The 9 Stages of a Breakup

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The 9 Stages of a Breakup

As a breakup therapist, I get so many breakup questions on our Growing Self blog and through Facebook from broken-hearted people looking for breakup recovery advice. More than anything, they want to know what the stages of a breakup are and how long it will take to get over their ex.  

If you’ve ever listened to my Love, Happiness and Success podcast, you know that I have a special place in my heart for people who are in the midst of a bad breakup, and I want to help (you can read my own horrible breakup story here). So in this episode, I’m walking you through the nine stages of a breakup and what each one entails. My hope is that by learning about each stage, and how long it takes to get over a breakup, you can identify where you are in this process and get some direction on how to move forward.

I’ll also share some of the processes that I teach in my Heal From Heartbreak Program. It’s a comprehensive step-by-step roadmap that I created just for you to guide you through the healing process. I’ve also built a community over there called the Growth Collective so that you can walk the path back to yourself surrounded by others who are doing the same. Let’s dig in. 

The 9 Stages of a Breakup

Breakup recovery is not an event, it’s a process. Learning about the stages of a breakup, and what the breakup period and recovery process looks like, will provide you with a more robust answer about what to expect.

Breakup Stage 1: Craving Contact With Your Ex

In this stage of breakup recovery, you’re in intense pain. You can’t stop thinking about your Ex, you’re craving contact with them, you’re idealizing your Ex, and you’re often wishing that you could get back together. 

This is the “withdrawal” stage of breakup recovery, and it’s bad. Worst yet, people can get stuck in this stage for a really long time, especially if you’re still in contact with your Ex, or you’re still following them on social media. We’ll talk about how to take your power back, and break free from this stage so that you can truly begin the process of healing.

In the Heal From Heartbreak program, we begin right here—by helping you understand the biological basis of love and attachment, so you can stop blaming yourself for the pain you’re in. I walk you through proven strategies for managing obsessive thoughts, setting boundaries, and cutting emotional cords with your ex. This is where you stabilize, so you can begin to think clearly and start making empowered choices that support your healing.

Breakup Stage 2: Navigating the Fog: Relationship Clarity

After the initial shock of heartbreak, you find yourself in what I call the “relationship clarity” stage. This is a crucial turning point in your healing journey. It’s where you begin to see your relationship — and yourself — with new eyes.

In this stage, it’s common to feel stuck in the “limbo trap,” haunted by what-ifs and the hope that things could still work out. You might find yourself going in circles: one moment fantasizing about getting back together, the next vowing to never speak to your ex again. This back-and-forth is normal, but it can keep you from fully grieving and moving forward.

This is where you need to pause and get clear. It’s not about rushing to close the door, but about deciding whether the relationship has a real path to healing or if it’s truly over. If there’s still love and a mutual desire to rebuild, it might be worth exploring reconciliation. But if deep down you know that the relationship can’t meet your needs or was fundamentally unhealthy, it’s time to accept that truth and allow yourself to grieve.

This clarity isn’t easy — it’s often painful. But it’s the first step toward freedom. When you stop idealizing the past and start seeing the relationship for what it really was, you reclaim your power. You’re no longer stuck in endless loops of hope or self-blame. Instead, you’re opening the door to the next chapter of your life, one where you’re not defined by your past, but by your courage to face it honestly.

Not gonna lie, my friend: This one is one of the hardest stages to work through. Because the reality is that sometimes couples do take a break and get back together again. People do evolve. There might be a V.2 for this relationship. And if that’s the case, you deserve to know that. That’s why in my Heal From Heartbreak program I devote an entire module to helping you sort that out. 

However, as you know… not all relationships can be mended. Not all relationships SHOULD be repaired. Sometimes, in the immortal words of Kenny Rogers, you gotta know when to fold ‘em. And you cannot heal any further, until you do. 

In my experience most people need help with this, because there are complexities here. I’ve helped so many people navigate this narrow path to clarity and I’d love to help you too. Here’s the link to my Heal From Heartbreak program if you’d like to get started.

Breakup Stage 3: Healthy Boundaries and Closure

Once you’ve found that clarity, the next step is to start building healthy boundaries and finding closure. This stage is where you transform your insight into action — and where real healing begins to take root.

Healthy boundaries are your way of saying, “I deserve to heal.” They might look like limiting contact with your ex, letting go of social media snooping, or simply deciding not to engage in conversations that pull you back into the past. Boundaries aren’t about punishment or control. They’re about protecting your peace and giving yourself the space to heal.

Closure, on the other hand, isn’t something your ex can give you. It’s something you create for yourself. Closure means accepting that while the relationship was important, it doesn’t define your worth or your future. It’s about saying goodbye not just to the person, but to the version of yourself that was wrapped up in that relationship.

This stage can feel raw. You might grieve the loss of not just the relationship, but also the dreams you had for it. You might wrestle with anger, shame, or regret — but these emotions are not your enemies. They’re powerful teachers, showing you what you need to heal and grow.

As you practice setting boundaries and finding closure, you’re also practicing self-respect and self-love. You’re learning to trust yourself again — to know that you are capable of creating relationships that feel safe, fulfilling, and aligned with who you are becoming.

Breakup Stage 4: Grieving

Once you’ve decided for yourself that the relationship is really over and started closing the doors, then your healing process really begins… with honest grieving. During this time, it’s normal to feel sad, angry, regretful, and scared. 

This is the best time to use the power of breakup grief to release your attachment to your Ex, and work through the pain of heartbreak.

This is a crucial stage in the Heal From Heartbreak program. I guide you through structured emotional processing exercises so you don’t rush your grief. You get the support you need to understand it, validate it, and move through it productively. You’re supported with journaling prompts and therapist-designed techniques to help you release your pain layer by layer. You can also opt in for a breakup coach and licensed therapist to help you work through this pain in a 1:1 setting.

Healing From Heartbreak Program with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Dr. Lisa - Breakup Expert

Still thinking about your ex?

This is Why…

Healing after a relationship loss happens in stages. If you can’t let go, it means that you’ve gotten stuck somewhere in the process. Let’s break you free.

Take this free, two-minute quiz to discover exactly what stage you need to work through, and what to do next in order to heal, grow, and move forward.

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Breakup Stage 5: Releasing Anger, and Making Friends With Dark Emotions

Once you’ve grieved the loss and you’ve gotten past the hardest parts of withdrawal, the deeper layers of healing can happen. Most people, when the dust starts to settle, become aware that they still have feelings like anger, guilt, and even shame related to their relationship. Until you work through these feelings post-breakup, it’s hard to release your attachment to your Ex fully.

This is where Module 5 of the Heal From Heartbreak program becomes your turning point. You learn how to work with your dark emotions—like anger and resentment—not by suppressing them, but by using them as powerful tools for growth. I teach you how to transform anger into clarity, how to listen to your guilt without letting it crush you, and how to find your way out of shame and into self-compassion.

The next stage of breakups often involves turning away from the focus being on your Ex and turning towards yourself. Most people going through a bad breakup feel like it’s taken a toll on their self-esteem. Learning how to love yourself again is the foundation for being able to rebuild and move on after a breakup.

In the Heal From Heartbreak program, I dedicate an entire module to rebuilding your sense of identity and self-worth. You reconnect with your values, explore the deeper ‘why’ behind your patterns, and learn how to create a future that reflects your true self—not just who you were in that relationship. This stage is where you rediscover your inner strength and confidence.

Breakup Stage 6: What Did I Learn?

When you’re feeling clear and strong, you have a wonderful opportunity to gather up the learning experiences that you may have uncovered through your healing process. Keeping these life lessons in the forefront will give you the power to create a better future for yourself. If not, you’re destined to repeat the mistakes of your past.

This stage is where you turn your heartbreak into wisdom. As you reflect deeply on your past relationships, identify what was missing, and—most importantly—clarify what you need and deserve moving forward, you’ll start to see the light at the end of the breakup tunnel. This is where you stop repeating old patterns and start stepping into intentional love.

Breakup Stage 7: Cutting The Cords

Once you’ve worked through the dark emotions of a breakup, craving, grief, anger, and shame…. you’re free to move on. AND, annoyingly, many people still find that they are thinking about their Ex. They might even have intrusive thoughts about their Ex. In this stage of a breakup, there’s no continued reason to keep thinking about your Ex… but it’s easier said than done.

That’s why the “Cutting the Cords” module in the program is so transformative. Learning how to break the mental and emotional loops that keep your Ex front and center in your mind will create freedom and space for you to heal fully. From cognitive techniques to mindfulness tools, I walk you step-by-step through how to shift your attention back to your life, your future, and your healing.

Breakup Stage 8: Designing Your New Chapter

Welcome to one of the final stages of heartbreak recovery — the most exciting and empowering one of all. This is where your healing journey shifts from looking backward to looking forward. It’s where you begin to design a life that reflects not just your healing, but your growth and transformation.

In Stage Eight, you’re no longer defined by your past. You’re no longer consumed by thoughts of your ex or haunted by what could have been. Instead, you’re standing in your power, ready to create a life that’s in alignment with your deepest values, dreams, and desires.

