Finding Love: Are You Completely Frustrated With Online Dating?
Have you been wasting your time on endless messaging that goes nowhere? Are you going out with people who look good on paper but feel “meh” in person? Do you meet promising people only to have them vanish on you?
If so, you’re not alone. Modern dating is complex and challenging, and the confusing world of online matchmaking and finding love can leave you wondering if you’re ever going to connect with the love of your life.
But with the help of an online dating and relationship coach and some free dating advice, you can finally clear the clutter out of your DMs and spark a relationship that lights up your life. And don’t worry, it’s not a long or complicated process. Read on to find out why!
The One Thing to Set You Apart
Believe it or not, there is ONE thing that you can do that will give you a huge advantage when finding love over everyone else out there dating. One mindset, one strategy, that can make you addictively attractive to everyone you meet, infuse your first dates with exciting energy, and captivate the attention of your ideal partner.
Even better? The byproduct of this novel “dating” strategy is going to be a happier, healthier, more genuinely satisfied YOU — no matter what is going on in your love life. Not only will finding love and dating start to feel productive, but you’ll also enjoy it more.
Read my latest article on the Match.com blog to get the unusual dating tip that will make dating fun again, and make YOU the unicorn that everyone is looking for…
xoxo,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self. She is a licensed psychologist, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and a board-certified coach, as well as the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.
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Need help getting my ex back and shes already in a other relationship and we have a child together and together for 8years
Ricky, I’m very sorry to hear that. I think the first step would be to determine whether or not she is willing to work on things with you. The first step of my online breakup recovery program outlines a plan to use, to see if that is even possible. If she gives you any indication that she’s open to trying this again, I would encourage you to enlist the support of a qualified marriage and family therapist who specialized in couples counseling. It sounds like there is a lot of proverbial “water under the bridge” here. I sincerely hope that there is opportunity for you to repair your relationship, and mend your family. All the best to you… Lisa
Hello,
I am 27 years and i am very helpfull.i have a hard time attracting girls. No girls ever message me and i dont know how to impress them. Can u help me
Hi there Sri! Thanks for getting in touch. I can see how this situation would be really frustrating. It sounds like you are very motivated to make positive changes though, and that’s the number one most important ingredient in getting better results! So, unfortunately, the question you’re asking is not one that can be easily answered or resolved in this format. When it comes to making changes in your dating life, it’s not an “event” but rather a process. I’m guessing that your process would involve getting some feedback about what you’re currently doing that may not be working. In order to help you it would also be necessary to learn more about your goals, the type of person you’re hoping to attract, how you’re currently going about meeting people, how you typcially “show up” in relationships, your dating history, etc. Lots of stuff here. Once we have a good understanding of your goals, your way of being, and your obstacles, THEN we can advise you on how to get better results. (Can’t fix a problem unless you know what the problem is!!)
One way to do that work is through the support of a private dating coach who can assess your goals and help you make changes to your strategy. I have also developed another resource that can walk you through many of the same steps in a less expensive, self-study format: The “Find the One” online dating class. It will walk you through many of the same exercises that we do with our private clients. The only drawback is that it can’t give you the same feedback as working with a dating coach. Another option would be to do the program, and then also have a few sessions with a coach so that you can get the best of both worlds. Here’s more info about the online dating class, as well as our private dating coaching services if you’d like to check either of them out. I hope that they help! All the best to you…. LMB
Hi William,
Yes, it can be nerve-wracking to figure out how to start a conversation with a person on a dating app like Plenty of Fish. One tip: I would recommend that you look at people’s profiles in order to get some clues about who they are, what kinds of things they are in to, and possible points of common interest. Then, when you reach out with a personalized comment like, “Hello fellow [insert name of sports team here] fan, what did you think of the game this weekend?” or “Hi there! I noticed in your profile that you have great taste in music, did you catch [insert name band here] the last time they were in town?” it is very, very easy for people to reply to you. It’s also flattering to them that you took the time and energy to learn something about them, and it makes you seem more attractive when they know that there are common interests. (Or at least, conversation starters).
When it comes to online dating in particular, people make very fast judgments about each other based on the tiniest bits of information. So prospective dates are extrapolating many things about you from everything you put out: How interesting are you? Are you funny? Do you communicate well? Are you creepy? Are you relationship material or just looking for a hook up? Are you a person of substance?
In general the biggest turn offs for women is for you to lead with something overtly sexual or referencing their looks, or a “hi” (that puts the responsibility for carrying the entire conversation back on them), and — just sayin’ bro — grammar matters. So for example, in your first message to ME I noticed a disregard for capitalization, punctuation, and spelling. I’m guessing other women might notice that as well, and it will impact their interest in responding to you. Here’s a link to a great online tool that might be helpful to you: http://www.grammarly.com. If you would like more information about all the various success strategies you should be keeping in mind when it comes to online (or IRL) dating, you might check out our “Find The One” dating class. Good luck! LMB
Am going out with a guy but now I dunno what is going on he used to initiate contact at first but complained that why should he be always initiating but lately he doesn’t initiate even when he comes online but if i chat he responds nd watch my status but he doesn’t text first now
Personally, I’d probably leave this person alone because I do not like participating in weird little mind games like the scenario you’re describing but I am a grumpy Gen-Xer. Our community here may have different perspective. What do you guys think Saleisha should do? Crowdsourcing advice for Saleisha!! 🙂 xoxo LMB
Hi Dr. Lisa
I married a man that is great to me. We are 2 years into our marriage and the in laws are breaking up our marriage. My husband is a foreigner and we got married 2 years ago. He recently received his green card, and his mother wants him to go back to China immediately, we were planning to go back together in 2 months (my cousin’s wedding), but she cannot wait. Reason for the rush is that they have this old land that they are fighting over, which nobody lives on. When I said no she threatened him with her life, so he have no choice but to go, that is his mother after all. To me and my family, that is not a good reason to leave me behind and go himself, and now my friends and family think he married me for the green card. We argue and fight over this for over a month, to me it’s the fact that our family (or me) is not his priority anymore. His actions are big disappointments. He promised me a honeymoon after he received his green card status, but instead he will be going to China to see his mother, take care of her errands, and taking her to Thailand. I feel broken. I don’t know how to get over it. Now his sister calls and insist that he stays longer than the 1 month we agreed on so he can take care of more errands for his mother. I need another person’s view other than my friend and family. I am not sure how to get over this madness that is inside me. Help. I am very stressed out, not eating or resting, and at self destruction.
Oh my goodness Joanne, what a difficult situation. I appreciate your reaching out to ask for advice. I can see how you would be feeling helpless right now, and searching for answers. Unfortunately, the situation you are describing is much more complicated than what can be addressed in this format. (Though I so dearly wish it would be possible to resolve this type of issue in a “Three Simple Steps To Get Your Spouse To Become Unenmeshed With Their Manipulative Mother And Prioritize His Wife”) Wouldn’t that be great? 😉
Seriously though, I think that the best bet for you would be to see if your husband would be willing to engage in couples counseling with you and talk about this, if he’s open to it? I understand that he is far away right now, but could online marriage counseling be an option for you? The reason I suggest that is because it sounds like 1) this is a very emotionally triggering situation for both of you and difficult to have constructive conversations and 2) there may be some serious growth-work involved for him, around how to develop an adult identity / family with you and also stay connected to his family of origin and 3) there are likely cultural expectations / realities pulling at him that he might need time and space to work through. Additionally (and understandibly) it sounds like your trust in him and confidence in his committment to you has been shaken, and that is a wound that is going to take a while to heal. Complex stuff, that is not going to change overnight.
AND it is also true that in a supportive, growth-oriented environment like the one that can be achieved through high quality marriage counseling you can absolutely get there. I would encourage you to set up a free consultation meeting with one of our online marriage counselors to begin this important work. I sincerely hope that he is open to doing this with you, and that you can find your way back together again.
In the meantime, I will also plan to add “how to handle a spouse who seems more committed to his family than to me” on my list of things to write / podcast about. It’s a painful topic, but one that many people struggle with. I’ll be sure to ping you when it’s availale.
All the best to you Joanne.
Lisa
Hi. I’m deeply in love with a man that I work with…we have have hung out a few times and he knows that I’m interested in him, but not that I love him. I see him nearly everyday and it feels like torture. I can’t find the courage to tell him and I definitely dont want to make things akward at work or worse, ruin our friendship. As a result I act really confusing around him…lately I have been running hot then cold on him and I know that isn’t helping the situation any…my reasoning for this is that if I can’t tell him how I feel then I’ll try to get over him, but its not working. I can’t bury these feelings for him. I want things to progress but I’m afraid he won’t. What can I do?
Natasha, I am so sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but if you’ve hung out with this guy a couple of times and he knows you like him, as you said, and he’s not expressing similar interest in you… it’s probably not in your best interest to pursue this. In addition to the possibility of embarrassing yourself spectacularly, you’re doing this at work. Like, other people are watching. I don’t know how invested you are in this career or in this particular position, but if you’re not careful here you could lose more than a possible love interest.
Furthermore, consider what happens next if he DOES like you back? And you work together? And you have (inevitable) relationship conflict? Or what if you break up eventually? And you still have to see him every day? No less than the late, great Oscar Wilde said, “When the Gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers.”
I have worked with so many people who have gone “fishing in the company pond” and have lived to regret it, deeply. I hope, for your sake, he doesn’t like you enough to get involved with you, and that you put your energy into connecting with and dating men who do not bring seventeen suitcases full of potential complications with them. You asked for my opinion! xoxo, Lisa
Hi, Dr. Lisa
I recently got dumped by my gf of six months. we have been in love with each other for five years but had just recently gotten together mostly due to me having a lot of emotional issues from my childhood. i finally felt ready for the relationship and everything was going fine until i got a call from a detective who was reopening the case against my childhood abuser. the rehashing of this trauma caused me to become inattentive and just not a good gf. in the end my ex was so worried about me and felt so much pressure from me she couldn’t stay in the relationship any longer and broke things off. I felt like a complete failure we didnt talk for about three months and i had made no progress getting over her. we go to the same school and i must see her constantly eventually we started to hang out again but when we did she crossed a few touching boundaries which confused me but excited me. i asked her if this meant we could be together again sometime in the near future. she said no but also said she does not know what could happen in the future. eventually after cuddling and being near one another she said that this was all too confusing and she felt stuck and has since placed boundaries on our relationship. I am so sad i don’t know what to do all i want is to be with her but she doesn’t want me. i need to come up with a plan to get her back. help me?
So… Georgia. I’m hearing you say that your Ex is telling you that she needs boundaries… and here you are asking me to help you figure out how to get her back, without consideration for her stated boundaries. Like, “Dr Lisa, never mind what she says about how she feels or what she wants, this is what I want and my pain is more important than her needs so help me figure out how to make her do what I want her to do, whether or not it’s what she wants.”
Georgia: until you do some growth work around who YOU are in relationships you’re probably going to keep having the experience of people pulling themselves away from you. You mentioned you have a trauma history, and that it’s impacting the way you show up day to day. I am glad that you are aware that your past is impacting your present, and I believe it will be really important for you work with a great therapist (licensed, in-person, locally) who has expertise around trauma, and who can help you work through this.
I am hearing that you are longing for a healthy, committed relationship. The first step in achieving that is making an investment in yourself, and getting yourself in a good place so that you can be a good partner. You deserve the kind of love you’re looking for Georgia, but the path to that is not through other people — it’s through focusing on your health and healing first. I hope you do. Wishing you all the best, Lisa
Hi Dr.Lisa,
I’ve met this guy a year and three months ago, we started dating and things somehow took a turn into a grey zone phase, the undefined zone, but before going any further I’d like to highlight he has some issues as he caught his wife 6 years ago cheating on him which pushed him to a divorce, I feel what really broke his heart is the decision that he had to make while having young kids, my take on that I feel he punishes himself, knowing that he was the one that was pushed to take such a step, and it mainly affected him when it comes to enteractions with females, he mainly invests a bit and then cuts it’s off hiding behind an emotionally unavailable attitude, our encounter survived this year and three months I guess because I was so not needy, tried my best to understand his situation and never put pressure on him to understand our positioning, and yes it did get intimate between us at several times, but I felt he went hiding after that and I never chased till he came back, I know you’ll ask why tolerate all that, obviously coz I fell head over heels for him hoping and wishing he’ll get out of it by me comforting and being there with less demands and the sad/funny part I’m a very sucesseful good looking women with a lineup of men waiting for my approval (I know that may sound superficial but it’s the truth) and he sees it and sometimes questions it while a diffuse it with a joke and turn the subject.. till recently I think I had it, i was totally triggered he was more flirty and we ended up sleeping together, and on the next day he gave me the we’re frinds talk, and I flipped I guess it was the first time him seeing that side of me and I went totally MIA in two weeks I got a funny video which I replied to with an emoji in 6h next morning another funny forward video which I replied to with another emoji which he provoked with a text that I totally ignored, I’m going through a no contact rule but not feeling comfortavle as he may assume that I’m not interested anymore after him reaching out a couple of time after I snapped out, need your assistance..
Daniella, I’m so glad that you reached out with this question. I’ve had it in mind to do a podcast on this subject of “vague relationships and how to handle them” and would love to use your question as an illustration. (I will be sure to ping you if / when I do.) But for now, the short answer is… cut it off. I’m so sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but this is not a relationship. I talk with women all the time who dangle on the end of strings like these for literally years. YEARS. It never, ever ends well. They, like you, tell themselves all kinds of stories about “why it’s not a good time for him,” or “he was traumatized by a past relationship,” or “I just need to give him time.” All of that is nonsense. Men fall in love hard and fast, and if a guy wanted to be with you he would move heaven and earth to make it happen. It is also true that (though I hate to say it) many men will stay in comfortable, “good enough for now” situations with obliging, hopeful women while they wait for something better to come along.
YOU deserve to be loved by someone who is absolutely crazy about you. So stop talking to this guy, block his dumb breadcrumb-bait videos, and put your time and energy into relationships with men who will give you the love and respect you deserve. If he’s into you he will drive to your house with six dozen red roses and a mariachi band to bang on your door and beg for another chance with tears streaming down his face. Unless that happens, consider this case closed and move on. I hope that you take your power back! Cheering for you – LMB
Hey Lisa,
I’m currently 21 years old and I’m currently going to welding tech school at a community college in a Southern Iowa city of about 25,000. I’m still currently from a city in Northern Missouri with a current population of 17,000. I currently doing online dating right now because it’s more easier form me to find a date since I’m on the Autism Spectrum. But I’m mildly autistic, so it’s still pretty easier for me to find a date for the most part. I still manage to go out with a girl in my high school senior prom so my disability didn’t stop me.
I’m currently on Bumble, Badoo, OKCupid, WooPlus, Match, Zoosk, and POF. I’ve recently taken a dating personality test online and I’ve gotten these results:
My dating personality profile:
Big-Hearted – You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love.
Romantic – You know exactly how to melt your date’s heart. Romance comes naturally to you and is an important component of any relationship you have.
Adventurous – Just sitting around the house is not something that appeals to you. You love to be out trying new things and really experiencing life.
My dating match profile:
Religious – You seek someone who is grounded in faith and who possesses religious values. You believe that a religious person can enhance your life.
Big-Hearted – You want someone compassionate, someone gentle and kind. A loving, nurturing person will fill that hole in your life.
Practical – You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living.
On my online dating profiles, I would often say this. I’ve manage to get a few girls to like me from nearby where I live in Missouri and even sometimes from nearby where I go to tech school. But I don’t think this is really helping.
“I’m a kind and caring person who loves music, sports, and goes out to try new things. I’m also very compassionate, sensible, and nurturing.”
I think I’m having trouble trying to open myself quite a bit since I’ve never really had a girlfriend before in my life (Although there were a few girls that might’ve been before in my life).
So, what I’m asking is what else should I say on my online dating profiles? Base on my results, how can I put that all together in one paragraph without making sound boring on my dating profiles?
I hope to hear back from you soon.
Sincerely,
Kyle
Hi Kyle!! Thank you for getting in touch with your question. It sounds like you’re doing a great job of putting yourself out there, and I commend you for that.
I am hearing that you are eager to get some direction on how to improve your online dating profile. Unfortunately I cannot give you specific recommendations in this format. Even if it was ethical for me to do so, it likely wouldn’t help much anyway: Being attractive to your ideal partner is much more than figuring out the points to list in your online profile. You’re a whole package.
Part of a successful modern dating strategy is having a good profile, sure, but unfortunately it’s not that simple. There are many subtle social cues to take into consideration, with everything from the photos you share, to the way you interact with people you meet online, and also in person. You also need to get clear about what kind of person you’re hoping to connect with — not everyone is going to be a match!
Lastly it may be especially important for you to take advantage of all your opportunities to meet people “IRL” as well as online in order to be successful.
In summary, it sounds like you might be a great candidate for getting involved in private dating coaching. A good dating coach can help you get clear about the right partner for you, understand your blindspots, figure out how to communicate your strengths, make a great first, second and third impression, and also meet people in person too.
Particularly with being on the Autism spectrum, I would caution you to shy away from any cookie-cutter approaches or programs, or overly simplistic advice. You’re not a cookie!! Having a tailored strategy, ongoing coaching and skills training, and support will be super-helpful for you. On my team, I’d recommend my colleague, dating coach Markie Keelan. She’s fantastic, and I think she could be of great help to you.
Good luck with things Kyle!!
Good day,ma’am,am 21 years old … I met this guy 4months ago , he was really good, showed me love, we had a good communication, am an,undergraduate and my school is far from him so we only see seldomly ….though the communication was good and great , I knew his family and we were very happy not until we had sex , I got pregnant and though he was happy and warned it but I didn’t want it because I have few,months to,my final exams so,I aborted it and he was unhappy…. Since then the communication reduced drastically, he,only calls me twice a day now unlike b4, we don’t chat well again…. He always tell,me he’s busy ….. I don’t know what to do ….I feel lonely now and I don’t know if he has lost interest in,me…. Could u advice me…I Will b glad to see you mail me
Oh my goodness dear, what a hard situation. I am so sorry that you have had to go through such a terrible thing. I think that your suspicions are probably correct. This is not the way a person who wants a good relationship with you behaves. When someone wants to be with you, they will show that to you. That is not this.
I sincerely hope that you make YOU the priority from here on out: Focus on your studies, your friends, and healthy empowering relationships with people who treat you well. You deserve that Janet. Set your sights on your future, and recommit to creating the life you want and avoiding untrustworthy people who might pull you off your path. Will be thinking of you Janet…. xo, Lisa
Ps: You might consider listening to this podcast, “Coping With Disappointment.” I hope it helps.
Hello Lisa,
I’ve been dating this girl we really hit it off had 2 fun dates after the second she spend the night 2 nights in a row, got to second base. After this I went on vacation with some family for 4 weeks, I was bored to death, so I was texting her (i now realize it was way to much and a bit to needy). She mentioned things were moving to fast for her. When I got back we went on one more date that seemed kinda boring all the sudden. Than she told me She was just not in love with me and did not really feel like having a relationship atm. She added she wanted to stay friends. Have not talked to her since (a month). I know I will encounter her at some point since our friends hooked us up. What would be my best course of action from here.
Thank you.
Move her back into the “acquaintance” category Timo. If you happen to run into her, smile, say hi, and then find some excuse to move on — say hi to another friend, say you need to put quarters in the meter, or excuse yourself to the restroom. If she is interested in talking to you, she will find a way to re-engage with you. If not, let it go.
Hi Dr.Lisa, I am 19y/o and here’s what has been happening with me…
#honestly, 2yrs back I wasn’t into social medias,chatting, dating or any such thing.i was more of a happy go lucky type of person.i didn’t have a single s.m. Account.
#i was interested in anime and stuff so i accidently joined amino community, a social media for all anime lovers…first I was scared but slowly I started liking it. In the first two days of usage I met a guy with similar preferences of animes like me…we became friends and he seemed really innocent cool funny and exactly my type of a guy.
>I started liking him unknowingly…being a novice in romantic skills and how dense of my own self I was…it also seemed we got attached to each other sharing every possible thing…it also looked like he was interested in me as well, I showed ignorance in order to get him to confess first.
>but this went on without any result for next 5months after which he suddenly told me that a girl confessed to him and he finds her cute, so they started dating…bruhh!! it was such an emotional torture, it was then when I actually realized the severity of my feelings for him. I congratulated him painfully and decided to move on…I left the app for a while.
> I also had crucial academic 2 years going on…but I couldn’t control my feelings and I ruined most of my academics out of anxiety..i turned short tempered and fought back on smallest things. After 6 months of this torture…I decided to go back and confess…fortunately to know he broke up with her in just 2months…but before I could confess..he left the app and there was no communication between us. Then I decided another way to forget him… I dated 3-4 random guys for 2-3months each but nothing worked out …i only loved him.
> few months later I got his instagram account from a mutual friend and made my own account to follow him up…i confessed to him only to get rejected. Then,in vain i again dated a guy for 4months and broke up. Uncontrollably, I again confessed to him…again to be rejected bcz he doesn’t wanna date online (moreover we live 2500km apart) …i literally underwent depression for quite a while…
> recently, we have started talking to each other again and we are as close as we were 2yrs back before his betrayal. And shockingly, he’s is “directly” very flirty and goes sexual and possessive in a way you only do with the person you like. He is making plans to come and meet me…says he wants to have sex with me…he plans out all the romantic “sex” dates and he’s acting sometimes caring as well. He gets noticeably jealous if I talk to my other guy friends. He’s very unpredictable and I don’t get what to expect from this…i do love him but I can’t force myself on him…i don’t really know what to do anymore…i keep thinking about him and the problem is, this happens all only during my exams and I end up ruining everything, upsetting my personal life and parents. Please help me out of this torment…i have tried every possible way to get him and to forget him…none worked now it’s hurting physically and emotionally.
# I even tried suicide attempt after second rejection. I lied to my parents that it was bcz of academics …but I don’t want to do it again nor can I live like this. I have university exams coming up in a month and I m gonna fail it…if this goes on.
P.S. I apologise for such long essay.
Lianna, I’m sorry for your loss and I’m also really worried about you. I’m hearing that this is an incredibly painful time for you, which is understandable, but that it’s gotten to the point that it has impacted your ability to function and led you to attempt suicide. This is more than a bad breakup, this is a psychiatric emergency. You are in school: Please, please, please if you have not already, go immediately to your university counseling center and tell them what is going on for you. You will have access to mental health services and people who can support you through this.
I have no advice for anything related to your relationship. It is time for you to stop focusing on your Ex, and what he is doing or not doing, and start focusing on yourself and what you need to be well. Please, get into therapy with someone local who can help you with things like self-care, learning how to redirect your thoughts, manage your emotions, process the pain, and heal.
I know it hurts now, but with the right help a few years from now this is just going to be another life experience that helped you grow into a strong, confident woman who knows who she is and how to have healthy relationships. You’ll have school behind you, and a wide-open future to design whatever life you choose. That can be your future Lianna. How incredibly tragic it would be for you to lose your opportunity for an education, your future career, or even your life over this temporary pain.
Thank you for reaching out. Now go reach out to your college counseling center, and connect with the people who are ready and waiting to help you!
Sincerely,
Lisa Marie Bobby
I have been seeing a guy for about 6 months. He is in grad school right now. Every time we start to get serious, he pulls back. He says he is just not ready for a serious relationship, because his school and studies are consuming him right now. He doesn’t want to get into a relationship because he cannot give 100% right now. He says when he finishes school, we can start seeing each other more and see where things go, but he just can’t make a relationship a priority right now, but if he could, it would be with me. Should I keep being friends with this guy and show him the unconditional love and support that I can be, maybe he will realize he can have school and a healthy relationship? Or should I completely back off and move on? I don’t want to lose him if there is a chance.
Great question Sarah! I wonder if there is a “middle path” option here? Such as: Date other people, create a happy fulfilling life without him, and be happy to take his call if/when he reaches out. Of course, when he does, be sure to let him know that you are very much in demand with many irons in the fire. Oh, and take your time getting back to him — a little anxiety on his part may help him feel a little more motivated to show up for you. As for the part about your being “unconditionally loving and supportive,” please, woman to woman here, save that for someone who has earned it. He has not. Get busy! xo, Lisa
Hi Lisa,
Hope you are doing well.
I am literally in love with a girl at my workplace and things aren’t going smooth between us.
We used to talk normally and I ‘thought’ she also liked me and then one day I called her up(took her number from office directory , though she was fine with it but I feel I f***d up here) and told her that I really like you to which she replied “I don’t know what to say and this is something new for me”. After that the call got disconnected due to some network issue or maybe it was deliberate.
After the call I messaged her that ” Am sorry , I rushed in expressing my feelings for you and I won’t bother you again”
I don’t know if I did the correct thing by messaging her.
It has been three weeks that we are in no contact and she has also not tried to contact me.
I am bemused and also in a lot of pain.
Should I go and talk to her or simply give up ?
I am wondering if she has a boyfriend and trying to figure out what can possibly be the reason.
Please help me Lisa , kindly give me some solution.
Waiting for your reply.
Hi Napoleon! Thanks for your question. You know, when we are in the grips of strong feelings it is an easy, common thing to project those feelings onto other people and think that they might feel the same way we do. It can be especially confusing if the person we’re crushing on is pleasant or friendly to us. Frequently, in these situations, when one person has been carrying a torch for another and then makes their feelings known it creates feelings of shock and even dismay in the crush-ee. (To the great embarrassment of the crush-er.)
So yes, I would agree with your concern that your messaging was not a good idea. The best course of action for you would be to absolutely avoid contacting her or communicating with her for anything other than an absolutely necessary, job-appropriate interaction. Anything else and you run the risk of being perceived a creeper or even worse, sexually harassing her. On the job. #metoo #lawsuit
Hello Dr LISA. I’m 20 years old college student. I’m known as a funny guy always making jokes on everything and doesn’t care about anything important. There is a girl, she’s the best friend of one of my close friends. We had hardly known each other. The day we first chat, my friends told my most embarrassing story to her because of their habbits. The second time we met, we were drunk and she joined us sober for 30 mins or so. We had a very nice and deep conversation even that I was drunk. She thanked me for this chat and left but I didn’t flirted with her that day. My friend told me I was doing good with her as he observed. I spoke with her two more times and yesterday she told my friend that Barry is talking too much. And the real problem is my friend told me that she dated with very muscular guys like Greek gods until today. She tells him that she is looking for someone she can talk deep stuff or so but she’s falling for muscular retards all the time. I’m not even a fit person, not fat but not fit either. He told me I have a very very very very very low chance since he knows her for seven years. Do you think it’s worth to try and if you think like that what should I do?
