What Kind of Therapist Do I Need?

Therapy for grief and loss

Sometimes after we experience an especially painful loss, our friends and family can’t be the support system we need. They may be awkward around our grief, and we may feel like we’re burdening them by continuing to talk about how terrible we feel, for months or even years after the event. They may not recognize the magnitude of our loss, particularly if it’s over a breakup, or the death of a pet. Well-meaning loved ones may tell us to cheer up, do some yoga, or read a self-help book, rather than listening, validating our feelings, and empathizing. They may even be overwhelmed by grief themselves, if it’s a loss that affected them. 

Grief and loss are an unavoidable part of life, but they’re incredibly difficult to navigate alone. Many people enter therapy because they need a place where it’s ok to not be ok, where they can cry and work through the pain of loss, whether after the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or even the loss of a cherished dream. 

Clients who are in the throes of grief can benefit from a gentle, introspective approach to therapy that gives them the space to process their painful feelings so they can begin to heal. A therapist who specializes in this form of therapy may use terms like “Rogerian,” “client-centered,” or “humanistic” to describe their approach.

After a painful, life-altering event, therapy can serve as a container for difficult emotions. Having a place where it’s ok for you to express how you feel, without any pressure to put a positive spin on it or to heal on someone else’s timeline, can be really beneficial and can help you let go of some of those feelings. Sitting with a therapist who listens to your experience, empathizes with your feelings, and affirms that what you’re going through is indeed terrible, can be remarkably healing all on its own. And once your grief or heartbreak has become more manageable and you’re able to make meaning of it, your therapist can help you adjust to life after the loss.

Therapy for better relationships

If your goal for therapy is to have better, more secure relationships, look for a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). Unlike other kinds of therapists, marriage and family therapists have years of specialized training and experience in helping people improve their relationships, as well as how to treat mental health issues through systemic family therapy. 

You can see a marriage and family therapist either with your partner or on your own, if your partner isn’t ready to join you. Even without your partner present, you can begin doing the work in therapy to improve how you show up in the relationship, which will naturally affect how your partner reacts to you as well. If one or both of you is dealing with deeper issues or historical mental health diagnoses, working with a marriage and family therapist can help you learn how to work together to create mental and emotional health in your relationship, your family, and in yourselves.

An LMFT can do more than treat mental health conditions. They will have significant training and experience helping couples and families build happier, healthier bonds. They can also help you recover from infidelity, become more vulnerable with your partner, work through trust issues, or create a more secure attachment, among other things. Unlike all other breeds of therapists, who focus on the person before them and the maladaptive patterns that may be holding them back, LMFTs are trained to understand clients both as individuals and as part of larger relationship systems. This systemic approach can help you and your partner understand why you react to the people around you in the way that you do, what effect you have on others, and the internal factors influencing how you act in relationships. 

If your goal for therapy is to work on a very specific relationship goal, like improving your communication, or boosting your emotional intelligence, you may be better off working with a marriage and family therapist who provides relationship coaching. An MFT serving you as a coach will take a more direct approach than they would as a therapist, focusing more on creating a plan of action to help you get the results you want, and less on analyzing your family of origin, helping you work through painful feelings, or turning trauma into growth. 

If you do choose to work with a relationship coach, the coaching process — similar to therapy — begins with a period of talking about what’s going on in your relationship, how you’re feeling about it, and what would help you both feel more loved and respected. This helps you get clarity about what you really want before working toward goals, and helps your coach get to know you and what you value before jumping in and making recommendations. However, once that understanding is in place, you can shift your focus away from the “why” and into the “how” of creating the changes you wish to see in your relationship.

If you or your partner are experiencing symptoms of a mental health condition, you should find a licensed marriage and family therapist, not a relationship coach. Coaching is never intended to diagnose or treat mental illness, and working with a coach when you really need therapy can do more harm than good. You can read more about the difference between relationship coaching and couples therapy.