What to Do When You Are Married and Have a Crush on Someone Else
Married With a Crush?
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Married With a Crush? What To Do (and Not Do)
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What To Do When You’re Married With a Crush On Someone Else…
So, you are married but you have a crush on someone else. Hey, it happens. Married people, even happily married people, are also human and as such, are vulnerable to developing crushes on attractive others. A crush, aka, “Romantic Infatuation” can happen with anyone who you spend time with and who has attractive or, interestingly, anxiety-producing qualities.
What does is mean if you are married and have a crush on someone else?
Having a crush on someone else when you’re married doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person. It also is not a reflection of your marriage. Believe it or not, having a crush may not mean anything at all. In fact, people in happy, healthy, committed relationships can still develop fluttery feelings for attractive others. Crush-y feelings don’t need to mean anything about your marriage or your spouse, or about the person you have a crush on.
Feelings just happen sometimes.
We have crushes because we’re living, feeling human beings who are designed to fall in love. Particularly in long-term relationships where the zing of early-stage romantic love has faded into a steady, warm attachment, the part of us that longs for exciting, romantic love may be tickled awake by the presence of an interesting new other.
However, smart, self-aware people in good, committed relationships need to not follow those feelings but rather handle them maturely and with wisdom.
The Smart Way to Handle Having a Crush When You’re Married
While developing a crush is not unusual, it is extremely important to be very self-aware about what is happening and redirect your energy back into your primary relationship as quickly as possible. (If you want to stay married, anyway.)
Developing an infatuation can actually be a positive thing for a relationship, particularly if you are self-aware enough to realize that your feelings for someone else might be informing you about what you’d like to be different about your primary relationship.
Then you can build on the existing strengths of your relationship to add “crush ingredients” back in, like spending time together, novelty, emotional intimacy, flirtation and fun. Your relationship will be the stronger for it.
When Crushes Cross the Line
Crushes, when not handled well, can also be an on-ramp to an affair. Consider that very few people intend to start an affair. Most affairs begin with people having fluttery, crush-y feelings for someone who is not their spouse… convincing themselves of all the reasons why it’s okay… (We’re just friends! But my husband never talks to me like this!) … and then leaning into the feelings of excitement and attraction rather than intentionally extinguishing them. Those feelings, those rationalizations, are the siren song that lures your marriage onto the rocks of ruin.
Developing a crush or romantic feelings for another can be extremely dangerous for the stability of your family and your relationship. While it’s not unusual to develop a mild crush when you’re married, if unchecked, your innocent-seeing crush could bloom into an emotional or even sexual affair.
While everyone can have a crush bloom, it’s very important to know how to handle yourself and your relationship when crushes happen in order to protect yourself, your relationship, and your integrity.
Protect Your Marriage From an Affair
Here at Growing Self, we are strong believers in the old saying, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” That is never more so than with relationships. It’s much easier to educate yourself and learn how to handle common situations successfully, and in such a way that they strengthen your relationship rather than harm it.
Knowing how to handle yourself if you start to develop a crush on someone when you’re married to another is one of the most important ways of protecting your relationship from an affair. Even though couples can and do recover from infidelity, infidelity is terribly traumatic and difficult to repair. Affairs destroy marriages and destroy lives, and at the end of the day tend to result in disappointing relationships with the affair partner.
Take it from a marriage counselor (and, ahem, author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love”) who’s seen the destruction that affairs create: Don’t do it. The key? Catching those normal, crush-y feelings early and learning how to use them to re-energize your marriage, while simultaneously learning how to extinguish the crush.
Listen To This Episode to Learn What To Do (And Not Do) When You Are Married And Have a Crush
Today on the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I’m talking all about how to handle yourself and your relationship when you have a crush on someone else. We’ll be discussing:
- The mechanics of a crush; how and why crushes develop
- The difference between a crush and a platonic friendship
- Why happy, committed married people can have crushes on others
- How crushes can turn into something more serious
- How to use self-awareness, integrity, and honesty to protect your marriage
- How to use your crush experience in order to add energy and intimacy into your relationship
- Warning signs that your crush is developing into something else
- Why extramarital affairs are always a bad idea, and rarely end well
- How to stop having a crush on someone else
- How to avoid embarrassment and professional ruin if you have a crush on a coworker
- How to protect your relationship and stay true to your values even when you’re having feelings for another.
All this and more on today’s episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.
xoxo,
P.S. If it’s not you you’re worried about, but rather that your partner may have a crush on someone else, here are some other resources for you: Signs of an Emotional Affair, and How to Get Your Needs Met in a Relationship. Play them in the car and see what your partner thinks… LMB
P.P.S. Another very low-key way to begin a productive conversation about how you’re both feeling in your relationship is to take our free online “How Healthy is Your Relationship Quiz” together and discuss the results. Having these types of emotionally intimate conversations with your partner can jump start the process of growing back together again, if you’re open to it!
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Hello, If the crush is someone you see regularly, like a personal trainer, how do you cut the tie? If your spouse has or may be speculative of something, can you just quit seeing the person and not have an excuse?
Daniel, thank you so much for asking this question. I thought it was such an important question (and one that so many others share, I’m sure) I actually answered it via IGTV! Here’s the link to view my response: https://www.instagram.com/p/BwFP70tHGhp/
I hope that this perspective helps you not just protect your marriage, but strengthen it.
Respectfully, Lisa Marie Bobby
Hi Dr. Lisa,
I enjoyed listening to your podcast. My question stems around thinking or realization that someone you are involved in may actually be your soulmate. I have been in a professional/collegial relationship with another on and off for 3 years. Recently, within the past 2 months, we both started professing our true feelings to one another. Slowly, we came to the realization that there was something more there all along. We are both happily married and he has 4 kids. The attraction has ignited to the point of a few intimate encounters online. I feel as though I am nearing a 7-8 level with this one, so not sure how to handle it. The first time things started to get fluttery a year ago, I stopped communicating for about a year. Somehow things are a bit more complicated now that our feelings have been placed on the table. How should I handle this going forward?
well Anjoli, i would advice you to let it go and stay firm with your existing relationship unless you want to exit from your relationship.Sometimes things are worst when you get closer to someone and he looks like totally a different man than what he was looked like
This podcast spoke to me! Met someone through a friend a year ago and felt something but at the lower end of the spectrum. Recently reunited with them again through the same friend after almost a year and it skyrocketed to the area that I need to check myself because it is easily going to become something my marriage wouldn’t come back from. I’m aware, I’ve allowed too much communication and appreciate the tips to try to turn the “infatuation” off. I’ve always felt that it was human nature to have attraction to others but not to this level. So much of what you said about cognitive dissonance is how I felt as well. Thanks for info, so helpful.
Thanks Callie, for sharing your story. I’m glad that this information was helpful to you.
Should i tell my crush how i feel or i should just let it go and yet am Married.
Cindy, if you’re married I would encourage you to let your spouse know about your feelings, rather than your crush. If your intention is to stay married, this could be the turning point to begin repairing your marriage. Alternatively, disclosing your feelings to the person you have a crush on will just move you closer to having an affair. Good luck! LMB
Cindy NO do not tell your crush. This is how affairs can start. It’s never worth it. The crush may be flattered and this is getting into dangerous territory. There is nothing good that could come of them knowing. Remember your vows and what you promised to your spouse.
What happens when the emotional affair has already happened and is causing me to question whether my marriage is good for me or not.
Cut off all ties from this emotional affair. Invest into your marriage. Feelings follow action. If you are not “feeling it”, remember your commitment and your vows to your spouse, regardless of “feelings”. You will be so proud and glad that you stayed committed to your spouse. Truly love them.. which means wanting and doing what is best for them even if they don’t deserve it and don’t reciprocate. Try not to view marriage as “what can this offer me? What does this do for me?” and think of “how can I show love/respect to my spouse? What am *I* offering?”
On the one hand, yes, it’s important to lower our idealistic expectations of our spouse, and to love them unselfishly. BUT for a healthy marriage, both people need to be WILLING to work on loving the other person better.
In the podcast, she recommends couples therapy to work on the relationship if we are feeling consistent negativity or neglect from our spouse. We should honor our commitments, but never accept stagnancy, neglect, or emotional abuse.
I’ve also found the Five Love Languages theory/book to be helpful in creating a more joyful marriage for both me and my spouse.
Lastly, this isn’t for everyone, but a brief and intentional separation (that does NOT include seeing other people) was helpful in reconfiguring my previously toxic marriage.
I had an emotional affair and almost a physical one before my husband and I realized we needed to make big changes in our relationship.
I posted some of this as a response to the person who answered your question, but I wanted to reply directly to you:
Yes, it’s important to lower our idealistic expectations of our spouse, and to love them unselfishly.
On the other hand, I don’t know your relationship, but it sounds like it may not be filling your need for companionship – which it has the potential to, if worked on.
To change a marriage, BOTH people need to be willing to LEARN how to love the other person. Sometimes it takes time for one spouse to become willing to join in the work.
In the podcast, she recommends couples therapy to work on the relationship if we are feeling consistent negativity or neglect from our spouse.
We should honor our commitments, BUT never accept stagnancy, neglect, or emotional abuse from our spouse – which I did for years, before realizing my spouse and I were tearing each other down in both obvious and subtle ways.
I’ve also found the Five Love Languages theory/book to be helpful in creating a more joyful marriage.
Lastly, this isn’t useful for everyone, but a brief and intentional separation (that does NOT include seeing other people) was helpful in reconfiguring my previously toxic marriage. I initiated the month apart and my husband was resistant at first, but during our weekly talks on the phone, we were able to lay a foundation for a better relationship.
I read and listen to this pop cast. I hope that this will fix things with my husband who tent to have crush from time to time…
Wonderful Lolita, I hope that it helps you. LMB
Id also like to add that I wasn’t convinced my relationship was worth working on – until my spouse showed me how much work he was willing to put into it to. I needed to see the potential, and I can say it has become 100% worth it! That “warm,” “I’m home” feeling of long term commitment, as described in the podcast, is worth it. Thank you Dr Bobby for helping so many people fight for their marriages and experience that potential.
A little back story: I have a wife of 7 years. Our relationship grew stagnate and developed into a dead bedroom with almost no communication.
Last December she suggested that we start to see outside partners to fill the gaps that we were missing together. It sent me down a path of many emotions and self reflection. Marriage is supposed to be monogamous right? We still weren’t communicating well for months. In July I found out that she was being unfaithful for months.
This sent me right over the edge, i was showing PTSD-like symptoms. However, there was a bright side that resulted from it. We are seeing a couples therapist and communicating very well now. I am now emerging from a chrysalis that I cocooned myself into. We are coming out with new communication skills and we are deeply self-reflecting on what we believe a marriage should be.
From this we are exploring consensual non monogamy and being open to connect with other partners outside the marriage.
With all of this self reflecting and a deeper understanding of what we want, a woman started to work at my second, part time job. Innocent enough, we are starting to get to know each other. She is married with a few kids. I am starting to develop a crush on her. I see a lot of myself at my best in her and feel very charged when I am around her. Something that my marriage is lacking. It is possible that similar feelings are directed toward me from her. I’m not certain though.
With our new founded open communication, I told my wife all of these feelings. She is all about it, she wants me to be happy and thinks I should let this woman know that I’m crushing on her. If for nothing else, to get it off my chest.
My question is this, considering I am having a hard time not thinking about the woman and wanting to be around her, should I tell this woman how I feel? Even if it results in rejection (I think I would be okay with that and let her be in that case)
Thank you.
Don’t let your crush know. Don’t go outside of your marriage. If you are exploring non monogamy then you shouldn’t have gotten married. Yet divorce is destructive too. Non monogamy will be the death of your marriage.
Wow! Just WOW! I really enjoyed, really absorbed every word and appreciate the GREAT advice. Thank you!
