How to Communicate Better With Your Partner: Start Here First

So your relationship has been feeling hard lately. And if you’re like most people, it’s not just one thing. There are fights popping up like mushrooms after a rain. That, all kinds of stuff in the playground. It’s the survival of the fittest, right? Somebody says something to you, and you immediately react and try to top off what they told you to, you know, get your stance in the playground route. And this just creates like an escalation thing in the playground which works there. Right. But then we get through our relationship and if we do that it becomes a disaster. Money. Intimacy. Teamwork. Who does what? Sometimes it’s just the tone. Those are fun ones, aren’t they?

When we focus on all the things that are going wrong in a relationship, it can start to feel overwhelming, discouraging. Where do you even begin? But the reality is that nine times out of ten, there actually is one specific place where you should start. That when you focus on this one area in your relationship, it is the key to making changes in all kinds of different dimensions of your relationship. And that is what you’re going to learn how to do today.

On this episode of Love, Happiness and Success, we need to get this communication first, and that way we can go into the feeling loved and heard and how are we going to do that, right? But if we can’t express to the other person what we’re really wanting and we can’t arrive at an agreement about what we want, then it makes it harder. We’re doing a deep dive into the number one priority that you should have for your relationship improvement, which is communication. By the end of today’s episode, you are going to get some new insight into how to begin rebuilding the healthy communication your relationship deserves and also requires, so that you can use this as a launchpad to create other types of growth.

We have to listen to what the other one is saying, validate what they’re saying, be open to how they are experiencing things, because maybe it’s not how we are experiencing ourselves, right? I’m here with a very special guest, my friend and colleague Alejandra Piñero, who I’ve known for years. She is a marriage and family therapist here in our network at Growing Self, and she is the real deal here to shed insight onto how to achieve your couples goals.

Alejandra, hi. Thank you for that wonderful introduction, Lisa. Well, you’re kind of amazing, and so that’s why I’m so happy to be visiting with you here. I like talking with you, Alejandra, under any circumstances, but to have you come onto the show and share your perspective on this work — because this is what you do day in and day out with real couples who are coming in the door, who love each other, can have many things that are working well for them, but are also here for a reason. They’re saying, help us improve. So to start, why don’t we unpack some of the things couples come in saying could be better?

Yeah, that’s a great question. There are so many things that couples come in wanting to work on, and we make our best effort to help them get there. So a big one is communication. Couples across the board come in the door saying we need to work on our communication, and it’s something that we go into. But also there’s other things like teamwork or intimacy or conflict resolution, conflict de-escalation, that sort of thing. There’s also the part of teamwork and finances and fun that is also super important, right? Usually they come in with one or two things that they want to work on. And so let me actually restate this in a different way.

Alejandra, I know many times when couples come in and want their relationship to be better, it can be so easy to become hyper focused on things that aren’t working in a relationship. And what we know is that there are many different dimensions of relationship. It’s not like your relationship is good or bad. It’s true that a relationship can have some parts that are working quite well, and also have some parts that could be better. So to start this conversation off, can you give us a walk through of the different dimensions of a healthy relationship and, you know, where people oftentimes start? Can you give us an overview of the parts of a relationship that you help people look at in order to understand what’s working versus maybe what needs to work?

Yeah. Okay. So what I talk about with my clients in a very collaborative manner is the way they are addressing each other, communicating with each other, where they’re coming from, where their feelings are coming from. Maybe it’s something that happened in the past and they’re putting it on the couple in the present. And so we go through that.

We also a lot go over the way I put it in my sessions, which is like we were raised in the playground. When we were young, we were in the playground and we learned to survive in the playground. And how that works is very different to how it works in the relationship with the couple. So we have to relearn. What I mean by this is in the playground, it’s the survival of the fittest. Somebody says something to you and you immediately react and try to top off what they told you, to get your stance in the playground. And this just creates like an escalation thing in the playground, which works there. But then we get to our relationship and if we do that, it becomes a disaster.

