When To Call It Quits In a Relationship

The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Music Credits: Brick Fields, “This Time Coming Soon”

Is It Time to Call Your Relationship Quits?

Takeaways: Sometimes relationships aren’t sustainable. How can you know when it’s time to break up with your partner? Learning about the difference between solvable problems, and unsolvable relationship problems, can help you make the decision that’s right for you.

As a couples counseling expert and discernment counselor, I often speak to people seeking relationship advice about matters of the heart. Knowing when to keep trying or when to call it quits in a relationship is always confusing. Even in a fundamentally strong relationship, when your relationship has been feeling hard it’s absolutely normal to have doubts and wonder when to end a relationship. You might wonder whether you’re compatible with your partner, or whether your relationship can be saved.

But if your relationship has been feeling frustrating, painful, and unsatisfying for a long time — to the point where the relationship problems are starting to feel permanent fixtures — you might start asking yourself things like, “When is it time to break up?” or “When is it time to divorce?” Figuring out whether your relationship can improve or when it’s time to call it quits in a relationship is often the first step in knowing what to do, one way or another.

How to Know if Your Relationship Is Over

All couples — even the most happy, fundamentally healthy and compatible couples — will always be confronted by things that challenge them to grow as people. Most of the time, these opportunities first emerge as “relationship conflict.” Deep down, these moments are simply a chance to reflect on who you are, whether or not your current relationship skill set is working for you, and how you can make positive changes that benefit you, your partner, and your family.

But these opportunities do not look like inviting “relationship growth moments” that are framed so clearly. No. What they usually look and feel like are ongoing, sometimes even nasty and hurtful conflict between you and your partner. 

Most people are not aware of their “relationship growth opportunities” as they start butting heads with their partner, and getting feedback about things that are being perceived as hurtful or unloving. Instead they feel angry, defensive, attacked, or hurt and often express that passionately. It is not obvious or intuitive in these moments that the frustration, hurt and annoyance can be a doorway to growth.

…[C]onstant conflict reveals a treasure of new awarenesses…

In reality, most couples can’t calm down enough and shift into a space of intentional understanding when they’re feeling triggered and upset. Not on their own anyway. They just go round and round, until someone eventually withdraws. [Read more about the joys of “Emotional Flooding.”] But if a couple can get involved in meaningful growth work together, ideally, an evidence-based form of couples therapy conducted by a legitimate relationship expert, all of a sudden that constant conflict reveals a treasure of new awarenesses, unhelpful old patterns just begging to be released, the chance to heal old wounds, new experiences that help you understand each other on a whole new level, and motivation to learn new communication skills and emotional intelligence strategies that will empower you in every aspect of your life — including your most important relationship. 

There is so much opportunity. But couples only have this aspect of conflict revealed to them when they are in a safe space and being guided by a skillful and knowledgeable marriage counseling or couples therapy expert who knows what they are doing (sadly, most don’t.)

But most relationships fail without ever having had the chance to do this kind of meaningful growth work together. They never get to learn and grow. They never get instruction and support around how to do things differently. Instead, couples fall into predictable, increasingly negative patterns of relationship conflict and then wind up making decisions about when to call it quits in a relationship because they haven’t been able to make positive changes on their own. They don’t see the path forward so they assume that the only solution to their relationship problems is the “final solution” of divorce or breaking up. And that’s really too bad.

So if you are asking yourself questions like, “When is it time to break up?” or “When to call it quits on a relationship” because of ongoing unresolved relationship conflict, and feeling stuck in a “pro and con” list or feeling anxious about whether to get divorced, try this instead: Ask yourself a different question. Ask, “Is meaningful growth and change possible for us?”

Also, remember that it’s absolutely normal and expected for couples in distressed relationships to be hostile, emotionally unavailable, withdrawn, blaming, avoidant, passive-aggressive, not following through with household obligations, not meeting expectations, and generally being hurtful and annoying. People in distressed relationships do all of these things because their relationships are distressed.

So then the next question becomes not “Should I end my relationship based on what is happening right now?” but rather, “If we were both feeling loved and respected in this relationship, and learned how to communicate, manage expectations, work as a team, etc., how could our relationship be different?”

If you’re like many people the immediate answer is, “NO! Not possible. I’ve told him 500 times how I feel and he always gets defensive and it never changes so we cannot grow. No.” That is often a reflexive answer based on the experiences you’ve had to-date, and often based on how your partner is functioning in the context of a distressed relationship (i.e., Not their best selves!).

When I sit with my couples clients and really unpack this with them the true answer is more like,

“I don’t really know yet whether or not growth is possible for us. We are angry with each other. I haven’t been my best self either. We’ve never been in a situation where we worked with a relationship expert who used an evidence-based model to help us understand each other and ourselves, and who taught us new skills and strategies, and who held us accountable for making changes.”

If that is the case for you, too, the first step in getting clarity about whether you should call it quits is to find out for sure whether or not change is possible. Then you will be able to move forward with clarity and confidence, one way or the other.

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When To Give Up On a Relationship

Of course, for some couples, growth and change is not possible. How do you know for sure if it’s time to break up, or when it’s time to divorce? Your answer lies in the action.

  1. When you make a sincere effort to get you and your partner into a meaningful growth opportunity…. and they refuse to go to couples counseling.
  2. If you meet with an effective, evidence-based online marriage counselor or couples therapist together, your partner will not participate on a deep level. They might show up for the appointments but they may continue to blame you, engage in gaslighting, and deny any responsibility for the issues, which sabotages the couples counseling process.
  3. When the marriage counselor invites them to share their perceptions of the problem, your partner may give voice to a perspective grounded in an absolute lack of empathy for yours.
  4. They may flatly reject any efforts of the couples therapist to help them unpack their feelings, or make links between what they learned in their families of origin, and how they are showing up in their relationship.
  5. Furthermore, they may not be coachable, meaning that they are not open to learning new skills or trying to do things differently for the benefit of the relationship.
  6. They may show you, through their behaviors, that they are more committed to continuing their own negative relationship patterns than they are to staying married to you.

As frustrating as this is, it’s also okay: positive, even — because then you know for sure that this relationship is over. There is no hope. Nothing can change. It may not be the answer you wanted, but it’s an answer you can use to find solid ground and make a new plan for your life. You are free to go and find peace, love, and understanding elsewhere.

When To End a Relationship Vs. When To Grow

Of course, when considering when to call it quits in a relationship there are additional complexities above and beyond the need to figure out whether or not growth is possible. For example, if you are married with a crush on someone else (or having an affair) it can cast a lot of doubt and confusion on your relationship. It would be to your benefit (and to the benefit of your spouse, honestly) for YOU to get involved in individual therapy or effective life coaching in order to get clarity about your next steps. 

Only if you’re committed to your relationship will any change be possible, and if you have an emotional attachment to someone other than your partner, it makes it really hard to work on your relationship.

When You’re Feeling Trapped In a Relationship

Another reality for many people is the experience of feeling trapped in a relationship due to practical circumstances. Some common reasons that people feel this way include:

If you want to leave your marriage but feel that you can’t due to concerns about how you’ll make it on your own, that you won’t be able to get over your Ex, or if you have concerns for your children that lead you to stay, it’s important that you enlist the support of a professional therapist, life coach, or career coach to help you set meaningful goals and make a sustainable plan to move forward. (Even if it’s a long-term plan.)

How to Know if Growth Is Possible in Your Relationship

Whether or not to end a relationship often depends on whether growth is possible (or not), for your partner.

Because all of these questions are often complicated and difficult to sort through, they’re worthy of exploration and discussion. If you’ve been twisting yourself into knots trying to figure out when to call it quits in a relationship, I hope you find some comfort in the knowledge that it’s extremely difficult to find a clear “break up or stay together” answer in the context of a messy, multifaceted situation. The answer to the question of whether to break up or stay together is often, “it depends.” 

Whether or not to end a relationship often depends on whether growth is possible (or not), for your partner. But it may also depend on whether or not growth is possible for you, too. It also depends on what external or internal factors are creating barriers that make you feel forced to stay in an unhappy or unhealthy relationship. There may be emotional factors at play that make you feel like you should stay in the relationship… even though in your heart of hearts you might not want to.

No matter what you ultimately decide, whether to end your relationship or whether to attempt a new chapter, the path forward is always first getting clarity about what is possible… and what is not. Only with that clarity can you have the confidence to figure out what you want and take action — action that feels like it’s connected with your highest values and personal integrity — one way or the other. The process of getting this clarity can take weeks, months, sometimes even years. It may involve you and your partner working together to get this clarity. It may involve just you educating yourself, and giving yourself the time and space to do some individual growth work.

To help you get clarity on the variables that may impact your decision about whether to call it quits in a relationship, or whether to try to foster a relationship growth experience, I’ve devoted an entire episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast on the topic of how to figure out when to break up and when to stay together.

I’ll be addressing specific questions to help you figure out whether you should end your relationship, or keep trying like:

  • How can you tell whether growth is possible for your relationship, or whether breaking up is the right choice?
  • Why do couples wind up breaking up prematurely, without knowing or not whether growth was actually possible?
  • What are specific indications that your partner, if given meaningful and effective opportunities to change, is able or willing to do so?
  • What are the signs that there is no hope for this relationship, and that is time to divorce or break up?
  • What are the sneaky, toxic relationship signs that can lead you to stay stuck in a relationship that is fundamentally not good for you, and unlikely to change?
  • What are the growth opportunities that YOU might need to engage in, in order to feel more clear and confident about your commitment to your current relationship…. Or more clear and confident that it’s time to end your relationship?
  • What if you want to break up or divorce, but are stuck because you feel guilty about it?
  • How do you handle leaving a relationship if your partner has a problem like a mental health issue, substance use disorder, or other issues?
  • What to do if you’re unhappy in your relationship and would like to divorce, but are facing practical realities such as co-parenting concerns or financial consequences if you separate?

All that, plus more insights, thought provoking questions, and actionable advice to support your path forward, whether it’s time to reach for hope and growth… or time to call it quits.

And if you would like support on this journey from a couples counselor or individual counselor at Growing Self, I invite you to schedule a free consultation.

All the best,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Sources

  1. Scott SB, Rhoades GK, Stanley SM, Allen ES, Markman HJ. Reasons for Divorce and Recollections of Premarital Intervention: Implications for Improving Relationship Education. Couple Family Psychol. 2013 Jun;2(2):131-145. doi: 10.1037/a0032025. PMID: 24818068; PMCID: PMC4012696. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4012696/
  2. https://ifstudies.org/blog/reasons-people-give-for-divorce

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When To Call It Quits In a Relationship

The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Music Credits: Brick Fields, “This Time Coming Soon”

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4 Comments

  1. Hello Dr. Bobby,

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic!

    I feel that I have a unique situation. However, in reality, it’s probably more common than I think. I have C-PTSD related to childhood trauma; as you know this impacts attachment. I also experienced an acute trauma (SA) at the age of nineteen. I am now twenty-eight. I started therapy around age twenty-two with a talk therapist. When I was finally ready to talk about my SA, about a year in, we both realized I needed a trauma specific therapist. I’ve been with my trauma therapist most of my twenties. Through different modalities, including EMDR, we’ve celebrated many successes. I quit drinking+started medication. There’s a lot to be proud of. Around age twenty-six, I started to feel like I had really rounded a corner and started to emerge from my traumatized world-view. I also am feeling my sexuality/libido slowly come online again. I also moved in with my partner (3 years ago) who I had been dating since I was twenty-one. He has been supportive throughout this whole process. There were some impactful missteps he made around my trauma early on before he understood trauma that have had lasting impacts. My trauma has also interrupted our sex and intimacy; this has taken it toll of the relationship too. Two years into our relationship, I also had a transgression. I kissed and was having an emotional affair with a classmate. There is a lot of love there, having grown up and wiser together. However, we still fall into this dynamic of him being paternal and infantilizing me. At the beginning of our relationship, I was constantly overwhelmed by choices, and I needed him to make those choices for us for practical reasons. Now that I’ve gained more confidence and am in a better place with my trauma, I kind of resent him for what feels like undermining my confidence in choices. We’ve had several couples counseling sessions, but due to scheduling, it fell by the wayside. He was away working all summer and I really enjoyed my new found independence in day to day life. I’ve expressed my need to continue that. I am not sure if I know how to be independent within the relationship. He doesn’t actively block my independence, it just subtly happens as a result of our own habits and societal norms. We’ve talked about separating so I could experience living alone and other aspects of adulthood that I feel like I’ve missed out on because I felt stuck in arrested development post trauma. I am not sure if I am ready to give up the comfort+stability of my relationship. He feels whiplashed by my constant back and forth and fears that this will keep coming up. We’ve reached out to our couples counselor to restart sessions. Obviously, I can’t promise this desire won’t come up again. I had resigned myself to having a utilitarian relationship of practical love, but connecting with other people over the summer showed me that I don’t actually want to forego passion in my relationship either. We are trying to figure out if it’s better to end it now and remain close or try to rekindle our romantic and intimate connection, as well as my independence, by working through it.

    1. Jessica — Thanks so much for your comment. I want to congratulate you on all the hard work that you’ve done to resolve your past trauma and move forward in a healthier way. It sounds like it has impacted the dynamics of your current relationship and that, as you grow healthier, you’re experiencing growing pains. I’m relieved to hear that you’ve reached out to a couples counselor for help navigating this — very smart move. I hope that you’re working with a marriage and family therapist, and not with an individual counselor, who could fall into the trap of over-focusing on your past rather than on the relationship in the present.
      I have a few resources for you here that may speak to what you’re going through:
      https://www.growingself.com/breaking-old-relationship-patterns/
      https://www.growingself.com/grow-together-or-grow-apart/
      https://www.growingself.com/codependency-quiz-codependent-relationship/
      Wishing you the very best xoxo Lisa

  2. What if my partner goes back and forth between wanting to make changes and work on things and standing firm in his way of being and saying he has always been this way and this is who he is. I want to hold on to his “words” of wanting to change. And he has changed some of his ways since her started therapy/counseling a year ago. He cheated on me multiple times in our first 4 years together. I found out at the 2 yr mark and finally walked away at the 4 yr mark. He finally decided to seek therapy and he has not talked to other women for the past year. However, there are still red flags that he hasn’t changed his thinking and he continues to lie to others and gets super defensive when we are trying to have conversations about almost anything. When I recently witnessed his lying to a friend. It triggered me and I wondered if he was also lying to me again. He also insists on keeping a relationship with a 21 yr old boy who is the son of his ex-fiancé. The ex fiance is one of the last people who my boyfriend cheated on me with, just 1 yr ago. My boyfriend refuses to have boundaries with this young man, even though I feel like this young man is not respectful of him. I realize he has the right to chose to have this young man in his life. However, I don’t feel comfortable with it because of the lies and deception from the past mostly related to his mom. I feel like my only option is to walk away from this relationship in order to have peace in my life. I am truly struggling. He also drinks a lot and I have voiced my concerns. He “cut back” for a few weeks, but continues to drink sometimes excessively (although he doesn’t agree that he does drink too much.)

    1. I’m so sorry to hear about what’s happening in your relationship, Carol. What you’re describing sounds difficult indeed. I don’t know much about your situation, but it sounds like you haven’t been able to fully heal after your partner’s betrayal and continuing in the relationship as it is now is causing you continual pain and distress. Making matters worse, he’s not responding to you in a way that repairs trust. It makes perfect sense that you would be questioning whether it’s time to move on, but it’s not an easy decision. I wonder if sharing this podcast with him could help him understand how you feel and what you need from him: https://www.growingself.com/repair-trust-in-your-relationship/

      Wishing you healing and happiness xoxo Dr. Lisa

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