Why do you want to get back with your ex?

Lisa Marie Bobby:

Is it a mistake to get back together with your ex? I am going to teach you the four essential questions  that will give you clarity about whether or not  this relationship has a bright new chapter ahead,  or if  you’re about to get on the on ramp to disaster.   I’m  Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist, a licensed psychologist, and I’m a board certified coach.

 And it’s my mission to help  growth oriented people like you do the work to create love,     happiness, and success in your life, because you deserve that.     So let’s dive right into our topic today with the first and most important question. Is it always a mistake to get back together with your ex? And I’ll just tell you right now,   no, it  is absolutely not always a mistake.

to understand why that’s true. First,   you have to understand why do people break up in the first place.  And that, my friend, goes into cycles of   rupture and repair in relationships.   Let’s talk first about   rupture.  In every relationship, couples experience rough patches, times when things feel difficult.

 There is a  growth moment.  Either couples do this work successfully, but if they can’t, it can get to a point where things feel so hard, it calls into question whether or not the relationship is sustainable. In order for things to work, something will need to change. And people move into this mental and emotional cycle.

space where they begin to wonder, are we fundamentally compatible? Can this get better? In this space? Sometimes people will get involved with   couples counseling or relationship coaching with someone like me.  And if there’s a lot of negativity in a relationship or if the path forward is not clear,   many times people will separate or break up.

 Which is completely understandable if nobody’s having a good time, right? And especially if there’s not a clear path forward, people lose hope in the relationship. What’s really important to understand is that  people break up because they don’t believe that meaningful change is possible. They might not want the relationship to be over.

They want the relationship to be better.  but they don’t see a clear path for how that could happen. So a breakup is the final solution to a relationship problem, but that doesn’t change your attachment. And it’s also true that  if hope is restored and new potential for positive change emerges,  it can bring forth a positive new chapter in a relationship.

But not always. And  that’s why so crucial to know the four essential questions you have to be asking yourself before you even think about getting back together with your ex,   especially if you’ve been getting close to them again, those old feelings are coming back. You’re starting to feel more hopeful.

It’s really important that you are using a excellent critical thinking skills so that you are not getting back into a bad situation. Because it’s also really important to know what happens during a breakup or a separation mentally, emotionally, psychologically, which is that once people have a little bit of space, everybody calms down.

We’re not fighting all the time. We put a stop to that day to day negativity that really makes it difficult to repair. a relationship,   a new door opens  where you start thinking about things differently. This can be really positive. This is where that repair can come from. Sometimes people start to feel more motivated and have this desire to work on things with their partner.

They’re ready to learn. They’re ready to grow and do the work that will really change a relationship. And if both of you are willing to do this, you can absolutely have a better relationship than ever before. It is a thousand percent possible. That’s the  rupture and  the repair, the reconciliation.   But it’s also super important for you to know that there are major risks involved.

And vulnerabilities at this moment too. For example, it’s really normal when you’re going through a breakup or a divorce at some point to be reconnecting with positive memories, the loving feelings, and thinking about all the good times. Easy to idealize an X, right? And if you don’t use some really solid strategies, like the ones I’ll be teaching you about today, these feelings could lead you astray and sign you up for another round of the same sad situation, which wastes not just your mental and emotional energy, but really risks wasting potentially years of your life in a relationship that does not have a future.

And nobody wants that. And that is why we are here today so that you learn the four essential questions that you must know.

to be asking yourself and your partner before you even think about making a move and getting back in that saddle again. First of all, why did we break up? Sounds like a simple question. It’s really not. I’ll explain why. Secondly, what has changed since we broke up? And not just our realities, but internally, what is different about me and you?

So we’re not going to recreate the same crappy experience that broke us up the first time. And then thirdly, how would we know that this new chapter of our relationship is working specifically. Then lastly, and this one is hard, but important is how much time should we give this to find out if we’re on a good trajectory or if we should go ahead and call it for good.

