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As a couples counselor and a relationship coach, I know that it’s crucial to keep “getting to know” your partner, no matter how long you’ve been together. People change, and continuing to discover each other over and over is what prevents couples from growing apart. But sometimes, it can feel like you’ve simply run out of things to talk about! This is totally normal, and it’s possible to overcome. In this article, I’ve created a list of intimate questions to ask your partner that will help you spark meaningful, connecting conversations.
Let’s dive in!
Questions that Build Emotional Intimacy
Let’s start with some general pointers for starting a conversation that helps you grow together and builds emotional intimacy.
First, it’s not just about laying out your likes and dislikes. It’s about deepening your understanding about how your partner feels and experiences the world around them, and how they’re feeling in your relationship. Having someone show interest in us makes us feel desired and seen. For many people, curiosity is a core need in relationships, and when it’s missing, they feel unloved.
Couples who don’t intentionally connect may fall into routines that create the sense that they’re just going through the motions rather than engaging in a vibrant, fulfilling relationship. They may begin to feel disconnected from each other, and loneliness and insecurities can take over.
That’s why it’s so important to make space in your relationship to continue getting to know each other and connecting with intention. Here are a few questions that will help you get started:
- “What is the hardest thing for you right now that I don’t realize?”
This question encourages your partner to open up to you about unspoken challenges and demonstrates that you want to be there to support them through their hardships. It also acknowledges that you know you don’t know everything about them, and that you’re curious. Now, sit back and be prepared to hear things you’re not expecting. Make sure you remain validating and emotionally safe, even if what you’re hearing makes you feel a little defensive.
- “What do you think is holding you back, and how can I support you?”
This question encourages your partner to dig deep and reflect on a personal obstacle, and to lean on you for support. It reinforces the idea that you are doing this life thing together, which builds trust and encourages emotional intimacy.
- “What do you think you still don’t understand about me?”
This is a good one because it invites your partner’s feedback about how you’re showing up in the relationship. It creates an opportunity for them to safely express things they may be holding inside so that you can deepen your understanding of each other. Be prepared to hear about some blindspots that you may not be aware of!
- “When did you feel the most alone in our relationship and what did you learn from it?”
This question opens up a dialogue about times when your partner felt disconnected from you. You may have not noticed the disconnect at the time, and talking about it now gives you an opportunity to repair past hurts and reinforce your connection.
- “What do you value most in our relationship now?”
This question invites feedback about the things your partner appreciates about you and your relationship, which is always nice to hear! It can also help you understand what they need from you so that you can be an even better partner for them.
Support for Close, Connected Relationships
I hope this article gave you some new ideas for intimate questions to ask your partner. I know that opening up a dialogue can feel a little daunting, especially if you’ve been feeling disconnected from each other lately — but it is well worth the effort. Emotional intimacy is the bedrock of a healthy, loving relationship, and inviting vulnerability and openness will cultivate it.
This is also an area where you could benefit from marriage counseling. Starting intimate conversations is one thing, but changing relationship systems at a deep, transformational level is another. Finding the right couples counselor can help you develop the tools you need to connect more deeply and continue growing together through every stage of life.
And if you would like to talk about doing this valuable work with me, I invite you to schedule a free consultation.
Sincerely,
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