Getting Back With an Ex

[Intro song: Nothing to Hide by Allah-Las]

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: Anyone going through a hard breakup, or divorce has gone through this horrible purgatory stage of ending a relationship where you’re not together, but it is definitely not over emotionally. And this is such a confusing place, you might be questioning yourself—did you make the right choice? Thinking about maybe getting back together with an ex and trying to figure out if that’s possible, or maybe just trying to figure out if you can be friends with your ex, and what that might look like. 

These boundaries can get very weird, and it’s just an incredibly confusing time. And this is often true anytime a relationship ends, but in my experience, this ambivalence and desire for connection can be more powerful at certain times of year. For example, around the holidays, many people have memories about their relationship, miss their exes, a little more than usual, can be a triggering time. 

But I think even just in wintertime, in general, there’s less going on, you’re by yourself and your house more. It can really lead you to miss your ex and think about the relationship, and it’s really a vulnerable time. You might be idealizing good parts of the relationship and more prone to thinking about trying to reconnect with your ex. And whether or not that’s a good idea.

It can be so hard to figure out what your truth is, when you’re dealing with these emotions. It can be hard to figure out your truth, that much harder even to figure out your boundaries, right? Can you be friends with your ex? Is reconnecting with your ex possible? If it is, is that a good idea for you? So many big questions. And it’s such a hard space to be in. And I think anybody in this place needs some guidance and support. 

So today, that’s what we’re going to be talking about on our show. And to help you with this. I have asked my colleague Kensington to come on this episode with me and share her advice and perspective with you because she is a real expert on this subject. Thank you Kensington for joining me.

Kensington: Yeah. Thank you so much for having me, Lisa.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: Yeah. Well, I’m so glad we’re talking about this, particularly with your expertise. I mean, of all, there are many people on our team, obviously here at Growing Self who do a lot of coaching with people going through divorce and breakup recovery kinds of work. But you also have a ton of experience — when you were getting your degree in marriage and family therapy at BYU, you ran a group for people working through breakups. Here at Growing Self, you lead our online breakup support group. And so every week, you’re talking to people just in the trenches of this experience. And I know that you have so much insight to share, you’ve written blog posts at growingself.com on this topic. 

Maybe we can just open this up — I’d love to hear your thoughts about how, I guess, common it is for people like, particularly in those beginning stages of a breakup, to be grappling with these kinds of feelings and ambivalence about the relationship, even after it’s officially over. Do you hear that a lot? 

Kensington: Yeah, that’s a great question, Lisa. And I would say almost everyone is grappling with that. I think, after someone who’s been such a significant part of your life is no longer in your life in that same way, it’s really normal to go through grief. Right? It’s normal to miss that person and that friendship. And so I think it’s really natural to be grappling with these kinds of questions.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: Yeah. And that, I think, I think what’s so confusing for people is that those kinds of feelings can come up, you know, that when, when an attachment bond is ruptured, we have these feelings, we have this grief, we miss people, whether or not it was a good relationship. 

Kensington: Absolutely, and I will say that’s one of the things that I’ve seen my clients find the most confusing is that, they can look back and even if it was, worst case scenario, a really unhealthy toxic relationship. They’ll still find themselves missing that person and, missing all of the good parts, but also missing just having someone around to share their life with. 

So, I think that it can be really confusing to hold both like, “I know this relationship wasn’t right for me.” And also, “I really miss this person,” and holding both of those things at the same time.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: Yeah, that it’s like that head versus heart kind of split. Like, intellectually, I know that this person was not good for me, it wasn’t going to end well, but I just can’t help myself. I think about them all the time. They miss them. Yeah. Yeah. So, and I think I think the hard part, and the confounding part is that sometimes relationships do go through ups and downs and relationships. 

People take a break, and then do actually wind up reconnecting and getting back together again. And I think many times when people are having these feelings of like missing someone, they take that as, “because I feel this way, I should try to reconnect with my ex.”

Kensington: Yeah. And I think that, you know, I think that there are absolutely situations where you should think about maybe getting back together and explore that option. But I think that there’s, there’s other reasons at play, aside from just missing your partner, right? 