So glad this was helpful to you Kevin. Thank you for listening! If you’d ever like to join me LIVE for a podcast taping (and ask any questions real-time) I’ve started recording my podcasts via Instagram Live most Mondays at 12pm Mountain. Connect with me @lisamariebobby, if you’d like to! All the best, Lisa Marie Bobby
Thank you so much Dr Bobby, reflecting on your advice has helped me avoid falling for a good friend and co-worker. I was teetering towards pursuing a friendly, mutual crush when I noticed a great increase in flirtatious behaviour from the other person which only drew me in further in a short time frame. I bit the bullet and distanced myself. The result has improved my married relationship so much as I could pour some of that zing* back towards my wife and our relationship. This simple podcast has helped me in so many ways to realise how lucky I am with my wife and family. I cannot thank you enough.
Samson, thank you so much for sharing your experience with our community here. I am so, so glad that this podcast and these ideas helped you recognize what was starting to happen and nip this in the bud.
I have to tell you — from my perspective as a marriage counselor who has worked with so many couples trying to (with great difficulty) repair their relationship after an affair — it sounds like the shadow of the hawk just flew over your marriage, family and life… and, happily, kept on going.
It is likely that a terrible tragedy was averted by your being open to the ideas I shared, and the fact that you had the wisdom and courage to put these ideas to use in your life. Affairs can be so devastating. They blow families apart, and even if couples work through it there are scars. In addition to that, it can be very traumatizing for children to witness infidelity and its emotional aftermath, and can have an impact on their ability to form secure relationships when they become adults. You protected your family from all of that. On behalf of all the people who love you and depend on you, thank you. — LMB
Thank you for your words… Im finding solace and assurance esp now Im questioning my marriage and mainly myself and my purpose etc…
Sounds like you are having a “crossroads moment” where you’re trying to figure out a lot of things in your life. I hope that you get involved with a good therapist or coach who can help you get some clarity about who you are, what you want, and how to create it. If you’d like to do that with someone on the Growing Self team, the first step is to schedule a free consultation session. Wishing you all the best, Lisa
Thank you so much for the advice I have been drawn to a seemingly mutual crush with a close friend for a number of months. I had felt a strong pull towards my friend after noticing some obviously inviting behaviour and suggestive comments over time. You literally spelled out our MO, lunches and all which was a big wake up call. After reflection with taking your advice I am attempting to strike up better communication and create more positive experiences with my wife which is working sexually but needing some improvement elsewhere to keep momentum. I am still struggling to balance my feelings for my friend as I have a great marriage and a good friendship, neither of which I would like to destroy. My feeling ebb and flow still but much less than previously but I’m concerned about a flare up in my feelings if my friend began to push things romantically. My wife has met my friend and is deeply wary of her. I want to tell my wife but I’m terrified she’ll leave. She’s not usually controlling but has low self-esteem and reacted aggressively after meeting my friend.
Pete, I’m glad you found this advice and are considering it. Here’s the next suggestion: Please stop using the word “friend” and start using the word “possible affair partner” when thinking about this other woman. If you do so, I bet the path forward will become more clear to you and you will also develop more empathy for your wife’s legitimate safety seeking behaviors in this patently threatening situation. Your potential affair partner is not your friend, she is an ongoing threat to your marriage and to your family. I hear you disparaging your wife’s reaction to this as her being controlling, having low self esteem, etc. (You are basically saying that the issue is her “issues,” rather than taking responsibility for the fact that she is having a normal reaction to your behavior.) You yourself said that you are worried about the future of your marriage if your possible affair partner makes sexual moves towards you. That awareness is a good start! Next step: Take responsibility for this situation, stop blaming your wife for feeling threatened, and cut off contact with the person who you could have an affair with. My two cents! 🙂
I accept my poor reflection on how I have viewed my wife’s feelings. I have since opened up and told my wife about the damaging relationship I had developed and she is much more resilient than I gave her credit for. The nature of that relationship has essentially ended but not without significant resistance from the other person involved. I feel more stable and sober but I have no illusions that there’s much more work I have to do to try and rebuild my wife’s trust in me. I never realised how far it had gone and so quickly, and without things ever becoming physical. I now know physicality makes little difference, I was having an affair.
Hi, this was a good read. Well, I have a strong crush on a cine artist. Of course, there is no danger of it developing into an affair but my question is: how do I deal with the yearning and emotional pain that I’m experiencing? I can’t stop looking at his images online and I am constantly watching his movies and interviews on YouTube. I’m so much in love with him that it hurts.