Hi Barry Ocean. Sure, no harm to talk with her some more and see if she seems interested. May help to lay off the booze: Extremely drunk men are not actually that attractive to most women, especially women who are craving deeper emotional intimacy. Good luck!
Hi dr.lisa I really need your advice in my relationship problem. I’ve been dating this man for over one year now but recently I felt sad very often and maybe it’s because I am very dependent on him. This feeling has disturbed me deeply. He always busy and had no time to have a deep talk with me. I do love him but at the same time I want my hapiness back. Should I broke up or ask him for some space. I fix it but how to fix it?
Hope to hear a reply from you dr. Thank u
Hi Anne, thanks for your question. It’s one I’ve been hearing a lot lately, “What should I do if I’m in a relationship where I’m not being treated very well?” I’m planning to create an episode of The Love, Happiness and Success Podcast to address this situation in depth, so please check back for that soon. (Blog link here.)
However, the short answer is this: Assume that the “relationship experience” you’re currently having with this person is how it’s always going to be with him. Is this okay for you? My guess is that it’s not: You want (and deserve) more. To butcher the immortal words of no less than Oprah, “You teach other people how to treat you.” How would you be acting if you believed that this right here was not good enough for you? My guess is that you’d be getting busy, and filling up your life with positive activities and relationships, and spending time with people who treated you as well as you treated them.
If you do that, at some point this guy might look up and think, “Where’d she go?” And maybe then, put a little more effort into his relationship with you. Or maybe not. Either way, you’d be better off — wouldn’t you agree?
Love yourself first Anne!
With love,
Lisa
Hello, Dr. Lisa.
I met this guy at a store on and he works there, by the way. And I have to say, he’s everything I look for in a guy. He’s warm and kind and polite and solid. I even pretended to be interested in whatever the store sells, just so he could just talk to me. I only met him twice.
The second time ( a Saturday night ), when I walked into the store, he recognized me immediately, to my surprise, and he smiled and waved at me. Again, I did the same thing all over again, feigning interest in the products and then we made small talk again. He had to leave me alone to attend to other customers for some time and I was grateful for that because I needed to muster the courage to ask him out. At that time, another male sales assistant was attending to me.
Okay, so maybe it was just me, but I noticed that he seemed nervous. After he was unoccupied, he was kinda “pacing” behind the other sales assistant that I mentioned earlier. But then he leaned against the glass display case, folded his arms across his chest and asked if I was doing anything that night. It was a purely innocent conversation but I did flirt with him a bit. Before I left, I finally grew a pair of lady balls (haha) and asked him out for coffee.
Yeah, he agreed, telling me he “Might be off on Monday” and that he would text me the time and everything. He handed me his cellphone and I saved my number in there. I didn’t get his, actually. Problem is, he hasn’t texted or called and I was depressed about it when I considered the possibilities.
One, he just might not be interested. Two, maybe he was just busy and got called in. Three, I forgot to add in the country calling code at that time. It really never came across my mind at that time. He’s not local, you see, so I fear that maybe he’s not using a local line/phone number and that he just doesn’t know that he needed to dial in the calling code? Maybe he tried to text but he just couldn’t reach me?
Thing is, I have never dated before and I’m new to all of this. I used to have a crush before but I never really showed interest.
Doctor, I really need your advice. Should I pay a visit to the store again and just say “Oh I’m just in the area. Thought I’d stop by and say hi”? I really do not want to come off as needy or desperate. I just want to know why he hasn’t texted me yet.
I really hope to hear from you soon. Thank you.
Hey Aelin! Agh! The angst of a crush! I think everyone reading your story (Lisa raises hand) can so totally relate. I could expound, at length on why these situations are so darn nerve wracking but I have already done so in a podcast, “How to Deal With New Relationship Anxiety (subtitled, “Does he like me? Should I call? Should I text? What do I do? Aaaaagggh!)” in case anyone is interested.
Short answer: Yes. Put on some mascara, construct some rationale for why you needed to stop by this store anyway (just in case) and go. Something about the way you related this story makes me think a certain someone may be very relieved to see you. 🙂
xoxo, Lisa Marie Bobby
I like a guy and he was in a relationship when things happened. He started hiring on me at a party and I did the wrong thing. Nothing happened (thankfully) and he broke up with his girlfriend. He is ignoring me and I don’t know what to do.
Let’s assume, for your sake, that this person has some things to figure out before they’re ready to date anyone. He may have complex feelings about his Ex. He may or may not be interested in you. (As a general rule when guys like you they do not ignore you). Let it go. Do your own thing. If he’s interested in talking to you he knows where to find you. If he does get in touch, I’ll leave it up to you as to whether you’d like to get romantically involved with someone who you know for a fact cheats on his partners and is not a fantastic communicator.
All the best,
Lisa Marie Bobby
Hello, Dr. Lisa. There’s a guy I like who had recently become my close friend. The first time we met, it looked like he’s interested in me as he was always sitting beside me or is always near me whenever we hang out as a group. He was also the one who initiated that we talk almost everynight. But he keeps mentioning about a girl that he used to like. His situation is a bit conplicated but the gist of it is, he cannot have her because his friend is extremely obsessed with her. Although he keeps saying he doesn’t feel anything for her anymore, it seems his feelings for her is being rekindled. I see it as a sign to move on, but it also seems like he wants to be with me all the time either on the phone or in person. When he goes to work, he wants me to hangout there. He always asks to hang out at my house, and he always calls every night till we both fall asleep. Our calls average 5-6 hours every night. Sometimes I even feel like he wants to hog me all for himself. I don’t know what it all means and why he’s doing it. If I know I have a chance with him, I can wait for him to settle his feelings. But I need advice on what the right thing to do is.
I was dating this guy for 3 months. We had an instant connection and we are very, very similar. Before our first date we both said it felt like we were going out for dinner with our long time bf/gf. We talked all day everyday, hung out all the time; both low key movie nights and date nights out. He even planned a surprise weekend trip for me. Then out of no where he said he’s not sure if he has “that feeling” or if he ever will. Since then we still talk everyday and we’ve hung out. However he has gotten bumble again. I have this gut feeling that things aren’t over for us. But when I talk to him about it you can tell that he has made up his mind. How do I know if he’s running away because things were getting serious (he warned me he does this) or if I’m just in denial that it’s over. Do i keep fighting and keep him in my life or should I move on?
Move on. I will say this to you, and to any other women who might be reading this: Never, ever, ever waste time on someone who isn’t sure how he feels about you. It’s your job to communicate your value and worth in a relationship and settling for anything less than a guy who is crazy about you is not acceptable. The alternative is wasting months, perhaps years of your life in a quasi-relationship where you’re always going to be on the ropes, and twisting yourself into a pretzel to win the affections of this person. If a guy is into you, you will know.
Okay now let’s talk about you: If you’re willing to sacrifice your needs to help someone else “work through their issues”, and if it’s okay with you to attach yourself to someone who “always does this,” and if it feels really hard for you to believe that you actually do deserve to be in a relationship with someone who thinks you are the best person in the universe…. we should talk.
The issue may be less about this guy, or the others like him, and more about you and your feelings about yourself. Until those change this pattern may continue to play out in your life, with your getting entangled with people who are not going to give you the love and respect you deserve. May be time for some individual therapy or coaching my dear! LMB
So my ex keeps getting in contact then it’s fine untill all of a sudden he kicks off drags up the past and blockes me and he repeats the cycle I don’t contact him first bit he keeps coming back after telling me he done and it’s over
My ex broke up with me 3wks ago we have lived with each other for 2 yrs and just moved out a wk ago. She said there was a disconnect and didnt know if it could brought back but told her 18 yo son that she thinks we can get back together but she needs space.she says she loves me keeps my picture on her phone but does have her best friend not wanting us back we still do things with her daughter (8yo) I admitted that wasnt there emotionally or physically for 4 months as I was going through a real hard time I acknowledged that I was wrong I know what I did and how not to do it again and is giving me a chance to prove to her but I’m worried she’ll listen to outside talks and not her heart please help me with advice to get us back together
Nick, I’m sorry to hear this. From the information you’ve provided I can’t know if there is hope for this relationship, or not. (I also don’t know enough about you, or her, or the contributing factors to your split to have any idea what would make her reconsider getting back together with you).
What I DO know is that the way to lay everything out on the table productively and start having healing conversations that create change and renew hope is by getting involved in great couples counseling. If that is something she’d also be open to, I hope you make a consultation with us to meet with a couples therapist, together, and talk about the possibility of mending your relationship. (Or, if that is not possible, getting some support for yourself as you deal with this difficult transition). Wishing you all the best Nick… Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
I have a problem. I have been having sensual casual sex with my friend for over a decade. I am not sure what types of relationships he has had during that time but we recently had sex and it was wonderful. So, since then we we’re interacting on facebook. Now he hasn’t really said or commented to me in any way from 3 days. What should I do? I refuse to get in my head and belittle myself in regards to the reason this has happened. I wanted to ask him but I am scared. Please tell me what to do!
Jamillah, thanks for getting in touch. Based on the little bit I know, it sounds to me like this is more than you emotionally than “having sex with your friend” (FOR A DECADE). I wonder if it’s time to do some work on YOUR end about what is going on for you with this, what you want for your life, and whether or not this is the path for you to get it. If you haven’t already, please check out this article: “Are You Addicted to a Toxic Relationship?”
My concern for you is that you’re dangling on the end of a string here, feeling very attached to a person (as evidenced by how worried you are when they don’t respond to you on social media) and that it’s not good for you long term to stay in this place. I wonder if it’s time to either see if this relationship could be a real relationship that meets your legitimate needs for security and connection…. or if it’s time to get off the bus.
We’re here to support you on either path Jamillah — good luck!
Sincerely, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
So.. My story is way too long and impossible to explain in a few lines. but I will skip on all the details and stick to the major picture.
back in 2009, I met a girl, and we’ve been together for years until 2014 where we broke up for a couple of reasons. Mainly it has to do with me feeling sick every single day.
I went into depression and made all the mistakes that one man can possibly do.
We tried no contact at first, but eventually, after a couple of weeks she came back, we tried to talk she cried, I cried it was a mess, a mutual decision was just to cut contacts.
And So it Began. my Endless quest of getting her back.
For 4 months I didn’t text her or anything and sent her a handwritten letter, no reply.
Months flew by, I wished her happy birthday and so on, and she replied happily, but we didn’t establish a communication line.
at the end of 2015 I managed to travel to her town, we met, she was so happy to see me she almost cried, we talked for about 2 hours, with the promise to talk again “Slowly” and see how it goes. It didn’t happen.
Mostly it has to do with the fact that I was still showing a lot of insecurities and anxiety.
I went into depression again, and totally downhill and not a single text from my side to her.
2016 7 8 didn’t text her once, and one day out of the blue I sent her a message that she replied after a week. We exchanged a few messages they were all cool she had a laugh at my jokes and so on I felt the same “affinity” that we had back in the days. But she says that she can’t stay in contact with me or friends, even if our relationship was amazing and that I was an amazing person that she will always remember.
This motivated me “better late than never” to improve my self, i started studying again, working on my self, got a therapist to fix all my Self esteem issues and so on, and especially anxiety.
I tried after 2 months then to send her a message again, really cool and neutral with a joke but at the same time I asked for some advice on my Math homework since she really liked and loved Math, but she didn’t reply.
I’m renewing my self, to a whole new level, and i realized i still love her.
Is it possible to get her back I wonder? if I show her that I’m Dependable (still don’t know how, but I know this is the key)
Lory, I’m so glad that you are using this experience as a catalyst for personal growth. We are often motivated to grow and evolve when we recognize that old ways of being are no longer serving us. I am hearing that this relationship helped you identify your areas of growth and self improvement and I am glad that happened. Silver lining Lory!
I’m also hearing that there was damage done and trust broken over the course of your involvement with this person, and that she is done. She has asked you to stop contacting her. You can show her that you are dependable and a different person by hearing her, and leaving her alone. If she would like to talk to you, she knows where to find you.
In the meantime, I hope that you use your personal growth work as a vehicle to help you connect with others and form healthy, strong, and enduring new relationships. It sounds like you’re on a wonderful new path to creating those. I hope that you can move past sadness and longing for this particular person, and shift into gratitude for the new path that this relationship inspired in your life.
Choose joy Lory!
All the best,
Lisa
Hi, I me and my boyfriend have been dating for 3.5 years. We are moving in together soon in August. I am patiently waiting for a proposal but am also going crazy. He says it will happen within a year. What is my best strategy to speed up his timeline?? Thanks!
Hi Grace! You know, I liked your question so much that I actually answered it on the latest episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast! It’s the one called, “Free Relationship Advice From a Marriage Counselor.” I hope you check it out, and that my perspective helps you make the decision that is the right one for you.
All the best, Lisa
Hello (i have never been in a relationship or been to a date tho approached by a few and asked out but had no feelings to any..)
Now.. There is a mutual liking between me and someone. I am 23 and he is 28. we haven’t been on a date. yet. It is just been a week since we ever got to know eachother. He asked me out a couple of times throughout this week. He is got a good personality. But.. he is way too playful for me. I made that clear that it makes me uncomfortable tho. But he says he does what he feels like doing (spontaneous). I had to cut him off now. But I still wanna talk and hang out with him (know him more). but it is his playfullness that turns me off. Now, what am i supposed to do? Talk to him again and set some ground rules? or just leave? or are there other options? Please tell me. I am so confused.
Someone who makes you feel uncomfortable and who doesn’t respect your boundaries gets a hard-stop, in my book. Find other people to hang out with!
Hey, theres a guy in my class who I’ve started to like. I was in a project with him last week and the group was talking about how much they hated their jobs, but I like mine (I work at a car detail). I dont talk to him all that much, but would it be a smart desition to talk to him about my job, say that we’re hiering and offer to get his car detailed so he could check out the fecility? It’s a conversation, but would it be too forward?
The guy is reserved and pretty closed off most of the time. My question is, how can I get his attention and try to build the possibility of a relationship?
Hey Sarah! I like your idea of attempting to talk with him about general things, and toss out low-key opportunities to spend more time together. If he doesn’t “bite” then you probably have enough information to know that he’s not interested in getting to know you better. And THAT IS OKAY. You deserve love and respect, and it’s much better to know that there’s no water in that particular well, so that you can move on and start chatting up other cute guys. (And, final thought, it is also possible that someone who is not romantically interested in you might say, “heck yeah I want my car detailed for free” so you might want to expand your conversational repertoire. Just saying.) Godspeed Sarah! LMB
Hi Lisa
I’m 19 year old girl and I really need some advice. I hadn’t really liked anybody untill i met this guy who is now my friend. We flirted back and forth for quite a while but nothing really happened.
Our relationship has been on and off for a while now. I’m not sure what happens but we both kind of go quiet and stop talking. And then after some time start again.
He has given me many signs that he likes me. For example he’s very interested to know what type of music I listen to, he teases me and comments on my photos. We used to text a lot and he was sending me hearts and saying things that made me positive about his feelings towards me.
Me and my friends (who are in the same friend group as him) are sure that he likes me but still he doesn’t make a move. Now that i have been seeing some other guys he seems very interested and wants to know everything. I’m not sure what to think anymore because I still like him but also I would like to know if I should just move on with this other guy.
Susan, thanks for reaching out. It sounds like you’re working really, really hard to basically read this person’s mind, and hope to gain understanding about his true feelings and intentions without actually talking to him about what is actually happening. You are attributing meaning to things that feel significant to you. I don’t know if they are significant to him or not… and neither do you, currently.
As a marriage counselor that works with a lot of couples, one common mistake I see people make (especially women) that brings a lot of misery and conflict, is to rely on mind-reading and indirect forms of communication rather than actually talking. A very important relationship skill that will be invaluable to you both now, and as you continue to grow and mature, is to practice having open and honest conversations with people instead of twisting yourself into pretzels trying to figure out what they mean by certain behaviors, or decipher indirect comments. Not only is this exhausting, and emotionally tormenting — your (our) assumptions are usually wrong anyway.
Healthy, satisfying relationships require the ability to talk about things, using words. If your hope or intention is to have a real relationship with this person, I would recommend that you simply ask him how he feels about you and whether he’d like to date. (And tell him that you’d be interested in dating him).
Then, you guys can either launch a romance, or you can stop expending all this mental energy and get on with your life.
All the best to you Susan…
Lisa
We had a strong connection. We moved in right away. Everything was good but he was always busy for work because he Moved there to work for that time. so we weren’t spending much time together and kinda grew apart a little. We dated for 6 months. Lived together for 3 months. But We already knew eachother for a year. We met on vacation. And lived in different states. Anyways My dad got sick that 3rd month we lived together and I had to fly back home. He died in a matter of a week. My ex also had to fly back home for work and and we weren’t much in contact during that time. His father died 3 months after mine. We talked once and he cried over the phone telling me he didn’t understand me until now. I was trying to be there for him but I knew he needed space. this time I was trying to find myself again. And we lost contact but always had that connection. Random texts.
When I was ready to receive love again. I met the father of my daughter and dated for 6 month and when I wanted to leave him because I was having thoughts of my last relationship not ending in a proper way. I was pregnant. I had to do the best for my baby and I stayed in this relationship. I fell in love with him because we were pregnant. During this time I never posted anything on social media no one had a clue I was pregnant until right before I gave birth I posted my maternity shoot. My ex called me immediately asking me if it was his child. We haven’t talked in since his dads pass. I told him I knew who the dad was. Then I didn’t hear from him for another year. It was my birthday I was flying to Hawaii. Did a transfer where my ex lived. He saw and messaged me right away trying to meet up knowing I was with my family and I respected my man I didn’t. I finally started posting my family on social media and right away my ex started posting his new relationship and how happy he was and that tore me apart. So that told me he moved on. Another year pass and by this time my current relationship is falling apart. We took the desicion to brake up and co parent our child. Randomly ex sends me a picture and asking when he going to see me again. I told him for his birthday this next coming month. Then the next day he posted he went to Hawaii with his ex? I’m so confused because I wanted to talk to about everything. I thought he was single. I wanted to try again but in a proper way. Serious this time. I know what I want. No games. We never broke up properly. I feel like I cheated because I got pregnant..
Hi Dr. Lisa, I would like any advice at all. I was recently dumped by my gf of 4 years. We were engaged and she even picked out the ring. We used to go to college together and see eachother everyday until we both graduated and got jobs that were 2 hours apart. Since then I know I have changed. I lost all confidence in myself always needing validation from her that she still wanted to be with me. I would constantly text her and call her and overpursue her which I now know only pushed her away. She broke up with me over the phone and said she didn’t see us ever getting back together unless she had a huge change of heart. I tried to talk her out of it on the phone before ultimately giving up and telling her goodbye. After that night I have been in no contact with her in any way shape or form for 30 days exactly today. I am guilty of checking her social media recently and saw she posted a selfie of herself which she doesn’t normally do. I took it as she’s trying to put herself out there for other guys to see she’s single. Does this mean she could care less about me and is moving on or is it possibly an act? I’m completely lost. If you have any advice at all I would greatly appreciate it.
Marty, you’re not going to like this, but my advice is to stop looking at her social media (like, block her Marty) and get yourself involved in some high quality breakup recovery work. You are clearly grieving and longing for her, and time does NOT heal this. Breakup recovery coaching is something we specialize in here at Growing Self and we have lots of great people who can work with you.
My hope is that you get the support you need to grieve this, process all the feelings, wring this experience of all it’s precious life lessons, rebuild your confidence, and then move on to create a healthy, satisfying relationship with someone who loves you back. You deserve that! You can get started by scheduling your free consultation with one of the breakup recovery coaches on our team. I hope you do! xoxo, Lisa
I’ve been talking to this guy for about a 1 month he’s amazing in person but a horrible Texter and I have a 1 year old he has no kids every time I have thought about breaking up with him I just cry I really can’t imagine life with him any tips ?
Hello. I want to give you a little back story before asking my question. It’s not a comprehensive backstory but gets you up to speed on the specific question. My ex girlfriend has been dating someone for about 4 months. They would see each other about only every three weeks(ish) and never talk on the phone. She would text him several sentences several times a day and he would respond short responses hours later, sometimes half or a full day later. The start of their relationship was a little weird, the first time they met he told her he loved her and wanted to get her pregnant and married by the end of December.
I told my ex my opinion about it all and she says I got inside her head. On NYE I sent her boyfriend a message and told him that my ex and I had been spending a lot of time together and that we’ve been sleeping together. All very much the truth. I only did this after she got into my phone and messaged a female friend of mine the same thing. My ex’s boyfriend responded to my ex very upset and I feel they are going to end. My ex is pissed at me. What do I do? I feel absolutely terrible and starting to think I should tell my ex’s boyfriend I was lying so they won’t breakup. Even though that’s not what I want to happen but if it makes my ex happy that’s what matters to me
Hello, I’m 20 years old and I’m having trust issues with my boyfriend’s social media! I don’t know how to control my urges on checking what he is doing on his social media. I really do love him a lot and I don’t want to loose him! Help please!
Felipe, if you don’t trust what your boyfriend is doing on social media, you don’t trust your boyfriend. Why?
If me, you, and your boyfriend were working together in online marriage counseling or couples therapy, I’d start by doing some relationship assessment around whether or not he has engaged in behavior that makes you question his integrity. I’d also want to know to what degree your ambient anxiety and / or past hurtful relationship experiences may or may not be part of this equation. There are many more questions, but we’d start with those and go from there.
But I am NOT your marriage counselor or relationship coach, so of course, these questions will remain unexplored until you get involved with one. I hope you do. Choose wisely! > How to Find a Marriage Counselor
xoxo, Dr. Lisa
Seeking advise. Me and the guy I have been dating for 3 months broke up last week. We met up to talk and get a few of my items back. We spoke for about 45 minutes. No hard feelings really and he is going to continue a DVD series he is borrowing. During the relationship he said he wasn’t ready for commitment, which I told him I was ok with as long as we were exclusive. I put way more effort into the relationship and I feel that he didn’t open up to me much. And he was still on Bumble app. This made me anxious.
Last week he told me he didn’t want to string me along and that “no offense” he wasn’t sure I was the one. He said maybe he would feel differently in a few months, but he doesn’t expect me to wait around and hope. I said obviously I won’t be. He claims that he wants to still be friends and do things. I half heartedly agreed and he said that we can keep our streak on snapchat. I decided that I wasn’t going to be the one snapchatting him first everyday. Since our breakup last week, he has continued to snapchat me everyday, so I just respond with random photos. On Saturday, he snapchatted me and said to have fun with my friends. Why is he doing this to me?? He barely made that effort when we were dating.
I’m so lost. But I want him back and to miss me
Alexis, I’m sorry to hear about this situation and I can absolutely understand how it may feel like you’re getting mixed messages here. But I can assure you, you there is no “mixed.” It’s super clear. Based on what you shared I’m left with the impression that this was never an actual “relationship.” It sounds like you developed feelings for someone who is really just messing around and is not interested in being in the same type of relationship that you are (and never was). I get the sense that you are a young person, and if so, I hope that what I’m about to say catalyzes a moment of empowerment that you carry forward through the decades: You have a responsibility to set healthy boundaries with people who are not good for you, and YOU get to decide what you’re willing to tolerate in your life.
There will be many, many people you’ll encounter who will be more than happy to occupy your time and attention and reap the rewards of their relationship with you at their pleasure and convenience, whether or not it’s good for you.
It’s up to you to take back your power and decide for yourself what is okay and what is not okay, and decide that anything that’s hurting you gets shut down immediately and on your timeline. Hard stop.
Young people — especially young women — can easily fall into blaming themselves or feeling bad for being “rejected” by someone they like, and indulging these thoughts about yourself can make you twist yourself into a pretzel thinking “If only I can be ___ then this person will love me and want to be with me.” That is not true. Therefore maintaining your contact with this person is willfully putting yourself into a position of disempowerment, and making your happiness dependent on whether or not someone else decides that you’re “good enough” to love. Barf.
Here’s a new idea: It takes a long time to get to know people, and what you learned through your experiences with this person is that they are not able to give you what you’re looking for. This breakup was a good thing. So you can cross this one off your list.
But know that you will continue to feel connected to him as long as you are communicating with him and thinking about him. This does not mean it’s true love, this is just how our monkey brains work. You have to starve the attachment in order for the feelings to fade. So block him on Snapchat. Just stop interacting and remove his ability to intrusively contact you again. If he REALLY wants to talk to you, I’m sure he knows where to find you. Otherwise, when you think of him, redirect yourself to the new thought of, “This situation was not healthy for me. This was not what I wanted. This was not good for me.”
You should expect to feel a surge of pain and sadness that will last about…. (Lisa consults the magic 8 ball she keeps on her desk)… about three days. Then it will start to wane and you will begin to feel better again. But if you keep this guy around on Snapchat you can expect to feel exactly the way you feel right now for a long, long time.
YOU have POWER to decide who gets a place in your life, who is worthy of YOUR love and attention, and who you allow to have access to you. This is a hard-won life skill, but an important one, and it will be yours to keep forever once you work though this. Godspeed my dear! xoxo
Michael, you might consider talking to a professional therapist about how you’re feeling. It may be that there are some untreated mental health issues like anxiety or depression currently getting in the way here. You can do a Google search to find a local therapist, or even ask your parents to help you get connected with one. Look for one who provides cognitive behavioral therapy. You might also consider speaking with your doctor (your general practitioner is completely fine) about how you’re feeling and see if they have any suggestions for treatment that might help you start to feel better.
Wishing you all the best kiddo… Dr. Lisa
Need help getting my ex back and shes already in a other relationship and we have a child together and together for 8years
Ricky, I’m very sorry to hear that. I think the first step would be to determine whether or not she is willing to work on things with you. The first step of my online breakup recovery program outlines a plan to use, to see if that is even possible. If she gives you any indication that she’s open to trying this again, I would encourage you to enlist the support of a qualified marriage and family therapist who specialized in couples counseling. It sounds like there is a lot of proverbial “water under the bridge” here. I sincerely hope that there is opportunity for you to repair your relationship, and mend your family. All the best to you… Lisa
Hello,
I am 27 years and i am very helpfull.i have a hard time attracting girls. No girls ever message me and i dont know how to impress them. Can u help me
Hi there Sri! Thanks for getting in touch. I can see how this situation would be really frustrating. It sounds like you are very motivated to make positive changes though, and that’s the number one most important ingredient in getting better results! So, unfortunately, the question you’re asking is not one that can be easily answered or resolved in this format. When it comes to making changes in your dating life, it’s not an “event” but rather a process. I’m guessing that your process would involve getting some feedback about what you’re currently doing that may not be working. In order to help you it would also be necessary to learn more about your goals, the type of person you’re hoping to attract, how you’re currently going about meeting people, how you typcially “show up” in relationships, your dating history, etc. Lots of stuff here. Once we have a good understanding of your goals, your way of being, and your obstacles, THEN we can advise you on how to get better results. (Can’t fix a problem unless you know what the problem is!!)
One way to do that work is through the support of a private dating coach who can assess your goals and help you make changes to your strategy. I have also developed another resource that can walk you through many of the same steps in a less expensive, self-study format: The “Find the One” online dating class. It will walk you through many of the same exercises that we do with our private clients. The only drawback is that it can’t give you the same feedback as working with a dating coach. Another option would be to do the program, and then also have a few sessions with a coach so that you can get the best of both worlds. Here’s more info about the online dating class, as well as our private dating coaching services if you’d like to check either of them out. I hope that they help! All the best to you…. LMB
Hi Dr. Lisa
I married a man that is great to me. We are 2 years into our marriage and the in laws are breaking up our marriage. My husband is a foreigner and we got married 2 years ago. He recently received his green card, and his mother wants him to go back to China immediately, we were planning to go back together in 2 months (my cousin’s wedding), but she cannot wait. Reason for the rush is that they have this old land that they are fighting over, which nobody lives on. When I said no she threatened him with her life, so he have no choice but to go, that is his mother after all. To me and my family, that is not a good reason to leave me behind and go himself, and now my friends and family think he married me for the green card. We argue and fight over this for over a month, to me it’s the fact that our family (or me) is not his priority anymore. His actions are big disappointments. He promised me a honeymoon after he received his green card status, but instead he will be going to China to see his mother, take care of her errands, and taking her to Thailand. I feel broken. I don’t know how to get over it. Now his sister calls and insist that he stays longer than the 1 month we agreed on so he can take care of more errands for his mother. I need another person’s view other than my friend and family. I am not sure how to get over this madness that is inside me. Help. I am very stressed out, not eating or resting, and at self destruction.
Oh my goodness Joanne, what a difficult situation. I appreciate your reaching out to ask for advice. I can see how you would be feeling helpless right now, and searching for answers. Unfortunately, the situation you are describing is much more complicated than what can be addressed in this format. (Though I so dearly wish it would be possible to resolve this type of issue in a “Three Simple Steps To Get Your Spouse To Become Unenmeshed With Their Manipulative Mother And Prioritize His Wife”) Wouldn’t that be great? 😉
Seriously though, I think that the best bet for you would be to see if your husband would be willing to engage in couples counseling with you and talk about this, if he’s open to it? I understand that he is far away right now, but could online marriage counseling be an option for you? The reason I suggest that is because it sounds like 1) this is a very emotionally triggering situation for both of you and difficult to have constructive conversations and 2) there may be some serious growth-work involved for him, around how to develop an adult identity / family with you and also stay connected to his family of origin and 3) there are likely cultural expectations / realities pulling at him that he might need time and space to work through. Additionally (and understandibly) it sounds like your trust in him and confidence in his committment to you has been shaken, and that is a wound that is going to take a while to heal. Complex stuff, that is not going to change overnight.
AND it is also true that in a supportive, growth-oriented environment like the one that can be achieved through high quality marriage counseling you can absolutely get there. I would encourage you to set up a free consultation meeting with one of our online marriage counselors to begin this important work. I sincerely hope that he is open to doing this with you, and that you can find your way back together again.
In the meantime, I will also plan to add “how to handle a spouse who seems more committed to his family than to me” on my list of things to write / podcast about. It’s a painful topic, but one that many people struggle with. I’ll be sure to ping you when it’s availale.
All the best to you Joanne.
Lisa
Hi Dr.Lisa,
I’ve met this guy a year and three months ago, we started dating and things somehow took a turn into a grey zone phase, the undefined zone, but before going any further I’d like to highlight he has some issues as he caught his wife 6 years ago cheating on him which pushed him to a divorce, I feel what really broke his heart is the decision that he had to make while having young kids, my take on that I feel he punishes himself, knowing that he was the one that was pushed to take such a step, and it mainly affected him when it comes to enteractions with females, he mainly invests a bit and then cuts it’s off hiding behind an emotionally unavailable attitude, our encounter survived this year and three months I guess because I was so not needy, tried my best to understand his situation and never put pressure on him to understand our positioning, and yes it did get intimate between us at several times, but I felt he went hiding after that and I never chased till he came back, I know you’ll ask why tolerate all that, obviously coz I fell head over heels for him hoping and wishing he’ll get out of it by me comforting and being there with less demands and the sad/funny part I’m a very sucesseful good looking women with a lineup of men waiting for my approval (I know that may sound superficial but it’s the truth) and he sees it and sometimes questions it while a diffuse it with a joke and turn the subject.. till recently I think I had it, i was totally triggered he was more flirty and we ended up sleeping together, and on the next day he gave me the we’re frinds talk, and I flipped I guess it was the first time him seeing that side of me and I went totally MIA in two weeks I got a funny video which I replied to with an emoji in 6h next morning another funny forward video which I replied to with another emoji which he provoked with a text that I totally ignored, I’m going through a no contact rule but not feeling comfortavle as he may assume that I’m not interested anymore after him reaching out a couple of time after I snapped out, need your assistance..
Hi William,
Yes, it can be nerve-wracking to figure out how to start a conversation with a person on a dating app like Plenty of Fish. One tip: I would recommend that you look at people’s profiles in order to get some clues about who they are, what kinds of things they are in to, and possible points of common interest. Then, when you reach out with a personalized comment like, “Hello fellow [insert name of sports team here] fan, what did you think of the game this weekend?” or “Hi there! I noticed in your profile that you have great taste in music, did you catch [insert name band here] the last time they were in town?” it is very, very easy for people to reply to you. It’s also flattering to them that you took the time and energy to learn something about them, and it makes you seem more attractive when they know that there are common interests. (Or at least, conversation starters).
When it comes to online dating in particular, people make very fast judgments about each other based on the tiniest bits of information. So prospective dates are extrapolating many things about you from everything you put out: How interesting are you? Are you funny? Do you communicate well? Are you creepy? Are you relationship material or just looking for a hook up? Are you a person of substance?
In general the biggest turn offs for women is for you to lead with something overtly sexual or referencing their looks, or a “hi” (that puts the responsibility for carrying the entire conversation back on them), and — just sayin’ bro — grammar matters. So for example, in your first message to ME I noticed a disregard for capitalization, punctuation, and spelling. I’m guessing other women might notice that as well, and it will impact their interest in responding to you. Here’s a link to a great online tool that might be helpful to you: http://www.grammarly.com. If you would like more information about all the various success strategies you should be keeping in mind when it comes to online (or IRL) dating, you might check out our “Find The One” dating class. Good luck! LMB
Daniella, I’m so glad that you reached out with this question. I’ve had it in mind to do a podcast on this subject of “vague relationships and how to handle them” and would love to use your question as an illustration. (I will be sure to ping you if / when I do.) But for now, the short answer is… cut it off. I’m so sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but this is not a relationship. I talk with women all the time who dangle on the end of strings like these for literally years. YEARS. It never, ever ends well. They, like you, tell themselves all kinds of stories about “why it’s not a good time for him,” or “he was traumatized by a past relationship,” or “I just need to give him time.” All of that is nonsense. Men fall in love hard and fast, and if a guy wanted to be with you he would move heaven and earth to make it happen. It is also true that (though I hate to say it) many men will stay in comfortable, “good enough for now” situations with obliging, hopeful women while they wait for something better to come along.
YOU deserve to be loved by someone who is absolutely crazy about you. So stop talking to this guy, block his dumb breadcrumb-bait videos, and put your time and energy into relationships with men who will give you the love and respect you deserve. If he’s into you he will drive to your house with six dozen red roses and a mariachi band to bang on your door and beg for another chance with tears streaming down his face. Unless that happens, consider this case closed and move on. I hope that you take your power back! Cheering for you – LMB
Hey Lisa,
I’m currently 21 years old and I’m currently going to welding tech school at a community college in a Southern Iowa city of about 25,000. I’m still currently from a city in Northern Missouri with a current population of 17,000. I currently doing online dating right now because it’s more easier form me to find a date since I’m on the Autism Spectrum. But I’m mildly autistic, so it’s still pretty easier for me to find a date for the most part. I still manage to go out with a girl in my high school senior prom so my disability didn’t stop me.
I’m currently on Bumble, Badoo, OKCupid, WooPlus, Match, Zoosk, and POF. I’ve recently taken a dating personality test online and I’ve gotten these results:
My dating personality profile:
Big-Hearted – You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love.
Romantic – You know exactly how to melt your date’s heart. Romance comes naturally to you and is an important component of any relationship you have.
Adventurous – Just sitting around the house is not something that appeals to you. You love to be out trying new things and really experiencing life.
My dating match profile:
Religious – You seek someone who is grounded in faith and who possesses religious values. You believe that a religious person can enhance your life.
Big-Hearted – You want someone compassionate, someone gentle and kind. A loving, nurturing person will fill that hole in your life.
Practical – You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living.
On my online dating profiles, I would often say this. I’ve manage to get a few girls to like me from nearby where I live in Missouri and even sometimes from nearby where I go to tech school. But I don’t think this is really helping.
“I’m a kind and caring person who loves music, sports, and goes out to try new things. I’m also very compassionate, sensible, and nurturing.”
I think I’m having trouble trying to open myself quite a bit since I’ve never really had a girlfriend before in my life (Although there were a few girls that might’ve been before in my life).
So, what I’m asking is what else should I say on my online dating profiles? Base on my results, how can I put that all together in one paragraph without making sound boring on my dating profiles?
I hope to hear back from you soon.
Sincerely,
Kyle
Hi Kyle!! Thank you for getting in touch with your question. It sounds like you’re doing a great job of putting yourself out there, and I commend you for that.
I am hearing that you are eager to get some direction on how to improve your online dating profile. Unfortunately I cannot give you specific recommendations in this format. Even if it was ethical for me to do so, it likely wouldn’t help much anyway: Being attractive to your ideal partner is much more than figuring out the points to list in your online profile. You’re a whole package.
Part of a successful modern dating strategy is having a good profile, sure, but unfortunately it’s not that simple. There are many subtle social cues to take into consideration, with everything from the photos you share, to the way you interact with people you meet online, and also in person. You also need to get clear about what kind of person you’re hoping to connect with — not everyone is going to be a match!
Lastly it may be especially important for you to take advantage of all your opportunities to meet people “IRL” as well as online in order to be successful.
In summary, it sounds like you might be a great candidate for getting involved in private dating coaching. A good dating coach can help you get clear about the right partner for you, understand your blindspots, figure out how to communicate your strengths, make a great first, second and third impression, and also meet people in person too.
Particularly with being on the Autism spectrum, I would caution you to shy away from any cookie-cutter approaches or programs, or overly simplistic advice. You’re not a cookie!! Having a tailored strategy, ongoing coaching and skills training, and support will be super-helpful for you. On my team, I’d recommend my colleague, dating coach Markie Keelan. She’s fantastic, and I think she could be of great help to you.
Good luck with things Kyle!!
Good day,ma’am,am 21 years old … I met this guy 4months ago , he was really good, showed me love, we had a good communication, am an,undergraduate and my school is far from him so we only see seldomly ….though the communication was good and great , I knew his family and we were very happy not until we had sex , I got pregnant and though he was happy and warned it but I didn’t want it because I have few,months to,my final exams so,I aborted it and he was unhappy…. Since then the communication reduced drastically, he,only calls me twice a day now unlike b4, we don’t chat well again…. He always tell,me he’s busy ….. I don’t know what to do ….I feel lonely now and I don’t know if he has lost interest in,me…. Could u advice me…I Will b glad to see you mail me
Hello Lisa,
I’ve been dating this girl we really hit it off had 2 fun dates after the second she spend the night 2 nights in a row, got to second base. After this I went on vacation with some family for 4 weeks, I was bored to death, so I was texting her (i now realize it was way to much and a bit to needy). She mentioned things were moving to fast for her. When I got back we went on one more date that seemed kinda boring all the sudden. Than she told me She was just not in love with me and did not really feel like having a relationship atm. She added she wanted to stay friends. Have not talked to her since (a month). I know I will encounter her at some point since our friends hooked us up. What would be my best course of action from here.
Thank you.
I have been seeing a guy for about 6 months. He is in grad school right now. Every time we start to get serious, he pulls back. He says he is just not ready for a serious relationship, because his school and studies are consuming him right now. He doesn’t want to get into a relationship because he cannot give 100% right now. He says when he finishes school, we can start seeing each other more and see where things go, but he just can’t make a relationship a priority right now, but if he could, it would be with me. Should I keep being friends with this guy and show him the unconditional love and support that I can be, maybe he will realize he can have school and a healthy relationship? Or should I completely back off and move on? I don’t want to lose him if there is a chance.
Hi Lisa,
Hope you are doing well.
I am literally in love with a girl at my workplace and things aren’t going smooth between us.
We used to talk normally and I ‘thought’ she also liked me and then one day I called her up(took her number from office directory , though she was fine with it but I feel I f***d up here) and told her that I really like you to which she replied “I don’t know what to say and this is something new for me”. After that the call got disconnected due to some network issue or maybe it was deliberate.
After the call I messaged her that ” Am sorry , I rushed in expressing my feelings for you and I won’t bother you again”
I don’t know if I did the correct thing by messaging her.
It has been three weeks that we are in no contact and she has also not tried to contact me.
I am bemused and also in a lot of pain.
Should I go and talk to her or simply give up ?
I am wondering if she has a boyfriend and trying to figure out what can possibly be the reason.
Please help me Lisa , kindly give me some solution.
Waiting for your reply.
Hello Dr LISA. I’m 20 years old college student. I’m known as a funny guy always making jokes on everything and doesn’t care about anything important. There is a girl, she’s the best friend of one of my close friends. We had hardly known each other. The day we first chat, my friends told my most embarrassing story to her because of their habbits. The second time we met, we were drunk and she joined us sober for 30 mins or so. We had a very nice and deep conversation even that I was drunk. She thanked me for this chat and left but I didn’t flirted with her that day. My friend told me I was doing good with her as he observed. I spoke with her two more times and yesterday she told my friend that Barry is talking too much. And the real problem is my friend told me that she dated with very muscular guys like Greek gods until today. She tells him that she is looking for someone she can talk deep stuff or so but she’s falling for muscular retards all the time. I’m not even a fit person, not fat but not fit either. He told me I have a very very very very very low chance since he knows her for seven years. Do you think it’s worth to try and if you think like that what should I do?
Hi dr.lisa I really need your advice in my relationship problem. I’ve been dating this man for over one year now but recently I felt sad very often and maybe it’s because I am very dependent on him. This feeling has disturbed me deeply. He always busy and had no time to have a deep talk with me. I do love him but at the same time I want my hapiness back. Should I broke up or ask him for some space. I fix it but how to fix it?
Hope to hear a reply from you dr. Thank u
Oh my goodness dear, what a hard situation. I am so sorry that you have had to go through such a terrible thing. I think that your suspicions are probably correct. This is not the way a person who wants a good relationship with you behaves. When someone wants to be with you, they will show that to you. That is not this.
I sincerely hope that you make YOU the priority from here on out: Focus on your studies, your friends, and healthy empowering relationships with people who treat you well. You deserve that Janet. Set your sights on your future, and recommit to creating the life you want and avoiding untrustworthy people who might pull you off your path. Will be thinking of you Janet…. xo, Lisa
Ps: You might consider listening to this podcast, “Coping With Disappointment.” I hope it helps.
Move her back into the “acquaintance” category Timo. If you happen to run into her, smile, say hi, and then find some excuse to move on — say hi to another friend, say you need to put quarters in the meter, or excuse yourself to the restroom. If she is interested in talking to you, she will find a way to re-engage with you. If not, let it go.
Great question Sarah! I wonder if there is a “middle path” option here? Such as: Date other people, create a happy fulfilling life without him, and be happy to take his call if/when he reaches out. Of course, when he does, be sure to let him know that you are very much in demand with many irons in the fire. Oh, and take your time getting back to him — a little anxiety on his part may help him feel a little more motivated to show up for you. As for the part about your being “unconditionally loving and supportive,” please, woman to woman here, save that for someone who has earned it. He has not. Get busy! xo, Lisa
Hi Napoleon! Thanks for your question. You know, when we are in the grips of strong feelings it is an easy, common thing to project those feelings onto other people and think that they might feel the same way we do. It can be especially confusing if the person we’re crushing on is pleasant or friendly to us. Frequently, in these situations, when one person has been carrying a torch for another and then makes their feelings known it creates feelings of shock and even dismay in the crush-ee. (To the great embarrassment of the crush-er.)
So yes, I would agree with your concern that your messaging was not a good idea. The best course of action for you would be to absolutely avoid contacting her or communicating with her for anything other than an absolutely necessary, job-appropriate interaction. Anything else and you run the risk of being perceived a creeper or even worse, sexually harassing her. On the job. #metoo #lawsuit
Hi Barry Ocean. Sure, no harm to talk with her some more and see if she seems interested. May help to lay off the booze: Extremely drunk men are not actually that attractive to most women, especially women who are craving deeper emotional intimacy. Good luck!
Hi Anne, thanks for your question. It’s one I’ve been hearing a lot lately, “What should I do if I’m in a relationship where I’m not being treated very well?” I’m planning to create an episode of The Love, Happiness and Success Podcast to address this situation in depth, so please check back for that soon. (Blog link here.)
However, the short answer is this: Assume that the “relationship experience” you’re currently having with this person is how it’s always going to be with him. Is this okay for you? My guess is that it’s not: You want (and deserve) more. To butcher the immortal words of no less than Oprah, “You teach other people how to treat you.” How would you be acting if you believed that this right here was not good enough for you? My guess is that you’d be getting busy, and filling up your life with positive activities and relationships, and spending time with people who treated you as well as you treated them.
If you do that, at some point this guy might look up and think, “Where’d she go?” And maybe then, put a little more effort into his relationship with you. Or maybe not. Either way, you’d be better off — wouldn’t you agree?
Love yourself first Anne!
With love,
Lisa
Hello, Dr. Lisa.
I met this guy at a store on and he works there, by the way. And I have to say, he’s everything I look for in a guy. He’s warm and kind and polite and solid. I even pretended to be interested in whatever the store sells, just so he could just talk to me. I only met him twice.
The second time ( a Saturday night ), when I walked into the store, he recognized me immediately, to my surprise, and he smiled and waved at me. Again, I did the same thing all over again, feigning interest in the products and then we made small talk again. He had to leave me alone to attend to other customers for some time and I was grateful for that because I needed to muster the courage to ask him out. At that time, another male sales assistant was attending to me.
Okay, so maybe it was just me, but I noticed that he seemed nervous. After he was unoccupied, he was kinda “pacing” behind the other sales assistant that I mentioned earlier. But then he leaned against the glass display case, folded his arms across his chest and asked if I was doing anything that night. It was a purely innocent conversation but I did flirt with him a bit. Before I left, I finally grew a pair of lady balls (haha) and asked him out for coffee.
Yeah, he agreed, telling me he “Might be off on Monday” and that he would text me the time and everything. He handed me his cellphone and I saved my number in there. I didn’t get his, actually. Problem is, he hasn’t texted or called and I was depressed about it when I considered the possibilities.
One, he just might not be interested. Two, maybe he was just busy and got called in. Three, I forgot to add in the country calling code at that time. It really never came across my mind at that time. He’s not local, you see, so I fear that maybe he’s not using a local line/phone number and that he just doesn’t know that he needed to dial in the calling code? Maybe he tried to text but he just couldn’t reach me?
Thing is, I have never dated before and I’m new to all of this. I used to have a crush before but I never really showed interest.
Doctor, I really need your advice. Should I pay a visit to the store again and just say “Oh I’m just in the area. Thought I’d stop by and say hi”? I really do not want to come off as needy or desperate. I just want to know why he hasn’t texted me yet.
I really hope to hear from you soon. Thank you.
I like a guy and he was in a relationship when things happened. He started hiring on me at a party and I did the wrong thing. Nothing happened (thankfully) and he broke up with his girlfriend. He is ignoring me and I don’t know what to do.
Hello, Dr. Lisa. There’s a guy I like who had recently become my close friend. The first time we met, it looked like he’s interested in me as he was always sitting beside me or is always near me whenever we hang out as a group. He was also the one who initiated that we talk almost everynight. But he keeps mentioning about a girl that he used to like. His situation is a bit conplicated but the gist of it is, he cannot have her because his friend is extremely obsessed with her. Although he keeps saying he doesn’t feel anything for her anymore, it seems his feelings for her is being rekindled. I see it as a sign to move on, but it also seems like he wants to be with me all the time either on the phone or in person. When he goes to work, he wants me to hangout there. He always asks to hang out at my house, and he always calls every night till we both fall asleep. Our calls average 5-6 hours every night. Sometimes I even feel like he wants to hog me all for himself. I don’t know what it all means and why he’s doing it. If I know I have a chance with him, I can wait for him to settle his feelings. But I need advice on what the right thing to do is.
Hey Aelin! Agh! The angst of a crush! I think everyone reading your story (Lisa raises hand) can so totally relate. I could expound, at length on why these situations are so darn nerve wracking but I have already done so in a podcast, “How to Deal With New Relationship Anxiety (subtitled, “Does he like me? Should I call? Should I text? What do I do? Aaaaagggh!)” in case anyone is interested.
Short answer: Yes. Put on some mascara, construct some rationale for why you needed to stop by this store anyway (just in case) and go. Something about the way you related this story makes me think a certain someone may be very relieved to see you. 🙂
xoxo, Lisa Marie Bobby
Let’s assume, for your sake, that this person has some things to figure out before they’re ready to date anyone. He may have complex feelings about his Ex. He may or may not be interested in you. (As a general rule when guys like you they do not ignore you). Let it go. Do your own thing. If he’s interested in talking to you he knows where to find you. If he does get in touch, I’ll leave it up to you as to whether you’d like to get romantically involved with someone who you know for a fact cheats on his partners and is not a fantastic communicator.
All the best,
Lisa Marie Bobby
I was dating this guy for 3 months. We had an instant connection and we are very, very similar. Before our first date we both said it felt like we were going out for dinner with our long time bf/gf. We talked all day everyday, hung out all the time; both low key movie nights and date nights out. He even planned a surprise weekend trip for me. Then out of no where he said he’s not sure if he has “that feeling” or if he ever will. Since then we still talk everyday and we’ve hung out. However he has gotten bumble again. I have this gut feeling that things aren’t over for us. But when I talk to him about it you can tell that he has made up his mind. How do I know if he’s running away because things were getting serious (he warned me he does this) or if I’m just in denial that it’s over. Do i keep fighting and keep him in my life or should I move on?
So my ex keeps getting in contact then it’s fine untill all of a sudden he kicks off drags up the past and blockes me and he repeats the cycle I don’t contact him first bit he keeps coming back after telling me he done and it’s over
My ex broke up with me 3wks ago we have lived with each other for 2 yrs and just moved out a wk ago. She said there was a disconnect and didnt know if it could brought back but told her 18 yo son that she thinks we can get back together but she needs space.she says she loves me keeps my picture on her phone but does have her best friend not wanting us back we still do things with her daughter (8yo) I admitted that wasnt there emotionally or physically for 4 months as I was going through a real hard time I acknowledged that I was wrong I know what I did and how not to do it again and is giving me a chance to prove to her but I’m worried she’ll listen to outside talks and not her heart please help me with advice to get us back together
I have a problem. I have been having sensual casual sex with my friend for over a decade. I am not sure what types of relationships he has had during that time but we recently had sex and it was wonderful. So, since then we we’re interacting on facebook. Now he hasn’t really said or commented to me in any way from 3 days. What should I do? I refuse to get in my head and belittle myself in regards to the reason this has happened. I wanted to ask him but I am scared. Please tell me what to do!
Move on. I will say this to you, and to any other women who might be reading this: Never, ever, ever waste time on someone who isn’t sure how he feels about you. It’s your job to communicate your value and worth in a relationship and settling for anything less than a guy who is crazy about you is not acceptable. The alternative is wasting months, perhaps years of your life in a quasi-relationship where you’re always going to be on the ropes, and twisting yourself into a pretzel to win the affections of this person. If a guy is into you, you will know.
Okay now let’s talk about you: If you’re willing to sacrifice your needs to help someone else “work through their issues”, and if it’s okay with you to attach yourself to someone who “always does this,” and if it feels really hard for you to believe that you actually do deserve to be in a relationship with someone who thinks you are the best person in the universe…. we should talk.
The issue may be less about this guy, or the others like him, and more about you and your feelings about yourself. Until those change this pattern may continue to play out in your life, with your getting entangled with people who are not going to give you the love and respect you deserve. May be time for some individual therapy or coaching my dear! LMB
Hi Dr.Lisa, I am 19y/o and here’s what has been happening with me…
#honestly, 2yrs back I wasn’t into social medias,chatting, dating or any such thing.i was more of a happy go lucky type of person.i didn’t have a single s.m. Account.
#i was interested in anime and stuff so i accidently joined amino community, a social media for all anime lovers…first I was scared but slowly I started liking it. In the first two days of usage I met a guy with similar preferences of animes like me…we became friends and he seemed really innocent cool funny and exactly my type of a guy.
