How to Love Yourself After a Breakup: Repair Your Self Esteem

Listen and Subscribe

Share

How to Love Yourself After a Breakup: Repair Your Self Esteem

Hey, friend. Have you ever looked in the mirror after a breakup or divorce and thought, “What the hell happened to me?” Like your soul got steamrolled by a truck full of emotional baggage? Yeah, me too. And that’s exactly the heartbreak recovery topic we’re diving into today: how to love yourself after a breakup and repair your low self-esteem after breakup pain, especially when you’re feeling like your ex walked off with your dignity and your Spotify premium password.

On this deeply personal episode of the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast, we dive into something that I see over and over again in my work as a therapist and breakup recovery coach: figuring out how to love yourself after a breakup and heal the low self esteem after breakup pain smashes it to pieces. And if you’re here, I have a feeling it’s exactly what your heart needs right now.

I’ll also share some pieces of my comprehensive, step-by-step Heal From Heartbreak Program. In this program, I walk you through all 9 stages of the healing process post-breakup. Including an in-depth module on rebuilding your self esteem and self confidence and learning how to love yourself after a breakup. 

Why Breakups Smash Your Self-Esteem

Whether you were the dumper or the dumpee, breakups hurt. But the injury isn’t just to the relationship — it’s often to your sense of self. We often merge personalities with the one that we love and can lose ourselves in the relationship. After the breakup, this can leave you feeling empty, lost, confused and grasping for the familiarity and comfort of your lost significant other (and lost sense of self). 

You might be replaying every moment, wondering what you did wrong, obsessively checking your ex’s social media, and even fantasizing that maybe, just maybe, they’ve finally changed… for the next person. Cue the spiral.

You’re not alone. And you’re not crazy. You’re just wired for attachment, and when that bond gets ripped away, your brain reacts like it’s a survival crisis. (Because on an evolutionary level, it kinda is.)

The Self-Betrayal Spiral

Here’s where it gets even trickier: in your desperation to win them back (or just feel okay again), you might start doing things that don’t align with your values — texting them at 2am, stalking their new partner online, agreeing to “hang out” when you know it only leaves you hurting.

And when that happens? It’s not just about your ex anymore. You start feeling ashamed of yourself. You ask, “Why did I let this happen?” “Why did I stay so long?” “What’s wrong with me?”

Friend, let me be clear: there is nothing wrong with you. This is part of the grief, the trauma, and yes — the addiction. In this podcast episode, I talk about how that addictive pull toward your ex is rooted in your biology. Yep, love can be addictive. That overwhelming urge to reconnect? It’s a withdrawal symptom, not a sign that they were “The One.”

I go deep into this in the Heal From Heartbreak Program. It’s crucial to learn how to ground yourself, set boundaries, and process your emotions in order to fully heal and move on. That’s why each of these are stages in the Heal From Heartbreak program. You can learn how to love yourself after a breakup. You just need a path and a guide. So let’s walk through some of these steps together.

Healing From Heartbreak Program with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Dr. Lisa - Breakup Expert

Still thinking about your ex?

This is Why…

Healing after a relationship loss happens in stages. If you can’t let go, it means that you’ve gotten stuck somewhere in the process. Let’s break you free.

Take this free, two-minute quiz to discover exactly what stage you need to work through, and what to do next in order to heal, grow, and move forward.

Take The Quiz + Get Your Action Plan

How to Love Yourself After a Breakup

1. Name the Pattern and Take Your Power Back

You’ve been giving your power away — to your ex, to the relationship, to the story in your head. Healing starts when you say: “This is not who I want to be anymore.” If you’re obsessing over your ex, here’s a great article to break that cycle.

2. Recognize the Addiction

That craving for validation from your ex? It’s a dopamine hit. Reframing this connection as an addiction to a toxic relationship is powerful because it helps you stop moralizing your pain and start treating it. You’re not weak. You’re hooked. And recovery is possible.

