Even if, in your heart of hearts, you know that the relationship had issues (or was even toxic) it’s very hard to break your attachment bond! We don’t flip off our feelings for someone we loved like turning out a light. It’s possible to miss an ex who was very bad for you, who didn’t treat you well, or who you were just incompatible with.

That’s why it’s so important to get clear about your motivations when you’re thinking about getting back with your ex. Here are some common subconscious motivations that are not good reasons to give it another try.

1. Nostalgia for the best parts of the relationship (while forgetting all of the frustrations and disappointments that drove you apart).
2. Being afraid of “ending up alone.”
3. Worrying that you’ll run out of time to have kids.
4. Wanting to win your Ex over so you can feel worthy of love and respect again (good news — you already are!).
5. Feeling lost in your new identity as a single person.
6. Lingering feelings of love or sexual attraction.
7. Anxiety about releasing your attachment.

Do you see yourself in this list? They’re the most common reasons that people want to reunite with an Ex. And none of them offer you a solid foundation for a healthier relationship that actually stands the test of time this time around.

The truth is, most breakups are a good thing… ultimately. In the short-term, they are horrendously painful and tragic. But in the long term, as you release your attachment to your Ex, you’re making space for a better relationship that actually meets your needs. And along the way, you’re going to experience some powerful personal growth that will be yours to keep forever.

But it’s hard to keep your eye on the long-term prize when your heart is aching, right now. Fantasizing about reviving a romance that’s already run its course can be a form of escape from the hard work of grief. This swirl of painful feelings can lead people to cling to an Ex under the guise of “just being friends” (or worse, “friends with benefits”) which makes it difficult for them to heal, grow and move on emotionally. Similarly, I’ve seen couples spend way too long breaking up and getting back together, over and over, until someone wisely calls it quits for the last time. 

Don’t let your idle fantasies about your old relationship turn into a situation like that!

When Getting Back with An Ex Makes Sense

But, it is also true that there are some situations where giving it another shot with your Ex actually makes a lot of sense. sometimes couples DO successfully get back together after taking a break, and can go on to have a positive new chapter in their relationship with each other. In these cases, the separation was a catalyst of personal growth for both of them. It helped them make positive changes in themselves, which allowed them to have a better relationship with each other. 

It’s also true that some former partners CAN go on to have grand friendships with each other that they describe as being even better and more fulfilling than their romantic relationship ever was. 

So how do you know whether or not you should trust those feelings that are making you wonder if you should get back with your Ex? Or stay friends with your Ex? And how do you know when those feelings are keeping you stuck in an unhealthy attachment, or leading you into another round of eventual broken-hearted misery?

5 Questions to Ask Before Getting Back with Your Ex

If you’re considering getting back together with your Ex, here are five questions to ask yourself first.

1. What went wrong? 

If you don’t understand why your relationship failed the first time, you’re very likely to repeat the same patterns yet again. Take some time to explore what happened, and especially your own role in the relationship’s downfall. Even if your Ex is mostly “to blame,” I promise you have a role, even if it’s just tolerating things you shouldn’t have tolerated. Once you see how you contributed to the breakup, you have become empowered to create positive change.

And sometimes, no one is really to blame. Maybe the breakup was circumstantial, like when one partner has to move away for work. Or, maybe you started dating when one of you was recently out of a relationship, and you needed to take a time out to allow space for healing and growth. In cases like these, you really might get a different outcome if you try again under better circumstances.

But most of the time, problems in the relationship itself are what cause the breakup, and both partners play a role. If you and your ex are both able to identify where you made mistakes, that’s a green flag.  

2. What’s different this time around? 

Identifying what went wrong is the first step, but then you need to explore what will be actually different if you give it another shot. Has your ex taken the opportunity to learn and grow during your time apart? Have you? 

If you both just “move past” the past without making a new plan for your relationship, it’s probably not going to work out. You’ll very quickly find yourselves back in the same relationship once again, and you’ll likely go through yet another breakup. So have a conversation about what you would both like to be different this time and the relationship you envision with each other, and then talk about how you’re going to make that vision a reality.

3. What’s motivating you? 

Sometimes people want to get back together with an ex because it was a fundamentally healthy relationship that just didn’t work out and deserves another shot. Other times, the relationship was not so healthy, but they’re feeling sad about the breakup and missing their ex, or they’re afraid they won’t find a better relationship. 

It’s normal to miss your ex, even if the relationship needed to end. It’s also normal to have some anxiety about being alone. Neither of these are signs that you should get back together.  

4. What’s motivating your ex? 

Why does your ex want to get back together? If it’s to avoid the pain of heartbreak, loneliness, or the uncertainty of being back on the dating market, then the bliss of reconnection will be short-lived! Make sure you under stand where they’re coming from and why they want to get back together with you.  

5. Are you both walking the walk? 

It’s easy to make promises when you’re missing someone, but following through is what counts. As you start talking to your ex again, are their words matching their actions? Can you see them taking steps to create positive change, like going to therapy, or being more communicative?

Ask yourself the same question. Are you working toward your own personal growth, or are you showing up in the same way you did the last time around? 

Healing Your Heart and Moving Forward

Whether you get back with your Ex or not, this is a time for healing your heart and moving forward with your life. I hope that you’ll take this opportunity to know yourself more deeply, develop your own internal wisdom, and move forward into a positive new chapter — whether that’s with your Ex or not.

And if you would like support along the way, I invite you to schedule a free consultation.

With love,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

P.S. — If you’re still on the fence, I have more articles and podcast episodes about whether to stay or go, just for you! You can find them in my relationship clarity collection. I hope you’ll take advantage of these free resources.

Sources

1. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3924753/
2. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11374747/
3. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12183886/