>I started liking him unknowingly…being a novice in romantic skills and how dense of my own self I was…it also seemed we got attached to each other sharing every possible thing…it also looked like he was interested in me as well, I showed ignorance in order to get him to confess first.
>but this went on without any result for next 5months after which he suddenly told me that a girl confessed to him and he finds her cute, so they started dating…bruhh!! it was such an emotional torture, it was then when I actually realized the severity of my feelings for him. I congratulated him painfully and decided to move on…I left the app for a while.
> I also had crucial academic 2 years going on…but I couldn’t control my feelings and I ruined most of my academics out of anxiety..i turned short tempered and fought back on smallest things. After 6 months of this torture…I decided to go back and confess…fortunately to know he broke up with her in just 2months…but before I could confess..he left the app and there was no communication between us. Then I decided another way to forget him… I dated 3-4 random guys for 2-3months each but nothing worked out …i only loved him.
> few months later I got his instagram account from a mutual friend and made my own account to follow him up…i confessed to him only to get rejected. Then,in vain i again dated a guy for 4months and broke up. Uncontrollably, I again confessed to him…again to be rejected bcz he doesn’t wanna date online (moreover we live 2500km apart) …i literally underwent depression for quite a while…
> recently, we have started talking to each other again and we are as close as we were 2yrs back before his betrayal. And shockingly, he’s is “directly” very flirty and goes sexual and possessive in a way you only do with the person you like. He is making plans to come and meet me…says he wants to have sex with me…he plans out all the romantic “sex” dates and he’s acting sometimes caring as well. He gets noticeably jealous if I talk to my other guy friends. He’s very unpredictable and I don’t get what to expect from this…i do love him but I can’t force myself on him…i don’t really know what to do anymore…i keep thinking about him and the problem is, this happens all only during my exams and I end up ruining everything, upsetting my personal life and parents. Please help me out of this torment…i have tried every possible way to get him and to forget him…none worked now it’s hurting physically and emotionally.
# I even tried suicide attempt after second rejection. I lied to my parents that it was bcz of academics …but I don’t want to do it again nor can I live like this. I have university exams coming up in a month and I m gonna fail it…if this goes on.
P.S. I apologise for such long essay.
Lianna, I’m sorry for your loss and I’m also really worried about you. I’m hearing that this is an incredibly painful time for you, which is understandable, but that it’s gotten to the point that it has impacted your ability to function and led you to attempt suicide. This is more than a bad breakup, this is a psychiatric emergency. You are in school: Please, please, please if you have not already, go immediately to your university counseling center and tell them what is going on for you. You will have access to mental health services and people who can support you through this.
I have no advice for anything related to your relationship. It is time for you to stop focusing on your Ex, and what he is doing or not doing, and start focusing on yourself and what you need to be well. Please, get into therapy with someone local who can help you with things like self-care, learning how to redirect your thoughts, manage your emotions, process the pain, and heal.
I know it hurts now, but with the right help a few years from now this is just going to be another life experience that helped you grow into a strong, confident woman who knows who she is and how to have healthy relationships. You’ll have school behind you, and a wide-open future to design whatever life you choose. That can be your future Lianna. How incredibly tragic it would be for you to lose your opportunity for an education, your future career, or even your life over this temporary pain.
Thank you for reaching out. Now go reach out to your college counseling center, and connect with the people who are ready and waiting to help you!
Sincerely,
Lisa Marie Bobby
So.. My story is way too long and impossible to explain in a few lines. but I will skip on all the details and stick to the major picture.
back in 2009, I met a girl, and we’ve been together for years until 2014 where we broke up for a couple of reasons. Mainly it has to do with me feeling sick every single day.
I went into depression and made all the mistakes that one man can possibly do.
We tried no contact at first, but eventually, after a couple of weeks she came back, we tried to talk she cried, I cried it was a mess, a mutual decision was just to cut contacts.
And So it Began. my Endless quest of getting her back.
For 4 months I didn’t text her or anything and sent her a handwritten letter, no reply.
Months flew by, I wished her happy birthday and so on, and she replied happily, but we didn’t establish a communication line.
at the end of 2015 I managed to travel to her town, we met, she was so happy to see me she almost cried, we talked for about 2 hours, with the promise to talk again “Slowly” and see how it goes. It didn’t happen.
Mostly it has to do with the fact that I was still showing a lot of insecurities and anxiety.
I went into depression again, and totally downhill and not a single text from my side to her.
2016 7 8 didn’t text her once, and one day out of the blue I sent her a message that she replied after a week. We exchanged a few messages they were all cool she had a laugh at my jokes and so on I felt the same “affinity” that we had back in the days. But she says that she can’t stay in contact with me or friends, even if our relationship was amazing and that I was an amazing person that she will always remember.
This motivated me “better late than never” to improve my self, i started studying again, working on my self, got a therapist to fix all my Self esteem issues and so on, and especially anxiety.
I tried after 2 months then to send her a message again, really cool and neutral with a joke but at the same time I asked for some advice on my Math homework since she really liked and loved Math, but she didn’t reply.
I’m renewing my self, to a whole new level, and i realized i still love her.
Is it possible to get her back I wonder? if I show her that I’m Dependable (still don’t know how, but I know this is the key)
Nick, I’m sorry to hear this. From the information you’ve provided I can’t know if there is hope for this relationship, or not. (I also don’t know enough about you, or her, or the contributing factors to your split to have any idea what would make her reconsider getting back together with you).
What I DO know is that the way to lay everything out on the table productively and start having healing conversations that create change and renew hope is by getting involved in great couples counseling. If that is something she’d also be open to, I hope you make a consultation with us to meet with a couples therapist, together, and talk about the possibility of mending your relationship. (Or, if that is not possible, getting some support for yourself as you deal with this difficult transition). Wishing you all the best Nick… Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Jamillah, thanks for getting in touch. Based on the little bit I know, it sounds to me like this is more than you emotionally than “having sex with your friend” (FOR A DECADE). I wonder if it’s time to do some work on YOUR end about what is going on for you with this, what you want for your life, and whether or not this is the path for you to get it. If you haven’t already, please check out this article: “Are You Addicted to a Toxic Relationship?”
My concern for you is that you’re dangling on the end of a string here, feeling very attached to a person (as evidenced by how worried you are when they don’t respond to you on social media) and that it’s not good for you long term to stay in this place. I wonder if it’s time to either see if this relationship could be a real relationship that meets your legitimate needs for security and connection…. or if it’s time to get off the bus.
We’re here to support you on either path Jamillah — good luck!
Sincerely, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Hi, I me and my boyfriend have been dating for 3.5 years. We are moving in together soon in August. I am patiently waiting for a proposal but am also going crazy. He says it will happen within a year. What is my best strategy to speed up his timeline?? Thanks!
Hello (i have never been in a relationship or been to a date tho approached by a few and asked out but had no feelings to any..)
Now.. There is a mutual liking between me and someone. I am 23 and he is 28. we haven’t been on a date. yet. It is just been a week since we ever got to know eachother. He asked me out a couple of times throughout this week. He is got a good personality. But.. he is way too playful for me. I made that clear that it makes me uncomfortable tho. But he says he does what he feels like doing (spontaneous). I had to cut him off now. But I still wanna talk and hang out with him (know him more). but it is his playfullness that turns me off. Now, what am i supposed to do? Talk to him again and set some ground rules? or just leave? or are there other options? Please tell me. I am so confused.
Hey, theres a guy in my class who I’ve started to like. I was in a project with him last week and the group was talking about how much they hated their jobs, but I like mine (I work at a car detail). I dont talk to him all that much, but would it be a smart desition to talk to him about my job, say that we’re hiering and offer to get his car detailed so he could check out the fecility? It’s a conversation, but would it be too forward?
The guy is reserved and pretty closed off most of the time. My question is, how can I get his attention and try to build the possibility of a relationship?
Hi Lisa
I’m 19 year old girl and I really need some advice. I hadn’t really liked anybody untill i met this guy who is now my friend. We flirted back and forth for quite a while but nothing really happened.
Our relationship has been on and off for a while now. I’m not sure what happens but we both kind of go quiet and stop talking. And then after some time start again.
He has given me many signs that he likes me. For example he’s very interested to know what type of music I listen to, he teases me and comments on my photos. We used to text a lot and he was sending me hearts and saying things that made me positive about his feelings towards me.
Me and my friends (who are in the same friend group as him) are sure that he likes me but still he doesn’t make a move. Now that i have been seeing some other guys he seems very interested and wants to know everything. I’m not sure what to think anymore because I still like him but also I would like to know if I should just move on with this other guy.
Hi Dr. Lisa, I would like any advice at all. I was recently dumped by my gf of 4 years. We were engaged and she even picked out the ring. We used to go to college together and see eachother everyday until we both graduated and got jobs that were 2 hours apart. Since then I know I have changed. I lost all confidence in myself always needing validation from her that she still wanted to be with me. I would constantly text her and call her and overpursue her which I now know only pushed her away. She broke up with me over the phone and said she didn’t see us ever getting back together unless she had a huge change of heart. I tried to talk her out of it on the phone before ultimately giving up and telling her goodbye. After that night I have been in no contact with her in any way shape or form for 30 days exactly today. I am guilty of checking her social media recently and saw she posted a selfie of herself which she doesn’t normally do. I took it as she’s trying to put herself out there for other guys to see she’s single. Does this mean she could care less about me and is moving on or is it possibly an act? I’m completely lost. If you have any advice at all I would greatly appreciate it.
Lory, I’m so glad that you are using this experience as a catalyst for personal growth. We are often motivated to grow and evolve when we recognize that old ways of being are no longer serving us. I am hearing that this relationship helped you identify your areas of growth and self improvement and I am glad that happened. Silver lining Lory!
I’m also hearing that there was damage done and trust broken over the course of your involvement with this person, and that she is done. She has asked you to stop contacting her. You can show her that you are dependable and a different person by hearing her, and leaving her alone. If she would like to talk to you, she knows where to find you.
In the meantime, I hope that you use your personal growth work as a vehicle to help you connect with others and form healthy, strong, and enduring new relationships. It sounds like you’re on a wonderful new path to creating those. I hope that you can move past sadness and longing for this particular person, and shift into gratitude for the new path that this relationship inspired in your life.
Choose joy Lory!
All the best,
Lisa
Hi Grace! You know, I liked your question so much that I actually answered it on the latest episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast! It’s the one called, “Free Relationship Advice From a Marriage Counselor.” I hope you check it out, and that my perspective helps you make the decision that is the right one for you.
All the best, Lisa
Someone who makes you feel uncomfortable and who doesn’t respect your boundaries gets a hard-stop, in my book. Find other people to hang out with!
Susan, thanks for reaching out. It sounds like you’re working really, really hard to basically read this person’s mind, and hope to gain understanding about his true feelings and intentions without actually talking to him about what is actually happening. You are attributing meaning to things that feel significant to you. I don’t know if they are significant to him or not… and neither do you, currently.
As a marriage counselor that works with a lot of couples, one common mistake I see people make (especially women) that brings a lot of misery and conflict, is to rely on mind-reading and indirect forms of communication rather than actually talking. A very important relationship skill that will be invaluable to you both now, and as you continue to grow and mature, is to practice having open and honest conversations with people instead of twisting yourself into pretzels trying to figure out what they mean by certain behaviors, or decipher indirect comments. Not only is this exhausting, and emotionally tormenting — your (our) assumptions are usually wrong anyway.
Healthy, satisfying relationships require the ability to talk about things, using words. If your hope or intention is to have a real relationship with this person, I would recommend that you simply ask him how he feels about you and whether he’d like to date. (And tell him that you’d be interested in dating him).
Then, you guys can either launch a romance, or you can stop expending all this mental energy and get on with your life.
All the best to you Susan…
Lisa
We had a strong connection. We moved in right away. Everything was good but he was always busy for work because he Moved there to work for that time. so we weren’t spending much time together and kinda grew apart a little. We dated for 6 months. Lived together for 3 months. But We already knew eachother for a year. We met on vacation. And lived in different states. Anyways My dad got sick that 3rd month we lived together and I had to fly back home. He died in a matter of a week. My ex also had to fly back home for work and and we weren’t much in contact during that time. His father died 3 months after mine. We talked once and he cried over the phone telling me he didn’t understand me until now. I was trying to be there for him but I knew he needed space. this time I was trying to find myself again. And we lost contact but always had that connection. Random texts.
When I was ready to receive love again. I met the father of my daughter and dated for 6 month and when I wanted to leave him because I was having thoughts of my last relationship not ending in a proper way. I was pregnant. I had to do the best for my baby and I stayed in this relationship. I fell in love with him because we were pregnant. During this time I never posted anything on social media no one had a clue I was pregnant until right before I gave birth I posted my maternity shoot. My ex called me immediately asking me if it was his child. We haven’t talked in since his dads pass. I told him I knew who the dad was. Then I didn’t hear from him for another year. It was my birthday I was flying to Hawaii. Did a transfer where my ex lived. He saw and messaged me right away trying to meet up knowing I was with my family and I respected my man I didn’t. I finally started posting my family on social media and right away my ex started posting his new relationship and how happy he was and that tore me apart. So that told me he moved on. Another year pass and by this time my current relationship is falling apart. We took the desicion to brake up and co parent our child. Randomly ex sends me a picture and asking when he going to see me again. I told him for his birthday this next coming month. Then the next day he posted he went to Hawaii with his ex? I’m so confused because I wanted to talk to about everything. I thought he was single. I wanted to try again but in a proper way. Serious this time. I know what I want. No games. We never broke up properly. I feel like I cheated because I got pregnant..
