How to Communicate with Your Partner without Fighting

How to Communicate with Your Partner without Fighting

Turning Conflict into Connection: How to Communicate with Your Partner Without Fighting

As a couples counselor and Denver marriage counselor I often meet people who want to know how to communicate with your partner without fighting. They feel like they don’t know how to discuss relationship problems without arguing… because every time they broach a sensitive subject the conversation devolves into a horrible fight.

If you feel like you can’t talk to your partner about your feelings or your perspective without getting into a fight, I’m glad you’re here. I’m going to share some tips that will not only help you solve problems in your relationship in a constructive way, but also using moments of conflict as windows of opportunity to connect with each other on a deeper level. Learning the communication skills to turn conflict into connection is the path to building a relationship that is truly rich and satisfying, so I hope you’ll join me.

How to Discuss Relationship Problems without Fighting

When you feel like you can’t talk about the problems in your relationship without getting into an argument with your partner, your connection suffers. It’s impossible to have true emotional intimacy when you’re walking on eggshells around each other, or glossing over the problems in your relationship to avoid conflict.

And this is a natural outcome when relationship dynamics feel hurtful, emotionally unsafe, or anxiety-provoking. Couples stop talking about real stuff. They grow apart, and they often don’t know how to reconnect. They may begin to develop negative narratives about each other, and lose trust in each other’s good intentions. Eventually, the relationship may fail without some thoughtful intervention.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Even if communicating with your partner feels hard, it’s possible to discuss problems in your relationship without participating in a destructive fight. They keys to turning conflict into connection are having empathy for your partner, sharing your vulnerable feelings rather than anger or accusations, listening without defending yourself, managing the effects of emotional flooding, and seeking win-win solutions that take the needs of your partner into account.

How Conflict can Benefit Your Relationship

So many people come to marriage counseling because they want to learn how to “stop fighting” with their partner. The work they do in session can certainly reduce the need to fight, so they can communicate without fighting 99% of the time. It can also give them the communication skills they need to work through conflict in a constructive way.

But the real magic of good couples counseling is how it can transform your perspective on conflict. There are things you only learn about yourself and your partner through relationship fights. When there’s something happening that feels important enough to fight about, that’s your emotional guidance system pointing the way to a deeper need. It’s an opportunity to share vulnerably with your partner, show each other that you care, and work on yourselves for the benefit of your relationship. Couples who “don’t fight” never get that opportunity.

So how can you make the most of it? You can start by learning the emotionally safe communication skills that you need to work through conflict with your partner in a way that strengthens your connection, rather than undermining it. This episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast, I’m teaching you some easy tricks for turning a fight into a bonding moment.

The techniques are really very simple, and I’m going to tell you all about them. You can take difficult moments and turn them into experiences that bring you closer together rather than pushing you apart.

How to Communicate with Your Partner without Fighting… It’s Easier than You Think

The first step is learning about the mechanics of an argument. Once you understand why conflict happens in the first place, the path to transforming it into an opportunity to connect with your partner on a deeper level will start to seem simple – I promise!

Listen to this episode on this page, or anywhere you listen to podcasts!

Warmly, 
Lisa

P.S. — For more advice on how to communicate with your partner without fighting, check out my “Communication that Connects” collection of articles and podcast episodes.

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6 Comments

  1. Thank you for this post. This really helped me with my issues around conflict with others. Conflict can be REALLY STRESSFUL and I feel like you provided me with some much needed breathing space to handle a really tough situation between me and a family member.

    1. Hi Kay! I’m so glad to hear that this post helped you! That really makes my day. If you liked this one you might also enjoy these other articles and podcasts I’ve posted: “Things You Only Learn About Yourself Through Conflict” and my a three part podcast mini-series on common communication problems, and how to resolve them. Lastly, you might also consider listening to the podcast I did a while back on healthy boundaries. I hope that these resources help you continue to make positive improvements in this difficult relationship. All the best, LMB

  2. Thank you for this post. This really helped me with my issues around conflict with others. Conflict can be REALLY STRESSFUL and I feel like you provided me with some much needed breathing space to handle a really tough situation between me and a family member.

  3. Hi Kay! I’m so glad to hear that this post helped you! That really makes my day. If you liked this one you might also enjoy these other articles and podcasts I’ve posted: “Things You Only Learn About Yourself Through Conflict” and my a three part podcast mini-series on common communication problems, and how to resolve them. Lastly, you might also consider listening to the podcast I did a while back on healthy boundaries. I hope that these resources help you continue to make positive improvements in this difficult relationship. All the best, LMB

  4. Great podcast, so insightful and practical. I also love the way you talk about your own experiences of negative communication patterns with your husband. It is very humble and shows that you are always learning too about how to do things better, and that you don’t get it right all the time. Showing this kind of humility means that I don’t feel judged by an experienced counsellor when I’m being asked to critically reflect on how I’m relating to my wife, who I love dearly, but get into stupid conflicts with too many times, of the kind you explore. Many, many thanks

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