Feeling Judged?

Don’t Let Mutual Intolerance Ruin Your Holidays

Feeling judged is difficult at any time, but as we lead up to the holidays, I begin to hear from many Denver therapy and online therapy clients that feeling judged or criticized during family gatherings creates a ton of anxiety. I often hear that people feel judged by their in-laws, and also that they feel a great deal of frustration that their own boundaries get tested. Many of my clients express anxiety and frustration that their in-laws and parents don’t respect their boundaries as parents, disregard their values, and also do intrusive and annoying things during their time together. 

Listen, it’s true: most of the time, we all get to live in our little bubbles. We spend time with our like-minded friends, and we get to control much of what we let into our personal spheres. But during the holidays, we pony up to spend time with people that we may not have much in common with other than the fact of our being related. And that is stressful.

When we’re in close contact for prolonged periods of time with people who are very different from us, judgment and disapproval can easily creep in — often to the point where it disrupts our ability to stay in the present moment and have a good time. We get upset with them for judging us, and then they get mad because we’re upset (or hold our boundaries and refuse to accommodate their preferences) and before you know it, it turns into an ugly conflict instead of the happy holiday gathering you’ve all been wanting. 

So, what to do? How do you spend time with family who may have values at odds with yours, deal with judgment and frustration, and manage to have a good time anyway?

Part of the key skill of learning how to manage the feeling of being judged by others is understanding how we respond when our own values and preferences are not being honored.

How to Stop Feeling Judged

On today’s episode of the Love, Happiness, and Success podcast, I’m diving deeply into this topic in order to help you find strategies to stop feeling judged (while you’re staying true to yourself and your values). 

To this end, I’m tackling a listener question. Miss S wrote in with this:

“I recently found your podcast and I am enjoying it very much. I do have a request for a topic that may be helpful to others especially as we near the holiday season. I could use help in dealing with family members who are socially awkward and/or difficult to be around.

During the holidays, my mother and mother-in-law give us a run for our money!

We are exposed to guilt trip galore like accusing us of not spending enough time with them (i.e. unable to accept that we are adults and have our own lives and have set boundaries), the “inconvenience” of “having” to come to our house for the holiday dinner, not having overnight accommodations that are comfortable, not eating the requested desserts that they bring & etc.

They are also obsessed with the past as in constantly bringing up family members who have passed away in such a way that it is awkward and not relevant to the conversation.

Despite our requests to not do this, my mother-in-law always calls her other son, who lives out of state, and puts him on speaker during the meal. It is really disruptive, awkward and unnecessary as we all speak to him on our own. Also, she doesn’t see us much so it would be nice for her to enjoy her time with us and call him when she goes home.

Also, my mother-in-law doesn’t like me anymore. I think she blames me for her son not spending as much time with her or his other family members. This is not true , of course, but it’s still off-putting when I can feel her disdain even though I know it’s her stuff, not mine.

I know that I will not be able to change their behaviors but perhaps I can learn to be less annoyed and regain enjoyment from my holidays. This is so much easier said than done so I am hoping that you may be able to illuminate a path for me.

Thank you for sharing your talent and expertise via your podcast. I have found it very helpful and have shared it with friends and family members, too.“

Listen and hear what I share with Miss S including:

• Why it’s so important to get clear about your values before heading into emotionally-fraught situations with family and in-laws. 
• How to decide where to be flexible and where to hold firm in your interactions with others
• How to let go of your need for approval from others
• What to prioritize in order to help yourself make decisions and be less reactive
• The secret strategy to help yourself be okay… even when others are not

Becoming Self Aware of Our Own Judgments

The flip side of feeling judged is often an opportunity for us to grow and become more self-aware and compassionate. For example, I sometimes encounter people who are feeling very frustrated and judgmental of other people for… wait for it… being so judgmental!

Part of the key skill in learning how to manage the feeling of being judged by others is understanding how we respond when our own values and preferences are not being honored. In this episode of the podcast, I also discuss some of the ways that we can become more self-aware of our own judgment and use it to:

• Practice compassion for self and others.
• Expand our ability to have empathy.
• Practice internal flexibility and tolerance.
• Become a more unconditionally loving person.
• Help ourselves stay calm and in the moment, instead of getting upset.

All this, and more, on this episode of the podcast.

All the best, 

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby