood and used wisely, is one of our most important tools for connection and moral growth.
Need Support Healing from Guilt?
If you’ve been carrying guilt that feels heavy or confusing, you don’t have to work through it alone. Whether you’re struggling with guilt and relationships, shame that keeps you stuck, or self-blame that’s affecting your happiness, working with a compassionate therapist for guilt can help you find peace and perspective.
You can schedule a free consultation with me or a member of my team at Growing Self. We’ll help you talk through what you’ve been feeling, understand how to manage guilt in a healthy way, and take steps toward self-forgiveness and repair. It’s private, supportive, and deeply healing work because you deserve to feel at peace with yourself and your story.
xoxo,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
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