Ugh….I’m married, 10 years now. But I’ve developed a big crush on a guy over Instagram. He’s an actor…I know, I know. To make matters worse is he started following me in return. We don’t flirt at all. I want to make that clear. There is zero back and forth that would even raise an eyebrow with anyone. He has no idea I like him.
I’m an artist and I drew a picture of one of his characters which he liked and then he started following me. Now anytime he “likes” one of my posts, I feel my heart start fluttering. I think of him obsessively on the inside. No one knows at all. I don’t talk about him to anyone. But it’s driving me nuts. I feel like I’m going crazy because he’s on my mind all the time.
I would never do anything to jeopardize my marriage. I also have three kids. Obviously this guy just harmlessly decided to follow me without any idea how much it would cause me to go nuts. I’m sure if he had any idea how much I think of him, he would probably block me. I just love his personality, he’s extremely intelligent and has similar views on things with me when at home my husband doesn’t give any thought to or shoots down. He’s heavily into politics and current events which my husband doesn’t care about at all.
Help…
I m happily married bt had a crush with someone else..1 year or more..he is always on my mind ..I want to forget him…bt I m failed…I ve done everything…bt I m unable to kick his thoughts from my mind plz help me
I want to thank you so much for this advice and podcast. I really needed to hear some straight talk. I’ve been struggling for months with a crush outside of my 20 year happy marriage to a wonderful man. I never imagined I could go crazy like this. I do feel self aware and had already been doing some of the things you suggested – for one, taking my heightened emotional senses and giving that energy to my husband. Also when I think of things I’d like to talk about/share with my crush, I instead share it with my husband. In fact to my surprise and delight, our marriage has been boosted emotionally and sexually by this. The crush I have is over 12 years younger than I am and I see him as exciting, interesting and slightly dangerous….he often reminds me of my husband at 30. I would never dare to embarrass myself by making a move nor would I want to risk my family, marriage and dignity. The problem is, the feelings are still not going away. They fade a little here and there but I literally feel addicted, like you said, by a drug. I just keep pushing it away. I’m not able to cut off ties with him at this time (he is a teacher) and somehow just try to get through it, constantly telling myself to be mature about it. I will take your advice to avoid getting into excessive personal talk with him. This is good advice and where I falter at times. I can’t believe I’m in this situation and I struggle to get him out of my thoughts most days. Thank you so much for helping me get a grip on reality today. I’ll probably be listening to this podcast on repeat 🙂
Thank you for speaking so openly and honestly. I’m married with young children & have had a close platonic relationship with a single colleague for years. I have felt it developing into something more several times & always pushed him away (gently) to protect myself & the marriage. Recently we have started hanging out again more & I’ve found it intoxicating. I’ve really struggled with detaching this time & it’s been so helpful to hear you talk about the explosive trauma that happens after an affair. It makes me feel so sad to know I’m going to have to lose this again – you describe the opiate feeling so well – but it was good to get the cold hard truth. Thank you. x
This podcast has really put things into perspective for me. Thank you for the insights. You’ve saved me from a really poor decision.
I’m so glad to hear that. Thank you for letting it in! xoxo, LMB
Stop emotional affair. Its very dangerous sometimes. Improve your marriage
Hi Lisa,
Your words ring so true. Likening (“harmless”) flirting to addictive behavior helps to put my feelings into perspective. I’m not yet married, but am engaged to my soulmate, and I have been feeling so guilty about the feelings I “followed” toward a previous co-worker. He was in my head so loud I couldn’t ignore it, but now I’ve learned I need to be more cautious and self-aware in order to protect myself and my relationship. Nothing ever happened beyond a few email exchanges and I tried to minimize one-on-one time, but I feel like I should tell my partner in case I was involved in emotional cheating. He is such a strong, steadfast, and faithful man, I’m worried about how he will react, especially since we are in a long distance relationship between the US and Europe. Should I tell my partner everything? If so, should I do it as soon as possible or wait until we are together again?
Thank you for your help
This is a tough one. I mean, if you’re in the clear and are feeling confident that this is over-and-done, it would be less important for you to tell your partner all about it because your relationship is safe. Lots of people in long term relationships have transient crushes that flare up and fade away, and are generally harmless after that. (Assuming that it fades away and that you didn’t act on the feelings and *actually* cheat on your partner while in the temporary grips of a crush. If you cheated on him, your partner needs to know that so that he can make an informed decision about whether or not he wants to continue this relationship.)
But in the circumstance of being in a long-distance international relationship where you’re not around each other that much, it requires a high degree of trust and confidence. Knowing what happened (again, particularly if it was a benign, transient crush) may create a lot of anxiety for your partner that isn’t helpful for either of you. It may be more merciful and less burdensome for your partner if you worked through your guilt on your own.
On the OTHER hand, it may be helpful for both of you if you shared the feelings you temporarily had for another person, and framed it as being a sign that you that you are longing for an in-person day-to-day connection with him (if that is in fact true). Then you can both perhaps use that truth as a lighthouse guiding you to figure out how to make that happen in reality. “Long-distance” is not a sustainable place for a relationship to be long-term. Having crushy-flare-ups for other people may be a sign that it’s time to figure out how to be together “IRL” (as the kids say.)
If you do wind up telling him, I agree, it would be best if you were together when you did.
Good luck!
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Dear Lisa,
Thank you so much for this truthful and very helpful podcast. I learnt so much! No one is exempt from this especially in stressful times like these. So rightly said when you turn the light on and tell your spouse the power is gone! Wow!
Thank you so much!
I’m going insane there is this super attractive guy who listens and helps me out but at the same time he listens to me I’ve been married for 7 years and I don’t feel heard by my husband but I recently started working and I work with this guy who I vent to he helps me with my confidence and lifts me up he hears me out!!! I’m going crazy I really like this guy I don’t know if I should lye it down and tell him so I can get past it or if I should keep it to my self and diffuse the bomb myself I’m afraid that if he kisses me I won’t be able to hold back I don’t want my marriage to end I’m happily married with 3 kids but there is something about this guy who doesn’t judge me and loves my personality and hears me out I’m in desperate need of help!
Rikki, Stop. S T O P. This isn’t Junior High. You’re a married woman with three kids. If you’re really all a-tingle, anticipating that this person might kiss you
while you’re standing at your locker in the crowded hall in between classes(and that you’ll be swept away by passion when he does!) it is really important that you immediately stop all contact with this guy and remove yourself from his physical presence. Like, get a different job if you need to. Block him, unfriend and unfollow. Disappear. No explanation required. Stop. All. Contact.That will lower the immediate risk, but you’ll still have to deal with the thoughts and feelings you’ll be left with, and you will still have some big decisions to make. But at least you’ll have space to make them.
If you are in love with this other person and see a future with him, it’s important to give yourself time to think all the way through and make an intentional decision about whether or not you want to leave your husband and break up your family in order to pursue this relationship. If you do, that’s valid: But it should be a considered decision and one that is based on your core values and life goals, and which takes into consideration the needs of the children who depend on you too.
Do NOT allow the the fate of your family to be determined by an impulsive make out session in the back room. Okay?? Consider getting involved in some high quality online therapy or life coaching to help you make a solid, intentional decision.
Part of your decision making process may also depend on exploring whether or not it is possible to create positive changes in your relationship with your husband. It sounds like you’d love to have a deeper level of emotional engagement with someone, and wouldn’t it be amazing if that person could be the guy you’re already married to? Would it change anything for you??
I recently put together a podcast episode called, “When to Call it Quits in a Relationship” that explores how to know whether positive change is possible in a relationship (or not). It may be helpful for you to listen to that as you consider your options.
Wishing you all the best Rikki….
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
I’ve been married to my first boyfriend for 18 years. Last year, I completely fell in love to one of my college’s professor. He was interested in me too.We started to be closer and I asked him to help me to move to another class. He told me he couldn’t, so I sent him an email telling him about my marital status and my feelings for him. I thought he would probably move me to another class after he gets my email because he would be disappointed or because it’s a college rule, that a professor should change the student to another class if he had knowledge about the student’s feelings towards them. And I was right, he changed me to another class. I didn’t see him since February 2020, but I still think of him all the time. I told everything to my husband and we are attending a couple’s counseling. I wish I could not to think of my former professor, but I can’t. I never imagined my whole life I could feel something like this. Is there anything else I can do to forget him? I need to stop thinking about him! I need to stop feeling what I feel for him. I am living in dispair since I first met this man. My life became umbearable to live since then.
Well, I’m very glad to hear that you made the wise but difficult choice that led to your removal from this person’s class. That was a good call. I think what I’m hearing is that since then, the situation itself is “over” except for the continuing intrusive thoughts about this other person.
If that’s the case, I would highly recommend getting involved with cognitive-behavioral based therapy or coaching. Both of which can teach you, among other things, cognitive strategies to get a handle on the thoughts that are causing pain and suffering. (Mindfulness skills, thought stopping and shifting, reframing thoughts, cultivating new thoughts, etc. can all be part of really good cognitive behavioral therapy or cognitive behavioral coaching.
Pro tip: PLEASE AVOID standard-issue talk therapy with a checked-out therapist who let’s you free-associate for forty-five minutes, or wants to make this about your relationship with your dad or your low self-esteem or something. That could not be less helpful for you in actually changing this state of affairs, and may even be harmful. You don’t need someone to pathologize you and make you believe this happened because you’re broken (or something ridiculous), you need someone to teach you skills. Really. That’s all this is.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy or coaching is a totally different thing than traditional, passive therapy. With this action-oriented, skills-based approach you’ll be challenged to do things like identify problematic thoughts, actively respond to them differently, and you’ll even have homework to help keep you on track.
I will say this (just to be thorough): In very, very rare cases, if the underlying cause of the problematic thoughts is in fact related to a mental health issue it can be helpful to enlist the support of your medical doctor as well as your therapist if cognitive behavioral therapy alone is not helpful. (Persistent, intrusive, compulsive thoughts can be related to OCD symptoms, which can be sometimes successfully treated with anti-depressant medication). But again, this is rare.
The first line of action is to get to work. Look for a therapist or coach who utilizes CBT interventions and who is going to hold you accountable, and help you stop feeling tortured by what’s happening between your ears. Developing cognitive skills is the path of liberation — and you can do it! All the best, Lisa Marie Bobby
THANK YOU THANK YOU for telling it like it is. I was so expecting an “it’s okay if you like someone better, just get divorced if the crush persists” type of destructive advice that I have seen elsewhere. I love that you said extramarital affairs are always a bad idea, and rarely end well. People do NOT realize this. They are on the constant search for the next ‘high’ and it disappoints. Even if it doesn’t disappoint, a marriage and family was fractured, vows were stomped on, and kids are left with the collateral damage. We sometimes will accept little things like coddling a crush and don’t realize that it is eating away at our marriage. Unhappiness in a marriage is not solved by turning outward.. only turning inward toward your spouse.
Thank you for sharing that EV. I completely agree. Truthfully, as a marriage counselor and therapist I’ve seen time and time again that doing the things that are NOT always the most immediately gratifying, like remaining true to your values and commitments even when it’s hard, are so protective in the end.
It takes a lot of maturity, wisdom, love and strength to stop yourself from following feel-good impulses. But the alternative is often a good-feeling road leading straight to destruction and despair, not just for the people you love the most, but for your integrity. I believe that regret is the most terrible of experiences, personally, particularly when the damage done is permanent and irreparable. Some things don’t wash off…
But you know this! Glad to have like-minds in the mix, and that you’re sharing your wisdom with our community here.
With love and respect for you, Lisa Marie Bobby
“Not every feeling is worth following”. YES!!!!!!!!
my wife told me she had an affair 30 years ago went to his bed several times she told me everything i ask her she didnt no i saw her with him through the window of his house and never said any thing just let her go it didnt last long we have been married 49 years still in love lots of sex still she told me to find someone else to have sek with and we woujd be even after that
Well Jim, I suppose you could try that and see what happens, but I think both of us know that it would probably not end well. It sounds to me like you two have some unfinished emotional business about what happened in the past. You might want to check out a recent podcast I made about “Letting Go of Resentment.” I hope that it provides you with some direction about how both of you can heal from past infidelity and move on. Wishing you all the best, LMB
What if the crush is a really good friend? We don’t see each other very often, but just text and flirt. We do want to meet up, but we are both committed to our relationships. But at the same time we are friends … we want to hang out. What should I do in this situation?