I think, kind of like we said, really, no matter, no matter how good or bad the relationship was, you’re going to go through that grief process. And so the grief and the missing that person, on its own, maybe isn’t a good enough reason to get back together with somebody. But, certainly sometimes there are good reasons to explore that possibility.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: Well, if you could, let’s just start right there. And I mean, now, this is a podcast episode, and I know that you spend many, many, many sessions and groups like helping people work, work through these and like, you know, find their own truth. But, but I am curious, like, just for the benefit of our listeners, what, what would let me ask a better question like, what, what would you advise? 

What kind of questions would you even ask somebody to sort of help them sort through that and figure out what to listen to somebody who, mixed bag of a relationship, but they still really miss this person. How do you help them get that clarity around? Are these just like normal feelings of missing somebody that everybody has, and you should still keep moving away? Or when is this a sign that you should? Maybe try to reconnect somehow?

Kensington: Yeah, that’s a great question. And I think that one of the first, when I’m talking about this with clients, one of the first places where we start is—why did the relationship end? And I think, in that question, sometimes I’ll get just kind of the official reason for the breakup from clients. 

But a lot of the time there’s, there’s more to the story than just whatever the official reason was that you share with family and friends that you decided on together. So really going through all of those reasons why your relationship really just wasn’t working, and wasn’t fulfilling, your needs and your partner’s needs. 

I think that that’s a really important place to explore, because it can help you figure out okay, are those things changeable, and resolvable? Or if they’re not changeable and resolvable, are they things that maybe are okay to accept about the person and about the relationship.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Like, what was the relationship actually, like, for you? Yeah. And kind of digging into that a little bit to help people, just the experience the reality. Now, but there’s, okay, let me ask you this. Because many times when a relationship ends, it’s, it’s kind of one person that’s like, “I don’t want to do this anymore.” 

That person has often had the opportunity to work through some things prior to that, like they’ve kind of been disconnecting for a while, whether or not their partner knew that — which is awful. But have you found it different for partners who were broken up with, and maybe even like, surprised that the relationship ended? Do they sort of miss the relationship in a different way, then people who were the ones who initiated the breakup or divorce, and who also can still really miss their partner and second guess themselves at how do you experience that differently?

Kensington: Yeah, that’s a great question. And so I think that there are no hard and fast rules, but what I’ve seen most of the time is that, the partner who maybe initiated the end of the relationship, kind of like you’ve said they’ve, they’ve had some time to disconnect emotionally. Right. 

They’ve had the time to kind of weigh in their mind, “Okay, what am I going to be giving up? Am I sure I want to do this?” And so then the partner who, you know, wasn’t their choice for the relationship and often gets stuck doing that kind of work after the relationship is already over. Yeah. So having to go back and figure out how to disconnect from an attachment that for them is still very real and very much there. 

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: It’s so hard. 

Kensington: Absolutely. Yeah.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: Yeah. Because then, they, I think when somebody kind of like works through it, and sort of eases themselves out of a relationship emotionally, like before it officially ends, even though they can have some regrets. I want to just honor what a difficult situation that is for people who are going through that, just like ruptured attachment, and like just the panic. 

I mean, that like physiologically based like, attachment, withdrawal that goes along with that, and then also having to kind of sort through what their relationship was like for them, because you idealize a relationship when you’re in that, that space.

Kensington: Yeah, no, it, it’s so hard. And, not to, not to plug the group too much. But I think that’s, that’s what you know, is so I’ve seen be really helpful about the breakup group that I run is just helping people connect with others who are going through that attachment, withdrawal, and that really painful, painful place that sometimes your family or your friends just, they see all the reasons why the relationship wasn’t working, but they’re not going through that actual attachment withdrawal themselves.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: Yeah. Okay, well, then, and I, we are not here to make an infomercial for the group for sure. But I am curious, what, how do you experience the way that group members respond to each other, that is different than what somebody is friends or family makes it. 

Because it’s really easy, like when you’re not in that place, and you see somebody who’s like really suffering with this attachment, loss, and just the pain of that, but like, your friend can say that, “He was not nice to you. He was mean to you. I saw it, he cheated on you,” like, reminding friends have all these things, but the person is going through it is like, “You don’t understand.” Right? 

So what, what do you see that’s different with the people in the group? Like, did they also say now that, “He was actually really mean to you,” or are they like, what’s the difference?

Kensington: Yeah, great question. So I think, really, what, what feels to me, like, the biggest difference is just empathy. Right? Because they’re, they’re able to still provide that feedback to each other around, like, what, “These are all the reasons why this relationship wasn’t right for you, right? These are all the reasons why it needed to end.” But also have that really deep sense of empathy for, all of that is true. 

Also, this is really painful and really hard and you’re not crazy or messed up or broken. For, for being in pain, about the loss of something that, that may be ultimately wasn’t in your best interest.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: Yeah, yeah, I could hear that, like coming from somebody who knows what that pain feels like and struggling with that own attachment. Like it just lands differently because of that empathy. That’s, that’s a good point. Okay, well, such a confusing time. 

But just, just to have that message that that that pain, that longing has, oftentimes is not an indicator of how healthy or good that relationship was, it means that you’re going through that, that emotional separation thing, which is which is different. But now, let’s let’s talk about the other piece of this. Because while somebody is going through that emotional phase of like, missing someone, longing for contact, that’s part of it. 

Sometimes what I have seen is like, people wanting to be friends with their ex, right? can sometimes be a manifestation of like, wanting to stay connected. It’s almost like that, that bargaining phase like, “I’m maintaining my connection to this person.” And if the person is in a lot of pain and missing someone, sometimes it can be like, “Because if we’re friends, I might have an opportunity. And if we’re hanging out sooner or later, we’re gonna fall into bed again.” 

So there’s like a little bit of a hidden agenda there. So, the question for you is, in your experience, to what degree is that like, usually what’s happening when somebody wants to be friends with their ex? Or have you also seen someone who is in that space of longing really shift into having an actual legitimate friendship with an ex? That’s just maintaining good parts of the attachment, but releasing the attachment to the romantic relationship? 

Have you seen that work?

Kensington: Yeah, that’s a great question. So I think, again, like for all of these questions, there’s not like a hard and fast like, “Absolutely, yes” or “Absolutely, no.” But I will say, I think if you’re still in that phase, where you feel this longing for closeness and attachment to somebody, it’s really, really hard to then shift into that friends only mindset. It also kind of depends on what, what friends means to you. Right?

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: Kensington just made air quotes, to those of you who are not watching the video right now. What “friends” mean. Yeah.

Kensington: Yeah. I think that there, obviously, there’s situations where you’re going to still need to be acquaintances, or friendly with your ex, right? 

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: Co-parenting. 

Kensington: Co-parenting, right? Or sharing a pet.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: Working together.

Kensington: Absolutely, yeah. And so, I think that it’s, when I, when I hear my clients say they want to be friends with their ex, there’s lots of questions that come up from me, but one of the first ones is, “Okay, well, what does? What does friendship mean to you? Like, what? You know, are you looking for a best friend where it’s still, feels like the relationship? Just minus a few things? Or, are we talking more of like, being acquaintances, but being like, cordial and friendly when you see each other?”

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: Yeah, yeah. Well, what I, what I think I’m hearing is that you’re spending a lot of time helping people get real clear about what those boundaries are, and like, a different picture of, like, a very different kind of relationship.

Kensington: Absolutely. And I think,  it’s also, it’s also important for people to evaluate really like, why they want that connection with that person, right? Does it feel like there’s, there’s something that that person can still add to your life, and you can add to their life in some way, that’s not going to limit you in terms of, moving on and creating romantic connections with people? 

Or, is it really like, if you’re really honest with yourself, is it really about just trying to hold on to that attachment, that you’re losing in any way that you can, even if it’s not in your own best interest?

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: That’s a great point. Is it? Is it a way of trying to prevent pain? Is it like methadone? 

Kensington: Right! Yeah, pretty much. 

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: Yeah, yeah. Well, okay, a couple other other things related to this. One thing that I know both of us have experienced around this, is that it can be super hard for somebody who’s like really, in that pain place, and like suffering, when their ex may want to be trying to air quote, be friends. 

