The 9 Stages of a Breakup

Breakup Stage 5: Releasing Anger, and Making Friends With Dark Emotions

Once you’ve grieved the loss and you’ve gotten past the hardest parts of withdrawal, the deeper layers of healing can happen. Most people, when the dust starts to settle, become aware that they still have feelings like anger, guilt, and even shame related to their relationship. Until you work through these feelings post-breakup, it’s hard to release your attachment to your Ex fully.

This is where you need to learn how to work with your dark emotions—like anger and resentment—not by suppressing them, but by using them as powerful tools for growth. You can transform anger into clarity, listen to your guilt without letting it crush you, and find your way out of shame and into self-compassion.

The next stage of breakups often involves turning away from the focus being on your Ex and turning towards yourself. Most people going through a bad breakup feel like it’s taken a toll on their self-esteem. Learning how to love yourself again is the foundation for being able to rebuild and move on after a breakup.

Breakup Stage 6: What Did I Learn?

When you’re feeling clear and strong, you have a wonderful opportunity to gather up the learning experiences that you may have uncovered through your healing process. Keeping these life lessons in the forefront will give you the power to create a better future for yourself. If not, you’re destined to repeat the mistakes of your past.

This stage is where you turn your heartbreak into wisdom. As you reflect deeply on your past relationships, identify what was missing, and—most importantly—clarify what you need and deserve moving forward, you’ll start to see the light at the end of the breakup tunnel. This is where you stop repeating old patterns and start stepping into intentional love.

Breakup Stage 7: Cutting The Cords

Once you’ve worked through the dark emotions of a breakup, craving, grief, anger, and shame…. you’re free to move on. AND, annoyingly, many people still find that they are thinking about their Ex. They might even have intrusive thoughts about their Ex. In this stage of a breakup, there’s no continued reason to keep thinking about your Ex… but it’s easier said than done.

That’s why cutting those cords is so transformative. Learning how to break the mental and emotional loops that keep your Ex front and center in your mind will create freedom and space for you to heal fully.

Breakup Stage 8: Designing Your New Chapter

Welcome to one of the final stages of heartbreak recovery — the most exciting and empowering one of all. This is where your healing journey shifts from looking backward to looking forward. It’s where you begin to design a life that reflects not just your healing, but your growth and transformation.

In Stage Eight, you’re no longer defined by your past. You’re no longer consumed by thoughts of your ex or haunted by what could have been. Instead, you’re standing in your power, ready to create a life that’s in alignment with your deepest values, dreams, and desires.

This stage is all about possibility. You’re not just moving on — you’re moving up. You’re expanding into the most authentic version of yourself. You might find yourself reconnecting with old passions or discovering entirely new ones. You might start to date again, not from a place of desperation or fear, but from a place of curiosity and wholeness.

Designing your new chapter doesn’t mean you’ll never look back with tenderness or even sadness. That’s okay. Those memories are part of your story — but they’re not the whole story. You’ve turned the page, and you’re writing something new.

This is the time to get clear on what you want your next chapter to feel like. What kind of love are you ready to invite into your life? What kind of friendships, adventures, and experiences will fill your days with meaning? These are the questions that shape this new chapter — and you are the only one who can answer them.

So give yourself permission to dream big. You’ve earned it. Your heartbreak was not the end of your story; it was the catalyst for becoming the strongest, wisest, and most radiant version of yourself. This is your time to shine.

Breakup Stage 9: Learning to Trust Again

It is 1000% okay to be single and satisfied. You do NOT need to push yourself to be in a new relationship if you don’t want to. However, if in your heart of hearts you want to be in a new relationship… there’s a bit of work for you to do here too. 

The last stage of a breakup is learning how to create healthy new relationships in the future. For many people, this requires learning how to trust again after a breakup. What many people discover through this healing process is how to trust themselves.

This is the stage you can develop the relational and emotional intelligence to choose better partners, date with confidence, trust your instincts, explore how to build trust slowly, communicate clearly, and show up as your most empowered self in new relationships.

How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Breakup?

The amount of time it takes to get over a romantic breakup varies from person to person and depends on a wide variety of personal factors. Breakup recovery isn’t a one-size-fits-all process. 

Some people may start feeling better in a matter of weeks, while for others, it could take several months or even years to fully heal. The duration may depend on the length and intensity of the relationship, the reasons for the breakup, the amount of emotional support received, and the person’s coping mechanisms. Factors like your attachment style and sensitivity to rejection also play a role.

It’s crucial to allow yourself the time needed to heal and not rush the process. Self-care, seeking support from friends, family, or a breakup recovery group like my Growth Collective, and focusing on personal growth can all contribute to a smoother and quicker recovery. 

While there’s no set timetable for healing, it’s important to consider whether you’re making progress or getting stuck. If you don’t feel like you’re on a trajectory of healing, then seeking support from a breakup recovery expert can help you start to feel better.

How to Heal From Heartbreak

Navigating the 9 stages of a breakup can be an incredibly emotional and disorienting journey. Whether you’re still feeling shocked by the initial split, wrestling with longing and what-ifs, or finding glimpses of peace and hope for the future, one thing is clear: healing is a process. You’re not alone in this, and there is a path forward—even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.

If you’re wondering where you fall in the breakup recovery process, my free breakup recovery quiz: How Over Your Ex Are You?—is a great next step. It’s designed to help you understand what stage of healing you’re currently in, and more importantly, what you need to focus on to move forward. Whether you’re stuck in anger, bargaining, or detachment, this quiz offers personalized insights that can help you make sense of your emotions and gain clarity on what comes next. 

👉Take the Breakup Quiz now to start decoding your healing journey.

And if you’re feeling overwhelmed or simply ready for support, we’re here for you. Our team at Growing Self specializes in helping people heal from heartbreak—not just to feel better, but to grow into stronger, wiser, more empowered versions of themselves.

If you’re ready to talk to someone who truly understands what you’re going through and can help you move forward, you’re warmly invited to schedule a free consultation with one of our expert counselors or coaches. This isn’t just about moving on—it’s about creating your new beginning. 

👉Schedule your free consultation today. You deserve to feel whole again. Let’s do this together. 💛

Xoxo,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

P.S. Know someone who’s going through it right now? Share this article with a friend who could use some clarity, comfort, and hope. You never know how much a simple message can help someone feel less alone.

Resources:

Field, T. (2011). Romantic breakups, heartbreak and bereavement—Romantic breakups. Psychology, 2(04), 382. https://www.scirp.org/html/6296.html

Eastwick, P. W., Finkel, E. J., Krishnamurti, T., & Loewenstein, G. (2008). Mispredicting distress following romantic breakup: Revealing the time course of the affective forecasting error. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 44(3), 800-807. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0022103107000960

Di Fabio, A., & Saklofske, D. H. (2019). Positive relational management for sustainable development: Beyond personality traits—The contribution of emotional intelligence. Sustainability, 11(2), 330. https://www.mdpi.com/2071-1050/11/2/330