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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is a licensed psychologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified coach, AAMFT clinical supervisor, host of the Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast and founder of Growing Self.
If you’re here right now Googling “how do you get over your ex,” first of all: welcome. Second: you’re in good company. We’ve all been there—staring into the void (a.k.a. your phone), checking your ex’s Instagram stories like you’re the world’s saddest private detective.
On this episode of the Love, Happiness & Success podcast, I dove deep into this exact issue. If you’re struggling with how to overcome your ex and recover from heartbreak, it’s not because you’re weak. It’s because you’re human. And I’ve developed a step by step process for getting over an ex and growing into your best self along the way. My Heal From Heartbreak Program will walk you through each step you need to take. You’re not alone in this. I’m here to help you find yourself again.
How Do You Get Over Your Ex
Let’s start with some validation: this heartbreak and torment you’re feeling about getting over an ex? It’s real. In fact, there’s neuroscience behind it.
One of my brilliant colleagues, Dr. Helen Fisher, did a study where she scanned the brains of people freshly dumped (ouch) and found that their brains lit up in the same places as people experiencing withdrawal from drugs. That means your longing for your ex is not just “in your head.” It’s literally in your brain’s pleasure and reward centers, firing like you’re jonesing for a hit of your favorite person—even if they were toxic, ghosted you, breadcrumbed you, or told you they “just need space.”
So if you’re wondering why you’re still thinking about your ex, it’s not because you’re broken—it’s because your brain got addicted to love. That’s why we treat this like a recovery process. Getting over your ex takes a combination of knowledge, self-compassion, and yes, boundaries.
I’ve spent decades working with clients in the midst of heartbreak just like you, and developed a 9-step process you can walk through to heal, grow, and move on for good. Traditional therapists are not trained in the steps it takes to heal from heartbreak.
That’s why traditional therapy can keep you stuck in loops and rumination. Let’s dig into a few of the breakup strategies I’ll walk you through in my Heal from Heartbreak Program so you can stop wondering how to overcome your ex and move on for good.
Step One: Accept That It’s Over
I know. This one stings.
I’ve heard it again and again as a therapist: “I just can’t stop thinking about them.”
And what was really underneath that? Hope. Hope that they’d come back. Hope that maybe this breakup was just another bump in the road. But here’s the thing: as long as you’re holding onto hope, you’re not healing. You’re stuck in limbo—emotionally unavailable for anything else, including your own peace.
Want a reality check that might just set you free? Write yourself a letter that says:
“This relationship is over. I am no longer going to see, speak to, or be with this person. And I deserve to be free from this attachment so I can move on with my life.”
Grieving the end of a relationship is hard—but it’s the work that clears the way for your future. If you’re feeling like the heartbreak will never stop, know that it’s part of the natural emotional healing process. Extend yourself some self compassion for going through this breakup. You won’t stay here forever.
Still thinking about your ex?
This is Why…
Healing after a relationship loss happens in stages. If you can’t let go, it means that you’ve gotten stuck somewhere in the process. Let’s break you free.
Take this free, two-minute quiz to discover exactly what stage you need to work through, and what to do next in order to heal, grow, and move forward.
From Heartbreak to Healing: Your Next Chapter Starts Here
How to Get Over a Breakup — For Good.
There are nine distinct stages of healing after relationship loss. If you miss one, you’ll get stuck. Dr. Lisa’s one-of-a-kind, comprehensive system guides you productively through all, with the support of group coaching and 1:1 sessions. Learn more about How to Heal From Heartbreak →
How Long To Get Over a Breakup? Find Out.
When will you finally get over your breakup, and be emotionally free from your ex? How over your ex are you? What’s your breakup recovery timeline? What do YOU need to do next, in order to move forward? Access Dr. Lisa’s confidential, free Breakup Quiz here, and find out →
Online Breakup and Divorce Support Group
You’re not alone. Heal your heart in our positive, affirming online breakup and divorce support group, with weekly group coaching led by an experienced divorce and breakup recovery counselor, plus 24/7 access to an affirming community of support. Learn more about Dr. Bobby’s Heartbreak Growth Collective →
Get Relationship Clarity Through Discernment Counseling
Should you end this? Or is there still hope for your relationship? Find out, and get the clarity and confidence you need to move forward, through a special (rare) type of couples work designed for this. Learn about discernment counseling →
You’re Not Alone In This: Let Us Help You
We have so many ways to support you during this difficult time including structured programs, group coaching, and 1:1 private sessions. Which path is right for you? Have a free consultation, to discuss your situation, your options, and the best path forward. Schedule Your Free Consultation →
Need Encouragement? Perspective? Guidance? It’s Here: Free Divorce & Breakup Advice
You’re going through a painful time, and Dr. Lisa is here for you. Get her guidance for free, right now in this curated podcast playlist and content collection she put together just for you. Access her Healing From Heartbreak Collection →
Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love
Why is it so hard to let go, even when you know you should? In her award-winning “Exaholics” book, Dr. Lisa explains why, and illuminates the path forward towards emotional liberation, growth, and recovery. Get your copy of Exaholics, right here →
Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About Your Ex — And How to Break Free
Can you ever stop loving someone? Want to know how to get over an ex? Learn how to stop thinking about someone so you can move on.
What It Really Takes To Get Over Someone: The Stages of a Breakup
Withdrawal, grieving, growing, rebuilding: Understanding the stages of recovery are vital to your healing process after a divorce. Learn about the stages of breakup recovery…
Yes, You Can Create an Amicable Divorce
You’re divorcing, and your biggest fear is what will happen to the kids. How can you make this as okay as possible for them? Learn how to achieve an amicable divorce →
Stop a Divorce
The threat of divorce can actually be a turning point for a marriage if you understand how to use it as an opportunity to foster healing. In this podcast, learn how to stop a divorce →
Why Do You Keep Going Back? Are You Addicted to a Toxic Relationship?
Profoundly unhealthy relationships can be the hardest to get over. Find out if you’re addicted to a toxic relationship.
When to Call It Quits
Is there still hope for your relationship, or is it best to part ways? Learn the signs that growth and healing are possible, vs. signs it’s time to call it quits in a relationship →
How to Leave a Toxic Relationship, With Dignity
Learn why it’s so hard to leave a toxic relationship, and the things you can do to empower and support yourself in your journey to emotional empowerment.
Wow!! I just googled getting over a relationship your website popped up. Listened to your podcast. Thank you so much!! You are so right about not knowing or accepting that the relationship is completely done. I heard it three times. I look forward to listening and reading your articles.
I’m so glad to hear that this podcast was helpful to you. That’s why I do them! Yes, many people really struggle with acceptance when a relationship is ending. I liken it to the same stages of change that someone with a substance abuse problem has to go through before they can finally commit to abstinence in my “Exaholics” book. I’ll be doing another breakup podcast again in a month or two — let me know if you have questions for me to answer! And thanks for listening to the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast. xo, Lisa
Thank you for this podcast.
I have been obsessing over my ex for about four years and you perfectly explained the reason. I’ve been thinking for the last four years that I could get back together with her and this delusion has guided my life for the past four years. I’ve literally moved halfway across the world and changed careers because I thought it would fix whatever problems we had and that we could get back together. I was wrong and totally changed my life for a delusion.
I’m going to try the techniques you mentioned to move past her.
I have a question. Is there ever a point where you can be around that person again? I recently ran into her, and her new bf, accidentally at a social function and had a mini-breakdown. It was a very troubling experience, but unavoidable considering the over-lap in our interests. What should I do?
Hi Walter, I’m so pleased to hear that the ideas I shared in the podcast, and my book Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love helped you to understand your situation differently. It sounds like when you reframed your “hope” as “delusion” it set you free. Your question about whether the anxiety / angst you feel in the Ex’s presence ever ends is a good one, and one that many people wonder about. The short answer is “Yes, but not totally.” I think that the longer answer is worthy of discussion, and I’ll plan to address it on my next breakup-related podcast. Thank you for the suggestion, and for being a listener. All the best to you on your continued journey of growth. — Lisa
Thank you so much for this podcast. It really opened my eyes to the fact that I’m still in denial that the relationship is over. One question however, one of your suggestions to moving on was to cut all contact but my ex and I actually have a child together of whom we share custody. What is your suggestion for those who HAVE to see and speak to their ex?
Brooke, great question. Having circumstances where you must continue a working relationship with your Ex make it so much harder to create and maintain appropriate boundaries, and to heal emotionally. The answer is not a simple “cookie cutter” one, and your solution needs to fit the circumstances of your life. I offer some strategies in my book, “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to An Ex Love” and in my online “Heal Your Broken Heart” class at http://www.breakup-recovery.com. But the big picture truth is that when you have healed and feel emotionally free, necessary interactions with your Ex will not feel nearly as difficult or triggering as they do now. That is my ultimate hope for you! Send me an email and I’ll send you a copy of my book and coupon for my online program, to help support you on your journey of healing. drlisa@growingself.com. xoxo LMB
Wow. Listening to your podcasts really shines light on my problem. It’s so easy for us to become consumed in our own personal issues that we tend to forget that it’s normal to grieve; many people have grieved a break-up. I plan to utilize these coping strategies. Accepting that the relationship is over and not happening again is key… I really never thought of it that way. I never thought about the visualization of that “space” that we stay in for so long. Thank you for this. I look forward to listening to more of your podcasts.
Hi Melissa,
Yes, that is so true: grieving is an essential part of the breakup recovery process, and one that often gets blocked if people have not fully worked their way through “acceptance.” You can learn more about the stages of the recovery process that I teach my private clients here: http://www.breakup-recovery.com, and also through the new “Surviving Your Breakup Over the Holidays” podcast I just published. I hope that learning more about what is “normal and expected” helps you find your way. All the best to you, Lisa
I am in the purgatory phase. I sometimes get a feeling of disdain for all that has happened which makes me feel strongly that my decision to leave this relationship was a good choice, but I get moments where I feel the withdraw from the affection, hopefulness, and optimism I once felt. This podcast is just what I needed to hear and at the right moment. I’m at work, utterly enveloped in emotions. So I cannot find the ability to focus on a daily basis.
I will listen to all that has been said, I’m stuck in a dilemma, however, because, my ex quite often and against my wishes visits me, at my job and at my house unexpectedly.
He is still very much in love with the idea of me and is possessive over me. He does not want to see me with someone else. I, on the other hand, want to meet new people only as friends at this point, he has oppressed me having guy friends because of jealousy and distrust. I never cheated in this relationship and have proven my faithfulness, but I can no longer take the false accusations, its made me feel insane at times that I’d have to defend my good behavior to someone hellbent on believing I am up to something he is imagining up in his brain.
I refuse to be with someone who only sees the worst of me because of paranoia, it wasn’t as noticeable at the beginning. He makes up lies to say he saw me in public or he saw me do this or that, and then I catch him in his lies.
I just can’t help from totally disconnecting from him either. I think this weekend I’m going to hold a funeral with some of my friends and throw in a bucket of fire all that I need to get off my chest.
Hi Luis, thank you for sharing your story. Yes, it is so hard in this situation: On the one hand you need to have boundaries so that you can heal and move on, and at the same time it’s hard to set boundaries because disconnection feels so painful. I am glad that you’re considering using a “letting go” ritual to help you move through this.
For extra support you might also consider joining our free, online breakup support group on Facebook. It’s a great community of people going through the same thing. It’s not a “therapy” group, really just an online peer support group. It’s a secret, hidden group (to protect everyone’s confidentiality) and the only way to join is to send a request to me personally on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/drlisabobby/. I hope you get in touch if you’d like to join! All the best, LMB
Wow!! I just googled getting over a relationship your website popped up. Listened to your podcast. Thank you so much!! You are so right about not knowing or accepting that the relationship is completely done. I heard it three times. I look forward to listening and reading your articles.
I’m so glad to hear that this podcast was helpful to you. That’s why I do them! Yes, many people really struggle with acceptance when a relationship is ending. I liken it to the same stages of change that someone with a substance abuse problem has to go through before they can finally commit to abstinence in my “Exaholics” book. I’ll be doing another breakup podcast again in a month or two — let me know if you have questions for me to answer! And thanks for listening to the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast. xo, Lisa
Thank you for this podcast.
I have been obsessing over my ex for about four years and you perfectly explained the reason. I’ve been thinking for the last four years that I could get back together with her and this delusion has guided my life for the past four years. I’ve literally moved halfway across the world and changed careers because I thought it would fix whatever problems we had and that we could get back together. I was wrong and totally changed my life for a delusion.
I’m going to try the techniques you mentioned to move past her.
I have a question. Is there ever a point where you can be around that person again? I recently ran into her, and her new bf, accidentally at a social function and had a mini-breakdown. It was a very troubling experience, but unavoidable considering the over-lap in our interests. What should I do?
Hi Walter, I’m so pleased to hear that the ideas I shared in the podcast, and my book Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love helped you to understand your situation differently. It sounds like when you reframed your “hope” as “delusion” it set you free. Your question about whether the anxiety / angst you feel in the Ex’s presence ever ends is a good one, and one that many people wonder about. The short answer is “Yes, but not totally.” I think that the longer answer is worthy of discussion, and I’ll plan to address it on my next breakup-related podcast. Thank you for the suggestion, and for being a listener. All the best to you on your continued journey of growth. — Lisa
Thank you so much for this podcast. It really opened my eyes to the fact that I’m still in denial that the relationship is over. One question however, one of your suggestions to moving on was to cut all contact but my ex and I actually have a child together of whom we share custody. What is your suggestion for those who HAVE to see and speak to their ex?
Brooke, great question. Having circumstances where you must continue a working relationship with your Ex make it so much harder to create and maintain appropriate boundaries, and to heal emotionally. The answer is not a simple “cookie cutter” one, and your solution needs to fit the circumstances of your life. I offer some strategies in my book, “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to An Ex Love” and in my online “Heal Your Broken Heart” class at http://www.breakup-recovery.com. But the big picture truth is that when you have healed and feel emotionally free, necessary interactions with your Ex will not feel nearly as difficult or triggering as they do now. That is my ultimate hope for you! Send me an email and I’ll send you a copy of my book and coupon for my online program, to help support you on your journey of healing. drlisa@growingself.com. xoxo LMB
Wow. Listening to your podcasts really shines light on my problem. It’s so easy for us to become consumed in our own personal issues that we tend to forget that it’s normal to grieve; many people have grieved a break-up. I plan to utilize these coping strategies. Accepting that the relationship is over and not happening again is key… I really never thought of it that way. I never thought about the visualization of that “space” that we stay in for so long. Thank you for this. I look forward to listening to more of your podcasts.
Hi Melissa,
Yes, that is so true: grieving is an essential part of the breakup recovery process, and one that often gets blocked if people have not fully worked their way through “acceptance.” You can learn more about the stages of the recovery process that I teach my private clients here: http://www.breakup-recovery.com, and also through the new “Surviving Your Breakup Over the Holidays” podcast I just published. I hope that learning more about what is “normal and expected” helps you find your way. All the best to you, Lisa
I am in the purgatory phase. I sometimes get a feeling of disdain for all that has happened which makes me feel strongly that my decision to leave this relationship was a good choice, but I get moments where I feel the withdraw from the affection, hopefulness, and optimism I once felt. This podcast is just what I needed to hear and at the right moment. I’m at work, utterly enveloped in emotions. So I cannot find the ability to focus on a daily basis.
I will listen to all that has been said, I’m stuck in a dilemma, however, because, my ex quite often and against my wishes visits me, at my job and at my house unexpectedly.
He is still very much in love with the idea of me and is possessive over me. He does not want to see me with someone else. I, on the other hand, want to meet new people only as friends at this point, he has oppressed me having guy friends because of jealousy and distrust. I never cheated in this relationship and have proven my faithfulness, but I can no longer take the false accusations, its made me feel insane at times that I’d have to defend my good behavior to someone hellbent on believing I am up to something he is imagining up in his brain.
I refuse to be with someone who only sees the worst of me because of paranoia, it wasn’t as noticeable at the beginning. He makes up lies to say he saw me in public or he saw me do this or that, and then I catch him in his lies.
I just can’t help from totally disconnecting from him either. I think this weekend I’m going to hold a funeral with some of my friends and throw in a bucket of fire all that I need to get off my chest.
Hi Luis, thank you for sharing your story. Yes, it is so hard in this situation: On the one hand you need to have boundaries so that you can heal and move on, and at the same time it’s hard to set boundaries because disconnection feels so painful. I am glad that you’re considering using a “letting go” ritual to help you move through this.
For extra support you might also consider joining our free, online breakup support group on Facebook. It’s a great community of people going through the same thing. It’s not a “therapy” group, really just an online peer support group. It’s a secret, hidden group (to protect everyone’s confidentiality) and the only way to join is to send a request to me personally on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/drlisabobby/. I hope you get in touch if you’d like to join! All the best, LMB