So with each of these different questions, I’m going to be talking you through the solution. Specifics, telling you some things to be thinking about, things to be practicing or doing, talking about, but also giving you the red flags and warning signs to watch out for and pay attention so that you know, is this going in a positive direction or am I getting evidence that this is actually not a good idea?

So first of all, let’s tackle question number one. Why did you break up? And I know this sounds like a ridiculously obvious question and you probably know the answer to this. It’s easy. The superficial answers, right? We broke up because we had a fight. We broke up because there was infidelity or we couldn’t come into alignment around X, Y, Z.

So like there’s all these reasons, but. That’s actually not what I’m talking about. I’m not talking about the event or the specific circumstances, like the day we broke up, this thing happened, not that.  What I want you to be  thinking about goes much deeper into the relational dynamics, the patterns, the real core issue that led one or both of you over time to believe that this was no longer a societal  issue.

  And I just want to say out loud that it can be quite difficult to get visibility into the real why behind what’s going on in a relationship. For example, Most of us have a lot of clarity into what we don’t like about what our partner is doing or not doing, right? But it’s much harder to get visibility into ourselves.

So the relational dynamics that you contributed to your behavior, your patterns, what was the intersection? section between the way you were showing up and the way your partner was responding and vice versa. This is hard to figure out sometimes. So the real question is not just why did we break up based on my perspective?

It also includes why did we break up based on my partner’s perspective? To get your arms around this in a meaningful way, you have to get a big picture, the insight and clarity on what actually happened. And this can be achieved in a number of different ways. One of the easiest ways is by asking your partner what their perceptions of why the relationship ended was and really let that in.

in. This is absolutely vital to do because unless you have that clarity around what was actually happening, you won’t really know why you broke up, meaning what was the source of the problems in the relationship in the first place. And you also won’t have visibility into What needs to be different so that the same thing won’t happen again?

But there is a major red flag right here that you need to know about. If you too can’t have a non reactive conversation about why you broke up, that is reality based. And that incorporates both of your perspectives, so meaning, if you talk about your perceptions of why the breakup happened, what was going on with you, your sense of the dynamics and the underlying issues, and your partner is getting really defensive.

offensive or shutting down or in denial or refusing to have that conversation with you, you shouldn’t move forward and vice versa. If they are trying to tell you how they really felt and what the relationship was like for them and you’re like, no, no, no, that is not what happened. It’s not a good idea to get back together.

on this bus. That said, you still do have a possible path forward. If you run into an obstacle here and you cannot have an authentic conversation about why you broke up that is reality based, you could consider getting involved in it. really good, high quality marriage counseling, couples therapy, or relationship coaching with somebody who really knows what they’re doing.

Keeping in mind that 99 percent of therapists who offer couples counseling do not have specialized education, training, or experience in systems theory, marriage and family therapy. They are individual clinical mental health therapists who have a very different perspective. relationships. It is very easy for this kind of therapist to pathologize one person without fully recognizing how the system works.

So if you do decide to go talk to somebody at this juncture, choose very carefully who it is that you’re going to get help from because Not all therapists are the same. Once you get that insight and clarity around what the problem was, and you’re not encountering major red flags around that, then you can move on to question number two, which is equally important to be thinking about, and that is what Changed what is different and you have to have visibility into this because you need a fair amount of certainty around whether or not those existing problems have been solved or that we are on a good trajectory to making it be different or whether or not history is going to repeat itself.

Trust me on this. And so by asking yourself and your partner, What has changed? What would make this be different? You get clarity in a reality based understanding that you can hang your hat on. One of the most important pieces of this is the growth and learning. That one or both of you has done. For example, how have we each worked on ourselves individually?

How have we reflected on the experiences that we had with each other in the past? How have we developed new insights, skills, strategies that have led us to evolve to the degree that we have grown into the type of people for whom these former vulnerabilities. would no longer be the same type of issue.

And this can go into all kinds of relational dimensions. Maybe you’ve been reflecting on your communication with your partner in the past and how that led to the problems that you both experienced. It was around your teamwork. Maybe you’re taking responsibility in a different way. Maybe you’ve been working on your emotional intelligence and your ability to be more empathetic.

Kind, generous, and loving with your partner. This can look like a lot of different things and obviously will be specific to your relationship. What’s important here is that these questions are eliciting insight and awareness. of specific behaviors as in, I understand now about why you were upset about this thing that was going on in the relationship.

And I’ve been thinking a lot about what was going on for me that way. Also, I’ve been thinking about what I need to do differently going forward so that you and I will both have a better time in this relationship. For example, take the case of someone who has kind of a withdrawn, shut down, avoidant communication style in relationships and that this led to problems in their business.

relationship with our partner that led to problems in the relationship. For example, if their partner would try to talk to them about their feelings or solve problems together, they would become defensive, would minimize the issues, deny there was a problem, or maybe refuse to talk about it at all. And as I’m sure you know, this can become very toxic to relationships.

So when we are thinking about what needs to be different in this conversation, I’ll model for you what a green light looks like, sounds like. feels like so that you know in this situation, someone who has done really good work would be able to say, I understand what happened. I understand now that when we were in conflictual situations, I felt a lot of anxiety about that.

that. I grew up in a family of origin where there was very low conflict. We did like passive aggression. We didn’t talk about things out loud to each other. And I think that that’s what I was doing with you because I didn’t know how else to be. Probably in my own weird way, I was trying to, you know, put a lid on things.

Calm things down, especially when I knew you were upset. It was subconscious. I wasn’t doing it on purpose and I didn’t realize how hurtful it was for you at the time. But what I understand now is that this was incredibly invalidating for you. It made you feel unloved and uncared for and like you couldn’t talk to me.

And that is the last thing in the world I want you to experience. I want you to know I’ve been working on this. I want you to know I heard you and I understand now why this was problematic behavior. And so here’s what I’m planning to do differently in the future. I have been working with my relationship coach on how I’m going to manage this anxiety when it comes up again.

And also I’ve been practicing new communication skills and emotional intelligence skills so that you have a better experience with me. And so I can stay in the ring with you during these. tense moments. So that’s what it should sound like when somebody has a really clear, insightful, and productive conversation with you around what has changed.

But of course, there are some very serious red flags for you to be thinking about and looking for in this moment too. So the red flag is, can we have this conversation without it turning into a fight? An authentic Vulnerable, insightful conversation where you are each taking responsibility, articulating your awareness of how your past behaviors impacted your partner and what you would like to do differently going forward.

Or is if there is a blank space where one or both of you literally does not have insight or visibility or has done the work to find out. What is different now? If you can’t answer that question with clarity, you shouldn’t move forward into this relationship again, because you are highly likely to repeat the same sad dynamics that led to a breakup in the first place.

If you can’t answer the question, what’s changed? Nothing is going to be different. Just. Know that, but wait, there’s more. There is yet another question that you need to be asking yourself and your partner before you get back into this here pool. And that is what? Specifically, do we need to do and commit to in order to ensure that we are going to have a good time with each other this time around?

And the key with this question is that you have to get very specific. specific. When you’re answering this question, what you’re doing is both of you listing out the things that you would like to have be different this next time around. And very granularly, some of these May be nice to have some of these may be deal breakers.

And so identify the differences between those two things. But it’s important that you’re at least addressing all of the things that had been feeling hard in your relationship previously. This can go into lots of different directions, how you’d been spending your time, your priorities, boundaries, how you were creating an equitable, balanced partnership.

or not. And certainly things like communication, sex, money, like if this were working, how would we know? What would it look like day to day? What would we each be doing or not doing so that we both feel loved and respected in this relationship? And especially if you have had not so great experiences with each other in the past.

You need to have a high degree of clarity around what must be different in terms of actions and behaviors in order for this to have a happy path going forward. So let me give you some examples of what green lights and red lights look in this conversation. Going back to our original story, this couple where there had been not so helpful communication patterns in the past.

The first person who had maybe been withdrawn previously saying things like, here’s what you can expect from me this time around. When I start to feel anxious and things are getting escalated and outside of my comfort zone, I’m going to say that out loud. I’m starting to feel. And I am going to either try to calm myself down in the moment so that I can stay in the ring with you, or I’m going to ask to take a break.

I’m going to say something like, I need to just calm down, do some like self soothing. I’m going to go take a shower, go on a walk, whatever. I will be back in an hour. Can we resume this conversation? That might be a fantastic strategy. For the person on the other side of this, there might be some different behaviors too.

For example, as I’ve discussed on numerous episodes of the Love, Happiness Success podcast in the past, these relational dynamics are systemic. Typically, when one partner has an avoidant communication style they tend to withdraw, that will frequently elicit a more aggressive or hostile response. other person.

And as you can imagine, this response typically makes the dynamic worse. So on the other side of this, the partner who may have become escalated in the past will also need to be saying things like, when I am noticing that I’m getting activated or agitated. I’m going to be really mindful of my tone and how I’m talking to you because I know that that triggers this avoidant thing that you have going on and that has been a problem for us in the past.

And I’m also going to be really careful around when I might be coming across as angry or critical because I am. I know that that doesn’t help us have emotionally safe conversations, and I want that with you, especially this time around. So those are some examples of the kinds of specifics that a couple needs to be talking about in order to get a lot of clarity around the actions and behaviors that will be involved if they get involved.

Give things another try so that we can do a very good job of answering the next question. Question number four, which is the, when we’ll get into that in just a second, but let’s also talk about the red flags that you could potentially encounter in this situation. If you and, or your partner, your ex partner, Cannot commit to what specifically will be different and create agreements around that.

That is a sign that not enough change has happened or that there’s not enough clarity, accountability, personal responsibility for this to be different. What this needs to look like is both of you sitting down talking about what you will each do. differently and then agreeing to that. So like this actually goes on a written list.

You can write it on a piece of paper, bust out your notes app. I don’t care, but it needs to be written down. And here’s why. Whatever you agree to in this question needs to turn into an action plan that is trackable because that will allow you to answer the next question, which is when. When are we going to decide for sure that we are on a good trajectory or not?

And this is critically important. If you decide to get back together with your ex, you both need to understand that this is provisional. You’ve had a series of conversations around here’s why we broke up. Here’s the insight that we have into this. Here’s what has changed and here is now what we are going to do differently.

And the provisional agreement is that we’re going to try this out for a period of time. Three months is typically plenty of time to find out, are things actually different? Can we do the things that we said that we were going to do? And it’s very important that you are paying attention to this. And I’ll tell you why.

I’ve been a therapist for a while now, and one of the hardest things I see are people who break up, get back together again, only to break up. And then eventually get back together again and just repeat these same patterns over and over. Not only are they feeling bad and obviously often in a state of upsetness or resentment around their relationship, which is draining.

But there’s also a huge opportunity cost. Cycling around through a mediocre to poor relationship that is a waste of everybody’s time is not just wasted time. It’s also a wasted opportunity. If you think about if you were free of that foolio for once and for all, what would you do? What kind of relationship could you be in?

What kind of relationship do you deserve to be in? And being liberated from a relationship that is never going to be what you want and need can set you free and put you on a path to create the kind of love that you really want and deserve. So to protect yourself from this sad, sad, and common, frankly, outcome.

It’s really important that you have a timeline and a lot of clarity on what should be happening. What are the signs that we are on a good trajectory? And this is, in fact, going to be the relationship that I want it to be. Meaning that we’re having check ins with each other. How’s it going? We are pulling that written list back out.

Out and thinking, okay, these are the things we said we were going to do. Is it happening or not? And if not, maybe there is some opportunity for course correction. Because I will tell you that to create real and lasting change, especially in yourself and a relationship, it isn’t an event. You don’t just flip a switch, right?

The way growth really works is that you have a vision, you have a goal, you have clarity about what you want to do, but then you have to practice it. And that practice is not going to happen perfectly all of the time, especially Especially if these ways of being are new for you. So you do have to have some grace and patience with each other and ideally be involved in some productive growth work, either on your own or as a couple to support the positive changes that you are trying to make.

So all of that is very realistic, but at the same time, you don’t want to be open ended slipping back into the same old same old because you’ve been there and you know how that ends. So it’s also okay to have a clear timeline and we said three months and now it’s two and a half months and you know most of the time we’re actually falling back into these old patterns and to at that point call it, say, you know what?

I think you are a great person in so many ways. There are obviously so many things I love and appreciate about you. We have both tried so hard to make this work and I know that we were both trying to show up as our best selves in this next chapter that we experimented with. And as evidenced by our experiences with each other, I don’t think it’s really going to be different and you and I both deserve more.

We both deserve to be happy and I think the right thing for us to do is to part as friends, wish each other the best and move forward fearlessly into a new chapter of freedom to find the love we want and deserve. How does that sound to you? Not that you need their agreement at this moment, but just saying that’s what a civilized conversation could sound like.

And also, if you are considering getting back together with an ex, it is just super vital that you get comfy with the idea that this is provisional and that you’ve done a lot of work to protect yourself. You’ve answered question one, why do we break up? Question two, why What has changed? Question three, what needs to be different?

And then this question four, Is that happening or not? How long are we going to give it? And it’s absolutely okay to call it. I would advise you actually to fail fast. What do I mean when I say fail fast? It means that you get enough evidence to know if this is on a good trajectory or Or not. And as soon as you understand that this is truly not on a good trajectory, it is not going to end well, you go ahead and excuse yourself and not waste your time or their time on trying to make this work.

It’s not good for both of you. And it’s really okay to be done. And I am also super aware that this is a fragile time for a relationship and that you need support if this is going to work. So I have put together some additional resources. to help you. If you come to my website, growingself. com, stay hyphen or hyphen go, you can access a package of free resources that I have put together for you, including a curated podcast playlist on relationship clarity, how to know when to call it quits.

I have podcasts and articles talking about all sorts of different facets of this and also going into the kind of growth work that people really need to do in order to develop themselves and the kinds of ways we’ve been talking about this. In this podcast. Additionally, I am doing a live Q and a on this topic this coming Thursday.

If you happen to be seeing this the week that I released this, these come out on Monday. Join me on Thursday on the socials, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, send me your questions at growingself. com forward slash dear hyphen Lisa. If you’d like to ask a question anonymously. Or just show up, drop your comments in the chat, and I will speak to your situation, your question in the live stream to try and help you get clarity and direction on whether you should get back together with your ex, or if you’re giving it a shot, how to understand some of the experiences that you’re having around, is this a red light or is this a green light?

a green light. So I hope you join me. Additionally, if you go back to that one link, I shared growing self. com, dear hyphen Lisa, you can use that to ask me your question anonymously. And you can also sign up to get notifications, um, reminders around when we’re going live. So you don’t miss it. And you will also get a recap sent to you in case you weren’t able to make it there in person.

I will still answer your question, whether or not you’re there. So I hope those resources are helpful for you. And thank you so much just for joining me today on this episode. And of course, if we can be of assistance to you. to you either individually or as a couple in doing this work. You are always invited to come to growing self and request your free consultation to meet with one of the licensed marriage and family therapists on my team who are real deal relationship experts who have a very positive, productive, action oriented side.

And who can help both of you learn, grow, and make really positive changes, both in yourselves and in your relationship. So that is there for you too, but thank you so much for joining me today. And I’ll be back in touch next week with another episode.