Hannah, I’d urge you to consider the fact that 99.9999% of all affairs begin with people having crushes on their “friends.” The right thing to do may become clearer to you if you shift the narrative to “I’m flirting and texting and wanting to hang out with the person who could be my affair partner.” Does that change anything for you? If not, Godspeed, and do be sure to report back with the outcome? Your community will be interested to hear how this unfolds for you. LMB
Dr. Bobby,
Thank you so much for this. Like you said sure I’ve had a small crush here or there but was able to keep it at a distance. One I have right now is like something I haven’t felt since high school. I think you’re right that my wife and I need to work on our relationship. We’ve been together since we were both young (got together when i was 18 married at 20) and have been together for a long 11 years now. They say people change as they get older and I just don’t think we connect as well as we could making this crush so exhilarating. What should I do if I’ve felt like maybe we weren’t right for each other. We have 2 kids now, there’s not much I could do if I wanted.
It’s all confusing I know but I think that working with my spouse, potentially through therapy, would be a great first step
Justin, I’m so glad to hear that you have so much self-awareness around what’s happening, and can maintain your big-picture perspective. You bring up such a fantastic point: People do really change as they grow and develop, and it’s so important for couples to grow together over the years. (I say this as a person who is in a happy 20+ year marriage with a man I met when I was just 19 years old, so I get it Justin!!)
Especially when couples connect as teenagers or young twenty-somethings, you’re both going to change and evolve so much over the years as you become fully mature adults. Consider that a healthy, long term relationship (like a lifetime relationship — the kind we all want) is not going to be with the same person. As you both grow and change you will have to get to know each other all over again, and develop a new relationship with the person your partner has grown into.
This in itself can be really exciting and rewarding. Especially if you both are putting energy into developing yourselves, you might find that the person your wife is now is actually someone who is really attractive and interesting to you (but in a different way than she was when she was 18. She’s not a kid anymore!)
Of course, it is also true that sometimes people who get married young realize, as they get to know themselves and each other better, that it’s not an easy fit. (For the record, I don’t believe that couples are “not compatible” and therefore need to end their relationship, but I do think that some couples have to work harder to understand and appreciate each others values and perspectives, and figure out how to work together as a loving, respectful team).
Either way Justin, you’re absolutely right. It sounds like you and your wife could really benefit from being together in a supportive, growth-oriented environment like the one achieved in good relationship coaching or couples therapy. That will allow you to talk openly and honestly about who you each are now, what your strengths and opportunities as a couple are, and what your long term hopes and goals are for yourselves and your lives. Those courageous conversations can catalyze enormous growth and positive change, and what you discover about the person you are married to might surprise you (in the most delightful way!)
Exciting times — good luck!
xoxo, Dr. Lisa
I enjoyed this podcast. My question is how to deal with feeling rejected after a crush after liking all my photos on social media looks like he is distancing himself. This took place right after I gave birth. We no longer see each other regularly but I am having a difficult time feeling rejected even though my intention is to not cross boundries
Hi Melinda, and congratulations momma! I’m glad that you’re looking for help with this. If you and I were working together in life coaching or therapy to tackle this issue issue, my #1 focus would not be around “why you feel rejected.” My first challenge for you would be to remove this individual from your life altogether. Like, block / unfriend / unfollow and do whatever you need to do in order to never have to think again about whether he was noticing or caring about your posts. Rejection problem, solved.
But the real beauty of this approach of this “final solution” is that if / when you shared with me that you thought this was the worst idea you ever heard and were having really strong negative reactions to my suggestion that you do such a thing, we’d get to talk about THAT. 🙂 My hope for our work together would be not so much around your feelings of “rejection” but rather to assist you in releasing this inappropriate emotional attachment so that you no longer think of him at all. Then you’ll be absolutely free to lavish all your time, attention, and emotional energy on your growing family. They need you!
Wishing you all the best,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby