What to Do When You Are Married and Have a Crush on Someone Else
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.
Married With a Crush?
So, you are married but you have a crush on someone else. Hey, it happens. Married people, even happily married people, are also human and as such, are vulnerable to developing crushes on attractive others. A crush, aka, “Romantic Infatuation” can happen with anyone who you spend time with and who has attractive or, interestingly, anxiety-producing qualities.
What does is mean if you are married and have a crush on someone else?
Having a crush on someone else when you’re married doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person. It also is not a reflection of your marriage. Believe it or not, having a crush may not mean anything at all. In fact, people in happy, healthy, committed relationships can still develop fluttery feelings for attractive others. Crush-y feelings don’t need to mean anything about your marriage or your spouse, or about the person you have a crush on.
Feelings just happen sometimes.
We have crushes because we’re living, feeling human beings who are designed to fall in love. Particularly in long-term relationships where the zing of early-stage romantic love has faded into a steady, warm attachment, the part of us that longs for exciting, romantic love may be tickled awake by the presence of an interesting new other.
However, smart, self-aware people in good, committed relationships need to not follow those feelings but rather handle them maturely and with wisdom.
The Smart Way to Handle Having a Crush When You’re Married
While developing a crush is not unusual, it is extremely important to be very self-aware about what is happening and redirect your energy back into your primary relationship as quickly as possible. (If you want to stay married, anyway.)
Developing an infatuation can actually be a positive thing for a relationship, particularly if you are self-aware enough to realize that your feelings for someone else might be informing you about what you’d like to be different about your primary relationship.
Then you can build on the existing strengths of your relationship to add “crush ingredients” back in, like spending time together, novelty, emotional intimacy, flirtation and fun. Your relationship will be the stronger for it.
When Crushes Cross the Line
Crushes, when not handled well, can also be an on-ramp to an affair. Consider that very few people intend to start an affair. Most affairs begin with people having fluttery, crush-y feelings for someone who is not their spouse… and then leaning into them rather than intentionally extinguishing them.
Developing a crush or romantic feelings for another can be extremely dangerous for the stability of your family and your relationship. While it’s not unusual to develop a mild crush when you’re married, if unchecked, your innocent-seeing crush could bloom into an emotional or even sexual affair.
While everyone can have a crush bloom, it’s very important to know how to handle yourself and your relationship when crushes happen in order to protect yourself, your relationship, and your integrity.
Protect Your Marriage From an Affair
Here at Growing Self, we are strong believers in the old saying, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” That is never more so than with relationships. It’s much easier to educate yourself and learn how to handle common situations successfully, and in such a way that they strengthen your relationship rather than harm it.
Knowing how to handle yourself if you start to develop a crush on someone when you’re married to another is one of the most important ways of protecting your relationship from an affair. Even though couples can and do recover from infidelity, infidelity is terribly traumatic and difficult to repair. Affairs destroy marriages and destroy lives, and at the end of the day tend to result in disappointing relationships with the affair partner.
Take it from a marriage counselor (and, ahem, author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love”) who’s seen the destruction that affairs create: Don’t do it. The key? Catching those normal, crush-y feelings early and learning how to use them to re-energize your marriage, while simultaneously learning how to extinguish the crush.
What To Do (And Not Do) When You Are Married And Have a Crush
Today on the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I’m talking all about how to handle yourself and your relationship when you have a crush on someone else. We’ll be discussing:
- The mechanics of a crush; how and why crushes develop
- The difference between a crush and a platonic friendship
- Why happy, committed married people can have crushes on others
- How crushes can turn into something more serious
- How to use self-awareness, integrity, and honesty to protect your marriage
- How to use your crush experience in order to add energy and intimacy into your relationship
- Warning signs that your crush is developing into something else
- Why extramarital affairs are always a bad idea, and rarely end well
- How to stop having a crush on someone else
- How to avoid embarrassment and professional ruin if you have a crush on a coworker
- How to protect your relationship and stay true to your values even when you’re having feelings for another.
All this and more on today’s episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.
xoxo,
P.S. If it’s not you you’re worried about, but rather that your partner may have a crush on someone else, here are some other resources for you: Signs of an Emotional Affair, and How to Get Your Needs Met in a Relationship. Play them in the car and see what your partner thinks… LMB
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Married With a Crush? What To Do (and Not Do)
Music Credits: Johnny Powers, “Long Blonde Hair”
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Real Help For Your Relationship
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Hello, If the crush is someone you see regularly, like a personal trainer, how do you cut the tie? If your spouse has or may be speculative of something, can you just quit seeing the person and not have an excuse?
Daniel, thank you so much for asking this question. I thought it was such an important question (and one that so many others share, I’m sure) I actually answered it via IGTV! Here’s the link to view my response: https://www.instagram.com/p/BwFP70tHGhp/
I hope that this perspective helps you not just protect your marriage, but strengthen it.
Respectfully, Lisa Marie Bobby
Hi Dr. Lisa,
I enjoyed listening to your podcast. My question stems around thinking or realization that someone you are involved in may actually be your soulmate. I have been in a professional/collegial relationship with another on and off for 3 years. Recently, within the past 2 months, we both started professing our true feelings to one another. Slowly, we came to the realization that there was something more there all along. We are both happily married and he has 4 kids. The attraction has ignited to the point of a few intimate encounters online. I feel as though I am nearing a 7-8 level with this one, so not sure how to handle it. The first time things started to get fluttery a year ago, I stopped communicating for about a year. Somehow things are a bit more complicated now that our feelings have been placed on the table. How should I handle this going forward?
well Anjoli, i would advice you to let it go and stay firm with your existing relationship unless you want to exit from your relationship.Sometimes things are worst when you get closer to someone and he looks like totally a different man than what he was looked like
This podcast spoke to me! Met someone through a friend a year ago and felt something but at the lower end of the spectrum. Recently reunited with them again through the same friend after almost a year and it skyrocketed to the area that I need to check myself because it is easily going to become something my marriage wouldn’t come back from. I’m aware, I’ve allowed too much communication and appreciate the tips to try to turn the “infatuation” off. I’ve always felt that it was human nature to have attraction to others but not to this level. So much of what you said about cognitive dissonance is how I felt as well. Thanks for info, so helpful.
Thanks Callie, for sharing your story. I’m glad that this information was helpful to you.
Should i tell my crush how i feel or i should just let it go and yet am Married.
Cindy, if you’re married I would encourage you to let your spouse know about your feelings, rather than your crush. If your intention is to stay married, this could be the turning point to begin repairing your marriage. Alternatively, disclosing your feelings to the person you have a crush on will just move you closer to having an affair. Good luck! LMB
What happens when the emotional affair has already happened and is causing me to question whether my marriage is good for me or not.
I read and listen to this pop cast. I hope that this will fix things with my husband who tent to have crush from time to time…
Wonderful Lolita, I hope that it helps you. LMB
A little back story: I have a wife of 7 years. Our relationship grew stagnate and developed into a dead bedroom with almost no communication.
Last December she suggested that we start to see outside partners to fill the gaps that we were missing together. It sent me down a path of many emotions and self reflection. Marriage is supposed to be monogamous right? We still weren’t communicating well for months. In July I found out that she was being unfaithful for months.
This sent me right over the edge, i was showing PTSD-like symptoms. However, there was a bright side that resulted from it. We are seeing a couples therapist and communicating very well now. I am now emerging from a chrysalis that I cocooned myself into. We are coming out with new communication skills and we are deeply self-reflecting on what we believe a marriage should be.
From this we are exploring consensual non monogamy and being open to connect with other partners outside the marriage.
With all of this self reflecting and a deeper understanding of what we want, a woman started to work at my second, part time job. Innocent enough, we are starting to get to know each other. She is married with a few kids. I am starting to develop a crush on her. I see a lot of myself at my best in her and feel very charged when I am around her. Something that my marriage is lacking. It is possible that similar feelings are directed toward me from her. I’m not certain though.
With our new founded open communication, I told my wife all of these feelings. She is all about it, she wants me to be happy and thinks I should let this woman know that I’m crushing on her. If for nothing else, to get it off my chest.
My question is this, considering I am having a hard time not thinking about the woman and wanting to be around her, should I tell this woman how I feel? Even if it results in rejection (I think I would be okay with that and let her be in that case)
Thank you.
Wow! Just WOW! I really enjoyed, really absorbed every word and appreciate the GREAT advice. Thank you!
So glad this was helpful to you Kevin. Thank you for listening! If you’d ever like to join me LIVE for a podcast taping (and ask any questions real-time) I’ve started recording my podcasts via Instagram Live most Mondays at 12pm Mountain. Connect with me @lisamariebobby, if you’d like to! All the best, Lisa Marie Bobby
Thank you so much Dr Bobby, reflecting on your advice has helped me avoid falling for a good friend and co-worker. I was teetering towards pursuing a friendly, mutual crush when I noticed a great increase in flirtatious behaviour from the other person which only drew me in further in a short time frame. I bit the bullet and distanced myself. The result has improved my married relationship so much as I could pour some of that zing* back towards my wife and our relationship. This simple podcast has helped me in so many ways to realise how lucky I am with my wife and family. I cannot thank you enough.
Samson, thank you so much for sharing your experience with our community here. I am so, so glad that this podcast and these ideas helped you recognize what was starting to happen and nip this in the bud.
I have to tell you — from my perspective as a marriage counselor who has worked with so many couples trying to (with great difficulty) repair their relationship after an affair — it sounds like the shadow of the hawk just flew over your marriage, family and life… and, happily, kept on going.
It is likely that a terrible tragedy was averted by your being open to the ideas I shared, and the fact that you had the wisdom and courage to put these ideas to use in your life. Affairs can be so devastating. They blow families apart, and even if couples work through it there are scars. In addition to that, it can be very traumatizing for children to witness infidelity and its emotional aftermath, and can have an impact on their ability to form secure relationships when they become adults. You protected your family from all of that. On behalf of all the people who love you and depend on you, thank you. — LMB
Thank you for your words… Im finding solace and assurance esp now Im questioning my marriage and mainly myself and my purpose etc…
Sounds like you are having a “crossroads moment” where you’re trying to figure out a lot of things in your life. I hope that you get involved with a good therapist or coach who can help you get some clarity about who you are, what you want, and how to create it. If you’d like to do that with someone on the Growing Self team, the first step is to schedule a free consultation session. Wishing you all the best, Lisa
Thank you so much for the advice I have been drawn to a seemingly mutual crush with a close friend for a number of months. I had felt a strong pull towards my friend after noticing some obviously inviting behaviour and suggestive comments over time. You literally spelled out our MO, lunches and all which was a big wake up call. After reflection with taking your advice I am attempting to strike up better communication and create more positive experiences with my wife which is working sexually but needing some improvement elsewhere to keep momentum. I am still struggling to balance my feelings for my friend as I have a great marriage and a good friendship, neither of which I would like to destroy. My feeling ebb and flow still but much less than previously but I’m concerned about a flare up in my feelings if my friend began to push things romantically. My wife has met my friend and is deeply wary of her. I want to tell my wife but I’m terrified she’ll leave. She’s not usually controlling but has low self-esteem and reacted aggressively after meeting my friend.
Pete, I’m glad you found this advice and are considering it. Here’s the next suggestion: Please stop using the word “friend” and start using the word “possible affair partner” when thinking about this other woman. If you do so, I bet the path forward will become more clear to you and you will also develop more empathy for your wife’s legitimate safety seeking behaviors in this patently threatening situation. Your potential affair partner is not your friend, she is an ongoing threat to your marriage and to your family. I hear you disparaging your wife’s reaction to this as her being controlling, having low self esteem, etc. (You are basically saying that the issue is her “issues,” rather than taking responsibility for the fact that she is having a normal reaction to your behavior.) You yourself said that you are worried about the future of your marriage if your possible affair partner makes sexual moves towards you. That awareness is a good start! Next step: Take responsibility for this situation, stop blaming your wife for feeling threatened, and cut off contact with the person who you could have an affair with. My two cents! 🙂
I accept my poor reflection on how I have viewed my wife’s feelings. I have since opened up and told my wife about the damaging relationship I had developed and she is much more resilient than I gave her credit for. The nature of that relationship has essentially ended but not without significant resistance from the other person involved. I feel more stable and sober but I have no illusions that there’s much more work I have to do to try and rebuild my wife’s trust in me. I never realised how far it had gone and so quickly, and without things ever becoming physical. I now know physicality makes little difference, I was having an affair.
Hi, this was a good read. Well, I have a strong crush on a cine artist. Of course, there is no danger of it developing into an affair but my question is: how do I deal with the yearning and emotional pain that I’m experiencing? I can’t stop looking at his images online and I am constantly watching his movies and interviews on YouTube. I’m so much in love with him that it hurts.
Ugh….I’m married, 10 years now. But I’ve developed a big crush on a guy over Instagram. He’s an actor…I know, I know. To make matters worse is he started following me in return. We don’t flirt at all. I want to make that clear. There is zero back and forth that would even raise an eyebrow with anyone. He has no idea I like him.
I’m an artist and I drew a picture of one of his characters which he liked and then he started following me. Now anytime he “likes” one of my posts, I feel my heart start fluttering. I think of him obsessively on the inside. No one knows at all. I don’t talk about him to anyone. But it’s driving me nuts. I feel like I’m going crazy because he’s on my mind all the time.
I would never do anything to jeopardize my marriage. I also have three kids. Obviously this guy just harmlessly decided to follow me without any idea how much it would cause me to go nuts. I’m sure if he had any idea how much I think of him, he would probably block me. I just love his personality, he’s extremely intelligent and has similar views on things with me when at home my husband doesn’t give any thought to or shoots down. He’s heavily into politics and current events which my husband doesn’t care about at all.
Help…
I want to thank you so much for this advice and podcast. I really needed to hear some straight talk. I’ve been struggling for months with a crush outside of my 20 year happy marriage to a wonderful man. I never imagined I could go crazy like this. I do feel self aware and had already been doing some of the things you suggested – for one, taking my heightened emotional senses and giving that energy to my husband. Also when I think of things I’d like to talk about/share with my crush, I instead share it with my husband. In fact to my surprise and delight, our marriage has been boosted emotionally and sexually by this. The crush I have is over 12 years younger than I am and I see him as exciting, interesting and slightly dangerous….he often reminds me of my husband at 30. I would never dare to embarrass myself by making a move nor would I want to risk my family, marriage and dignity. The problem is, the feelings are still not going away. They fade a little here and there but I literally feel addicted, like you said, by a drug. I just keep pushing it away. I’m not able to cut off ties with him at this time (he is a teacher) and somehow just try to get through it, constantly telling myself to be mature about it. I will take your advice to avoid getting into excessive personal talk with him. This is good advice and where I falter at times. I can’t believe I’m in this situation and I struggle to get him out of my thoughts most days. Thank you so much for helping me get a grip on reality today. I’ll probably be listening to this podcast on repeat 🙂
Thank you for speaking so openly and honestly. I’m married with young children & have had a close platonic relationship with a single colleague for years. I have felt it developing into something more several times & always pushed him away (gently) to protect myself & the marriage. Recently we have started hanging out again more & I’ve found it intoxicating. I’ve really struggled with detaching this time & it’s been so helpful to hear you talk about the explosive trauma that happens after an affair. It makes me feel so sad to know I’m going to have to lose this again – you describe the opiate feeling so well – but it was good to get the cold hard truth. Thank you. x
This podcast has really put things into perspective for me. Thank you for the insights. You’ve saved me from a really poor decision.
I’m so glad to hear that. Thank you for letting it in! xoxo, LMB
Stop emotional affair. Its very dangerous sometimes. Improve your marriage
Dear Lisa,
Thank you so much for this truthful and very helpful podcast. I learnt so much! No one is exempt from this especially in stressful times like these. So rightly said when you turn the light on and tell your spouse the power is gone! Wow!
Thank you so much!