So we have to listen to what the other one is saying. Validate what they’re saying, be open to how they are experiencing things, because maybe it’s not how we are experiencing ourselves, right? We have to talk as a team, not as opponents, which is also different. In the playground, we are definitely opponents. We need to self-regulate to be able to have these conversations in a good, more steady manner, in a way that we can listen to each other. And also we have to practice until we get it right.

So there are different dimensions of a healthy relationship. There are things like communication. There’s intimacy. There is being a team around household stuff, parenting, having fun together. For some couples, spirituality is very important. All these different parts of life that we want to assess. And I’ve heard you say that oftentimes communication is one of the most important places to start. Even though you want to make all these changes in other parts of your relationship, don’t even attempt to go there until you can talk to each other constructively. Why is that?

Well, I guess it sets the base ground for the other dimensions. If you are able to have a conversation with each other and listen to each other, then you’re able to get to agreements — like, for example, couple goals. That sometimes are also different in the couples. If you don’t have these skills, then it’s hard to get to those understandings. So yeah. Communication is usually where we start, because sometimes I have couples coming in the first or second session wanting goals that are like, we need to get this communication first, and then we can go into feeling loved and heard. Well, how are we going to do that if we can’t express to the other person what we’re really wanting and we can’t arrive at an agreement about what we want? Then it makes it hard.

Oh yeah. Well, and especially because some of these dimensions of relationship can be very emotionally loaded. Like for me, frequently when I’m working with couples around money — getting on the same page about money — people have a lot attached to that, a lot of deep values and meaning. The same thing with sexuality. A lot of times that can be very hard for people to talk about. And until we’re in a better place in terms of emotionally safe communication, it is very likely that conversations like money or sexuality can go sideways. It’s very easy for those things to kind of go into a conflict because there’s so much feelings.

But so that’s why we practice foundational communication skills first. So we have to organize the work that we go into. Yeah. And it’s important what you bring up, that they go sideways. They really try to have these communications, and suddenly they’re starting off in a good place, and suddenly it’s the same pattern that they don’t want to repeat.

So what I do with the couples in the sessions is break some of these examples down together with them to be able to identify the point where the conversation went to the place that they don’t want it to go. And how would it look like to go to the place where they do, and what’s coming up for them — like you said, the emotional stuff. I had a couple that wanted to talk about finances, and we were able to do this exercise where we broke the conversation down. In together in conversation, we discovered that what was going on is all this baggage that one of the partners had relating to money in her family of origin and how money was managed and handled.

And it brought up all these insecurities in her, like, oh my God, this is what we have. It’s finite. What are we going to do? So we were able to talk about this little stuckness in the emotional. And they have been doing good talking about it since then. They need to practice, right? But they have had a couple of experiences after that session that we were able to break it down, where they are approaching it differently, and they’re getting such a different sense of the conversation.

I love what you’re sharing. And I just want to say this out loud to some of our friends who might be listening. There’s a part of your relationship that is feeling really, really challenging, and it can get very easy — I know I’ve done this, certainly in my own partnership — to get fixated on what should be different specifically, and the path to achieving that desired outcome is not always a direct path where we jump into the action first. Like maybe the goal is I want my partner and I to be on the same page about finances, which means we have a written budget that we’re following together. We make collaborative decisions about spending. Working together toward saving goals. Whatever it means to you.

Counter-intuitively, what you’re saying is that it actually requires the ability to communicate with each other at a level where there’s understanding that is being generated. Like, oh, that’s what is actually attached to this for you. And I didn’t realize that. So now I’m understanding why you have these big, intense feelings about things — that doesn’t really make sense to me, given my own life experience and lack of trauma triggers around this particular thing. Is that what you’re saying?

Yeah, exactly. And unfortunately, I think when you don’t have that understanding of where the other person is coming from, we tend to take it personally, and we tend to take it as an attack, like we’re doing something wrong or like we’re messing up, you know? And so this is also where it tends to go sideways. Because if you’re taking it personally and you’re reacting to that, then you’re not really listening to what the other person is telling you. So it creates this spiral that is not healthy in the communication.

I get that one on the other side. I mean, I’m just gonna own this, and probably some of our friends listening to this can be like, yeah, me too. But especially with some things, not only can we feel attacked, but we can have well-developed opinions about the way things should be based on our own values and life experiences — that when we do actually impose those on our partner, like, you’re doing it wrong, and here’s how it should be — that can honestly have some undertones of judgment, which then also contributes to the partner feeling judged, feeling attacked. Because maybe that is what’s happening a little bit.

Yeah. Also, sometimes people can feel attacked, even if that isn’t the intention, and it’s a pretty neutral interaction — if they have a long history of, I don’t know, like a super critical parent. I know that I struggled with that a lot in my own life.

My husband would say like, pass the salt. And I would feel criticized because my dad was very critical, so I had to work through some of that. Can you relate to any of that? Yes, definitely. I can definitely relate. I’m very hard on myself personally. So whatever other people tell me, sometimes it’s like, oh, they’re being hard on me too, you know. The work is ongoing. I have to take a step back and see what’s going on.

Well, and I think this is — you know, especially when it comes to communication — it’s relatively easy to teach or coach people to try saying it this way. You might get a better result. But it’s not just what you’re saying. It is managing your own internal filter about how you are perceiving what is being said to you. That’s the hard part for me personally, but also in my work with clients, because people hear all kinds of stuff.

Yes. And this is the self-regulation piece that I kind of named it that way. Because you need to regroup yourself and say, okay, why am I taking it this way? Instead of just kind of bursting out with whatever first comes. So if communication is, generally speaking, the way to start — unless, you know, you have already done a lot of work around communication and you know for sure that it’s solid — communication is typically where we want to go first. And how do you help people understand what about their communication is working versus not working, so that they can get visibility into this and start improving it? Because that in itself can feel overwhelming. Where do you begin?

Well, I usually ask them what they have tried in the past. And yelling louder — like, I keep yelling out louder and it doesn’t get better. What’s going on? No. But even if it’s something not yelling — that sounds extreme — but even that: it sounds coherent what they’re doing, but maybe it’s not getting them the response or the result that they’re looking for. And for some reason, people keep doing the same thing wanting to get a different result. So I kind of go into with the couple what they have tried and what has worked and what hasn’t worked. Usually it’s more of what hasn’t worked, which is what got them into my office. And so I just blatantly say, okay, so we have to start doing something else, because that definitely is not working.

So we start brainstorming. What else could they do in those situations to get a different result — a result that would feel better for them? And it’s a very nice conversation actually that happens with the client, because they brainstorm and it’s a good brainstorm. Like, oh, I’ll try to do this. And then the other partner will be like, no, I already did that and they didn’t get the result I was looking for. But it’s like the meta-communication of the communication that they haven’t been talking about. For them to have that interaction, in my experience, it’s amazing to watch. Talking about how they talk about things. And brainstorming, how could I approach it so my partner feels better when I approach it, right?

This is so good, because I feel like — and I’ve been in this space in my own life — sometimes it can just feel so hard, like anything you say could just turn into a fight because people are primed to hear all this negativity. And I just want to install this hope for one of our friends listening in right now: it is absolutely possible to have a collaborative conversation about what would help this feel better for both of us that feels so hopeful, and it starts to generate these ideas about what would make it better. And I also want to highlight — Alejandra, you are such a natural coach. I know that your background is in marriage and family therapy, and you’re officially licensed as a marriage and family therapist, as am I. But I’m really here in your very specialized coach training coming through, because it’s not about necessarily processing the feelings — of course we need to honor those and feel — but we’re really turning it into what would make this better that you can start doing.

Before we do, can I ask your opinion about something that I think really trips up a lot of people and is one of the hidden obstacles to improving communication? I have made this mistake so many times, in my own relationship, and I’m getting better now as I continue to improve. But especially back in the day, when I would think about what wasn’t working with communication with my partner, it was never about what I was doing. It was always about how he was responding or what he was doing or wasn’t doing. And then, you know, it was me. I was like, how dare you? How dare you suggest that I am anything besides — because we all have a deep understanding of our own point of view. Can you relate? I mean, you know that your partner is right for sure. Yeah.

And this is one of the magics in couples therapy, in my opinion: you get these two sides. You’re not just there individually in a session — which is also, we do individual sessions, it’s also very valuable. But having the two people there, you’re very quickly set in your place, because your partner is saying, oh, but you do this. And then they know, but you do this. And so it’s like, okay, wait, slow down. Yes. You both have a part in this. This is not one person’s problem or the other person’s problem.

This is a problem in the interaction. So the fact of having the two people in the room and being able to see both perspectives, it’s like such an impulse to make it better. Like, okay, so you’re going to have to make these adjustments, and you’re going to have to make these adjustments, and then you’re going to meet each other halfway, and that’s going to feel so much better. But these conversations are so hard. I admire all of the clients that come into the sessions, because they’re willing to have these conversations. They come in and they show up every week, and every week they are there, grinding to get it better. But the good thing is that we see results.

Well, it takes courage to open up and be like, yes, okay, I can understand how I am contributing to this cycle or to this dynamic that feels hard. Another thing that’s coming up for me is — you probably know this, but for the benefit of our listeners — if your relationship has been feeling very difficult and you’re focusing a lot on the negatives and the problems, and it’s feeling hard and hopeless: one of the things I just want to say out loud, Alejandra — you mentioned our experience as having two people in the room as relationship coaches, couples counselors. You get a full picture. Being in individual therapy, believe it or not, is correlated with significantly worse relationship satisfaction. Because — there’s actually a fair amount that substantiates this — when you are telling your therapist or support person, let me tell you about this ridiculous thing my partner did recently, and their job is to understand your point of view completely and empathetically and reflect back how you feel, and it did hurt your feelings, it was a frustrating or painful moment, all of that is true — but they’re only hearing your side of the story, and then kind of amplifying that.

And particularly if you’re working with a therapist who was not trained in systems theory, the way that Alejandra and I are, they’re like, wow, this sounds like a really terrible situation. Get out of there fast. Exactly. Or making sweeping statements about the capability of your partner. Where is there maybe a missing part of, like, what happened right before your partner said this really mean thing to you? Tell me about the ten minutes that happened previously, so that they can kind of understand it. Again, not to say that truly abusive relationships aren’t a real thing — I mean, that’s totally true — but many times people don’t really have the awareness of how they were showing up in a way that supported a negative response, versus something that they could have contributed that would have increased the likelihood of it going better rather than worse. Do you know what I’m talking about there?

Yes, this is so true. This is actually when I do work with individual clients — I tell them, I try to bring other voices into the room, not just theirs. And I say, that’s a consultation. This is a very systemic approach, even though you’re coming in individually. Because exactly what you’re saying — I wouldn’t want to make their relationship worse. I want to know what’s really going on. And so I say, okay, but what did they respond to that? Or, like you said, what happened ten, fifteen minutes before? And so together we kind of do this work systemically even though it’s individual, because I wouldn’t want to ruin anybody’s relationship on the consultation.

Yes. You’re promoting healthy, loving relationships. So Communication 101 is really to foster healthy communication. I’d love to unpack this a little bit more. So for a friend listening at home who wants to start moving in this direction so that they can hopefully start working on other parts of their relationship in a constructive way, let’s unpack the elements of healthy communication — which from my point of view really correlate with the pillars of emotional intelligence, honestly: meaning the ability to regulate yourself, the ability to understand how you’re feeling, but then also the ability to understand what somebody else is feeling and then how to communicate or respond in a way that supports that relationship — that is pro-relationship — that it turns into a positive reaction rather than a negative interaction.

And I think that you were talking about your understanding of healthy communication in a similar way, and that the first place you often work is by helping people manage their own reactivity in some of these moments. So take us into an example of what this looks like — a time before this work has been done, and then a story of transformation. Somebody is maybe super reactive and then was able to get a better handle on things so that they could communicate more effectively.

Yeah, I would be happy to do that. So this is a couple I worked with in the past. They’re not my clients right now. They came to me because they were having trouble. They were fighting too much. They loved each other very much. There was no stepping out of the relationship. There was nothing extreme going on, but they were fighting too much, and part of it was because things got heightened very fast in their relationship.

Even if it was like a really small thing, like the dishes weren’t washed or the clothes weren’t set in the dryer or something like that. One of the partners had a lot of trouble controlling — they would think they had to do everything in their relationship and their partner wasn’t helping at all. And so it went from zero to a thousand. It’s like, another example of how I have to do everything and what is going on and all of that.

So after some sessions, after some conversation, talking about this cycle together with them and breaking it down and seeing what was going on, we were able to tap into both of their backgrounds and past experiences. And we saw how in this reactive partner’s family, there were no reactions from her parents. It was very aggressive, but nobody said anything. So her reacting so loudly was wanting to make a change. Because she had seen how there was so much anger and resentment in her parents, because nobody got mad and nobody said anything — but it was all under the water, and it was so uncomfortable. So they wanted to do the opposite. And they got reactive really fast. In their mind, they were saving their relationship. They were doing something good for the relationship.

Oh my gosh. That makes so much sense. There’s this core understanding of, me freaking out and saying exactly how I feel in the moment is a healthy, good thing compared to what happened in my family. Even though this part — I mean, I’m guessing their partner was having a reaction to it. Wow. Exactly. So the fact that we were able to go into that, and the partner understood where this person was coming from, and that person understood also where they were coming from, and how they had to find a balance. They didn’t want to be quiet, but they didn’t want to go to a thousand. There was a middle ground. That was one of the stories.

I wonder — you just illustrated something else that I think is so incredibly important: that literally all of us learned how to communicate about these kinds of situations from our own family of origin. And if that wasn’t ideal, that is what we either carry forward or try to figure out how to do things differently. And nobody actually teaches us. So to have the opportunity to sit with you and slow down, and have this person’s partner being like, yeah, when you yell at me, that does bad things to me — to be like, oh, okay. And understanding, maybe I could handle these moments better. Not that we don’t need to work toward having a more balanced partnership, and who is responsible for taking the laundry out of the dryer — that’s fine — but communication needs to change first.

And how to even do that. What did this couple need to learn how to do differently in order to manage these moments in a more constructive way?

Well, the first thing was to be aware of what was going on. So we got out of the way, and the partner was able to understand what was going on and why they were going to such extreme lengths to voice their opinions, and why it was important to them. So this is how the compassion also hits differently, right? When they realized where it was coming from, it wasn’t against them. It wasn’t because they were a terrible person — which was where that was hitting home for them. Like, oh my God, I don’t do anything right. Nothing is enough. Like, I’m doing all — you know. And so they were feeling like so pushed down, like nothing was enough that they were doing.

So it was like unhinging. Like, this is okay. This is coming from their past. It’s not that I’m inadequate. And so when the partner heard that they were feeling inadequate, they were able to highlight all the wonderful things that they do. So this created a connection in the conversation, the same way that they were able to say, it’s not necessary for me to go from one to a thousand. There are other ways I can voice what I’m feeling and what I’m thinking and what I’m needing. And if I don’t go to a thousand, doesn’t mean that it’s not working. It’ll work, because my partner is going to hear me.

So we came up with this structure together. They would help each other out. The partner that was getting heightened very fast was going to say, this is not about you. Remember, this is me. It’s just important for me. But you are doing — you know, I appreciate so much everything that you’re doing. And the other partner, if they saw that the other partner was getting heightened, they would say, okay, slow down. This is a bit too much. We can take a break. I love you. We’ll come back to it. We’ll address it. They had agreed on twenty minutes or something like that — that was enough time for them to decompress and come down.

This was very helpful for them. I have to say, though, it took them some time after we talked about it, even though they had it very clear in their minds what was going on. The change didn’t happen in the next few days. It was a little bit disheartening at times, because they went back to the same old patterns, not being able to get to where they wanted. But what was amazing about this couple is that they kept trying. It’s like, okay, this is not a setback. This is just the way we’re growing. It is not linear. We’re going to have our little moments.

Thank you so much. I just want to pause here for one second, because what I think you’re saying is so profoundly important: that what happens in relationship coaching, communication coaching — it is not just informational.

Yes, you will get new insights and understanding into yourself and your partner. You will also learn — this may get you better results. But the real power here is not informational at all. It is experiential. Just like if you are working with a golf coach or a sports coach, we don’t just say, here’s how to hit the ball. There is a lot of practice, and you can expect to do it the first twenty times, and it isn’t going to be quite right, because you’re still practicing. And I just wanted to say this out loud, because I think that many people don’t really understand that the process of practicing and internalizing these sorts of changes — that it is like a growth curve, and it’s an unrealistic expectation to believe that it should be different.

Because I’ve had people come back and, you know, like, well, we tried to do this thing that you said once, and it didn’t work, so it’s not going to work. I’m like, okay. So going back to this. There are two parts of this, in my experience. One is that the person who’s practicing saying something differently — yes, how do we calm down, how do we say the words? But the other thing that is always true in a system is that your partner has a thousand old experiences of this old way of being. So the first several times you try a new way of being, they may still react to you or perceive you in the same way, even though you are trying to show up differently. And that’s the experiential part. You need to retrain them to expect different things from you. And that can be something in itself that’s hard to fight through. Has that been your experience too?

That’s a big challenge. And I talk about this with my clients a lot. It’s like, don’t get disheartened. It’ll get better, but we won’t see the change in a week. But I assure you, in six months, in a year, you’ll look back and you’ll say, oh, we were so different back then. We’re doing things so differently. But the changes are so small, because we’re doing little tweaks and things in small quantities. It’s not like we’re able to be a different person from one day to the next. Sometimes clients are like, no, this is the thing. Nothing has changed. Nothing has changed.

And so what I also do is go back with them. It’s like, okay, let’s talk about that. What about this hasn’t changed? And we go over all the things together. Like, oh, you’re right. This was so much different in the past. Absolutely. Then tracking progress over time, I think, can also help you feel so much hope. Like, it is getting better. We’re doing it. It turns into this upward spiral. Like, we can do hard things. Yes. Exactly.

Well, the other thing that I’m interested to hear your thoughts on is — we’re talking about when communication does get better, like, what needs to go into that. And so you’re saying that the very first piece sometimes is self-awareness, but also this understanding of your partner. And if there is a different story to explain why things are happening that is capturing somebody’s noble intentions or saying, oh, they’re not intentionally trying to be mean to me or calling me inadequate — this is what it’s attached to for them, which is this thing that I can actually have a lot of compassion for. That is oftentimes where it begins: by changing the story. And then it moves into regulating the self. Like, oh, I’m having this big response, and I know that if things come out of my mouth when I’m in this place, it’s not going to end well. So I need to go calm down and then think about what I want to say. So there’s that self-management. Those are big pieces. And then it turns into: what do we actually say, or how do we actually respond to our partners in the moment?

Because no matter what your goals are, this is often where to start. If communication is not working, it’s very difficult to solve other problems in a relationship. And so, Alejandra, you are talking about these foundational pieces — awareness of what’s going on, self-awareness, self-regulation, other awareness, bringing in some compassion and understanding and noble intentions. This is the groundwork. But then we also need to learn how to have courageous conversations in an effective way — like, what to actually say. But also the other piece of this is how we respond to our partners in constructive ways. This is the skills-building part. So I’d love to hear your thoughts about — when people are communicating well, what are they doing differently that turns it into a constructive conversation instead of a conflict?

Yeah, well, I think listening is very important to what the other person is saying, and not just having your agenda in mind. If we want to have a conversation and communication, we need to take into account what the other person is saying and responding to that. So I think that is very important. Also, making the other person feel heard is very important. And not just talking over and saying what you’re feeling, and how what they’re feeling is not the right way to feel. Exactly. And I think those two are key.

And another very important one is talking to your partner as if you’re on the same team. Because sometimes we do this on the day-to-day basis. We’re making a plan for a vacation. We’re making a plan to go out or something for the children. And we want the same thing, so it’s easy to be on the same team. But when things get hard, I think it’s common that couples go to different teams and start just rooting for what they’re having in mind would be perfect, or is the ideal situation. This is where it gets complicated. Because even if it’s coming from a good intention, you’re not prioritizing the relationship in that moment. And when you’re not prioritizing the relationship, then communication is not really possible.

Okay, I hear you. Okay. You just said very important things, and slow down just a second. But first of all, I think one big takeaway for anybody listening to this is: if anything begins to feel conflictual, it’s very important to stop trying to advocate for your perspective, and instead move into this listening stance. Like, seek to understand first. Which can feel kind of counterintuitive — especially if you’re like, no, but this is what I want. And to just recognize this in yourself and immediately take a step back and become curious about what your partner wants. That will defuse a conflict and help them feel understood. I think that sometimes that can feel threatening to people. Like, but yes, if I did that, then I would lose. That kind of thinking. And nobody’s trying to disempower you, but to reduce the conflict, this is often where we need to go.

Yeah, because it’s not a win or lose for you. It’s a win or lose for the couple. If you see it as for you, then it gets tricky, and it bleeds into other areas of the relationship. That can have impact.

Hopefully. So to examine some of those core beliefs that are getting in the way of your being able to listen and understand first, and then I heard you say something else that was so important. Like, if you’re choosing you instead of the relationship and whatever’s happening, everybody loses. And instead try to move into, we’re on the same team, we want the same thing, we have a common goal here. How would someone do that in the moment if it feels like communication is starting to break down? Is there a phrase or strategy you teach your clients?

Yes, for sure. This is super important, and I usually put it in an example that we have been working together. Like, okay, you want the kids to go to day school. Your partner doesn’t. Okay. For you, it’s important because whatever reasons you have. And your partner is in it. How do you get to that? How are you able to think as a team? This is also a very collaborative conversation with them. I name it the way it is. I say, you want this because it’s good for you. You want this because it’s good for you. But you guys are not thinking as a team what would be good for the whole family or for the couple.

And again, we brainstorm together. And usually couples, they impress me, because they have so many ideas on what would make it better that I wouldn’t have imagined. And we usually get to an agreement that feels good for them. That’s amazing. Have some support. You know, you’re not the only person in this family. What the goal is, is that you guys are actually on the same page. And we found something that feels good for both of us. Brainstorm what that might look like.

Yes. You don’t have to necessarily agree to it, but let’s just start that process of the goal is a mutually agreeable outcome. Exactly. And, you know, it’s funny, in some of these instances where it’s very black-and-white — either we do one thing or we do the other — these conversations, usually it’s not that they reach a compromise, but one or the other thing happens. But both parties are more at ease with that happening. They are able to see how it’s going to be helpful for both of them, even though it’s not their choice, it’s not what they would have wanted. So they’re able to arrive at this conclusion, like, okay, I’m not happy with my kid going to the school, but I understand what they’re saying. It’s going to be better for the three of us. So okay. That’s a compromise, even if you didn’t do what you were doing or you didn’t find a middle ground.

Yeah. It’s like you need to go deeper into what does it mean — more deeply into the shared values that whatever the thing is might be related to — and find a way that the agreement supports that is more important than whatever it was that you were fighting about. Such good advice, Alejandra. I wish we had more time together. You are just such a wealth of good information about communication and so many other things. I know your expertise extends to so many different aspects of healthy relationships. But thank you for spending this time with me today. If somebody wanted to connect with you — Alejandra is my person, I want to talk to her about what’s going on in my relationship — and also, we might not have mentioned this out loud in our time together, but you’re bilingual, you work with clients in English and Spanish, and you have a lot of experience working in bicultural relationships, which can be so valuable, because cultural influences can impact communication styles frequently as well. So what would be the process for somebody to connect with you and get that ball rolling?

They can just get in touch with me through the Growing Self site, or my email. You can book a free consultation session to get to know each other and see if it might be a good fit before moving forward. So, Alejandra, you’re a gem. Thanks again so much. No, thank you so much, Lisa. It was wonderful having this conversation with you.