3. Find Real Support

Don’t do this alone. Shame thrives in isolation. Whether it’s a friend, a therapist, or a breakup recovery support group like the Growth Collective in my Heal From Heartbreak Program, you need people in your corner who won’t judge you for crying over someone who didn’t deserve you.

4. Start Treating Yourself Like Someone You Love

Self-love isn’t bubble baths and chocolate (though those help). It’s extending self-compassion to yourself and then setting boundaries. It’s saying no to crumbs of attention. It’s refusing to check their Instagram, again. You don’t have to feel confident to start — just act like someone who deserves better. (You do.)

Need help getting your groove back? Start with this piece on taking your power back after a breakup.

5. Do Hard Things to Earn Your Respect Back

Self-love also isn’t just about positive affirmations. It’s about doing things that make you proud of who you are. Like blocking their number. Like journaling instead of texting. Like going to the gym instead of driving past their house. Every time you do something aligned with your values, you rebuild your trust in you.

More on that in my article about why therapy alone may not be enough for breakup recovery.

A Guided Path Through Heartbreak

If this all hits home, I created the Heal From Heartbreak Recovery Program for people just like you. Whether you’re replaying the breakup a hundred times a day, trying to figure out how to let go of your ex, or want to learn how to love yourself after a breakup, this self-paced program gives you the tools, structure, and support to truly heal — not just survive.

You can walk step-by-step through the Growth Academy with me, join our Growth Collective for weekly group coaching calls, or work 1:1 with a heartbreak recovery coach who’s also a licensed therapist.

This isn’t just about getting over them. It’s about getting yourself back.

👉 You can start the path to wholeness now. Join the program and rediscover the real you today.

Xoxo

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

P.S. Healing your low self esteem after breakup pain is just one stage of the healing process. If you want to find out what stage of healing you’re in and a personalized action plan to move forward, check out my breakup recovery quiz: How Over Your Ex Are You? 

Also, know someone who’s stuck in the self-esteem spiral after a breakup? Please, send this their way. It could be the lifeline they need. Let’s help each other heal and grow. 

Resources:

Zhang, J. W., & Chen, S. (2017). Self-compassion promotes positive adjustment for people who attribute responsibility of a romantic breakup to themselves. Self and Identity, 16(6), 732-759. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15298868.2017.1305985

Krisnamurthi, P. B. U., & Hanum, L. (2021, April). The effectiveness of online group cognitive and behavioral therapy on self-esteem and forgiveness in young adult women after romantic relationship break up. In International Conference on Psychological Studies (ICPSYCHE 2020) (pp. 38-45). Atlantis Press. https://www.atlantis-press.com/proceedings/icpsyche-20/125955809

Sbarra, D. A., Smith, H. L., & Mehl, M. R. (2012). When leaving your ex, love yourself: Observational ratings of self-compassion predict the course of emotional recovery following marital separation. Psychological science, 23(3), 261-269. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0956797611429466

From Heartbreak to Healing: Your Next Chapter Starts Here

How to Get Over a Breakup — For Good.

There are nine distinct stages of healing after relationship loss. If you miss one, you’ll get stuck. Dr. Lisa’s one-of-a-kind, comprehensive system guides you productively through all, with the support of group coaching and 1:1 sessions. Learn more about How to Heal From Heartbreak →

How Long To Get Over a Breakup? Find Out.

When will you finally get over your breakup, and be emotionally free from your ex? How over your ex are you? What’s your breakup recovery timeline? What do YOU need to do next, in order to move forward? Access Dr. Lisa’s confidential, free Breakup Quiz here, and find out →

Online Breakup and Divorce Support Group

You’re not alone. Heal your heart in our positive, affirming online breakup and divorce support group, with weekly group coaching led by an experienced divorce and breakup recovery counselor, plus 24/7 access to an affirming community of support. Learn more about Dr. Bobby’s Heartbreak Growth Collective →

Get Relationship Clarity Through Discernment Counseling

Should you end this? Or is there still hope for your relationship? Find out, and get the clarity and confidence you need to move forward, through a special (rare) type of couples work designed for this. Learn about discernment counseling →

You’re Not Alone In This: Let Us Help You

We have so many ways to support you during this difficult time including structured programs, group coaching, and 1:1 private sessions. Which path is right for you? Have a free consultation, to discuss your situation, your options, and the best path forward. Schedule Your Free Consultation →

Need Encouragement? Perspective? Guidance? It’s Here: Free Divorce & Breakup Advice

You’re going through a painful time, and Dr. Lisa is here for you. Get her guidance for free, right now in this curated podcast playlist and content collection she put together just for you. Access her Healing From Heartbreak Collection →

Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love

Why is it so hard to let go, even when you know you should? In her award-winning “Exaholics” book, Dr. Lisa explains why, and illuminates the path forward towards emotional liberation, growth, and recovery. Get your copy of Exaholics, right here →

Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About Your Ex — And How to Break Free

Can you ever stop loving someone? Want to know how to get over an ex? Learn how to stop thinking about someone so you can move on.

What It Really Takes To Get Over Someone: The Stages of a Breakup

Withdrawal, grieving, growing, rebuilding: Understanding the stages of recovery are vital to your healing process after a divorce. Learn about the stages of breakup recovery…

Yes, You Can Create an Amicable Divorce

You’re divorcing, and your biggest fear is what will happen to the kids. How can you make this as okay as possible for them? Learn how to achieve an amicable divorce →

Stop a Divorce

The threat of divorce can actually be a turning point for a marriage if you understand how to use it as an opportunity to foster healing. In this podcast, learn how to stop a divorce →

Why Do You Keep Going Back? Are You Addicted to a Toxic Relationship?

Profoundly unhealthy relationships can be the hardest to get over. Find out if you’re addicted to a toxic relationship.

When to Call It Quits

Is there still hope for your relationship, or is it best to part ways? Learn the signs that growth and healing are possible, vs. signs it’s time to call it quits in a relationship →

How to Leave a Toxic Relationship, With Dignity

Learn why it’s so hard to leave a toxic relationship, and the things you can do to empower and support yourself in your journey to emotional empowerment.

Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, BCC

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is a licensed psychologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified coach, AAMFT clinical supervisor, host of the Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast and founder of Growing Self.

6 Comments

  1. Hi My name is Jonel Williams i had a very bad break up but we was willing to get back together but i’m still scared and a emotional. my girlfriend and i was going out for 8 years can you send me the website so i can chat with others that’s going through the same thing

    Reply

    1. Hi Jonel. Sorry to hear about your loss. I can understand how going through this breakup would be very painful, and I totally agree that your getting support would be very helpful. You are welcome to join our Facebook group to connect with others going through breakups like yours. (Send a message through Facebook to be added).

      You might also consider joining our Online Breakup Support Group, where you’ll get to meet weekly with a breakup counselor and get guidance for how to heal as well as the support of the group. Wishing you all the best, Lisa Marie Bobby

      Reply

  2. Hi My name is Jonel Williams i had a very bad break up but we was willing to get back together but i’m still scared and a emotional. my girlfriend and i was going out for 8 years can you send me the website so i can chat with others that’s going through the same thing

    Reply

  3. Hi Jonel. Sorry to hear about your loss. I can understand how going through this breakup would be very painful, and I totally agree that your getting support would be very helpful. You are welcome to join our Facebook group to connect with others going through breakups like yours. (Send a message through Facebook to be added).

    You might also consider joining our Online Breakup Support Group, where you’ll get to meet weekly with a breakup counselor and get guidance for how to heal as well as the support of the group. Wishing you all the best, Lisa Marie Bobby

    Reply

  5. Hi Helen, I can invite you to the Breakup Recovery Facebook group if we’re Facebook friends. Would you mind sending me a request? ~ Lisa

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *