How to Repair Your Self Esteem After a Breakup

Takeaways: Breakups have a way of obliterating your self-esteem. It’s a natural response to the pain of rejection, heartache, and loss. But there are evidence-based steps you can take to repair your self-esteem, as well as your heart, after a breakup.

• Why we experience low self-esteem after a breakup or divorce
• Losing your confidence after a breakup
• Five steps to repair your self-esteem after a breakup
• Resources for self-esteem repair

Do You Have Low Self Esteem After a Breakup or Divorce?

Hands down, one of the most horrible parts about going through a bad breakup or divorce is the way it mangles your self-esteem. I know from so many years as a breakup recovery coach and breakup therapist, that many people experience post-divorce depression (or post-breakup depression). There are many parts to this experience, including grief and loss, or feeling overwhelmed by all the practical aspects of putting your life back together.

However, for most people, the most terrible depression after a breakup comes when it damages your self-esteem and makes you start to feel bad about yourself.

If you’ve been feeling down on yourself since your relationship ended I want you to know something right off the bat — feeling this way does not mean that you’re actually “less than.”

I talk to a LOT of people about the most vulnerable parts of their life. I know for a fact that even the most gorgeous, amazing, successful people second-guess themselves after a divorce or breakup — it’s actually quite common to have low self esteem after a breakup or divorce. Even the most naturally confident, strong, and reasonable among us — in the throes of a devastating break up — still have these types of horrible, torturous conversations with themselves in their darkest moments:

• Anxious Thought: “Why did this relationship fail?” Self-Esteem Crushing Answer: Because of all your personal shortcomings and the mistakes you made in this marriage or relationship.
• Anxious Thought: “Why doesn’t the person I love more than anything want to be with me anymore?” Self Esteem Crushing Answer: Because you aren’t interesting / fun / sexy / smart / successful enough.
• Anxious Thought: “Why didn’t my Ex care enough about me to treat me better while we were together?” Self Esteem Crushing Answer: Because you’re just not that worthy or lovable.
• Anxious Thought: “Why did my Ex cheat on me or get together with someone new?” Self Esteem Crushing Answer: Because that someone new is much more interesting, attractive, worthy of love and respect. Basically, they’re just a better person than you.

If you’re going through a bad breakup, chances are you’re probably nodding to yourself as you see this self-destructive internal dialogue put to paper. You’ve probably been being tortured by these ideas too.

And it’s making you feel terrible about yourself.

But, believe it or not, as bad as that is…. that’s not even the most toxic, ruinous thing that can happen to your already fragile self-esteem in the aftermath of a traumatic break-up.

The most terrible thing is not when your Ex betrays you or mistreats you. It’s not even when you blame yourself for why it didn’t work out or torture yourself with ongoing commentary about all of your shortcomings and failures. You begin to view yourself the way you imagine your Ex views you, and that can be incredibly painful.

The Most Destructive Part of a Breakup: Breaking Your Trust in Yourself.

Lost Confidence After a Breakup

Yes, your self-esteem gets throttled when you feel rejected, or blame yourself for what went wrong. But it gets ground up into sausage and squished into the dirt when you betray or mistreat yourself in the aftermath of a terrible breakup:

• When you fail to protect yourself from a toxic or abusive Ex.
• When you do things that you’re ashamed of… all in desperate efforts to even briefly escape the pain of heartbreak, and reconnect with your Ex.
• When you keep contacting or spying on your Ex through social media, even when you know you shouldn’t.
• When you are still sleeping or hooking up with your Ex, even when you feel more devastated afterward.
• When your mental and emotional energy is still completely focused on your Ex, and your mood for the entire day (not to mention your worth as a person) depends on what they are doing or not doing.
• When you are compromising your ethics, morals, and self-respect in efforts to regain the love and approval of your Ex.

This darkness is not something that usually gets discussed openly. But it’s very real and very destructive to your long term health, your happiness, and your self-worth. And as you know only too well if you’re going through it, you need support and compassion on your path of healing and recovery.

I have spent years helping broken-hearted people with divorce and break-up recovery counseling and coaching, and poured through oceans of research to write my book, “Exaholics: Breaking your addiction to an Ex Love.” I’ve spent years helping my private clients heal their self-esteem in the aftermath of a bad breakup, and now we’re addressing it today on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.

How to Repair Your Self Esteem After A Breakup: 5 Steps to Healing

So, how can you repair your self-esteem, heal your heart, and move forward after a bad breakup? Here are five steps that will help you get started:

1. Validation

What you’re going through is truly terrible. Losing a relationship with someone you love is heartbreaking. Anyone in your position would feel the way you feel.

But many people who are going through a breakup feel like there’s something wrong with them. They wonder why it’s taking them so long to get over their Ex, or why they’re feeling so much grief over a relationship that clearly wasn’t healthy or sustainable.

The first step in recovering from a breakup, and in healing your self-esteem after a breakup, is validation. Allow yourself to feel the way you feel and know that there’s nothing wrong with it.

2. Change Your Narrative

Are you telling yourself that if you were good enough, pretty enough, successful enough, or interesting enough, then your Ex wouldn’t have rejected you?

Screw. That. Noise. One, because it’s a surefire way to obliterate your self-esteem, and two, because it is simply not true. Relationships end because the two people involved either weren’t compatible, or they didn’t have the skills to sustain the relationship long-term. It’s not about who is “good enough,” it’s about whether your baggage fits with their baggage, and whether you’re both able and willing to unpack it all together in service of your love.

You get to decide what story you’re telling yourself about your breakup. Make sure you’re not telling yourself a story that needlessly makes you feel terrible!

3. Take Care of Yourself

There are some problems that you can’t think your way through; you have to feel your way through them. When you engage in self-care, you are experiencing yourself as being worthy of love, respect, and care. I’m not just talking about bubble baths or tubs of Ben & Jerry’s (although that may be part of your journey). I’m also talking about doing the things that help you feel put together, be productive, and feel healthy. That may be cleaning your room, or going to the gym, or finally starting on that project you’ve been procrastinating on. When you take care of your body, mind, soul, and your future, you’re repairing your self-respect in a very real and tangible way.

4. Focus on the Things You Can Control

If you’re beating yourself up over things that are outside of your control (like things that happened in the past, or things your Ex did or didn’t do, or what your Ex is doing now), it’s time to stop. You have to tie your self-evaluations to your own actions, now and in the future, not on all of the things that are beyond your control. When you can really master this skill, you’re going to feel so much freedom. Talk about growth!

5. Commit to Your Growth

You are not a finished product. You are gliding through your own growth journey here on Earth, facing challenges and sometimes heartbreaks, and allowing yourself to be changed for the better along the way. You are not the same person who you were before your breakup. You know things now that you couldn’t know until you had your heart broken by this particular relationship. How will you use the wisdom you’ve worked so hard for? How will it pave the way to a better future?

When you see yourself growing, taking charge of your story, and putting it to use, your self-esteem heals, along with your heart.

Tune In to Learn More

On today’s show, I’m going to help you understand how your self-esteem was damaged by your breakup, and how to develop new compassion and empathy for yourself. 

We’re going to discuss the five steps to healing your self-esteem after a breakup so that you can start putting yourself back together again.

I hope that this helps support you on your journey of growth and healing.

xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

PS: In this podcast, we discuss a number of resources. Here are links to all the breakup recovery resources I shared:

My private Online Breakup Support Group on Facebook (It’s a hidden group, so you have to request access)

Exaholics.com

Online Breakup Recovery Program: www.breakup-recovery.com

Book: Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to An Ex Love

PJ Harvey: To Bring You My Love, and book (poetry collection) The Hollow Of The Hand

Citations

Slotter, E. B., Gardner, W. L., & Finkel, E. J. (2010). Who Am I Without You? The Influence of Romantic Breakup on the Self-Concept. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 36(2), 147-160. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167209352250

Gilbert, Steven & Sifers, Sarah. (2011). Bouncing Back from a Breakup: Attachment, Time Perspective, Mental Health, and Romantic Loss. Journal of College Student Psychotherapy. 25. 295-310. 10.1080/87568225.2011.605693. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/241743843_Bouncing_Back_from_a_Breakup_Attachment_Time_Perspective_Mental_Health_and_Romantic_Loss