This stage is all about possibility. You’re not just moving on — you’re moving up. You’re expanding into the most authentic version of yourself. You might find yourself reconnecting with old passions or discovering entirely new ones. You might start to date again, not from a place of desperation or fear, but from a place of curiosity and wholeness.

Designing your new chapter doesn’t mean you’ll never look back with tenderness or even sadness. That’s okay. Those memories are part of your story — but they’re not the whole story. You’ve turned the page, and you’re writing something new.

This is the time to get clear on what you want your next chapter to feel like. What kind of love are you ready to invite into your life? What kind of friendships, adventures, and experiences will fill your days with meaning? These are the questions that shape this new chapter — and you are the only one who can answer them.

So give yourself permission to dream big. You’ve earned it. Your heartbreak was not the end of your story; it was the catalyst for becoming the strongest, wisest, and most radiant version of yourself. This is your time to shine.

Breakup Stage 9: Learning to Trust Again

It is 1000% okay to be single and satisfied. You do NOT need to push yourself to be in a new relationship if you don’t want to. However, if in your heart of hearts you want to be in a new relationship… there’s a bit of work for you to do here too. 

The last stage of a breakup is learning how to create healthy new relationships in the future. For many people, this requires learning how to trust again after a breakup. What many people discover through this healing process is how to trust themselves.

In the final module of the Heal From Heartbreak program, “Loving Again,” we focus on preparing you for future love. You develop the relational and emotional intelligence to choose better partners, date with confidence, and trust your instincts again. We also explore how to build trust slowly, communicate clearly, and show up as your most empowered self in new relationships.

How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Breakup?

The amount of time it takes to get over a romantic breakup varies from person to person and depends on a wide variety of personal factors. Breakup recovery isn’t a one-size-fits-all process. 

Some people may start feeling better in a matter of weeks, while for others, it could take several months or even years to fully heal. The duration may depend on the length and intensity of the relationship, the reasons for the breakup, the amount of emotional support received, and the person’s coping mechanisms. Factors like your attachment style and sensitivity to rejection also play a role.

It’s crucial to allow yourself the time needed to heal and not rush the process. Self-care, seeking support from friends, family, or a breakup recovery group like my Growth Collective, and focusing on personal growth can all contribute to a smoother and quicker recovery. 

While there’s no set timetable for healing, it’s important to consider whether you’re making progress or getting stuck. If you don’t feel like you’re on a trajectory of healing, then seeking support from a breakup recovery expert can help you start to feel better.

How to Heal From Heartbreak

All of these stages of a breakup require intentional skills and strategies to work through effectively. Some stages of a breakup take longer to work through than others. However, getting stuck in any of the stages of a breakup can prevent you from being able to move forward.

If you’re nodding along as you read this—feeling seen in your craving, your grief, your anger, or the ache of missing someone who’s no longer in your life—you are exactly who I created the Heal From Heartbreak Program for. 

It’s a step-by-step healing journey designed to walk you through every single stage of heartbreak recovery. From managing obsessive thoughts to rebuilding your identity and finally learning how to trust again, this program gives you the tools, structure, and support you need to move forward—for real.

You don’t have to stay stuck in the pain. Whether you’re ready to take your first step or you’ve been trying to heal on your own for months (or years), Heal From Heartbreak will help you find your footing and finally feel like you again. 

You can go at your own pace through the Growth Academy, connect with others in our weekly group coaching calls through the Growth Collective, or get personal support with a licensed heartbreak coach in the Growth Experience level. However you heal, I’ll be right there with you.

You can start your healing right now. Join the Heal From Heartbreak Program.

Yours in healing,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

P.S. Not sure where you are in your healing journey? Take my free Breakup Quiz: How Over Your Ex Are You? to find out which stage of breakup recovery you’re in—and get a personalized report to help you move forward.

Know someone who’s going through it right now? Share this article with a friend who could use some clarity, comfort, and hope. You never know how much a simple message can help someone feel less alone.

Resources:

Field, T. (2011). Romantic breakups, heartbreak and bereavement—Romantic breakups. Psychology, 2(04), 382. https://www.scirp.org/html/6296.html

Eastwick, P. W., Finkel, E. J., Krishnamurti, T., & Loewenstein, G. (2008). Mispredicting distress following romantic breakup: Revealing the time course of the affective forecasting error. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 44(3), 800-807. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0022103107000960

Di Fabio, A., & Saklofske, D. H. (2019). Positive relational management for sustainable development: Beyond personality traits—The contribution of emotional intelligence. Sustainability, 11(2), 330. https://www.mdpi.com/2071-1050/11/2/330

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Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, BCC

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is a licensed psychologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified coach, AAMFT clinical supervisor, host of the Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast and founder of Growing Self.

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