How to Find True Love

4 Comments

1. Thank you so much for your thoughtful guidance (as always)! I’m in my mid-thirties and exactly in this boat right now. I feel like I’m approaching dates in the way you suggest — with cautious optimism, not looking for a thrill, patiently and generously learning about my date. Gotta work on that phone call idea. 🙂

   I have a question, though. I know you shouldn’t make an immediate judgement based on an early date, but what CAN you look for or expect from a first or second date? What are some things that tend to be revealed even at this initial stage? Especially dating at a bit older age, I feel like someone should be able to fairly confidently show what they are about at this point in life. And does physical attraction matter at all at this phase (it’s very difficult to completely ignore this!)?

   Thanks, again, for sharing your insights with us. So much appreciated!!

   Reply

   1. Hey Betsy! Thanks for getting in touch! I’m glad that you’re being “cautiously optimistic” with new people. Please do continue to work on the phone call idea: 10 minutes of phone call can save you hours and hours of wasted time and emotional energy on a first date to no where, and make dating much less frustrating.

      On a first or second date, you can expect nice, normal, healthy people to be nervous and fairly self-conscious. People who are not narcissistic show-boats tend to feel awkward and a little forced early in the dating process. You’re more likely to get “data” than a true sense of someone’s personality and character.

      Honestly, people don’t really loosen up until about date 3 or 4. Before then you’re either getting the nervous, awkward version of them or the superficial “this is what I feel safe sharing with people I don’t know well” level of information. None of this is enough to determine who they are or what they’re really like. (Unless of course they let their freak flag fly and start launching red flags in all directions. Then go ahead and call it!)

      If you can, I hope you also expand your dating strategy to people that you meet in the midst of doing other things. (Sports teams, hobbies, friend groups, etc). You’re more likely to get a good sense of who someone is more quickly if you are able to spend time with them in an environment that is more low-key and comfortable for them than a typical first date. Just try to stay out of bars, unless you’d really like to get emotionally entangled with someone who organizes their life around alcohol.

      I do think that attraction matters, but instant “meow” type chemical attraction is usually not a good sign, even though we want it to be. Go for the slow burn Betsy! Keep putting yourself out there, be open minded, and keep reminding yourself that character is revealed over time….

      It sounds like you’re doing all the right things. Good luck!
      Lisa

      Reply

2. Thank you so much for your thoughtful guidance (as always)! I’m in my mid-thirties and exactly in this boat right now. I feel like I’m approaching dates in the way you suggest — with cautious optimism, not looking for a thrill, patiently and generously learning about my date. Gotta work on that phone call idea. 🙂

   I have a question, though. I know you shouldn’t make an immediate judgement based on an early date, but what CAN you look for or expect from a first or second date? What are some things that tend to be revealed even at this initial stage? Especially dating at a bit older age, I feel like someone should be able to fairly confidently show what they are about at this point in life. And does physical attraction matter at all at this phase (it’s very difficult to completely ignore this!)?

   Thanks, again, for sharing your insights with us. So much appreciated!!

   Reply

3. Hey Betsy! Thanks for getting in touch! I’m glad that you’re being “cautiously optimistic” with new people. Please do continue to work on the phone call idea: 10 minutes of phone call can save you hours and hours of wasted time and emotional energy on a first date to no where, and make dating much less frustrating.

   On a first or second date, you can expect nice, normal, healthy people to be nervous and fairly self-conscious. People who are not narcissistic show-boats tend to feel awkward and a little forced early in the dating process. You’re more likely to get “data” than a true sense of someone’s personality and character.

   Honestly, people don’t really loosen up until about date 3 or 4. Before then you’re either getting the nervous, awkward version of them or the superficial “this is what I feel safe sharing with people I don’t know well” level of information. None of this is enough to determine who they are or what they’re really like. (Unless of course they let their freak flag fly and start launching red flags in all directions. Then go ahead and call it!)

   If you can, I hope you also expand your dating strategy to people that you meet in the midst of doing other things. (Sports teams, hobbies, friend groups, etc). You’re more likely to get a good sense of who someone is more quickly if you are able to spend time with them in an environment that is more low-key and comfortable for them than a typical first date. Just try to stay out of bars, unless you’d really like to get emotionally entangled with someone who organizes their life around alcohol.

   I do think that attraction matters, but instant “meow” type chemical attraction is usually not a good sign, even though we want it to be. Go for the slow burn Betsy! Keep putting yourself out there, be open minded, and keep reminding yourself that character is revealed over time….

   It sounds like you’re doing all the right things. Good luck!
   Lisa

   Reply