How to Listen Better in Relationships: The Japanese Art of Being a Good Listener

How to Listen Better in Relationships: The Japanese Art of Being a Good Listener

Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, BCC

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is a licensed psychologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified coach, AAMFT clinical supervisor, host of the Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast and founder of Growing Self.

If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “They heard my words, but they didn’t really hear me,” you’re not alone. Many people come to couples counseling feeling frustrated and disconnected, not because they don’t know how to talk, but because they don’t know how to listen in a way that builds understanding. One of the most common communication problems I see as a marriage counselor isn’t silence. It’s the absence of real listening.

That’s why I was so excited to sit down with sociolinguistics researcher Dr. Haru Yamada for a recent episode of the Love, Happiness and Success podcast. Our conversation explored how to listen more deeply, how to be a good listener in relationships, and why listening, not talking, often holds the key to emotional intimacy, conflict repair, and lasting connection.

If you’ve ever wondered how to listen better in your relationship, or why communication keeps breaking down even when you’re trying so hard to explain yourself, this perspective may gently but powerfully shift the way you think about listening.

Why Learning How to Listen Matters More Than We Realize

In Western culture, communication is often framed as self-expression. We focus on choosing the right words, making clear points, and explaining ourselves well. Listening, by contrast, is treated as passive. If you’re quiet while someone else is speaking, you’re listening. Or so we assume.

In reality, knowing how to listen requires effort, intention, and skill.

Haru’s research highlights a crucial cultural distinction. In many Western settings, the responsibility for understanding rests with the speaker. In Japanese culture, however, the responsibility rests more heavily with the listener. The listener actively works to understand not only the words being spoken, but the emotional and relational meaning beneath them.

This difference explains why so many couples feel stuck. They may be communicating constantly, yet still feel unseen, misunderstood, or emotionally alone.

How to Be a Good Listener: Hearing Words vs. Hearing a Person

One of the most important ideas from our conversation is the difference between listening for information and listening for a person.

You can accurately repeat your partner’s words and still leave them feeling unheard. Emotional intimacy doesn’t come from precision alone. It comes from presence. Tone, pacing, silence, emotion, and intention all communicate meaning beyond words.

Haru describes this through the Japanese word kiku, which can be written using different characters. One form represents listening for information. Another represents listening with what she calls “14 hearts,” a way of listening that takes in the full emotional and relational experience of the speaker.

Research supports this distinction. Studies show that high-quality listening strengthens communal bonds and deepens connection in close relationships (Lemay et al., 2023). Other work on active-empathic listening demonstrates that listening is a measurable skill closely tied to emotional sensitivity and relational competence (Gearhart & Bodie, 2011).

When couples struggle, it’s often because one person is listening for facts while the other is longing to be listened to as a human being.

Listening Skills That Support Conflict and Repair

Conflict and repair are unavoidable in relationships. The difference between couples who grow closer and those who drift apart often comes down to how they listen when things feel tense.

When people don’t feel heard, they argue harder to be understood. Defensiveness increases. Communication problems escalate. Repair stalls.

However, when someone feels genuinely listened to, the nervous system begins to settle. The urgency to defend softens. Understanding becomes possible, even when agreement does not.

This is why structured tools, like the solution-focused therapy questions that stop communication breakdown, can be so effective. They slow conversations down and invite listening that creates space for repair rather than reactivity.

Listening well does not mean fixing or correcting your partner’s feelings. Instead, it means staying present, making room, and allowing the other person to fully express themselves without interruption or judgment. That skill alone can change the emotional climate of a relationship.