How to Control Anger in a Relationship

Lisa Marie Bobby:

Is the way you manage anger hurting your relationship? Maybe the way you’re not managing anger on today’s episode of love happiness and success We’re talking about how to get anger under control so that it doesn’t damage your relationships. I’m your host. Dr Lisa Marie Bobby. My background is as a licensed psychologist.

I’m also a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in healthy relationships, and I’m a board certified coach, meaning that I like to get results. I’m the founder of Growing Self Counseling Coaching and the host of the Love, Happiness, and Success podcast. And I’m so happy we are talking about anger in relationships today and how to manage it because anger is not.

a negative emotion. Because anger is a really important and even positive emotion, but the way you handle it is everything. Anger can be protective, it can give us insight into our emotional guidance system, and it can tap into our deepest values. Being in touch with healthy and legitimate anger is a really positive thing.

However, we also need to be able to manage our angry feelings so that we are not destructive in our relationships. So if somebody in your house has been flying off the hook lately. Maybe you. Today’s episode will give you clarity about what’s going on and how to create more peace and calm in yourself and in your relationship.

Again, specifically, we’re going to be talking about why you might be feeling so angry with your partner recently and what to do about that. We’ll also talk about how to control anger. I’ll give you some communication strategies for how to communicate effectively when you are feeling as. And then lastly, we’ll talk about healthy communication, emotional intelligence skills, and I’m going to load you up with some free resources.

So to jump right into this, first of all, let’s talk about why, why you might be feeling angry lately in your relationship. This is a million dollar question and a valid one. You might have really good and legitimate reasons for feeling angry. For example, self protection is oftentimes one of the primary reasons why people feel angry.

You might have heard the phrase, anger is a secondary emotion. Come to think of it, that’s something that I frequently say because it’s true. There is always something underneath anger. Either fear or anger. or pain. And so, when you make contact with anger, you have to listen to it and think, where is this coming from?

And it may be absolutely, legitimately the case that there is stuff going on in your relationship that your anger is speaking to. telling you you need to pay attention to. For example, is your anger telling you that you need to protect yourself? I mean, if you’re the one flying off the hook frequently, think about why that might be and why that makes sense.

Are you being victimized in this relationship? Are you being treated unfairly? And is your anger telling you that something needs to change? If so, what? Are you talking about how you feel and the change that you’d like to see in your relationship? If not, why not? Do you need to be setting some healthy boundaries for yourself or asking for what you need?

If not, it is okay. It’s time to have an open conversation about this and or start setting some healthy boundaries. Your anger is here to protect you. Feelings of anger in a relationship can also point to unhealed wounds or unfinished emotional business. Maybe nothing bad is happening right now, however, if you have been betrayed, abandoned, or let down in a major way by your partner, you might now be feeling frustrated.

This is something that happens when people want to jump over all the emotional healing parts of relationship repair. That happened in the past. I apologize. Let’s move on. Is not actually how this works. If you’re feeling angry in the aftermath of especially a betrayal trauma, that means there is something wrong.

still healing work to do there and you need to pay attention to that. There are other reasons why you might be experiencing anger in your relationship. For example, if you guys are stuck in a pursue withdraw negative relationship cycle, it might be you that is the person Sewer, meaning that you are going to get escalated habitually because you feel like you have to freak out in order to get your withdrawn partner to engage with you.

Similarly, if you are in a distressed relationship where things are actually not okay, of course you’re feeling frustrated with that. And you may also be developing negative narratives about your partner, and their character, and their capacity for love, which also makes it much easier to get annoyed with them over little things.

You may also feel really angry in your relationship for reasons that have literally Thing to do with your partner. For example, many mental health conditions, including depression, anxiety, or PTSD irritability is literally the symptom of that. If you have unmanaged psychiatric symptoms and you’re feeling angry a lot, particularly at your partner, that is a sign that you need to manage that so that you can show up.

as your best self in this relationship. Additionally, your health can really impact your mood, particularly when it comes to feeling angry or irritable. So for example, if you aren’t sleeping well, or even if you are over caffeinated, that can change the way you feel. Take a look at how you are managing your own health and whether or not there are things going on or self care behaviors you can incorporate that will help you feel more even keeled because it makes a big difference.

The last thing to be paying attention to here is your mindset. Anger often arises when we feel that our rules or expectations are being violated. And it’s really important to be asking yourself, are these rules mutually agreed upon? Or are they my rules that I’m imposing on my partner? Are my expectations realistic about what should be happening?

Or am I imposing my worldview on this other person and then feeling mad when they’re not playing by my rules? Think about the people you know who tend to be chronically angry and hostile. They often are carrying around a persecution narrative, a victim mentality, where they really believe that other people are harming them, betraying them, doing something wrong that they are justified in being upset about.

And I think we’ve all known people where, as an observer, you’re able to look at that and be like, actually, there’s some other people. points of view here that could be respected. And I’m not saying necessarily that that’s true in your relationship, but I do know as a therapist and also, you know, a fellow human, we are all vulnerable to that.

And if you are feeling angry, A lot with your partner. It’s important to crack into your mindset to think about where this is coming from, feeding to my feelings, or do I feel this way with a lot of people and are my expectations of others? Potentially part of where this is coming from, that’s a sign. It might be time to do some work on yourself in that area.

Next, we’re going to be talking about some things that you can do to manage anger inside of yourself and make sure that it doesn’t harm your relationship. But before we move into that, I do just want to say out loud that you don’t have to be mad about anybody being angry. Okay? Bye. Anger can get a bad reputation, but legitimate anger is perfectly normal and it is a very healthy dark emotion.

I never call anger a bad emotion. It is a dark emotion and an incredibly valuable one because our anger acts as a guiding light. It points towards areas of our lives that need to change, either things about our relationships or unfinished business with the past, or sometimes things about ourselves, that we’re not taking care of ourselves well.

We have untreated mental health symptoms that need to be paid attention to, or that we have our own problems. own personal growth work to do, that we may have inherited old mindsets or old core beliefs from our families of origin that were true in that circumstance, but that are actually causing problems in our lives and our relationships now.

Anger can be the doorway that helps you tap into all of that. All of that. Additionally, because anger is a signal that stems from either pain or fear, our anger is showing us where our more vulnerable feelings are. What are we sad about? What are we afraid of? What has hurt our feelings? And so when we tap into that, that is how we can achieve more authenticity and vulnerability in our relationships.

And that is what creates deeper emotional intimacy. So if you want to reject anger, you are throwing the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. You need anger in order to make contact with all of these more vulnerable places in order to have the kinds of emotionally intimate relationships that you really want.

However, It is also true that while it is absolutely okay and good to have angry feelings, I can tell you as a couples counselor, marriage counselor, relationship coach, that unmanaged anger can be really destructive to relationships. It is always okay to have feelings. It is not okay to behave in ways that are hostile, toxic or destructive to other people.

When anger is unmanaged, it will escalate conflicts, it will undermine the emotional safety in your relationship, and it will create real problems. Anger itself is neutral, even positive, but what you do with your anger really changes the outcome of your relationships. and managing your anger well is your responsibility to do.

Additionally, chronic hostility not only makes you feel bad, it escalates all of your fight or flight stress hormones, it’ll damage your health, but it also causes people that you care about to distance themselves from you emotionally, which is the last thing that you want. So for all of these reasons, it’s Very important to be able to control your anger and channel it in really helpful and productive ways.

And controlling anger starts by first understanding the root cause of it. Think about what we’ve talked about so far on this podcast. Uh, do some journaling, reflect on whether your feelings of anger are coming from hurt, from fear, from, you know, self protective factors, from unmet expectations, or consider that maybe you’re not fully okay.

Once you identify that source, then you can begin to take steps to https: otter. ai

Why do I get so angry at my partner? Journal it and I will tell you. If you are having trouble like really cracking into that in an honest way that allows you to get insight into yourself and doesn’t go into this, you know, unhelpful, irrational, I’m being victimized, persecution narrative. unless that is actually the truth of your relationship, in which case you need to get into marriage counseling.

But if you’re having trouble really understanding your own emotional experience, that can be a sign that getting into really effective therapy with somebody who understands these kinds of emotional intelligence skills that we’re talking about could be really, really helpful. It’ll give you insight into your blind spot.

Because before we can change anything, we have to be aware of it. If this is hard, it’s a sign you should go talk to somebody. And then, once you have insight into what’s going on, it’s time to have some vulnerable conversations that help you express your anger. But if in an emotionally safe way. You don’t get to scream at anybody, but you do get to talk about what’s going on on those deeper levels that’s creating pain or fear for you.

You might also pause right here just to think about how can I express the deeper issues for me in a way that is authentic for me, that is vulnerable for me, but that will also feel safe. safe for my partner to hear. It is very important that you are talking about these deeper feelings because when anger is building up inside of you, it will ultimately, uh, sometimes explode if you’re not managing it.

And if you’re avoiding conflict, that will also create this emotional wall between you and your partner. Like if you’re really, really angry, even if you’re not. saying that out loud, they can still feel you. And it feels really bad to be with somebody who’s irritated and annoyed all the time. It may also be quite validating for your partner to hear you talking about what’s going on that’s contributing to these feelings of frustration and irritability, particularly if you’ve identified that there might be some mental health issues.

or some health related factors that you need to work on, or most importantly, that you’ve been holding on to some old, unhelpful mindsets that are not serving your relationship well. Your partner probably already knows those things. things. But to hear you say it out loud could be an incredibly helpful healing bonding moment for your relationship that launches a new chapter.

If you want to have courageous conversations like that, but feel like it is beyond your ability to, to do that in such a way where you’re being authentic or it’s, not turning into a fight or, or maybe your partner isn’t hearing you when you try to be vulnerable. That is another sign that it might be important to get in front of a really good marriage counselor, meaning a licensed marriage and family therapist who has specialized training and experience in relationships.

specifically, which most therapists don’t have. So don’t go to any old therapist. Look for an MFT to get help in building bridges to the center and connecting in the way that I’m talking about here. As you are having these courageous conversations, don’t forget to listen to your partner’s input.

experience, they might have some things to say about what it has been like to live with you and your anger. And it’s really important that you are helping them feel heard, respected, and understood. Be prepared to learn things that you didn’t know and receive some feedback that will help you grow.

Challenge yourself to respond to your partner in the way that you would like them to respond to you. This process of listening and validating will build trust. And transform these conflicts into opportunities for deeper understanding and deeper connection. And when we are all mature enough to be receiving feedback about how we are being experienced by other people, it is such a gift.

This is what helps us grow, provided that it is given in a loving and constructive way. If that isn’t happening, um, Again, you might need a mediator to help you have these kinds of courageous conversations at this level. This is what marriage counselors do. They don’t just provide information, they help people have healing experiences.

experiences with each other that hold these doors open and help people connect in a different way. It is transformational to have these experiences and if you’re listening to this and you want and need that, I just want you to know there’s a path to, to getting that, but it might involve getting some help.

But then thirdly. And this is where you’re going to hear my relationship coaching hat coming on, is that it’s time to take action. When you have identified the problem and when you have had constructive conversations where you’re getting real with each other about, you know, what we both need, want, and deserve, you have to actualize this and do something about it in order to create the kind of change that you both really want and deserve.

Talking isn’t enough. Generating insight isn’t enough. This is why I’m not a therapist. I mean, I am a licensed therapist, but why I’ve moved away from practicing traditional therapy over the years is I’m a coach. I don’t know about you, but for me, I want to do something about it. So we need to make an action plan.

The first and most important part of any good action plan is figuring out how you’re going to support yourself. problems together, because just having anger doesn’t call for catharsis, right? It’s calls for problem solving. So what has been going on that has been creating tension, particularly if there’s some unfinished emotional business, or if you’ve identified actual relationship problems that need to be resolved.

If you have been just fighting about problems, but you’re not productively finding solutions, of course you’re angry. So what do you want to be different that would make this feel better for both of you? Having deep conversations about what has been the problem, understanding where you’re getting stuck, And then creating that plan for what would it look like if we were each behaving in a different way, that we weren’t creating these reactions in each other.

And this might be communication skills training. It might be operating differently around the house. And again, if you’re having trouble getting there. committing to a new plan together where you’re both taking responsibility and accountability for what’s been going on on both sides, a good relationship coach can help you with that.

In fact, getting into couples counseling or relationship coaching might actually be the most effective action that you can take. But of course there are others. So, when it comes to the actions that’ll change this, above and beyond solving problems is really starting to dig into anger management skills.

Things like emotional intelligence skills can make a big difference on how anger is manifesting or being managed in your relationship. If podcast, you have heard me talk about emotional intelligence at a number of different occasions because it is so crucially important to having healthy relationships but also to like feeling okay personally and actually your career path can be highly dependent on your emotional intelligence skills.

And contrary to popular opinion, emotional intelligence is not just about like being charming and knowing what to say. Say to people, emotional intelligence is really about being self-aware and having skills and abilities that help you regulate your own emotions to prevent them from, you know, sabotaging yourself on personal levels, but also to prevent them from damaging your relationships.

And cultivating a robust set of emotional intelligence skills is a personal growth endeavor. This is something that takes a little bit of time, you might be working on this for a while, and the most effective anger management technique of all is readily available for you right this very second, and that is taking breaks.

When any of us are feeling emotionally And I know you know what I mean. It’s like really escalated. Our thinking brains go out the window and we have all been in these conflictual escalated situations where we might say or do things that we feel really badly about later. Like when you’re in a calm place, you’re like, I can’t believe I said that.

Uh, and it’s important to be able to recognize when you’re on the on ramp to that kind of emotionality and the easiest way to just shut it all down. If you realize you’re not in a good place, you cannot have a constructive conversation. Just take some time away from it and calm down. And as much as you want to, you can’t just walk out of the room without telling your partner this.

There are rules. Relationship rules for taking a break in a constructive way. First of all, tell your partner how you’re feeling and say, I need to calm down. I need to take a break and tell them when you’ll be back. And then don’t spend your break telling yourself stories about how right you are and how wrong they are and refining your argument.

That is not going to help the cause here, which is having a break. A healthier relationship. Instead, use that break to calm your nervous system, get in touch with your real feelings, higher values. So go on a walk, get some exercise, take a shower, calm down physiologically, do some journaling, call a friend or something, you know, anything that helps you get in touch with the underlying things so that you can come back into that, that space.

communication into that conversation from an authentically good place where you are ready to communicate in a courageous and constructive way. And bonus points if you use some of this quiet time to explore your own At the beginning of this, we talked about how mindset is often the culprit at the bottom of this tendency to be angry outside of other variables, right?

So think about what stories are you telling yourself about the situation that you’re feeling angry about? All of our feelings stem from the meaning that we make out of things. Actually, that’s not totally true. We can have emotions, particularly things like irritability, that are actually physiological in nature.

Just the other day, I was so mad. I was frustrated and irritable and snappy to people, and then I realized, um, I had four cups of coffee this morning. I probably shouldn’t do that again. So like, there can definitely be a physiological basis for our feelings. Anybody who has gone through perimenopause will tell you that.

Or your adolescent who’s like slamming the door so hard the windows break. Like, they are not fully in command of themselves. There’s physical things going on. However, it is also true that outside of that, our feelings tend to stay. So if you have old mental narratives that are assuming bad intentions from other people or you know, that somebody is doing something to harm you or you are being disrespected or somebody is not doing something they should be doing or vice versa, you are going to spend a lot of time feeling angry and you’re going to have a lot of conflict in your life.

For example, you might be telling yourself, without even realizing it, that your partner keeps leaving their dishes in the sink because they don’t respect you, they feel that you are the maid, and they don’t care about how you’re feeling, and that it’s your job to do their dishes. And when you’re in this state, As you’re thinking about it, you can come up with 20 other examples of annoying things your partner does just to disrespect you, right?

Like when we go to those places, that’s what happens to the mental narrative. And when you say, spend too much time stewing in that, you are going to feel angry and you are also going to feel entitled to punish them for harming you, aren’t you? If you let that train keep going down the tracks by the time you talk to your partner about it, you are going to be coming into this with this problem.

pent up frustration and just, you know, this conversation that will be very hostile very quickly. You do this. You do that. Very accusatory. And what will happen is that they will withdraw or get defensive because you are being pretty intense. And now, all of a sudden, you’re having this nasty argument, and you’re both behaving badly.

Although, you have your reasons, don’t you? And doesn’t this just confirm all the negative things you already believe about your partner? You had all these thoughts that made you feel all these things, and then you engage with your partner in a way that basically turned into this self fulfilling prophecy.

So what When you are practicing good anger management skills and taking a break, don’t go there. Instead, choose a story that helps you feel happier, that is more generous and benevolent to your partner, that takes into consideration what else might be going on inside of them as opposed to a desire to harm you in some way.

Okay? And let’s That help you calm down and come into your conversation with your partner from a place where you are assuming their noble intentions. That is a strategy that will help you have healthier relationships with the people that you love. I hope those tips help you understand what to do differently in these moments when things are feeling escalated.

And of course, these are only a few of many different things that you can be doing to manage all of this more constructively. And I promised you some free resources. We first began this podcast together, so let’s get to it. So things I have for you. I recently launched a free, totally free new resource.

that I think could help you. Um, it is called communication that connects. It is a free two part training. So two video sessions with me, plus a extensive workbook with a lot of different exercises, self reflection types of things, self assessment. Assessments where you can score yourself. You can score your partner.

You can walk through different journal activities where you’re really tapping into what you want for your relationship and how to attain that. And also teaching healthy communication skills that will help you create the outcome that you want. It is totally free. I made it for you and I hope you take advantage of it.

You can grab that at growing self.com/communication. The other resource. that I have, uh, if you’re a regular listener, you now know this is that on Thursdays, I’m now hosting a live stream where I’m connecting with you guys, answering your questions about what’s going on in your life and in your relationships.

If you’ve been dealing with anger in your relationship, I want to talk about it. I would love to give you some tips. Perspective or feedback, anything that I can do to be helpful for you. So if you’re catching this episode, the week I released it, please join me this coming Thursday. I do this at 12 PM Mountain, 2 PM Eastern.

Um, and if you can’t make it or for whatever reason, you don’t want to jump in on this in the socials and be asking questions in like a public forum, you can use this link here, growingself. com forward slash dear hyphen Lisa to ask your question in advance. And when you do that, you can also get, um, just an email reminder that will remind you that the live stream is coming up.

And we’ll also send you a recap of the live stream so you can hear your question answered by me, even if you can’t make it in person. And lastly, at numerous points in this episode, I kind of highlighted different situations when it can could actually be useful to talk to a professional marriage counselor or relationship coach to help you break through some of the obstacles that you might encounter as you tackle this growth work.

And of course, if you would like to do that with my group, Growing Self Counseling and Coaching, you’re invited schedule a free consultation. You can meet with one of the marriage and family therapists on my team to talk about your hopes and goals for this and get a sense of how they could help. Is there a mental health thing going on that you need our assistance in addressing?

Um, we may be able to help you with that, but also the marriage and family therapists on my team are, are like me. They practice coaching modalities that really focus on identifying what is the problem and you guys need to be doing differently in order to have better experiences with each other. And then holding you both accountable for following through and making that happen.

So if you’d like to do that work with us, come to growingself.com and just book a free consultation. So that’s it for today. I hope this conversation was helpful for you and I’ll be back in touch next week with another episode of love, happiness and success.