Mindful Self Compassion
Personal Growth and Mindful Self Compassion
Do you have mindful self compassion? In addition to my work here as a couples counselor, therapist and personal growth coach, I love addressing listener questions on the Love Happiness and Success Podcast (not to mention the wonderful questions that you guys leave for me on our blog).
A while ago, one brave listener reached out with a heartfelt email, sharing a bit about her life, and asking how to handle some really difficult things, like:
“How do I forgive myself when I’ve hurt someone?”
“How do I break my old patterns so that I don’t do harmful things again?”
“How do I stay emotionally available when I fear being hurt?”
These are important questions that many people wrestle with, and I decided to tackle them on the show. We’ll be discussing:
- How to forgive yourself when you’ve hurt someone
- How to break old patterns
- How to stay emotionally available in relationships
You can listen to the episode right here on GrowingSelf.com or join me on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Spotify (or wherever you listen to your podcasts!).
How to Forgive Yourself When You’ve Hurt Someone
While so many resources are there to help you if you’ve been hurt by someone else, need to forgive someone who has betrayed you, or how to rebuild trust in a relationship, few resources exist to help those suffering with feelings of guilt, regret, and remorse.
This is unfortunate because who among us hasn’t done something they regret? The worst is when you’ve hurt someone you’ve loved and maybe lost a relationship as a result of it.
We’ll discuss how to apply self-awareness and mindful self-compassion to this situation in order to find forgiveness for yourself, by putting your actions in context of both your life experience and your inner experience. We’ll talk about how to practice self-compassion and some self-compassion exercises to help you develop this skill.
Resources: Here’s the link to the attachment styles article I mention. One of the other resources I discuss here is our “What’s Holding You Back” quiz to help you gain self-awareness.
How Do I Break My Old Patterns?
The crux of any personal growth process is using your self-awareness and your feelings to get clearer about your values to help you guide your future behavior and future choices.
We’ll talk about how to combine compassion for yourself, empathy for others, and mindfulness skills to manage yourself in the moment so that you create better outcomes in the future.
Resource: Mindfulness, For People Who Hate to Meditate
How Do I Stay Emotionally Available in Relationships?
When you’re feeling fragile and emotionally reactive, it’s hard to have healthy relationships. Instead, we usually fall into two opposite but equally destructive relationship patterns.
One, we lose ourselves and become dependent on another for our feelings of self-worth (which too often leads to emotional enmeshment and codependency).
Or, we swing into self-protection, lashing out, shutting down, or breaking off relationships. The key to finding a middle path — connection and confidence — is through radical acceptance, loving yourself, and strengthening yourself.
Resource: Here’s the link to the Self-Love article I mentioned. Also, an article about cultivating healthy vulnerability in relationships.
At the heart of all the ideas, skills, and strategies here for forgiving yourself and using your mistakes as a launch pad for growth, is the concept of mindful self-compassion. I hope you keep that idea with you, on your journey of growth and healing.
Your fellow traveler,
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Mindful Self Compassion
The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
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Forgiving Yourself When You’ve Hurt Someone
- First, gain self-awareness. Most of the time, people who hurt others respond in a reactive way.
- Then, have empathy for those you’ve hurt. Recognize their feelings and acknowledge the damage you’ve done.
- Most importantly, have compassion for yourself. Although the hurt you’ve done is not justified, there may be underlying reasons for your behavior.
Breaking Old Patterns
- Admit what you have done in the past. Don’t blame other people for it.
- Be present at the moment. You can do this by practicing mindfulness techniques.
- Rebuild trust in your relationships by giving the other person good experiences moving forward.
- Be an emotionally safe person by controlling yourself.
Staying Emotionally Available in Relationships
- It’s hard for you to feel emotionally stable when you are reactive. As a result, you can be emotionally dependent or emotionally withdrawn from other people.
- Find a middle ground. Love yourself while maintaining that love and care for somebody else.
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self. She is a licensed psychologist, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and a board-certified coach, as well as the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.
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I commented financial infidelity so now my husband has been stonewalling me. I want to become clean and build a better transparent and open relationship around money.
Hi Jacqueline, thank you for reaching out. It just so happens I have an episode with some information for you, “How to Save Your Marriage After Financial Infidelity.” You’re right on track; recovery requires transparency and being open. Financial infidelity is complex, and often involves deeply rooted beliefs around money and, sometimes, addiction-like urges and compulsions. We need support and accountability to navigate these, such as a support group or meeting with a therapist. Warm regards, Lisa