Couple arm wrestling representing having the same fight over and over.

How to Stop Having ‘The Same Fight’

Are You Having the Same Fight Over and Over?

In my work as a marriage counselor, it’s not uncommon for couples to come into their counseling session with the concern that they “just can’t stop having the same fight.” They have hopes of resolving the issue and strengthening their marriage. If you’re having a horrible fight or continually arguing with your partner, I want to discuss what does and doesn’t work when it comes to resolving arguments, and how you can stop the negative cycle that’s impacting your relationship. It’s time to stop fighting, and start understanding.

Constant Arguing in a Relationship?

So you disagree with one another. You’re not seeing eye-to-eye on an important matter that impacts your relationship. It’s causing a lot of tension that quickly escalates into a debate where no one wins. It’s exhausting to say the least, but you’re just not willing to give up trying to get the other person to see your point of view and understand your feelings. It matters to you that your partner gets you, feels you, and is able to work with you to solve a perpetual problem in your relationship.

The reality is that you have both failed at your attempts to try to resolve the chronic issue for years. You’re both finally at your breaking point and considering reaching out to a  professional marriage counselor or couples therapist in hopes of saving your relationship.

When a couple feels like they don’t know how to stop fighting about the same things, I like to first discuss what isn’t working. Because if we don’t know what’s broken how can we fix it? 

Why You Keep Having the Same Fight with Your Partner

What hasn’t worked is trying to prove your point by going over the facts and details of what happened and what was said in hopes that you will come to some sort of agreement that will end the argument.

The conversation instantly becomes heated and after a failed attempt to persuade your partner that their actions and ideas are wrong, you step away feeling defeated, hopeless, and at your breaking point. 

You may even threaten to break up or divorce because you can’t continue to have this same argument over and over again with no resolution. [Check out: How to Stop a Divorce and Save Your Marriage]

Trying to convince your partner to see your point of view isn’t the way to get them to actually see your point of view. And while you can go back and forth all day, around and around on the exact. same. topic. It’s not going to fix anything. That’s just the truth. 

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Are You Stuck in a Negative Relationship Cycle?

I have worked with hundreds of couples who have struggled with this dilemma. They are highly distressed from getting stuck in this negative cycle. They need help getting out of it so they can resolve the argument at its core and enjoy the good things that they share in their relationship. Sometimes, a lot of conflict in a relationship is a sign of emotional enmeshment, which is an unhealthy pattern that can be resolved by working with a good couples counselor.

The truth is, this is not a quick fix, particularly if this pattern has been repeating itself for years. It will take some time to untangle and get to the root of the problem so that it can be handled in a manner that prevents it from continuing to grow, fester, and take over your seemingly great relationship otherwise.

Because let’s be honest, the dishes in the sink, the cancelled plans, or lack of similar interest in a hobby aren’t the real reason you’re upset – you’re actually feeling invalidated, ignored, or maybe even taken for granted. So, how to begin to untangle this problem and discuss the real root of the problem?

How to Resolve the “Same Fight” in Your Relationship:

  1. First, you must be willing to be 100% responsible and accountable for your part in the argument.
  2. Second, you must be open to taking a look at what your partner does that triggers your behavior and therefore impacts your partner’s reaction to you.
  3. Third, you must also be willing to explore the emotions you feel and identify your relationship needs.
  4. Fourth, you must be willing to take a look at your worst fears and be able to talk about this with your partner.

And the good thing? You don’t have to do this alone. 

You’re Not Alone

Every couple has arguments that if not resolved can turn into a negative cycle of interaction. [Check out: Communication 101] This can leave you feeling estranged from your partner, which often includes feeling alone and isolated. 

There is no way to keep from getting caught in a negative cycle from time to time. If you don’t have the knowledge and skills to work through this together, then partners become stuck in a disconnected alienated impasse.

Working with a trained couple’s therapist or relationship coach can help you break out of these negative cycles, and as a result you will become more resilient and experience more trust and security in your relationship.

This is what I want for you so that you can enjoy your life together, grow stronger together, and have a happy and fulfilling partnership. If this resonates with you and you think you could benefit from some professional help, then please set up a free consultation with a therapist or coach so you can get help to move forward.

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If you’re considering getting involved in marriage counseling, couples therapy, or relationship coaching you probably have questions! Get your marriage counseling questions answered, right here.


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