But sometimes for different reasons. Like, in my experience, sometimes a person who has initiated a breakup will feel guilty about that. And like, “Oh, we can be friends.” And, or, and this is much less charitable. But I think it’s also true that the person that initiated the break up, it’s pretty sure that they don’t want to like be in a capital R relationship like this is not my person, but it’s Saturday and I don’t have anything better to do. 

So do you want to, like come over and hang out and like, kind of like meeting their own needs through this friendship, that the person on the other side who’s going through this attachment withdrawal is super vulnerable? And like, it’s hard to set boundaries? And like, can you speak a little bit to that and what you’ve seen because I think that that is just this layer of complexity, like somebody is minding their own business and then they get that text from their ex and they’re like, “What’s up? You want to come over?” 

You know, like that thing?

Kensington: Absolutely, no, that’s, that’s a great question. And I think that this is something that I see a lot. And this is, it’s really hard when someone has decided, “You know what? The best thing for me right now is to not really have a connection with this person while I’m healing and trying to move on.” But then the other side is still reaching out to them and trying to maintain that connection. 

That’s where I think you’ve got to get really clear about your boundaries and really be comfortable advocating for yourself. So, in my work with clients, going through the end of a relationship, we talk a lot about self-compassion. And one of the pieces of self-compassion is really learning to advocate for yourself. Almost being like your own big brother, big sister, parents, to really have your own back. 

I think that this is one of those situations. And it’s not easy, and it helps if you can have supportive people to talk through this with but really important to have your own back. Yeah, and set some of those boundaries. But it is so, so hard, especially when you’re still you’re grappling with missing this attachment so much hard to say no to it.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: Oh, that’s great advice, Kensington, that to have your own, own back. But also, do just want to acknowledge how difficult it is to come to that clarity. Like for yourself to say, this is not good for me then. So I need to not do this with you. Because that emotional part is like, “Yes, this is exactly what I want to be doing.” That is I mean, and that doesn’t happen overnight. That’s a journey.

Kensington: Oh, no, yeah. And I think, with all of these things that we’re talking about today, like I, I really never see anyone who like, we talk about it once, and then they do it perfectly from here on out. It’s a process. And it’s a journey. And that’s part of why, you know, the self compassion piece is so important, because it’s so crucial to be gentle with yourself as you’re trying to navigate. 

You know, setting boundaries and creating new skills and doing what’s best for you.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: Yeah, yeah. Well, and I’m just thinking too that I think people have to, like, go around that merry go round. Sometimes it’s almost like, like drinking way too much and having a horrible hangover. And then okay, I can’t do that anymore. And then you do it again, you’re like, “Yeah, I can’t do that anymore.” 

You have to sometimes that, that old idea that relapse is part of recovery is just like noticing how you feel after you have contact with this person. And on that note, okay, this is a question that comes up all the time, I’m sure comes up all the time for you. But that idea around staying connected on social media, because that’s a different order of friendship, right, but can be incredibly difficult and triggering for people. 

So and that’s, that’s sort of a level of friendship in the sense of maintaining a connection. What have you seen as being the impact of that social media connection? Or? And how do you help people grapple with that very real aspect of our lives?

Kensington: Yeah, that’s a great question. I think, first of all, yes, I see this all the time. And I think, again, there’s no like, hard or fast rule about what you have to do. But what I’ve seen a lot of the time is that social media can almost act like, man, it’s like really, when you’re in recovery from a substance abuse, you know, disorder, right? And every so often, you get, like, sent like a little hit.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: The vodka ad.

Kensington: Yeah, absolutely. It’s a similar situation, when you are just scrolling on social media, minding your own business, right? Like, trying to have your own back and like, do all these great things, and boom! All of a sudden, you see this picture of your ex doing something and it, it puts you into this headspace that you’ve been working so hard to get out of. 

I think that’s one of the reasons by a lot of my clients will choose as a way to continue having your own back to either disconnect on social media from this person, or at the very least, maybe mute them, right, so maybe you’re not unfollowing each other but you’re not seeing their stuff anymore, or even blocking them. Right? 

That can sound extreme, but I think that it’s really, it can be really, really helpful so that you’re not constantly getting these extra triggers.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: Yeah. And I think I think what I’m hearing you say, in between the lines, as we’re talking about all of this, too, it’s like that, perhaps part of getting that clarity around, that basic question, “Is it actually healthy for me to try to have a friendship with like, a real friendship with this person? Or is it healthy for me to try to reconnect with this person?” 

I think what I’m hearing you say it’s like, you have to lower the the static, the noise, like the emotional storm and triggering in order to kind of connect with your authentic feelings to think about the relationship in a more — I hate to use this word, but I don’t know what other words to use — like a rational sense. It’s like, but all the social media stuff and the, like, it contributes to the emotional confusion that.

Kensington: Absolutely. Yes. Yeah, I think that there’s just there. Anything you can do to minimize the triggers and the bombardment, that’s going to just like really hurt and kind of, yeah, I guess trigger like this, this attachment pain over and over again. 

Anything you can do to limit that is going to help you just feel a little bit more clarity about, “Okay, how much of this is just me going through the attachment withdrawal process? And, and how much of this is maybe something else that I should work through?”

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: Yeah. Well, let’s talk about that piece. Yeah. So I think we’ve, we’ve been talking about how, when you’re in pain, that is the hope that is the fantasy that, “This is all a terrible mistake, they’re going to realize they love me, and everything’s gonna be different, we’re gonna get back together.” Like, that’s, that’s the fantasy that pain is telling us, right? 

That needs to be worked through, or, but there are also cases where people work through and really in a healthy, sort of rational way, reconsider their relationship. And there are actually opportunities to try again. Can you talk us through what you’ve seen that look like, when it is actually legitimately healthy and positive for everybody involved? Like, why would, why would a breakup even occur in the first place? If that were true? 

Kensington: Yeah, great, great question, Lisa. So I think, one thing that I’ve seen a lot of the time is that a breakup will occur when, when both people are just really not in a place to be the their best selves, right. And then, after taking some time apart, and both going to therapy or doing other kinds of personal growth activities, really become in a better place and more able to step into their best selves and be their best self for a new relationship.

Then, it can be a great idea to reconsider getting back together with somebody. So that’s, that’s one situation where I’ve seen that really work that I would say, like, the biggest caveat is that some of this is out of your control. True, and you can only control yourself and the personal growth that you do. But ultimately, you deserve to be with a partner who is also working on themselves, and who wants to bring their best self to the relationship. 

If you see them working on themselves, again, whether that’s through like, self help stuff, therapy, coaching, whatever it is, right? Those can all be great signs that they are taking personal growth seriously, and it could be a good idea to maybe just reconsider when reentering the relationship, if you like.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: Yeah, well, that sounds like a process in itself. I mean, I’m sure you’ve worked with people who are reconsidering, but I mean, even just that word implies, like a lot of thoughtfulness. It’s not like you, you go out, you go out for drinks and your hookup and now you’re back together again. So not that. What does this reconsidering involve, from your perspective, when people are really being intentional about it?

Kensington: Yeah, I think it you know, it involves, obviously, like a lot of personal growth on the side of each person, but a lot of conversations with each other. So spending time together kind of testing the waters to see if, if things really could be different, maybe going and talking with a relationship counselor together. But really taking it slow, I think is one of the biggest things here, right? 

Where we’re not immediately just jumping back into bed together, right? But, but really trying to be mindful and intentional about, okay, these are the things that were our issues before. Like, this is what I’ve tried to do to work on these things. This is what you’ve tried to do to work on these things. But kind of test out some of these dynamics and see where we’re at.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: Yeah, yeah, I’m thinking right now, this wonderful article that you wrote for our blog, I think it was stages of getting back together, I believe was the title. And in it, I think you, you talked about what I thought was just such a great point, which was—what’s going to be different this time around? And like, why would it be different, right? And that can be hard to figure out. 

Because I think sometimes people want things to be different in terms of the way they relate or communicate. And they also have intentions that it will be different. Yeah. But there’s almost like, what, what would literally have changed that we make it be different? And so for somebody who’s in that space, what would be your recommendations of like, things, things to look for, like, if say, communication was a problem, or emotional invalidation, or even trust can be an ongoing problem, right? 

What would be actual signs that something has changed, versus somebody telling you that they intend for it to be different? That’s a big question. And I hope that’s not too much.

Kensington: Great question. Yeah. I mean, I think that this is where, again, if you and this person have had some conversations and talks about, “I’ve changed in these ways, and this is my plan on how I want to do things differently.” This is where like, the taking it slow, and getting to know each other again, process becomes really important. 

If it’s emotional invalidation, for example, that was really hard in the relationship trying to set time on a regular basis to even just talk about your day or talk about something hard that happened recently, and, and see, right? Like, does this conversation feel different from how you feel in the past? 

I think that those actually seeing some behavioral changes, and maybe it’s not going to be perfect every time. But then, you know, like, like seeing some of those efforts to make those changes, I think, I think those can be really good.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby : Yeah. Well, this, this is my own nerdy way of saying it, but you’re talking about observational data. Yeah, like I like, okay, so we have like a pond, it’s sort of covered with ice. And I’m going to walk out on this four inches with you and see if that holds. And if it does, then we’ll go a little bit further. But you’re saying that when going slow, it’s how does this feel? Is this different? 

Can I trust, right, that this is going to be the relationship that I want it to be this time? But I also think too, that personal responsibility, like what, who am I as time around? Is that the right way to say it?

Kensington: Absolutely, yeah, I think that, you know, and it’s almost like getting to know, and a new person where, you know, if you’re entering a new relationship, you know, if you’re trying to be intentional about it, and you’re gonna take it slow, and get to know each other and, you know, be looking out for red flags, but also green flags and signs that things are going well.

I think it’s the same when considering getting back together with an ex, right? I think, again, since we have a history, it’s so tempting to just like, jump right back in and pick up where we left off. But if we want to create a new pattern, it can really require going slow and being deliberate, trying new patterns, seeing if they work, right? And looking for all of those signs that like you said this really would be different.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: Yeah. Yeah, got it. Yeah. Well, it’s just that, that same idea, that having an attachment bond to somebody is not the same thing as having a healthy relationship to somebody and that’s something that you need to create on a different level. 

So related to that, and again, this may be too hard of a question, because I’m sure it looks different with every client that you’ve ever had in some ways, but would, can you identify any sort of patterns or themes, like when you’ve worked with clients who have done work on themselves, and maybe after a separation, and then go back into a previous relationship, or even a new relationship for that matter. 

What have you noticed being the most important things for people to be gaining self awareness around in terms of their own patterns? Emotional intelligence, reactivity, ways of relating to other people that you’ve seen being key to having a different outcome when they go back in again, because the personal responsibility piece is so important, right? What have you seen?

Kensington: Absolutely. So I think one of the big pieces of self awareness that I’ve seen be really helpful for people is understanding their attachment style, and how that comes out when they relate to other people. And so I think, just understanding that, and then being cognizant of, “Okay, what’s coming up for me in this interaction with this new person? And, how can I respond deliberately, instead of just reacting,” right? That can be  a great, like, really tangible place for people to start.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: If we could stay there for a minute, just just for the benefit of our listeners who may not be really, or maybe have heard the term attachment styles, but don’t really know what that means. What can you say a little bit more about what, what you’re talking about there?

Kensington: Yeah, absolutely. So, you know, attachment theory, talks about really like, what we, what we need in a relationship in order to feel safe, and how we respond to closeness and other people. And so there’s, and I’ll let people do some of their own research. But there’s, there’s a few different main categories of attachment type. 

There’s a secure attachment, which is what we’re all working toward. There is an anxious attachment, which means that we tend to really desire that closeness with others and feel really nervous and be reactive, when we feel like we’re not getting that from someone else. And a more avoidant attachment style, where kind of that vulnerability or closeness in a relationship feels really scary, and can react based off of that. 

That’s, that’s just like a very brief overview. But really, I’ve seen for people to understand what some of their tendencies are, with how they attach in romantic relationships. I’ve seen that be really transformational and how they, then attach to new partners moving forward.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: Definitely, it’s easy to say, “Okay, I know that I tend to feel really nervous when somebody isn’t like, calling me every day or texting me at certain times. And then I tend to get angry and lash out,” and just like, knowing that, “Okay, this is what I do.” And then developing ways of managing those feelings can really change outcomes in a relationship and so that to have a different experience.

If you’re getting back with an ex, that’s going to be something important to think about inside of yourself, as well as maybe your exes and whether they’ve done work on that area. Are there other things or that you’ve seen being important for people?

Kensington: Yeah, absolutely. So yeah, I was — the attachment styles is a big one. I think another one that I’ve seen be really important is just emotional intelligence. So being able — one of the really important pieces of a relationship is emotional intimacy and closeness, and that involves being able to talk about our feelings. 

Really, in order to talk about our feelings, we have to know what they are. And so gaining kind of this emotional intelligence piece around “Okay, what are the feelings that I’m experiencing on a regular basis? Where do I feel them in my body? How do I experience them? What are their names?” Right? That can be really, really important work to then be able to share that with other people.

But also create new patterns around okay, well, when anger comes up for me, I can know, because of X, Y, and Z, and here are some things that I know that I can do to help me with my anger, so that I’m expressing it in an appropriate way, instead of lashing out against my partner.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: Yeah. Okay. So attachment styles, emotional intelligence work. I mean, that’s a lot right there.

Kensington: Absolutely.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: Yeah. Is there anything else? Are those the biggest ones? Would you say?

Kensington: I think the, I mean, some of the two main ones coming to mind for me, and I think that you could certainly spend several months or even years, right? Like working on those in yourself. But I think that, yeah, for most clients, those are two good places to start.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: Yeah, definitely. Well, and this is so helpful, because this is a very, like, concrete, tangible thing. And I think my takeaway from this is that if you want to get back with an ex, and if it is going to be a positive and better experience for both of you, the work that you’re describing needs to have happened or, or that there is a plan to maybe do some of that together, like through couples counseling. 

But unless there’s that real reflection on your part, and your partner’s part, it’s probably not going to feel that different, even if you do get back together again, right?

Kensington: Absolutely. I think that, again, when two people get back together, and I heard this so many times, they have the best of intentions, and there’s so many promises made around, “We’re going to do things differently. And I’m not going to do this anymore.” And I think that those promises are wonderful. And, I believe that for most people, they’re coming from a good place, and they’re genuine. 

But if there’s not some of that work, both like the insight based work, as well as the behavioral change, work to support those promises, even the most well-intentioned people are going to fall back into old patterns, not because they want to do that necessarily, but just because patterns are really hard to break out.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: They are, they’re comfy, they’re strong, they happen automatically, without anybody even noticing it takes a lot of intention to break out of them. Is that what you think is happening when you see, like partners, breaking up and then getting back together again, and breaking up? Is that what’s going on? Is that people like want to be together, but they haven’t done the work on these old patterns?

Kensington: Yeah, yeah, great question. So I think, yeah, nine times out of 10. I think that’s what’s going on. And, again, it’s all good intentions, and people wanting to do better and be their best selves. But it’s really hard to do that when there’s some underlying things that haven’t haven’t been addressed, such as patterns or not knowing your attachment style.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: So much good stuff, Kensington. You share just so much fantastic information with us today. I’m so grateful. And I’m sure our listeners are to people who are struggling with just the enormity of all this. Any, any last words that you might have for them? I know you spend a lot of time with people who are in this emotional place, but what do you want them to know?

Kensington: Yeah, I think first, first and foremost, just know that you’re not going crazy. And you’re not alone! I think that going through the end of a relationship is such an isolating experience, and especially if the people who we’re sharing with again, is, well-intentioned as they are, just either haven’t been there, it’s been a really long time since they’ve been there. 

There can be some pretty invalidating things that are set. And really if, if there’s anything that I’ve seen from my work in this area is that, this intense missing of this person. Even if, again, even if, you know it wasn’t a great relationship and it needed to end. You’re, you’re really not going crazy, like it’s normal. It has an explanation, and I know that so many of your podcasts listen. In your book, EXaholics, you talked about the biological component of losing that attachment.

I think that understanding that is really helpful for people. So yeah, you’re not alone. And, all of your feelings have a very rational explanation.

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: Yeah. That’s, that’s such a nice note to end on that it’s legitimate. It is normal. There’s nothing wrong with you. Yeah, and that, that people do understand. Well, thank you again for sharing your understanding today, Kensington. This is wonderful.

Kensington: Thank you so much for having me Lisa.

[Outro song: Nothing to Hide by Allah-Las]