Hi, Dr. Lisa
I recently got dumped by my gf of six months. we have been in love with each other for five years but had just recently gotten together mostly due to me having a lot of emotional issues from my childhood. i finally felt ready for the relationship and everything was going fine until i got a call from a detective who was reopening the case against my childhood abuser. the rehashing of this trauma caused me to become inattentive and just not a good gf. in the end my ex was so worried about me and felt so much pressure from me she couldn’t stay in the relationship any longer and broke things off. I felt like a complete failure we didnt talk for about three months and i had made no progress getting over her. we go to the same school and i must see her constantly eventually we started to hang out again but when we did she crossed a few touching boundaries which confused me but excited me. i asked her if this meant we could be together again sometime in the near future. she said no but also said she does not know what could happen in the future. eventually after cuddling and being near one another she said that this was all too confusing and she felt stuck and has since placed boundaries on our relationship. I am so sad i don’t know what to do all i want is to be with her but she doesn’t want me. i need to come up with a plan to get her back. help me?
Hi. I’m deeply in love with a man that I work with…we have have hung out a few times and he knows that I’m interested in him, but not that I love him. I see him nearly everyday and it feels like torture. I can’t find the courage to tell him and I definitely dont want to make things akward at work or worse, ruin our friendship. As a result I act really confusing around him…lately I have been running hot then cold on him and I know that isn’t helping the situation any…my reasoning for this is that if I can’t tell him how I feel then I’ll try to get over him, but its not working. I can’t bury these feelings for him. I want things to progress but I’m afraid he won’t. What can I do?
I’ve been talking to this guy for about a 1 month he’s amazing in person but a horrible Texter and I have a 1 year old he has no kids every time I have thought about breaking up with him I just cry I really can’t imagine life with him any tips ?
Hey Sarah! I like your idea of attempting to talk with him about general things, and toss out low-key opportunities to spend more time together. If he doesn’t “bite” then you probably have enough information to know that he’s not interested in getting to know you better. And THAT IS OKAY. You deserve love and respect, and it’s much better to know that there’s no water in that particular well, so that you can move on and start chatting up other cute guys. (And, final thought, it is also possible that someone who is not romantically interested in you might say, “heck yeah I want my car detailed for free” so you might want to expand your conversational repertoire. Just saying.) Godspeed Sarah! LMB
Marty, you’re not going to like this, but my advice is to stop looking at her social media (like, block her Marty) and get yourself involved in some high quality breakup recovery work. You are clearly grieving and longing for her, and time does NOT heal this. Breakup recovery coaching is something we specialize in here at Growing Self and we have lots of great people who can work with you.
My hope is that you get the support you need to grieve this, process all the feelings, wring this experience of all it’s precious life lessons, rebuild your confidence, and then move on to create a healthy, satisfying relationship with someone who loves you back. You deserve that! You can get started by scheduling your free consultation with one of the breakup recovery coaches on our team. I hope you do! xoxo, Lisa
Natasha, I am so sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but if you’ve hung out with this guy a couple of times and he knows you like him, as you said, and he’s not expressing similar interest in you… it’s probably not in your best interest to pursue this. In addition to the possibility of embarrassing yourself spectacularly, you’re doing this at work. Like, other people are watching. I don’t know how invested you are in this career or in this particular position, but if you’re not careful here you could lose more than a possible love interest.
Furthermore, consider what happens next if he DOES like you back? And you work together? And you have (inevitable) relationship conflict? Or what if you break up eventually? And you still have to see him every day? No less than the late, great Oscar Wilde said, “When the Gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers.”
I have worked with so many people who have gone “fishing in the company pond” and have lived to regret it, deeply. I hope, for your sake, he doesn’t like you enough to get involved with you, and that you put your energy into connecting with and dating men who do not bring seventeen suitcases full of potential complications with them. You asked for my opinion! xoxo, Lisa
So… Georgia. I’m hearing you say that your Ex is telling you that she needs boundaries… and here you are asking me to help you figure out how to get her back, without consideration for her stated boundaries. Like, “Dr Lisa, never mind what she says about how she feels or what she wants, this is what I want and my pain is more important than her needs so help me figure out how to make her do what I want her to do, whether or not it’s what she wants.”
Georgia: until you do some growth work around who YOU are in relationships you’re probably going to keep having the experience of people pulling themselves away from you. You mentioned you have a trauma history, and that it’s impacting the way you show up day to day. I am glad that you are aware that your past is impacting your present, and I believe it will be really important for you work with a great therapist (licensed, in-person, locally) who has expertise around trauma, and who can help you work through this.
I am hearing that you are longing for a healthy, committed relationship. The first step in achieving that is making an investment in yourself, and getting yourself in a good place so that you can be a good partner. You deserve the kind of love you’re looking for Georgia, but the path to that is not through other people — it’s through focusing on your health and healing first. I hope you do. Wishing you all the best, Lisa
Hello. I want to give you a little back story before asking my question. It’s not a comprehensive backstory but gets you up to speed on the specific question. My ex girlfriend has been dating someone for about 4 months. They would see each other about only every three weeks(ish) and never talk on the phone. She would text him several sentences several times a day and he would respond short responses hours later, sometimes half or a full day later. The start of their relationship was a little weird, the first time they met he told her he loved her and wanted to get her pregnant and married by the end of December.
I told my ex my opinion about it all and she says I got inside her head. On NYE I sent her boyfriend a message and told him that my ex and I had been spending a lot of time together and that we’ve been sleeping together. All very much the truth. I only did this after she got into my phone and messaged a female friend of mine the same thing. My ex’s boyfriend responded to my ex very upset and I feel they are going to end. My ex is pissed at me. What do I do? I feel absolutely terrible and starting to think I should tell my ex’s boyfriend I was lying so they won’t breakup. Even though that’s not what I want to happen but if it makes my ex happy that’s what matters to me
Am going out with a guy but now I dunno what is going on he used to initiate contact at first but complained that why should he be always initiating but lately he doesn’t initiate even when he comes online but if i chat he responds nd watch my status but he doesn’t text first now
Personally, I’d probably leave this person alone because I do not like participating in weird little mind games like the scenario you’re describing but I am a grumpy Gen-Xer. Our community here may have different perspective. What do you guys think Saleisha should do? Crowdsourcing advice for Saleisha!! 🙂 xoxo LMB
Hello, I’m 20 years old and I’m having trust issues with my boyfriend’s social media! I don’t know how to control my urges on checking what he is doing on his social media. I really do love him a lot and I don’t want to loose him! Help please!
Felipe, if you don’t trust what your boyfriend is doing on social media, you don’t trust your boyfriend. Why?
If me, you, and your boyfriend were working together in online marriage counseling or couples therapy, I’d start by doing some relationship assessment around whether or not he has engaged in behavior that makes you question his integrity. I’d also want to know to what degree your ambient anxiety and / or past hurtful relationship experiences may or may not be part of this equation. There are many more questions, but we’d start with those and go from there.
But I am NOT your marriage counselor or relationship coach, so of course, these questions will remain unexplored until you get involved with one. I hope you do. Choose wisely! > How to Find a Marriage Counselor
xoxo, Dr. Lisa
Seeking advise. Me and the guy I have been dating for 3 months broke up last week. We met up to talk and get a few of my items back. We spoke for about 45 minutes. No hard feelings really and he is going to continue a DVD series he is borrowing. During the relationship he said he wasn’t ready for commitment, which I told him I was ok with as long as we were exclusive. I put way more effort into the relationship and I feel that he didn’t open up to me much. And he was still on Bumble app. This made me anxious.
Last week he told me he didn’t want to string me along and that “no offense” he wasn’t sure I was the one. He said maybe he would feel differently in a few months, but he doesn’t expect me to wait around and hope. I said obviously I won’t be. He claims that he wants to still be friends and do things. I half heartedly agreed and he said that we can keep our streak on snapchat. I decided that I wasn’t going to be the one snapchatting him first everyday. Since our breakup last week, he has continued to snapchat me everyday, so I just respond with random photos. On Saturday, he snapchatted me and said to have fun with my friends. Why is he doing this to me?? He barely made that effort when we were dating.
I’m so lost. But I want him back and to miss me
Alexis, I’m sorry to hear about this situation and I can absolutely understand how it may feel like you’re getting mixed messages here. But I can assure you, you there is no “mixed.” It’s super clear. Based on what you shared I’m left with the impression that this was never an actual “relationship.” It sounds like you developed feelings for someone who is really just messing around and is not interested in being in the same type of relationship that you are (and never was). I get the sense that you are a young person, and if so, I hope that what I’m about to say catalyzes a moment of empowerment that you carry forward through the decades: You have a responsibility to set healthy boundaries with people who are not good for you, and YOU get to decide what you’re willing to tolerate in your life.
There will be many, many people you’ll encounter who will be more than happy to occupy your time and attention and reap the rewards of their relationship with you at their pleasure and convenience, whether or not it’s good for you.
It’s up to you to take back your power and decide for yourself what is okay and what is not okay, and decide that anything that’s hurting you gets shut down immediately and on your timeline. Hard stop.
Young people — especially young women — can easily fall into blaming themselves or feeling bad for being “rejected” by someone they like, and indulging these thoughts about yourself can make you twist yourself into a pretzel thinking “If only I can be ___ then this person will love me and want to be with me.” That is not true. Therefore maintaining your contact with this person is willfully putting yourself into a position of disempowerment, and making your happiness dependent on whether or not someone else decides that you’re “good enough” to love. Barf.
Here’s a new idea: It takes a long time to get to know people, and what you learned through your experiences with this person is that they are not able to give you what you’re looking for. This breakup was a good thing. So you can cross this one off your list.
But know that you will continue to feel connected to him as long as you are communicating with him and thinking about him. This does not mean it’s true love, this is just how our monkey brains work. You have to starve the attachment in order for the feelings to fade. So block him on Snapchat. Just stop interacting and remove his ability to intrusively contact you again. If he REALLY wants to talk to you, I’m sure he knows where to find you. Otherwise, when you think of him, redirect yourself to the new thought of, “This situation was not healthy for me. This was not what I wanted. This was not good for me.”
You should expect to feel a surge of pain and sadness that will last about…. (Lisa consults the magic 8 ball she keeps on her desk)… about three days. Then it will start to wane and you will begin to feel better again. But if you keep this guy around on Snapchat you can expect to feel exactly the way you feel right now for a long, long time.
YOU have POWER to decide who gets a place in your life, who is worthy of YOUR love and attention, and who you allow to have access to you. This is a hard-won life skill, but an important one, and it will be yours to keep forever once you work though this. Godspeed my dear! xoxo
Michael, you might consider talking to a professional therapist about how you’re feeling. It may be that there are some untreated mental health issues like anxiety or depression currently getting in the way here. You can do a Google search to find a local therapist, or even ask your parents to help you get connected with one. Look for one who provides cognitive behavioral therapy. You might also consider speaking with your doctor (your general practitioner is completely fine) about how you’re feeling and see if they have any suggestions for treatment that might help you start to feel better.
Wishing you all the best kiddo… Dr. Lisa
Hi,
I am in a long distance relationship and I have recently become an anxious person during the pandemic.
As I am working on becoming more confident and independent, my partner has mentioned he has lost interest and doesn’t want to continue this relationship anymore.
He believes that we are incompatible and no matter how much effort I put into changing myself it will not make a difference.
The root cause of any differences or fights is because of his lack of interest in making this work.
How can I convince him to work through this or remind him of the good days we have had in the relationship?
Hello, I was seeing someone for 4 months. Everything seemed to be working, we talked every single day. If we didn’t text we would end our nights with hours of phone calls. We hung out a few times and it was always lovely, holding hands, endless kisses, staring into the eyes, and every nice saying possible. Overnight she cut me off, and I believe it is because some guy approached her at her gym. In that case, I feel I bring good things to the table and my friends try to point out all the successes I’ve had recently, but I can’t help to think as a realist that this dude really could of been better than me. I guess what I’m saying is, how easy it was for her to switch. I understand there was no commitment involved , but I felt led on.
Hi, being ghosted is an incredibly painful experience and I’m so sorry you were treated this way. It’s hard not to wonder what we did wrong. Rest assured though, when someone ghosts it’s about something happening inside of them we aren’t aware of at the time. It sounds like you’ve used this difficult experience to practice reflection. Recovering from being treated this way takes time. It just so happens I have a podcast episode “How to Repair Your Self-Esteem After a Breakup” that you might find helpful. Best, Dr. Lisa
Hi Navya, good for you for working on yourself and your happiness! The truth is, while relationships often fizzle if we don’t grow together, we don’t have to change ourselves for a healthy relationship that’s right for us. We can’t truly convince anyone to stay with us or work on a relationship. You can ask what he would consider compatibility, and what that would take. But, more importantly, especially as you are working on confidence and independence, it sounds like a good opportunity for you to focus on YOU and if he’s truly the best partner for YOU. Is it possible you’d be happier with someone else? My warmest thoughts, Dr. Lisa