How to Reprogram Your Subconscious Mind: Break Old Patterns and Crush Your Goals

Have you ever felt that burning desire to make a serious change in your life,   only to find yourself stuck, like   you’re spinning your wheels in the same old patterns  no matter how badly you want to create change? Here is the truth. Desire alone is not going to get you there. But what if I told you   there is a proven process, an actual roadmap  that can transform your life from the inside out?

In fact, it is not even magic. It is a method. And today, we’re diving deep into exactly how you can. can   make big, lasting changes happen in your life.  And I’m so excited because today we have the incredible privilege of visiting with my pal, Thais Gibson, who is a true pioneer in the field of personal growth and emotional healing.

She’s a best selling author, PhD in counseling, student. Speaker, brilliant mind behind the personal development school. And Thais knows how to help people make changes in their lives today. She’s here to share her wisdom with you. Welcome. Thank you so much for having me and you’re just lovely. I always really enjoy speaking with you.

So I’m grateful to be, Oh, we have a good time, don’t we? Definitely. Good deal. Okay. So I have to tell you, Chase, I was so excited to talk with you at this time. Obviously people could listen to this episode whenever they are like, I can’t keep doing this. I am ready to make some changes and will benefit from it.

But right now we are talking in December, just ahead of the new year. And, Who in the world hasn’t been like next year it’s going to be different. I’m going to do these things, attain these goals, and then you know by February you’re like ugh, right? And there is nothing worse in my opinion and I have had this life experience more times than I want to think about.

Getting to October, November and thinking back on what all those goals and aspirations are. And I’m still in the same place that I was last year. So can you, let’s just start there. Like, why is it so darn hard for all of us to do the things that we need to do to create the kinds of impact and changes that we want to see in our lives?

What is going on with us? Such a great question. No pressure. I think so many people can probably relate to that, which is that we start by saying, okay, these are going to be my New Year’s resolutions, these are my big intentions for the year, and then we may find ourselves not following through for very long.

And I think the statistic is about 80 percent of people Fail their new year’s resolutions within the first week. In the first week, that makes me feel a little better. Thanks for saying that. And no, that includes everything from, okay, we’re going to eat healthier this year to, we’re going to start that business.

We’ve always wanted to, there can be so many different things that we say we’re going to do and we don’t necessarily follow through on. And to me, one of the biggest underlying reasons for this is the fact that when we say we’re going to do something and we intend. It is our conscious mind that intends.

Wait. Our unconscious mind what? What did you say? Conscious mind. Intense. So our conscious mind is the one that can be logical and rational and intend things and create desires and say, I’m going to quit eating chocolate for my New Year’s resolution. Or I’m going to go to the gym every day, or I’m going to, fill in the blanks.

But That is our conscious mind, and according to Harvard Business Review, our conscious mind is responsible for roughly three to five percent of all of our beliefs, thoughts, emotions, and actions. And it is our subconscious mind and unconscious collectively that are responsible for ninety five to ninety seven percent.

And so I would always say to people, we think that we’re sabotaging our new year’s resolutions, but we’re, it’s not that we’re actually sabotaging. No, no part of us is waking up on Jan 3rd going today. I’m going to sabotage my new year’s resolution and see how it feels, but what’s happening is people are just not aware of what’s going on.

Our experience of self sabotage or resistance or procrastination is simply that our conscious mind intends something, but our subconscious or habituated self has other conditions working against that intention. Absolutely. And so what we experience is self sabotage is our conscious mind trying to get somewhere our subconscious mind have to having different motives and our subconscious mind really being the one running the show.

And so as a result, what we’ll see is we feel like there’s this push pull dynamic of us saying, we’re going to go to the gym, but then we’re driving home from work and we’re like, ah, we don’t really feel like it and we’re choosing from. Our subconscious or habituated self much more often. And so one of the biggest and most important things is that if we want to actually take our goals or new year’s resolutions and ensure that they get done, we need to find a way to communicate that information to our subconscious mind and actually condition or program some of that in.

To our subconscious mind so that our habituated self will be able to take consistent action instead of it just being a conscious desire that drops off after the first few days. Yay. This is, I’m so glad you’re talking about this because I have experienced this, but also, and I think I may have a little bit different of language, but this idea that there are competing goals is what you’re saying.

Like your conscious part of your mind is yes, let’s go this way. But there are other parts of you that you are a multidimensional person and you may have other parts that are not conscious who desire a different outcome and so that you then need to figure out how to get everybody on the same page in order to go in the same direction because otherwise you have these parts of yourself pulling you away from something that you think.

You want. Exactly. Exactly. And you’re referring a little bit to parts work, which is so powerful as well. And the way, or I guess the language we’ll use today, but I love that perspective, I will say and that approach is if you can imagine, and I’ll share a story.

So we all have, and you can almost merge a little bit of parts work here, like different parts of us have different needs. And so if you can imagine that you’re a human being who is multidimensional and who has different needs, what happens a lot of the times is some of those needs are natural subconscious priorities that we’re living our lives by.

And we all actually have these happening and governing our lives and decisions all the time. So we all have this internal hierarchy of needs. Back in the day when I was working with clients, I worked with this woman once and she came in to me right around New Year’s and she said, Thais, I’m pre diabetic and I’m having all these health issues and every year for the last five years, I’ve told myself, this year, I’m going to eat healthy and I’m going to go to the gym and I’m going to take better care of myself and every single year I fail and I’m scared this year because I’m starting to actually struggle with my health.

And so what we did is we did a little bit of needs work and we found that her highest needs were security, comfort. Family and social connection. And so what happens is the conscious mind that three to 5 percent of us says we desire to go to the gym and to eat healthy. And the subconscious mind, which is governed by this hierarchy of needs that drives our decisions and how we perceive things all the time, said no, we’re not going to do that because that’s going to take time away from family.

Security because we don’t feel safe doing this new thing, comfort and social connection. Why would we want to go to the gym rather than hang out with friends? And so what happens is when we can start to understand our own individual needs, what we can do is we can take our conscious mind’s goal and we can link it to our subconscious mind system of needs.

And so in her particular case, these things that were really meaningful to her that were driving a lot of her life and how she prioritized things and how she spent her time, all we did is link them together. So we said, okay, if you’re going to go to exercise, let’s join a hiking club with friends. So that becomes a social connection.

Let’s spend more time doing activities with family where you’re actually going to the park with your kids and you’re playing with them on the playground and you’re taking walks outside or going for hikes there. Let’s. make sure that if you’re going to attempt to do things that are weight training related if you have a huge need for comfort and for security what we’re going to do is we’re going to get you feeling really comfortable and secure by first learning how to use weights in the comfort of your own home with an online training program.

And we’re going to set goals to cook healthily with your family. And so what was happening is her conscious mind said, okay, we want to do these new things. And her subconscious is going actually we have different priorities, but when we can discover what our own subconscious mind’s priorities are, the things that drive our behavior and a lot of what we focus on a regular basis.

And there’s ways to uncover that, which we can dive into. But when we can start to uncover what those are, we can blend those with our conscious mind’s goals. And it will diminish a lot of the resistance we feel so that there’s not, similar to what you said, this competition between different aspects of the self.

Yeah. Oh my gosh, that’s so wonderful, and also so compassionate, and I think I’m hearing what makes the difference and could be even a first step, although I’ll let you speak more about this, but it’s you have to begin by validating all these parts of your experience, and maybe instead of being mad at yourself around why you’re not going to the gym and eating healthier, slowing down to the point where you can say, how does this make sense?

sense. Like what legitimate needs is this attempting to meet for me in a way that is not self critical, that is, is honoring your whole experience? Is that, does that kind of summarize part of it? Yeah. Exactly. So what we’re trying to do is Steps is we’re trying to see if there’s a goal that we find ourselves sabotaging very frequently, we’re first trying to discover why am I sabotaging this?

And what are these underlying priorities that I tend to focus my attention on instead? And you’ll actually see some ways of pulling up that your own individual hierarchy of needs are through asking yourself questions like, how do I spend my free time? Okay, our free time is often going to be spent around things that are our biggest priorities.

How do we spend our money? A lot of the times what we naturally spend our money on are things that are high priority to us. So for some people, that’s personal growth books or psychology books and books about human behavior. For other people, that’s entertainment. For other people, that’s they’re spending a lot of their time or money on things related to social connection or family.

And so we can start looking at some of these themes and ask ourselves what are the things that naturally are driving my behavior all the time, where I spend my time, my money, what I naturally read and research about where I actually spend a lot of time speaking to other people. If you actually pay close attention, there’s themes and patterns within the topics you’ll get really excited to share with other people or talk to them about.

And so what we can start unpacking is. those common threads. And there’s a series of more in depth questions you can ask. But at a high level for our conversation now, we can start digging into what are those themes? And from that you’ll start to see. Okay, there’s a set of priorities that is governing my life on a regular basis.

And for some people, it’s career growth. For other people, it’s financial wealth building and achievement. For other people, it’s family time and social time. And then what we want to be able to do is recognize that anything that is in our behaviors is already subconscious, right? Because our subconscious mind is our habituated self.

So when we have desires, that’s often our conscious mind. And so when our conscious mind says, okay, I’d like to do these new things. If they’re out of alignment with our subconscious natural priorities or needs, then we’re going to find that we’re in this push pull dynamic where it’s like conscious mind intense, subconscious pulls in a different direction.

So as we can start asking ourselves, what are the things that I’m always thinking about focusing on spending time on spending money on, those things are already conditioned or programmed into me. So I want to be able to recognize, okay, this is who I am. And every time that I try to move away from those things.

Things and tell myself, I’m going to do something else. Sometimes my subconscious mind is going to block me because it’s going to say this isn’t habituated. And so what we want to be able to do is find a way to link those things together, rather than having them seem like they’re in competition with one another instead.

Definitely. So that one of the strategies for people who are listening to this to be like, what do I do? What would just be to start by getting really curious. And almost rising up that 30, 000 foot view and observing yourself. Like I say, I want to do these things, but what I actually do are those things, just to be able to start getting data around what are the core values or the needs that I am honoring through my behaviors currently.

And then we can begin to start having conversations that create more What was the word that you used between the habituated self and the subconscious self congruence? Alignment. Alignment. Okay. Yes. But really, the more we can link those things together, the more we’re going to find natural momentum.

Definitely. So that’s one of those really big places that and I love the way you summarize it and broke it down. That’s one of those big places that we’ll start to see we reduce resistance by aligning our conscious goals with our subconscious minds. Priorities. Yes. And the other really big place that we block ourselves so frequently is when we have a conscious mind goal, but then we have a limiting belief about it at a subconscious level person.

They’re going, okay, consciously, I want to make sure that I start this new business that I’ve always wanted to start or that move in this direction where I’m finally setting boundaries in the workplace. Place or I’m finally speaking up to my partner about what I need. If we set a conscious mind intention, but we believe subconsciously because of our previous experiences and the way that they’ve conditioned us, if we believe that if I start that business, I will fail.

Or if I speak up and set boundaries, I’m going to be let go of from my workplace. Or if I advocate for my needs in a relationship, my partner will abandon me. Then your conscious mind can intend or want to do these things all you want, but all that’s going to happen is the moment you go to actually take action, you’re going to find yourself freezing or fleeing or being in a position where you’re not following through with things because you actually have these really strong subconscious blocks.

And so one of the exercises I would often get people to do is to sit down and write out like, what is my big conscious mind goal? What are the things I really want to do and accomplish this year? And then ask yourself a question, which you can write in the next column. Why haven’t I done this already?

Why haven’t I been able to complete this just yet? And what you’ll see is usually exactly the excuses that you’ll give for why you haven’t achieved this already are a great way of pulling up what limiting beliefs that you’re carrying about yourself. Oh, I haven’t started that business because I’m not sure I will succeed.

Or I haven’t spoken up to my boundaries because I’m afraid somebody will abandon me in my life. And when we can start to raise those limiting beliefs to the surface, we can actually start to really rewire them. And I’m happy to jump into maybe a couple of tools for how to do that. But before I do, I’m curious if that’s something you’ve often seen with different individuals as well.

Is that, say the very last part again, I feel like you just trailed off a second of. Oh, don’t worry. Yeah, if that’s something that you’ve often seen with different individuals in your practice as well we find something and then we find ourselves being blocked by a limiting belief in some sort of capacity.

Absolutely. Is that our thoughts create our feelings, which translate into our behaviors. And that’s very true. I think what, and maybe you could speak a little bit to this. I think that. There are parts of the self that are easier to make contact with than others, and particularly when you’re talking about these pieces that are in the dark, so to speak, are subconscious selves, right?

It means by definition that they’re out of our awareness. And so the challenge and a big piece of what we do in therapy or in good coaching is start to bring those pieces together. things into the light. And I love it that you’re talking about different ways to help people do this. So observe what you do and how is this maybe different than what you think you want to do.

So additionally, you going into that exercise where you’re like, let’s talk about the excuses and being able to get visibility into that. I think wonder if we could even take this a little bit deeper because I think it is very easy for all of us to buy into our own excuses. I don’t have time. It will be hard.

It will be XYZ. I’m not sure what are all the obstacles? But I really feel like, Thais, what you’re talking about is how to take that at a deeper level. Level, because I think those deeper fears, I feel like I’ll fail. I feel like my husband will leave me if I set boundaries with him, right?

Some of these are at layers that it is harder to crack into. So Tell us about your thoughts of how people can do that because, I think that is part of the benefit of having a relationship with a therapist or a counselor who can be like really and hold you in that place a little bit until you’re working through some of those pieces.

But, we’re talking about the, how to have this experience in DIY format, so to speak, how do we really get under our own hoods if you don’t know what you don’t know. Yeah. So one of the easiest sort of tools to get there, and we can talk about the way to rewire some of these fears, but the first step is to sit down and write out your very clear and specific goal in one to two sentences.

So my goal would be for 2025 to finally start that business that I’ve always wanted to, for example. And then what you can ask yourself right next to it is why haven’t I done this yet? And some of those excuses, which may be more superficial at the start where it’s like, Oh, I just don’t have enough time.

And then what we can do is take that initial excuse and we can ask ourselves a layer deeper. What do I make this mean? Or what am I afraid will happen? So for example, if somebody goes, I don’t have enough time and that may feel like a more superficial excuse. If you run out of time, what do you make that mean?

Or what do you feel like will happen? Then I’ll tell people I’m going to start this business and then I won’t follow through. Okay, and what are you making that mean if you don’t follow through or what are you afraid will happen then? Then everybody will judge me as a failure. And what we can do is by continuously rotating those questions.

What do I make that mean? Or then what am I afraid will happen? Oftentimes we’ll get to a really deep belief and the most root beliefs that people will have that actually impacts their behavior because of course our beliefs influence our thoughts and then our feelings and then neuroscience has proven all of our decisions are actually made based on our emotional state.

So We have this thread of events taking place and what the most common beliefs are for people and people can check in and see if any of these resonate with them, but there are things like I will be abandoned. I will be rejected, excluded, disliked. I will be seen as not good enough or unlovable.

Fears of being trapped or helpless or powerless. fears of being betrayed or alone or fears of being seen as defective or fundamentally flawed. And those tend to be some of our biggest underlying reasons where we’ll, we will completely avoid situations because we have this subconscious belief system.

And a lot of those beliefs are acquired from previous events. And I often give people this analogy of, if you can imagine you see a bear in the woods. And let’s say tomorrow you’re walking through the woods and you see this bear and you’re like, Oh my goodness. And then you run away and you’re safe from the bear.

Thank goodness. But if the very next day you have to walk back through those same woods, you’re probably going to go, Oh my gosh, where’s the bear? And you’re going to be like, America come from here. Exactly. And so we panic and we project the likelihood of that bear appearing anywhere because when our subconscious mind stores an experience.

with threatening emotions attached to it. We store an experience as being something threatening. Then we are wired to hang on to this experience and reproject out the likelihood of this recurring. And we do that to protect ourselves. But what that means is if in childhood or some previous events, you We’re made to feel like you would fail, or that you would be abandoned, or that you were in fact trapped, or you were unsafe.

Then we’ll store these ideas about ourselves, and our subconscious mind will actually create this lens that we see and interact with the world through going forward. So we will re project or assume our past onto our present experiences. And then, of course, that’s going to influence how we think, how we feel, and how we act as a result.

And so much of it is, can we pull up what these limiting beliefs are? And once we’re able to do that by digging through those questions, and really finding that belief that we’re like, wow, this is a big fear of mine. This is something that really resonates as being something I want to avoid at all costs.

Then we can actually work to challenge the belief and ultimately rewire it that I, maybe we can talk about more in a second. Yeah. No, I’d love that. But this is so important too, because the, also the natural extension is that if you aren’t, really aware of what those negative beliefs are and these deep things that are changing the way that you think, the way that you feel, and ultimately the way that you behave.

If you’re behaving from these old false core beliefs, you will create the reality many times that you would like to avoid because they are driving the bus. And that’s why it becomes really critical to be doing this work. Because how we spend our days is how we spend our lives, right? And so the things that we’re doing have big outcomes long term.

So this is fascinating. Oh, go ahead. Oh, no, I was just saying that’s beautifully said. And, to your point, like what’s often happening a lot of the time is consciously, we desire something different and want to move in a different direction, but we end up in the same potholes over and over again, because we haven’t figured out exactly what’s governing the way we see the world at a subconscious level.

And so we just keep repeating the same old patterns of behavior. So the great news is that there’s a lot of ways that we can really rewire these core ideas once we’re able to pull them up. Yeah, so let’s talk about that. Because I know that you have so much to share that, that when this stuff becomes illuminated, that’s not where it ends.

Insight is not enough. And I think that is what separates both of our perspectives from that of not throwing shade, but that insight oriented talk therapy. One of the core beliefs of that system is that when you have insight, that will then change something that will then somehow translate into changes in behavior.

And I think you and I both have a strong coaching background. So we know that there is actually a process that needs to happen before that change is possible. And I would love to hear your take on this, that once, okay, I have a limit in core belief that is really sabotaging my conscious desire for success.

What would you do with that? And I completely agree that’s, inside, unfortunately, it’s a first step. But if it’s a first step, engaging the subconscious mind in the process, we gain the insight about our pattern or behavior and where it stems from at its root. But then we may not do anything to change.

And I can’t tell you how many times over the years I’ve had conversations with people who say things like, I know I need to set boundaries. Okay, I’m gonna start doing it and then they don’t follow through or I know I need to change this pattern or this behavior. Okay, I get it. I see it now. I even see where it’s coming from and why I do it.

But you fall back into those same potholes over and over again, unless you were literally habituating in something new. I’ll share a tool that I love and it’s a great place to start when it comes to rewiring core beliefs and it’s called auto suggestion. It’s a form of rewiring your beliefs. And it’s leveraging an understanding of neuroplasticity.

So I think there’s a few core things here that we want to touch on. The first thing is that neural pathways are like muscles. They get strengthened over time when you’re using them. And if you do not use them, then they atrophy over time. Similar to if you’re not working out for your bicep muscle would get smaller over time.

That’s a part of how our neural pathways function. And whenever we are feeding the same old thoughts or feelings or beliefs. We’re actually firing and wiring them more deeply. So there’s an old saying, there are no idle thoughts and that might be a little too dramatic, but the things that we keep rehashing and rehearsing in our mind or in our internal dialogue are deepening what we are thinking, feeling, believing.

So there’s a three step tool called auto suggestion. And the first step is to find that core belief. And then it’s opposite. So if somebody, heard that belief and resonated with, I am not good enough, or I am unworthy, or I’ll be abandoned or unlovable, we’re just looking at its opposite. I am good enough.

I am worthy. I’m worthy of connection. Instead of abandonment, I’m lovable instead of unlovable. So we’re just looking for basically an antonym and step one, step two, And this is where we need a little more backstory, but step two, I don’t believe in affirmations at all. As somebody who started with a background in hypnotherapy I have found that affirmations are almost meaningless.

And the reason for this is that the conscious mind speaks language, but the subconscious mind speaks in emotion and in imagery. A great obvious example of this is the ironic processing theory of psychology, which is if I say to you, whatever you do not think of the pink elephant, of course, there’s the flashing image of the pink elephant.

And so what happens is your conscious mind hears, do not, but your subconscious mind sees https: otter. ai And so when we’re trying to rewire or change a belief, we can’t just give an affirmation and say, I’m good enough. I’m good enough because the problem is this at the subconscious level, nobody’s waking up and saying today, I’m going to tell myself I’m not good enough all day and see how I feel.

These are subconscious pre existing conditions that come from our past conditioning That then are stored in our perception of ourselves or the world And so these are the things we want to target at the subconscious level of mind. Okay, so Step two is we need to be able to now Impact or implement that new idea through emotions and images Okay.

So what this means is let’s just say, for example, we’re working on, I am good enough to start that business, or I am good enough to accomplish goal X. Well, what we need is we need something that is now the container for emotions and images. And interestingly enough, every memory is a container of emotions and imagery.

So if I were to say to you, okay, tell me your favorite childhood memory, you might say Oh, I was playing at the beach and I was with my family. . And as you tell the story, we’ll often see people tell an old story and they laugh or they smile, or their body language changes because they’re actually experiencing the emotion that’s connected to that memory when they recall it.

And on top of that, we see the images in our mind of the memory, right? You see the image of the ocean or the waves or your family members. What we’re doing is we need repetition and we need emotion and imagery and these three ingredients together are what actually create new neural pathways.

We get the repetition to fire and wire and we get the emotion to really help with that entire process to help it solidify. So what we do just, I know this is a lot, so step one, this is wonderful. Thank you. And an opposite. Thank you. Step two is once we have the opposite of the limiting belief. So I am good enough.

We come up with memories of times that we actually did feel good enough and they can be teeny tiny. They don’t need to be these huge accolades or awards. And what we’re doing here is we’re looking for very specific things because the more specific we get, the more imagery and the more emotion are there.

So we may say, okay, I felt good enough two days ago when I had that hard conversation with my partner, or I felt good enough the other day when I showed up as a great friend for somebody in need, or I felt good enough, three weeks ago when I, fill in the blanks and we can look through the different areas of life.

We can look through, the career area or the financial area or the mental, emotional, spiritual, physical relationship areas. We can scan the different areas of life. And ideally, we’re coming up with 10 memories. They can be teeny tiny. But 10 memories of times that we felt a Sense of being good enough.

. Or whatever the opposite is of the original limiting belief that you’re seeing. So I will fail, I will succeed. I’m abandoned, I’ll be connected. I’m not good enough. I am good enough. So that’s step two. And once we have 10 memories of times that we felt good enough or lovable or whatever the new idea is that we want to feed into our subconscious mind, step three is we want to record it down.

And what I mean by record it down is ideally record yourself saying these things out loud into your phone or somewhere you can listen back. And then research into neuroplasticity shows that we need about 21 days. And so we’ve built in a new neural pathways, bare minimum of firing and wiring and feeling about these things and seeing the images.

And within 21 days of doing this, we’ve now built in new neural pathways that are strong enough to really stick and to take hold. And so if we listen back, it maybe takes two minutes in the morning to listen back to your memories and to feel about them and to visualize them as much as you can. And now what we’re doing is we’re taking our conscious mind and we’re using our conscious mind to bring up the images.

Awareness. What is the limiting belief? Why haven’t I achieved my goal yet? Oh, I’m scared we’ll fail or not be good enough. And then what we’re doing is we’re going, okay, just because that was an experience we had, doesn’t mean that’s something we want to carry into the present or future. So now what we’re going to do is we’re going to come up with the new idea that we want our subconscious mind to feel instead, 10 pieces of supporting evidence or memory.

Record this down, listen back for 21 days, and people truly shift out of these old limiting beliefs so effectively within that 21 day period, and it truly rewires a lot of these painful old ideas that we may have, but in the present moment itself. Yeah. Because you’re changing your self concept.

As well, you know that you are talking back to this old limiting belief that says you can’t and really showing it, demonstrating it in a way that it can hear, listen, understand that it’s not true. In a powerful way that changes the belief, but it also changes your self concept. You’re reminding yourself of your competence, your ability to do the thing that you do want to do.

Although, let me ask you one thing as we’re talking and for the benefit of somebody listening to this right now, our listeners who might be saying, But what if I don’t actually have any exceptions to the rule? What if I have not yet had the life experiences that would support the version of myself that I’m trying to cultivate?

I could see it being a vulnerable moment for people if they are doing that mental inventory and thinking, Oh no what does it mean about me that I can’t find an exception or any evidence that exists yet to support this new idea that I would like to cultivate.

How do you help them? beautiful question. So the first thing that we do is if there’s an experience where we haven’t seen that in our past, one of the first things I encourage people to do is become that for themselves in the present. And so if there’s a time where somebody saying, okay, I haven’t seen anything to show that I won’t be abandoned.

How are you going to stick around and show up for yourself, for your own feelings, for your own needs, for your own boundaries? How are you going to be the person that breaks that cycle for you and to be able to give to yourself what you may never have had proper access to growing up? Because for some individuals, they’ve only seen mostly times of being abandoned or they’ve only seen, messaging that they were not good enough or unworthy.

And we start by saying, Okay then how am I going to put an end to that cycle by no longer giving myself that kind of messaging by no longer behaving to my towards myself and towards my own feelings and needs as if I’m not deserving of more here. And so we can start by becoming the need that we’re hoping to get from implementing this new idea, becoming the person who meets that need.

And we can make a list of If somebody were going to never abandon me again, how would they show up in this particular instance? Would they show up and be somebody who is consistently attuning to my feelings or listening to what I need or being more present with me? What would that look like if somebody was making me feel good enough or worthy of connection, or like I will succeed instead of fail.

And then we can actually practice becoming that in relationship to self across the 21 days And that’s a beautiful pivot for anybody who feels like they haven’t had that opportunity to get there yet. And then the second approach that I often take with people is, Sometimes people, when we have a deep subconscious idea about ourselves, we have a mechanism in our brain called the reticular activating system.

And the activating system, as is the filtering system of the brain. And so what often happens is according to the input that we’re focusing on, we’ll tend to filter out information according to that. Material. So the most obvious example people often give is let’s say you’re thinking of buying a new car and let’s say it’s a white Jeep.

You might all of a sudden notice white Jeeps everywhere because that’s the focus and the subconscious mind decides what to focus on by the repetitive material that your conscious mind is basically feeding into it. And so What can happen is we’re so used to seeing ourselves. It’s not good enough that at first it can be hard to challenge that concept or idea or we’re so used to thinking we’re going to fail that it can be hard to challenge that concept or idea.

So I often say to people, if that feels too much like a stretch, we start general and then we get specific over time. So for example, instead of saying I am good enough, if that feels like too much of a leap for ourselves to gain any kind of proof or resonance with, then I often tell people, okay, start with, It is possible for me to feel better about myself, or it is possible for me to have sustained connection.

If we’re doing an abandoned load, or it is possible for me to feel more confident or to feel like I can succeed at small things instead of that, I will fail. So we start with just starting really general. And then we look for reasons. It’s possible. And sometimes we can say it was possible for that person who didn’t have much of that growing up, or it’s possible for this person who came from a really difficult time or background.

And so if it’s possible for them, maybe it’s possible for me. So we can start getting a little bit of repetition and emotion of that evidence. externally in a more generalized way. And over time, we’ll start to see that we’re going, yeah, I actually do feel like it’s possible. And then we can get slightly more specific.

So instead of going, I’m not good enough to, I’m good enough. We go, it’s possible that I can improve. It’s possible that I feel better about myself each day. And then eventually as we find more and more resonance with each step forward of that belief, we can go to, it’s possible for me to truly feel like I’m good enough to achieve this goal or desire that I have.

Yeah, absolutely. And I just, I love the fact that you’re talking about this because You can’t take a too big of a first step, right? And if you are trying to change a core belief by going all the way to something that does not feel true, then it feels like you’re lying to yourself, right?

And it actually damages your relationship with yourself. And so you’re saying that if you don’t, Have the native memories, you can use visualizations, which are also very powerful, the outcomes that you would like to create, but that also you can begin chipping away at those core beliefs by moving your thinking patterns in the direction that you would like to go and that over time, they begin becoming more and more true that you’re finding more confirmation of that evidence and that helps you.

grow in a kind of a smoother slope because if you try to go too fast too far it will become unfortunately you’re setting yourself up to fail. And a lot of times if anybody’s sitting down and they feel like there’s resistance to that seeing themselves as other than the belief, sometimes too, we can ask ourselves this really interesting question, which is why is it that I would want to hang on to this idea about myself?

And sometimes what we’ll see is underneath the idea, we’ve adopted that belief. about ourselves as a way of trying to protect ourselves from something. And so sometimes it’s if I believe I will fail and I hold on to that self part of myself concept, then I’m protecting myself from being embarrassed in front of other people, or I’m protecting myself from feeling disappointed.

And so sometimes we’ll realize that, okay, my mind is hanging onto this from this place of just attempting to do its best it can to protect me and to look out for me. But also the recognition, as you touched on earlier, that our beliefs create thoughts, which then can produce an emotional output, which then determine our behaviors.

And so Unless we learn to really clean up things at that root level by rewiring those limiting beliefs, we’re going to keep seeing the same patterns of thought that may be very self defeating or frightening. Those same types of emotional patterns on a regular basis. And those same types of actions that will bring us back to the square one.

That was exactly what we were trying to get away from. So recognizing that, this is just your mind doing its thing. best to protect you, but being able to chip away at those beliefs in a way that feels comfortable and in resonance and being able to pair that with if you’ve been a person, in the words of Dr.

Gabor Mate, trauma are the things that happened that shouldn’t have happened. So things like you were made to feel like a not good enough person or like you are unlovable or unworthy, that’s a trauma, but trauma is also the things that didn’t happen that should have happened. Like in a perfect world, you would have had your needs met.

met to feel like you would have lasting connection or you would have had your needs met to feel like you’re worthy of being validated and having a healthy sense of self confidence. And so if we see that, you know what, I just don’t have anything to pull from. I have such little evidence that I am worthy or that I am good enough.

Then work on being the person that becomes that in, in becoming the parent you never had to yourself by practicing some of that self validation and small pieces or practicing being somebody who can be more present with yourself or show up for your boundaries. Because if you can meet those needs, that will also play such a beautiful and powerful role in changing that inner subconscious set point or subconscious comfort zone of what you think you are worthy or deserving.

Yeah. Beautiful. These are powerful ideas, Thais. I appreciate you sharing them with us today. Okay. I know we need to wrap up here, but can I ask you just one, one more question before we glide to a halt? For somebody listening to this who has had a Many personal experiences of wanting to change, wanting things to be different, but failing over and over again, to the point that it has damaged their trust in themselves and their ability to you know, do anything differently.

Who might even be listening to this and be like, that all sounds great. And I could see how if I did those things, I would benefit from them, but I don’t trust myself to even do what she’s advising at this point because over and over again, I have set out to make positive changes and I have never done it.

What would you say to that person? Yeah, that’s a great question. So I would say a couple of things. I would say the first thing that is so important is probably if you’re in a position where you set out and you try and you keep finding yourself back at square one over and over again, chances are one of the biggest reasons that you’re in that position is because whatever was done to you in your own subconscious conditioning or your own past experiences, there’s a pretty decent chance that we’re carrying out in the relationship to ourselves and our own inner dialogue.

So a lot of times, if we come from a place where our trust is broken, we learn to not trust ourselves because we don’t have a healthy modeling for trust. Or a lot of times, if we were trying very hard at something and, we were shamed or criticized, we become so shaming and self critical. So the first thing is if you feel stuck, the most important thing that’s going to create any kind of change in my opinion, is to practice being compassionate to yourself rather than completely like continuing that cycle of beating yourself up and putting yourself down because that’s not doing anything positive.

So the first step is to have some compassion. The second step is whenever we’re feeling really stuck, sometimes we’re actually in a bit of a freeze mode and sometimes from a nervous system point of view, it’s difficult to take action or to escape. Establish that we can take steps towards anything, because maybe we’re in this functional freeze mode.

Maybe we’re so used to being in sympathetic nervous system all the time, that we’re not able to feel clear on what it is that we want or what the action steps would be for ourselves going forward. And so sometimes if we’re like, I don’t even wanna start the work, I don’t even, . Want to get into, trying to meet my own needs or I don’t even want to get into doing some rewiring work and using auto suggestion to move through my beliefs.

Sometimes the first step is okay, let me just start with a commitment to be very kind and compassionate towards myself, to not beat myself up for anything, to be mindful of my inner dialogue. And to practice doing something that on a daily basis can help re regulate my nervous system a little bit and put me into a better state of being.

Because sometimes if we’re really in fight or flight or we’re really in distress mode, even in a subtle way, It really stops us from being able to take action. So if anyone’s feeling stuck, sometimes the best thing you can do is stop doing and start being. And what that actually looks is start with a daily meditation for 10 minutes, or start with something where you’re doing deep breathing work or just things to get your body to practice being instead of being this weird.

chronic state of doing. And sometimes through that mode of being, you’re actually connecting more deeply to yourself. You are connecting more deeply to your body, which is actually giving your yourself messaging that it is safe to be with myself. It is safe to be present with myself. And as we practice on a regular basis, spending more time in parasympathetic nervous system mode sometimes that will be the very thing that allows us to get out of our head and into our body and out of that.

space of busy mind and self sabotaging and putting ourselves down. And we’ll just get some space from that enough to then feel a little more calm, a little more settled. And then from there, we may have the energy to start taking action. And two of the biggest things when it comes to trust our number one congruency.

So sometimes when we say something, we’re going to do something and we don’t follow through, it actually creates a type of incongruency where then we don’t trust ourselves to be able to follow through because what we’re saying and what we’re doing are not lining up. So we can set much smaller goals there, like just start with some nervous system regulation for five or ten minutes to build that self belief that look, I can stick to this.

I am gaining momentum. And then another huge piece of self trust is self consideration. And if we’re somebody who can’t consider it, you can imagine it when it’s externalized. If we have a friend who never takes us into consideration, they borrow our things and don’t give them back. They say things that might hurt our feelings.

They, do all these things that feel like they’re not considering us at all. We’ll, we’re not really going to trust them. So if we can get into a position, Where we learn to consider our own feelings, our own needs, check in with ourselves, more attuned to ourselves, be kinder to ourselves in the way that we speak to ourselves and our internal dialogue.

If we can be more considerate and we can set small goals where there’s room for congruency, those two things together can actually help really reestablish self trust enough that we’ll then want to take more actions. Amazing. Such a fantastic advice, Thais. And thank you so much for being so generous with your perspective with your advice, and also with such I think specific and concrete things that people can experiment with and do a little bit differently as They enter into this new life chapter.

So you guys, whether or not you are listening to this on the cusp of a new year, I really hope that Taisa’s perspective has helped you get some visibility into things that you can do to create different outcomes for yourself this time around, either in the goals that you attain, but also in how you act.

Feel about yourself, which may arguably be even more important. So Tyese, thank you so much for spending this time with me today. And so if people wanted to learn more about you, your mission, your message, where would they go? So I put daily videos out on YouTube at personal development school, dash Chinese Gibson.

And then I’m on Instagram, which is at underscore personal development school. And then personal development school. com is our website as well. So thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate you having me and and it’s so nice to speak with you as always. Likewise. This has been incredible.

Okay. We’re gonna, we’re gonna do this again. But in the meantime, you guys check out Thais on her channels, her work. I am a big believer in what she’s teaching and I will look forward to our next conversation. Thank you so much.